Chapter Five

"Have you managed to make Lucy aware of your feelings for her?" Lisa asked.

"No… And I'm probably not going to be able to anytime soon… I'm still feeling pretty confused about them… About her… I'm going to her poetry club tomorrow to listen to her reading her poems. I'm spending the afternoon with her. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm so in love with her… But… I can't let myself ruin her life like that.

"She's only thirteen. What does she know about love? She loves me now… But what if she falls in love with a boy who's actually worth her time… Worth her admiration… But her reputation has already been destroyed because I wasn't smart enough to just stay away from that kind of relationship."

"Lincoln… You're spiraling." Lisa said.

"Please… Sit." Lisa said, turning a switch and shutting and locking the door.

"What was that switch? You're not… I dunno, irradiating the room or something, are you?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Lincoln. That would harm everyone in the house and likely in a fifteen mile radius in the long run. It was only for soundproofing and white noise machines.

"The soundproofing machines produce noise disruption waves immediately surrounding the room so that it essentially creates an area of silence. Some… Minor side effects may include interruption of normal electromagnetic waves such as those produced by cell phones, internet, cable, etcetera. As such, calls may be dropped, internet may short out, cable may not work within a 10-15 foot area perpendicular to the room. People may talk and find that their voices make no sound.

"Knocking on the door will produce no noise and noise outside will not penetrate the walls of the room. However, sound inside the room will not be audible outside. Furthermore, I have equipped the vents with electroshock devices. Not enough to injure. Only to deter those who enjoy sneaking around the house through the vents and may… accidentally end up in this area of the house. Your secrets are perfectly safe in here." Lisa said proudly. Lincoln nodded.

"Alright…"

"So tell me… Have you brought Girl Jordan up to date on your emotional infidelities?"

"If you mean have I told her that I have feelings for Lucy, then yes." Lincoln said. Lisa nodded.

"And how did she respond to your declaration?"

"She was angry when I told her I was cheating on her. But then she started questioning me on it and figured out that I wasn't being entirely forthright with her. She's really smart… And beautiful… And talented…" Lincoln muttered, blushing happily.

"Yes, yes. Regardless, did you explain that your feelings were for your sister?"

"Yes. She… Was surprisingly cool with it. She only wants me to keep her updated on my relationship with Lucy and she admitted that she kind of wanted to have a threesome with 'her boyfriend and a beautiful woman." Lincoln said. Lisa kept her deadpan expression.

"Interesting. And what does that tell you about Girl Jordan's character?"

"Not much. She's a lot more open than I thought. I haven't even confessed to Lucy yet, so I'm not sure how she feels about the whole thing." Lincoln said. Lisa nodded.

"Well, you should tell Lucy how you feel tomorrow if you're able. It doesn't seem like your feelings are going away, and it's almost certain with perhaps a 0.5% margin of error that it won't get any easier to tell her how you feel if you wait any longer.

"With a brain like yours that tends to come up with a dozen plans for every situation, one downside is that you come up with a dozen ways something could go wrong without even trying. The best course of action is to get it over with… Let Lucy decide just how much she's willing to risk in a relationship with you… If anything. It may be that she recognizes that this is just a crush and she'll turn you down… It could be that her feelings are stronger than that.

"After all, your assistance with her panic attacks has been essential to her mental and emotional health. It's possible that she's projecting feelings of safety and security on you and attaching powerful romantic sentiment to them. Furthermore, as her guardian in some respect, you may be projecting feelings of being needed, of being given unconditional trust and attention in a house where each member gets very little individual attention, onto her.

"On the other hand, you may legitimately have feelings for her and vice versa. I doubt I could convince either of you that any feelings you believe you have are merely projections of your own respective insecurities. As such, I'll leave the both of you to your own devices, and hopefully it will work out in the end. I wish you both the greatest of happiness." Lisa said flatly.

Lincoln felt a little disconcerted by her rather flat and emotionless delivery of her interpretation of their attraction to each other.

"How did you even know that Lucy was having panic attacks?"

"She's said to me what she's unwilling to say to our parents. She's spoken to me briefly about moments where she feels like her chest is on fire and the world is closing in on her.

"I have offered her some anti-anxiety drugs that I've developed… But I suspect that she doesn't trust that I have her best interests at heart. As a result, she refused them. It's a shame, because the drugs would all but eliminate the worst effects of her anxiety with few of the side effects that mainstream pharmaceuticals produce and without the need to dope herself daily. Luan takes my pills. I only insist that she see me once a month in order to check up on her condition." Lisa said.

"Luan has anxiety?"

"Yes. But she may as well not, given the medication she takes. She may suffer a mild sense of discomfort when under stress or when she feels like she's being unduly observed. But by and large, her symptoms are well under control. If Lucy would just give me the chance to prove that my medication works as I say it does, I could show her a long list of people who have benefitted from them.

