Summary: A Harry Potter/Fairy Tail crossover. Professor Dumbledore is so desperate for a Defence against the Dark Arts teacher that he sends a job request to a parallel universe…
Pairings: Mentor! Erza/Harry, Hero Worship! Hermione/Levy, implied Gajeel/Levy, one-sided Seamus Finnegan/Lucy, one-sided OCs/Lucy, Gray/Juvia, implied Harry/Ron/Hermione friendship, mentions of parental Sirius/Harry, mentions of Harry/Warren friendship, implied Max/Brooms, one-sided Hermione/Freed, one-sided Freed/Laxus, implied Ron/Hermione, some Happy/Harry friendship, and general other friendship feels.
Author's Note: For Anon, who pretty much read my mind when requesting a crossover.
When they entered the Defence against the Dark Arts classroom that dreary Monday afternoon, Harry had no shame admitting he was a little anxious. After all three out of his four previous teachers on this subject had deliberately tried to harm him at one point or another. It wasn't a good track record.
His new teacher was a woman, which was a first for this subject, and looked incredibly young compared to the previous four. She wore an armoured breastplate (which Harry found intriguing) over a blouse and blue school skirt and had the longest, deepest red, hair he had ever seen.
"Greetings," their new teacher inclined her head at them, "I am Professor Erza Scarlet and it is my greatest honour to teach you how to defend yourself."
Okay, Harry thought tentatively, so far so good.
"As this year progresses you will learn the fine art of swordsmanship, some necessary martial arts moves, and perhaps another weapon if you are truly talented"
Hermione looked indignant at that and immediately thrusted her hand up in the air. "But Professor!" she protested. "What about spells and the theory and our OWLS?!"
"How will OWLS help you in the real world when a shady person jumps out on you in the middle of the night?" Professor Scarlet replied cuttingly, and Harry decided right there and then he liked her. He might, just maybe, learn something that will help him defend himself against Voldemort. "Now then a test on your reflexes and an important lesson in dodging for today."
It took a moment for anyone to realise what Professor Scarlet meant but when she suddenly magically summoned over a hundred swords in the air and pointed them at the class, they all immediately dived under their desks.
It was the most exhausting yet exhilarating hour Harry ever had at Hogwarts as he spent the entire lessons dodging and weaving past the deadly swords. Others unfortunately were not as successful and soon enough majority of them where pinned to the wall with a sword piercing through their uniforms.
Harry was the last one standing.
"Very good," Professor Scarlet praised, "but I see we have a lot of hard work ahead of us. Homework is five hundred words analysis on how you could have done better today. Class dismissed."
The class all groaned as they tried to get themselves down it took a couple minutes before a sheepish Professor Scarlet waved her hand and set them all free.
"My apologies," she said solemnly, "I had forgotten you were still pinned. Mr Potter, could you remain here for a minute?"
Harry swallowed nervously but nodded all the same. As soon as their class cleared out (rather quickly Harry must point out as no one wanted to remain with the sword wielding professor any longer than they had to) Professor Scarlet placed a reassuring hand on his arm.
"You have nothing to fear," she said softly, "I only wanted to discuss with you about your situation. Professor Dumbledore had explained to me about Voldemort and the perils you have faced and will perhaps face again. I wanted to offer you additional lessons in swordsmanship. A wand is good enough but what happens when you are disarmed? A backup weapon is an important necessary."
"I…." Harry blinked startled. "I would like that….."
"Good!" Professor Scarlet nodded approvingly. "I shall arrange some additional lessons starting next week. You are now dismissed."
Unfortunately though that was the last time Harry saw Professor Scarlet as the Defence against the Dark Arts teacher. Malfoy, and likely several others, complained loudly to their parents and with the anti-Dumbledore feeling within the Ministry the Headmaster was forced to dismiss Erza Scarlet the very next day.
Her replacement was a petite woman with an interesting shade of blue hair that looked like something Tonks would adopt for her own appearance. The woman also wore a violent shade of orange that rather complimented her appearance.
"Hello!" she smiled warmly. "As you must all know by now I am Professor Levy McGarden and I will be your teacher this year!"
"Ridiculous!" Malfoy scoffed loudly. "How someone with hair colour like that could be allowed to teach."
