Author's Note: Hello lovelies! Sorry this one took a while to get out to you, it's a little longer than the last couple have been, and I've been kinda distracted over the last couple of weeks. But here it is! By the end of this chapter we're about 2 months into Dean being gone, but I promise you the next two months will go by faster than these have… We should be seeing Dean again VERY soon. At least I'm hoping so! I never really know where things will go until I start writing! As always thank you all so much for the continued love and support! Let me know what you guys think and what you guys are wanting to see out of the next chapters! I love you all! Please READ and REVIEW! Your reviews touch me in ways you can't imagine! I love hearing what you all have to say!
"So." I smiled sweetly to the demon tied to the chair in front of me. "Tell me about hell."
He laughed.
"Sweetheart. You're barking up the wrong tree… its been months since I've taken a trip downstairs. I hardly remember it."
"Oh? Is that so… and how exactly did you get from the basement to the top floor, huh?" I asked as I slowly walked around him in circles. Judson watching me carefully from the corner of the room.
"Well you have to have the secret password." He smiled.
I stopped and spun to look at him. He thought he was getting out of this one… just like the rest of them. He thought he had the upper hand.
"Who got you out of hell sweetie?" I asked politely as I walked towards him.
"Is this about big brother Dean?"
I tensed for a moment, but quickly relaxed my posture again.
"Maybe… maybe not. Does your answer differ based on my motives?"
"Oh baby you've got it bad dontcha? It's just ITCHING at you… you wanna know what they're doing to him down there?"
"I thought you didn't remember hell?"
"Well when you've got a VIP like Dean Winchester in the pit, rumors fly. People talk… Man. The ways they carve into him. The way he screa-"
The demon stopped midsentence and his face contorted into silent suffering. I glared at him… my hands resting, but I could still feel the tension between him and I. I could see it was working.
"Emily, we talked about this." Judson reminded me from the corner. I ignored him. Watching the demon's face fill with fear.
"Emily!"
I closed my eyes and the demon began to gasp for air. When I opened them again I sat and straddled the demon. Rubbing my hand down the side of this face.
"Look 'baby' I don't wanna hurt you." I cooed. "See… me and you. We have things the other wants."
"And what do you have that I want?" He asked cautiously.
"You're little meat suit here is pretty good looking, ya know that?" I leaned down and whispered into his ear. "I'm sure I could find something that would please you both."
I slid forward on his lap and licked a trail from his ear to his jaw. He let out a breathy moan.
"What do you want from me?"
"I want to find a way into hell… can you help me?" I asked softly, running my hand through his hair.
"I don't know the way… but there's this woman. Erika. She got me out… she pulls demons to the surface to work for her."
"Where can I find Erika?"
"Colorado. She likes the mountains."
"Thanks playboy." I smiled as I climbed off his lap.
"Hey bitch!" He called out as I began to walk away. I looked up to Judson, who shook his head no. Telling me to keep walking. But I just couldn't stop myself… I turned back around and walked over to the demon.
"Forgot your part of the bargain." He smiled at me.
"Of course." I chimed as I lowered myself back down on his lap. I pulled out my knife and began to cut his shirt open, from the neck down… he watched me with excitement in his eyes.
"Emily. Don't do this…" Judson urged.
"But he wants his prize." I smiled.
I ran my hands up and down his body, the muscles curved under my hand, I moved up and paused. My hand resting over his heart. I leaned forward and licked the lobe of his ear.
"You've been a naughty boy." I whispered. Then I curled my fingers upwards and dug my nails slightly into his skin. His face became restrained. I could feel the heat between my palm and his body. The pulsating of his heart increasing rapidly.
He begged for me to stop, but I liked the sound of the fear in his voice. So I pushed in a little deeper… then a little deeper. Until finally his heart was beating so fast it was like it was vibrating against my hand.
Then silence.
Stillness.
His head rolled backwards gently, and I climbed off the dead demon's lap. I walked to the corner and picked up the salt and the gas can, emptying a little of both on his body before tossing a lit match.
I turned to walk away, but Judson was blocking my path.
"I thought we agreed this was going to stop." He said angrily.
"Hey. I was done… I was gonna walk away. HE called me a bitch. "
He shook his head at me before answering.
"You know for the last three weeks I've followed you state to state! Going from one demon to the other and STILL you don't get it! You're not just killing the demon in there Em! There's a person in there!"
I rolled my eyes and pushed past him.
"Don't just walk away from me!"
"You and I both know that once a person is possessed they are as good as dead anyways! We are just saving them the misery of it lasting any longer! I mean do you know what it's like to be in the body while its being possessed? No. You don't. Maybe they WANT to die!"
"That's such bullshit and you know it!"
"Oh fuck you!"
"I'm serious Emily! No more or I'm done helping you!"
"Fine. I didn't ask you to come along anyways."
"So what then? You just want me to leave? Am I standing in your way? Fine… I'll go."
"Fine!"
I got into the impala and slammed the door shut behind me, punching the gas and going towards the motel. Once there I went inside and pulled a bottle from my bag… taking a long drink. Then another.
And then another…
As the alcohol sank in and my body began to come off the high of using my abilities I felt lonely…
For the last few weeks I've been testing myself. Letting myself get a little carried away in interrogations on purpose. Truth is I kinda like the way it feels. I kinda like knowing they all suffer the way Dean did.
I like knowing they fear me.
I like the sweet sound of revenge in the screams.
Does that make me sick? Maybe…
Do I care… not really.
But Judson does. And I don't want him to leave.
So the more I drink and come down… the more I want him.
