Chapter Three
"Lucy… Are you feeling better?" Lincoln asked, taking her hand in his, looking into her eyes. Lucy pulled her hand away, blushing, flinching when he tried to hug her. He didn't blame her for not wanting to touch him. He had been a terrible person… And an even worse brother.
"I'm so sorry I hurt you… I never meant to."
"You… Y-you didn't pull away from my kiss…" Lucy muttered.
"I knew how much it meant to you. You were so intent… I thought that if I didn't do anything, it wouldn't lead you on… I feel terrible that I was so wrong."
"I should have known I wasn't good enough for you…" Lucy whispered, finally voicing the horrible thoughts that she'd been having for months… Years.
"You're so handsome… You're so smart, so talented… You're charming… Y-you could have any girl you want… And I would be exaggerating if I even said I was average looking. I'm practically gray, I'm short, my voice makes me sound like a frog and I have no talents other than creeping people out with my poetry and stories. I should never have even thought that I could stand a chance with you…" Lucy muttered. Lincoln was struck temporarily silent by her saying this.
Not only could it not be further from the truth, he was shocked that she was so insecure. Lincoln hugged her tightly, kissing her on the forehead.
"Lucy… None of that is true. You're beautiful. You're intelligent, you're interesting, and you're graceful and elegant… I've always admired you, Lucy… And on top of all that, you're a good person. I want you to know that you mean the world to me… And I hope you can forgive me for hurting you."
"I… I could never be angry at you, Lincoln… I… Why would you kiss me if you weren't serious?" Lucy pleaded. Lincoln sat down with Lucy, hugging her.
"I… You kissed me. I could tell how much the kiss meant to you. I thought that if I just let you kiss me and didn't do anything, that nothing bad would happen… I feel terrible that I led you on like that…" Lincoln said, cupping Lucy's cheek, but pulling back immediately.
He had never had a problem being affectionate with Lucy… But if treating her like that was only going to hurt her… He couldn't. Lucy grabbed his hand and put it up to her cheek again, though, sighing happily, leaning into his touch.
"If you want to apologize to me… Go on a date with me on Saturday… It doesn't have to lead to anything… I just want to know that you care…" She said. Lincoln nodded.
"Of course. I look forward to it." He said. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea. He was feeling so conflicted about his feelings for Lucy… He couldn't understand them, and in a way, that was upsetting… In another way, it made him angry. He was always really good at understanding women… How could he miss such obvious clues about Lucy's feelings for him? He was always pretty good at understanding his own feelings and expressing them.
He was almost always the one who spoke for his sisters when they needed a representative. He could be a lawyer, they said. He didn't want to do something so boring, though. He wanted to be a comic book artist and writer, maybe a novelist. But he couldn't understand what he was feeling for Lucy… He needed to talk to someone who he knew wouldn't judge him… But who? All of his sisters would obviously be angry at him for what he did, and what he was feeling.
Girl Jordan wouldn't like the idea that he had feelings for another girl, especially his own sister. That would just be gross to her. He couldn't even tell Clyde. Clyde was still his best friend in the world… But how could Clyde understand Lincoln's confusing and forbidden desires for his own sister… It was cute when a younger sister had a crush on her older brother. It was creepy when an older brother had a crush on his younger sister. He hated the way he was feeling.
It made him sick to his stomach. But every time Lucy smiled at him, or she touched his hand, he felt a strange fluttering in his stomach, like everything would be alright. Like maybe it wasn't so wrong to love her like he did. But he had known her since she was a newborn? He was her older brother. He was supposed to protect her, not defile her with his disgusting desires. He looked at her guiltily, his eyes full of shame and fear. Seeing her beautiful face, her breathtaking eyes, her little smile when she was happy.
It was enough to bring tears to his eyes. But it also terrified him. He didn't want to go down that road. He promised himself in that moment that he would never tell Lucy how he felt. That he would never hurt her by revealing his feelings to her. He would never let himself harm her with his own depravity and inadequacy. Just because he was a disgusting human being didn't mean he had to turn Lucy into one. He turned around, going back to his room. Lucy stopped him, though.
"What's wrong, Lincoln? You look sick…"
"I am sick… But it's not the kind of sick that medicine can heal." Lincoln muttered. Lucy stopped him again. "Please tell me, Lincoln… Trust me… Confide in me."
"I don't even trust myself. Please leave me alone, Lucy…" Lincoln muttered pulling his hand out of hers and going toward his room. He stopped, though.
He took a deep breath. But he kept walking, closing the door to his room. He heard Lucy knocking on his door, but he didn't answer. No. He couldn't answer. If he let her come in, he would hug her… Then he would have to kiss her… Then he would tell her how much he loved her and that he would never let her go… And he didn't even want to think about what he would do if she didn't push him away after that. He was dangerous. He had promised her a date… But after that, he would try to avoid her if he could.
"Lincoln!" Lucy pleaded, sobs making her voice unsteady.
