Chpt. 18: Christian's POV
"Wait….what?" I ask. Tell me I did not hear her correctly. "What do you mean you haven't had any sexual partners before?"
"Christian, I'm a virgin," she answers.
I am stunned; I kind of assumed she was inexperienced but never would I have guessed she was a virgin. We just sat here having an in-depth conversation about the BDSM lifestyle and she's never had sex before. I'm sitting here talking about orgasm denial and sexual toys, neither of which she knows anything about!
"Wait…" I say pausing. "How did you know about BDSM then?"
"Kate dated a guy once who was into it so we googled it one night," she says shrugging.
"So all you know is what you found on google?" I ask.
"And what you just told me," she replies.
"I had no idea," I apologize.
"Of course you didn't," she giggles. "It's not like I had a neon sign on my forehead that announced I am a virgin."
"Yes I suppose you don't," I laugh. "I think it's been a very long night, maybe we should get some sleep?"
"Yeah, I'm exhausted," she yawns.
"I don't want to assume…." I say slowly, realizing while she agreed to spend the night with me tonight I don't know if she wants to share my bed with me. "I would love sleep next to you again, but if you are not comfortable for that I have a spare bedroom you can stay in."
"I would like very much to sleep next to you again," she answers quietly. "If you don't mind."
"I don't mind at all," I say inwardly cheering that I can spend the night next to this beautiful woman again.
I lead Ana upstairs to my bedroom and tell her "I want you to know that you will be the first woman I have ever had in my bed. No one has ever been in this room before; well except Mia, my mom and Gail but none of them have slept in here of course."
"The other women….the subs….they never slept in here?" she asks surprised.
"No, they were never permitted in my room. I had a playroom where the scenes would occur and then they stayed in a spare bedroom. For the most part they were only here on weekends and rarely during the week," I answer.
"You said you had a playroom?" she asks.
"Yes, here I will show you," I say taking her by the hand and leading her down to the end of the hallway.
I open the door and lead her into the now empty room which has since been painted white.
"Why? What happened?" she asks clearly surprised to the find the room empty.
"I asked Taylor to have the room torn out the day after Christmas. Everything is gone. I've known for a long time that I wanted more than just the lifestyle but on Christmas night I talked for a long time with my parents about everything. They helped me realize that what she did was wrong and I knew every time I would step foot in this room I would be reminded of Elena. I don't need this room anymore so I asked Taylor to have it destroyed. When Elliot comes back he is going to start remodeling this room but it will never again be a playroom," I explain.
"You're sure this is what you want? How do you know you won't need it again?" she asks as we walk back to my bedroom.
"I don't know how to explain it," I say sighing. "I just know it's not something I want to be involved in again."
I show Ana the attached bathroom and give her one of my t shirts to sleep in. I see the awe in her eyes as she takes in the bathroom especially the large soaking tub which is built for two. I've never had a woman in the tub but when I had it installed I always pictured myself enjoying it with someone. It just never felt right to invite any of my submissive into my personal space like this. I don't say it, but I vow to share the soaking tub with Ana one day.
We climb into bed together and I pull Ana close to me resting her head on my shoulder. After everything I told her tonight I can't believe she didn't run screaming. I'm afraid I'm going to wake up and this will all be a dream, that Ana did not come here and did not spend the night with me. As tired as I am I force myself to stay awake and just relish in the moment of having Ana in my arms and in my bed. It just feels so right; I can't imagine having anyone else here. I know that no matter what she tells me tomorrow it will change how I feel for her.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" I wake up suddenly hearing someone call out.
"Please don't….don't hurt me" Ana mumbles and I see her thrashing about on the other side of the bed.
"Please….no…." she says fearfully.
I'm frozen; I don't know what to do. I know that when people have tried to wake me from a nightmare I have lashed out and even punched Taylor a couple times. When you are in the throes of nightmare you have no sense of reality and think that someone touching you is part of the nightmare. I don't know how Ana will react but I need to do something; I can't stand to see her suffering like this. Whatever the nightmare is about it's obvious that she is afraid and in pain. I try calling her name several times and loudly but nothing works.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" She yells out thrashing about like she is trying to get away from someone.
I call her name again, no response. I try shaking her shoulders, no response. I move closer to her on the bed and force my arm under her shoulders and bring her against my chest. We are both lying side by side, pressed against one another as she continues to whimper and say 'no' over and over again. Just then there is a knock on my door and Taylor comes in with his gun drawn; he must have heard Ana scream and thought something was wrong. I shake my head at him and given the look in his eyes it's clear he understands what happened and he quietly leaves the room closing the door behind him.
