Author's note: Hey guys! Sorry it took so long to get this to you, especially with it being a shorter chapter… I will admit I had a really hard time writing it, especially the second half or so. I would begin to write and try to put myself in Emily's shoes and I would get this odd heavy feeling in my gut, so I tried to space my time out between writing and something I truly enjoyed- in this case it was OTH on Netflix and cuddling my dog. I really tried to make this chapter the best I could and expose Emily's grieving process fully, but I'm not sure if I'm happy with how it all turned out. I'd love to get some feedback on it, and to know if you guys would like it to proceed like this or if it was too much? There are some big things happening in the next chapter, the tides will definitely turn with the inevitable Sam disappearing act, but I want to make sure you guys get what you need out of the story as well, I feel like when you love a character and they die you have to grieve them or you're left feeling cheated (cough cough MCDREAMY! #ShondaRimesRuinsLives). I love you all so much, thank you so much for standing by me, and a special thanks to Ladysunshine6, ImBookObsessed, and Tabby793 for being supportive and letting me bounce thoughts/concerns off of you. The encouragement you ladies bring me is immeasurable. Another special thank you to those of you who I can always rely on to review and let me know I'm keeping you happy! Reviews are honestly the most motivating part of writing. Please know I am always open to PM with any of my readers and I'm always open to ideas. And I'm always open to talk if anyone needs someone. AKF. YANA. IAE. LYF.

Sorry for the long note, I'll let you get to the actual chapter now! Please read and REVIEW! I really want to know if this is the right way to go.

"Emily." Judson whispered. "Baby we have to leave."

His hand stroked against the side of my face, pulling the now blood matted hair back and trying to pin it behind my ear. The dried blood however made it all clump together, and it just continued to fall back against my face.

"Emily please." Judson asked again, after I ignored his first attempt.

"We can't." I said. My voice hoarse, my throat tight and sore.

"Baby please we have to go, there's more coming."

"I don't care."

I blinked away the water that blurred my vision.

I can't leave… we can't leave.

If we leave, then… then this isn't just another dream.

If his body leaves this house, then there's no chance I can wake up from all of it. I'll be stuck in this nightmare forever. And I can't live a life like this… I can't.

"Darlin. He's right, we can take Dean back home, okay?" Bobby said squatting next to me. I looked up to Sam, who was reluctant but nodded in agreement with Bobby.

"No, Sammy. Please… we have to wake up. Its not real we just have to wake up!" I cried, clutching onto Dean tattered shirt. Sam only looked away from me and began to cry again himself.

"Emily, this is real. I'm so sorry sweetheart. But you're not going to wake up this time." Judson explained to me with a soft voice, as if he knew the words he spoke were slowly shattering what little bit of me was still being held together.

"Please…" I whimpered. "I just want to wake up."

"I know Em, but Dean's gone… we have to get him and us out of here, okay?" Judson said as he scooped me up off the floor, holding me bridal style. I wrapped my arms around his neck and just cried as he carried me out of the room, I looked up to see Sam and Bobby lifting Dean's body, carrying him behind us.

"This wasn't supposed to happen." I cried into Judson's neck as he carried me down the hall.

"Just hold on Em, we're gonna get out of here, okay?"

"We should never have come here… he always dies here."

"Shhh, it's gonna be okay." He cooed as we made our way to the front door. When he opened it he suddenly stopped. I looked up to see why….

There were dozens of Demons. Standing in the yard. In the street. Standing everywhere in sight that the sprinklers didn't touch. Judson took two slow steps out onto the porch. Black eyes watched, but none of them moved. Knowing that we had to pass the sprinklers to get to the cars, and that there they could catch us.

"Bobby, we have a problem." Judson swallowed. Sam and Dean carefully set Dean down and stepped beside Judson and I.

"What the hell?" Bobby said shocked.

"Where did they all come from?" Sam asked.

"Lilith." I whispered. I moved my legs and motioned for Judson to set me down. He did, but kept his arm around my waist. I looked at the Demon standing at the edge of the drive way. His eyes pitch black. His smile taunting.