Eventually I reach out for the keys and drive back down the dark road I came from. It had only been maybe an hour, and the drive back to the motel was a solid 30-40 minutes. He should still be wandering around here somewhere.
I drove until I finally came upon the reflection of someone's shoes walking across the pavement. I slowed the engine and rolled it to a stop as I caught up to them.
He stopped, and I turned off the engine, climbing out and crossing the empty road to go to him.
"I'm sorry." I said as I pressed my lips against his.
He sighed, but kissed me back gently.
"Are you drinking?" He asked softly. I nodded. "Give me the keys."
I surrendered the keys without a fight and let him drive us back to the room without protest. He led me inside and put the bottle of whiskey away, his face looked disappointed.
"You should take a shower, get cleaned up. We'll get a good night's sleep then take off for Colorado in the morning."
"Can you call Bobby and let him know?" I asked softly, digging for the pill bottle in my bag. Judson walked over and sighed, pulling the bottle out of the bag and putting it in his pocket.
"You know you can't have one if you've been drinking. And I think you should call him, he's going to ask to talk to you anyways."
"I can't." I said pushing past him and moving towards the bathroom.
"Emily. You can't avoid him forever. He's not mad at you. He's just worried, please… He wants to hear from you."
"Just tell him I love him, and I'm sorry. Please."
I closed the door behind me and slumped down. Digging the small baggie out of my boot. I had to start hiding some of my pills in other places since Judson had started pulling them away from me, he doesn't understand that I need them to function.
That without them I will have the nightmares again.
That without them I can't control my abilities.
That without them I can't do the things required of me day to day.
It won't be forever… I just. I need a little extra help right now.
After my shower I stepped out to find Judson laying in the bed, watching some rerun of an old western. I walked over to him, and sat on the edge of the bed. He looked up at me hesitantly. I could tell he was still angry with me for earlier… it was written all over his face.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. "I just… I can't stop myself sometimes. Its like this part of me just takes over, and it. It feels powerful. And… good. Does that make me a bad person?"
"No, Em it doesn't… it makes you a little lost right now. But. You're not a bad person."
"So you won't leave me?"
He sat up and pulled me onto his lap, straddling him.
"Emily I told you… I'm not going anywhere. But you've gotta stop this babe. Its not you, its not who you are… This isn't who Dean raised you to be." I pulled my eyes away from him at the mention of Dean's name. "I know you're just trying to find a way to get him back, but he wouldn't want you to do it like this."
"I know."
And the truth is I do know that… but. I push it down.
Every time I kill another one of them I can see Dean in my head, disappointed at me. But It's the only way I know to get answers. To get him back… and if getting him back means disappointing him. Then so be it.
"Look at me baby." He pulled me back up to face him. Tears fought their way to the surface, but something about the way he looked at me. Something in those emerald eyes, puts me at ease again.
It doesn't stop the pain, but coupled with the pills and the tequila to calm me down, Judson is the only thing that makes me feel like the world still has more than darkness left in it. He's the only light I have right now… and I can't lose it.
"You are so much better than that… you're better than the things you're doing lately. We just gotta pull the reigns back in a little, okay?"
I nodded silently, pressing my lips against his. He eagerly kissed me back, letting his hands fall down my back and cupping them under my shorts. The tips of his fingers gently dragged across the inside of my thighs from behind. The sensation made me melt from the inside… it sent a warm tingle throughout my whole body.
I traced my hands up and down his bare chest, pausing down at his waist, pulling gently against the fabric of his sweatpants. I was eager to find nothing underneath them. My forehead laid against his as his breath mixed with mine.
"Judson…" I whispered. His hands pulled out of my shorts and back up to the hem of my shirt, pulling it up and over my head, leaving me with nothing but shorts on.
"I don't like it when you touch them like that." He whispered into my ear. His hands winding around from the back to the front, tracing up and down my bare rib cage. "It makes me jealous."
"I.. I'm sorry." I moaned slightly. Letting my hands glide up and down his body, weaving into his hair, pulling his lips to mine. His hands went a little further every time they traveled up my body, until finally they grazed the underside of my breasts. His thumbs pressed against my nipples and rubbed back and forth gently. Causing my body to respond immediately.
"Do you want this?" He asked me softly, his tongue sliding down my neck to my collarbone.
But for some reason I couldn't answer him.
The way his hot mouth moved against my skin made it impossible to form the words. I couldn't speak if I wanted to.
"Emily?" He said pulling his face back up to mine. But his hands were still on my body, touching me in ways that I had never been touched before.
"I.. I. Um.." I stumbled over the words between my loud breaths. "I don't know."
His movements came to an abrupt stop, but silently I begged for him to keep going. I looked down at him with such conflict. I DID want this… for so long. So bad.
But I still had that voice at the back of my mind… telling me that once he got what he wanted he would leave me. I would be alone again, and he will move on to someone else. Someone less fucked up.
And as amazing as this felt, and as much as I wanted more. To feel him in ways I never had before… I was afraid that I would never get to feel him again.
"Emily? What is it?" He asked softly.
"I… I don't know if I'm ready." I gulped after the lie left my lips.
"Okay." He said, although I could tell he felt slightly disappointed. But He quickly hid it and pulled my body against his, we slid down onto the bed like this. My bare chest against his. The rise and fall slowly syncing.
We layed there, drifting to sleep in the dark, but before I could let myself slip I reached out for my phone, flipping it open and checking the inbox.
Feeling my heart break a little at the sign of no new messages, again.
I put the phone back down and closed my eyes.
"Has he tried to contact you at all?" Judson asked in the dark.
"No." I whispered.