"Still, I can't make her enjoy the benefits of them. Well, your session is effectively over. If you have anything more you'd like to discuss, I could extend your session…" Lisa said. Lincoln thought for a moment.

"How is graduate school going? I haven't gotten to just talk to you about you lately." Lincoln said. Lisa was surprised at this change of subject.

He wanted to know how she was doing? He was so worried about his date with Lucy tomorrow. He had been panicking about how Girl Jordan would react, how his feelings would hurt Lucy and by extension himself and his relationship with Lucy… But now, he seemed like he really did just want to talk about her. She felt tears glistening in her eyes. How was it that she had gotten such an amazing brother? If she could have given him the world, she was sure she would do it without a second's hesitation.

"It's going fine… My grades, despite taking classes in four PhD subjects continue to amaze the teachers. Sadly, there is no grade higher than an A+ that they can give me. Still, I'm told that I'll be graduating Summa Cum Laude in all my classes as Valedictorian."

"Are you taking care of yourself, Lise?" Lincoln asked, seeming concerned. Lisa blinked at him for a moment.

"What does that have to do with anything?" She asked. Lincoln sighed.

"Are you eating enough? Are you getting enough rest? Are you taking your baths? Are you spending time on yourself, or just hanging out with friends?"

"Again, I fail to see the logic of your line of questioning. I eat a nutrient rich paste that accounts for all my dietary needs without the need for cooking or the risk of sugar highs or lows.

"I spray myself daily with nanomachines that clean me entirely so that I am never foul smelling when in others' company. I have injected myself with nanomachines that allow me only to require a few short hours of sleep every few days and if I'm truly in a crunch, I can take a pill that will allow me to stay awake for a week potentially with no detrimental side effects.

"Furthermore, the best way I can spend time on myself is to ensure that my academic record does not slip and that I don't sully my reputation amongst the college professors and alumni. Friends… They're great… But I have no time right now to devote to my friend… I only have one, but I speak to her through text when I have a moment to spare. So you see? I'm fine. I just have my priorities in ord… Why are you crying, Lincoln? Have I said something to offend you?

"Have you gotten chemicals in your eye? Allow me to get some saline solution to wash your… Why are you hugging me?" Lisa demanded. Lincoln lifted her in the air, kissing her on the forehead. Tears were still flowing down his cheeks.

"Lisa… You need to really take care of yourself. You're only ten years old, but the schedule you've given yourself makes you seem like your middle aged."

"Thank you. I have always been mature for my age."

"No… That wasn't a compliment. Lisa… Please… Please get some rest… Relax… Go out for ice cream with friends or see a movie… Take some time for yourself… Just be a kid."

"I'm not familiar with the concept… It sounds painful, though. Though, if our siblings' asinine behavior is anything to go by, I suspect I wouldn't care for it."

"You don't have to mud wrestle or do anything crazy… Just… Find something that isn't work. Lisa, you're ten years old. There'll be plenty of time for work later in life, when you're the most celebrated scientist in three galaxies. For now… Do your work, but also make time for yourself… Please? For me?" He asked. Lisa looked at him, and he could see how tired she really was.

"Alright, Elder Brother. Your arguments have worn me down. I will, as you say take a break." She said, heading downstairs and dialing up Darcy. They never did get around to studying trigonometry.

Lincoln yawned, rolling over in his bed and yelping as he saw Lucy lying next to him. How did she get into his bed without him noticing? Lucy rolled over as well, smiling at Lincoln.

"Hey, Lincoln…" Lucy muttered.

"Hey, Lucy… When did you end up in my bed?"

"Not nearly soon enough… I was having trouble sleeping.

"And I always sleep better when I'm with you." She said, turning a faint pink.

"What time is it?"

Lucy looked at Lincoln's clock.

"10 am. It's a lot quieter now that half our sisters are gone." Lincoln nodded, stretching and getting out of bed, only to be pulled back by Lucy, who hugged him tightly.

"Could you stay for a little while?" She asked. Lincoln nodded, settling back down under the covers and holding Lucy close to him, enjoying the closeness.

"Lincoln… Are you still going to come see me at the poetry club today?"

"Yes. I look forward to it. I've got my whole day open." Lincoln said.

"Will you hold my hand on the date?"

"If you want me to." Lincoln said, trying not to make too much of a commitment.

"Will you kiss me?"

"On the cheek or the forehead." The older Loud said. Lucy sighed, looking away. She was so beautiful. How could he still doubt his desire for her?

There was no doubt that he wanted her. He loved her… He was in love with her. He was so distracted that he didn't even notice until Lucy was half a centimeter from his face, about to kiss him on the lips again. Lincoln shoved her off, though. He didn't mean to push her hard, but she fell back and hit her head on his headboard.

