Author's note: Please read follow and review! You guys are the motivation to keep going!
Disclaimer: I own nothing but Emily. Also there may be parts in this chapter that are pushing the limits of Mature Content but I tried to keep things still pretty clean.
It took two hours… two hours for Bobby Sam and Dean to assemble the burn pile. Then they carefully wrapped him up in cloth. I opted not to watch that part.
"Em… it's time." Sam said as he walked over to the porch swing, where I've sat pretty much all day.
"Okay…" I whispered getting up and walking with Sam to meet Bobby and Dean at the back of Bobby's salvage yard.
Dean and Sam lifted Daddy and slowly placed him on top of the sticks. Dean was the one to light them… Bobby left us to watch alone. Knowing it was a family thing. I stood between my two brothers and watched my daddy's body burn. I glanced between Dean and Sam. Sam was crying… Dean's eyes were glossy and if you paid close attention you could see a tear or two fall before he was able to catch them.
I tried. I tried to force it. I tried to let them come naturally… but I couldn't. I couldn't cry. I haven't cried a single tear since the hospital a couple of days ago. After I finished sobbing… the pain slowly went numb. I haven't felt anything since. No pain. No anger. No emotion whatsoever. I feel like a part of me inside has died too.
Sam being Sam reached over and wrapped an arm around me. For his sake I wrapped one around his waist and squeezed. Just because I was an emotionless bitch doesn't mean that I can't be there for Sam.
Dean and I have barely spoken to each other… Sam and I haven't really talked much either. Bobby has been keeping his distance giving us each a chance to mourn in our own way.
I wish I could mourn… I wish I could feel the pain. Accept it. Get past it. But instead I feel nothing… I feel empty.
"Did he say anything to you…. Before he.." Sam asked Dean.
"…Nothing." Dean slowly replied, staring at the flames much like I did.
I stood there for about an hour before I decided I'd had enough… I walked back into Bobby's and made a beeline for my bedroom. Thankfully Bobby still had it set up for me.
"Darlin… why don't you eat something?" Bobby said catching me before I jotted up the stairs.
"I'm not hungry." I simply said before disappearing.
THREE WEEKS LATER
"Bobby I don't know what to do… she won't do anything! I don't know whether to push harder, back off, or what…" I could hear Sam discussing me with Bobby.
"I don't know son… I've never seen her like this." Bobby agreed.
"She's going to sit up there and rot if we don't figure something out… she's not eating. She's not talking to anyone… hell I don't even think she's sleeping." Sam said frustrated.
I am actually. I mean. If you can count 2-3 hours a night sleeping. Then sure. I'm sleeping. And I eat… well. Some days.
I don't ignore Sam. I just don't initiate or carry on meaningless conversations. He acts like I've gone mute but I'll speak when spoken too… I just don't have much to say.
"Sam I think you and I both know what she needs…"
"But he won't even go near her. He avoids her."
Yeah. He does… Dean. Dean who used to push me to always talk to him. Dean who was always kept me within eyesight. My Dean.
Well My Dean wants nothing to do with me. I don't know why. I don't know what I did wrong. But I can't even be hurt over it… I can't cry over it either. Trust me I've tried.
Its like there's some mental block on the emotions section of my brain.
I've tried everything to knock it down. Think of the saddest movie you've ever seen… I've watched it. Nothing.
I replayed daddy dying in my head… nothing.
The only thing I feel now is fear. I guess I forgot to mention that the reason I don't sleep is because of the nightmares. Every single night. I wake up and every night I think I might finally break the levee and get some relief. But no. Every night it's the same thing… I wake up scared. My heart racing, my body covered in sweat. Tears building behind my eyelids. But as soon as I realize I'm awake it all disappears.
I hate them but I almost welcome them because for those few minutes I can feel something… anything.
Dean's working on the impala day in and day out… he gets up. Goes outside and doesn't come back until nightfall again. He'll make runs for parts and whiskey but other than that he doesn't leave Bobby's. Sam and Bobby have been trying to pick up a trail… anything. Me? I've been sitting in the room staring out the window watching Dean work for a week now.
"Hey Em." Sam said knocking on the door and cracking it open.
"Yeah come in." I said quietly without looking away from the window.
"I'm getting ready to go down and talk to him… wanna come?"
"No. He doesn't want to talk to me."
"Kiddo that's not true. He's just- having a hard time."
"Sam if I wanted to talk to Dean I would. I know where he is. Thanks anyways."
"Okay… well why don't you come with me to grab some food. I need to run into town anyways."
"No thanks not hungry."
"Emily. When was the last time you ate something."
"Sam just drop it." I sighed.
"No. I'm not! Emily get up! Go do something! Quit staring out the window and waiting for things to be different! Cause they're not going to be! Dad's gone and it sucks ass… get up and do something about it!" He yelled at me getting closer and closer as he spoke.
I sighed deeply… I know what he's trying to do. He's trying to piss me off. He's trying to get me to react. But if he only knew… I wanna scream at him. I wanna get angry. I wanna punch something. But… I just. Can't feel angry. I guess I could stop being so selfish though… I'm causing Sam to worry. He's got enough going on. So I guess you fake it till you make it.
"Okay Sam. Let me take a shower." I said getting out of the windowsill and getting clothes out of my bag.
"…Um.. Okay." He said confused.
I showered and even put on a little make up, that way Sam doesn't look like he's walking with a zombie when we go out. I walked down the stairs and Bobby seemed as shocked as Sam was to see me dressed and leaving the room.
"Okay lets go." I said walking out the door.
"I need to talk to Dean first… we'll walk past him to get to the car anyways." Sam said. Dammit… he knew what he was doing.
I stood there and crossed my arms. "Whatever Sam."
He walked out the door and I followed him all the way to where Dean's legs were sticking out from under the impala.
"How's the car coming along?" Sam asked as we approached.
"Slow."
"Yeah? Need any help?" Not like Sam could help. He's useless under a hood.
"What, you under a hood? I'll pass."
"Well Em can help." He said pushing me forward.
"….Yeah." I mumbled, I could hear Dean stop tinkering for a second.
"I'm good." Was all he said.
"Need anything else, then?" Sam asked him. Dean pushed himself out from the car and stood up, not looking in our direction but instead focusing on the tools in front of him.
"Stop it, Sam." He said shortly.
"Stop what?"
"Stop asking if I need anything, stop asking if I'm okay. I'm okay. Really. I promise."
"All right, Dean, it's just... We've been at Bobby's for a few weeks now and you haven't brought up Dad once."
I looked down at my feet… I knew what was coming next. A fight.
"You know what? You're right. Come here. I'm gonna lay my head gently on your shoulder. Maybe we can cry, hug, and maybe even slow dance."
"Don't patronize me, Dean, Dad is dead. The Colt is gone, and it seems pretty damn likely that the demon is behind all of this, and you're acting like nothing happened. You both are! Aren't you sick of just sitting around here!"
"What do you want me to say?" Dean replied.