"I'm so sorry babe… I know how much he means to you."
"Meant." I corrected.
The longer Sam stayed silent the more the pain turned into resentment. The more fuel it gave me to get Dean back myself…
"Em, don't let this harden your heart. He's still family. He's still your brother as much as Dean is."
"Don't compare them to me like that." I quickly interjected.
"Okay, okay… I'm sorry. I just. Don't write him off just yet… He's hurting too. You Winchesters are probably some of the worst when it comes to grieving properly."
"Oh because the rest of the world does it so well?" I asked pulling away. "Exactly how would you like me to grieve?"
"Emily, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that you both are doing things that you might regret later!"
"Oh and what's mine huh? The pills… Why are you so fucking stuck on this? Huh?" I asked angrily.
"Em where the hell is all this anger coming from? I'm sorry if what I said offended you but its true. You and Sam both picked some shitty ways to deal with this, that's not a secret to anyone."
"Well I'm sorry I'm such a fucked up person, and that I make such shitty choices. Guess I should pop some pills and take my ass to bed now." I said getting up and going to the small couch on the other side of the room. I would have slept on the other bed, but since its just the two of us on the road we'd been getting rooms with single beds. Right about now I'm regretting that.
"Emily don't be like that."
"Fuck you. Go to sleep."
"Em, baby please."
"Let me sleep." I said one final time. He sighed, but gave in, turning over and giving up on getting me to come back to his bed. I laid in the dark until I could hear his soft snores. Then I caved and moved back to the bed, knowing that no matter how angry I was I still didn't want to be alone. And that if I woke up alone again then I would feel that same panic I felt every time I woke up alone.
…
"So how do we find her?" Judson asked as we stepped out of the motel.
"Easy. Crossroads. Let's go…" I sighed going to the trunk and getting things together to summon a deal making bitch. Then we got in the impala and drove out to some empty roads outside of town, stopping at the first four way we came to.
"What now?" Judson asked.
"You've never done this before?" I asked with honest curiosity.
"No. Didn't have much run in with demons until I started hanging around with you. Stuck mostly to monsters."
"I bury this box of trinkets here in the middle, and we wait."
"That's it?"
"Don't sound so disappointed…"
"Just a little anticlimactic, that's all." He shrugged. I rolled my eyes playfully. Then I stood in the center of the crossroads and spun.
"Come out, come out wherever you are." I sighed. Nothing happened.
"Hello?!" I yelled. Nothing.
"Umm… is it supposed to take this long?" Judson asked.
"Not usually." I said getting a bad feeling. The longer this took the more irritated I got.
"Hey yo bitch!" I yelled loudly.
"Let's get something straight." A female voice came from behind me and caused me to spin. "You lift your hands and I'm outta here. Got it?"
"Wow. You guys are skiddish these days aren't you?"
"I know your reputation."
"Yeah well, I've turned over a new leaf… I need some information. No harm no foul, just a chat."
"Oh? And what's in it for me?" She laughed. Her perky smile and blonde hair contrasted against the night sky.
"You know… I'm pretty sure every demon I've ever met asks me that. Selfish bunch aren't you?"
"… I'll only ask one more time before disappearing."
"Fine." I sighed rolling my eyes. "Tell me and I won't kill you… or exorcise you."
"That's not much of a deal."
"Well then what does your black heart desire?"
Her eyes wandered behind me.
"He's kinda yummy." She winked at him.
"He's kinda off limits." I warned.
"Fine. What is it you want to know?"
"A demon named Erika. Where can I find her?"
"What do you want with Erika?"
"None of your business."
"You talk… I talk." She bargained.
"I want to know how to get in and out of hell." I said with a straight face.
"This wouldn't be about dear old Dean would it?" She smiled, I could see the ideas brewing in her head. I knew that I should shut this down before it starts.
"Erika. Where is she?"
"Oh, hit a nerve did I? You know… the other Winchester has been hitting up the cross roads too."
"What?" I asked in sudden confusion. What the hell is Sam doing at crossroads?
"You didn't know? Sammy's been begging demon after demon to trade him places with Dean. Of course none of them took the bait, and well… lets just say you're not the only one who's built a reputation of taking down demons."
I stared at her. Unsure of what to say. My head swam… The words I said to Sam. The look on his face. The pain… He's trying to trade places with Dean, and its probably because of me.
A whole new level of guilt and self- hatred rolled over me like a bowling ball. Knocking me straight on my ass. What the hell have I done… where is my brother. What is he doing?
"Where is Sam?"
"Don't know. He hops around a lot. I've not personally had the pleasure. I'm guessing you and brother aren't getting along? Isn't that interesting."
"… Tell me where Erika is now." I felt the need to finish this and be done. I had to get away from her before she realized she was holding the upper hand.
"A bar a couple of towns over. The Black Diamond."
"Thanks bitch." I turned to walk away, but a voice stopped me.
"Don't you wanna know…"
"Know what?" I asked.
"Emily… let's go. She's got nothing else for us." Judson said as he reached out to pull me towards the car, but I held my ground.
"Know how he screams. Begging for it to stop… begging for you and sweet little Sammy."
"Shut up!" I yelled.
"The way that they cut into him over and over and over again… the smell of his flesh melting off."
"I said shut up!" I reached out with my hand and before she could get away and lifted her into the air. "Its YOUR fault he's dead!"
"Emily! Let's go!" Judson yelled yanking me around to face him, the demon fell to the ground and quickly smoked out of the woman's body.
"Dammit! I had her!" I yelled as I shoved him.
"Look on the ground Em…" He said pushing me back lightly. I turned to see the woman on the ground begin to come back to life. She was confused, but alive and well. "The demon wasn't the only one you had."