I hug Ana closer to me and quietly hush her trying to find a way to comfort her. She is still asleep and I'm not sure she is aware that I am holding her as every few minutes she struggles against me. I continue to hold her tightly and after some time the whimpers stop. I take a deep breath and kiss the top of her head which is now covered in sweat from her nightmare. I hold her against me the rest of the night but I have a hard time falling asleep. Seeing her in the middle of the nightmare makes me dread what she is going to tell me tomorrow. I want to know so we can find a way to move forward but I'm afraid to hear what happened to her at the same time.
"Good Morning," I say to Ana as she begins to wake up.
"Morning Christian," she responds. "Did you sleep well?"
"I did," I lie, not wanting to tell her I've been awake since her nightmare.
"So did I," she says. "I haven't been sleeping very well this last week which I guess caught up with me last night. I slept really well next to you again."
She must not remember the nightmare and I vow not to bring it up. She was kind enough not to ask about the nightmare I had when I spent the night with her so it's only fair that I not even tell her that she had a nightmare last night. Today is going to be hard enough, I don't want her to have that hanging over her head.
"How about some breakfast?" I ask as she comes out of the bathroom.
"Sure…um do you have something I could wear under this shirt?" She blushes. "I wouldn't want Taylor or Gail seeing my undies."
"We would not want that," I laugh and hand her a pair of shorts that should fit her.
"Good morning Gail" I say walking into the kitchen.
"Good Morning Mr. Grey, Ms. Steele," Gail says placing coffee and tea in front of both of us.
"Thank you Gail," Ana says surprised that Gail would know what she preferred.
"Will pancakes be okay this morning?" Gail asks.
"That's fine Gail," I answer.
"It should only be a few minutes," she says as Ana and I take our drinks to the dining room.
We eat our breakfast quietly as I don't think either of us knows what to say. We both know the conversation that is about to occur but neither of us want to bring it up especially not over breakfast. I reply to a few emails as I finish breakfast and Ana continues to push her food around her plate. After a few minutes it becomes clear that Ana is not going to finish her breakfast. She hasn't eaten very much which normally would upset me but I'm sure her nerves are making it difficult to eat this morning. I tried reassuring her last night that nothing she tells me today will change how I feel about her but seeing her like this right now, I don't think she believes me. I vow to show her that nothing will change.
"Are you finished?" I ask.
"Yes," she answers quietly.
"Another cup of tea?" I ask.
"No," she answers. "Can we just get this over with?"
"Of course, let's go into the great room," I say taking her hand and leading her away from the table.
We sit next to each other on the couch and I put a throw blanket over her legs so she doesn't get cold. She hasn't made eye contact with me since we started breakfast which makes me worry because I can't tell what she's thinking. I put my fingers under her chin and lift her face so I can see her eyes and they tell me everything I need to know. She is scared, beyond scared.
"We don't have to do this," I say.
"Yes we do," she replies sadly. "I want you to know."
"Ana, nothing will change how I feel about you," I say. "You have completely changed me since you bumped into me a couple months ago. I find myself thinking about you every day and looking forward to seeing you whenever I can. I look forward to our texts and late night calls. I am falling for you and nothing you are about to say will change that."
"We'll see," She says taking a deep breath. "My life was perfect before my dad died. He traveled a lot for work but always spent all his time with us whenever he was home. He never complained about work or being away from us even though he would always tell us how much he missed us when he was away. My mom was wonderful then too; she was involved in all my school events and was even president of the PTO for my elementary school. It was truly as if we were the perfect family."
"But then everything changed," she continues after a brief pause. "My dad was killed by a drunk driver in the middle of a work day when he was traveling for work. That day my entire world as I knew it changed. My mother fell into a deep depression and rarely got out of bed. This went on for several months before she decided to start dating again. I thought this was a good sign thinking she was trying to get on with her life even though I hated the idea that she was trying to replace my dad but at least it was better than her being depressed. She dated a few guys and eventually got married to a man named Bob. He was actually a very nice guy and tried hard to please my mother but she never really seemed happy. I didn't mind him; he was always nice to me. They divorced after two and a half years of marriage. After the divorce my mom jumped from guy to guy and state to state, the next guy she was with she married and divorced about a year later. It was around this time that she started drinking pretty heavily; she showed up one night telling me she had flown to Vegas and got married. That night we picked up moved and moved to Texas to move in with this random stranger she had known for 24 hours. He introduced her to recreational drugs and I would often find them smoking pot when I got home from school. They divorced six months later after she cheated on him with a guy named Stephen that she met at a bar."
"Do you need to take a break?" I ask after a few minutes of silence, squeezing her hand.
