Dick Grayson

Mount Justice

Friday, August 31st, 2012

"I need to talk to Aqualad," Batman says and the rest of the team starts to disband. I wait.

"Just Aqualad."

Oh.

Without looking at Batman's face, I turn and follow Wally out the door. The team heads for the showers. Wally tries lightening the mood but everything he says just makes the silence worse.

"I guess it just got a little... muddied up? Right?" Wally grins. I scowl and he shakes his head, "Hey, relax Rob. It was one bad mission, that's not the end of the world."

"I'm fine, Wally."

"Come on, man. I know you better than that. This isn't a big deal. So Clayface kicked our assess, but we'll get him next time, you know?"

"I said I'm fine!"

Conner turns to look at me from the door to the guys' locker room but he doesn't say anything. I storm off to my room to change, abandoning the showers completely. Wally doesn't follow me.

Just Aqualad.

I slam the door to my room shut so hard the room vibrates.

Just.

Aqualad.

I start ripping off my uniform, starting with the mud-covered mask sticking to my face. The cape comes free with a sharp tug at the release panel and I throw it on the floor with a loud gust of air.

I thought we were partners. I thought he trusted me, counted on me, appreciated me but no! I should know better by now! I should've known when Batman never told me about the Watchtower! I should've known when he lied to me about joining the League! Just the fact that they formed this team instead of letting us onto the real League proves that they don't trust us! How am I still surprised that Batman doesn't trust me? How does it still hurt so badly every single time something happens to bring it up again? I know I'm not good enough to lead this team. I get it! And Aqualad is a good leader. He deserves to be our leader. I just…

Instead of trying to figure out what I'm trying to say, I slam my closet door shut and pull my green hoodie over my head. My sunglasses are the only thing on the desk. The rest of the room is just as empty. I throw myself on the bed, hot tears pricking at my eyes.

Everybody else has decorated their rooms. Wally stuffed boxes of his favorite protein bars and about two hundred packages of fruit roll-ups in his room. He also replaced the sheets with a Superman duvet. Uncle Barry switched that with a Flash-themed one. Wally changed it back, but the next time Uncle Barry stopped by the mountain, the Flash theme was back. Plus, matching pillow cases. At this point Wally has the biggest collection of Flash merchandise in existence.

Artemis was super excited to decorate her room, since her parents weren't big on personal expression or something. She and M'gann painted the walls dark green and they roped Superboy into helping them paint constellations on the ceiling, since he's got an encyclopedic knowledge. Black Canary was less than thrilled about the amount of paint they tracked onto the training floor, but I know Aunt Dinah was happy they were bonding. Artemis spends a ton of time in her room now. She and M'gann went on a shopping spree and bought matching stuff for their rooms, including green and blue beanbag chairs and lava lamps because they got carried away.

M'gann's room is filled with landscape paintings and posters of Earth as seen from space. She also loves old-timey furniture so her whole room feels really vintage. She also started filling a wall of pictures of the Team, which was annoying at first because she wouldn't stop taking pictures with the digital camera I got her, but once she started putting them on the wall it was… nice. Seeing pictures of the whole team together, not even doing heroic things, just chilling or watching a movie, it's really nice. She also has beanbag chairs and a lava lamp to match Artemis.

Kaldur's is…

Just Aqualad.

…

Superboy's room is the only one as boring than mine. But he does have this poster of a turtle that one of the Terror Twins hit Kid Flash with during their epic mall showdown. And honestly, I think that expresses his personality better than anything else. My room is the only one that hasn't been decorated. I just don't spend any time in here. I already have a huge bedroom at home. I don't need two... or three.

My stomach twists and I sit on the end of the bed. It's a full mattress, smaller than the one I have at home, but bigger than the one in Slade's hideout. Thinking of Slade is a mistake; once the thought hits, the wave of anger doesn't stop.

I'm supposed to be getting better! That's the whole point of this stupid training! But I'm not getting better! I can't do anything right! I'm not a leader, I can't follow orders right, and I was useless against Clayface! I knew what he was doing! I knew it was a trap, and I knew that whatever I saw wasn't real. But when it came down to it, it didn't matter. I was scared to hurt Wally and left myself wide open. What's the point of this?!

I let my head drop into my hands.

How is it that I know so many breathing exercises and the idea of trying one of them right now just makes me even angrier?

There's a soft knock at the door.

"What?!" I snap, shoving my sunglasses onto my face because I can't trust anyone, not even my friends. Batman doesn't trust them and he doesn't trust me and I'm not good enough at anything to prove him otherwise.

