We sat there on the side of the road until the flames became nothing but smolders in the cool night air. We told Judson about Adam… about the ghouls. About Daddy's secret life he kept hidden from us. The entire time he held me like I might slip away forever if he let go.
I could feel it… he's worried. Somethings wrong.
"Well… I think its my turn to do the talking." He sighed.
"Wait." Dean said cutting him off. "Let's go somewhere… somewhere with alcohol please. Then talk."
"Yeah, I'll follow you guys."
"I'm gonna ride with Judson." I looked up to Dean, he smiled briefly and nodded before giving me a hand to pull myself up off the ground where we sat for the last hour.
"Is this gonna be a bar kind of conversation, or a whiskey bottle in a motel kind of conversation?" Sam asked with slight annoyance, but I could see that he too was dying to know what happened. He was worried too.
"Either, its nothing we can't handle… it's just going to be different."
"Different. Great." I sighed as I followed the three men to our ride. Judson opened the passenger door to his truck and helped me climb up. He squeezed my leg before walking around and getting in on his side. I wasted no time before sliding over and making myself comfortable against his side.
"I want you to tell me first…" I whispered after a few minutes.
"Okay… well. Basically, we're both on trial now."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean the council knows that we're involved… Zachariah. When he took things over he decided he would watch us himself, not wait on me to report back. So they wanted me present to answer for that." He sighed. "I'm pretty sure you'll be my last assignment ever… but. I'm okay with that Emily. That part doesn't bother me."
"It bothers me when you call me your assignment…" I said annoyed.
"Right. I'm sorry Em. I didn't mean it like that. I just mean that I will have no issues staying with you from now on, because there's no chance of them sending me somewhere else. Which is good actually." He kissed the back of my hand.
"So what's the bad news."
"The angels are watching for themselves now… I don't know who. When… They are just around. They will still have hearings, there's still a lot of people including Castiel who fight for you. But. I won't be able to censor the information they get anymore. They'll get it all, good, bad, ugly."
"So basically, we're just being watched… at anytime or place. Are they like watching from the sky or what? Should I fucking hide in Bobby's safe room for the rest of my life?"
"I think it's probably similar to what I was doing, they will have people around. Watching, people we don't realize are watching. If we're never out in public then I'm sure they'll find other ways too. They can do damn near anything they want so its hard to say exactly."
"Assholes." I mumbled looking down.
"Don't let this discourage you Em… I think we need to try to push this in another direction. We need some time to see what you can really do. Not based on anger, or fear. But just focus."
"… There's something I never told you."
"What?"
I reached into my backpack that I had tossed in his floorboard and pulled out my water bottle. He drove carefully as his eyes went between me and the road. I poured a small amount into my hand, took a deep breath, and lowered my hand slowly. Watching the water stay mid air in front of me.
Out of my own curiosity I focused on it as well… willing it to move. The small puddle began to separate into smaller puddles, and then into drops. They began to move upward.
One pothole and we both were splashed as my concentration was broken.
"Shit." I sighed.
"No, Em. Baby that's exactly what I'm talking about. That's what we need to pay more attention to. If you can learn to control it, you have a much stronger argument that you're not a threat to them. Have your brothers seen that?"
"Only Dean, it happened for the first time while he was in hell. When he came back he asked how things were going, so I showed him that. Sam doesn't know… I think I was worried he'd tell Ruby about it. I don't want her knowing anything else about me."
"Fair enough." He nodded as we pulled into a bar parking lot behind my brothers. I entangled our fingers and we walked in behind the giants, Dean went straight to the bar. Sam in search of a table. We followed until we found a spot in the back corner, semi private. At least private enough to talk about the angels.
I looked around the room. Wondering if one of them were here now. Wondering who they send to spy on people… other than my fucking boyfriend.
At that I took my seat beside him and pulled my hands to fiddle with my hair.
Dean made his way back to the table with shot glasses in hand. Behind him was a waitress carrying 3 beers and water. I smiled as she slid them down onto the table.
"Alright… break it down for us." Dean said as he swallowed two of the four shots back to back.
"I'm no longer going to be reporting on Emily. Zachariah has apparently been watching… they know about our relationship. I was reprimanded at the council meeting. Pretty much told I would not be taking any more charges… So. I'm here as long as you guys will have me."
"So if you're not reporting on Emily anymore who is?" Sam asked.
"I don't know… they're just. Watching." He shrugged. "They could be people in this room, they could be pumping gas at a rest stop. They could be eating across the diner. Or honestly, they may be watching in other ways."
"Other ways?" Dean challenged.
"They're in Heaven. They can see anything they want from there."
"The why bother sending people like you down here if they can see what they want from up there?" Sam asked with almost an accusing tone. I wish he'd lay the fuck off. I kicked him slightly under the table and shot my eyes at him, he briefly met them before looking away.
"Time is different between here and Heaven… you don't understand the time and effort it takes to be constantly watching someone every moment of every day. Its complicated."
"What else did the council say this time, about Emily. Not you." Dean asked.
"They're still undecided… I told Em I think we should work on her abilities. Practice using them without her emotions being involved."
"I don't like that." Dean shook his head.
"I don't know De, maybe I could help us… maybe I could be better." I looked up to him.
