Chpt. 18 APOV:

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Christian asks a few days later over dinner.

"Yes, I need to put an end to this bullshit once and for all" I say confidently.

"And you feel comfortable with everything?" Christian asks.

"Yes, Taylor and I have reviewed the plan several times. I sent an email letting everyone know that I am working late at SIP tomorrow so there is no need to set the alarm before leaving. Barney confirmed this email was forwarded to Elizabeth's personal email account only moments later" I answer.

"Andrea has everything booked for the trip to Taiwan next week" Christian explains a few minutes later. "We will leave on Sunday and should return Thursday; I have meetings scheduled on Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning. That leaves us plenty of play time…"

"Hmmmmmm" I kiss him.

"I need to go take care a few things before we go to bed. I'll be in my office," Christian stands up from the table.

"Ok" I say. "I have a few things to take care of as well."

Christian spends the next couple of hours in his study, I'm sure it's a combination of getting work done before we leave as well as his concern over everything planned for tomorrow. I've noticed he tends to shut down when he worries too much, preferring to be by himself than around others. I figure the best thing I can do right now is give him space, he isn't the only one nervous about tomorrow. I try to reassure myself that nothing is going to happen tomorrow; Taylor has been very thorough in covering all of our bases. Sawyer and Christian will both be in my office long before Hyde arrives; Taylor isn't happy that Christian is going to be there but Christian left him no choice. When I arrive tomorrow morning, I will have a stun gun and knife in my purse which will be placed in my desk in the event that Hyde makes his way to my office. Sawyer will be armed, as always, and Christian is relying on his kickboxing training should Hyde get to him.

"DAMN IT!" I hear Christian scream and something bounce of the wall in his office.

I laugh…Christian seems to enjoy taking his frustration out on inanimate objects. Ros has joked him about the number of phones he has ruined over the last few months alone just from his anger. I would be scared, but I know that Christian doesn't take his anger out on people; he would never hit me in anger. He has taken his frustrations out in the playroom, but nothing that ever resulted in me using a safe word.

"Christian?" I open his door slightly.

I can see he is on a conference call and his office is in shambles. I shut and lock the door behind me, but Christian doesn't seem to notice as his focus remains on the computer screen and listening to whoever is on the other line. I walk up next to Christian, glancing at the computer screen to make sure this isn't some type of a video conference before dropping to my knees in front of Christian's chair. He barely glances at me, but leans back in his chair as he talks on the phone. I unbuckle his belt, unbutton his pants and gently pull them down with his assistance. His erection isn't as hard as it normally is, but I can tell he is quickly getting aroused despite the stress and frustration from this call. He gasps as I take him completely into my mouth without touching him first. My tongue explores his erection, which is quickly hardening in my mouth. He puts his hand on the back of my head, holding me close to him as his erection lengthens in my mouth. Within seconds he is rock hard, hitting against the back of my throat but Christian doesn't allow me to move.

"Gentleman, we will continue this conversation in the morning something has come up that I need to take care of" Christian hangs up the phone.

"Ms. Steele….where were we?" he asks, pulling me slightly from his erection.

"Hmmmmmmmm" I moan around him.

He suddenly pulls my head down forcefully, his erection hitting the back of my throat hard causing me to gag. He holds me close, not allowing me to pull back; I struggle to relax my throat around him. My reflex kicks in; I swallow around him and the gagging stops. Just as I swallow, his hips thrust into my mouth further pushing him deeper into my throat. His balls bounce against my chin as he remains deep inside of me.

"You feel so good like this" he moans.

He moves my head back slightly, only to thrust back in deeply this time I'm expecting it and manage not to gag. This pace continues for what feels like forever, but is likely only a matter of minutes. I can hear his breathing increasing along with the pace of his thrusts; I know he won't last long.

"Oh God Ana….." he screams.