"Can I come in, Robin?" M'gann asks quietly. Her voice drops the way it always does when she knows that she messed up but doesn't understand Earth well enough to know what she did wrong. My stomach curls again. Why is she coming to me? I can't help her figure out what she did wrong against Clayface. Black Canary won't yell at her for asking and Canary's a hell of a lot better at giving advice than I am.

But despite the urge to yell, "Leave me alone," the words stick in my throat.

"Yeah, M'gann. The door's open."

She eases the door open slowly. M'gann hesitates in the doorway, dressed in her civvies with damp hair soaking into her sweater.

"What do you want?"

She flinches and I refuse to feel guilty. My stomach twists anyway.

"I wanted to make sure you're okay. You seemed really upset," M'gann says with a strained smile that doesn't reach her eyes.

"I'm fine."

M'gann frowns and shuts the door behind her. I sit up instead of staying sprawled out across the bed. It's not the comfortable anyway.

"Robin, you don't have to pretend to be okay. I'm your friend. If you need to talk, I'm here for you. Just like you're always here for us."

I shake my head, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

"M'gann, I know you want to help but I can't… there's nothing you can do."

"Why not?"

"Why not? Because I'm not allowed to tell you anything! Batman won't even let me tell you my name! I can't tell you why I'm upset right now because you don't know anything about me or about him. Yeah, I'm upset right now, but I get why he said what he said. It doesn't make me feel any better and I can't explain any of it to you or anyone else."

"I'm sorry. I never thought about how hard it would be for you not to tell us."

"It's not your fault."

"So… you're just upset because Batman only wanted to talk to Kaldur?" M'gann asks quietly. I huff.

"No, I'm not 'just upset' because of that. M'gann, when we were fighting Clayface, I knew it was a trap and I fell for it anyways. I'm upset because I'm supposed to be better than that! I know it and Batman sure as hell knows it."

"Clayface tricked all of us," M'gann reminds me. Her forehead creases and her lips tighten like there's something she really wants to say but doesn't know how to, "Nobody expects you to be perfect. None of us are, and that's why we're a team. We're supposed to have each other's backs instead of trying to handle everything by ourselves."

She doesn't get it. How could she know? It's not about being perfect. It's about not making the same mistakes again. The training with Slade, it has to pay off. All the lying, all the hours of training, it has to be worth it and the only way that it can be is if I get better. To be the best fighter and hero that I can possibly be.

"Robin, you don't have to handle everything by yourself," M'gann twists her fingers together anxiously, but the look on her face is starting to freak me out.

"Look, I appreciate you trying to help but really, it's okay—"

"Who is he?" M'gann cuts me off sharply, reaching out to squeeze my arm.

"Who? What are you talking about?" I try to pull back but she tightens her grip.

"Slade."

My heart stops.

I forget how to breathe.

"Where did you hear that name?" I force out.

"From you."

"What?"

My heartbeat kickstarts itself and thuds against my chest so hard it hurts.

"Robin, I try really, really hard to keep my shields up and respect everyone's privacy but sometimes you all just project so loudly. It doesn't happen much but sometimes when you get angry or scared, there's things that come through. I keep seeing these fragments of your memories where you'd be fighting with someone and I... I actually thought it was Batman at first."

"M'gann."

"But it didn't make sense. Batman would never hurt you like that!" she continues without stopping, "I didn't want to say anything but I have to know. You're working for him?"

"No! You don't understand, I don't work for him. I just…" My jaw clenches and I look nervously at the door, "It's just training."

M'gann shakes her head and there are tears welling in her eyes.

"Robin, I've seen some of your memories. He's not training you. He's hurting you."

I take a breath and let it out through my nose, looking at the wall. I can't panic. I just have to make her understand.

"He saved my life, M'gann. He's trying to help me."

"Help you do what?" she demands.

"Be a better hero! And a better fighter!"

"Then why is it a secret?"

"Because Batman can't find out about it," I hiss, "Slade saved my life and all he's done since then is teach me how to fight. If Batman finds out that Slade is in Gotham, he won't stop until he arrests him. I'm not going to let that happen. I owe him way too much for that."

M'gann looks stunned.

"You… want him to train you?"

"Yeah, M'gann. I do."

"Even if you have to lie to Batman and go behind everyone's backs?" she asks bluntly.

I wince.

"Please listen to me. You can't tell anyone. If the League finds out about Slade, or if Batman finds out, it'll put him at risk. Everything he's done has been to help me and he's already put himself in danger for me. Please, promise me you won't tell anyone."

"You trust him that much?" M'gann frowns. Looking her straight in the eyes, I nod. Somehow, I have to make her understand.

