Disclaimer: I do not own or profit off of Twilight or the Characters.
A/N: This is… well this is a lot late (sorry!) It has been sitting- almost- finished on my computer for months, but at the time I wasn't happy with where it was going, and life got all kinds of crazy and busy. So, without further ado… here is chapter four. Enjoy!
The moon is high in the sky before either of us move. Edward stirs first, lifting his head from his hands and turning away from me. My gaze follows him as he goes about our surroundings, gathering all my items and placing them back in their spots with the upmost of care.
The last item in his hands is the shirt he had earlier. He stares at it while he speaks, slowly running his fingers over it as he folds it. "I am terribly sorry, for everything. For coming into your life in the first place, putting you in danger, not giving you what you wanted- or even discussing it, for lying to you and leaving you, for coming back into your life again, asking for forgiveness after all I've done to you." His voice is dull, hollow; his eyes are fixated on the perfectly folded shirt.
"Are you leaving?" I ask, my dead heart squeezing in panic. I don't even want to think about the pain I'd be in once he left.
When his eyes meet mine, I see they are filled with venom- tears he will never be able to shed. In their onyx depths I can see how truly sorry he is, how scared he is. His voice breaks when he speaks. "I will do whatever you want me to do."
"Stay," I barely hear myself utter the word, I'm amazed he heard it at all. He nods once but doesn't move from his position by my bags, his fingers still clasped around my shirt. He sighs, though I can't tell if it's in relief or in order to gain control of his emotions. Either way, he looks as heartbroken as I feel.
"Tell me something," I say, "something you didn't want me to know when I was human."
He doesn't hesitate with his answer, "I never told you how desperately I wanted to change you. How hard it was to refuse you when you would ask. The idea of my venom running through your veins…" He tails off and shakes his head softly, an apologetic look on his face. "Who changed you? Alice didn't see."
"Victoria," I whisper. He growls lowly, the sound reverberating against the rock walls. "She's dead now."
Edward looks at me curiously, so I explain. "The wolves got to her, but she had already bitten me. They included me in the treaty they have with you, and they got some of my stuff for me and is taking care of Charlie."
"She changed you intentionally?"
I nod my head. "She came to Forks with the plan to kill me, but when she realized you were gone… she decided changing me was a better punishment. A mate for a mate."
He's quiet for several minutes as he thinks over my words. "But that doesn't make sense; she made you immortal, how is that a mate for a mate?"
I open and close my mouth, unable to say the words. Fear and doubt fill me, beginning to tear open the wound in my chest once again. My eyes travel from his face, to his feet, to the ground beneath them. "She said since she has to live without James, I'd have to survive an eternity knowing I will never be good enough for my mate."
Instantly, Edward is knelt beside me, his hands held out but hovering inches from me, unsure whether he should touch me or not. "Lo- Bella, it is I who is undeserving of you. I am so sorry I ever made you doubt the depth of feeling I have for you. Do you remember the first night you asked me to stay over at your house? Do you remember what I told you the next morning?"
"Kind of, everything is… fuzzy," I instinctively sniff and rub at my eyes again, in an effort to wipe away tears that will never fall. Edward's hand slowly reaches out for my hand, giving me enough time to pull away. I jump slightly at the warmth that spreads up my arm when his fingers wrap around my palm. He begins to pull back and I quickly turn my hand so my palm slides against his, intertwining our fingers. We both exhale shakily.
He takes a few breaths before he continues speaking. "I told you that you are the most important thing to me, the most important thing to me ever. Change… doesn't come easy for us- we are known for being unchanging creatures. When change does happen, it is permanent. You changed me, Bella. Before you, my life was like an endless night. Very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."
I shake my head.
"You don't believe me?" He asks. The pain in his voice stabs at my silent heart.
"It's not that I don't believe you," I insist. "It's just that you're explaining my life without you as well. Even if I had stayed human, my feelings for you never would have changed, I never would have recovered from you leaving me."
"I thought I was doing the right thing. You deserved a chance at a normal human life-"
"And thanks for that," I snarl, suddenly angry. I had forgotten his excuse for leaving. "It was six months of pure hell before Victoria found me."
"You were supposed to move on! You were human, you didn't feel as deeply for me as I did for you- given another year or so, and you could have moved on from me!" His voice was raised slightly though not to the point of yelling like I was.
"How do you know how I felt?" I demand, ripping my hand from his grasp. My elbow collides with the rock behind me and bits of gravel and dust rain down on us. "Did you ask Jasper? Did you ask Esme if she ever forgot about Carlisle after they met briefly?"
His silence is all the answer I needed. "No, you didn't, because you think you know everything, and you took it upon yourself to make decisions that I should have had a say in. Not only that, but you also uprooted your entire family from a place they loved. Was I in danger from your family? Sure- but as you've said before, I am a magnet for supernatural danger. The risk to my life didn't leave when you did. You left because you were scared, and you ran away when things got hard." I breathe heavily after my rant, though I wasn't actually winded.
"I was never equal in your eyes. To you I was still only a human with minimal knowledge, which made you feel like it was okay to make decisions on my behalf with the excuse that you knew better than I did on what was best for me. Jasper wasn't the one that hurt me that night, he wouldn't have touched me as there were seven vampires- maybe six without Rosalie- trying to stop him. You, however, were the one to push me into the table, you were the one to make me feel guilty over a papercut and feel like I ruined the evening on my birthday, during a party I never wanted. If it weren't for you and Alice trying to do what you thought I wanted regardless of my protests, the whole birthday fiasco would have never happened."
Edward's face grows more somber the longer I speak. "You're right. You're absolutely right and I am so, so sorry. I won't happen again."
"No, it won't," I agree. "Because I won't let myself be disrespected like that again. I may not be as knowledgeable as you or your family, but I know what's best for myself more than anyone else."
He nods his head, reaching for me but I step back. It hurts us both, I can tell, but I can't easily accept him back- though I probably would have if I were human. "I can't easily forgive what you've done, nor can I ever forget it. And I know I can't trust you to not do the same thing again when you decide you know better than I and make some drastic decision for me without my consent. You should go for now. If your family decides to come back, tell them I want space for the time being."
He recoils from me and looks as if he's about to protest before he turns and stumbles towards the mouth of the cave, disappearing from view with a quiet, "okay."
I don't respond as I listen to his receding footsteps, wondering how this mess will sort out.
A/N: Before you, my life was like an endless night. Very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything." I took this quote directly from New Moon (page 514 softback) as I saw it fairly fitting as Edward scrambles to convince Bella he loves her and should be forgiven.
Sorry if Bella is giving you whiplash with her behavior in the last two chapters, she is a newborn, she is giving me whiplash too.