"Say something, all right? Hell, say anything! Aren't you angry? Don't you want revenge? But all you do is sit out here all day long buried underneath this damn car."
Then he turned to me.
"And all you do is sit in the damn window and watch him! I mean for christsakes you two won't even look at each other!"
Again….. nothing. I feel nothing. So instead of arguing I leaned against the junk yard car beside me and stared at my feet waiting for it to end.
"Revenge, huh?" Dean asked looking only to Sam.
"Yeah."
"Sounds good. You got any leads on where the demon is? Making heads or tails of any of Dad's research? Because I sure ain't. But you know, if we do finally find it - oh. No, wait, like you said. The Colt's gone. But I'm sure you've figured out another way to kill it. We've got nothing, Sam. Nothing, okay? So you know the only thing I can do? Is I can work on the car."
"What about her Dean?! You gonna stand there and tell me that you don't have anything to do with this?!" Sam gestured to me. But I just walked away. I'm so over this fight.
I walked slowly so I could still hear what Dean's response was going to be, I was curious.
"Sam she just needs some space. Leave her alone."
"I think you've left her alone enough for the both of us! She needs you! She's like a damn ghost walking around here! She doesn't eat, she doesn't sleep, she doesn't leave that damn room. She just sits there and watches you."
"Sam. I said drop it. When you have something worth telling me come back, other than that I've got work to do."
"Well, we've got something, all right?...It's what I came by here to tell you. This is one of dad's old phones. Took me a while, but i cracked his voicemail code. Listen to this."
I froze. I wasn't going to be able to hear the voicemail as Dean listened to it, but this was the first lead we've had. I didn't want to just keep walking, I wanted to know.
"That message is four months old." Sam said to Dean.
"Dad saved that chick's message for four months?"
"Yeah."
"Well, who's Ellen? Any mention of her in Dad's journal?"
Ellen… no. I've never read anything about an Ellen.
"No. But I ran a trace on her phone number and I got an address."
"Ask Bobby if we can use one of his cars." Dean said wiping his hands and walking inside.
"Em… go grab your bag." Sam hollered to me. Grrreat. Stuck in a car with my brothers, that's the last place I want to be right now.
I went inside and grabbed my stuff. When I walked back out I passed Bobby and gave him a half smile.
"Darling…" he called after me, I turned around.
"I really wish you'd talk to them… its killin em you know. Dean may not say it… but he's worried about you too. He's just being an idjit right now."
"Okay Bobby." I said before walking back out and taking my time going to the mini van Sam was currently packing.
"This is humiliating. I feel like a friggin' soccer mom!" Dean said walking around from the side of the van.
"It's the only car Bobby had running."
It really was disgusting… totally not a Winchester approved ride. If I were able to find anything funny at the moment I'd be laughing my ass off at the site of Dean behind the wheel. But instead I just popped in my headphones to avoid any conversation.
It took us about 5 hours before we got there. We walked into the old dusty bar. There's no one around except for some drunk guy asleep on top of a table.
"Hey, buddy?" Sam said trying to wake him up.
"I'm guessing that isn't Ellen." Dean said.
"Yeah." Sam replied. I stood there and let them clear the area, Sam stepped into the back room right before Dean's voice caused me to turn around and reach for my gun.
"Oh god, please let that be a rifle." He says as I notice a small blonde woman standing behind him, she cocked the gun.
"No, I'm just real happy to see you. Don't move."
"Not moving, copy that. You know, you should know something, miss. When you put a rifle on someone, you don't want to put it right against their back. Because it makes it real easy to do..." he flung around and turned the rifle on her, "that."
She decked him square in the face and took the rifle back. I almost laughed, but kept my gun raised just incase.
"Sam! Em! Need some help in here."
"I can't see, I can't even see." He muttered to himself holding his nose.
I stayed hidden in the corner, not giving away my position to the blonde.
"Sorry, Dean, I can't right now. I'm a... little tied up." Sam said walking back into the main room with his hands up, there was a woman with a gun shoved into his back following right behind him.
"Sam? Dean? Winchester?" She asked.
"Yeah." The boys said in unison.
"Son of a bitch."
"Mom, you know these guys?" the blonde asked.
"Yeah, I think these are John Winchester's boys." She laughed and lowered her gun, the blonde did the same. "Hey, I'm Ellen. This is my daughter Jo."
"Hey." She said.
"You're not gonna hit me again, are you?" Dean asked.
"Don't you two have a sister?" Ellen asked.
"Yeah. Emily." I said stepping out of the corner and putting my gun back in my waistband.
"Damn your good… I didn't even see you over there." Jo said.
"Thanks" I mumbled.
We all sat down at the bar and Ellen offered Dean some ice for his face.
"Here you go."
"Thanks. You called our dad, said you could help. Help with what?" Dean asked.
"Well, the demon, of course. I heard he was closing in on it."
"What, was there an article in the Demon Hunters Quarterly that I missed? I mean, who, who are you? How do you know about all this?"
"Hey, I just run a saloon. But hunters have been known to pass through now and again. Including your dad a long time ago. John was like family once."
"Oh yeah? How come he never mentioned you before?"
"You'd have to ask him that."
"So why exactly do we need your help?"
"Hey, don't do me any favors. Look, if you don't want my help, fine. Don't let the door smack your ass on the way out. But John wouldn't have sent you if... He didn't send you."
I looked down at the floor.
"He's all right, isn't he?"
"No. He's dead." I said coldy. Not looking up.
"Emily…" Sam tried. "It was the demon, we think. It, um, it just got him before he got it, I guess." Sam explained.
"I'm so sorry." Ellen said.
"It's okay. We're all right." Dean said quickly.
"Really? I know how close you and your dad were."
"Really, lady, he said we're fine." I snapped wanting to change the conversation.
"Emily." Dean said sternly. Warning me to watch my tone.
I got up and walked away from the bar.
"So look, if you can help, we could use all the help we can get." Sam told her.
"Well, we can't. But Ash will."
"Who's Ash?"
"Ash!" She yelled. Suddenly the drunk guy on the table shot up. Oh you gotta be shittin me.
"What? It closin' time?" He mumbled half asleep.
"That's Ash?" Sam asked.
"Mm-hmm. He's a genius." Jo said with a straight face.
"You've gotta be kidding me, this guy's no genius. He's a Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie." Dean said.
"I like you." Ash said sitting down next to Dean.
"Thanks." Dean muttered.
"Just give him a chance…" Jo said.
"All right. This stuff's about a year's worth of our dad's work, so uh, let's see what you make of it." Dean said handing it over to Ash. He pulled out the papers and shook his head at them.
"Come on. This crap ain't real. There ain't nobody can track a demon like this." He said.
"Our dad could." I replied.
"There are non-parametrics, statistical overviews, prospects and correlations, I mean.. damn! They're signs. Omens. Uh, if you can track 'em, you can track this demon. You know, like crop failures, electrical storms... You ever been struck by lightening? It ain't fun."
