Author's Note: Hey lovelies! SO… I have news. I'M GOING TO HOUSCON! I'm FUCKING excited about it too! I have a silver pass, and a photo op with both boys! Hopefully more to come over the next six months! But at least I got them both before they sold out! If any of you will be there then I'd LOVE to meet you! Just PM me! Alsoooo… this chapter was much easier to write than the last. We're definitely going to see a mood shift here. Definitely going to slip down the slippery slope a little. Be patient. Things will get better… but not till they get worse. You know Winchesters go hard when they go bad. Love you all! Thank you for reading and THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REVIEWING! It means so much to me to hear what you have to say!
PS. There's a little 'easter egg' in here. Just because I love Jared's newest campaign.
"Another." I said as I popped the shot glass down on the bar. The tequila burned the entire way down, but I liked it. I liked how it numbed me.
"You should slow it down kid. You've had a few already."
"You get paid to pour drinks… so do your fucking job and get me another." I said without bothering to look up at the older woman on the other side of the counter top.
She let a sound between a scoff and a laugh. Then she slid me the bottle.
"That'll be $89.99. Take it and get the hell out of my bar."
I pulled out a one hundred dollar bill and left it on the counter, then I took the mostly full bottle and stumbled my way out to the impala parked at the back of the lot. I leaned the seat back and popped my feet up on the dashboard. The radio played as I tipped the bottle upwards and let the alcohol drown me.
I reached up with my foot and dangled the dream catcher from the rearview mirror. Letting the beads catch the light from street lamps.
I sat like that for a while, until knocks on the window caused me to jump. I turned and found a small group of guys smiling and laughing.
"Hey beautiful! Why don't you open up and we'll join you in there!" One of them called out through the barely cracked windows.
I flipped him the bird and took another drink.
"Oh I'll let you fuck me all night long you dirty little girl." Another cheered, getting an excited laugh out of all of his buddies. I reached into the glove compartment and pulled out my gun, cocking it and placing it against the window directly pointed at his forehead.
They all slowly began to back away.
"Lets get outta here dude!" One called from the back of the group. Soon they were all out of my sight.
Just me and the tequila. And all the thoughts that I'm trying to drown out.
"How the hell did we get here Emily…" I mumbled out loud. I reached into the backseat and into my bag, grabbing out my small makeup bag and pulling out the pill bottle. I put one in the back of my mouth and used a gush of tequila to swallow it down. Then I popped the lid back on the bottle and laid down in the seat, waiting for the numbing sleep to overtake me.
Two Weeks Earlier
"Sammy." I whispered in the middle of the movie. "Why do you think Dean liked this movie so much?"
I turned back up to the screen and watched as Arnold Schwarzenegger robotically walked down the hall, chasing the woman in the movie as she ran for her life. Sam and I had spent the last few days watching all of Dean's favorite movies. Most I had seen, but some I hadn't… I always tried to sit and find what he loved so much about them, but this one I just didn't get… I guess I'm not much of a Terminator fan.
"He thought Arnold was a badass… he was a totally nerd when it came to this movie. He knew everything about it, he could recite this movie word for word."
I sighed as I leaned into Sam's side, pulling a blanket up over me. Sam put a pillow in his lap for me to lay down on comfortably.
"Sammy… when does it get easier?"
The all too familiar heaviness pulled at me again. Like a weight tied around my chest, and someone just keeps adding to it.
"I don't know kiddo. I'm waiting to figure that out."
"Every time I think about him being down there it makes me sick… it makes me feel guilty. Like I didn't do enough to save him."
"Em you shouldn't feel guilty… you did everything you could have. If anyone should be guilty it's me. It's my fault he made the deal."
"No its not… Jake got the jump on you. I should have caught on to what he was doing when he left the cabin. I should have followed him."
"What was it like… when I died."
"This." I whispered. "Dean and I took your body to an abandoned cabin not far from the town. Laid you on that old bed, and for three days we just sat there… I cried for hours. Dean barely said a word. Sometimes he wouldn't let me go… other times I could tell he wanted to be alone. It literally killed everything inside of him that he couldn't keep you safe."
"Kinda unfair… seeing as how that's how we feel now." Sam mumbled.
"Sam… I want him back." Tears slipped down my cheeks, onto the pillow. One after the other, a steady stream. Sometimes I wonder how my body has anything left… its been a week since he's died and I have cried myself to sleep every day. I cry every time I think about where he is… what they're doing to him.