"No, I need to do this," she answers taking a deep breath. "She married Stephen the week after her divorce from Michael was finalized and we moved to California. Stephen had no job; he supposedly had been injured at work, sued the company and received a rather large settlement that he lived off of. Since he didn't work, my mom didn't work either and they both just lived off of whatever money was from this settlement for the first year. They drank every day sometimes passing out for several days straight, which honestly was better than them being drunk. Eventually they started experimenting other drugs; I'm still not sure all the kinds they tried but I know they were big into prescription drugs and occasionally ecstasy. After about a year the money begin to run out and that's when things really changed. They both tried working but neither could hold a job for more than a few weeks because of their drinking and drug use. My mom seemed better at hiding it at work then Stephen did so she was often able to hold down a job for a month or two. Money was always tight because someone was always not working. Most days there was no food in the house and if it wasn't for the free lunch program at school I wouldn't have had anything to eat. Weekends were the worst because there was no food unless I managed to save some of the fruit from my lunches during the week which still wouldn't fill me up. Any money they did have they would spend on drugs or alcohol."
"That's horrible Ana," I say quietly truly shocked at what her living environment must have been like.
"We haven't gotten to horrible yet Christian," she says sadly. "Do you mind if I get a drink for this next part? I know it's early but I think I need some liquid encouragement."
"Of course," I say. "Would you like wine or something stronger?"
"Oh I think stronger would be better," she says looking at the floor. "You might want a glass too."
I pour us both a glass of bourbon and place the bottle on the coffee table in front of us. Ana takes a large drink from her glass closing her eyes as she swallows. Her eyes stay closed for several minutes and she seems to be dreading continuing. I put my glass down, reach over and kiss her deeply trying to convey how strongly I feel for her in the kiss. I wrap my arms tightly around her shoulders and hold her close to me for several minutes.
"Thank you," she whispers sitting herself up.
"I'm here, no matter what you say, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere," I reassure her.
"One Friday night my mother was at work and Stephen was passed out in his room drunk as usual. Suddenly he came storming out of his room yelling about a missing bottle of pills that he couldn't find. He was accusing me of stealing them even though, I swear Christian, I've never touched any of the stuff they did. I tried telling him that but he kept saying I stole it. He grabbed me by my hair and threw me on the floor. I tried crawling to my room but I wasn't fast enough. He took his belt off and beat me with it as I tried to get away. That was the first time anyone ever hit me; growing up my parents never once raised a hand to me. Later that night my mom came home and found me crying in my room, my ass was still hurting from the beating. I told her what Stephen had done thinking that maybe she would leave him and you know what she said?" Ana asks looking straight at me full of anger.
"What?" I asked quietly scared to hear what her response was.
"She said, next time don't take his drugs and proceeded to tell me that she couldn't leave him because she had too many bills to pay on her own. She walked out of my room after she practically defended him and what he did. She believed him that I had stolen their pills when in reality they both had used them the night before which is why he was passed out. For the next two years the beating continued whenever he was angry. At first he only did it when my mom was at work, but as their drug use increased he beat me whenever he felt like it often in front of my mother who would not say a word. She sat by and watched him beat me until I was bleeding through my clothes. He would use anything he could get his hands on: his belt, tree branches, wooden spoons, paddles you name it. The last time he beat me was the last worst," she says pausing.
She pours another glass of bourbon before drinking it all in one swift gulp. I gently rub small circles on her back and wait for her to find the confidence to continue. A few moments pass by before she opens her eyes again and leans back against the couch.
"My mom had been gone for a few days before that; I can't even remember where she went. Honestly I don't know if she left him and just left me with him or what. I don't remember her ever saying anything about leaving; she just wasn't there one morning. It was mid-morning on a Saturday when he came storming out of his room yelling at me for not being in school. I tell him it's Saturday but he continues to argue with me because he was supposed to work on Thursday but he didn't work yet so I must be lying. He calls someone who must confirm that it is Saturday and he throws the phone across the room in breaking into dozens of pieces. He screams at me that it's my fault he lost the job because I didn't wake him. He had been passed out for three straight days! He slams me into the coffee table by my hair so I am kneeling in front of the table with my face and chest pressed hard into the table. He pulls my sweat pants down," Ana says finishing her glass of bourbon.
"Refill?" I ask quietly and she nods. I'm dreading what I'm going to hear next but I can't let her know what I'm feeling. I already want to kill the guy who did this to her and I make a mental note to have Welsh run a complete background check on him and order security on him to insure he cannot ever get near Ana again.
"Up until this point he had never beat me without clothing so I began to panic. He left my underwear on, but it did nothing to ease the pain. Before the first hit came he told me the words I will never forget; he said 'your ass is going to look beautiful tonight.' He beat me repeatedly with his belt; when I screamed in pain he would laugh at me. At one point he finally stopped and I thought he was done. He lifted my head by my hair so he could see me and he said if I moved he would kill me. He banged me head into the coffee table and left the room. I should have gotten up, I should have ran, I should have left then-" she says with tears pouring down her face.
