Chpt. 38 APOV:
"Do you want to talk now or tomorrow?" Christian asks.
"Tomorrow, I'm tired," I sigh.
"I need to make a few calls," Christian says a few minutes later. "Sawyer is right outside the door if you need anything, I will only be across the hall."
"It's fine, Christian; I'll be fine," I assure him as he kisses me on the cheek and leaves the room.
The moment my eyes clothes, I am quickly brought back to the dark dusty room where he brought me. I can feel the wood against my skin whenever I move, I can feel the belt hitting my back over and over again. I can hear him asking me if I'm going to submit to him over and over again as he hits me harder with the belt. I can't get the images, the smells or the feeling of the belt hitting my back out of my head. I don't know how I will ever be able to forget what he did to me. How will I ever move on with my life? How will I ever be able to go into the playroom with Christian again? After everything that just happened I can never see myself allowing Christian to hit me with a belt or a riding crop like he did. If I can't go back into the playroom with Christian, what does that mean for our relationship? So much of who we are is based on our connection in the playroom; hell that reason we even met was because of BDSM. There are so many times when one of us needs a scene especially when things are spinning out of control at work; what will happen if I can't go back into the playroom? What will this mean for my relationship with Christian? How can I be everything he needs if I can't go back there?
I must fall asleep at some point because when I open my eyes again the sun is shining brightly through the hospital windows. The uncertainty I felt the night before finds me once again as I look at Christian sleeping on the pull out sofa next to my bed. Looking at him, I see the man that I love deeply, the man that I have grown so incredibly close to and the man who is about to be tied to me forever by the baby we have created. However, looking at Christian I am also reminded of his dominate side, the side of him who craves control. I know at that moment that he will never be satisfied with not having control in the bedroom but if I'm honest with myself I don't know that I am going to ever be satisfied with not giving up control in the bedroom. But the thought of being hit like he hit me scares me to death; the thought of being tied to a cross and beat sickens me. I'm so torn; I've enjoyed the dominate side of Christian so much in fact it is one of the things I love most about him. It's such a big part of who he is, it's not something that I can ignore.
"Morning baby," Christian sits up and kisses me on the cheek.
"Morning," I reply.
"Did you sleep well?" he asks.
"Pretty well I guess," I admit though I don't feel well rested.
"I'm sure you will sleep much better in our bed tonight," Christian smiles. "Hospital beds are so uncomfortable."
"About that," I take a deep breath. "I'd like to go back to my apartment today, when I'm discharged."
"What? Why?" Christian quickly sits next to me on the bed, his eyes full of concern.
"I just need some time to….with everything that has happened I just need some time alone," I admit.
"Ana, please baby….please come back to the apartment with me," Christian begs. "Please let me take care of you, to love you…whatever you need I'll get it for you – anything!"
"I just want some time to think about everything that has happened, to figure everything out," I say.
"Ana, please," Christian's eyes plead with me. "You can have all the space you need in my apartment; I'll turn a spare bedroom into anything you want. Please don't leave me, please Ana."
"Christian, I just need time…a lot has happened," I sigh. "I love you, I love you with all my heart but right now I need time alone."
"Ana," he cries. "I've never felt like this about anyone before, I can't lose you."
"Baby, please just give me some time," I beg. "I'm not leaving you, I just need to think about everything that has happened and figure out what it means."
"You're not leaving me?" He whispers.
"No, I just need time," I say.
"Did something happen last night?" he asks suddenly.
"Last night, no," I answer confused.
"I don't get it," he sighs. "It's seems like this is coming from out of no where…I don't get it."
"Christian, please I love you and I will always love you," I squeeze his hand. "I just need some time to figure everything out."
"Sir, ma'am," Taylor quietly interrupts us several minutes later as we both sit in silence not knowing what else to say.
"Good Morning Taylor," I say as Christian disappears into the bathroom no doubt to pull himself together so Taylor doesn't know what just happened.
"If this isn't a good time-" Taylor says.
"It's fine," Christian answers coming out of the bathroom.
"Ana, Mr. Grey said you might be able to help us sort out the connection between Adam and Mr. Grey," Taylor says sitting in the chair next to Christian.
"Yes," I take a deep breath.
"Are you sure you're ready? This can wait," Christian asks concerned.
"No, I'm ready," I sigh. "Adam had no direct connection to you Christian; you didn't do anything directly to him to cause this."
"Are you sure?" Christian asks his voice full of surprise.