I feel him swell in my mouth as he pulls back a final time, thrusting harder and deeper into me than before. I quickly swallow as he thrust his hips up while pulling my head down screaming my name as he empties himself in my throat. I struggle to swallow but he holds my head in place so I have no choice but to take everything he is giving me. He holds me there for several minutes, slowly moving my head up and down as I continue milking him, his orgasm finally winding down.

"Wow" he pulls me up, kissing me deeply.

"Feel better?" I smile.

"You have no idea" he sighs. "I don't know how you knew, but that was exactly what I needed."

"You sounded like you were a little stressed out" I giggle.

"Come on, let's go to bed" he pulls his pants back up before we leave his office.

We head upstairs to Christian's bedroom, getting ready for bed before we crawl into bed naked. Christian wraps his arms around my waist, pulling my back to his front and I can tell by his breathing moments later that he is already fast asleep. We haven't talked about it but with Hyde likely getting caught tomorrow, the risk is gone so I will have no reason to continue staying here with Christian. I'm saddened by this fact; I've really enjoyed being around him all the time, even when he is stressed out about work. We have really become close these last few weeks, I don't know if we would have become so close had we not been living together. I don't know how Christian feels about me moving out, but he hasn't said he doesn't want me to. Unless he brings it up, if Hyde gets caught tomorrow and isn't granted bail I will move my stuff to my apartment when we return from Taiwan next week. I'm definitely going to miss falling asleep in Christian's arms.

"Nooooooooooooooo" A scream startles me a few hours later.

Christian is thrashing next to me, his arms and legs are flailing everywhere as he continues to moan. He is mumbling but I can't understand what he is saying; he continues to thrash about not responding when I call his name. I try to cuddle next to him, remembering it seemed to help last time but he is moving too violently for me to get close to him.

"CHRISTIAN!" I call his name louder.

"MOMMY! Help me please!" He begs. "Make him stop!"

My heart is breaking just hearing what he is going through. I sit up, shaking his shoulders and calling his name but still get no response. Christian rolls onto his back but his arms continue to flail about as if he is trying to hit someone or something.

"Mommy! It hurts" He cries out.

I need to do something, I cannot bear to hear him in this nightmare – it's killing me thinking of what he must be remembering. I've seen the scars on his chest and back; I've assumed he experienced some type of physical abuse as a child but he has never mentioned it. His legs stop moving as he continues to sob and try to push something away. I take brief pause in his movements to try something to wake him up; knowing I could likely get thrown off the bed and hurt but I need to do something and nothing is working right now. I climb on top of him so I am straddling his hips; I take his wrists firmly in my hands and placing them next to his head. He struggles against me for a few minutes but as I tighten my grip on his wrists and around his thighs he begins to stop thrashing.

"Christian?" I call his name as he quiets down.

"OWWWWWWWWWW!" He screams out suddenly, nearly pushing me off of him.

I hold him down again, gently running my lips along his cheek as he sobs. I bravely put my lips against his, hoping this doesn't startle him too much more. I'm trying to keep my chest off of his, but it's not the easiest thing to do while holding him down.

"MOMMY! HELP ME!" he sobs.

"Christian! Baby, wake up" I whisper gently into his ear.

I feel his body relaxing under mine as I continue to whisper his name in his ear, reassuring him that he is okay and no one is going to hurt him.

"Christian….wake up" I whisper.

"Oh Ana," he sobs into me and I quickly release his arms.

His arms engulf me, pulling me close to him, holding me as if he is afraid I'm going to leave him. I can hear him silently crying which breaks my heart further. I want so badly for him to talk to me about his nightmares but he never seems to want to discuss it.

"She didn't stop him" he sobs.

"Oh baby" I whisper, holding his head close to me not knowing what else to do.

"She didn't love me enough to stop him" he cries. "Why didn't she stop him?"

"I don't know Christian" I sigh.

"If she loved me she wouldn't let him burn me with his cigarette!" He says angrily as I feel him tense below me.

"Shhhhhh….it's not your fault" I try to comfort him.

"Maybe I wasn't good enough…that's why didn't love me" he whispers.

"There is nothing wrong with you Christian" I assure him. "I love you."