Professor McGarden's jaw twitched violently at that but she managed to maintain her cheery smile. "As you can see," she continued loudly as she waved her hand to the board. Perfect, tiny, handwriting appeared magically on it. "I have set out a clear, coherent, schedule for the year that should have you prepared for your exams. We shall alternate between theory and practical in order…"
Harry had to admit he tuned out a little at this point as all the boring administrative stuff about what to expect in classes was explained in thorough detail.
He wasn't the only one. It appeared only Hermione paid extra attention as her eyes shined with hero worship for their new professor.
He was suddenly brought back down to earth when Professor McGarden suddenly slipped a piece of paper on his desk. He cautiously unfolded it under his desk to read the tiny perfect handwriting that matched the writing on the blackboard.
Erza will start your fencing lessons tonight at seven o'clock. Go to the seventh floor to the left corridor. There will be a door opposite the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy.
He looked up to meet Professor McGarden's sparkling hazel eyes and flushed slightly when she winked as cheekily as Tonks would.
"Urgh!" Malfoy could be heard groaning loudly. "I thought teachers were supposed to make this interesting."
Professor McGarden's cheeks puffed out crossly at this. "Hmmph!" she huffed out. "Now then does anyone have any questions about the course material?"
Hermione's hand immediately shot in the air but before she could utter a single word Malfoy scoffed loudly. "Yeah," he said rudely, "I have one. How can someone your stature be suspected to teach us defence?"
Professor McGarden's response was swift and cool without a single hesitation she whipped out a glowing pen and wrote as she said the word; "silence!" in an icy tone worthy of Snape at his chilliest.
The word silence wrote itself out over Malfoy's mouth in golden cursive writing which caused the whole class to burst out laughing as Malfoy turned puce with fury.
"Now then," Professor McGarden said calmly, "does anyone else have any actual questions to ask?"
The rest of the lesson was devoted to Hermione hashing out the very last details of the year to come which, tragically, turned out to be a waste as Malfoy's whinging got Professor McGarden dismissed immediately.
(Though Harry saw her again when he went to his first fencing lesson with Erza (she insisted on first names now she was no longer a professor) and he got to ask about obtaining a pen like her.
"Excellent," Erza said approvingly, "always have a backup in case your wand and sword have both been taken from you.")
Their next Professor didn't last very long either.
Professor Gajeel Redfox was the singularly most terrifying looking man Harry had ever met after Mad-Eye Moody. The gigantic hulk of a man towered over all of them with his arms crossed so his biceps bulged threatening. His clothes screamed heavy metal rock star and his eyebrows consisted of nothing but metal studs.
He looked the very definition of Uncle Vernon's idea of a punk motorcyclist criminal.
"All right," Professor Redfox grunted, "which one of your snotty brats got my girl fired with their smartass mouth?"
The entire class stepped away to reveal Malfoy to Professor Redfox.
Malfoy didn't stand a chance as Professor Redfox suddenly turned his arm into metal and extended it fast and hard as he punched Malfoy into the stone wall.
And left a fricking dent beneath Malfoy's jaw!
"Gihihihihihi," Professor Redfox sniggered. "First lesson, kiddies, don't backchat a lady unless you want a pounding from her boyfriend."
Unsurprisingly Professor Redfox didn't even make it till dinner before he was fired after that.
("Ah Gajeel," Erza said disapprovingly as she corrected Harry's footwork, "I don't know what Master was thinking sending him. He is far too violent and hot-headed to be teaching children."
Harry wisely reframed from pointing out that the same could be said for Erza.
After all he knows what she can do with a sword, he wasn't that thick!)
Their next professor was utterly gorgeous.
Harry didn't really take notice of girls that much. It had to take an epic makeover for Harry to even realise that Hermione was kinda pretty and apart from Cho Chang and being knocked over the head with Fleur's dazzling quarter-Veela glamour, Harry never really paid attention to many girls.
But even he could acknowledge that Professor Lucy Heartfilla looked like she belonged on a Playboy front cover rather than the stuffy classroom at Hogwarts.
Harry felt his cheeks burn as he suddenly became keenly aware how often he had watched Professor Heartfilla's breasts bounce during her lecture.
He felt even more embarrassed and disgusted with himself when he noticed all the other boys doing the same.
Ron' mouth had even dropped open and his tongue was on the verge of rolling out like a cartoon character.
"Boys!" Hermione muttered with a revolted eye roll.
Harry sank in his chair in shame.
Seamus, however, was utterly shameless when he purposely dropped his quill in front of Professor Heartfilla. "Oops," he said with false sheepish innocence, "sorry Professor."
