Summary: Inspired by 30 Rock. While Elfman is estranged from Evergreen, Mirajane begins to suspect he is cheating on his wife.
Parings: Elfman/Evergreen, Mirajane/Laxus, mentions of Gajeel/Levy, Laxus/Evergreen friendship, and sisterly Mirajane/Elfman.
Author's Note: I know! I know! I know! I'm sorry, 2021 was just another shitty year. The third lock down damn well killed all my creativity and soul, and then I lost my job, and then I ended up in a whole new career which I'm still trying to get to grips with. I promise there will be more updates now. Thank you all who still kept reading and commenting, we're now over FOURTEEN THOUSAND AND SIX HUNDRED!
To the surprise of absolutely no one, Elfman and Evergreen were going through a trial separation.
After all the couple had fought about EVERYTHING under the sun and, more often than not, the guild all privately thought that it was the weirdest pairing of all time and would never last.
("It makes even less sense than Levy-Chan making out with the guy who crucified her!" Jet wailed once.
"What the hell does that mean?!" Gajeel barked defensively.
"That Levy could have done better than you!" Droy spat out.
This, unsurprisingly, led to a brawl within the guild hall that ended with Jet and Droy in full body casts for two whole weeks as they waited for Wendy to come home.)
So when Evergreen finally had enough and kicked Elfman out of their home – or, as Elfman liked to claim, when Elfman finally had enough and stormed out in a very manly way – no one really battered an eyelid, and some had even breathed a sigh of relief that the never-ending argument seemed to finally be over.
Even Ellie, their beloved daughter, looked brighter and happier about the whole thing.
"Mum and Dad said I will get two Christmases this year," she said cheerfully to a concerned Mirajane, "and it's nice to actually sleep through the night because they're not screaming at each other."
Only Laxus seemed to be upset about the end of Elfman and Evergreen's marriage.
Though this did have more to do with the fact that Elfman was now living on his sofa and eating all the ice cream as he sobbed like a great big baby on Mirajane's shoulder, than it did not any genuine loss felt about the end of a relationship between his brother in law and one of his best friends. After an incident where Laxus had accidentally used Elfman's underwear as a towel (don't ask, it was an extremely traumatising moment in his life and that was saying something!), he had been all for throwing Elfman out of the house.
However one dark glower from his beloved wife, and Laxus found him stuck with a weepy, 'manly', brother in law who keeps writing super depressing poetry and making a lot of mess in his home.
If it wasn't for the fact Laxus was sure Mira would murder him first, he would have seriously contemplated divorcing her in order to get Elfman off of his sofa.
(He. Kept. Eating. All. Of. The. Ice. Cream!)
And then suddenly something had changed. For some reason, just out of the blue, Elfman was actually taking care of himself. He had started to shower regularly, he was working out again (though Laxus would prefer Elfman to not do push ups and jumping jacks in just his boxers in the kitchen while Laxus was trying to eat his breakfast), he ate healthily again (Laxus' secret ice cream stash was safe once more) and he had even started to take jobs again. There was no more depressing poetry left abandoned on the floor of Laxus' house and Mira was no longer covered in snot and tears after long, draining, hours of comforting her younger brother.
It was such a relieve.
Elfman was a human being again, Mira was happier and smiling again, and Laxus had a little bit of his space and privacy back.
And then suddenly he caught the whiff of another woman clinging onto Elfman. There was something familiar about the scent but the perfume was definitely new and unusual to Laxus. Elfman was out at odd hours and seemed a little more conscious about his appearance in a way Laxus had never seen before. The depressing poetry was gone but it was replaced with romantic poetry and, worse yet, love songs that Elfman whistled or hummed all day long when he was around.
(By that point Laxus missed the depressing poetry. As dark and disturbing those were, at least they were silent and not out of tune.)
It didn't really click that Elfman must have met someone until Mirajane spelled it out for him.
"He's having an affair!" Mira declared unhappily as they climbed into bed. "He is seeing another woman! He is cheating on his wife."
"Ever kicked him out, babe," Laxus reminded her, and himself as he had to push down the urge to fucking strangle the life out of Elfman for breaking his best friend's heart, "I don't think it counts as cheating if they're separated."
"It's until death do us part," Mira said fiercely, "death do us part! Not until one of gets fed up with the other and decides to throw them out of the house for a reprieve!"