This was all their fault… Demons.

"You killed him!" I screamed! None of them moved. I pulled from Judson and walked down the steps.

"All of you! You kidnapped me and Sam, you turned Jake against us… you made the deal with my brother… you sent hell hounds after him! This is YOUR fault!" I screamed as I walked through the sprinklers. The demon at the end of the drive way readied himself for a fight, as I was almost out of the path of the sprinklers. So I waited… letting him think he had a chance.

"You BASTARDS!"

As I stepped away from the cover of the sprinklers my arm reached out and with it was a hazy red line, it immediately circled the demon that stood before me. I lifted, and so did his entire body. Slowly inch by inch leaving the ground. Then I twisted my hand slowly into a fist. He screamed… begging for mercy. Begging for the pain to stop.

The demons around us one at a time began to evacuate their vessels. But I didn't stop.

I squeezed, watching the blood pour from his eyes, his ears, and his mouth… until finally he stopped moving at all. I dropped my fist and with it his body fell to the concrete. The red smoke disappeared and everyone around us lay on the ground. Footsteps behind me grew louder. Closer.

"Emily… let's go. Okay?" Judson asked as he slowly put his hand on the small of my back. I stared down at the demon with hate. Malice… a craving for revenge.

I let Judson pull me towards baby and his truck, Sam and Bobby behind us with Dean. Judson led me to his truck but I pulled away.

"I want to ride with Dean."

"Okay… I'll follow."

Sam and Bobby laid Dean down across the backseat. I got in, letting his head rest in my lap. Mindlessly I ran my fingers through his short hair. Sam turned towards me, Bobby sat in the driver's seat and pulled out onto the road. I looked up to Sam, neither of us knew what to say… neither of us knew what would come next. So we sat in silence.

I remember how numb I felt when my daddy died… I wish I could feel so numb.

I wish I couldn't feel any of it at all.

Every time I blink and my eyes open again and fall on his cold face my heart bursts and falls into pieces in my gut all over again. So eventually I just closed my eyes… convincing myself it will hurt less if I didn't look.

"When we get home, I'll get things ready." Bobby mumbled.

"No." Sam said quickly. "We can't do that."

"Sam, we can't leave his body open for possession."

"I said no Bobby… we're not burning him."

The words hit my ears and all of a sudden I got the urge to puke. I swallowed it down, listening to Sam and Bobby bicker back and forth about what to do with Dean's body. I bent over, leaning my forehead against his.

Exhaustion.

Pain… so much pain.

It made me dizzy.

"Please pull over…" I mumbled, but they didn't hear me.

"Please!" I said a little louder. "Stop… pull over."

Bobby pulled the car to a stop. I popped open the door and crawled out, emptying what little was in my stomach. Heaving over and over again. Sam was at my side in seconds, holding my hair away from my face.

Once I finished I sat up and leaned against Baby. Sam and Bobby went back to discussing what to do with Dean's body… I covered my ears and rocked back and forth.

I can't listen to it anymore.

I can't burn him… I can't bury him…

I can't lose him. I just need him to wake up… please just WAKE UP!

"Emily." Judson called pulling my hands away from my ears. "Emily talk to me…"

"He wants to burn him… I-I-I can't! Not like Daddy… I-we. We can't do this, please!"

"Okay, okay… take a breath. I'll go talk to them. Okay?"

I nodded and tried to pull myself together… I scooted over and leaned against the open door. Looking up at Dean as he laid still in the backseat. I'd give anything for him to sit up, and tell me things were going to be okay.

But he didn't move… his eyes didn't open.

"Why did you leave me De?" I whispered, reaching up to hold his cold hand. "You were supposed to stay… You said you'd never leave me."

"Em, why don't you ride with me for a while, okay? Let Bobby and Sam finish their discussion on the way back. Okay?" Judson offered coming back.

"I don't wanna leave him."

"We're only a couple hours from home babe, I promise. They'll be right behind us, okay?"

"Judson… why did this happen to us?" I asked finally looking up to him.