"Me too Em." Sam said slowly. I turned to look up at him. "I don't know… I just. I feel like I gotta do something Em. I gotta do something…"
"So what do we do?"
"I don't know yet… I'm trying to figure that out."
"But we'll do it together right?"
"Together." Sam smiled slightly. I sat up and wrapped my arms around him. Praying that we find something… anything.
"Have you talked to Bobby today?" I asked.
"No. I just wasn't in the mood ya know? I know he's trying his best to get us through this, but I don't know what he could do to make this any easier."
"Yeah. I know." I whispered. Thinking about how I've hardly said a word to Judson all week… how I've almost avoided him. Clung to Sam and pushed him and Bobby off to the side.
We sat and watched the rest of the movie in painful silence. Just clinging to one another. I was almost dozed off when Sam reached up and shut the TV off.
"Why don't you try and get some sleep… Okay?"
"Yeah." I said slowly getting up and going up the stairs. I went to open the door to my room, but a voice caught my attention.
"Hey." Judson said softly coming down the hall.
"Hi." I whispered back.
"Going to bed?" He asked.
"Yeah…" I sighed. I could see the disappointment in his face, and part of me felt guilty for ignoring him.
"Wanna join me?" I asked softly. The look on his face was surprised, but he nodded. I pushed open the door and he followed me in. I changed into some shorts and one of Dean's old shirts. Judson slid off his shirt and was left in his sweat pants. He laid down first and pulled the cover back, making a spot for me to slide in against him.
At first I was hesitant, but the moment my body slid against his, it all felt familiar.
It was warm, it was comforting. I pushed myself against him, his leg fell over mine, locking me there. I buried my face into the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent.
"I missed this." He whispered as he pulled his hand through my hair.
"I'm sorry… I've just needed time with Sam." I said back.
"I know sweetheart. Its okay… I just worry about you. How are you holding up?"
"I'm not." I whispered. "Sam's holding us both up… I feel like I'm just gonna hit the floor every time I'm not with him."
Judson tightened his grip slightly, a small attempt at reassurance.
"Judson. Have you ever heard of anyone escaping from hell?" Everything in me stood on pins and needles waiting on his answer. I know it sounds crazy… but there's gotta be a way right? I've been too afraid to mention the words out loud to Sam… afraid that I'd be shut down. But. I had to get the words out. I had to know if I was truly losing my mind.
"Emily." He sighed. "I don't know if that's possible. I mean that's bringing someone back form the dead. Not even Demon deals can do that. Don't you think that if it was possible we would have heard of someone doing it by now?"
"My daddy got out… he didn't come back. But his soul got out of hell."
"Emily. I just. I want you to be realistic, okay? I'll help you any way I can, but I don't want this to be a repeat of you trying to save Dean. And he wouldn't want that either."
"I just feel like I have to do something." I cried, my shoulders shaking. Judson held me a little tighter.
"I know sweetheart… I know it hurts."
"I can't live knowing that he's down there! Not knowing what they're doing to him…"
"Emily you can't think about stuff like that. It'll haunt you."
"I can't help it, every time I close my eyes it's all I see. I can't just leave him down there."
"Em I really don't think this is a good id-"
"If it was Olivia what would you do." I whispered. He froze. Slowly he moved again, pulling us apart so he could look at my face. His thumb rubbed against my cheek, wiping tears as he went.
"Okay… we'll look into it. But promise me something."
"What?"
"If this doesn't work… you have to move on. I didn't know Dean well, but I knew him well enough to know that he would hate to think he gave his life for you and Sam not to live your own lives and be happy. You can't let this consume you. Dean made this choice for a reason. Don't disrespect it by spending the rest of yours trying to reverse it."
"Okay… I promise." I whispered. Judson leaned down and slowly kissed my forehead. Everything in me felt like it would come apart if his arms weren't holding me together right now. Everything in me felt the strain of trying to breathe with no oxygen.
"I miss him so much." I cried again. "Everything in my body hurts every time I think about him."
"I know sweetheart. It'll stop one day. I promise."
"When?"
"Not for a while, but it gets easier."
"I don't think it does." I whispered back.
"I'm here baby… I'll get you through this."
I tightened my grip around him, and he copied my moves. I hoped that if I buried myself deep enough in him that I would get that feeling of forgetting the world around us. That it would be like old times… but. Its not. At least not right now. It still makes me want to fall apart just thinking about the pain Dean could be in right now.