"What can we do?" Laxus shrugged. "He's a grown man. We can't tell him to go back to his wife, if he doesn't want to."
"Watch me!"
Laxus did. He watched very intently over his breakfast as Mira adopted the sweetest, most loving, and tender sisterly personas as she gently reminded Elfman the sanctity of marriage and how important it was to remain faithful to one's spouse and put every effort into preserving one's marriage before considering divorce. All the while Elfman sweated like a pig about to face the slaughter house as he edged further and further away from Mira's blazing gaze. The guilt was etched in his face so blatantly that even Natsu would be able to notice something fishy was going on.
"There's nothing you wish to share with me," Mira hammered the final nail sweetly, "is there Elfman?"
"Oh would you look at the time Nee-san!" Elfman leaped out of his seat. "It's time to go to work, can't be late or I might be fired."
"You don't have a boss," Mira said flatly, "we're guild members, you can pick whatever job you want whenever you want."
"And I want to get to the board before all the jobs are gone, bye!"
Laxus was impressed, he had never seen Elfman move so fast in his life. There was still a dusty outline of where he had previously been sitting left behind as the front door was left wide open.
"Well," Laxus drawled out.
"Don't say it!"
"I was just going to say-"
"Nope!"
"That-"
"I'm just beginning to sort it out!"
"...went well," Laxus finished with a smirk.
"Oh shut up!" Mira bristled. "He's feeling guilty about being a filthy cheater. By the end of today I'll have him not only grovelling for forgiveness but back home with his wife where he belongs."
"And if Ever decides that she doesn't want to be with a filthy cheater and that Elfman would be much better suited as a giant ugly garden gnome?"
"Well then," Mira said primly, "it'll get him out of our house, won't it?"
It took all of Laxus' self-control and will power to not punch up a celebratory fist in the air. He had absolutely no doubt if he gave into the temptation, Mira will come down on him like a tonne of bricks and invite Elfman to not only stay longer but to move in and redecorate their guest bedroom (reserved only for the kids when they're babysitting) as his own.
Instead he just shrugged and murmured the appropriate 'whatever you want' response before he got up to go to the guild. There was a mountain of paperwork that both the annoying old generation and the new bratty generation had created for him to die on. He had barely got even a tenth of the way through the nightmare of a thing (how many times did Ur Fullbuster and Nashi Dragneel need to accidentally trash a public area with one of their squabbles? Urgh, they were just like their fathers, pain in the backsides the lot of them!) when Mira suddenly barged into his office.
"He's sneaking out!" She hissed.
"Huh?"
"Elfman!" Mira waved her hands melodramatically. "He's sneaking out. I am not exaggerating when I tell you he made himself as small as possible and tried to slink out of the door without being noticed."
Laxus' lips twitched at that.
"So how did you notice?"
"I see everything," Mira said serenely, "keep that in mind the next time you consider sneaking out yourself."
Laxus barely suppressed a shudder.
"Didn't you want to find who Elfman is sleeping with?" He asked. "I'm surprised you're here and not hunting him down to tear this skank's hair out for sleeping with your precious little brother."
"I thought you might want to come with me," Mira said, "and have a little word with Elfman and one of your lightning bolts about cheating on your dear friend Evergreen while I tear the skank's hair out for sleeping with my slightly tarnished precious little brother."
Laxus was already halfway out of the door pulling his coat on.
He had wanted to shock Elfman for quite some time and was taking any level of permission (little talk can easily accidentally turn into a fried body, it's been a while since Laxus has done anything other than paperwork. He's out of practice) to throw lightning bolts at his brother in law.
If Elfman was trying to be sneaky, he was failing epically at it. Laxus and Mirajane were able to catch up with him rather quickly just in time to see him shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other while holding a bouquet of flowers in a vice like grip. They quickly ducked back behind a building and watched carefully for the other woman to make her appearance.
She couldn't be more obvious that she was the other woman when she arrived.
Her hair was hidden by a floral scarf wrapped round her head and she had huge black sunglasses that obscured most of her face. As if she didn't look shady enough, she was also wearing a long brown raincoat.
...It was summer.
She accepted Elfman's flowers and kissed him hurriedly before they rushed away hand in hand. Without even so much as exchanging a glance, Laxus and Mira ran after them. A new bolt of fury raced through Laxus' body when he realised that Elfman was taking the other woman to his home.
Elfman had already ticked Laxus off by invading his personal space with his noise, and emotions, and disgusting smells.