"Can you track it or not?" I asked unamused.
"Well. Aren't you cheery… Yeah, with this, I think so. But it's gonna take time, uh, give me... fifty one hours." He said getting up to leave.
"I hope you two know what you're doing." I said to Sam and Dean while getting up and going to shoot some pool.
"Hey, man?" Dean called to Ash.
"Yeah."
"I, uh, I dig the haircut."
"All business up front, party in the back." Mullets. Seriously? What hair dresser in their right mind let him do that…
I racked and cleared the table over and over again. Just keeping myself busy and avoiding having to make small talk. Dean was talking to Jo while Sam sat at the bar with Ellen looking at something. I was perfectly content keeping to myself.
"Hey Em." Sam called to me.
"What?" I answered not looking up, but instead sinking the ball in front of me.
"Come take a look at this…" I turned to see him and Dean eyeing through what looked like a case.
I sighed and walked over, reading the clippings.
"Yeah. Okay?"
"I told Ellen we'd check it out."
"Okay… I'll be in the car." I said walking back out.
(DEAN'S POV)
I watched Em walk back outside, but I didn't miss the glare Sam was giving me.
"Dean. Do something about it. Soon. Or she's going to lose it." He said to me harshly.
"Why don't you go handle it!" I shot back.
"Because she won't talk to me! She needs you and you have done nothing but avoid her since we left the hospital! I'm sick of it!"
"Lay off Sam…" I said chugging my beer and getting up. The last thing we need to do is have this fight in front of some woman we barely know. Family business is family business.
"No Dean! Get over yourself and go help that poor girl! She isn't even Emily anymore. She's basically Emily's ghost!"
"Sam! Not the time or place to have this discussion." I warned him with a look.
"You two don't need to be ashamed in front of me… I know what its like. We've all been there. And I don't know that poor girl out there… but I can tell you I know she probably shouldn't be left alone right now. If you two need anything we'll be here, got some cots out back if you wanna crash for the night."
"No… I think we're just gonna grab a room closer to the case, thanks Ellen." Sam said giving her a small smile.
"Okay… you boys becareful."
"Yes maam." I said walking back to the piece of shit van Bobby gave us. I felt like someone chopped my balls of when I got in the driver seat and pulled it out of the parking lot. Man I miss Baby.
I glanced back in the rearview mirror. Em was staring out the window with her headphones in. She usually does that when she's avoiding us. She doesn't want to talk to me… and I'm not gonna push. Its been days since I've seen her, she looks- different?
I drove us a couple hours out and pulled in for the night, then I went back out for a food run. The local diner had cheesecake. Em loves cheesecake, so I got her some to go with her chicken strips.
"Foods here." I called as I walked back in the door and kicked it shut with my foot. Sam was already at the table on his computer, researching the case I'm sure. Em was already in bed, wait? Its only like 8 'o' clock?
I pointed over to her and looked at Sam confused. He looked back as if to say "told you so." I just rolled my eyes. It can't be that bad. I mean I know I haven't exactly been around to see but Emily is Emily. She's tough… she'll get past this.
"Em food!" I yelled loud enough to wake her.
"Emily!" I watched her shift in the bed.
"Not hungry…" She said not even bothering to sit up.
"There's cheesecake?" I offered, this kid has never once turned down cheesecake in her entire life.
…Nothing. No reply. No looking up.
"Emily I said get up and eat." I walked over and tapped her feet like dad used to do to us, she just pulled them away.
"Em! Get up."
"Dean I'm tired and want to go to bed. Just put it in the fridge." She mumbled rolling over on her stomach and turning her face away from me.
I turned to look at Sam, he shot me a challenging look while crossing his arms. It was pissing me off. He acted like I hadn't been paying attention… I've been paying attention… sort of. Okay maybe not… But I've been.. busy. And she needed some space. Sam keeps getting in my face the last couple weeks about her not eating… I thought he was exaggerating. Baiting me into going to push her to talk, but now its slowly sinking in that he wasn't lying. That's why she looked different in the van… she's lost weight. She's pale, even with the make up. I started to feel angry. Not at her… not at him… but at myself. Its bad enough I've lied to her. For the first time in my life… I lied to her. I promised it was all going to be okay that day before Dad left. Now he's dead… how can I face her after that alone… and then on top of it I know Dad's gone because of me. It doesn't take a genius. I'm miraculously healed and then minutes later Dad is dead and the colts gone? I'm sure I'm not the only one who put it together. She's smart… I figured that's why she's been avoiding me. She must hate me. She lost her father because of me.
The more the thoughts sank into my mind the angrier I got.
"Emily get up now." I said sternly. She didn't move.
"Emily! I said Get. Up." I reached up and yanked the blankets off of her. This caused her to open her eyes and sigh, but she didn't look at me. She slowly sat up and walked over to the table.
I raised my eyes at Sam as if to say "see, she's fine." But he just rolled his eyes in response.
We sat at the table and I watched Em the whole time… Sam was right. She doesn't eat. She picks and picks and moves her food around so it looks like she eats, but she only takes a bite every few minutes.
I watched her take two small bites of the cheesecake and then get up and throw it all away.
"Okay that's it…" I said after trying not to say anything.
"What?" Sam asked confused. Emily didn't even turn around. She just kept rinsing her hands in the sink.
"I'm not just going to stand here and watch you starve yourself! You need to snap out of it! Get mad! Get pissed! Hit me! Scream at me! Cry your eyes out! I don't care but this is bullshit! I mean when was the last time you actually sat down and ate a meal?!" I got up yelling at Em, she never even turned around.
"Dean please don't do this." She said monotone.
"You're not really giving me any other choice! I mean look at yourself in a mirror! This isn't working, this isn't moving on. I tried to give you some space, let you sort it out on your own but I'm done…" She walked away from the sink and turned to look at me.
"Okay… can I go to bed now?" was all she asked. It was like nothing I said even bothered her… like it didn't even register.
"No! No what the hell is wrong with you… you you.. you're not even you! Snap out of it!" I grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her, but she just stared at me.
"Dean… take it easy." Sam called from behind me.
"Okay. I'm sorry. Can I please go to bed." She whispered.
I stood up straight and stared back at her, looking for anything… any sign that told me she was angry, or upset, or that she was holding back. Instead I saw nothing. God what have I done…
"Yeah… yeah." I said backing away and rubbing the back of my head. She walked over to the bed and climbed in, no goodnight. No asking who's bed was who's. She just. Walked away from me.
I looked to Sam who looked even more concerned. I'm guessing he though our little show would get us somewhere, but I don't think any progress was made tonight.
The next morning Emily was awake and ready before My alarm went off. She sat on the couch and watched TV. Who knows how long shes been awake… I guess she's not really sleeping either. I can tell shes caked on makeup underneath her eyes today. Probably due to my little outburst last night.
I just wanna fix this… fix her. But for the first time in my life. I don't know how. Emily is broken and I can't put her back together.