"I don't know sweetheart. C'mon… let's get off the road okay?"

"I'm gonna go tell Sam."

"He knows, he said he'll meet us back at Bobby's."

"Okay." I sighed. I leaned into the backseat and kissed Dean on the forehead, then I reluctantly followed Judson back to his truck.

"Maybe you should try and get some sleep." He suggested a he pulled out onto the road. I watched out the back glass as the impala got smaller and smaller in my view, until it wasn't there at all.

"I can't. I feel like I'm just… moving. Like I'm here but I'm not really here… My body. Its just going through the motions."

"I know hun, its gonna get better."

"No its not… I feel like I died in that room too."

"No baby, look at me. YOU are still here! Dean dedicated his life to you and Sam so you could live! Don't waste that…"

"I just feel like I'm literally falling apart! Like I-I can't a grip on anything… I can't get my feet on the ground! Everything hurts…"

"Em you've been up for over a day… you're body is exhausted. Just. Lay down and try to rest, okay?"

I laid down on the seat… my head in Judson's lap as he drove quietly. He gently rubbed his fingertips up and down my back. I always found comfort in Judson, I always felt safe and happy. But even now, with his hands on me… I just want to crawl away.

I just want to be with Dean.

…

"Dean! Where did you put my bag?" I called out to him. I dug through the motel room, but couldn't seem to find my bag.

"In the closet kiddo." He called back. I jumped up and ran to the closet, opening it and finding my bag. I smiled as I pulled out the black bikini and slipped it on in the bathroom. I grabbed my white flip flops and one of Dean's old cut off shirts as a cover up.

"Okay! Ready!" I chimed as I walked out into the kitchen area, Sam and Dean were both waiting and ready for me. I looked Dean up and down and laughed.

"What?!" He asked me.

"You are so white it's not even funny!"

Sam snickered as Dean looked in the mirror at his pale body. His dark swim trunks didn't do much to help the situation either. He had sunglasses and a solid white sunscreen covered nose to top off the 'pale as fuck tourist' look.

"Oh shut up… lets go!" Dean groaned walking towards the door. Sam and I laughed at his aggravation and followed him out of the condo and down the stairs to the beach. It was warm, and the breeze carried the smell of the ocean through the air… it was everything I ever thought it would be. And I was here with Sam and Dean. What more could I ask for?

Sam and I laid out towels and moved to take off my shirt.

"Whoa whoa whoa! Put that back on!" Dean said stepping over me and blocking out my sun.

"De… it's a bathing suit. Not lingerie. Chill."

"I don't care what the tag says it is! Its too revealing, put the shirt back on."

"Dean!" I laughed. "We're at the beach! Take a look around… everyone here is wearing just as much if not less then what I am. Go flirt with those girls and get out of my sun." I said pushing his leg with my foot.

He scoffed until his eyes floated to the row of women down the beach from us… he was about to open his mouth and scold me some more but one of them caught his eye. He winked at me and put his sunglasses back on before trotting over to them.

"Think we should have told him that he still had sunscreen on his face?" Sam asked.

"Nahhhh."

We both laughed. I let the sun kiss my skin, warming me inside and out. I was totally relaxed and at ease… until water was dumped onto my body.

I jumped up and gasped. Dean stood above me but a bucket and a devious grin.

"Oh you are so dead!" I jumped up running after him through the sand, he dodged me and went for the water. I followed him in and jumped on his back. Knocking us both down into the water.

"Sammy! Help!" I called and giggled as Dean threw me over his shoulder and dumped me into the ocean again.

Sam ran into the water, and pulled me up, holding me above the water.

"Dean, I think you lost this." He laughed as he threw me through the air towards Dean, who purposely let me fall into the water again.

"Oops!" He laughed.

"Oh I'm so getting you two for that!" I said as I splashed water at them.

I pushed forward, splashing them as they tried to flee. But suddenly the white and blue water took an odd color tint… then it faded into red. I stopped splashing and looked up to my brothers in confusion.

"Dean…" I mumbled. His skin began to rip apart along his torso.