It still churns my stomach knowing that I let him die.
It still hurts.
Everything… just hurts.
…..
"Em! Breakfast." Sam's voice called on the other side of the door, causing me to jerk awake.
"Okay." I called back. As I shuffled, so did Judson. I hadn't realized we had fallen asleep together… but I do know that I slept better than I have all week.
I still saw Dean.
I still woke up remembering he's gone.
I still woke up to the pain.
But I was actually able to sleep for a few hours without feeling like I wish I was dead too.
"Is Sam gonna be mad if he sees me in here?" Judson asked as he nuzzled his nose against mine.
"I don't know." I admitted. "I'm not sure anything would really make him mad right now."
"Yeah… are you hungry?"
I shook my head.
"You should really eat Em, even if you're not hungry. Just give your body something to work off of."
"I know." I sighed. "The sight of food just kinda makes me wanna be sick."
"C'mon, let's go downstairs. Sam's probably waiting on you."
Judson pulled me out of the bed and slid on a shirt before he led me down the steps. Once we entered the kitchen Bobby was at the table with the paper and a cup of coffee. He gave us an odd look for a moment, but didn't let it linger.
I walked up to Sam, who was facing the stove. I wrapped my arms around him from behind, squeezing him before letting go and sitting at the table. I could tell Sam was really trying… for me. For him… maybe for us both. He slid some food onto the plate in front of me. I sat quietly as everyone else got theirs and pushed things around with my fork.
I stared down the food on the plate like it was another challenge to face for the day.
It's like everything is a challenge now.
Nothing's simple anymore. Nothings just… part of the day.
Everything is something you have to force yourself to get up and do.
But you do it…
So I push the prongs on the fork into the food and lifted a small piece to my mouth, then another… a few more for the sake of Sam who was trying so hard. But when I felt like the vomit was ready to push its way up I stood from the table and carefully began to wash the dishes I had used.
"I'll take care of those darling, why don't you get out and get some fresh air. You've been cooped up in here all week." Bobby said coming up beside me, resting a hand on my shoulder. I tried to smile and nod. Then I handed him the plate and walked out the back door.
"I'll come with." Sam offered, standing and also placing his dish in the sink. I held the door until Sam was close enough to catch it himself. I stopped and waited for him.
"Where to now?"
"Hide and seek?" He half laughed. I chuckled for a moment.
"Dean used to love that game… I always tried so hard to find him. I never could though." I mumbled.
"Yeah, he did… Did he ever show you the spot above the shed? He used to hide from you up there all the time."
"No."
"C'mon. I'll show you." Sam smiled bumping me and leading us over to Bobby's old garage. The same one I stared at from my window. Sam pushed me towards the back corner where there was some old wooden steps, if you climbed them all the way to the top, they took you to a window, which took you to the roof. I laughed as Sam pulled me up to the top and I looked out over the entire salvage yard.
"So he could always keep an eye on me, but I could never find him."
"Yeah. Pretty much. We'd watch you run circles around cars out there. You'd get this excited look on your face when you were sure you found him, but when he wasn't there your entire body would slump, and we'd almost feel bad."
"Assholes." I half laughed.
"Em… I'm gonna find her. Lilith. I'm gonna kill her… I'm gonna find a way to get him back." Sam suddenly said with a tone of determination.
"Think we can do it? Get him back…"
"I'm not gonna stop trying till I do."
"You think Lilith will bring him back?"
"No. Not really… but I'm gonna kill her. Then I'm going to get him back."
"I don't care about Lilith. I just want Dean back."
"How can you not care about Lilith?! She killed him Emily."
I was taken back by his sudden increase in anger.
"I know that Sam, and I want her dead too… but I can deal with that after we get Dean back." I explained quietly.
He shook his head at me… I don't understand?
Why is he mad at me?... Why is it bad that I want Dean back more than I want her dead? I mean… I want her head on a platter as badly as Sam does. But… Dean takes precedence here.
Right?
"I'm sorry." I mumbled. Not even really sure what I was apologizing for. I slid over next to him and linked my arm in his, leaning on his shoulder as we watched the sun grow higher in the sky, the earth beneath it come to life as the morning went on.
Eventually we climbed back down and went back inside… Sam went to shower, and I sat down in front of Bobby's TV, looking through the stack of movies we'd gone through over the last few days.