(EMILY'S POV)
The carnival was small. One of those that just travels town to town. Pitching tent in an open field area. Dean's been watching me all morning, and even now walking up to the carnival he is right on my ass. I'm not sure why but I guess he decided to put his little cold shoulder routine off. Im not sure which is going to be worse, him avoiding me or him being on my ass.
"Check it out. Five-oh." Dean said pointing to the cops leaving the area.
Sam and I stood back as Dean went to get the information, while we were there a midget woman with a beard walked by and stopped to stare at Sam. He looked petrified. It was creepy as fuck to be fair.
"Did you get her number?" Dean joked walking back up to us as she walked away.
"More murders?" Was Sam's only reply.
"Two more last night. Apparently they were ripped to shreds. And they had a little boy with them."
"Who says it was a clown?" I asked quietly. Dean looked over and seemed shock that I spoke. I mean… I'm trying here dude. Quit staring at me.
"Yeah, a clown, who apparently vanished into thin air."
"Dean, you know, looking for a cursed object is like trying to find a needle in a stack of needles. They could be anything." Sam pointed out.
"Well, it's bound to give off EMF, so we'll just have to scan everything." Dean reasoned.
"Oh, good, that's nice and... inconspicuous." Sam rolled his eyes.
"I guess we'll just have to blend in." Dean said pointing to the "help wanted" sign hanging up behind him.
"Okay, lets go get jobs." Sam said sighing. They started to walk away but I stopped them.
"No ones going to believe a teenage girl ran away to the carnival… I'm more believable as the teenage girl who skipped school to go hang out on the ferris wheel. So text me when we have something." I turned to walk away.
"Oh I don't think so… there's about a hundred creeps hanging around a place like this. I don't want you out of my sight." Dean said stopping me, I turned back around and crossed my arms over my chest.
"Dean. You had no problem with me being out of your sight for the last 3 weeks… I have a gun. We both know I'm not afraid to use it. I'll be fine."
He looked at me like I punched him in the gut. But he didn't argue, so I turned and walked away.
(DEAN'S POV)
Ouch.
"Well Sam… you happy now?"
"What? Hey don't pin this back on me…"
"I told you she needed to be left alone, I told you she wanted space! Now you pushed me to get involved and its only making it worse! Don't you get it? She doesn't want anything to do with me… not after what I… not after everything. When I say lay off of something- LAY OFF!" I yelled at him before stalking off in the direction of a tent.
I wasn't really angry with him… I'm angry that I ignored this for so long and now its only made it worse, but unfortunately he was the closest punching bag. He didn't try to prolong the argument so I'm sure he knew what I was doing.
"Dean what is it you think you did exactly?" Sam asked when he caught up.
"Lets just go find Cooper."
"No man… you said the words, not me." He said moving to stand in front of me and stop me from going forward.
"Sam I'm not gonna have some chick flick moment with you right now. I gotta job to do." I pushed around past him.
(EMILY'S POV)
I handed a 50 to the guy running the ferris wheel, he nodded and let me on.
"I'll wave when I want down."
"Sure thing kid."
He got me settled in the seat and pushed the lever. I leaned back and looked at everything around, getting a birds eye view.
I wish I could get a birds eye view on my life right now… figure out where it all went wrong. Where I went wrong. I'm so fucked up right now. I'm hurting Sam. I'm hurting Dean. And I'm begging to feel guilty about it… but I can't.
I was probably sitting at the top of this damn thing for an hour when few kids came over and asked to ride, so now it was back to spinning, rode for a while, but when they got off others quickly got on. I waved down and the guy let me off.
I walked around until I noticed a tall guy wearing a red jacket, I smirked and walked over.
"Excuse me sir, I seem to have lost my sense of humor, can I borrow yours?" I said pushing a half smirk onto my face.
"Haha very funny." Sam said sarcastically.
"Find anything?"
"Nothing yet… I'm sweeping this side, Dean's sweeping everything past the 3 tents."
"Where do you need me?"
"Back in the game."
"Sam. Don't." I sighed.
"Emily come on… I get that you don't want to talk to me. I've been trying for weeks now. But I at least thought you'd talk to Dean. Kiddo… you're scaring me."
"Yeah well I'm scaring me too…" If you only knew. How numb I feel. How I desperately want to let you in… but there's nothing there to show.
"Come on… lets go scan the fun house." He said wrapping an arm around me. I wish it was as comforting now as I always found it before, but it just feels heavy. For Sam's sake I just leaned into him and walked forward.
Sam and I scanned the jumpy funhouse, we didn't find anything but Sam thought maybe the spirit could be attached to some remains, so he called Dean. We waited before he finally got to us.
"What took you so long?" Sam asked him.
"Long story. I-"
"Mommy, look at the clown!" A little girl near by said catching all of our attention… especially since none of us saw a clown.
"What clown?" Her mommy asked, she pointed between two trailers… there was nothing there.
"Come on, sweetie, come on." The mother said pulling her away.
"Well… I guess I know where we'll be tonight. Lets go before we lose them in the crowd" I said walking to follow the little girl and her parents.
(DEAN'S POV)
"Dean, I cannot believe you told Papazian about the homicidal phantom clown." Sam bitched at me.
"I told him an urban legend about a homicidal phantom clown. I never said it was real." I said cocking the gun and getting my things ready from the van. We were sitting outside the family's home waiting for this bastard to show up.
"Keep it down! She just fell asleep… god knows the last time she slept through the night." He scorned me as he turned to look at sleeping Emily in the back.
"Oh, and get this. I mentioned the Bunker Brother's Circus in '81 and their, uh, evil clown apocalypse? Guess what."
"What?"
"Before Mr. Cooper owned Cooper Carnival, he worked for Bunker Brothers. He was their lot manager."
"So you think whatever the spirit's attached to, Cooper just brought it with him?" he asked me.
"Something like that. I can't believe we keep talking about clowns."
"Hey.." He said smacking me in the chest.
"Looks like we got something… should I wake up Em?"
"No. Let her sleep… I think we can handle it." Besides that I'm not sure she's in the right frame of mind to even do the job right now… she's off.
Sam and I made it into the family's yard unnoticed, but once we busted through the door and came face to face with the little girl holding the hand of a clown things got noisy. She screamed and we fired, Sam took her to the side to protect her and I wrestled the bastard since our ammo had no effect on him. He jumped through the glass doorway and disappeared before our eyes. It wasn't even a half second later before her parents came down stairs and chased us out… We jumped in the van and hauled ass but I'm thinking we're better off walking once daylight hits.
(EMILY'S POV)
"I can't believe you idiots cost us our ride…" I groaned as we walked down the road back to the motel, carrying all our shit with us.
"Yeah well its not like you were a big help there sleeping beauty." Dean said with an attitude.
"Well maybe if you woke me up and let me help the job would be over be now asshole."
"Alright that's enough… both of you." Sam interrupted us.
"Well, one thing's for sure." Dean said.