"Em you do help us, every day. I just don't want us playing with fire. I mean literal- fire."
"I've never caught anything on fire."
"But who's to say you can't? After everything else that seems like it wouldn't be out of the question. I'm just saying that the more you get involved with whatever the hell these are, the more they're going to be paying attention. I don't like it. I'm ready to drive you to a cabin in the middle of the woods and have us fucking wait there until someone else kills Lillith."
"No one but us is killing Lillith, Dean." Sam turned to him with a determined, almost obsessive, look.
"Yeah yeah…I hear you."
"I actually don't hate the idea of getting off grid, whether Em works on her abilities or not. I think that's not a bad idea. Lay low, rumor upstairs is the demon activity is increasing."
"Great." I mumbled.
"And the seals?" Sam asked.
"One after another…" he sighed in response. Shit.
"Well." Dean said before swallowing the next shot. "That settles that. Tomorrow we're taking you off the grid kiddo. Lets call Bobby and see if he knows of any safe houses within a day's drive."
"Dean, I want to work on it. Remember the water?" Sam looked between us confused. "I think he's right… maybe this will get them off our backs for a while."
"OR. It will peak their interest and depending on what we find out you can do, maybe their fear too."
I looked down at the table, debating on saying the words outloud.
"Are you afraid of what the angels might think, or are you afraid of finding out what I can do?"
I didn't look up, afraid to meet his eyes. Afraid to see the answer on his face even if he tried to lie with his words. Because the truth was I'm afraid… afraid of knowing the truth. Afraid of seeing what I can do… but I was also afraid that If I didn't find a way to beat these feathery assholes then I was going to be defenseless when they do finally decide to come for me.
I know it's coming… one day. And if either of my brothers weren't so dead set on defending me with their lives then they would know that too. But the denial there is obvious.
"Emily… look at me."
Dean's voice cut into the rambling in my head. But I couldn't bring myself to meet his gaze.
"Emily."
"What Dean?" I mumbled as I looked up and around, only landing on him for a split second before looking off to the side.
"Emily Anne Winchester, I mean it. You look at me right now."
Judson bumped my side. I looked to him, he raised his eyebrows expectantly.
I swear sometimes I like it when they hate each other because at least then they don't gang up on me.
"What?" I said as I finally tore my eyes away from Judson and up to Dean.
"I will never be afraid of you… no matter what you can do. Ever." His eyes didn't flinch even for a second… he didn't waiver. He held my gaze until I could feel the reassurance he knew I needed in this moment. It calmed me, but it didn't clear the thoughts in my head.
"I am… and maybe you should be too." I finally said back.
"No. I shouldn't, and neither should you. Every time your life was in danger your abilities saved you, saved me, saved Sam…"
"Em I know how you feel, but Dean's right. We'll never be afraid of you. Okay?" Sam smiled at me.
"I almost killed Dean. I almost killed Judson. I've killed dozens of demons AND the people they're possessing, oh and by the way incase any of you forgot there is a hoard of angels who want to kill me because I'm basically a demonic science experiment in the flesh!"
"Well that sounds dramatic." Judson coughed next to me.
"Fuck you." I said getting up from the table.
"Em… come on." Sam called out as I walked to the bathroom, throwing a middle finger in the air as I went.
"I have to pee." I yelled back reassuring none of them would get up to follow me.05
I opened the bathroom door and waited for it to close behind me. I walked over to the sink and sighed. The bathroom was empty.
I turned on the sink, and closed my eyes as I leaned over it. I focused, waited. Took a deep breath and when I opened my eyes the droplets of water floated in front of my face. I reached out to touch one with my finger, and as soon as it made contact, they all fell. Splashing me and soaking the counter in the process.
"Dammit" I mumbled before washing my hands and putting some cold water on the back of my neck. I looked up again and noticed a faint red ring around the center of my eyes. I blinked, and just like that it was gone. What the fuck…
…..
…..
…..
"What do you mean Castiel came to you" I asked Dean to explain again as he kept throwing his things into the duffle bag.
"I mean he walked up behind me while I was fishing, in my dreams… he said we have to meet him."
"Dean, I'm not exactly itching to meet up with the angels when we just landed in a safe house. Are you sure you weren't imagining it? I mean there is a dock out back…"
"No, Em. This is different. Somethings wrong. He said it wasn't safe to talk here."
"Great… so what now? We look for another safe house?" Sam asked.
"Actually… I hate to say it, but I think Emily and the kid should stay." Dean said looking up between the two of us.
"Seriously?" Sam and I asked simultaneously. Me with shock, Sam with disappointment.
"I think he's right." Judson said leaning against the kitchen table behind us. "Castiel wouldn't have requested a meeting unless it was serious. I know him. And… if he's trying to do something off of heaven's radar then keeping Emily here will probably throw them off the trail. If they're watching, they'll be more intrigued with what she's doing here than whatever case you and Sam are off on."
"I don't like it." Sam said blatantly.
"I don't either, but I think it's the smartest move we have." Dean sighed.
"We'll be fine De. We'll bunker down, watch some movies. Do a little fishing."
"Yeah I'm sure." He deadpanned at me. I know what that look meant… but what Dean doesn't know is we haven't slept together since we found out about his deal with the angels.