"I'm sure," I assure him, knowing that Christian was likely trying to find a way to blame himself for what happened. "You know he was sort of obsessed with me after he saw me at the club that one time. He admitted that he looked me up on the internet and tried to find out where I lived and worked but couldn't figure out how to get around our security initially. Jack and Adam were old friends; they initially met in a detention center when they were teenagers but remained very close after that apparently were even roommates for a few years."
"Jack Hyde? What does that bastard have to do with this?" Christian interrupts.
"His death is what caused all this," I sigh. "Jack hated me because I fired him from SIP, he made that known from the beginning. Jack also hated you Christian-"
"We could never figure out what he meant by Christian took something from him years ago," Taylor admits.
"According to Adam, Jack and Christian were in a foster home together-" I began.
"What?" Christian gasps.
"I don't know if it's true, but Adam said that you and Jack were in a foster home together briefly before you were adopted. Jack had been in that home for a few years before you arrived; he felt that he should have been adopted instead of you," I explain sadly.
"That's what he meant by I took everything from him; he thought he should have my life," Christian whispers in realization.
"I think so," I squeeze his hand knowing that he is blaming himself right now. "I guess at some point Jack and Adam were in a detention center for a while and became pretty close. When they turned 18 they lived on the streets together and eventually rented a place together. Adam kept saying that Jack was his only family; he blamed both of us for killing Jack. Apparently the fact that I had fired him and was dating you just fueled Jack's hatred towards the both of us."
"And when Hyde died it was the final straw for Mr. Martin," Taylor says.
"It seems that way," I agree. "He never said anything that would tie him to Christian except Jack. He blamed both of us Christian for Jack's death; he believed that had I not fired Jack that he would still be alive. His plan was to make me submit to him, taking me away from you so you could feel what he was feeling. He was then going to go after your company and your family until you had nothing…"
"That bastard," Christian mumbles.
"Thank you for this Ana, I know it wasn't easy," Taylor says as he leaves the room.
"Ms. Steele?" a nurse walks in before Taylor even has the door shut. "Your discharge paperwork has been processed and you are free to leave when you are ready."
"Thank you," I take the stack of paperwork from her and start reviewing it before I sign it.
"Here's a list of upcoming appointments you have as follow up, nothing for about a week to check on your stitches and how your bruises are healing. The doctor wanted me to remind you to make an appointment with a therapist-" she says.
"Ana has an appointment on Thursday with Dr. John Flynn in Seattle," Christian informs her.
"Very well, there's also a prescription for pain medication if you need it. Do you have any questions?" She asks.
"No," I answer.
"I will let Taylor and Sawyer know that you are cleared to leave," Christian says quietly.
Over the next few minutes while Christian is talking to Taylor and Sawyer I change into clothes that Taylor had brought the day before and wash up thankful to finally be leaving the hospital. As I undress I can truly see the damage that he did; my body is covered in cuts and bruises. I carefully take off the bandages covering my wrists and ankles, gasping at the rope burns that cover my skin. Just seeing the marks immediately brings me back to the dusty room, tied to the cross as he beats me with the belt over and over again while screaming at me that I need to submit to him. Suddenly I feel him against me, his hands wrapping around my waist pulling me close to him as I desperately try to get away from him but I can't – he is too strong and just holds me tightly.
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhh" I hear him say into my ear which confuses me. His tone is soft; he is not screaming at me any longer. Slowly opening my eyes, I realize it's not his arms around me but it's Christian's; he is holding me against him on the bathroom floor gently rocking me back and forth.
"I….uh….." I stutter trying to say something but I can't seem to get my body to cooperate.
"It's okay….he can't hurt you again," Christian whispers softly.
Christian and I just sit on the bathroom floor as my breathing slowly returns to normal; Christian doesn't say anything but just holds me close to him. I'm so confused, I absolutely love this side of Christian – the side of him who is loving, caring and wants to take care of me. At the same time though, I can't forget the dominate side of Christian which is such a strong part of who he is. I don't think that he would ever beat or hurt me the way that Adam did; but I can't see ever wanting him to hit me even if it wasn't with the force that Adam did. I don't know how I could ever be what Christian needs again; I can't expect him to change for me – he can't change who he is or what he wants and needs.
"Thank you," I whisper.
"Are you sure you're okay? Should I get a doctor or a nurse?" Christian asks.
"I'm fine," I sigh sadly, realizing this is likely something I'm going to be dealing with for a while.
"I wish you would come home with me," Christian whispers.
"I know Christian, please just give me time," I beg.
"I'm not going anywhere Ana, I'm going to wait as long as you need," he vows kissing me gently. "I love you so much, you will never know how much my life has changed since we met."