"I don't get it De." I whispered as I ran my hands across the case for Terminator. "Arnolds cool, but not that cool… maybe you should come back and explain it to me."
I half chuckled, half cried, as I imagined him going into a long animated explanation as to why Arnold was such a badass, and why he loved this movie so much. The way his eyes would go wide and this huge smile would come across his face. He'd use his arms and hands to emphasize his points, and jump up and down to convince me of his point.
"Hey. You okay?" Judson asked as he entered the room.
"Fine." I sniffled as I reached up to clean my face. I pushed the movies back into the entertainment center and stood, trying to take a deep breath.
"You don't have to fake it around me Em."
I nodded slightly and leaned into him, wishing he was Dean instead.
Does that make me a horrible person?
Would I care if it did?
…
(Sam's POV)
I wandered into the living room, where Emily and Judson had fallen asleep on the couch. I would normally separate them, but honestly I'm just happy she's sleeping. So for now I turned towards the staircase and left them be.
"Goodnight Bobby." I called as I passed his study.
"G'night boy."
I could tell Bobby was missing Dean too. He's always cared for us, but in that gruff annoyed way… he was being too nice. He was as down as the rest of us these days, no matter how much whiskey he drank.
I sighed as I closed the bedroom door behind me.
"Wow. You look like hell, and trust me I would know."
I froze at the voice behind me. Chills ran down my spine.
"What are you doing here Ruby?" I asked without turning to face her.
"I just thought I'd stop in and see how you're doing without the chump."
"Do you have a death wish or something? I mean… I tell Em you're here and we'll all be cleaning this meat suit's guts off the walls." I said walking up to her.
"Easy boy." She teased. "I'm here to make peace."
"Really? Why don't you explain to me how the hell Lilith ambushed us in YOUR meat suit? Huh?"
"That wasn't my choice Sam. You know she's more powerful than me."
"Sure. I'll buy that." I nodded, pulling a vial of holy water out of my bag. "Then again… maybe I won't."
I turned and pinned her to the wall, dripping the holy water against her cheek, watching her flinch as it sizzled.
"Tell me or die… what the hell are you doing here?" I repeated.
"I-I can help you find her."
"Who?"
"You know who, Sam… you want her dead. I can help you. I can show you how to kill her."
"How?" I asked releasing her, taking a step backwards.
"Its gonna take some time to get you ready, and you've gotta want it. Bad."
"What do I have to do?"
"You have to be willing to do what it takes… give me a chance to show you how powerful you can be Sam. You can beat her. YOU can get revenge for Dean. Hell… maybe you can get him back one day. I mean, your power could be limitless with the right resources."
"Fine… What about Emily?"
"No. I can't work with her… I don't know her power's source like I do yours."
"You know where they come from?"
"And so do you…"
"No I don-"
"Don't lie to me Sam, it's not a show of good faith for things to come. I know you know about the demon blood. YOU have a purpose. You were given this gift for a reason Sam, yellow eyes knew what you could become. Let me help you."
"I can't just leave her here."
"Fine. I guess I'll be going then." She said as she began to stalk towards the open window.
"Wait!"
I paused as she turned around.
"We could use her help. She's strong, and you know it. I'll help her get it under control."
"She's unpredictable. Sloppy. Hotheaded. You saw what she did back at that house… how the demons fled in her presence. We can't have that kind of bomb following us around, you and I both know she's completely unstable. We have a chance to do this Sam, for Dean… She'll be okay. She has the boy and the old man. It's not like we'll be gone forever. Just until you're ready."
But the point is I'll be gone… again.
"How long will that take?"
"That's up to you."
I shoved my palms against my eyes and drilled the thought of leaving Emily again into my head… would she ever forgive me?
But what about Dean…
"He died for you Sam." Ruby whispered, as if reading my mind. "He died because of you."
"Shut up…"
"This is your chance to make it right. This is your chance to get your revenge, for you… for your sister. Do this FOR her."
"Shut up!" I yelled and she got quiet. "What are they doing to him down there?"
"You don't want to know Sam…"
"I asked you a question."
"And I'm telling you that even I won't have telling you that information on my conscience. Does that answer your question? The choice is yours Sam. But don't expect me to wait long for an answer… I'll be gone by morning."
I leaned my head against the wall, listening to her disappear out the window.
What do I do…
What do I do…
Dammit!
Everything in my head swam, the worst outcomes, the best outcomes. The pros. The cons. The possibilities. But at the bottom of it all… killing Lilith.