I can't get past it… the mental block of being fucked for information. The part that still lingers in the back of my brain… although I'm sure it's a conversation we'll be having once we're alone. We haven't had much time to ourselves since he's been coming around again.
"Let's just hurry up and go so that we can get back." Sam said as he stood and began packing his bag as well. I looked up to Judson, he nodded to me slightly. We will definitely be working on my abilities now.
"Please call me, keep me updated." I said walking up and hugging Dean from behind. He squeezed my arms where they wrapped around his waist.
"We will Kiddo. You call us or Bobby at the first sign of trouble, okay?"
"Yes sir." Judson nodded.
"And please… I'm not stupid. I know what's gonna happen here. And I'm not just talking about the hormones. Don't push it with your abilities. You wanna play around with a bottle of water, sure whatever. But don't push yourself too hard. Keep me updated on that." Dean said as he tapped my forehead with his finger.
"Will do."
"Love you Em." Sam said as he walked by and kissed me on the top of the head.
"Love you too, Nerd." I smiled at him, he threw back one of those rare real Sam Winchester smiles. I miss him. I miss MY Sam. Maybe he's coming around.
I watched from the porch of the small wooden cabin as they climbed in, started baby's engine, and pulled away leaving nothing but dust behind.
I took a deep breath and turned around to find a pair of green eyes looking at me from the doorway. The way his body leaned against the frame was tempting to say the least. His smirk even more so. If we were alone and not still battling ourselves we'd be naked before the dust settled back to the ground… but instead we're just staring at each other.
"You and Me, all alone… what are the chances of that happening?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Literally none so you better feel lucky." I said as I swayed up to him.
"What do you wanna do first?"
"Hmmm… eat."
"Out to a restaurant, or pick up and eat on the dock?"
"Lunch on the dock sounds nice."
"Let's go into town." He said as he spanked my ass lightly and jogged away.
"Hey!" I yelled chasing him towards the truck.
…..
…..
…..
"I still can't believe you eat that crap." I said wrinkling my nose as he shoved another chili smothered fry into his mouth.
"I can't believe you won't eat anything other than chicken strips… you're a child."
"Whatever."
"Hey."
"What. "
Suddenly the end of his fry was flying at my face, nailing me right in the eye.
"OW! Hey!"
"Emily! You were supposed to stop it." He laughed.
"With what?"
"You stopped a bullet…" he deadpanned. I rolled my eyes and looked away.
"C'mon. Let's try again."
"Fine." I said turning to face him instead of letting my bare feet dangle off the dock.
"Focus."
"Throw the damn fry."
He shook his head at me slightly before throwing the fry straight at my face, I flinched, but this time it stopped before it collided with my forehead. My hands both raised slightly in attempt to catch it in case it didn't stop.
I stared at it, afraid if I looked away that it would fall.
"Em." He whispered. "What do you want it to do?"
I focused on the fry until it slowly began to move upwards, shaking as it went. I hadn't realized that I too was shaking until it finally faltered and fell.
"Shit."
"No, Em. That was good… It's a start."
"It's a fucking fry Jud."
"Well did you want me throw a knife in your face?"
"I want you to stop throwing things in my face, period."
"I want you to loosen up a little bit. You can't work on this if you're stuck in your head." He demanded throwing the next fry back into the bag.
"Well that's easy for you to say, but you don't live in there like I do. You don't know what its like."
"Yes I do."
"Oh? You do?" I said crossing my arms, challenging him as my irritation grew.
"Yeah I do. You forget I know you, Emily. Maybe not quite as well as Dean does, but I know you."
"Yeah. Got it." I rolled my eyes looking away from him. You "know" me because you were told to study me by some self-righteous assholes who also seem to think they know me.
"I know you just looked away from me because all you can think about is the reasons why I know you so well. I know that you don't trust me enough to be intimate with me again…" I looked up to him a bit surprised, a bit more irritated. "Yeah… I could see it on your face the moment Dean made a comment about leaving us alone together. You don't trust me yet… at least not like you did."
"I'm sorry, are we seriously fixing to have this conversation? Are you sure you wanna do that?"
"I don't think there's a better time than now." He shrugged. I could see the irritation on his face that he was trying to control.
"Fine. You're right. I still feel like you fucked me to get information out of me… I don't trust you like I did. And I don't know that I ever will."
He sighed, getting as aggravated as I am now.
"Emily what do you want me to do? Okay… I- I've bent over backwards to be here for you. To show you that you were so much more to me than just an assignment. That everything I said about us was REAL! Push the angels aside for one second and think about all that we've been through TOGETHER! I wanted to be with you, I wanted to stay with you day after day, I WANTED to make things better for you. Why can't you believe any of that? Do you have that low of an opinion of yourself?! Do you think that you're unlovable or do you just think I'm that bad of a person?"
"I swear if you call me your assignment one more fucking time I will shove you off the end of this dock."
"That's the only word you heard wasn't it?... out of all that you only hear ONE thing."
"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!" I yelled standing, he stood toe to toe with me. "What you think I can just forget about it?! Pretend it never happened?!"