"What's that?" Sam asked.
"We're not dealing with a spirit. I mean, that rock salt hit something solid."
"Yeah, a person? Or maybe a creature that can make itself invisible?"
"Yeah, and dresses up like a clown for kicks? Did it say anything in Dad's journal?"
"Nope." Sam said as he pulled out his phone.
"Who are you calling?" I asked.
"Maybe Ellen or that guy Ash'll know something. Hey, you think, uh, you think Dad and Ellen ever had a thing?"
"Ew." I quickly said.
"No way." Dean cut in.
"Then why didn't he tell us about her?"
"I don't know, maybe they had some sort of falling out." Dean reasoned.
"Yeah. You ever notice Dad had a falling out with just about everybody?"
Dean just nodded instead of replying.
"Well, don't get all maudlin on me, man." Sam said lowering the phone.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean this "strong silent" thing of yours, it's crap. And obviously you passed it on to our sister."
"Oh, god." Dean sighed.
"I'm over it. This isn't just anyone we're talking about, this is Dad. I know how you felt about the man Dean." Thank god his focus is on Dean and not me… cause I'm not in the mood to have this discussion again. Sam's pulled this on me a few times now. I slowed my pace and hung back some so that I wouldn't get dragged into it anymore than I already had been.
"You know what, back off, all right? Just because I'm not caring and sharing like you want me to."
"No, no, no, that's not what this is about, Dean. I don't care how you deal with this. But you have to deal with it, man. Listen, I'm your brother, all right? I just want to make sure you're okay."
"Dude, I'm okay. I'm okay, okay? I swear, the next person who asks me if I'm okay, I'm gonna start throwing punches. These are your issues, quit dumping them on me!"
"What are you talking about?"
"I just think it's really interesting, this sudden obedience you have to Dad. It's like, oh, what would Dad want me to do? Sam, you spent your entire life slugging it out with that man. I mean, hell, you, you picked a fight with him the last time you ever saw him. And now that he's dead, now you want to make it right? Well, I'm sorry Sam, but you can't, it's too little, too late."
"Dean!" I yelled. Implying that he had gone too far…
"Why are you saying this to me?" Sam asked.
"Because I want you to be honest with yourself about this. I'm dealing with Dad's death! Are you? I know she's not… but what about you huh? You keep pushing me… pushing her, but have you dealt with it?"
Sam looked heartbroken. I hated it. I even hoped I'd hate it so much I'd get upset… but instead I just stood there.
"I'm going to call Ellen." He said quietly before walking away, I caught up to where he left Dean standing.
"You're a real asshole today you know that?"
"Oh please… You don't even care enough to get angry at him. At least I'm doing something besides walking around like a damn zombie. I mean how long do you honestly plan on keeping this up huh?! Cause I'm getting real sick of this shit real fast." He snapped back at me.
Any other time his words would cut me like a knife. They were cruel. I wish I could get angry.
"Fuck off." I mumbled before walking away.
"Rakshasa." Sam announced coming back towards us, I kept my distance from Dean so he had to talk loud enough for us both to here.
"What's that?" Dean asked.
"Ellen's best guess. It's a race of ancient Hindu creatures. They appear in human form, they feed on human flesh, they can make themselves invisible, and they cannot enter a home without first being invited."
"So they dress up like clowns, and the children invite 'em in."
"Yeah."
"Why don't they just munch on the kids?" I asked.
"No idea. Not enough meat on the bones, maybe?"
"What else'd you find out?" Dean asked.
"Well, apparently, Rakshasas live in squalor. They sleep on a bed of dead insects."
"Well that's attractive…" I mused.
"Yeah, and they have to feed a few times every twenty or thirty years. Slow metabolism, I guess."
"Well, that makes sense. I mean, the Carnival today, the Bunker Brothers in '81." Dean put it together in his head.
"Right. Probably more before that." Sam agreed.
"Hey Sam, who do we know that worked both shows?"
"Cooper?" Sam guessed.
"Cooper." Dean confirmed.
"You know, that picture of his father, that looked just like him."
"You think maybe it was him?" Dean asked.
"Well, who knows how old he is?"
"Ellen say how to kill him?"
"Legend goes, a dagger made of pure brass."
"I think I know where to get one of those." Dean said more to himself then us.
"Well, before we go stabbing things into Cooper, we're going to want to make damn sure it's him." I reminded them.
"Oh, you're such a stickler for details, Em. All right, I'll round up the blade, you two go check if Cooper's got bedbugs."
"Lovely." I said sarcastically.
It took us a while to get back to the motel, but not long to hotwire a car and get back to the carnival, we split and me and Sam left for Cooper's trailer.
We had just gotten in and started cutting open the mattress when a voice form behind us spooked me and I jumped dropping the knife.
"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing!" We turned to see Cooper pointing a shotgun at us.
"Whoa man.. Its.. Its not what it looks like okay?" Sam said raising his hands, but Cooper proceeded to cock the gun anyways.
"Okay! Okay… we're leaving!" Sam said standing up and grabbing me by the arm, leading us both out with our backs against the wall, thankfully Cooper didn't follow. We took off running in Dean's general direction.
"Hey!" Sam yelled when we caught sight of him.
"Hey."
"So, Cooper thinks I'm a Peeping Tom, but it's not him."
"Yeah, so I gathered. It's the blind guy. He's here somewhere."
"Well, did you get the –" I started but was interrupted.
"The brass blades? No. No, it's just been one of those days." I rolled my eyes.
"I got an idea. Come on." Sam said taking off towards the fun house.
When we get inside I'm suddenly separated from them by a wall. What the hell!
"No! Emily!" Dean pounded against the moving wall but it wasn't going to budge.
"Sam!" I called out.
"Emily! Em, find the maze, okay?" Sam yelled back.
I took off and looked around for a way back to them, I could hear struggling. I followed the sound until I rounded a corner and found them.
"Hey! Where is it?" I yelled.
"I don't know, I mean, shouldn't we see its clothes walking around?" Dean asked as we all frantically look around us.
Suddenly a knife flies past Dean and pins his jacket to the wall, then another.
"Emily get down!" Sam called to me. He pulled off a pip and walked towards me but a knife flies at his face, thankfully missing him but only by inches.
"Dammit, where is he?" Sam asked.
"I don't know!" I yelled.
I look around and notice the steam pipes above Dean.
"Dean! Pull the lever!" I said pointing to them, he pulled it and the room fills with steam, I can vaguely make out the shape of a man behind Sam.
"Sam, behind you! Behind you!" I yelled.
Sam shoves the brass pipe backwards and it sticks in what looks like thin air, but quickly the creature became visible and fell to the floor in front of us. Dean removed the knives holding him against the wall and I slid down the floor and sat against the wall trying to catch my breath.
"I hate funhouses." I mumbled.
"Where you guys been? Been waitin' for ya." Ash called out as we walked back into the Roadhouse.
"We were working a job, Ash. Clowns?" Sam reminded him.