"That's all right," Professor Heartfilla said cheerfully, "here let me…" she bent down to pick up the quill when Seamus suddenly reached out and groped her arse. "Eek!" Professor Heartfilla squealed as she suddenly upright and clutched her behind with both hands.
The other boys snickered while the girls glared furiously. Harry felt distinctly uncomfortable as he tried to look anywhere else other than his fellow teenage boy or a furious member of the female species when –
"LUCY KICK!"
SMASH!
The whole class stared utterly gobsmacked (and utterly terrified) as Seamus flew out of the classroom window and across the school grounds.
The boys of the fifth year learnt a very valuable lesson about respecting women that day….
…and Professor Heartfilla was fired after three more very similar incidents.
There was a sudden rash of utterly insane teachers after that. Professor Dragneel left the very second day of his arrival after he somehow accidentally set fire to his classroom and scorched all the first years. Professor Bickslow scared the hell out of everyone and was fired within a week when he was found conspiring with Peeves and the Weasley Twins (to do what no one ever found out nor did they want to). All three Professor Strauss' came and went after the eldest turned into a demon to terrify Malfoy, the male one had to run away from the newly returned Hagrid who was keen to use him as a class specimen, and the youngest lost her temper and transformed into a bird with the sole purpose to crap on Malfoy (oh how Harry will always treasure that memory).
Meanwhile Professor Evergreen turned them all to stone so she could read her magazine and did so for three consecutive weeks before Professor McGonagall found out and had her dismissed. Professor Laxus Dryer lasted three whole days before he snapped and electrocuted the new Hogwarts High Inquisitor.
"People like that," he muttered as Umbridge spasmed on the floor before them, "is the reason why the world is going to shit."
His replacement was a slew of creepy perverted men that drank and smoke and made the girls uncomfortable. Okay, Harry said slew but there was only two, it just felt like a slew because that actually lasted till past Christmas before they were promptly replaced by a little girl.
"A child?!" Malfoy scoffed. Harry reluctantly had to admit he agreed with Malfoy on this one. The twelve or thirteen year old girl with long, dark, blue hair could hardly be qualified enough to actually teach kids older than her. "What can a child teach us? How to colour in within the lines? How twee."
"SKY DRAGON ROAR!"
Everyone's jaws dropped open as a pale blue tornado tore out of Professor Marvell's throat and threw Malfoy into the nearest wall.
"Honestly Malfoy," Ron rolled his eyes, "you'd think you learn how to keep your gob shut by now."
Once again another Professor lost her job before the day was out only this time the Ministry was also quick enough to put in an education decree to ensure that the teacher would be older than the students.
("A pity," Erza said solemnly, "Romeo was quite hoping to see Hogwarts. Ah well, now what is this nonsense about protecting your godfather by not opening his gift? Where is the logic in that? Not to mention it is a serious dishonourable and ungrateful offence to your poor godfather!"
Harry's weak, feeble, arguments was quickly dismissed and Harry was pleased to say he listened to Erza as he found that Sirius had given him better, more secure, line of communication, and he found life so much easier with Sirius literally only a call away.)
The next Professor didn't last past his introduction.
Seriously!
They were all gathered in the Great Hall for dinner when Professor Dumbledore stood up and caught their attention. "Students," he smiled in his usual grandfatherly manner, "it is my great pleasure to introduce your new Professor of Defence against the Dark Arts," the whole hall either groaned pitifully or gave strained fake smiles, "please give a warm welcome to Professor Gray Fullbuster."
The applause was lukewarm at best as the very handsome but incredibly shirtless Professor Fullbuster stood up to bow.
At that point the applause halted to a full stop as everyone stared at their new professor with big, wide, horrified, eyes
"Professor Fullbuster!" Professor McGonagall's nostrils flared dangerously. "Where are your clothes?!"
"Wha…oh crap!"
It was no surprise then that a pretty blue haired, weeping, woman took Professor Fullbuster's place the next day.
"It's not fair!" Professor Lockser wailed. "Juvia didn't want to do this horrible mean job! Juvia didn't want to be in another world far away from Gray-Sama! Oh what can Juvia do while she's locked in this castle like some fair princess while Gray-sama is out questing with the likes of Love Rival who will undoubtedly seduce him and lead him astray?!"