"Lucy! I'm so sorry! Are you alright!" He asked. Lucy moaned, looking at him with an unfocused gaze before shaking her head and looking away from him.

"Yeah… I'm fine… I'm sorry, Lincoln. I know I'll never find anyone as amazing as you… I guess I'm just having trouble accepting that. You're handsome, you're smart, you're sensitive, you're strong… There's nobody as good as you in the whole world…" Lucy whispered.

Lincoln shook his head at this.

"That's not true. I'm not as great as you think I am… I'm… I'm a total scumbag."

It was now or never. They were there. There was no better chance. She was paying total attention to him, and they had relative privacy in his room.

"That's not true, Linky… You're the most honest, moral man I know." Lucy said.

"No… I've… I've been lying to you… For too long now… I-I didn't want you to get caught up in my depravity… It's one thing for a younger sibling to have a crush on their older sibling. That's adorable and perfectly normal. It's something else entirely for an older sibling to have feelings for their younger sibling. That's creepy and wrong and it should be criminal…" Lincoln said, looking disgusted with himself. Lucy put a hand on his cheek.

"Are you… Do you mean?"

"I love you, Lucy… I just… I don't want your life to be ruined because I couldn't keep it in my pants. I don't want you to be stuck with me. I want you to find someone that's worth your admiration and respect… Because I… Mmmmph…" Lincoln groaned, his eyes closing in desire as Lucy kissed him passionately on the lips.

Her hands gently found their way to his face, holding his cheek in one hand and taking his hand in her other. The two parted momentarily for breath before joining at the lips again. Finally, Lincoln pulled away. "Lucy…" He gasped.

"Please… You're… you're only thirteen… I won't let myself take ad… Mmmph… Mmm…" He moaned as she kissed him again. He was failing. He was losing this battle.

"I won't let myself take advantage of you…" Lincoln said, blushing and trying to will himself to not get any harder than he already was. Having this dark, elegant beauty in his arms, kissing him, running her hands down his body was bringing about feelings that he hoped he would never have to experience. She was his little sister, for God's sake! He had known her since the day she was born. He practically helped raise her. What right did he have to look at her like this?

Between his guilt and his overwhelming desire for her though, it seemed that his desire was winning out. Lucy wasn't even pushing that hard anymore as she leaned in and kissed him, flicking her tongue on his lips, pushing in and moaning into his mouth. He returned the kiss with equal fervor… This was so wrong… He knew how guilty, how disgusted with himself he was going to feel later. He knew that he would hate himself for what he was afraid was about to happen.

But he wanted it so badly. It was simultaneously terrifying and inviting. He wanted Lucy so badly, but he didn't want to do that to her. He was the worst kind of hypocrite, wanting the best of both worlds. Wanting to taste the forbidden fruit but not have to pay the price for it. Everything had a price in life. If he wanted the joys of being with the woman he loved, he had to pay the price of possibly being ostracized, of seeing Lucy being shunned as well…

And what scared him was that he was all too willing to see that happen. What right did he have to decide what was an acceptable loss for her? What right did he have to decide that it was alright if Lucy was ostracized? He pushed her away, gently this time, holding her at arm's length.

"Lucy… If we go any further… We… We can never go back…" He said, seeming hopeful and ashamed at the same time.

"People won't accept our relationship. I know you think you love the taboo, but people will shun you… Will shun us… Incest isn't well regarded in modern society." Lincoln muttered. This actually seemed to give Lucy pause for a moment.

"I know… I'm a little worried about that as well… We should try to keep our relationship secret… Even within our own family… What would mom and dad say if they knew?

"Could our sisters keep it a secret? I won't take either risk."

"Actually… Lisa knows…"

"Lisa I'm not worried about. She's so wrapped up in science that she'll probably figure out a way to make it so that any children we might have will be perfectly healthy. I don't know if that's possible, but if it is, Lisa can do it." Lucy said. Lincoln nodded.

"So… This is really okay with you?"

"Yes." Lucy said, leaning in to kiss Lincoln again. He stopped her, though.

"I… Girl Jordan… She asked me to make sure you know that I'm not breaking up with her." Lincoln said. Lucy looked hard at Lincoln for a moment, then smiled.

"So long as you know that I won't be second place to anyone…"

"And she wants to know if you'd be willing to have a threesome…" Lincoln muttered, blushing deeply at the thought. Lucy seemed to give this some thought.

"I always wondered what sex with a girl would be like. Let me have the first go at her when we do it, and it's a deal." Lucy said with a devious smirk.

Lincoln laughed, kissing Lucy again and nodding.

"You got it, beautiful."