"Let's just go…" I stormed off past him, back to the impala. I sat behind the wheel and looked up at the dream catcher. The way the feather's danced as the air from the vent blew on it. I couldn't help but feel emotion overtake me.
I miss Dean.
I miss Sam.
I feel like the worst person in the world, for what I did to Sam. For what I do to the people who are possessed. For what I almost did to the woman laying in the road…
What the hell am I?
I leaned against the steering wheel and let myself slip, little bit after little bit. By the time Judson opened the door I was sobbing. The more I tried to explain things, the harder it was to make my mouth form the words.
I hated… me.
I hated everything I'd become.
But, I wanted Dean back so bad! I wanted to end this horrible day. I wanted to drown myself, to feel numb again. Not to feel at all…
"Em, talk to me baby." Judson crooned as I poured myself into the bed, a small bottle of whiskey tucked under my pillow, waiting for him to go to sleep.
"I told him it was his fault." I whispered.
"Who?"
"…Sam. Its why he hit me. I told him, that I wished he was dead. That it was all his fault."
Judson sighed and ran his hand through his hair.
"Emily, that still doesn't excuse what he did."
"I know… but you can't tell me it doesn't have something to do with him running around trying to make crossroads deals." I mumbled, tears breaking through the words.
"Babe, Sam probably felt that way before you said anything. It's just a combination of things."
"Including me." I demanded, sitting up. "It's bad enough I couldn't save EITHER of them when they died, but I chased off the only living brother I had?! Told him that I WISHED he was dead?! THAT. Is inexcusable… it's disgusting."
"Em. You were both pretty upset, he was drinking. I think it's safe to say you both know it was a heat of the moment kind of thing."
"It doesn't matter. I still said them… and I think it's kinda obvious now that he definitely remembers them."
"Well then let's go find Sam… apologize. He's reasonable."
I scoffed and turned to look at him.
"Are you fucking stupid? He has ignored EVERY call, every text, every email. Don't you think if he wanted an apology he would have talked to me at some point over the last few weeks?"
"Don't talk to me like that. I'm only making suggestions." He backlashed.
"Just get the hell away from me." I mumbled.
"That's fine!" He scoffed. "I'm gonna go sleep in the fucking car, cause it's a hell of a lot more comfortable then being in here right now. I get that life's hard right now, okay? I know its beating the hell out of you. But the one thing you don't do, is spit on the people that are trying to help you. THAT'S inexcusable."
He slammed the door as he exited, leaving me no room to argue.
He's right… I know that.
But I just can't stop myself from being a bitch. From pushing him… maybe he'll up and leave me too. I'd deserve it. I climbed out of the bed and pulled one pill from the quickly dwindling bottle, a swig of my hidden whiskey to swallow it down. Then another just for good measure…
Of course it wasn't but a few hours later that I laid in the bed, unable to sleep alone… so I carefully stepped out the door and gently tapped on the window. Judson woke up quickly and blinked at me a few times before opening the door and stepping outside, stretching his stiff body form being cramped in the front seat.
As he stretched my hands traced up his abs to his chest. He slowly let his arms fall around me, and I leaned against him.
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
"I know." He sighed… like he's heard the same word a thousand times.
"Will you come to bed?" I asked as I looked up at him. He nodded, and pulled me against him before leading me back inside to the bed. I let him lay down first, then buried myself in him. Every part of my body touching every part of his.
I just… I don't want to be alone.
"Em." Judson whispered. "We need to talk…"
"Okay." I agreed hesitantly. He pulled back so he could look at me eye to eye. A knot began to form in my stomach.
"We can't keep doing this back and forth bullshit. I'm here for you baby, but I'm not gonna be stepped on. I know you feel like the worlds caving in a round you, and I know you're pushing me away because you're hurting. But its time you realize we're on the same side."
"… And if I don't?" I asked, not to challenge him, but just out of curiosity to see what he would say. What thoughts come to his mind…
"Then I'll leave." He answered without a moment of hesitation.
…..
"We're here to see Erika." I smiled as we walked up to the bouncer outside the door. He eyed Judson and I both. My tight red dress hugged just right and made me seem inviting, but Judson's arm around my waist made the statement I was unapproachable. He nodded and we passed through the roped off entrance, letting the music carry us inside.
"Its loud in here." I nearly had to shout even though I my face was sliding against his.
"Just stay close, place like this looks easy to get lost in." He said back, I noticed that his hand had moved to my lower back, and stayed pressed against me, guiding me through the crowd to the small opening centered around the main bar.
Once there I was finally able to get a look at the layout of the club. There were three stages, all filled with strippers, and then just a little lower in between each stage was a crowded dance floor. To the right and left of us was a stair case, each leading to an upper deck that appeared to be a lounge, also on the upper level right in front of us was a large set of mirrored glass windows. Made specifically so that whoever was up there could see out but that we couldn't see in.
"There." I pointed. Judson turned his head to look up to the windows and nodded in agreeance.
"How do you think we're getting up there?"
"One step at a time I guess… we need to blend in. Care for a drink?" I asked approaching the bar, he half smiled.
"Allow me." He winked. He took my hand and led me up to the bar, he ordered our drinks swiftly and I sat at the stool, leaning forward to get the bartender's attention. Once it was there I summoned him over with the wave of my finger."
"How can I help you?"
"I'm looking for Erika."
"Why is that?" He asked suspiciously.
"We have a… business deal to discuss." I smiled.
"She's up in the office." He said suspiciously before stepping away from me. I picked up my drink and turned back to Judson.