"Well yeah when its convenient for you- you just shut it out. You've said it yourself after a bad day. That you just don't want to fight with yourself, that you want to forget it, and then you do! Then you come to me because you want to lean on me, you want me to comfort you, you want me to love you! Why can't you let it go for good if you can turn it on and off like that… why can't we move on from this?!"
"GO FUCK YOURSELF!" I said pushing him and going to walk away. He stumbled, and as I turned he reached out and grabbed my arm.
"Stop running away from this! Stop walking away from me! Either we can move past this or we can't Em… I can't tip toe around it forever and neither can you… we'll never be happy that way."
"Will we ever be happy again? Really?" I asked as I turned and came toe to toe with him again. My eyes watered. My hands shook. I was angry. I was hurt. How DARE he just expect me to let it go!
"… If you have to ask yourself that question then this conversation is no longer necessary." He replied calmly. I could see the pain on his face as he slightly nodded his head and moved to walk past me and down the long dock.
I watched and didn't flinch as he made his way to the end, went back inside, and slammed the door shut behind him. A tear fell down my cheek… I turned back to the small lake and screamed. Frustration. Anger. Pain. Fear. All of it releasing itself from my body.
I waited until the scream began to fade and opened my eyes. The water was increasingly choppy. Waves overlapping each other towards the banks. Splashing my feet where I stood at the end of the dock. I felt my body shaking.
Again I was alone… but this time I wasn't in front of a sink. I wasn't limited to a faucet.
I screamed again and watched as the waves grew from small and choppy to large and violent, smashing against each other. Trees along the banks began to snap, the wind bending them back and forth.
Then it all stopped. It was quiet. The water began to settle… and something dripped down my face. I reached up and my hand stopped the blood that had began to drip from my nose. I reached down to the bag of our half eaten food and dug out napkins, pushing them against my face. My hands still shook slightly. My knees felt like jello.
I felt like I had nothing left… I stood, knowing I needed to get off this dock and back on land before I collapsed. I moved as quickly as I could, and just as I stepped off the dock and onto the grass my legs gave away and I landed on my knees. I pulled out my phone, but as I went to hit the third number on my speed dial my vision blurred, and everything began to go dark.
…..
…..
…..
"Wake up Em… Wake up."
The voice was soft. Calm. It sounded so far away.
"Emily, come on babe."
It got louder, more familiar.
"Judson…" I mumbled.
"Open your eyes Em, wake up." Judson called out calmly as the darkness I rested in faded into soft evening light. I looked up to the vaulted ceiling with wood paneling… the cabin. I turned and found Judson sitting on the coffee table that sat next to the couch I was laying on.
"Hey, you feel dizzy?" He asked me carefully.
"No." I sighed as I pulled myself up. Only slightly lying.
I put my feet to the ground, my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands. Rubbing at my temples and hoping that the dull ache would go away.
"Here." He said handing me a bottle of water. I sipped on it slowly and leaned back. Staring into green eyes. I don't know what to say… I don't know what comes next.
"I thought you left." I finally whispered.
"I thought about it."
"But…"
"But I didn't. I don't want to, Em. I told you I wanted to be with you. I don't know how to walk away."
"I don't know how to fix it." I said softly.
"I don't either… but I guess we figure it out. Or we don't."
"I wish I never saw you leave that hotel room." I whimpered as I stared out the window My lip quivered. "I wish I just never knew. That I still believed I was enough to catch the attention of someone like you. That you saw me in that bar and decided that you had to see me again. That you had to know who I was. That I was… enough."
"Emily… You did catch my attention. I could have stood back, watched from afar like I had done since the day Sam died. Watched from Heaven and kept my distance. Joined you on hunts every once in a while, and just became your friend… but I couldn't. I couldn't keep myself away from you. I tried… I tried so hard. I tried to draw the line, I tried to keep my distance, I tried to chase you away by acting like a dick at the bar that night and again with that tacky blonde. But no matter what I did I kept coming back to you, and you kept coming back to me. It felt… right. I felt like I HAD to be with you."
"Why?"
"I don't know." He laughed humorlessly… He shook his head as his eyes and mind drifted. "I don't know Emily. I just couldn't stay away from you. I loved you. I loved you long before I ever kissed you. Before you ever said those words to me… man when you did that. It just validated it all. I knew that night that I had to find a way to come clean, but I couldn't do that either. I was too far in… I didn't know how to do it without imploding everything we had."
"Well that plan worked out well." I half heartedly smiled, he smiled back.
"I don't know how to fix it either, Em. But I know I want to. I just can't keep tip toeing… I can't keep feeling like I have to spend every day making up for it. I can't live like that… It's been weeks."
"Sometimes I still feel so angry… so hurt." I confessed looking down.
"I know, and I am truly more sorry than you'll ever understand. I'm not saying that you don't have a right to be angry or upset still… I'm saying that I need you to understand that I can't keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Either we're going to fix it, or we're going to go our separate ways."
Before I could speak again, my phone began to ring. Dean.
"Hello?"
"Kiddo… we got a problem. Is the kid around?"
"Yeah he's right here… hold on." I said as I put the phone on speaker. "Okay De, what's up?"
"Castiel is no longer… Castiel."
Judson and I looked at each other confused.
"I'm sorry, come again?" Judson asked.
"Jimmy, is currently sitting in our motel eating about a dozen cheeseburgers. He said Cas is just… gone."