"Please don't ignore me! Whatever I did, I'll do anything to make it right! Please don't ignore me!" She begged, pounding at his door, desperate to know what she had done wrong, how she had offended him. Lori was at home at the moment, sitting on her old bed, chatting with Leni. She stood up, steadying herself and going to Lori's room, knocking on her door.
"Hey, Luce… How's it going… I was literally just about to go see if you wanted to hang out."
"I'm not really in the mood… Lincoln is angry at me, and I don't know why. Has he said anything to you?" Lucy asked.
"I literally haven't seen Lincoln all day. I heard you yelling at Girl Jordan, though… Maybe he's mad about that."
"He said he wasn't… I… It was weird… He was really affectionate at first… Like he always is. But then he started crying and apologizing to me. I-I kissed him the other night, and he didn't push me away… I-I thought that meant he was finally returning my feelings. But… He said he didn't… I… I guess I overreacted, and he felt really guilty about supposedly leading me on… So he apologized for that… Then suddenly, he got a weird look in his eye and then he just turned to stone on me and walked away.
"I… I must have done something wrong… Did I say something to him? I-I only asked him to take me on a date on Saturday… He wanted to apologize, so I asked him to do that for me… I-I didn't think it would be a problem… Maybe he's mad because he thinks I'm not taking the hint… What if he hates me now! What if he never wants t-t-t…" She could feel her chest starting to seize up, her muscles tensing, her breath coming in gasps.
"Lucy!" Lori cried, leaping up from the bed and running over to her. Leni was closer, though and knelt down with her, rubbing her back.
"Hey, Lucy, sweetie… It's alright… Your big sis, Leni is here for you." Leni said, holding Lucy and rocking her back and forth until she calmed down a bit.
"That was literally amazing, Leni… How did you do that?"
"I totes had a friend in middle school who had panic attacks all the time. I learned how to deal with them when they happened. She had to eat lunch alone in a classroom because the lunchroom was too stressful for her, so I always ate lunch with her so she had a friend… She told me she was in love with me in 8th grade… She was really sweet, but I didn't feel the same way…
"I think she took my rejection kinda hard, because she didn't really talk to me again after that." Leni said.
"Thank you, Leni…"
"I'm sure Linky doesn't hate you… Let me go talk to him." Leni said, kissing Lucy on the forehead and picking her up, putting her on her bed.
"Rest for a while… You look super tired." Leni said, walking out and knocking on Lincoln's door.
"GO AWAY, LUCY! I CAN'T BE AROUND YOU RIGHT NOW!" Lincoln begged, his voice shaking.
"It's Leni… Please let me in, Linky? I just want to talk to you."
"I… A-alright… Come in." Lincoln said. Leni walked in and sat down next to Lincoln's bed, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"What's wrong, Linky? You really upset Lucy. The Lincoln Loud I know would never do that. Lincoln Loud loves Lucy… And you do, too…"
"I-I'm not safe for her to be around! I'm scared! I'm scared I won't be able to control myself!"
"Aww… Linky is in love with Lucy…" Leni said happily. Lincoln looked enraged at this, though. Slapping his hand over Leni's mouth.
"DON'T SAY THAT!" He screamed, startling Leni. "Never say that again! I can't be in love with her! I can't let myself feel that way about her! She's so beautiful and elegant and gentle that if I'm in love with her, I'll be a danger to her every time I'm around her!" Lincoln demanded.
"I-I don't know how I feel about her… I'm so confused, Leni…" Lincoln sobbed.
"Please! Please help me! Tell me what I'm supposed to do!" Lincoln begged. Grabbing Leni's dress.
Leni gently petted Lincoln's head, stroking his hair, pulling him into a hug.
"It's alright, Linky… It'll be alright… You're the kindest, sweetest, gentlest man I know… I know you'd never hurt Lucy… No matter how attracted you are to her, no matter how strong your feelings are for her, you'd never hurt her… Because you love her, and Lincoln Loud would never hurt someone he loves."
"What about Girl Jordan? If I love Lucy… Am I cheating on Girl Jordan? Is desiring another woman being unfaithful to her? She's my girlfriend! And…"
"Linky…" Leni said. "It's alright. Nobody's perfect. You're in love with more than one girl… You're not the first person to ever have that happen to them."
"What should I do?"
"I don't know. Maybe you need to make a choice… Maybe they're both willing to be your girlfriend at once. Everyone's different, Linky…" Leni said. He had no idea how she had become so coherent and even wise. She was usually so scatterbrained that she couldn't even pay attention, much less follow something that was causing him so much pain and confusion.
"So… I… I need to talk to Lucy… I'll do it on Saturday… I'm going on a date with her, anyway. I need to break up with Girl Jordan… I can't believe I said that… I love her… But I can't cheat on her."
"How do you even know Lucy will say yes?"
"Whether she does or not, I'm cheating on her by not being able to be fully committed to her, by keeping this secret from her…"
"Linky… You're so honest… I really admire that about you. I know you can make all this better. If anyone can, it's you." Leni said sweetly. Lincoln nodded nervously.