—The Cheater—
It was nearly five in the morning when Andy watched Lu put on her clothes. After they had had sex earlier that night they had fallen asleep next to each other- legs tangled together-, before both waking up very early. It had only taken a few short whispered sentences to decide it was better for Lu to go home and for them both to go back to what they had been doing: pretending none of it even happened.
Lu stumbled with putting her shoes on as Andy opened the door into the hallway. The oversized shirt she had slept in was hanging of her shoulder on one side, her hair a mess. Lu didn't look much better although she was fully clothed.
As Andy guided Lu to the front door in the dark, she could see light coming from the dining room and she could feel her stomach drop. She wasn't sure if they had left the light on earlier when she pulled Milo into their bedroom; but the thought that he might be up, that he might know what they had been doing, that she was going to have to explain what had been going on with her that she was now doing these things with Lu…
Andy opened the door for Lu and the latter woman turned back around, half expecting a kiss. Andy simply looked at her, and that seemed to do the trick.
She could hear the door shut behind her as she turned around and leaned against it for a second, summoning up the courage. Gingerly, she took a few steps towards the dining room with half a mind to just go back into their bedroom. But she couldn't do it. If Milo was up, and he knew, if he was up and sitting in the dining room, and she went into their bedroom like nothing had happened?
It would make things so much worse. She took a deep breath and then walked into the room, firm footsteps on the hardwood floors, her mind expecting Milo to sit there but still surprised that he was in fact there, flipping through the book he had been reading when she came home.
This wasn't a situation of turning off the light with the relief that there was a possibility that he didn't know, this was a situation of Milo sitting there with a tensed jaw refusing to look at her. The coldness Milo had when he was mad at her still surprised her every time, and right now it felt like the whole room was freezing.
She took a few steps towards him, the dining table still between them. ''Milo?'' She wanted to go over to him and take him in her arms, hold him and tell him that she was sorry and that she wouldn't let it happen again. But they'd both know it was a lie. She was sorry. She was sorry that she had hurt Milo with her actions, but she wasn't sorry she had slept with Lu. And she could swear up and down she wouldn't let it happen again but it was a coin toss whether she actually would.
She watched him closely, but he didn't move an inch. ''Talk to me.''
He snapped his book shut, took his glasses off in one fell swoop and looked at her. ''And say what?'' He asked her. ''Tell you what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night with the other side of your bed empty? With the sound of your girlfriend's…'' he looked for the right word for a moment, ''lover,'' he could see Andy cringe ever so slightly, ''moaning her name drifting through the wall. Do you want to know what that feels like?''
She gripped the backrest of the chair in front of her, ''Milo…'' she was looking for the right words to say but nothing came to her. ''I don't know what to say.''
''Well that makes two of us.''
''I didn't plan on that happening,'' she told him. It was the truth. Not the whole truth.
''That doesn't change what happened,'' Milo said. He paused for a second, ''so what happened?''
Andy, who had been looking down, snapped her head up. ''Excuse me?''
''What happened? You said you didn't plan on that happening; did she lure you from our bedroom? Did I sleep through her seducing you?'' He looked at her with raised eyebrows, daring her to tell him the truth. When she didn't reply he scoffed. ''You went to her. You knew what you were doing and you did it anyway. You cheated on me in my own house.''
Andy could feel her cheeks getting red, ''you pushed me to sleep with her. You told me to touch her, dared me to go down on her.''
''In my bed,'' Milo said, raising his voice ever so slightly. ''In my bedroom, with my consent. I never told you to go behind my back and cheat on me. That was never the plan.''
''Then what was the plan?'' Andy asked angrily. She had felt Milo was up to something but for most of the night he seemed to be mostly just playing it by ear.
He sunk down in his chair a bit, not sure how to bring it. He took a moment to gather his thoughts before speaking slowly. ''I thought that if I let you do whatever it is you wanted to do, with her… then you'd get it out of your system. You'd realize that she isn't what you really wanted.''
Andy took a deep breath. ''Milo…''
''I lost Tookie because she fell in love with another woman. I can't lose you too,'' Milo said. ''And I figured that if I let you sleep with her then afterwards everything would return to normal.''
She walked over to him, tried to take his hand into her own but he wouldn't let her. ''Milo, you won't lose me. I don't know what I am doing, but I know that I love you and it's you that I want to be with.''
He pushed her away as he got up, ''it's too late.''
Andy followed him to the bedroom, ''what do you mean it's too late?'' She asked as he halted in the doorway. As she was asking it she could feel her legs go cold, her feet becoming numb for a second. She saw his face and knew exactly what it meant. There was a ringing in her ears which prevented her from hearing the words he was actually saying, but she could see his lips move and knew what they were saying.