"What?!"
"Dean, that's not good." Judson said. The level of worry amplified on his face. My stomach began to sink.
"Yeah. I didn't figure so… but where is he?"
"Probably in heaven. Being reprimanded. Whatever it is he wanted to tell you, someone beat him to the chase and If I had to guess then they're currently finding persuasive ways to change his mind. They're questioning his loyalty."
"You mean the loyalty Anna said they kill you for not having?" I asked.
"Yeah… It's a big deal. Loyalty equals obedience. If anyone steps out of line then it gets dealt with pretty quick. There's something that the angels didn't want the three of you finding out about."
"Well this is a giant bag of dicks…" Dean sighed. "We're going to keep an eye on Jimmy tonight. He wants to go back to his family tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes."
"Keep us updated."
"Will do."
The phone cut off and I tossed it to the side.
"This is bad, isn't it."
"Its not good." Judson said rubbing his palms back and forth. His mind was racing. I could see it as he stared ahead at practically nothing. I reached up and grabbed his arm.
"Hey… we'll figure it out, right?"
"Which part?"
"… All of it I hope."
…..
…..
…..
"Okay Em. Take a deep breath. Let's try something small… we don't want a repeat of yesterday."
I nodded. Looking down at branch on the old wooden picnic table in front of us. I lifted my hand. Focusing on the branch. As my hand began to shake, the branch too quivered. I pushed… seeing the ends of it jump back and forth.
"Come on…" I mumbled to myself. I closed my eyes and squeezed. Pushing hard.
"Take it easy Em."
"Just a little more…"
"Em. Careful."
"Shh!"
Finally, I threw my eyes open and when I did the branch lifted into the air and hovered a couple of feet from my face. I smiled, and slowly lowered my hand until the branch landed back on the table.
"C'mere." Judson said moving towards me, pushing a small towel against my face. Great… another nosebleed. "I said let's go slow."
"That was slow."
"Em, if you're bleeding then its too much."
"Why can I literally squeeze the life out of a demon and not bleed, but lifting a fucking branch is too much?!"
"Different source of power, Em. Anger. Fear… emotions in general. They're fuel. What you're doing now I think is based more on will power and energy. That's why it takes so much out of you."
"Well then maybe I should get angry."
"Maybe you shouldn't… anger isn't a good emotion to use. Look, I have a theory okay? Don't dwell on it, but just… listen."
"Do I want to know?"
"It's not bad, its just what I think is happening."
"Okay."
"I think that Lucifer turned into something evil because he gave into his fears. His anger. His pain… all of the things that make you feel powerful, I think they did the same thing for him. I think that he let himself become comfortable in those emotions and in that state of mind, and its why he turned into what he did. So I don't think you should let emotions drive your abilities… its effective, yes. Its necessary sometimes. It protects you. But I don't want you to get comfortable there."
"You think I could go darkside?"
"Emily, if that wasn't a risk then the angels would never have asked me to watch you. They wouldn't be so afraid of you. I don't think you are going to go darkside, babe. But I know it's possible."
I crossed my arms and looked down at my feet.
"Em, I said don't dwell on it. Deep down you thought the same thing, just because I agree with you doesn't make it any more real."
"It feels more real."
"You can beat that temptation. You can resist those emotions. You're greater than your fear and your anger. You just have to believe it, and make it happen. Use your abilities for good. Lucifer was an angel. Angels can do amazing things. They can heal people, Em. They help people. They protect people."
"They also judge people and condemn them when they don't understand them."
"Not all of the angels are bad… look at Castiel."
"I wonder how that's going anyways… Dean hasn't called yet today."
"You should text him. Check in. He probably wants to hear from you anyways. And you need to take a break for a while."
"Wanna go for a walk?" I asked.
"Sure. Just… anywhere?"
"There is a couple of trails that run around the lake, I figured we could just pick one."
"Sure, after you."
I led the way to the edge of the woods, texting Dean as we walking. I slid my phone into my back pocket and reached back, linking my hand in Judson's.
I'm trying…
I know I'm not perfect. I know he lied. I know I did terrible things to him while Dean was gone… I know he forgave me. So why am I struggling so much to forgive him? Is this why relationships and hunting don't mix? Too much, too hard, too complicated…
"What's on your mind?"
"Huh?"
"You're mind… you're elsewhere."
"I'm just trying to figure out what comes next. We split… we came back. We've ignored it. We finally had the talk… You've made your stance on the situation pretty clear. So I'm trying to figure out what's next."
"Can you forgive me?"
"Yes… I think so. I. I'm trying to."
Before he could reply my phone dinged, directing our attention.
"Dean needs help… we should go back and pack up."
"Did he say what it was?"
"No. Just said demon issues and sent me an address… I don't know."
"Okay, c'mon."
"I don't mean to keep interrupting this conversation… I feel like we keep getting put on hold."
"I don't know… maybe it's the universe telling us we need to take some time. Not push it."
"Yeah. Maybe."
There was an odd feeling, a small sinking in my stomach. Not the same feeling I had when we found out about Castiel… but a smaller yet lingering ache in the pit of my gut. Feeling like its been hiding there for a while now. Of all the things I've felt the last few days, this one concerned me the most.
It feels like the end… It feels like it's over.