"Dean! NO!"

I jumped and felt myself tangled in something, in the midst of my thrashing I fell onto something hard. I tried to focus my vision in the dark, and as I looked around I recognized the window with faint moonlight shining through it.

I slowly untangled myself from the blankets, and scooted across the hardwood floor until my back sat against the wall. I caught my breath, realizing I was in my room at Bobby's.

"It was a dream…" I whispered. Realizing that I was back in the real nightmare. That the big death scene has already been played out…. And now I was living in the limbo of the aftermath. Not sure what's up and what's down. Waiting for it to all to hit me again.

I picked myself up off the floor and looked at the clock. 4am. I went to run my hands through my hair, but found it to still be knotted and matted. My hands still had spots of dried blood, my outer clothes had been stripped, but my tank top still had stains as well.

My stomach turned.

I immediately went to the bathroom and turned the water as hot as it would go, sinking down to the bottom of the tub. I watched as the water went from clear… to red… and then back to clear. All traces of Dean's death leaving my body.

There were knocks on the door, but I didn't answer.

"Em?" Judson's voice carried through the room as he pushed the door open, shutting it behind him. I sat under the flow of the water, my knees to my chest, covering the majority of my body. He slowly pulled open the curtain, then let it close again.

"When did you get up?" He asked softly.

"I don't know… I've been in here for a while." I said noting the water wasn't as warm as it first was.

"Are you ready to get out?"

"… I don't know." I sighed leaning my head against the tile. "Where is he?"

"Who babe?"

"Dean."

"Why don't you come downstairs, we'll explain everything together okay?"

There was something in the tone of his voice, something he didn't want to tell me. Something he was avoiding.

"…Sure." I said. Not wanting to give away my insight.

I stood and pulled the towel off the rack, wrapping it around my body. Then I pulled the curtain and stepped out, twisting my hair in my fingers. I looked up at Judson who was leaning against the wall. I could tell by the look on his face whatever he didn't want to tell was going to be difficult.

"I'll be down in a few minutes." I said, readjusting my towel.

"Okay." He half smiled, reaching up to kiss me, but I turned my face, letting him kiss my cheek instead. He sighed slightly, just enough for me to barely catch it.

He left the room and I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My skin was pale and dull. My eyes red and puffy. I looked away and ran my hands through the tangles in my hair, letting it cover part of my face. Then I dressed and began to walk down the stairs, once towards the bottom I could see the kitchen light on. Bobby, Sam and Judson all sat around the table. The sun had began to rise and shined through the window behind Sam's head.

Sam looked exhausted. His eyes puffy and red like mine… I could tell he hadn't slept, honestly I don't know how long I did sleep. Time hasn't had much meaning since that horrid clock in that horrid house struck midnight.

Time didn't matter anymore.

For the last year I'd counted every fucking second.

But now… none of it matters.

"How long have I been out?" I asked as I sat down across from Sam, keeping my eyes on him.

"About a day or so." Bobby said off to my left.

"So… where is Dean?"

"Emily, I. I want you to know that Dean and I talked about some things before he…." Sam started.

"Died." I finished stiffly for him.

"Yeah. Before he died." Sam sighed, I could see his emotions pushing to the surface, but he fought against them. "He uh, he knew how hard it was for you to say goodbye to Dad, and he made me promise that when we put him to rest you wouldn't be there."

"What?!"

"He didn't want you there Em. He didn't want you to see it."

My eyes stung and my throat clenched, I twisted my hands in my lap as I pulled my gaze to the table.

"So.. you're telling me, that you burned his body without me?" I whispered.

"No." Bobby said, I turned to look at him. "Sam insisted we bury him."

"Where is he?" I asked again.

"About a mile into the forest there was a clearing, at the spot on the road we stopped at. He's there…. Its marked with a cross." Sam said, barely forming the words.

"You just left him out there alone?!"

"Darlin we had to hide him somewhere that no one could find his body… they would find him if we took him home." Bobby explained.

"So you all planned this, you tricked me into leaving so you could bury him without me?" I said angrily. Looking between the three men at the table. None of them looked up to meet my eyes. None of them responded.

