Chpt. 39 CPOV:

I've barely reached my apartment and I already miss Ana; it's taking everything in me not to turn around and go back to her apartment and beg her to move back in with me. I don't understand why she suddenly wants to move out, why she wants time to herself but I know I need to give her what she wants given everything that she has been through. I immediately call Flynn and explain what just happened, he assures me that he will meet with her as scheduled on Thursday but encourages me to just be there for her while she is dealing with everything. He doesn't seem to understand that what he is suggesting I do is the exact thing that Ana is not letting me do right now! How can I be there for Ana if she doesn't want me to near her? God, it was so hard leaving her in her apartment; all I wanted was to pick her up and carry her to my apartment. Hell, if she wanted her own space I could give her an entire floor in the penthouse to herself as long as it meant that I could still see her every day and know that her and our baby are safe.

"Mr. Grey," Taylor interrupts my thoughts a few moments later.

"Yes?" I ask abruptly.

"The playroom has been cleared out as you requested, what would you like done with the room?" he asks.

"I don't know," I sigh. "Turn it into another guest room I suppose; have the room painted in warm colors."

"Yes sir," Taylor says surprised; all the guest rooms are painted white. I don't know why I want the room painted in warm colors as opposed to the standard white that every room in the penthouse is painted. All I know is that the playroom needed to be removed after seeing what that bastard did to Ana; I don't see how either of us could ever come into this room again.

As hard as I try, I can't sleep – instead of nightmares about my mother and her pimp, every time I close my eyes I see the images that the sick bastard sent to me of what he did to Ana. I see her tied to the wooden beams as he beats her over and over again with belt screaming at her to submit to him. I am disgusted by his actions and what he did to her. Her beautiful body will likely now be scarred by the beating he gave to her. The first time I saw him at the club with that young girl I knew that he was no good, that he would ultimately give the lifestyle that Ana and I have explored together a horrible name. After lying in bed for several hours, I realize there is no point in trying to sleep; Taylor and I go for an early morning run which helps clear the images from my head at least for a few moments. Taylor manages to find a florist who is willing to open early for me so I can pick an arrangement up for Ana. Sawyer informed us that she has requested he take her to the office, which disappoints me because I would have preferred her to take at least a few days to recover from what she just went through. As Taylor and I arrive at GEH, I immediately go into her office, sitting at her desk to write out the card. A small smile forms as I look around her office, seeing pictures of us everywhere, at least I know that if we can't be together right now that hopefully these pictures will remind her of all the happy times we have had together. I have no idea what to say on the card, so I write a brief message simply telling her that I miss her terribly and head to my office. Taylor doesn't say anything but he smiles at me sympathetically as he follows me to my office.

As hard as I try to concentrate on work over the next few days I can't stop thinking about Ana and wondering what she is doing, what she is thinking, worrying if she is eating or if she is sleeping enough. Sawyer keeps Taylor and I informed of Ana's whereabouts but other than work and Dr. Flynn's office, she spends most of the time in her apartment. He insures that she eats every day, including bringing her lunch from her nearby favorite deli if her schedule doesn't allow her to eat. I continue to deliver flowers to her office every day, each bouquet with a different message reminding her how much I love her. I have long sessions with Flynn, he doesn't tell me anything about what Ana's sessions are like but he confirms that she is seeing him several times a week. I am relieved to know that at least she trusts Flynn to see him and reassured that she is at least trying to work through everything that happened. Flynn tries to get me to focus on my own reaction to the situation with the bastard that took Ana but I just want him to tell me how to get Ana back which of course he refuses to do.

"Christian, darling you look horrible," Mom says as she greets me at her door after a particularly heated session with Flynn which ended in me walking out of his office halfway through the appointment.

"I should have called," I realize.

"Nonsense, come in," she grasps my arm leading me into the great room.

"If you're busy I can come back-" I mumble.