Professor Lockser froze as a glazed, horrified, look entered her eyes. The whole class exchanged nervous glances when it became apparent that their teacher was suffering some sort of hallucination but before anyone thought to go the Hospital Wing to fetch Madam Pomfrey –
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Professor Lockser screamed as she burst into tears. "WHY GRAY-SAMA? WHY?!"
"GLUCK!"
Was the only reply from her students as they all drowned in Professor Lockser's tears.
Professor Lockser was (thankfully!) dismissed and they all watched with wide-eyes as she cheerily skipped away babbling about weddings and babies with Gray-sama (all boys shuddered in sympathy for this poor Gray-sama guy) before they then endured another rash of weird teachers.
There was two more guys who both burst into tears (though thankfully none of theirs actually drowned them but that hadn't stopped Harry's class from conjuring life rafts just in case) while wailing the name 'Levy-Chan!' almost every ten minutes. Then there was an alcoholic in a bikini top who did nothing but embarrass all of them and drink. She was fired pretty quickly when the teachers discovered her inciting underage drinking at a party in the Gryffindor Common Room.
Then they had a man that could apparently read minds (Harry liked Warren who gave better tips at Occlumency than Snape did. It was now fun to go to Occlumency classes to see the constipated expression on Snape's face whenever Harry purposely thought of embarrassing and disgusting things) but he accidentally saw too much for any teenager's comfort, and classes got distinctively uncomfortable before he left willingly. Then they had a teacher with a dance addiction, and a couple that tried to teach them how to use guns (and was fired when Malfoy accidentally shot himself in the foot), and a guy who had a relationship with a broomstick.
Yeah….that made Quidditch really uncomfortable for the entire school after the broom shed incident that they shall not speak of.
(Seriously Harry could understand why no one would utter Voldemort's name if it was anything like The-Incident-We-Do-Not-Speak-Of.)
Eventually though they finally settled with the one teacher just after Easter.
Professor Freed Justin was the very definition of a gentleman with his elegant manner of dressing his long green hair tied back, and his perfect manners. He taught in a similar manner that Professor McGarden had planned to teach only far more intensively as their OWLS were approaching and they were so far behind with the constant change in staff.
Harry swears that when Professor Justin presents them with revision timetables and additional study sessions and office hours if they ever need to ask anything, Hermione swoons and falls madly in love with him.
"He's like a modern day Mr Darcy!" she said breathlessly. "With green hair!"
This does nothing but irritate Ron and entertain Harry. The Weasley Twins had to the hilarity of it as they mock-swoon at the mention of Professor Justin whenever they're around Hermione. Afternoons were now spent with Hermione blushing, Ron scowling, and Harry truly laughing for the first time in almost a year.
For moment everything is blissfully boring and normal.
And then just before the exams Professor Justin decides to leave. "I humbly apologise for abandoning you so close to your examinations," he bowed his head to him, "but you see….Laxus-sama needs my presence!" Professor Justin's head shot up as the classroom around him literally sparkled. "There is a dangerous quest and my skills are required by Laxus-sama. I cannot let him down!"
"Laxus-sama?" Ron grimaced slightly. "That's the blonde guy that electrocuted that ministry woman, right?"
"She deserved it!" Professor Justin said stoutly. "She was an ugly insidious toad that thought she could insult the wonderful talents and abilities of the God that is Laxus-sama."
"….erm," Ron nodded awkwardly, "it was awesome."
"Isn't he just?!" the class merely gawked as their male adult teacher almost squealed like a teenage girl. "So you understand that I cannot let Laxus-sama go without me? Laxus-sama is a God in his own right and could defeat any enemy with the flick of his finger. The fact that he actually said he needed me speaks volumes of the dangers he will face. I must be there to support and encourage Laxus-sama!"
The entire class sweat-dropped at that.
This sudden turn about in their serious teacher's personality was rather traumatising to witness and it was a relief to see him go if he was going to spend the next half hour waxing poetry on the wonders of Laxus-sama.
(Which he did by the way.)
Eventually Hermione managed to change the subject slightly. "But Sir!" she cried out worriedly. "If you're gone who will help us prepare for the OWLS?"
"Don't worry," Professor Justine said soothingly, and more sensibly, "I have taught you the entire curriculum and if you follow the revision timetable I had given you, you should pass reasonably. However to keep an eye on you and to relief the burden on your other teachers I have arranged a replacement to make sure you actually turn up to class on time."