All at once it feels like he's too close, but not close enough. Like he's all around me and I can't breathe, but at the same time I can't reach him.
I feel like I'm losing him.
…..
…..
…..
"Hey, Dean sent a new address. Warehouse a few towns past the first one. He said park a mile back and come in unseen, be prepared to fight."
"That's not good, has he still not said what the hell's going on?"
"No. I tried to call both him and Sam but neither of them answered me. Something's wrong, but I hate going in blind like this."
"We'll just take it one step at a time, get there, assess the situation and go from there. I'm sure if either of them could go into detail they would. At least we know we're up against demons. That's a start."
I knew going into a fight so distracted was dangerous… for us. For my brothers. I've been fighting it this entire drive, but now I knew what I had to do.
"Can… can you pull over for a minute." I asked as my voice shook.
"Yeah, are you okay?" He asked reaching over as he slowed the truck. He used his hand to rub against my cheek. "Em?"
"I can't go into this fight without finishing this conversation… I can't. Put it off. I can't be distracted. I don't want you or my brothers or anyone getting hurt because I can't put our shit aside."
"… Okay."
"Judson. I do forgive you… but I can't pretend like it didn't happen. I love that you're back… that you're around again. I love being with you. But I can't shake it off. This… anxiety. I can't pretend it's not still there, beating on the walls of my brain every day. I get it. Okay, you've said you're sorry. You're done walking on eggshells and apologizing. I respect that, I understand that… but I think we need a little bit of space. If I'm ever going to be able to let go of it I need to process it with a clear head. I can't do that when I'm with you… you make me every bit of logic leave my body because there is a huge part of me that wants to be with you day and night and the consequences be damned."
"Em… Do you want me to go?"
"Not for long. Not far. Not out of touch. But… I think I NEED that space. I don't want you to go. But I need you to."
He looked out the window. Away from me. Nodding his head up and down softly.
"Okay. If that's what you need… maybe that's what I need too. Let's get through tonight, and when the dust settles, I'll go."
He put the truck back in drive. The rest of the ride was silent.
That small sinking ache in my gut was gone. Relieved by finally telling him, and myself, the truth. Saying the words out loud… I need space. I thought I'd had enough space, enough time away from him. But the truth was we jumped back into this too fast… too much. I'm not ready. I wanted to be, I wanted him to come back to me. I don't WANT him to go… but I need it.
And now the thoughts were running rampant.
Would he come back? Is he mad? Did he want this too? Did I hurt him? Does he think I'm breaking up with him? Should I have said it differently?... am I making the wrong decision?
No.
No. I know this is the right choice. I hate every bit of it. But it's the only thing that's felt right between us in days. But I know it hurt him, I know he's questioning everything now. I know it's not getting any less complicated.
…..
…..
…..
"Do you hear that?" I asked as he and I went in through a window on the side of the warehouse.
"Yeah, I hear Castiel… or. His vessel."
"Who's he talking to?"
"I don't know, lets get a good view." He said as he pointed upwards at the catwalk above us. I nodded and we made our way around to a ladder. As we approached the top, I could see Sam and Dean, both being dragged down by Demons. SHIT.
Judson pushed me backwards against the wall. Keeping us hidden in the shadows. Silent. We waited until they were back on the ground before finishing our climb and suddenly we could see everything. Castiel's vessel, a woman circling him as she talked, and a little girl who was tied to a chair. It wasn't hard to piece it together… this must be his family. And there's definitely a demon in that woman. I met eyes with Judson as I watched them shove both of my brothers into view.
"Nice plan, Dean." Sam groaned.
"Yeah, well, nobody bats 1,000."
"Got the knife?" The woman asked turning towards them. One of the demons behind Sam holds up Ruby's knife.
"Shit shit shit!" I whispered.
"Hey, we got this… you watch the three behind your brothers. I'm watching the woman. If anyone makes a move, you know what to do Em. You can control it."
I nodded to him before looking back down.
"And you know what's funny?" The woman turned and asked approaching Dean.
"You wearing a soccer mom?" He shrugged.
"I was actually bummed to get this detail, picking up an empty vessel. Sort of like a milk run. Now look who landed in my lap."
"Yeah, well, you got us, okay? Let these people go." Sam argued.
"Oh, Sam. It's easy to act chivalrous when your Wonder Girl powers aren't working, huh? Now for the punch line. Everybody dies."
What the hell is she talking about, before I could react she lifts a gun and shoots Castiel's vessel straight in his stomach. I jumped with shock, Judson pulled me backwards and held a hand over my mouth.
No, no no no dammit!
"Waste Little Orphan Annie." The woman says to the demon behind Sam as she goes to leave the room.
"I'm going after her, you help your brothers." Judson and I split, going to separate ends of the catwalk before descending.
I hit the last step of the ladder and could hear the struggle.
"Hey assholes!" I said as I pushed myself into the large open warehouse floor. The demon attacking Dean turned towards me and it was all the distraction Dean needed to knock the knife loose from his hands. Dean kicked the knife towards Sam who was also fighting for his life. I reached up and looked at the Demon who was getting up out of the floor and reaching for Dean. I twisted my hand slowly and with that he fell back to the ground and began to choke.