The thought of her boiled the blood in my veins.
I could kill her…
I will. Kill her.
…..
(Emily's POV)
Rustling in the room woke me up. I realized that Judson and I were on the couch, but somebody else was in the kitchen. It sounded too noisy to be Bobby. I carefully pulled away from Judson, he didn't wake, and then I tip toed into the light.
"Sam?"
He turned quickly, a bottle of almost empty whiskey in his hand, he had been crying… he looked like shit.
"Sammy what are you doing?" I whispered walking towards him.
"I-I don't know what to do!" He rambled over and over again.
I felt my heart began to crumble again… I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around him, holding him. Letting him hold me. But suddenly he pushed me back and walked away, tipping the bottle against his mouth.
"Sammy where are you going?"
He ignored me and stormed out the door, grabbing the keys to the impala off the counter.
"Sam!" I yelled chasing after him. "Sam stop!"
I caught up to him and pulled his arm, he ripped it away and turned to face me.
"He's DEAD! Don't you get it Emily?! He's in hell!" His words cut like knives through my soul… I already knew these things… but to hear them come out of Sam's mouth like that was a whole new level of pain.
"Can we just go back inside?" I whispered, biting back tears.
"NO! No we can't just go back in there and mope around and not do shit! I'm tired of just moping around in this old house with you! I'm tired of trying to make sense of all this! IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!"
"Okay." I shrinked back as he yelled in my face. "I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry for?! Huh! Why do you keep saying that! What have you ever done to be sorry!"
"I don't know!" I yelled back.
He went to storm off but I reached out and grabbed him again.
"Quit walking away from me!"
"What the hell do you want from me?! Huh! You think I can fix this? WELL I CAN'T! Not like this…"
"Where are you going!"
"I'm leaving! Okay?! I'm going to find a way to kill her. I'm gonna make this right!"
"I'll go with you, you can't drive like this anyways." I said jogging to catch up with him.
"No, you won't! You can't… just. Stay here!"
"Why?!"
"BECAUSE I SAID SO!"
He continued to stalk off towards the impala.
"You can't do this to me! SAM!" I screamed feeling tears well I my eyes.
"I've done it before and I'll do it again!" He yelled.
I froze. It was like he stabbed me in the gut… he HAS done it before. And then he promised he'd never do it again… yet here we are. Here I stand watching him walk away from me. Watching him leave me.
CHOOSING to leave me.
Everything in me that was just shattered swirled and burst into anger.
"YOU BASTARD!" I ran towards him and shoved him from behind, causing him to stumble, he turned back towards me. "How could you do this! How could you leave me here alone! YOU PROMISED YOU'D NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN! You promised Dean you'd be here!"
"I KNOW! Okay, I'm sorry but I can't do this! I have to go!"
"Then take me with you!"
"I can't Emily! Dammit!"
"I wish he never brought you back." I whispered. Watching the words hit him. Watching his face contort in the same pain I felt on the inside. He shook his head and went to walk away form me… just like that. Not a word.
Well if he was leaving he wasn't taking Baby with him. I reached down and yanked the keys from his hand. He turned and went to pull them away from me but I stepped back.
"I wish he was here instead of you." I said pushing the words past the tears. Trying not to choke on them. Trying to make him feel the same pain I do…
"Shut up!"
"NO! I wish he was here and you were still dead! ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!"
Suddenly I was on the ground. Looking up at the dark sky… there was a new pain. Pain I had felt so many times before but never by the hands of Sam. Never by the hands of family. I let myself give into the sobs I'd been fighting and turned to lay on my side, the throbbing on the right side of my face increased as it rubbed against the dirt.
"Keep the fucking car!" Sam yelled as he walked away, I laid there and watched him disappear from sight. He just kept going… he never turned around. He never even looked back.
He just left…
"Em!" A familiar voice called out to me through the dark. But I couldn't bring myself to respond. I just clutched the keys in my hand a little tighter.
"Emily!" The voice was more concerned.
I could feel the vibrations of foot steps against my face, they were slow at first… then quickened.
"Emily… baby?!"
Judson slid down on the dirt, he pulled me to sit up and I watched silently as his eyes scanned my face. Pausing on my right cheek and eye. I knew the bruise was forming… my vision was blurring on the edge. It happens with black eyes sometimes.
"Bobby!" Judson yelled. He picked me up and began to carry me inside. Bobby met us on the porch.
"What the hell happened?!"