"Clowns? What the –"
"You got something for us, Ash?" Dean quickly cut him off. We pulls us over to sit down with him in front of what I'm guessing to be a homemade laptop… the thing has wires everywhere. You'd probably get electrocuted by sitting too damn close to it.
"Did you find the demon?" I asked.
"It's nowhere around. At least, nowhere I can find. But if this fugly bastard raises his head, I'll know. I mean, I'm on it like Divine on dog dookie."
"What do you mean?" Sam asked.
"I mean, any of those signs or omens appear, anywhere in the world, my rig'll go off. Like a fire alarm."
"Do you mind..." Dean asked as he reached for the laptop. Ash gave him a death glare. Dean quickly took the hint and pulled his hand back.
"Ash, where did you learn to do all this?" Sam asked surprised.
"M.I.T. Before I got bounced for... fighting."
"M.I.T.?" I asked shocked.
"Yeah babe, It's a school in Boston."
"Don't call me babe…" I said rolling my eyes and getting up to leave.
"Okay. Give us a call as soon as you know something?" Dean asked him.
"Si, si, compadre."
We piled back into a car we lifted earlier and headed back to Bobby's. I was relieved to get back to my room. Back to my hole. My cave. My jail…
I sat in that same damn windowsill just watching Dean work on Baby. As if when it was fixed I would be too… but I knew better than that. I'm not sure anything can fix me. I'm not sure I'm worth fixing anymore. Dean can't stand me… I'm burdening Sam and Bobby. My daddy is dead. I don't really have anything else in life besides those few people and the job- and I could barely do that.
Sam walked out to Dean, this pulled me out of my train of thoughts.
It was obvious they were arguing again… after a few minutes Sam walked away crying. I waited for Dean to go back under the hood, but instead I watched him pick up a crow bar.
He swung it over and over and over again. Destroying the trunk he had just reattached. I was jealous… This was Dean's breaking point. This is where he gets so low he has no choice to get back up again. Will I ever get that? Will I ever stop feeling like this? Is this my bottom? I mean how much more of this am I supposed to sit through… I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand being numb any longer. I had to stop it. I had to feel something. Feel anything. Anything at all. I had to get away…
I got up and showered, taking my time to make sure my make up covered the pale skin and bags under my eyes. I got dressed in denim shorts and my black Lynrd Skynrd tshirt, topping it all off with my boots. Then I waited until Dean came inside and went to bed before making my move. I climbed out the two story window and scaled down the lattice that once held vines. Once I was on the ground I took off running.
I knew the boys wouldn't come to check on me until morning, so once I was out of sight I slowed down, the closest bar was a few miles away.
When I walked in it was crowded. I hadn't even really noticed what day it was but It was obvious to me now it must be a Friday or a Saturday night. I looked and found an empty barstool down at the end. I quickly made my way to it.
"What'll it be kid?" an older scruffy man came over and asked me.
"Tequila. Double please."
"You got an ID?" He asked eyeing me. I pulled out the one that said I was a fresh 21. It was the more believable of the few I had stashed away.
He walked off and came back with a shot glass and a bottle.
"Looks like you'll be ordering more than one… saves me the walking." He said as he set it down and walked away.
I picked up the small glass in front of me and stared at it before pouring what felt like liquid fire down my throat.
I've only really drank a few times in my life. But I was always a happy drunk. Most people drink to forget how they feel, I'm hoping a drink will remind me what its like to feel happy again.
I took another… then another.
"Hi there." A voice from beside me charmed.
"Hi." I replied before looking away again and pouring another shot.
"You wanna share some of that?" The voice spoke to me again.
This time I sat and looked at him for longer than a half second. He was cute. He had these bright blue eyes, his smile was charming, and a head full of luscious dark hair a little longer than Sam's to top it all off.
"Dude I'm not a bartender, if you want a drink ask him." I said pointing at the older man at the other end of the bar.
"Well aren't you in a fabulous mood." He said to me coyly, obviously not taking the hint.
"Look. You're a good looking guy and you know it. Any other night I'd be down to have this conversation but I'm just really not in the mood. So please- go bug someone else." I said bluntly.
"So you think I'm good looking?" He asked with a smile and raised eyebrows.
"Is that seriously the only part of that you heard?" I scoffed.
"No. I heard that a pretty girl had a bad day, and I think I can make it better. Come on, at least let me try… what do you have to lose?" Nothing.
"Get your own glass." I muttered to him taking another shot.
"So do I get a name?" He asked me after the bartender walked away.
"Emily."
"Well Emily I'm Daniel.. or Danny." He reached out his hand, I looked at it for a moment before shaking it.
"So what's got a girl like you in here hogging a bottle of tequila?" He said taking a shot.
I laughed and bit my lip taking another shot. Things started to get a fuzzy, but it wasn't enough to bother me yet.
"You couldn't even begin to understand…" I said looking down at the glass in front of me.
"Okay. Well then tell me something about you. Something that I can understand."
I looked up to him curiously… what's this guy playing at?
"I think its too hot in here." I answered with a sarcastic smile.
"Yeah.. I'm thinking that's the tequila kicking in sweetheart." He laughed.
I nodded taking yet another shot.
"So are you going to tell me anything about yourself or are you going to avoid talking to me?" He asked.
"I don't do small talk." Which is honest. There's not much for me to talk about.
"Okay… well then lets cut to the chase. You're attractive. I'm attractive. Lets get outta here." He smiled at me.
I don't know if it was the alcohol… or my desperation but I downed another shot and bit my lip grinning back at him. Maybe this is it… a solid make out session.. first base, maybe even second? I mean I'm 16… my hormones are crazy they're bound to snap me out of it right?
I just… I wanna feel something… anything. I want to be something other than numb!
"Okay…" I said.
He came over and helped me stand since I was a little clumsy from the series of shots I just took. He walked me out the front door and opened the door for me as I climbed into his truck.
"Nice ride." I said as he got in and pulled us away from the bar.
"Thanks." He chuckled.
"Where do you wanna go?" He asked me.
"Someplace with air conditioning." I replied, feeling the heat in my blood from all the alcohol.
"Yes maam." He said, we drove for about 10 minutes before he pulled into a motel. A small sober part of me was telling me to leave… go back to Bobby's. But the drunk part of me was so desperate to feel again. So I ignored it.
He parked in front of a room and led me inside, I felt woozy when I stood. The alcohol was taking full effect.
"You good babe?" He asked me noticing me sway.
"Yeah. Yeah I'm fine… I just. I wanna lay down."
He pulled me over to the bed and laid me down on top of the stiff blanket.
He hovered above me and slowly went in for the kiss. I eagerly returned it. I ran my hand through his hair, grabbing on at the back of his head. He replied by leaning down and pushing his hand up my back, crushing me against him.
Parts of me were screaming to run, but the others were screaming to take it just a little further… just a little more.