"Got confirmation she's up there, so now we just need a way to get past the ropes." I told him.
"Uhh… I think that's not the most pressing issue we have Em." I turned to see what he was looking at. The bartender I had just spoken to was on the phone, and staring at us.
"Maybe we should go down on the dance floor, blend in for a while before trying." Judson suggested. I nodded. Just as we went to step away 3 men approached us. One from the left, the right, and the other directly ahead of us.
"Fuck." I mumbled.
"Stay behind me and play it cool." Judson said as he stepped in front of me slightly. The three men approached us calmly, but there was an assertive tone in their movements. Definitely body guards… possibly demons.
"Gentlemen, is there a problem?" Judson asked coyly.
"The girl. She comes with us." The blonde headed man spoke, heavy Russian accent carrying his voice over the music.
"Not alone she doesn't."
"Fine tough guy, you can join the party too, now move it."
The man shoved Judson lightly to his right, then he pointed towards the staircase.
"Well, this is one way to get up here." I shrugged as we walked. Judson rolled his eyes at me.
The men led us past the lounge areas, complete with topless waiters, beds, and a number of other sketchy accessories.
"Geez, this place is like the ultimate STD awareness commercial." I mumbled out loud as I slowed my pace to look at it all. A man from behind me pushed me forward.
"Hey! Get your hands off of her." Judson said as he pulled me against his body. The three men only laughed and we continued until we came to a guarded dark purple door. The man at the door nodded to the men behind us, then he opened it and waved for us to come in, this time none of the men followed.
"What the hell…" I said stepping in. There was bright red vintage furniture filling the room, the windows showed the entire club and everyone in it, and in the corner was a small personal bar, fully loaded.
"Welcome to the Black Diamond." A tall exotic woman cooed as she stepped out of the shadows. Her bright blue eyes flashed black for only a second.
"Erika. I've hear so much about you."
"And I you, Emily." I narrowed my eyes slightly. "Yes my dear girl, that's right. I know who you are, and I know what you're doing here."
"Somehow I doubt you've been given the whole story."
"You want a trip to the pit… round ticket, not one way I'm assuming."
"Preferably."
"Sit." She beckoned as she sat in the chair and motioned to the couch directly in front of it.
"Let's be honest to one another here shall we? I'm not looking for trouble. I have made a very good arrangement here and I'd hate for something to disrupt that."
"And by something you mean us. I'm guessing you don't get a lot of hunters, and if you do… they're here for the tits, not the demons."
"That's correct. Now Emily, tell me what it is you seek…"
"My brother."
"Ah, the delectable Dean Winchester. I've never had the pleasure myself, but oh how news of his predicament has traveled."
"Why do you all care so much? Huh?" I asked feeling slightly annoyed at the way she spoke about my brother. Judson reached up and pulled me to sit back, giving me the hint to calm down.
"Forgive me, I meant no offense. The Winchester's are all well known amongst hell. You've sent quite a few demons back there over the last year or so. Let's just say, people talk. So yes. I know where your brother is, and why."
"So can you help me or not."
"I want to… but its not as simple as that." I was caught off guard by how genuine her voice was. If it wasn't for the black eyed introduction I might question the validity of her being a demon… she was different from any other demon I'd met. Not snarky or selfish, but honest and frank.
"Why do you want to help me?"
"Emily let me let you in on a little secret… the currency in hell is souls. But the currency up top is cash. Cold. Hard. Cash. I've got myself settled to the best of both worlds. I transport souls out of hell and in return they work for me. I've started an honest business here, and it provides me with more money than I truly know what to do with. The staff? All demons… their pay is their salvation from hell. I pocket every dollar that enters this building, and let me tell you… its much more than what is costs to keep the lights on and the local law off my back. I want to be left in peace. I know what you've been doing lately to my less fortunate friends, I know what you're capable of, and I don't want to make waves on a placid lake. I help you… you forget all about me. Do we have a deal?"
I sat and considered her words… was she honestly just smarter than all the other demons my path has crossed up to this point, or did she have ulterior motives that I was lacking to see. I looked to Judson for guidance, hoping he felt swayed one way or the other. His eyes were unsure, I got the feeling he was having the same thoughts I was. He finally nodded lightly to me.
"Deal." I said reaching out my hand. Her delicate long fingers reached out to mine and we shook on it.
"How do I get into hell?"
"Well we have one small problem with that… I transport souls. I cannot take you until you've died."
"No way, we're out of here." Judson said standing. He reached out for me. "Emily let's go."
"BUT." She interrupted him loudly, he crossed his arms and stayed standing as I leaned forward to listen to her. "There are ways… ways I have only ever heard of. But I think it may be your best shot."
"I'm listening."
"Devil's gate. Have you ever heard of one?"
"Yes, we opened one… a year or so ago." I nodded. Judson looked down at me concerned.
"If you were to find a way to open the door, then you could enter hell, but once there. You cannot be protected. You will be on your own."
"But we don't have the colt anymore to open the gate."
"My dear that was only one gate, and one key…"
She lifted a long chain off of her neck, on the end of it was a heavy metal key. It was easily over 100 years old, and had intricate carvings.
"This will open a door in the mountains. I do not know its exact location, but I know it's the closest door."
She dangled the key in front of me, I reached out for it
"Wait… the information and knowledge was part of our deal. They key has to be earned."
"What do you want?" I asked trying to hide the desperation in my voice.
"Well you don't have any souls to offer me and I somehow doubt you'd feel well about murder. So let's talk about the other currency."
"You want money?" Judson asked incredulously. "After you just told us you had more money than you know what to do with… you want us to BUY this key?"