Then he further pissed Laxus off by making it difficult for Laxus to complain about the noise, and emotions, and disgusting smells.
Then he infuriated Laxus by apparently cheating on Laxus' best female friend. Separation or no separation, Mirajane was right. It was death do us part and at this rate it will be Elfman's death that will part him and Evergreen.
But taking this other woman to Laxus and Mirajane's home? The home they built together as newly weds and poured their hearts and dreams into?
Laxus was going to fucking murder the bastard, brother in law or not.
He halted to a stop when he caught the heartbroken look on Mira's face and took a moment to squeeze her hand comfortingly.
"How do you wanna deal with this?" He asked. "Do you want me to chuck them out or do you wanna head back and pretend we don't know? You don't have to parent him any more babe, you can let him make his own stupid ass mistakes and get skewered to death by Ever."
Mira shook her head firmly. "I want," her face darkened into her most demonic (non-transformed) expression, "to throttle the ungrateful wretch and remind him the lessons I taught him about true love and fidelity by shoving my fist down his throat."
"...God, I love you," Laxus said reverently.
They then kicked the front door down together.
Elfman, it appeared much to Laxus' never-ending disgust, works fast. There was no sign of either Elfman or the other woman but there was definitely a lot of flowers and clothes scattered all over their living room floor. This was coupled by the nauseating sounds of a bed squeaking and the shrill shrieks of another woman coming from upstairs.
"Is he...?" Mira turned a faint green. "...is he....fucking another woman in our bed?!"
"Babe," Laxus growled, "I'm going to murder your brother."
"Not unless I get there first!"
They flew up the stairs, Mira shifting into her favoured demonic form and lightning dancing on Laxus' fingertips, without hesitation they threw open the bedroom door to reveal the horrific sight of a mousy haired naked woman bouncing up and down a piece of Elfman's anatomy that Laxus had never wanted to see in his life.
"OH MY GOD!"
"NEE-SAN!"
"FUCKING HELL!"
"LAXUS?! MIRA?!"
"...EVERGREEN?!"
In what is honestly the most horrifying and painful moment of Laxus' life (and again, this was seriously saying something!), Laxus suffered the sensation of his very soul leaving his body. The sight of Elfman and Evergreen doing that on his very own bed made him sick to his very bones. He wasn't quite sure how he managed to survive the excruciatingly long time it took for Elfman and Evergreen to get dressed as they stumbled over their explanation of what exactly was going on.
"It's just we've been fighting for so long," Ever rambled, "and not having a single moment of actually being a couple together."
"You know we didn't get much time as newly weds since Ellie was born so soon in the marriage," Elfman continued, his face as red as Erza's scarlet locks, "we never got to enjoy that honeymoon phase like you and Laxus did, Nee-san."
"So when talking about our separation and how much we didn't want to get divorced but we didn't want to go back to everything else...well...we just...thought..."
"...it would be super manly and sexy to pretend we were having an affair with one another," Elfman kept his eyes firmly fixed on the floor. "You know, spice things up again and reignite our romance."
It was a sign of just how humiliated and ashamed Evergreen was feeling that she didn't snap at Elfman for labelling their newfound sex life as 'manly'. Laxus pitied her deeply but he still wanted to wring her neck for besmirching his own marriage bed with her and Elfman's disturbing crap.
"I am happy for you Elfman and Evergreen," Mira said calmly, "that you have finally found that spark in your marriage again..."
Elfman and Ever both sighed in relief at that.
"...now get the hell out of my house and conduct your secret affair behind your own closed doors!" Mira snapped as she firmly pointed to their bedroom door. "You're no longer welcome to live here Elfman."
"Yes, Nee-san."
And on that dejected note, Elfman and Evergreen slunk out of Laxus and Mira's house with their tails tucked between their legs. Laxus slumped against the wall suddenly feeling light and carefree for the first time in days.
"So," he grinned, "your brother is not a filthy cheater having a steamy affair with some random skank."
"No," Mira beamed back, "he is not."
"And," Laxus continued, "your brother has finally moved out of our house and back in with his wife, where he belongs."
"He most certainly has!"
"So there's only just one thing left to do before we can both be deliriously happy again."
"Oh?" Mira raised an eyebrow. "And what's that?"
"We need to burn those bedsheets," Laxus said seriously, "in fact we should probably burn the bed down too."
"I'll fetch Natsu!"