He climbed all the way on the bed and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He broke the kiss and lifted my shirt up over my head, leaving me in my bra. He looked down at the healing scar…
"Damn baby… what happened to you?" He asked out of breath.
"Car accident." I mumbled, but he wouldn't stop looking at it. I felt ugly… I wanted his attention away from it so I quickly reached back and unhooked my bra, sliding it off the bed.
His eyes went back up to my chest and he grabbed them and leaned back down kissing along my neck and collarbone.
I knew where this was headed… but part of me didn't want to stop it. I wanted it. I was so drunk I'm not even sure I could say no at this point.
I reached over and pulled his shirt off of him, leaving us bare chested as we rubbed against each other, it made me feel alive. My body was stirring in a way I'd never felt before. It felt so good to feel something. It reminded me I wasn't dead… I wasn't hollow. So I reached down and began to undo the belt around his waist, he quickly kicked out of his jeans and reached down to undo mine, he pulled them off with ease and there I laid. Exposed, too far gone to stop. Not that I wanted to. Every nerve ending I had felt like a live wire, every heartbeat was faster and faster. I leaned up and crashed his lips to mine while he pushed forward.
Pain. Sharp forceful pain. But I didn't stop him… I didn't want to. For the first time in so long I felt so many things, I felt everything. So I welcomed him instead. My body moving with his.
I always playing with fire when it came to boys… I was always testing to see how far I could take it. I guess its true… when you play with fire you get burned.
My head was pounding… it was bright. Even with my eyes closed I felt like someone was trying to blind me. I turned away from the light source and slowly opened my eyes… as my vision adjusted I noticed the face laying next to me.
Oh my god… what did I do?
The memories from last night flooded my mind. I quickly went to climb out of the bed and away from the stranger laying next to me, but then I realized I was naked.
I took the sheet I was under and wrapped it around me frantically.
Once I was standing I looked around for my phone, it was on the floor in the middle of the room… then I looked for my clothes, but I couldn't find them in the mess we had left. I ran into the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I sunk down against the wall and dialed the number that first came to my mind.
"Hello…" the muffled voice groaned, obviously still asleep.
"….De." I barely squeaked out.
"Em?" He said suddenly more awake.
"De.. I fucked up…. Im so sorry." And there it was.
3 weeks of feeling nothing. The begging to feel something again… to hit bottom. Well here I am- and it fucking sucks.
I felt everything that I'd had shoved in the back of my mind. I felt the pain… the hurt… the anger… the guilt… I felt it all at once and it was so overwhelming that I dropped the phone and had to lean over and puke into the toilet.
I started to cry, the levee that I thought would never break again came crashing down, my god it hurt.
"Emily! Emily answer me!" I could barely hear the voice coming through the phone on the ground. I picked it back up and put it to my ear.
"Dean I-I-I'm so-r-r-ry.." I cried.
"Emily baby where are you…" He asked frantically.
"I don't know!... I was so stupid… Dean I'm sorry." I whispered into the phone.
"Emily you stay there… I'm having Sam trace your phone right now baby… you just stay there and I'm coming to get you okay?!"
I couldn't respond through the sobs.
"Emily! Kiddo come on! Talk to me…" he said panicking. The fear in his voice amplified the fear I felt.
"De.. I-I-I- I ca-a-an't. I me-e-e-esssssed I messed u-up." I sobbed into the phone.
"Its okay babygirl… I'll be there in just a few minutes okay.. you just lock the door and wait for me." He hung up the phone and I dropped it to the floor.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and that's when I noticed the blood… when I noticed the blood that's when I remembered the pain. It hurt even now.
They always talk about how great it is… but no one ever tells you how much it hurts. The thought just made me feel worse about what I'd done. I'd done this to myself… I was so stupid. So desperate. I was so disgusted with myself.
More vomit came up and I heaved repeatedly till I felt like my stomach was empty.
(DEAN'S POV)
"When did she even leave?" Sam asked me as I peeled out of Bobby's driveway and onto the black top.
"I don't know Sam! I just know she's gone!"
"Is she okay… was she hurt?" He asked me concerned.
"Dammit Sam I don't know! I don't know anything okay!"
"Okay… take a left up ahead."
"Where are we headed?" I asked, Sam had his laptop on with her gps locator going, he quickly typed in the address that we tracked it to.
"… Dean. She's at a motel?" He said confused.
"Which one?"
"Um, the Old Brim… Dean, was she alone?" He asked quietly.
"Don't. Don't even go there… just. Tell me where to turn and shut up!"
I couldn't bear the thought… what if someone took her. What did they do to her… I can't. I've fucked up so much lately… let her down in so many ways. I just. I have to get to her, now.
We pulled into the motel and jumped out of the car.
"What room Sam?!" I asked running towards the building.
"Uhh.. 202."
When we got to the room I started to bang on the door.
"Emily! Emily open up!"
"Whoa! Dude! What the hell is your problem?" asked the young guy who opened the door with no shirt on, I glanced at him, then to into the room. Emily's shoes were on the floor, I glanced up. Blood spots on the sheets... Everything inside me boiled red hot.
"You son of a bitch where is she!" I yelled shoving him inside and up against the wall!"
"Hey hey! Whoa dude look I didn't know she had a boyfriend! She never said anything at the bar!" He replied frantically.
"The bar?! You picked up my 16 year old kid sister in a fucking bar?!" I screamed slamming him against the wall again. His eyes suddenly went wide.
"16?! Dude she said she was 21! I swear man! I'm not a perv! I- I didn't know!" He stuttered. Terrified. I swung and punched him so hard he fell to the ground. Then I swung again, and again, and again. I didn't stop till Sam pulled me off.
"Leave! Now!" Sam yelled shoving him as he scrambled for the door.
"Emily! Emily!" I yelled looking around the room for her.
"Dean…" Sam said gesturing to the bathroom.
I ran over and shook the door handle, it was locked. Good girl.
"Emily open the door baby… open up its me." I said as softly as I could manage with fire still running in my veins. I could rip that guy apart right now.
There was no reply, I panicked.
"Sam move." I said backing up, I kicked the door in, breaking it free of the lock.
When it swung back open I saw her… my Emily. She was wrapped up in a sheet off the bed and was balled up crying into her knees. I walked forward and got down on my knees in front of her.
"Emily… kiddo?" I asked reaching out to grab her arm. She flinched and finally looked up.
Her eyes… I'd never seen them full of so much pain. I'd never seen her so broken before. I can't believe I let her fall this far… I'm so angry with myself. I could have stopped this. I could have helped her. She wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me.
"De… I'm so sorry… I fucked up." She said to me barely able to get the words past her lips.
"No. No.. shhh.. come here babygirl." I grabbed her and pulled her to me.
(EMILY'S POV)
I know he was going to hate me even more for what I did. But right now I needed him. I needed him to not hate me, just for a little while. He pulled me to him and I used one hand to hold the sheet around me, the other I reached back and pulled around his neck, getting a death grip onto his shirt.