"I don't know… I just found her out here."
"Sam!" Bobby called out for him. "Sam!"
"He's gone." I mumbled.
"What?" Bobby asked turning towards me.
"He left… he left me here."
"Dammit…" Judson sighed, holding me a little tighter.
"Where is he?" Bobby asked again, but the tone of his voice changed. "Did he do this?"
I flinched as his hand grazed my face. I refused to answer him.
"Emily answer me!" He asked gruffly. But Instead I turned and buried my face in the crook of Judson's neck. It doesn't really matter… if he did it or not.
He left… that's all that matters.
"Take her inside. Clean that up… I'm going after the idjit."
Judson nodded before turning and carrying me inside to the first floor bathroom. He set me down on the sink and dug through the cabinets to find the first aid kit. He ran a rag under the cold water, then began to dab it against my cheek. I did my best to hold still.
"Em… talk to me sweetheart."
"He left…"
"Did he hit you?"
"He left me here, he didn't wanna be with me."
"Emily, listen to me… Did Sam hit you?"
I turned to look him straight in the eye.
"Why doesn't he w-want me?"
The air that was just in my lungs felt like it left my body. I felt like I was choking. The panic ran through me like a flash of lightning. As my heart began to race the lights above us began to flicker.
"Whoa, Em, baby calm down! Take a breath! Shhh…" He tried to hold me but I only felt more suffocated and pushed him away, when I did the mirror behind me cracked.
"I c-can't breathe!"
"Emily! Emily look at me!" He tried to hold my face but I struggled against him.
"Let me go! Please!" I cried between grasping for air. The lightbulb above us shattered and glass sprinkled over us in the now dark room.
"Emily just stop! Breathe!"
I pushed away from him and jogged out of the room and up the stairs, busting through my door and digging through my bag. I finally found the bottle and dropped two white pills into my hand. I pushed my way up off the floor and to the bathroom sink, swallowing the pills and climbing into the tub. Turning on the water and rocking myself back and forth slowly unitl the tub filled, surrounding me… The pills took affect and I felt sleepy.
The pills… they dulled everything.
They dulled the pain.
The panic.
The fire in my veins.
So here I sit… dull and alone.
….
PRESENT
*Knock Knock*
The knocking on the window against my head caused me to jump. I pulled my gun and put it against the window, but quickly dropped it as I recognized the person on the other side of the glass. I sighed and unlocked the door. Sliding over and making room for him to climb in.
"How the hell did you find me?" I asked as I dug through trash in the floorboard, trying to find the bottle that I hoped still had enough to wash out my mouth.
"This is the closest bar to Dean's grave. It wasn't that hard to figure it out." Judson said.
I finally found the bottle and went to drink from it, but it was ripped from my hands before it was thrown out the window, shattering on the concrete below.
"That cost me a lot of money ya know." I sighed.
"This isn't right Emily… You run off in the middle of the night, leave Bobby worried to death. Don't answer the damn phone. I mean do you know how many times he called you? How many times I've called you?"
"Yes." I whispered. Feeling the throbbing in my head.
"What the hell Emily? I mean I know you're a little fucked up right now with Sam leaving you and all… but that doesn't mean you can just shove me aside. I can't help you if you won't let me!"
"Why would you want to help me… why do you care? I don't have anything for you. I'm a shitty person. And you already said yourself that I am fucked up. So why would you want me? You're just buying your time until you find a reason to up and leave too. So just do us both the favor and do it now… cause I have things to do."
"Like what? Torturing demons? Thought you covered your tracks huh? I found the bodies. Did you get any answers from them? Find a way to get Dean out of hell yet?"
"Fuck you."
"No fuck you Em! Let me tell you something you DON'T know. I stuck around because I WANTED to. I'm here because I CARE. And no matter what you do to push me away, its not gonna work. So if this is how it's gonna be… you running off and me playing catch up to keep you alive. Then so be it. Next time be a doll and leave some bread crumbs will ya?"
He got out of the car and slammed the door shut. It rang in my ears, almost deafening with the hangover I was having. I climbed out of the car and stood next to it.
"I have a lead." I called out to him. He stopped and turned to face me. "The last demon gave me a name… I tracked it to a few states over. I just…" I swallowed. "I needed to see Dean. So I went last night… and I just kind of ended up here."
He slowly walked back over to me.
"Are they still acting up?"
"… Only if I don't take the pills."
"Em. You know I hate those stupid things… I wish you'd just give them to me."