"I am never too busy for my children," she assures me. "What's going on? Is everything okay? Is Ana okay?"

"I don't know Mom," I burst out as my eyes fill with tears.

"What do you mean you don't know? Isn't she living with you?" she asks confused.

"No, she moved out – she left me," I sob.

"Wait, start from the beginning…tell me what happened," she requests.

"The day she was discharged from the hospital she told me she wanted to go back to her own apartment," I pause remembering the conversation vividly. "She said she needed time with everything that happened."

"Did she say she was leaving you?" Mom asks cautiously.

"No," I sigh. "She told me she loved me, told me she wasn't leaving me but that she needed time."

"Why do you think she left you then?" she asks.

"It's been three days, she hasn't called me, texted me or tried to communicate with me at all! What if she has realized she wants to leave me but can't figure out how to tell me? I can't lose her Mom, I just can't!" I say as the tears fall down my face.

"Have you tried to contact her?" Mom asks.

"No," I admit. "I'm trying to give her space like she wants; I don't know how much longer I can handle not talking to her. I need to know that her and the baby are okay, that she's safe and taking care of herself. I need to see her, to hold her close to me, to sleep next to her at night; I love her and need her back in my life."

"But what does she need?" Mom whispers.

"I don't know!" I exclaim angrily.

"Yes you do," Mom points out. "What did Ana tell you she needs?"

"Time, she asked me to give her time," I sigh. "But what if time is what it takes for her to realize I'm not good enough for her? That she doesn't love me-"

"Why wouldn't you be good enough for her?" she interrupts.

"I….I don't know," I whisper. "If she couldn't love me when I was little how Ana love me?"

"Oh Christian," Mom pulls me into her for a hug. My body tenses briefly, but eventually I relax into her hold as the emotions overwhelm me. "I'm sure your mother loved you, she was just too sick to take care of you or to take care of herself. Your father and I loved you from the moment we set eyes on you and still love you. I know Ana loves you, I can tell by the way she looks at you son. Don't think so little of yourself, I have a feeling you are exactly what Ana needs."

"So what do I do Mom?" I ask a few minutes later.

"You give her time, you wait for her," she says firmly.

"That's it? Just wait? There has to be something else I can do," I mumble.

"Ana has been through a horrible ordeal son, no one but Ana knows what it was like when that monster had for all those hours. I can't imagine what Ana went through, although her injuries should painted an awful picture of the beatings that she was given. Give her some time to process everything; she is probably struggling with the guilt that she must feel on top of the memories of her time with him," she says.

"Why would she feel guilty? She didn't do anything!" I exclaim.

"If I were to bet, she probably blames herself even if just in a small amount for not being strong enough to break away from him or for letting herself get taken to begin with," Mom points out.

"But he was so much stronger than she is! The size difference alone…she didn't stand a chance!" I point out.

"You and I both know that, but Ana probably doesn't see it that way," she says.

"UGH!" I sigh heavily. "So I just sit by and wait?"

"Be patient son, she'll come back to you," she says.

"Are you sure?" I whisper.

"Yes, that girl loves you; I've seen it with my own eyes," she says confidently.

"I hope you're right," I sigh.

The thought of Ana blaming herself for what happened both angers and sickens me; the last thing I want Ana to be doing is blaming herself – she had no control over what that fucker did to her! I'm angry because Ana should never have been put in a position that she should have to feel guilty for not being able to stand up to someone who is larger and stronger than she is. Ana is a strong person; I've seen her command a board room of people she has never met, I've seen her stand up to Hyde when he threatened her plus to gain the professional success she has at such a young age is not something that happens to someone who is weak. I'm sickened at the thought of what that bastard did to her to make her feel guilty; at the thought of what he must have said to her to make her think so low of herself.