"Greed my dear boy. It made the top 7 for a reason."
"I don't have any money." I said confused. "I'm a hunter, you of all people know hunters don't really get paid for what they do."
"Then I encourage you to find another way… perhaps here. Downstairs." She smiled. I looked down through the window at the woman on the closest stage, taking her clothes off one piece at a time.
"Go fuck yourself lady, we're out of here." Judson said pulling me up off the couch.
"Wait!" I pulled back and turned to face Erika again. "Do… Do I have to get naked?"
"That's up to you… although the topless girls do get the most at the end of the night."
"So what I parade around on the stage for five minutes and give you the cash earned… that's it?"
"That's it."
"I get the feeling this is more about holding power over her then it is money." Judson said to Erica with anger painted across his face. She shrugged.
Dammit… none of the demons are ever fucking nice.
Judson came around and stood in front of me, taking my face in his hands.
"Emily. You don't have to do this… We can find another way, okay baby? Lets just go."
"But he's down there… and they're hurting him." I mumbled, my throat constricting.
"Em this is too much, you don't have to do it."
I pulled away from him and turned back to Erika.
"I'll do it."
…..
I went through the pile of skimpy outfits in the private dressing room, deciding which one would be less humiliating. I settled on a black lace set, that mostly covered my ass and my stomach… I looked in the mirror and cringed.
So many scars…
I hoped that the dark lighting would help disguise them, but I knew that anyone close to the stage would be able to easily count them, one after the other.
A knock at the door made me jump slightly.
"Hey, they said you're next." Judson sighed as he came in. I could tell he hated this as much as I did, but… I'd do anything to save Dean. To make things right.
"Okay." I said pushing a small fake smile to my face as I pulled at the skirt, trying to will it to magically be longer.
"Emily." He said softly. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Yeah, of course…" I lied. "Who knows maybe they'll let me take the outfit home for later." I winked at him, trying to play off my self consciousness. But the longer my eyes lingered on his the more I could tell he saw straight through me.
"Em… don't lie to me." He said as his hands slid down to my hips. I dipped my head and leaned it against his chest.
"They're going to see them…"
"See what baby?"
"The scars."
If Erika was looking to humiliate me and make me uncomfortable then she was definitely succeeding, and I think she knew that.
"Hey, look at me." He pulled my eyes back up to his, then he slowly placed his lips against mine, letting this kiss move slowly, subtly, letting it warm me from head to toe. Then he pulled back. "You are beautiful, these scars don't mean anything Em. They don't compare to the way your face lights up when you smile, and I mean really smile, not that fake shit. Or the way your eyes turn amber in the sun. The way your hair gets crazy in the morning and falls over your face… your beautiful baby. Don't let something as small as those scars make you feel like you aren't."
"How did I ever get lucky enough to have you in my life?" I whispered into his ear, my fingers hooking into his belt loops. I slowly kissed a trail along his jaw, until it landed on his lips again. He responded by letting his hands move from my hips to the curve of my bottom, grabbing it in handfuls and squeezing.
"Maybe the outfit would be fun." He chuckled into my ear. I laughed back.
"I don't know if I want you to watch this…"
"Why baby?"
"Because I'm probably fixing to make a fool of myself, and I don't really want you to see it."
"You'll do great… as unhappy as I am about all of this. If you feel like its something you have to do, then I'll back you. Besides, its not like you have to get naked."
"Yeah I know, I just. I feel like a fool just wearing this thing, let alone taking it all back off in front of those people."
"It'll all be over soon, and then you never have to do it again. And really you don't have to do it now."
"Yes I do… It it gets us closer to saving Dean then I'll have to do it."
"Alright baby, I'll wait back stage, okay?"
I nodded nervously and left the room. Walking past the other girls, who all stared. Whispering about me as I past them.
"Hey." One of them called out to me. "The more skin you show the more money they'll give. And remember not to lean too far over the edge of the stage, they get grabby."
"Thanks." I mumbled, trying not to show my fear. That same girl flashed black eyes at me then walked away.
If ever in a million fucking years you told me I'd be working as a stripper in a club full of demons, not only would I have laughed at you... Dean would have killed you.
"Sorry De." I whispered as the music started and the stage manager nodded for me to go.
As I stepped out I could barely see the crowd, lights in my face blocked most of my vision, they flashed from purple to blue to red, and then back all over again. Men cat called and whistled as I walked, but all I could do was stare at the empty stage in front of me… thank god there wasn't a pole on this one, or I'd really be screwed.
I strutted slowly to the end of the stage, pulling at the buttons on my top as I walked, hoping that they went all down the shirt to buy me some time. The hells were too big on my feet and I silently chanted to myself 'do not fall.'
Once I reached the end of the stage I spun and ran my hands along the inside of my waist line, dipping my skirt down enough to show the lines of my thong. I continued uncomfortably to prance and parade around the edge of the stage, tossing my hat, my belt, and anything else I could find to buy myself more time.
But eventually I ran out of things to throw into the crowd and I knew it was time to pull off my shirt. I let my back face the stage as I slowly pulled it off, then back up… then off again, swinging it in the air above me before letting it fall to the ground, the crowd cheered, and I slowly turned to face them.
I moved as quickly as I could, not staying in one spot for too long, but I could tell by the way the crowd got quiet that they noticed…
I slowly lowered myself down to the edge of the stage, pulling at the sides of my skirt and flipping it up as I stood. Hoping to pull their attention away, but the few faces I could see past the spot light were focused on my stomach, my ribs, all the stab wounds and old cuts. Some of the pointed and talked amongst themselves.
