Summary: Inspired by the IT Crowd. To escape Ichiya, Erza asks Natsu to cover for her….his lie gets blown out of proportion quickly.
Pairings: One-sided Ichiya/Erza, Natsu/Erza/Happy friendship, implied Natsu/Lucy, implied Gray/Juvia, mentions of Erza/Jellal, and lots and lots of other friendship/family feels implied.
YouTube Prompt: Tribute to the turbulent father/child relationships – Jude/Lucy, Gildarts/Cana, Master/Laxus, Silver/Gray – to Perfect by Simple Plan.
It was a bright, sunny, morning when Erza suddenly flew into the guild and snatched the nearest job request with the furthest destination that was available. She looked completely undone with her hair sticking out all over the place and a terrifying, wild, look in her eyes.
"NATSU!" she bellowed as she caught sight of the nearest, most reliable, friend available. "Something terrible has happened!" she cried out. "I have somehow been set on a date with Ichiya!"
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Natsu and Happy chorused in united revulsion. "That's horrible!"
"Indeed," Erza nodded solemnly, "which is why I am going far, far, far away right this instant. However it would be rude to just leave Ichiya hanging…..and if we don't send him away he would still be here when I come back, so I need you to cover for me, can you do that?"
"Aye Sir!" Natsu saluted. "You can count on me to drive away your date."
"Aye!" Happy chirped in agreement. "We do it all the time for Lucy!"
"Thank you!" Erza said fervently. "I shall be eternally grateful. You are a true fr-"
"MEN!" Ichiya boomed as he burst through the doors. "I am here to take my honey-pie out on a romantic date. Where is my beloved Erza? I could have sworn I smelt her sweet perfume!"
"I'M NOT HERE!" Erza screeched before she promptly jumped out of a window.
Oblivious to this Ichiya inhaled deeply and sniffed his way towards Natsu and Happy. "Natsu-kun and Happy-san!" Ichiya greeted them warmly. "Have you seen Erza? We are to go out on a date."
"She's not here," Natsu blurted out, "she, erm, ah….died! Yeah," Natsu nodded confidently, "she's dead."
Happy's jaw dropped open at that.
"This cannot be!" Ichiya gasped melodramatically. "My Erza was the very picture of health last night."
"Are you saying I'm a liar?!" Natsu squawked indignantly. "Me? Why would I lie about something as dreadful as that, huh?!"
"You have a point," Ichiya nodded sagely, "you are too honourable to make such a lie about your friend." Natsu shifted uncomfortably at that. "How did she pass? I take it it was a tragic accident that has left you all devastated."
"Nah," Natsu said lazily, "she died of cold."
"I see," Ichiya said gravely, "she did look a bit peaky and unnaturally pale yesterday."
"Erm," Happy sweat-dropped, "did you just say she was the picture of health?"
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!" Ichiya bellowed dramatically as he clutched his chest. "My heart weeps for the loss of a beautiful woman! Her sweet perfume will always linger in the air." He sniffed deeply. "Speaking of which you two smell a lot like her."
"Erm….sure…." Natsu said as he and Happy hastily shuffled away from Ichiya's nose. "That's because we've just spent the last half an hour rolling in her clothes and crying our eyes out. Can't you see we're grieving, man?! Give us some space!"
"Of course," Ichiya nodded, unabashed, "you need time. I shall leave you in your grieve."
And with that, Ichiya left as loudly and dramatically as he came.
"Phew!" Natsu wiped his forehead. "Glad that's over. Won't Erza be pleased with us? We managed to get rid of Ichiya for life!"
"Aye Sir!" Happy agreed. "And all we had to do was say that Erza is dead. We'll get a big, juicy, fish for that."
"All in a hard days' work," Natsu said cheerfully, "now let's go and find Lucy to cel…."
Natsu trailed off just as he turned round to face a tearful Wendy. Her big, wide, brown eyes were filled to the brim with tears as she looked utterly horrified.
Wendy sniffled loudly. "E-E-E-Erza's dead?!" She wailed.
"What?!" Natsu yelped. "No, no, you see-"
"What's this?!" Cana said loudly. "Erza's dead?!"
"No!" Natsu cried out. "You see-"
"WHAT?!" Gray bellowed. "ERZA'S DEAD?!"
"Will you shut up, you icy moron?!"
"No!" Juvia snuffled. "It can't be! Not Erza-san!"
"It's not like that!" Natsu protested. "You see-"
"I can't believe it," Mira said hollowly, "I thought she would have outlived us all, she was so full of life, and such will power…."
"This is not manly at all!" Elfman wept into his sleeve. "Erza shouldn't die, it's so unmanly of her!"
"No way…." Lucy shook her head, "just….no way…"
At this point Natsu had given up trying to explain the situation and just slammed his head against the nearest table and groaned. Within two hours of coming up with the lie, the guild suddenly filled up to the brim with white lilies and mourners dressed in black. A photo of Erza at her most serene and beautiful (such a deceptive photo mere moments before it had been taken she had only been grinding Natsu's face into the ground with the heel of her boot) was blown up and put on display with little candles lit up around it.
"Erza was the strongest of us all," Master said from his podium, "she had a will of iron that surpassed all trials of darkness. She had been a pillar for the weak, a shoulder of comfort for the hurt, and a defender of all. A light of hope has gone out with this loss…."
"Jeeze!" Natsu rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "This has gotten out of control!"
Happy nodded in agreement. "Aye…" he said weakly as he took in the many females crying, some of the guys were too, Gray's eyes were suspiciously damp as he rubbed Juvia's back, and Laxus had a rather suspicious redness to them.
"And now," Master spoke up, "the love of Erza's life, Jellal will speak a few words."
"Aw man!" Natsu covered his face. "Erza's gonna kill us!"
"Aye Sir!"
Later that day Erza felt as if karma as punishing her for abandoning Ichiya in the rude manner she had done. her job had been a total bust, her magical vehicle had broken down and with that it had drained too much of her magic leaving her pale and peaky, she then twisted her ankle on the walk home, and to really top it off it started to rain on her.
Really, really, heavy rain.
With thunder and lightning.
Her new mascara (which was the wrong day to try it) turned out not be waterproof and now she had black lines leaking down on her face.
She truly looked ghoulish as she hobbled along the path to home.
…and then she saw Ichiya on the road.
"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrgh!" she groaned in despair. "Ngggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" she added in pain when she accidentally put too much weight on her twisted ankle.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ichiya screamed. "A GHOST! A GHOST! SPARE ME! PLEASE!" Ichiya wept as he hastily sped away from Erza. "I SWEAR I WON'T EVER BOTHER A WOMAN AGAIN JUST PLEASE LEAVE ME IN PEACE!"
"…Huh," Erza blinked, "I owe Natsu a huge thanks…"
Her gratitude lasts the total of five minutes after getting home and finding the tributes people had left in her honour.
Especially since none of them included cake.