As I lay in bed thinking about everything my mom said and everything Ana said at the hospital, I can't help but wonder if BDSM has something to do with Ana wanting space. If that's the case I wish she would just talk to me about it, I could tell her that I am prepared to give it up for her. I don't need BDSM; I just need Ana in my life. The playroom is gone; after seeing the video and pictures of Ana I immediately knew hell would have to freeze over before I ever tied Ana to a cross or hit her as a punishment again. If Ana were to tell me she could never engage in BDSM again, I know that I would be satisfied with vanilla sex for the rest of my life as long as it meant having Ana in my life. Our time outside of the playroom is just as meaningful to me as our time in playroom. If Ana chose to leave me, I know I would never go back to BDSM; that is something her and I will always share.

APOV:

The weeks pass by slowly, the flashbacks and nightmares of that awful place still haunt me almost every day and I find myself sleeping less and less. A fresh bouquet of flowers is on my desk every morning, each card contains a simply but meaningful message from Christian. I've been seeing Dr. Flynn several times a week now and he has helped me sort through some of my mixed feelings about what happened and about BDSM in general. At first I was nervous about talking to him about my sex life with Christian, but once he told me that he was aware of how and where Christian and I first met, I knew that Christian at least felt comfortable discussing the lifestyle with him. I was surprised that he didn't judge me or the lifestyle, instead urged me to focus on several key components that make any relationship successful including trust and communication. The last few sessions have really focused on my need to communicate with Christian as well as my need to trust both him and myself. There is no doubt in my mind that I trust Christian completely and always have; Dr. Flynn has helped me with several strategies to remember my trust in Christian when we discuss needing to communicate more openly. I've been surprised at some of the sessions with Dr. Flynn, including the last session in which he helped me see that I was feeling guilty about what had happened – something that I did not think was possible. The more we explored my anger towards the situation, the more I realized I was also angry at myself for letting him take me and for not being stronger to escape before he had the chance to beat me.

I haven't spoken to Christian since I was discharged from the hospital; I don't know what to say to him or where to even begin. Thankfully, Dr. Flynn has helped me with some of this and we have agreed to try a joint session with Christian later this week. Although I tried to get Dr. Flynn to ask Christian to attend the appointment himself, he felt it would be best if that request instead came from me. I have asked Andrea to schedule time in Christian's schedule for a brief meeting with me later today but have asked her not to alert him to the appointment. I tell her it's because I want to surprise him, but it's a precaution in case I change my mind and can't go through with talking to him. Dr. Flynn has told me that he has met with Christian since the kidnapping but refuses to tell me what he has discussed with Christian. I am reassured though that at least Christian is talking to someone about everything that had happened; I can't help but worry about the toll all of this is taking on him. I feel horrible for putting him through this on top of the kidnapping, but I know I needed to figure things out on my own in order to move forward.

Sawyer carries the bag of take out from the nearby deli that I asked him to pick up for me as we take the elevator for the short ride to Christian's office. Taking a deep breath, I step off the elevator, taking the bag of food from Sawyer and knock on Christian's door.

"What?" his voice bellows angrily from behind the door.

I glance at Andrea but she urges me to go inside; once again oblivious to his outburst. In that split second, I'm reminded of when I brought him lunch shortly after SIP moved into his building where he had nearly the same reaction when I entered his office carrying take out. I blush at the memory of the scene we had in his office that day…

"WHAT!?" he calls out impatiently again.

"I…..I brought lunch," I mumble as I close the door behind me.

"A-Ana? What…." He stutters as he walks towards me, stopping immediately in front of me. His hands grasp mine and I can tell he is fighting with himself on what to do and what to say.

"I was hoping we could have lunch together," I whisper almost afraid that he will reject me.

"I've missed you so much Ana," he whispers, his head leaning against mine.

"I've missed you too Christian," I say as tears fill my eyes.