"What? No….if she couldn't love me how could you?" he questions.

"Baby….I don't know what was wrong with her that she couldn't protect you but there is nothing wrong with you" I say.

"There must be…why else would a mother not love her own child?" he asks.

"Maybe there was something wrong with her that prevented her from protecting you, but baby there is nothing wrong with you. You are a kind, gentle, compassionate, loving man whom is doing everything possible to protect me" I answer.

"But…." He sighs.

"But nothing Christian" I interrupt. "This is not about you, this is about her."

"Oh Ana" he pulls me closer to him, hugging me tightly.

"Shhhhhhhh…" I whisper into his ear. "Everything is going to be okay, they can't hurt you anymore. I won't let anyone hurt you again Christian."

"Don't leave me Ana" he begs.

"I'm not going anywhere" I assure him, deeply touched by his request. "I love you Christian."

"Noooooooooo you can't" he whispers.

"I do Christian….and I know you feel it" I say confidently. "The connection we have, that we have had from the first night in Taiwan…I know you feel it too."

"I do" he admits.

"Did you ever feel the connection with the other subs you tried while we were apart?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

"No, I couldn't….I wasn't able to perform with them" he blushes in admission.

"You don't seem to have a problem performing with me" I smile.

"No," he sighs.

"You know as much as I do what we have is much more than a dom/sub relationship" I point out.

"You will never be just a sub to me" he says firmly.

"And why is that?" I prompt.

"I don't know" he sighs. "I feel so connected with you, I could never see you as someone I just fuck. With you it's more than just sex."

"Because you have feelings for me" I add.

"Yes" he admits quietly.

"I know that for whatever reason you don't think I can love you, but I do" I smile against him, kissing his cheek as he holds me tighter.

"I….I love you too Ana" He whispers.

My heart nearly stops at his realization; never did I expect to be having this conversation with him anytime soon. I think I've known for some time now that I loved him; I didn't want to admit it fearing that it would complicate things between us. Christian pulls my head up, looking deeply in my eyes before his lips find mine. This kiss is different; it's full of emotion as if we are both trying to convey our love for one another without words. His hands roam my body; I quickly remember we are both completely naked as I feel his erection start to stir beneath my sex. When I climbed on top of him during his nightmare I paid little attention to where I sat, focusing more on making sure I didn't touch his chest. Since he woke up from his nightmare though he's been holding me against his chest tightly, I realize.

"Ana….I need you" he moans grinding my sex against his now rock hard erection.

"I'm yours Christian" I rock my hips against him.

He lifts me up, bringing my nipple to his mouth; he sucks hard and the feeling immediately goes straight to my sex. I can feel myself getting wetter by the minute as I rock against him, feeling how much he needs me. I reach between us, grasping his erection and guiding him to my drenched sex. He moans as I slowly push my hips down allowing him to slip into me. No matter how many times he is inside of me, I never get used to how large he is; I feel him stretching me as I take him in deeper.

"You feel so good" he moans.

"Only for you" I assure him.

I slowly move against him, bringing him slowly in and out of me as he kisses me deeply, our tongues exploring each other's mouths. I can feel the orgasm quickly building; I moan loudly as Christian lifts me up moving himself in and out of me faster with more intensity.

"Ohhhhhhhhh" I moan. "You feel amazing."

"You are so tight….I love the way you grip me" his words nearly push me over the edge.

"Come for me baby" he says.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I scream as the orgasm takes over.

Christian continues moving in and out of me but at a slower pace allowing me to ride out my orgasm. After a few moments, he quickly rolls us over so he is on top of me never breaking our connection. My legs wrap tightly around his waist, pulling him deeper into me needing to feel him closer to me. He takes my hands in his, pulling them above my head as he begins to thrust into me slow and deep. His eyes never leave mine, making our connection so much stronger as I can truly see how strongly he feels for me. Christian continues at the slow, deep pace for some time and I can feel another orgasm building again. I am truly surprised at the intensity of my body's reactions with Christian; nearly every time we have been together I have had multiple orgasms. I don't know if it's Christian's body or this emotional connection we have had but I never felt anything like this before.