"It's okay," I say bringing her onto my lap and holding her tightly against my chest. "You were scared; you believed he would kill you."
"He came back with a thick wooden cane," she says and my heart drops. A cane beating can do significant damage to someone's body if the person using it does not know its strength. "I don't know where it came from but I had never seen it before. He beat me hard with the cane, mostly across my lower back but also on my ass and my thighs. It hurt so bad and I eventually passed out in the middle of the beating right on the coffee table."
"Oh god Ana, I'm so sorry," I whisper kissing the top of her head and holding her tightly.
"The next thing I remember is waking up a few hours later tied to my bed with duct tape. My pants were pulled back up thankfully but there was a note next to my bed telling me not to move and that he would be back with a present for me. I was immediately afraid of what more he could possibly do to me and as soon as I managed to free myself I packed two bags and left. I had a few friends from school but I didn't know that I could trust any of their parents to not bringing me home. There was no way I could risk going back. I spent the remaining year of high school homeless; I found an abandoned building where several homeless people were staying and I managed to convince them to let me stay there too. My guidance counselors kept trying to talk to me telling me that I looked like something was bothering but I couldn't bring myself to tell them what happened. I knew the moment I said anything social services would be involved and my biggest fear was that they would force me to go home. My mother was a very good liar and I was afraid she would be able to convince them that she was clean and sober and no longer with Stephen. I couldn't risk it so I lied and told them everything was fine. They told me at one point the report card they sent home had been returned in the mail because 'we' no longer lived there. It was at that point I realized that they had moved and I had no idea where my mother was" she explains.
"How did you survive? How did you end up in Seattle?" I ask truly amazed at everything she has been through and absolutely disgusted that a supposed man could do that to a little girl.
"The first few months were the worst but eventually I learned," she explains. "I found a part time job at a local fast food place and was able to open a bank account to save a little money. I befriended a janitor at school who I'm pretty sure knew I was homeless and she would let me in school before it opened so I could shower every day. I used the little money I had from my job to buy food on the weekends so I wouldn't go hungry. Eventually I started thinking about college and what I wanted to do with my life. I knew I didn't want to be homeless forever. My guidance counselor gave me brochures on several colleges and I fell in love with Seattle based on the picture on the student guide for WSU. The next thing I had to figure out what how to pay for college. I couldn't get a student loan because I had no address to use on the paperwork. My guidance counselor assisted me in applying for several grants and scholarships and let me use the school address for the application after I told her we had problems getting mail at home. Once I got accepted to WSU, I realized I didn't have enough funding to pay for housing so essentially I was homeless again. You would be surprised at the number of homeless shelters Seattle has compared to northern California where I lived before. Shortly after I turned 18, I was started checking out the homeless shelters and found a few that were halfway decent. And that's how I ended up here."
"Ana, I don't know what to say," I say hugging her tightly. "You truly amaze me."
"What? I do? Why?" she asks looking up at me shocked.
"Why?" I repeat. "Look at everything you have overcome and yet you have accomplished so much. You did so much on your own with no support or help from anyone. I know very few people who could have survived what you did."
"I didn't have a choice," she says simply. "I knew if I didn't want to be homeless I needed to do something with my life. I didn't have any help honestly because I didn't trust anyone. I didn't trust anyone in high school to not tell my secret, I didn't trust anyone at the homeless shelters who tried to get me in housing programs. I was determined to do it by myself. The room I rented that you saw was a place I got completely on my own. The first room I rented was in a house which was eventually busted in a drug raid that my caseworker at a shelter helped set up. Although she couldn't have known it would be busted for drugs it was a quick reminder to not trust anyone and to do things myself."
"I am so proud of you and I hope you know that you can trust me," I say. "I would never hurt you."
"I've never told anyone what I've told you today," she whispers.
"What about Kate?" I asked surprised.
"No, no one," she answers.
We sit in silence for a long time and within a few minutes I realize Ana has fallen asleep in my lap. The lack of sleep all week combined with telling her story must have taken its toll on her. I wait awhile to make sure she is fully asleep and then I carry her upstairs to my room. She barely moves as I place on her on bed and put the blankets over her. I sit in the chair opposite of the bed and type a quick email to Welsh requesting a full background check on Stephen and on Ana's mother. I am beyond disgusted with this man and vow to ruin him in any way I possibly can. Ana's mother is no better; she literally sat back and watched her daughter get beat. How could a mother watch her own child get beat and not want to stop it? How could she be so selfish? I vow to find Ana's mother and keep her as far away as possible from Ana. I lay in bed next to Ana and pull her close to me with her back against my chest and her head on my arm. I quickly fall asleep next to Ana's warm body realizing the last couple of days have been very exhausting for me as well.