Placing a hand on the side of his face, I bring his head up so I can see his eyes. His eyes are full of sorrow, sadness, confusion and most of all love. I slowly lean in, wanting him to know what I'm going to do incase he wants me to stop, when he doesn't move I place my lips gently against his. He gasps in surprise and I slowly feel his arms wrap around my waist pulling me close against him. Dropping the bag of food to the floor, I wrap my arms around his neck my tongue coaxes his lips and immediately he grants me entry. The kiss quickly deepens; it's as if we are both pouring our emotions into the kiss saying everything that we can't find the words to say. In this moment, with Christian's arms wrapped around me, I forget everything that happened and just feel the love this man has for me.

"I can't believe you're really here," he whispers.

"I know, I am so sorry," I say breathlessly.

"You don't need to apologize, baby; I'm just so glad you are here," he assures me.

"Do you want to have lunch with me?" I ask cautiously, still uncertain of how he feels about everything that has happened.

"Of course, anything for you," he picks the bag up off the floor and leads me over to the table. I take off my suit jacket and immediately hear Christian gasp.

"What? Is something wrong?" I ask, glancing at my attire. The bruises are completely healed from my wrists and ankles; thankfully no scars are visible from the restraints. There are a few scars on my back that I doubt will fade but I'm grateful they can be covered by clothing.

"You….Wow…." he says.

"Oh," I giggle realizing he is staring at my belly which is now just getting to the point that you can see if I'm wearing more fitting clothing. "When my jacket is on you can't see it, but when it's off…"

I take his hand and firmly press it on my belly as he stares at me in awe. I immediately feel guilty for taking this away from Christian; we may have only been apart for a few weeks but in this moment I realize just how much my body has changed in that time to accommodate the baby. For the most part I'm still able to hide my pregnancy from people; outside of our families and security Stacy is the only one who knows we are expecting.

"How are you feeling? How is the baby?" he asks as we sit down.

"The doctor says the baby is doing well," I answer, avoiding his first question. "I have another ultrasound in a couple of weeks I was hoping you would be able to come with me to."

"Is something wrong?" he asks immediately concerned.

"No, everything is fine," I assure him. "It's a standard ultrasound that they do with everyone at this point. She said we could find out the gender of the baby at that appointment if we wanted."

"Is that something you want?" he asks.

"I don't know," I admit. "Do you?"

"Maybe," he smiles.

"Well we have a couple weeks to decide, but you'll come with me?" I ask.

"Of course!" he answers quickly.

We fall into a somewhat comfortable silence while eating our sandwiches; I take this opportunity to take a good look at Christian. Of course he looks just as handsome as ever, but I can tell by the bags under his eyes that he hasn't been sleeping as well as he has in the past. He also looks like he has lost some weight but it's hard to tell when he is wearing a suit.

"Christian," I take a deep breath before getting to the real reason I came to see him today. "I needed to ask a favor of you-"

"Anything Ana, you have to know I would do anything for you," he interrupts quickly.

"I have an appointment with Dr. Flynn on Friday," I pause. "I would like for you to join me for that session."

"With Flynn?" he asks surprised, I simply nod in response. "Of course I will go with you; why the joint session?"

"Dr. Flynn has helped me a great deal since I started seeing him," I smile thankfully at him. "There's a lot that you and I need to talk about that I've asked him to help with. He has agreed to the joint session as long as you are agreeable."

"I'll be there," he says nervously. "Just tell me this isn't your way of breaking up with me Ana…please tell me that you're not going to leave me and want Flynn to be there when you do."

"I'm not going to leave you Christian," I assure him, squeezing his hand tightly. "There are some things that we need to discuss after which you can decide if…."

"There's no decision, Ana….I'm not going anywhere," he assures me but I can't help but feel uncertain about what is reaction will be when I tell him what I want.

"So you'll come Friday at 6?" I ask.

"Yes, of course," he kisses me on the cheek.

"I have to go, I have a call in a few minutes I need to be on," I stand up without letting go of his hand.

"Thank you for this Ana," he says. "You don't know how much it means to see you today."

"I love you Christian," I say slipping out of this office before he can even respond.