"Oh God" I moan as Christian thrusts deeply into me.

"Come with me baby…I want you to come with me" Christian begs.

He thrusts into me several more times before I feel him swell inside; knowing he is close to find his own release triggers mine and I scream in pleasure as I feel him release himself in me. He rolls us back over so I am resting on his chest, never breaking our connection. His arms wrap around me tightly, holding me close to him as our breathing slowly returns to normal. I glance at the clock, realizing we have to be up in a few hours for work before closing my eyes listening to Christian's heartbeat. Christian must sleep peacefully the remainder of the night because when I wake up later we are in the same position we fell asleep in. Looking at the clock I see we have at least an hour before the alarm is going to go off; I'm surprised I'm awake already given the events of the night before. I begin to wonder why I'm awake, when I feel Christian twitch inside of me and suddenly the realization of what woke me up is clear. Feeling Christian twitching inside of me is a feeling I don't think I could ever get used to. I squeeze myself around him, which results in an immediate response of him hardening inside of me. The unexpected movement quickly turns me on; I gently rock my hips against him several times and until he is fully erect inside of me.

"Hmmmmmmmm….I could get used to waking up like this" he moans.

"Me too" I kiss him deeply, rocking against him.

"I love waking up inside of you" he pushes me up so I'm sitting on top of him.

"Ohhhhhhhh" I moan, this position has him deep inside of me.

"Ride me baby" he says.

Christian plays with my nipples as I move myself up and down against his hard erection. I start of slow, but quickly increase the pace as I feel the orgasm rapidly approaching. Christian pulls me slightly forward, resting my hands in his chest; moving up and down against him in this position puts more pressure on my clit.

"Oh baby" I yell as he pinches my nipples roughly.

"Not yet….come with me again" he says.

"I'm so close" I beg.

"No…not yet" he moans.

"Harder and deeper" he instructs.

I comply with his request, nearly lifting myself off of him before slamming back down which pushes me almost to the edge. His hand is firm against my hip encouraging me to continue this pace while his other alternates between rubbing and pinching my nipples. I'm thankful when I hear his breathing increase knowing he is close to his own release as I don't think I can last much longer.

"Come with me Ana!" He screams.

We both scream out in passion together as we find out release.

"Christian?" I say a few minutes later.

"Yeah?" he asks.

"Can I ask you something?" I whisper.

"Anything" he says.

"When we first met in Taiwan you told me not to touch your chest and your back" I pause. "But…."

"You're the only one" he interrupts. "No one has ever been able to touch me like you have. Having you here, laying on top of me right now just feels so right."

"No one?" I ask surprised.

"No" he answers.

"What happened to her?" I ask, hoping he doesn't shut down.

"She overdosed on drugs when I was four, her pimp found me with her dead body" he shudders below me at the memory. "I was taken to the emergency room severely malnourished where Grace was the doctor on duty. Her and Carrick adopted me shortly thereafter."

"It was her pimp who hurt you?" I ask.

"Yes" he sighs.

"I'm so sorry Christian" I kiss him.

"Let's not talk about it please" he begs.

"How about we take a shower?" I suggest.

After an eventful night and morning with little sleep, Christian and I get ready for work and the day ahead of us. Today is the day we are going to try to catch Hyde; I'm not nearly as nervous as I thought I would be. I think it's likely because nothing is going to happen until closer to the end of the day; we don't expect him to be stupid enough to show up when there is an office full of people. As the morning progresses, Christian and I get ready in silence both of us clearly thinking about later today.

"Good Morning Mr. Grey, Ms. Steele" Taylor enters the kitchen.

"Taylor, please call me Ana" I insist.

"Yes Ana" he sighs clearly not entirely comfortable calling me by my name. "Would you like to review the plan for today again?"