"EM! The girl!" Dean yelled, I turned around to see the third demon preparing to strike the young unconscious girl in the head with a large pipe.
"NO!" I screamed and reached my hand towards them, but before I could react suddenly she was awake and grabbed the pipe in one hand, the other meeting the demon's forehead and in a flash of light he was dead… Castiel.
Dean was suddenly beside me, I could see Judson jogging back into the room from across the warehouse floor. Blood on his hands, but at least he looked unharmed.
I turned to find Sam, he was struggling with the demon, knife in hand. I went to move towards them but Dean held me back… it was then I realized he had sliced her neck, and he was bending towards it with his back facing us.
"… What… What is.." I barely choked the words out as I watched in shock. Sam put his mouth the demon's open neck, and I watched him drink blood like a vampire. My stomach churned. My hands felt numb. I took two steps back without realizing it, bumping into Judson, who held me in place. Grounding me. Suddenly Sam turns to look at us, mouth covered in blood.
He was scarier than any monster I've ever seen.
He looked away from us and plunged the knife into the demon's chest, then he stood. I vaguely saw the woman from earlier limping her way back into the room. Sam turned towards her and held out his hand, black smoke fell out of her mouth little at a time and melted into the floor.
She collapsed… wounded but alive.
"No. Claire?"
I turned towards the sound of dying man.
"Of course we keep our promises. Of course we care. You served us well Jimmy, it is time for you to rest in your true home now.
"No… my daughter."
"She's with me now. She's chosen. It's in her blood, as it was in yours."
"Please, Castiel. Me, just take me. Take me, please."
"I wanna make sure you understand. You won't die or age. If this last year was painful for you, picture a hundred, a thousand more like it."
"It doesn't matter. You take me. Just take me."
"As you wish."
The little girl reached forward, I turned away into Dean's shoulder as the light became blinding. When it faded Castiel stood. No blood. No wounds. And Claire fell to her hands and knees.
"Claire!" the woman called out as she became conscious. They embraced each other, Castiel stood and watched them, then he turned from them and began to walk away.
"Cas, hold up. What were you gonna tell me?" Dean reached out for him as he passed us.
"I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean. I serve heaven, I don't serve man, and I certainly don't serve you." He then turned towards Judson "You should be careful."
We walked outside into the rain, I jogged over to the truck and grabbed my bags. Handing them to Dean as he packed the trunk. Nobody spoke a word.
Judson leaned against the driver door, watching me.
I knew what was next… I was delaying it.
I knew I was out of time. I walked towards him in the cold wet night. As I reached him, I leaned into his chest. I breathed in his scent. Soaked myself in him. His arms wrapped around me.
I cried. I cried because I was afraid this would be the last time I ever got to drown myself in him. I was afraid that he'll realize he didn't want me after all. I was afraid that I couldn't live without him…
"Em. You gotta go baby."
"I know." I sniffled as I pulled away and stood to face him. I fell into green eyes.
"You gonna be okay?"
"I don't know… are you?"
"I don't know."
"Not too far, right?"
"No… not too far. Call me if you need me. I'll be there." He reassured me, but I could see that the smile he forced was half-hearted. It wasn't real. It was just there to mask his own anxiety.
"I love you." I whispered.
"I love you too… Go. They're waiting on you."
I nodded, and then turned as I pulled my hands away from his. He stayed there, leaned against the driver door as I made my way over to Dean. He took note of my red rimmed eyes.
"What's going on, are you riding with us?"
"Yeah, um. He's gonna go for a while." I barely got the words past the lump in my throat. I stared at Dean, his eyes bored into mine. Trying to read my mind, he glanced behind me and then back, I assume trying to read Judson's body language.
"We'll talk about this in the car. C'mon sweetheart."
He planted a small kiss on the top of my head as he opened the back door and I slid in. Losing my grip as he closed the door behind me.
I begged myself to hold it together until we were out of his sight.
"Em, what's wrong… what's going on." Sam asked confused. I shook my head back and forth. He stared out the window at Judson.
"What did he do?" He demanded angrily.
"He didn't do it Sam… I told him to go." I whispered looking away. I could feel both sets of eyes on my face.
Dean knew then what he needed to do, he instantly started the car and pulled out, I turned and looked out the back glass. Watching as he grew smaller and smaller… he didn't move. He didn't look away.
"Em… what happened." Sam asked again. Softer this time.
Broken sobs shook my chest. Sam reached and pulled on my arm, urging me to climb over and sit between them.
"No…" I whispered as I pulled back softly. "I just… I needed some space. I need to think about things."
"Emily you don't have to explain it. You do whatever it is you need to do."
With that I laid down, reaching down and grabbing one of Dean's jackets. Wadding it into a ball and laying down with my face turned towards the back of the seats. I wanted to hide. I wanted to disappear. It was quiet… No music. No talking. The only sounds were the rain against the roof and the soft hum of the engine.
I begged for sleep… but it just never came.
Finally the silence broke.
"All right, let's hear it." Sam finally said. He thinks I'm asleep… so I stayed still. Listened.
"What?"
"Drop the bomb, man. You saw what I did. Come on, stop the car, take a swing."
My stomach dropped once again… the churning coming back.
"I'm not gonna take a swing."
"Then scream, chew me out."