I began to feel the nerves over take me, every where I turned their eyes were only focused on one thing… I had to do something to distract them.
So I did the quickest thing I could think to do.
I unhooked my bra in the center of my chest and pulled it off, leaving me exposed, but the crowed turned its attention upward and money began to fly onto the stage at my feet.
I felt violated. Disgusted. Exposed.
But I pushed myself to finish until the music stopped and the lights turned off, leaving me in the darkness to find my way back off of the stage. I tucked my arms across my body and fled as quickly as I could in the shoes I was wearing.
Just as I hit the curtains I stumbled, falling to my knees, leaving me exposed again to everyone behind them. I quickly covered myself and kicked out of my shoes, my bare feet made little to no noise as I ran through the hall, finding my way back to the small dressing room.
Once there I slid down the wall and began to sob.
Erika knew exactly what she was doing… she didn't want the money. She wanted to break me. Do something to destroy what little pieces of myself still remained.
Well, congratulations bitch.
The door opened and Judson quickly pulled out of his button up and threw it around my shoulders. I quickly pulled it and tucked it around my body, trying to cover myself, even though he was the only one in the room.
"Em baby what happened?"
"They were all staring at my scars, and I just… I just wanted them to stop."
"Shhh… c'mon lets get the hell out of here."
Judson picked me up and helped me quickly get dressed, we made our way back into the main crowd, passing some of the same faces I could see from the stage, I hid myself under Judson's arm, who kept me pulled closely to his side as we climbed the steps to Erika's office.
Judson knocked angrily.
She opened the door with a proud spiteful smile on her face.
"They key." Judson said.
"No please and thank you?" Judson only continued to stare at her. "Fine… good luck finding the gate my dear, and remember. Once you're down there, you'll be on your own."
I looked up to her for the first time since we approached.
"Why did you make me do that?" I asked as a single tear fell down my cheek.
"Just because your powerful doesn't mean you run the show, sometimes you have to put people in check. Remind them of their place in the food chain." She reached out and handed the key to Judson. "I just hope you don't forget yours again." She smiled before closing the door in our face.
Judson and I rushed out of the bar and back to the motel, where we quickly packed our belongings and left just incase any of Erika's demons decided to pay a visit. We were driving down the road in the middle of the night, and all I could do was stare at the dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
How ashamed of me would he be right now?
Could it possibly be more ashamed than I am of myself?
I had the strong urge to talk to Sam about it… I had a strong urge to call Sam, and spill my guts to his voicemail, and beg him to come find me. To help me.
But I knew it wouldn't do me any good at this point.
I just want things to go back to the way they were before Sam died… things weren't perfect. But they were good. We had each other, we were making it. I just want that back. I want US back.
The Winchester's against the world.
"What are you thinking about?" Judson asked as he looked over from the road.
"Sam."
"Do you want to call him? We could go find him Em."
"No, it wouldn't matter at this point… he's not ready to forgive me."
"I'm sorry baby, why don't you get some rest huh? I'll drive us north for the night, get us closer."
"I don't know if I can."
"Well just try babe, I'll stop and grab you a cup of hot chocolate at the next stop okay?"
"Thanks." I mumbled, he reached over and kissed my forehead.
Judson kept his word and at the next gas station he pulled in and returned just as quickly with a cup of hot chocolate. I sipped it nice and slow, watching the moonlight dance on the beads of the dream catcher. Dozing in and out until finally I fell into a solid sleep.
…
I stirred, feeling the warmth of a blanket surrounding me. Judson must have carried me into the motel when he finally stopped. I stretched and reached for his warmth, but I came up empty handed. I rubbed my eyes and began to open them.
"What the fuck?!" I said sitting up quickly and looking around my all too familiar room at Bobby's. How the hell did I get here?! How long was I asleep?!
"Judson!" I yelled as I tried to wrap my head around whether or not I was really here or trapped in some odd dream. I heard footsteps come down the hall. I anticipated Judson to burst through the door, and I prepared the next words I wanted out of my mouth.
But when Bobby came through the door I froze, and though my mouth opened, no sound left it.
"Well. Look who's finally awake." He said as he crossed his arms.
I stared at my dear surrogate uncle, feeling guilty. I hadn't taken one call from him at all over the last several days, hell weeks even. Not since the night we left.
To be honest I didn't have the balls, I knew what I was doing wasn't smart, and I knew Bobby would try to convince me to come back, and if I knew Bobby like I think I did. He would win.
"Uncle Bobby I, I'm sorry." I said barely able to push the words out of my body.
"For what? Not calling, not answering? Or for running off in the middle of the night and scaring the hell out of me?" I looked down at my feet and wrung my hands nervously.
"I. I didn't know what to say, I just… I had to go do something after Sam left."
"And you didn't think I would have helped you darling?" Bobby said approaching me.
"I… I haven't been the best person lately Uncle Bobby." I said feeling the tears break through.
"Emily, love is unconditional in this house. You are MY girl, no matter who you've been lately… now come on downstairs when you're ready. There's some things we need to discuss."
I nodded and he turned to leave.
"Bobby wait, where is Judson?"
Part of me was petrified that he would tell me that he dumped me here and ran off.
"Waiting for you downstairs." He answered before closing the door.
I stepped into the bathroom and showered, then dressed and even dried my hair. It was kind of nice to be back at Bobby's, it was the closest thing to coming home that I would ever have.
Once downstairs I found Bobby and Judson sitting at the table, sipping on coffee. I sat down across from Judson, and instantly noticed his posture.
It was stiff… rigid even. As if he was tensed and preparing for something. This can't be a good sign…
"How long was I out?"