"Well. I hope you're all proud of yourselves. You sure fooled me." I said getting up from the table and storming out the back door. I don't know what hurt more, that I played the part of the fool like they all wanted me to, or that Dean was truly gone now… I couldn't touch him. See him. Hold him.

For the first time in a very long time… I felt truly alone. I felt betrayed by the people who were supposed to be my support system.

It was always Dean and I against the world… now it was just me.

I wondered out to the garage, the same garage that Dean was in for weeks rebuilding baby when Dad died. I raked my hand across the tools, took in the smell of motor oil.

"Em, can we talk?"

"About what Sam? About how Dean is dead! About how you buried him without me! You didn't let me say goodbye…" I sighed, turning to face him as he stood in the entrance.

"I'm so sorry… but I promised him." Sam said, a single tear falling down his cheek.

"I know." I said looking down. "I just wish you would have told me, not lied about it."

"You would've fought to stay, and I didn't have the heart to be able to tell you no."

"Sammy… what do we do?" I said as I broke down in tears. "It's like someone poured led into my heart, it feels so heavy. It hurts to breathe."

Sam instantly moved and wrapped his arms around me, holding me.

"I don't know Em… but whatever it is we'll do it together. Okay? Me and you."

I nodded between sobs. Sam and I sat together in the garage, watching as the sun grew brighter. It was odd… to see such a beautiful sky, and feel so horrible on the inside.

It was like I didn't belong here in this world anymore.

When I close my eyes I feel like the world around me is dark. That the clouds absorbed the sun and took it away from me… It rains, day in and day out. But when I open them again its bright… it's all wrong.

"Lets go inside… I have something for you." Sam finally said. I leaned against him as we wandered back into the house. I sat on the couch and Sam pulled out a small box, he handed it to me, and gave a weak smile.

"I'll be upstairs. I'm gonna take a nap. Come on up if you need me okay?"

"Thanks Sammy." I said as he kissed the top of my head. I leaned back and crossed my legs indian style as I pulled the blue ribbon on the top of the white plain box. I pulled off the lid and lost my breath. Inside was a beautiful small dream catcher. It was white and black with feathers of different shades of blues and purples. The beading and weaving was intricate and delicate. I lifted it and let the feathers rub against my hand.

Underneath the dream catcher was a folded piece of paper. I swallowed, realizing it was probably from Dean. I put the dream catcher back in the box and shut it, placing it on the table.

I just can't do it.

So instead I carried the box upstairs and tucked it into the drawer of my nightstand. Then I closed the curtains, pinning a blanket over the window to keep it dark in the room. I locked the door, and opened up the duffle bag in the floor. I pulled out Dean's dark blue button up and put it on over my tank top and shorts.

I crawled into bed and wrapped my arms around the pillow, wishing it could hug me back.

Wishing it could tell me everything would get better.

But it didn't… because it's not.

…

2 Days Later

(Third Person POV)

"Emily! Open the door." Judson said as he pounded against it. Emily held her hands over her ears and rocked back and forth. Trying for force the air into her body, but she felt as if she just wasn't getting enough of it.

"S-a-a-am!" She gasped between syllables. Everything in her body felt tight and constricted… Convincing her that she couldn't breathe. She couldn't move. The horror of being trapped in your own body.

"Emily!" Judson yelled again. He began twisting the knob, a series of clicking noises followed, and then he was on the floor and in her face, pulling at her hands, her arms.

"No! no no no… leave me alone! SAM!" She cried, with eyes clenched shut, her fingers gripped into her hair, she tried to block out the world around her, tried to pretend she was somewhere else.

"Emily stop! It's okay, he'll be right back! He's coming back." Judson said as he pried her hands away from her ears. Slowly she opened her eyes and looked up at him.

"Where's Sam?! I-I gotta find Sam!"

"Emily he's just down the road, okay? Come here." He pulled her against him and tried to calm her, but she still gasped for air as if her chest was paralyzed and couldn't expand her lungs.