"Shhhh. Its okay kiddo. Its okay." He whispered to me as I cried into him.
"Em… did he… did you two-" he couldn't even get the words out.
"Yes..." I whispered knowing what he was asking. "Its hurts De." I cried into his shoulder.
"I know babygirl… I know." His grip around me tightened and he leaned us back against the tub, pulling me into his lap like I was 5 years old again. I felt so vulnerable. My brothers are the only ones who I'd let see me like this, and even that was hard enough.
"Sam, go find her clothes." He said turning to look towards the doorway.
A few minutes later he came back.
"Dean I can't find anything but her shorts." He said as we walked in and crouched down next to us.
"Its okay, here baby sit up for a second." He leaned me forward and I looked up to Sam. He reached forward and pushed the falling hairs behind my ear. His stare full of pity and guilt. As if this somehow came back on him.
Dean pulled out of his long sleeve dark blue button up, leaving him in the black tshirt he had underneath, he took the shorts from Sam's hand and set the two down on the edge of the tub.
He reached up and used both hands to cup my face. "Okay kiddo… put these on and lets get out of here… okay?"
I slowly nodded my head up and down not breaking eye contact.
He stood up and helped me to my feet before he and Sam walked out of the bathroom. The door was broken and wouldn't shut so I waited for them to be away from the door before I dropped the sheet and carefully pulled on Dean's shirt, then pulled the shorts up by cold bare legs. I went to walk out of the bathroom and felt the soreness again. It was a painful reminder of how horrible of a person I was. I stepped out and looked to Dean who had my boots in his hand, he was staring at the bed that had ruffled sheets and small blood stains. I felt so ashamed. I looked over to Sam, he was looking at me. I walked over and wrapped my arms around him.
I knew Sam wouldn't be mad… he wouldn't hate me for what I did. He'd be disappointed, but he understood things like this more than Dean did.
"Lets get out of here." Dean mumbled leading us out to an old junker car. I quickly got in the backseat and pulled my knees up again. I felt exposed. I felt like I was still naked. We were almost back to Bobby's when the though of having to walk into his house and look him in the eye hit me… what would Bobby think of me? I felt like I could puke again.
"Can we just stop… please. For just a minute." I asked.
"Em you okay?" Sam instantly reached back and put a hand on my knee.
"We're almost back Em." Dean said reassuringly.
"Please… Dean. Just stop. Here." I begged tears forming again, he slowed the car and pulled it off to the shoulder.
"Talk to us kiddo." Dean asked after he parked and turned to look at me.
"I just… I just don't really feel like I can look at Bobby right now. Walk into his house after… after all this." I said softly staring out the window, swallowing the lump in my throat.
"Em he doesn't know anything." Sam tried to reassure me.
"No but I do… you two do. I'll be walking in half naked… it won't take him long to figure it out."
"Okay. We can sit here for a while." Dean said turning off the engine.
"… Do you want to talk about it?" Sam asked after a few seconds of silence.
Yeah. I do. I want to talk about it… but how do you talk to your brothers about this? But I don't have anyone else.
"Is it weird if I say yes?" I asked not looking either of them in the eye.
"No. Em, its not. It's a big deal… you need to talk to someone. I would rather it be us than anyone else." Dean quickly said.
I nodded before reaching forward and climbing over the seat, they made room for me to sit between them. I leaned against Sam and pushed my cold feet under Dean's leg, he put a hand on my knee.
"I just. I couldn't feel anything. I haven't felt anything for weeks… not since we left the hospital. It's like I was hollow. Like everything inside me died when daddy did." I whispered fiddling with my hands.
"I couldn't cry… I couldn't get angry. I couldn't do anything but sit there and watch everything around me happen. As if I wasn't really there. I wanted to be me again, I wanted to feel something again. I know it was bothering you… both of you. I was just making it harder on you, I was being selfish. And I hated myself for that. But I didn't know how to get past this… I just thought that. I don't know. People drink to forget how they feel, maybe drinking could remind me. So I waited until Dean went inside, and I went to the bar. Dean… I didn't. I didn't plan on leaving that bar with anyone. I swear." I said looking up to him, my voice cracking.
"I know kiddo, things happen…" he said rubbing his thumb across the top of my knee. Sam patiently and quietly kept me sat against his side, listening. Taking it all in like he used to. He's like a sponge. You could tell him anything and he would never react… he'd just soak it all up. Wait for me to finish and then tell me that he loved me and that we would figure it out.
"I just… I had too much to drink. And when he offered, I just. I was so desperate… I was so stupid. I didn't mean to let it get that far… but the farther we went the more I felt myself come back to life. I felt like a person again." I felt extremely self-conscious and moved to wrap my arms around myself. I leaned and laid my head against my knees. Dean moved his hand and started to stroke the hair behind my ear.
"It hurt… it still hurts. No one ever said it would be like that…" I mumbled.
Sam rubbed his hand on my back.
"It'll stop Em. Just give it some time." Dean cooed.
"I'm so sorry De. I know you hate me right now… but please. I- I didn't mean to…" I said starting to cry again.
"Emily I don't hate you. Why would you ever think that?" Dean asked pulling my face up to look at him.
"De you went days at a time without even looking at me. You've never treated me like that… I didn't know what I did, I just knew you wanted nothing to do with me anymore. But then I couldn't even be upset about it. I just took it for what it was. Figured I'd learn to live with it."
Dean's eyes watered.
"Emily. I am so sorry… I thought. I thought you were mad at me… I lied to you. I told you it would be okay that day, I promised you. And I lied. I just. I couldn't bear to face you after that. I made it a point my entire life to never lie to you. Babygirl this isn't your fault… none of this. I should have been there. I should've made sure you were never in that bar, in that motel room… Kiddo I let you down, over and over again. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that… through this. I never in a million years wanted it to go down like that. You deserve more. I am so sorry." He pulled me into his arms again and I let out everything I'd been holding back. I fell apart, because I finally could- and I could do so knowing that Dean would put me back together.
We sat there for a few minutes and then I finally pulled away, sitting up and wiping my face. I turned and sat back under Sam's long arm, pulling it across me and wrapping both my arms around it. I felt safe. I felt comfortable. I finally felt like things would be okay.
"Em… I uh.. I hate to ask this. But… did you at least use protection?" Sam asked. I looked down instantly… trying to remember.
"Honestly I was too drunk to even remember…" I mumbled.
I could hear Sam blow a puff of air out of his mouth and take a deep breath.
"I'm so sorry Sammy. I didn't mean to…" I said looking up to him.
"I know kiddo… its okay, we'll figure it out. No matter what happens okay?"
"Yeah…." I mumbled. The thought of being knocked up suddenly rushing through my head. God please. Don't let this mistake get any worse.
"Alright Em, we gonna sit here all day or you wanna go back to Bobby's and I'll make you some breakfast?" Dean asked trying to put on a smile.
"…Scrambled eggs and ketchup?" I asked with eyebrows raised. He chuckled.