She could feel tears come to her eyes, and could see them in his eyes too. She opened her mouth to speak but no sound came out, not that she knew what to say. She knew that he was about to close the door and wouldn't open it for her again.
She tried to take a full breath but it was like the apartment had suddenly been depleted of oxygen. ''I'm sorry.'' The words had barely left her lips when the door shut.
''I already referred her,'' Nick said as he handed Andy the patient file.
Andy could barely keep her head in the game, but with her daughters in California and her boyfriend- no, wait, ex-boyfriend- not talking to her, there was only so much she could do except for work. She took the file, a quick glance at the name. ''To who?'' She asked.
''Your lesbian lover,'' Nick said and she could see a slight grin on his face. He'd always been one for slightly inappropriate jokes, and after they had spent Christmas together a few years earlier and he felt more comfortable with her, he had only taken it farther and farther. She just looked at him, wanting to slap the grin of his face. ''Oh come on,'' he said, ''you know who is talking.''
Andy could feel tears burn in her eyes and she knew that if she said anything her voice would break. She shook her head at him and turned to walk away. He grabbed her by the arm and half-dragged her into an exam room. ''Dr. Campbell?''
She took a deep breath, pushing her feelings back. One of the many benefits of her years in the military had been that she had firm control over her emotions. ''Yes?'' She asked.
''I'm sorry I said that.'' It didn't come out all that convincingly. He had made the same joke- and worse ones- plenty of times over the past six months, and she had never taken it particularly serious. He had never gotten more than eye-rolling from either Andy or Lu, and though he was sorry if he hurt her feelings he couldn't understand what was different now.
''It's fine.''
''You don't look like-''
''Nick.'' She cut him off, and realized that was the first time she had ever called him by his first name. ''It is what it is. I don't want to talk to you about this.''
He nodded, ''okay. But if you ever want to talk…''
She just gave him a slight nod as she walked away. Breaking up was difficult enough without a hospital full of overly involved colleagues. As she walked into the clinic she nearly bumped into Lu, Andy didn't even look at her, just muttered a short apology.
It wasn't until she was behind her desk that she realized Lu had followed her into her office. They exchanged looks for a few seconds, ''can I help you with something?'' Andy asked, hanging up her coat.
''After what happened last night you have nothing to say?'' Lu asked, watching Andy sit down.
''What do you want me to say?'' Andy asked, straightening some papers on her desk. '''I wish you hadn't come over'.'' She said, speaking her truth.
Lu took a step backwards, ''don't twist this around.''
''I'm not,'' Andy said. ''I made the first move, I came on to you, I kissed you first, it was all my doing and I wish you had not come over.'' She buried her face in her hands for a second, before pushing her hair away from her face and looking back at Lu.
Lu could see the sadness in her eyes. ''What'd Milo say? Does he know?'' She asked, sitting down as well.
''He does,'' Andy said, not wanting to say the next part out loud. ''We broke up.''
Lu closed her eyes for a second before getting up and putting her arms around Andy. ''I'm so sorry.''
Andy bit her lip. She wasn't going to push Lu away but the last thing she felt like doing was lean into it like she used to. ''It was to be expected,'' she said, putting on a brave face. ''I cheated on him.'' It was a big realization for her. She had never thought of herself as a cheater, and even when she was with Lu she didn't entirely think of it as cheating.
It had been messing with Milo. At first. 6 months ago. She had figured he had told her his fantasies for a reason; she might as well do something with it. Messing with him to see how far she could take it, whilst never intending to cross the line. Even last night, sure; technically she had slept with someone else. But not an hour before he had tried to push her into it.
They had always had an open line of communication, especially about the sexual part of their relationship. She hadn't tried to hide this from him. This wasn't going behind his back and fucking someone else and then going home, smiling at him and lying. He knew what was happening, he hadn't stopped her. It wasn't until she looked back on what she had done, from his point of view, and realized that she had cheated. She was a cheater.
She remembered getting called a Ms Goody-two-shoes by Lu, and hadn't been embarrassed by it. All her life she had done what was expected of her. She had married the smart, blonde-haired blue-eyed good-looking guy, had the two children, had the white picket fence, and had a respectable job. She had done exactly what her parents- her father especially- had expected from her. She had internalized the expectations, had turned his dreams into her own.
But now? Her parents had already been a bit iffy about her dating a black man. What were they gonna say when they found out they broke up because she had cheated on him with another woman? Why did she sleep with another woman anyway? She had never before been attracted to any of them. She didn't particularly have a type when it came to men, but she'd still had always just been into men.
She could feel Lu break away and watched her sit back down.
Lu tried to think of the right words to say, knowing how Andy felt about Milo there were no words that would make this easier. ''I know how much-''
Andy cut her off. ''Have you ever dated a woman?'' She asked, her demeanor calmer than she had expected it to be.