"I think I understand it" I say. "Sawyer is taking me directly to SIP this morning under the disguise of a staff meeting this morning. Christian is going to happen to stop by with lunch today as a surprise. I'm going to send Stacy home early so she won't know if Christian leaves or not. Christian will spend the remainder of day in the office with me. Around four the delivery truck will arrive where you will meet the additional security who are working tonight."

"Correct" he agrees. "Barney will be monitoring all cameras from GEH throughout the day, he has facial recognition software being ran on every person who walks through every entrance of the building. This will immediately alert him to Hyde's entrance."

"I still don't like this" Christian grumbles.

"It'll be fine Christian" I squeeze his hand.

"Are you ready to head out?" Taylor asks.

I glance at Christian and nod, this is when we go our separate ways but I know it will only be a matter of hours until I see him again. Christian pulls me against him, kissing me deeply before he leaves with Taylor. Sawyer and I leave a few moments later heading to SIP, I haven't spent an entire day here since the pictures were delivered to my office. Stacy has been wonderful at keeping me up to speed with everything and thankfully Sawyer has been back and forth between the two offices making the transition easier.

"Good morning Ms. Steel" Stacy greets me.

"Morning Stacy" I reply.

"The editors are in the board room waiting for you" she says.

The meeting lasts for a couple hours as each editor presents their recommendations for publishing this month as the others provide their feedback. Ultimately I review any manuscript that doesn't have everyone's full support in publication and make the final decision. We all agree with most of the manuscripts presented which leaves me three to take with me to Taiwan next week to review while Christian is in his meetings and while on the plane.

Forgot to tell you I love you –C

I love you too –A

I smile at the simple text from Christian, thinking how far we have come in the last few months. We have only been together a short time, but since I've been staying with him we have become so much closer. Last night was a moment I will never forget; from the heart breaking nightmare Christian had to his confession that he didn't think anyone could love him because his own mother couldn't to our confession of love for each other. We made love for the first time that night although thinking back I think we've made love before without the confession of emotions. I think we have a nice balance between our time in the playroom and our time in the bedroom; I like that Christian isn't in dom mode every time we are intimate. I don't think I'd be able to handle that.

"Ms. Steele?" Stacy interrupts my thoughts.

"Yes?" I ask.

"Mr. Grey is here to see you" she smiles.

"Oh, what a nice surprise! Please send him in" I try to act surprised.

"I brought you lunch Ms. Steele" Christian smiles walking in.

"Wonderful! I'm starving" I laugh as I close the door behind him.

"Everything okay?" he asks kissing me.

"Yes…it should be quiet for another few hours" I sigh.

"There's still time to change your mind" he suggests.

"No, we need to do this. I want Hyde caught once and for all" I say firmly.

"I just hope he isn't granted bail" Christian replies.

"One step at a time, first let's get him arrested" I say.

"Then onto Taiwan" he smiles.

"Hmmmmm" I moan at the memory of our time there.

"You keep moaning like that I just might take you here" he says pulling me from my thoughts.

"Shhhhh….these walls are too thin!" I exclaim.

"You're lucky I have work to do" he smirks.

We spend the next couple of hours working, neither of us discussing what is going to happen tonight. I think we are both avoiding it; there's not much more to talk about anyway. We have gone over the plan several times; I see Christian constantly checking his phone and I can only assume Taylor is keeping in contact with him about everything going on.

"Stacy?" I open my door.

"Yes Ms. Steele?" she asks.

"Can you fax these, mail out these envelopes and then file these? Once you are done, you can leave and get an early start on your vacation" I request.

"If you don't mind Ms. Steele, that would be wonderful! I'm not quite packed for my trip yet" she admits.

"No problem, enjoy your week off" I say closing my door.

Christian types away on his phone again, likely informing Taylor that Stacy will be leaving shortly. I glance at the clock…we should have at least two more hours before most of the staff start heading out. I've noticed everyone tends to leave around four on Fridays, which is fine with me as long as everything is done. There are a few editors who stick around closer to five but I don't expect anyone here beyond that time.