"It's the only way I keep from walking into a room and destroying it… you know how sensitive they've been."
He sighed and walked up, pulling me against him.
"I know hun, we'll figure out another way."
Truth is though… I liked the pills.
They were easy. At first I was taking two a couple times a day… but then I figured out that just one and a little tequila worked even better than two of them. Plus this extends the life of my short supply. It made it easy not to feel the pain. It made it easy to feel normal, not like every time I lifted my hand the china cabinet would explode.
I nearly shattered every glass plate in Bobby's house before I took off…
"Hey Em, don't take this the wrong way… but you need a shower. You smell like a bar."
"Yeah. Shower sounds good." I mumbled back. He pulled us back towards the impala and drove us to the nearest hotel. He ran to the store to grab a couple of things and I sat under the stream of hot water… just letting it consume me. Feeling like maybe, just maybe it could wash me clean.
"Em, I'm coming in." Judson knocked against the bathroom door. He walked in and placed the soap, shampoo, and conditioner he had just bought on the edge of the tub.
"Thanks." I mumbled.
"Need a hand in there?" He asked playfully. Part of me wanted to return with some witty comment. But I almost felt guilty for even considering it… Dean's in hell. Sam left me.
The little Debbie downer voice in my head creeps back in and reminds me that he probably just wants to fuck me and leave me… just like everyone else.
"I'm good." I sighed.
"Okay. Holler if you need anything."
…..
"Em." Judson said as I climbed into bed next to him. "Why didn't you just ask me to take you to see Dean? Why did you take off."
"Because. I wanted to be alone."
"That's not true… From the moment you realized Sam was really gone it's like you flipped a switch. You called him… I saw your phone."
"That's not your business."
"You are my business."
"I just… I just wanted to know why he didn't want me anymore." I said looking down at the ugly white stitching on the edge of the beige bland comforter. "What did I do wrong?"
"Nothing sweetheart. He didn't leave because of you."
"Yeah sure. I wasn't the problem… he just punched me on his way out to remind me how much he loved me."
"Em… I don't know why he did what he did. But I know you didn't do anything wrong. So it couldn't have been because of you."
"Is it wrong that I wish he would come back?"
"No." Judson said as he reached up and wiped the budding tears from the corner of my eyes.
"I-I miss him… I miss Dean. I- it hurts so much more… I didn't think it could get any worse, but I never in a million years thought that he would just. Leave…"
"Shh… babe. Don't do this to yourself."
"Why wasn't I enough?"
"Emily stop. You ARE enough."
I moved to climb out of the bed and walked over to the bags in the corner of the room.
"What are you looking for?"
I didn't answer him… because its easier that way. I continued to go through the bag until I found them. Popping them open and sliding one in my mouth. Then I stepped over to the mini bar and found something to wash it down with.
I was fixing to swallow when Judson pulled the bottle out of my hands. And instead handed me a water.
"If you're going to take them at least don't be stupid about it… I don't know why you're taking one right now anyways."
"You wouldn't understand." I said before swallowing.
"What don't I understand Em? Grief? Losing someone? Pain?"
"Look you dealt in your own way, let me deal in mine…"
"I'm fine with letting you process things in your own time but I'm not okay with you getting hooked on pills to do it."
"Are you serious?! I'm not addicted! I just… I just need a little help sleeping."
"And functioning during the day? A little help not blowing things up? I mean what do you really think those things are doing for you?"
"It just… It dulls it all." I sighed leaning against the wall. "It just. It makes it hurt less."
"Emily, just because you can't feel it doesn't mean it hurts less. It just means it's going to hurt longer. You have to deal with this shit, or it just builds up. It overtakes you. I don't want you to go down that road."
"I just… I want to go to sleep. And follow this lead in the morning. Please… can we just drop it for now?"
"Fine… for now."
We climbed back in bed and I laid there until Judson finally fell asleep. The slowly… quietly, I climbed out of the bed and grabbed my phone, stepping outside and cracking the door.
I dialed his number. Just like I have every night since he left.
I listened to it ring. Over. And Over again. Just like I have every night since he left.
Then it went straight to his voicemail. Just like it has every night since he left.
So I left him the same message I've left every night since he left.
"Sammy… please call me. I need you. I'm gonna get him back, but, I can't do it without you. Please. Just… I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it. Any of it. I don't care about what happened… I just. Please come back, Sammy. I need you."
I need my brother.