"He saved my life. I promised him I wouldn't tell the League or Batman about him and if you tell them about him it'll—"

"I won't," she interrupts quietly, "I know about secrets. If you need me to keep this a secret, I will."

I blink at her. Does she really think I'm that stupid? She's going to tell Canary as soon as she leaves the room. I have to make her understand.

"You don't get it."

"What don't I get?" a strange expression crosses her face, almost a challenge.

"Everything I do, it's to try to get better. Batman is a great mentor, he really is, but he just wants me to be good enough. I don't have any powers, I'm never going to be the strongest or the fastest or the smartest, and if I stop pushing myself, I'm scared that I'm going to mess up. And if I mess up badly enough, someone might get hurt and I can't risk that. Slade pushes me to always get better and yeah, he can be really tough, but it's working. The League won't understand. They don't know what it's like not to have powers to fall back on if stuff goes wrong. I have to keep training with Slade."

M'gann's frown deepens. She squeezes her eyes shut, her face going ashen for a second, but then she stands up. Her hands curl into tight fists at her side.

"Robin, it's okay. I know about keeping secrets. I understand better than anyone else could," she says. Her voice is so solemn that for a second, I don't recognize her. M'gann is happy and bubbly and silly and the girl in front of me isn't any of that.

"What are you talking about?"

"I trust you, Robin. I really do. If you can trust me to keep your secret, then I can trust you to keep mine."

"Your secret?" I blurt, all thoughts of Slade replaced by confusion.

"I thought I could hide it but it's so hard and… I don't want to hide this anymore. I… I thought… I can't."

She closes her eyes and looks down. Then it happens. She starts to change, growing massive as her spine hunches over and her limbs elongate. Her skin bleaches to a shade of white so pale it glows. Her hair recedes into her head as red muscle bubbles out along her neck, chest and joints. Her features sink into her face, leaving skeletal jaws and red eyes.

I step back. My jaw drops.

"You… you're…"

'A white Martian. I'm a monster,' her words resonates through my mind, exhausted and afraid. Suddenly, I find my voice.

"What are you talking about? M'gann, how can you say that? You're not a monster."

'Robin, look at me and tell me that.'

"I am," I cross my arms over my chest, "I already knew you're a shape-shifting alien. I know you. What you look like doesn't make you a monster."

M'gann shifts, covering her body with her arms like she's trying to hug herself.

'You don't understand.'

The retort dies when I get hit with a wave of fear that makes my stomach curl with nausea. There's a long silence, both of us watching the other silently.

The longer I look at her real form, the more it seems to suit her. M'gann relies on telekinesis a lot, which makes sense if she's used to having longer limbs. And if her real body doesn't have a mouth, no wonder telepathy comes more naturally than speech. And maybe the red eyes were a little freaky at first, but it's still M'gann. I don't care what she looks like. I have no idea where her fear is coming from.

"Why do you think you're a monster?" I ask slowly, "Why haven't you shown the rest of the team what you look like? We all know you're a Martian. It's not a big deal that you want to use a human form while you're here."

M'gann takes the telepathic equivalent of a deep breath.

'I always forget that you don't know what life is like on Mars,' M'gann starts, looking down at the ground. 'The majority of Martians are green, like Uncle J'onn and most of my brothers and sisters. Green Martians are genetically inclined towards peace and philosophical study. They build society up and keep our culture strong and beautiful. White Martians are… violent and savage. Almost a hundred years ago, the White Martians started a war, trying to exterminate the Green Martians. They fought back to defend themselves, and in the end, the White Martians were barely defeated. Any surviving warriors were exiled to the Still Zone, and it was only because of the compassion of the Green Martians that the White children were spared.'

My jaw drops.

"That's horrible."

'We're dangerous. The laws put into place following the war were done for the protection of Mars, to ensure peace.'

"What kind of laws?" I ask, my stomach sinking.

'There are many regulations about where we are allowed to go, and what areas we must be accompanied by a Green Martian to enter. About how many White Martians can be in a clan. We can't own property because we're too territorial. We can't…'

There's a long, painful pause.

'I'm sure you get the idea.'

"M'gann, I had no idea. That's horrible."

'Uncle J'onn is giving me a chance I never thought I'd get. I can't mess it up and if the Team finds out what I really am… how can they trust me?'

M'gann pulls her arms close to her chest, making herself look smaller. I take two steps and wrap my arms around her in a hug. She shudders before leaning in and suddenly she's shrinking and then M'gann is back to her human form, wrapping her arms around me. Tears run down her face and it hits me that Earth is her safe haven. Her whole life, she's grown up hearing that she's dangerous, that she's a menace to her people, that she's inferior.