"I love you Christian," I whisper holding the tears back as my heart breaks with the thought of returning to my apartment alone even if it's something I know I need to do.
"Mr. Grey? Ana?" I hear Taylor call from main room.
"One moment Taylor," Christian says firmly.
"I'm okay," I whisper as we stand up slowly.
"Whenever you're ready, we can go; there's no hurry," he assures me before stepping out of the bathroom and closing the door behind him.
The car ride back to Escala is long and quiet, Christian and I don't say very much to each other – there's just not much to say that hasn't already been said. I know I need to talk to Christian more about what I'm feeling but right now I don't even know what it is that I'm feeling or thinking. I'm dreading what that conversation would look like because I know Christian would try to convince me that he can give up BDSM for me but deep down I know he couldn't. He needs the control; he's said over and over again how much engaging in a scene helps him feel more in control. I know exactly how he feels because it's the same for me when we are in a scene; for me giving up that control provides allows me to focus better on other areas of my life that might be chaotic at that time. The thought of giving up BDSM scares me; I haven't been involved with the lifestyle for very long, but even in the short time it has helped me tremendously and I have enjoyed it. I have never felt more cared for, loved or sexually satisfied before; with Christian everything is different. However, now when I think of the playroom I can't help but fear some aspects of it. The thought of being attached to a cross again terrifies me, the thought of being hit with anything sickens me even if I know Christian would never hurt me.
"We have arrived," Taylor announces a few hours later.
"Ana…." Christian sighs as we get in the elevator and I enter the code to my floor.
"Please Christian," I whisper, begging him to let me do this.
"If you ever need anything, even in the middle of the night, please promise me that you will call me," Christian says as we stand in the foyer of my apartment.
"I promise," I assure.
"Sawyer is still assigned to you, he will take you to work, to your appointments or anywhere you want to go," he informs me.
"Christian, I don't think-" I argue.
"Please Ana, if I can't be with you I need to know that you both are safe," he begs. "Elizabeth is still out on bail and who knows if Adam was working with anyone else."
"Okay," I agree even though I don't see there being a risk, I just don't want to argue with Christian.
"Thank you," he sighs obviously expecting more of an argument. "Anything you need Ana, anything at all…for you or the baby, if either of you need anything-"
"I know," I whisper.
"Please talk to Dr. Flynn; even if you would rather he refer you to someone else, please just meet with him on Thursday. He won't tell me anything you say, he's already warned me that your sessions are completely confidential," he says.
"I'll see him," I agree.
Christian kisses me deeply on the lips, his arms wrapped tightly around my waist, before he silently leaves my apartment. Tears fill my eyes as I fall to the floor against the door, pulling my knees against my chest as I rock back and forth hoping I don't regret this decision. This has to be one of the hardest things I've ever done; I know to move past this I need to figure things out for myself. After a few minutes of sitting on the floor, I convince myself to get up and walk around the apartment I haven't been in for months. I silently thank Christian for having Gail stock my kitchen with full; I don't think I could go food shopping right now even if I wanted to. Walking through the apartment, it's exactly how I remember it and seems just as empty as it was when I stayed here for a few days before Christian and I moved in together permanently. It's not for lack of furniture, since all my belongings were delivered from New York, it's a different empty feeling.
After applying the waterproof bandages to my stitches, which wasn't easy by myself, I filled the tub with warm soapy water and climbed in. For the first time since Christian and his team found me, I am able to feel clean. Once the water turns cold, I get out of the tub and change into a pair of pajamas and sweatpants. I'm thankful that I still have clothes here and don't need to ask Christian to have all my stuff moved from his apartment; I don't know that I could handle that – the thought of moving out seems final and I don't know that I'm ready to go there just yet.
Sleep doesn't come easily; I toss and turn most of the night, the images of Adam permanently burned into my memory but at the same point I can't help but wonder what Christian is doing right now. Is he sleeping? Is he having a nightmare? Is he worrying about me? Finally around three, I finally fall asleep and manage to stay asleep until my alarm goes off at six for work. I had considered taking the day off but since I haven't been to the office all week, I know the work is piling up. I send Sawyer a text, requesting he take me to work and he immediately replies that he will be waiting for me. Although I have no appetite, I force myself to eat a muffin that Gail had made as I know the baby needs food. Arriving at the office, I find a large beautiful bouquet of flowers on my desk which Stacey said were delivered very early this morning before she arrived. A small smile forms knowing that Christian likely hand delivered these when he came in this morning seeing that it is still very early and most florists aren't even open yet.
Thinking of you, missing you terribly.
I love you.
Christian