"I'm not mad, Sam."
"Come on. You're not mad?"
"Nope."
"Right. Look, at least let me explain myself. Okay… I need to tell you both, but. I don't want to upset her more."
"Don't. I don't care. She's fine… she's a big girl."
"You don't care?"
"What do you want me to say, that I'm disappointed? Yeah, I am. But, mostly, I'm just tired, man. I'm done. I am just done… and incase you didn't notice. So is she."
Sam's phone rings and puts an end to the conversation.
"Hey, Bobby… Yeah. Yeah. We'll head your way."
Sam hung up the phone before turning back towards Dean.
"Bobby needs our help with something, said 'it's the apocalypse' and we need to get our asses there."
"Okay."
…..
…..
…..
At some point, sleep finally found me. Because someone was shaking me awake.
"Em… kiddo. Wake up."
"De?" I mumbled sitting up. I looked up to see that we were parked at a gas station. "Where's Sam?"
"Bathroom and drinks… Listen. Emily. We need to talk. But we need to do it fast."
"Okay."
Suddenly I was much more awake than I was 2 seconds ago.
"What happened with the kid… I don't need the details. But I need to know the basics."
"We had a big fight… about all of it. It just… finally came to a head." I shrugged. "He said he was tired of apologizing and trying to make it right when I couldn't let it go."
"First off- fuck him."
"Dean…"
"No, ya know what… I'm sorry. Continue…" Dean said as he sighed. The anger rolling off of his shoulders.
"I just… I felt like I was going to choke on the air around me. I- I need some space. I need to think about it when he's not in front of me, clouding my judgement… forgiving him and letting it go are two different things. And I don't think I can do either until I clear my head a little."
Dean nodded, he reached his hand out and I took it. He pulled me out of the seat to stand next to him outside the car. He hugged me, tight. Then he pulled away and got eye level with me.
"It's okay to need space. It's okay if you can't let it go… it's okay if you do decide to let it go. But you make the best decision for YOU. I know it hurts, but you're doing the right thing."
"Its hard…" I whispered not pulling my eyes away from him.
"I know. The important stuff usually isn't easy kiddo… which is why we need to talk, quickly."
"What's going on?"
"I know you saw it… we all did." The look in his eyes made me uncomfortable. It was desperate… it was scared. "We have to help him, Em. It all lines up now… Ruby. His abilities coming back, the way he's been acting."
"De- I know, but what do we do?"
"Do you remember when you were strung out… think about it Em, put the pieces together."
"… He's strung out too… On demon blood."
"We gotta get him clean. We gotta detox him."
"Dean he'll never agre-"
"He doesn't have a choice, Em. I already called Bobby. He's waiting for us… I'm not going to ask you to be a part of this, but I am telling you. Don't be in the way. Don't stop it."
"De, you're scaring me what are you going to do?!"
"He's gotta detox Em. He's gotta go on lockdown."
"Lockdown?!"
"Just… " Dean turned and I followed his eyes, seeing Sam walk up to the register to pay for our drinks. "Emily please. I love you, I love him… I'm begging you, just follow my lead and let it happen."
"Dean I-"
"Do you trust me?" He asked with the most serious look I've ever seen on his face.
"Yes." I replied without hesitation. "You know I do."
"… Good. Then don't stop me."
I swallowed the growing lump in my throat… anxiety crawling up my spine.
"Hey, you're up." Sam smiled at me. "Wanna sit up front with us for a while? We're headed to Bobby's."
"Sure." I smiled back briefly. Thankfully Sam won't question why I'm upset or distant… he'll just think it's Judson related. But now I had something so much more important to focus on… Sam.
How did I miss the signs. It all made sense.
The way he's been acting. Avoiding me for all those weeks while Dean was gone… he was as strung out as I was, he just hid it better.
…..
….
…..
"Well thanks for hauling ass over here. I found some interesting artifacts, threw them in the panic room to be safe." Bobby explained as he guided us through the house. My hands were sweaty… the panic room. Surely he wouldn't… Sam's our brother. He's a person. We can't just lock him up like an animal… right?
"Yeah, you got it." Dean nodded.
"Where's the boy toy?" Bobby turned and asked me.
"Not here." I answered shortly, he stopped and gave me a sad smile before squeezing my shoulder and letting Sam and Dean walk ahead of us.
We approached the panic room and Sam pulled the door open.
"Go on inside. Its on the desk against the wall over there."
As I walked up behind Bobby and Dean, Dean pushed me away.
"All right. So, uh, what's the big demon problem?" Sam asked walking in.
"No.." I whispered. Feeling the panic crawl up my throat.
"You are. This is for your own good." Bobby replied.
"De-" before I could even finish saying his name the door slammed shut.
"No.. NO please De!" I began to cry.
"Emily don't, go… you don't wanna be here for this. Go to your room."
"Guys? Hey, hey. What?" Sam began calling out as he ran to the door with the small window.
"Dean please!" I begged.
"GO TO YOUR ROOM!"
I backed away, Bobby watching me as I went. His face solid and stern.
"This isn't funny. Guys! Hey! Guys?" Sam screamed as I turned back up the stairs. I jogged, faster by the second as I hit the hall way, not stopping until I saw lavender paint on the wall.