Lu shook her head, ''no.'' She hadn't even had the wild crazy days one was supposed to have in college. She had Marc to come home instead of a party thrown by shitty roommates whose priorities were partying over studying. ''Have you?''
''No.'' The question she had posed last night was still floating around in Andy's head. What were they doing? They weren't dating, Lu was in a long-term relationship with Jonas and as far as Andy knew she had no intention of ending that. But from the way Lu spoke it certainly seemed that she had feelings for her. And, truth be told, Andy wasn't even sure how she felt about her partner.
She loved her, of course. They had been working together for years and had shared a close friendship. There hadn't been many people in her life that she had trusted as much as she trusted Lu, but she wasn't certain that she was in love with her, and when she had been in love before there was never any doubt about it. It was more that in the right setting there suddenly seemed to be some sort of lust that just overtook her. She couldn't explain it.
It was love, but it wasn't love-love. It was not being able to get enough of each other when they were in the moment, it was kissing like the French, hands everywhere, it was having hold-me-up-'cause-my-legs-are-about-to-give-out kind of orgasms. But it wasn't worth ending her relationship with Milo over.
Only she didn't realize that until it was too late.
The blood seemed like it had soaked through the thin yellow ponchos the ER provided, staining her skin. It was in her hair and if it hadn't been for reflexes it would've gotten in her eyes.
Lu was signing discharge papers for one of her patients when she saw Andy head for the showers, looking a mess. She hesitated for a bit, knowing the break-up was still raw and not wanting Andy to think she was just using her for sex. Still, she went in after her.
It was easy as it had always been between them. When it came to moments like this where neither of them seemed to be thinking straight- no pun intended- things just came naturally. Lu had no trouble convincing Andy to let her in the shower stall, any observer with half a brain could tell you there wasn't any convincing necessary.
Andy had tears in her eyes and Lu wasn't sure what was causing them; losing a long-term patient so brutally, not having Milo to lean on during moments like these, feeling like her life was falling apart, trying to figure out who she even was at all, or all of the above mixed with pure exhaustion. It was all too much.
Lu tried to get eye-contact to ask for consent, but when Andy started taking her scrubs off it was all she needed to know. She helped her get out of them, and after getting no resistance whatsoever helped her take her underwear off too. She started the shower, pushed Andy under the stream. She worked up a lather using the small bars of soap for body and hair provided by the hospital- how thoughtful of them.
All this time it had been about lust. Sure, their kisses were passionate, but not in a loving kind of way. It was getting down to business, getting each other off and not much more than that. But now? Sure, her hands wandered and most of the 20 minutes in the shower were spent touching each other, but washing her during a difficult moment wasn't lust.
It had been about providing comfort. In this case that included bringing her partner to orgasm, but it was more about trying just about anything to make her feel better than actually having sex. It was feeling Andy relax under her touch and knowing that she had done what she could. Their hands were roaming around and there were kisses, and neither of them knew what this meant for their relationship.
Not a word was spoken for them, and after leaving the locker-room they each went their separate ways without a spoken goodbye. The ending of Milo and Andy's relationship had changed everything, they both knew it, but neither of them knew what it actually meant for the two of them.
The next seven months were a blur for Andy. It was working long hours and coming home just in time to tuck her daughters in. It was random kisses from Lu after bad days. It was watching Lu go home to Jonas. It was PTA meetings, hours-long surgeries, and was watching Lu and Milo hate each other before slowly becoming friends.
It was having sex with Lu in one of the locker-room showers a few more times. It was comments from Lana about the strangeness of their relationship, without knowing all that much about it. It was thinking about dating women but never actually wanting to. It was making out with Milo after getting drunk at the annual bachelor auction. It was making plans for an innocent girls-night sleepover at Lu's house even though they both knew it wasn't innocent. It was fighting with Jesse about moving to California to live with her father.
It was having sex with Lu in her own bed when the girls were in California for half the summer. It was staring at Milo when he wasn't looking at her. It was going on random dates and not clicking with anyone. It was going out to a bar with Lu and pretending to be a couple when she got hit on by some random guy, only to continue 'pretending' after he left.
It was growing progressively more sexually frustrated and never finding enough relief for it. It was watching Lu and Milo joke with each other like friends at Lana's desk and wishing she could have that with him again. It was awkward eye-contact with Jonas when he came to pick Lu up. It was helping out with Wednesday night clinic and spending hours talking with Lu in the middle of the night.
It was having sex with Lu in the guestroom of her house when Jonas was on a business trip. It was falling asleep next to Lu and dreaming about Milo. It was crude jokes from Nick and unrequested tidbits of wisdom from Peter.
It was storming into Milo's office after getting word that he'd gotten engaged to be married.