It's horrifyingly close to the stories my parents told me about when they were growing up, about the prejudices left over from World Wars and decades of propaganda before that. I think about how the genocide against millions of people started with them being labelled "inferior," Suddenly, I hate Mars with a burning fury and I grab M'gann in an even tighter hug.

"I won't let them send you back. Ever."

"You don't hate me?" she asks.

"Never."

"You promise you won't tell anyone?" M'gann demands.

"I promise,"

Under the full weight of the knowledge she's trusting me with, my secret seems like nothing in comparison. I'll keep her secret.

"Thank you."

"The others won't care," I tell her, trying to keep my voice from shaking, "If you tell them the truth, it won't change what they think about you. You're our friend and we love you."

M'gann stiffens, "I can't take that chance. Earth is everything to me. If I lose it…"

"I know. I just wanted you to know that… but I won't tell anyone, M'gann. I promise."

"Thank you," she whispers, tightening her grip for a second before releasing.

I turn away so I can take off my sunglasses and wipe my eyes. M'gann straightens and takes deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling slowly. The room is quiet. One of the benefits of having natural cave walls is that the mountain is really well sound-proofed. We can't hear anything outside, and nobody else is going to be able to listen in. I sit on the bed and M'gann slides to the side to make room. We sit together, staring at the wall. Her fingers wrap around mine and I squeeze her hand in response.

"I thought Earth would be different," she confesses, "And it is! In so many ways, it's so much better, but there's still so much cruelty here. Even here, in America."

"That's why we do this. To fight injustice however we can."

"What's going to happen now?"

"I don't know. We watch each other's backs."

M'gann is quiet for a long time. Her hand is still clenched around mine and I can feel her pulse settle.

"You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to tell me. But it feels… freeing, to tell the truth," she offers. I try to swallow but the lump in my throat makes it impossible. She's still trying to help me, even with everything that she's going through. I don't deserve a friend like her.

"It's not much of a story. And I'm not supposed to tell anyone anything. That was our deal."

'Do you want to tell me?' The mind link is suddenly more familiar and more comfortable than it's ever been. I close my eyes. M'gann wraps her arm around my shoulder again and now it's my turn to lean in.

'Yeah.'

'Then we keep each other's secrets. You can tell me anything.'

I exhale through my nose, emptying my lungs so I can take a deep breath. My mouth opens on its own and words start spilling out.

"My name is Richard Grayson. I grew up in the circus with my parents and my aunt and uncle and cousin. They were murdered when I was eight, by a man who was trying to extort money from the ringmaster. Batman took me in and helped me bring him to justice…"

The Batcave

"You're back?" Bruce says as I step off the Zeta-beam platform.

"Am I not supposed to be here?" I ask, clutching the bag with my uniform in front of my chest.

"No! I mean, that's not what I meant. I just thought you were staying the night."

"I wanted to be home."

"Oh," Bruce nods, "I mean, good! That's good. I'm happy to hear that."

I give him a half-smile that doesn't really reach my eyes. I'm too tired to feel anything but numbness. M'gann was right. Telling her the truth has lifted a weight off my chest that I never knew was there. But it was exhausting and now, all I want to do is go to bed. I start for the stairs that lead up to the manor, staring up at the giant t-rex as I pass it. There's a package of crayons and some paper on his back. Probably Cassie's but everyone loves climbing Rexy McDinoface. Everyone helped named him; I used to call him Bat-Rex, but I was overruled.

The Batcave is darker than usual. The lights over the trophy cases are off, and most of the spotlights in the upper sections of the cave have been dimmed, but that's normal for when Batman is working by himself at night. My eyes sweep over the motorcycle near the exit ramp, still parked where I left it after last patrol. I'm going to need to move it back to the garage soon or Bruce will yell at me.

"Night Bruce," I mutter, climbing up the steps.

"Wait."

I turn around.

Bruce runs a hand through his hair and sighs.

"I'm sorry about what I said earlier. It didn't have anything to do with you."

"It felt like it did," I grumble.

"I'm sorry. That's my fault."

I pinch my lips together but don't say anything.

"Dick, I don't tell you this enough, but I'm very proud of you. Clayface is a dangerous opponent, and I don't want you to think that tonight is a reflection of your skills."

I shrug. Bruce moves forwards, kneeling so that we're at eye-level. He puts his hands on my shoulders gently.

"When you're part of a team, you're only as strong as your ability to work together. What happened tonight was the result of distraction and a lack of cooperation, not failure of any one person. The more you work with your team, the more capable you will all become. That takes time, and this is part of the learning process. You're doing great, Robin. I mean that."

I lunge forwards to pull him into a hug and he hugs back firmly.

"Thank you."