"About 14 hours." Bobby answered.
"You drive all night to get us here?" I asked Judson. He nodded, but never looked up to meet my gaze. Whatever this is… it isn't good.
"Are one of you going to tell me what's going on?"
"Well, Judson filled me in on your hunt for finding a way to save Dean from the pit, I gotta tell you darling. It's a little ambitious, and not that I'm not proud of you for working hard to save your brother, but there just isn't a way to bring someone back from the pit."
"Did he tell you about the gate? And the key?! Bobby we FINALLY have a way to get in there! I can go in and get him!"
I looked between Judson and Bobby frantically, getting the feeling this was quickly going to turn against my favor, or better yet… it already had.
"Emily. Getting into hell isn't the biggest part of this problem. What do you think is going to happen once you get down there?"
"I'll find Dean!"
"And what about the hundreds, hell maybe even thousands of demons you'll encounter along the way?" Judson suddenly spoke up and asked vehemently, as if he had kept the thought to himself for so long that he couldn't bear to hold it a second longer.
"I think we both know I can handle a few demons."
"I think you are underestimating them… and who knows if your ability would even work in the pit? Then what… you'd be as good as dead."
"So what? You think you're gonna stop me from going down there?!"
"Now Emily darling calm down, listen to me for a minute… Judson is right. Even if we get down there, we have no way of knowing what we're up against. We don't know how to fight them on their turf."
"Bobby please! We have to do something, we can't just sit here and live the rest of our lives like he isn't down there!" I yelled standing and begging. Bobby turned away from me for a moment before turning back to me.
"It hurts me too darlin, all three of you are like my own. And I can't imagine how bad it hurts you… but Dean wouldn't want this. He would die and go to hell a thousand times over again before he'd be okay with you going down there."
"So what then?! We sit here and act like nothing happened! We just mope around for the rest of our lives and don't try to help him! No… no. I let him die, and I live with that every day but I WILL NOT live knowing I did NOTHING to try and get him back!"
"Emily it's not your choice anymore." Judson said softly.
"Excuse me?" I whispered. Watching him carefully. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair before speaking again.
"Em. I brought you back to Bobby's because we've let this go on for too long… okay? I hoped maybe we'd get out there and you'd see there just wasn't a way to save him, and you'd let this whole thing go. But you didn't… and I'm not letting you go to the pit. I'm sorry. I'm just not."
I stared at him incredulously as he spoke, giving us all a moment of silence as I processed the words that just came out of my mouth.
"And who the fuck are you?! You think you have a say in MY life? In what happens to MY family? You're not one of us! You don't understand… you have NO right to decide what I do with MY life!" I yelled. He sat and took it all without argument.
"I'm sorry Em. It's just not gonna happen."
"Oh fuck you! I'll find him on my own!" I said as I stormed out of the kitchen and pulled the keys off the counter."
"Those won't do you any good." Bobby called out. I stopped and turned to him.
"Oh… so the two of you planned this then? What did you drug my drink at the gas station? Get me back here so that you'd have Bobby on your side? Now you two get to call all the shots?"
"The engine has been disabled… without me that car will never run again, and I'm not fixing it until we're on the same page here darling. I'm sorry."
"Fine then I'll fucking walk!"
"There's a spell… in a book I found while we were looking for ways into hell." Judson spoke up standing and walking towards me.
"… And?!" I asked irritated.
"The spell acts like a supernatural lock down, or… house arrest I guess. If you try and go anywhere beyond 20 miles of this house, then you'll become unconscious. You'll wake right back up a few minutes later, but the point is… we can't trust you not to run off. And even if you did it wouldn't matter. Bobby and I destroyed the key last night. I'm sorry Emily. I didn't want to do this, but. You left me no choice. I promised Dean."
"Shut up!" I screamed. I threw the keys in my hand, they narrowly missed his face before breaking something on the counter behind him.
"I hate you! I hate you so fucking much! I wish I NEVER met you!" I turned to walk out the door.
This can't be happening…
Not now.
Not when I JUST found a way to save him!
"Emily please stop!" Judson ran out after me. Once he caught me he pulled on my arm to spin me around but I yanked it from him.
"Leave me the hell alone!"
"Em baby I'm sorry."
"Don't call me that! You lied to me! You tricked me, and now you- you trap me here?! How dare you!"
"Well dammit Emily I had to do something! You were running towards the edge of a fucking cliff! Ready to jump!"
"So then let me jump!"
"NO! … don't you get it?! We all promised Dean that we would protect you! That we would help you get past this."
"DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM!"
"… I'm sorry Em. I had to do it. For you."
I stood and stared at him.
The one person who I thought was truly on my side, just ripped away every chance I had at saving my brother. Just basically put me in a cage… took away my freedom.
I felt like I was suffocating already.
I felt ready to vomit.
I couldn't even stand to look at him.
"I want you to leave." I told him softly, looking down at the ground.
"Emily baby don't do this…" He said as he reached out for me, but I stepped back and pulled away.
"I said, I want you to leave… So go."
"But Em I-"
"Leave! Judson… just. Just go!" I begged with tears now fighting their way to the surface.
He stared at me, his face mirroring a fraction of the pain I felt in my chest right now.
All this time… all this effort.
And he single handedly washed it down the drain.
Took it from me like a thief in the night.
"I'm sorry Em." He said before he kissed me on the cheek and walked away. I stood in that same spot until I heard the engine of his truck start, and I stood as I watched him drive away.
Part of me wanted to beg him to come back. Chase after him.
The other part however… well that part hoped I never fucking saw him again.