Summary: RWBY Chibi inspired. Loke plays noir detective.

Pairings: one-sided Loke/Ultear, implied Loke/Lucy friendship, mentions of Loke/OCs, sort of implied Ultear/Plue, and Loke/Cancer friendship.

YouTube Prompt: A Gray/Juvia video to 'Head Over Feet' by Alanis Morissette.

It was a dark and lonely night. Just like every night before but that is the life I have chosen. The life of a private detective…

Loke was the very picture of broody sexiness as he moped over the desk of his 'office' while knocking back a glass of milk. It would have been whiskey but SOMEONE didn't keep any in her apartment and for some reason only had water or milk. Milk was the best alternative and Loke could pretend his milky moustache was a dark sexy shadow to add to the effect.

The mood was just as dark and broody as he was as jazz music played lightly in the background.

And then SHE walked into my office.

The door burst open and the councilman's aid Ultear dramatically flipped her long, luscious, dark locks over her shoulder before she shot him a particularly smoky smouldering look.

Loke smirked slightly in reply.

He knew littering the Magic Council Hall with his flyers would get him business.

….what?

Since returning to the Celestial World he had to find a way to earn money somehow. He still had lots of lovely ladies to take out on dates and dates cost money!

I knew the dame was trouble the moment I laid eyes on her

"Err," Ultear said unimpressed, "excuse me?"

…Oops?

It looked like Loke's silent monologuing wasn't so silent after all. "I said," Loke said confidently, "How can I help you, gorgeous?"

Ultear fluttered her eyelashes and looked up at him with another sensual glance. "I'm trying to find someone," she purred, "The word on the street is that you're the one to see."

I can tell she was already falling for me. Falling hard.

"Wait," Ultear blinked, "what?"

"Nothing!" Loke blurted out hastily. Damnit! He needed to stop doing his monologue out loud it was ruining the game! What was he? Natsu?! He wasn't usually this stupid. He was the suave, sexy, Loke and he can totally pull off noir detective. "Care for a drink?" he said smoothly as he pushed a glass in front of Ultear.

I was hoping she wouldn't notice that the glass was dirty.

Ultear looked utterly revolted at that. "Err….no thanks," she said disgusted.

Loke smiled sheepishly.

She noticed.

"Look," Ultear said nonsensically as she straightened in her seat, "let's get straight to business. I'm looking for Zeref. He's…." Ultear faltered slightly as she caught the raised eyebrow on Loke's face. After all what sort of shady business did she have with the darkest wizard in four hundred years? "….my fiancé that jilted me at the alter!" she said unconvincingly. "Not the dark, evil, mage that made demons. He was just unfortunately named after said dark, evil mage, ha, ha…."

Clearly she was lying but she was just such a hot tamale that I just couldn't tell her no.

Ultear's eyebrow twitched at that. "Can we just move this along?!" she snapped irritably.

"Of course, doll face," Loke drawled flirtatiously which only seemed to irritate Ultear further as her entire jaw twitched at that one. "But first there is just a little matter of my fee."

"Oh," Ultear leaned in, "money is no object."

That was my favourite tune though what she didn't know what the sometimes I liked to be paid in smooches.

Loke wiped his milky moustache off with the back of his hand before he swooped in for the kill. While this had to be his worst flirtation in decades he had no doubt his tremendous kissing skills would have Ultear putty in his hands and then they can move on to have hot, kinky, sex on the desk between them.

Unfortunately though any naughty ideas Loke was definitely entertaining was halted to an abrupt stop when Ultear suddenly shoved her hand between them and Loke found himself pushed back to his feet on the other side of desk with his milky moustache returned.

"What the hell?!" Ultear shrieked. "Back off, pervert!"

Case was falling apart faster than a building during a Fairy Tail brawl. Lucky for me, I was the only game in town…or was I…..?

BANG!

The office door slammed open and there stood in the threshold was a tiny snowman sporting a deer stalker hat straight from a Sherlock Holmes story.

Plue puffed out his chest proudly as he placed his hands on his hips. "Plue! Plue!" he declared. "Plue! Plue!"

"Hey this is my case!" Loke cried out indignantly. "Get out of here you little dog! Find your own dame and mystery!"

"Plue! Plue!"

"What do you mean you can solve the mystery faster than I can?!" Loke yelled. "You don't even speak English!"

"English speaking skills or not," Ultear shrugged, "you can't be any worse than this guy." She jammed a thumb in Loke's direction which felt like an icy stab in the heart as Loke's pride shattered. "You're hired."

"Plue! Plue!"

Ultear actually, unnaturally, giggled at that. "Don't mind if I do," she said cheerfully as she bent down and looped her arm through Plue's. "Lead the way Detective Plue."

And with that she was gone from my life.

Loke collapsed into his chair as he shook his head disbelievingly.

He wasn't sure what was more unreal…..the fact that his charm shad failed or the fact that someone picked Plue over him! A cuddly snowman over a sexy cat man like him! The sheer nerve!

It was as if she had ripped my heart out and taken it with her. But I am a big boy and I felt it was no use crying over spilt milk.

It was then when Loke realised that in his stunned state he had accidentally knocked over his glass of milk. A white, creamy, puddle was slowly seeping into the Noir Detective story that Lucy was currently writing (and had inspired Loke to try out the business). "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!" Loke half screamed, half sobbed as he collapsed onto his knees. "Lucy is gonna kill me!"

As if she sensed his crime, Lucy chose that exactly moment to walk in. "Loke!" she fumed. "What the hell have you done with my apartment?! Why does my door say Loke P.I on it?! Did you literally changed my door for some sort of kinky game?! Urgh, you better not have brought your tarts for THAT in my apartment. Where did you put my actual door? If my Landlady charges me for this you're paying for thi….Loke," Loke was glad to say that Lucy's anger had fizzled out completely as she stared blankly at the corner of her apartment just behind him. It gave him the perfect chance to compose himself. "….why the hell is Cancer playing jazz in the corner?!"

The jazz music halted to a stop as Cancer pulled his lips away from his saxophone. "I have other hobbies than cutting hair," he said coolly as he pushed his sunglasses up his nose, "ebi."

And with that Cancer ended the moment with one last, mournful, beat of music.