"Shhh… breathe babe, Breathe."

"Sa-a-m. Is he g-one?!"

"He'll be right back sweetheart, I promise."

"Emily?" Sam's voice called from down the hallway.

"Sam!" She yelled, his paced quickened as he ran up the stairs and into the bathroom, finding Emily in pieces, and Judson frantic to calm her down.

"What the hell happened?" Sam demanded as Emily tore away from Judson and into Sam's arms. He held her and whispered to her, calming her slowly, for the first time.

"She woke up and you were gone… she panicked I guess?" Judson sighed as he pushed past them and out of the bedroom. His frustration with not being able to help her was at an all time high… for the last couple of day's she has attached herself to Sam's hip. Refusing to let him leave her sight for more than a few minutes.

This morning in the wake of yet another dream, she woke to find Sam missing from the house. When Judson found her she was too far gone for him to pull her back. He hated it… he hated that he didn't understand how to help her. He hated that she was so reliant on other people.

He hated to watch her go through the same pain he went through, it drug up horrible memories.

Memories of him burying Olivia and his parents side by side in the church cemetery.

Memories of the drinking… the dark shadow that constantly hung over him. An act of God pulled him back into the light… and now he wanted to be that light for Emily, but she wouldn't let him in.

She'd barely said two words to him since Dean's death. She'd pulled back, pushing him further and further away by the day.

All he wanted to do was save her, but he couldn't even get close.

(Emily's POV)

"S-s-sam." I sniffled. "I thought you were gone."

"No Em, I'm right here… I'm not going anywhere kiddo. I'm here."

"It hurts so bad! Every day!" I cried.

"I know Em… Me too."

"Sammy… I wanna go see him."

"Okay. I'll take you." Sam said pulling away from me and wiping my eyes. "You gotta dry these up kiddo, you're breaking my heart here."

"I'm sorry. I just… I thought you were gone too."

"I'm here Em."

"I miss him so much Sammy… I feel like every day is harder than the one before it. I-I have these dreams where he's alive, and we're all happy… and then he just starts bleeding."

"I know kiddo… I miss him too."

…..

I walked up to Baby… I hadn't laid eyes on her in days. I stood staring at her from the back. Afraid to see the blood in the backseat. Afraid of the blood that would stain the interior Dean always obsessed over keeping clean.

A small part of me hoped there would be some though… a reminder of him. A part of him.

I let my hand drag across her midnight black exterior as I took in a deep breath and walked to the side… No blood. Bobby or Judson must have scrubbed it clean the night we got home, there's no way day old blood stains would come out of that.

I opened the door and slid into the driver's seat. Letting my hands skim across the steering wheel ridges. Closing my eyes I breathed in deeply and took in the scent… leather and cologne. Maybe a little motor oil.

Dean.

I felt like my entire body was made of this thin layer of glass. And every time Dean came to mind it shattered… over and over and over again. It hurts so bad. I physically get the urge to vomit and my heart feels sharp pains.

"How did we get here Baby?" I whispered as I leaned my head against the wheel.

"Ready to go?" Sam's voice carried from the outside of the car.

"Yeah sure." I said moving to scoot over.

"You wanna drive?" He asked carefully from the open door.

"Uh.. I… Yeah. I think so." I finally decided.

"Okay." He half smiled. I could tell he was trying so hard to play it off like he was holding it together, but I could see it in his eyes. He was just as lost as I was right now… but at least we were lost together.

The keys felt strange in my hands… like somehow they carried this responsibility. The responsibility to care for Baby in Dean's absence.

I turned them and Baby roared to life, a sound that I've known and loved for so long… it was comforting really. As we pulled out onto the road it was quiet. I don't think either Sam or I had the heart to turn on the radio right now… we knew it was on some classic rock station.

And I knew that no matter what song is playing… Dean would know it. And the sound of him singing along would float through my head.

So we rode in silence… down the familiar roads, until they became unfamiliar. I guess at some point I had fallen asleep on the way home, and Sam had to point me in the right direction a few times.

Eventually my stomach started to sink.