The cause quite a stir as everyone theorised who the replacement could be. Some hoped that it was Professor Alberona so they could all get fire whiskey after the exams others hoped that it was the likes of Professor Redfox or Dragneel so Malfoy could be hit again, and the really boring ones hoped for Professor McGarden to help with the revision.
What they got instead though was a blue cat.
That could fly.
And talk, apparently.
"I am Professor Happy-sama!" Happy said as he pushed fake glasses up his nose. "And I am here to teach you the finer arts of defending oneself."
"A cat?!" Malfoy yelped. "What can a cat know about Defence against the Dark Arts?!"
"You shouldn't judge people by their appearances," Happy said seriously, "I once helped in closing don a slave trade of pretty girls, I assisted in slewing monkey demons, defeated an evil duke, fought an entire guild of dark wizards, prevented a demon from rising, fought in multiple wars, saved a whole world from collapsing, saw my friends come back from the dead, almost got blown up by an evil dragon, watched one of my dearest friends get slaughtered before me, and have my entire world torn apart at the hands of the very face of evil. I know all about the Dark Arts and how to fight them because I have been there on the front lines of the battlefield."
The atmosphere in the classroom grew intense and suffocating as everyone leaned in their seats on tenterhooks. Malfoy looked gobsmacked and a little bit in awe as he too leaned in to hang on every word Happy uttered.
"And now I am here," Happy said solemnly, "to impart my words of wisdom on the young and stupid so they too will know the ultimate secret in defending oneself…." The entire class leaned forwards even more as they were all unable to take their eyes off of Happy. He held them in complete rapture. "…the ultimate secret of defence is…." They all leaned even further. "….is a good fish dinner!" Happy finished triumphantly.
….and with that they all collapsed out of their seats.
"WHAT SORT OF LESSON IS THAT?!" Malfoy bellowed as he quickly jumped back onto his feet. "HOW WILL FISH PROTECT ME?!"
"Well," Happy replied snottily, "if you were nicer and offered fish then maybe no one would want to kill you."
"Yeah Malfoy," Ron sniggered, "be nicer."
Malfoy spluttered indignantly.
The rest of their classes were pretty much eventless as they all just read and practised before the exams. Despite their bizarrely scattered education over the last year with the most insane teacher ever, Harry was able to confidently say he definitely passed his OWL in Defence.
Unlike History of Magic where he had fallen asleep and had the worst nightmare yet. Thankfully thug one call on the mirror assured him that Sirius was fine and the next day he woke up to find out that the Minister of Magic encountered Voldemort and had no choice but to admit he was finally back.
While it was nice that the newspapers were no longer calling Harry a nasty liar he had to admit he hadn't noticed it after the first month.
He had been too busy trying to not get killed by Erza's blades.
As the year came to an uneventful close (apart from Malfoy trying to attack him only to slip on a stray fish randomly abandoned on the floor and go skidding into a stone wall. "Fish!" Happy said wisely as his eyes sparkled with mischief. "It's the answer to everything.") Harry was expecting to go back to the boring Dursleys and count down the days until September once more when Erza pointed out something amazing.
"Why would Professor Dumbledore have a say in where you live?" she asked puzzled. "Our guild master is our parent and our boss but he has never dictated where we live. Professor Dumbledore is less than that. He is only your head teacher. He has no right to tell you what to do outside of the school."
"You're right!" Harry grinned sheepishly. "I suppose I could go straight to Sirius or the Weasleys instead."
"Or," Erza said persuasively, "you can come back with me. I do not wish to see your skills go rusty due to lack of practice and Master said it was perfectly all right if you wanted to join temporarily. You could learn so much on an actual job instead of this room. Also, you would be much safer from Voldemort in a parallel world than you would in non-magic household."
It didn't take very much to convince Harry as an ecstatic grin split across his face. "All right!" he agreed eagerly. "Let's go!"
"That's the Fairy Tail spirit," Erza nodded approvingly, "come, let's go and find ourselves a good adventure."
And they do.
And after an epic summer of adventures and quests and parties and celebrations and learning more magic and fighting and seeing how truly bonkers Fairy Tail truly was, Harry returned a happier and more confident boy.
When the Battle of Hogwarts started two years later Harry confidently led the Light side to victory as he used the power that Voldemort knew not….
The power of Nakama.
(Professor McGonagall, however, broke down into hysterical sobbing when she saw the damage Fairy Tail had inflicted on Hogwarts in the aftermath of the war. Master sympathised with her greatly especially when he was presented with the bill of repairs and joined in with the hysterical sobbing.)