I could tell we were close.

"Slow down about a mile ahead, there should be a trail that leads into the woods." Sam said quietly, coughing to clear his voice.

"Okay." I mumbled.

I pulled forward slowly, hazard lights on even though no one else was around, and the car crawled to a stop. I turned off the engine and unbuckled, but I didn't move to get out.

"Are you sure you wanna do this Em?" Sam asked noting my hesitancy.

"I have to."

"Not today…"

"Waiting won't make it any easier."

"I know… I just. I don't know."

"Sammy."

"Yeah."

"What do you think they're doing to him?" I asked through tears.

"I try not to think about it…"

"Yeah, and how's that working for you?" I laughed humorlessly.

"… It's not."

"Me either." I sighed. "Sam, do you mind If I go down there alone?"

"No sweetheart, I don't… Just. I'll be here. When you're ready. Call me if you can't find it."

"Thank you." I said trying to bite back more tears. I leaned up and wrapped my arms around him, a few sobs shook my body before I inhaled sharply and released. Attempting to gain some sort of composure before I get there.

I finally got the nerve to open the door and get out, and I knew from there that there was no turning back. So I put one foot in front of the other, again, and again, and again.

Until a break in the trees caused me to pause. The clearing couldn't be more than 10 feet away from me… but I couldn't push myself to take another step. I don't know if I can take forcing myself to see it. To truly accept the fact that he's gone.

I turned and leaned against a tree, puking what little bit of food I had consumed over the last day or so… and trust me, it wasn't much. But it didn't matter now, because my stomach was empty again.

I was empty.

Its like beyond that glass casing I'm made of these days is nothing… hollow. Like my heart disconnected from the rest of me. How do you even begin to fix something like this?

How do you wake up every day and live?

I pushed off from the tree and turned back towards the clearing, forcing myself to take things one step at a time. As the tree line finally broke I could see fresh dirt, a cross in front of it. I swallowed, and pushed my body forward.

I walked until I was toe to toe with the edge of the dirt pile, I looked at the ground and could still make out boot prints, and marks where the shovel had been thrusted through the dirt. On the cross was a small bit of leather, holding it together in the middle.

Simple.

Small.

Final…

Everything about this, was like facing the end. The end of everything I understood my life to be. The end of everything I knew.

Everything from this point on would be different, and new, and if I'm being honest with myself absolutely fucking terrifying.

Dean is dead.

Not pretend dead.

Not almost dead.

Not dead but saved by a miracle dead.

He's actually… dead.

I don't really think I understood the weight of the word until it held enough meaning to smother me. Like every time I said it I was being forced to swallow a giant pill, blocking the air from getting into my lungs.

"De… It wasn't supposed to be like this." I whispered as I sat in front of the dirt pile. I pulled my fingers through the loose dirt on the top, it was cold and damp.

A small breeze of wind passed through the clearing and glided against my cheek, ruffling my hair. I closed my eyes and pretended it was the warm breeze from the ocean, that my fingers were dangling in the sand.

But when it was gone, so was the place in my mind.

So was Dean.

"Pl-lease c-come back…" I sobbed laying on the ground. "I-I-I need y-you De! Ple-ease…"

"Why-y did yo-ou make t-the deal?! We c-could have f-f-found another w-way… I-I could have s-saved you!"

I laid there for who knows how long… until suddenly I wasn't alone.

Sam picked me up and carried me back to the car… I sobbed embarrassingly the entire mile back, unable to stop myself. Unable to feel like there was an end to this in sight. Once there Sam set me down and leaned against baby.

He held me, he whispered in my ear for me to breathe slowly, holding it to re-inflate my lungs. He promised me we would be okay. He promised me it wouldn't hurt this bad for long… he promised me we would be together.

But something in his voice was so hollow. As if he said them only because he knew he was supposed to, not because he knew they were true. He said them because he had to be the strong one, not because he felt that way.

He was trying to be for me what Dean was for us both… the leader. The big brother. The hero.

He was trying to fix it…

But this time I don't think it can be fixed.