I. Desolate
The room was so different now. Especially within the past few weeks, more and more of her belongings had become targets for her mounting frustrations. Yesterday it had been a teacup gift from her father. Today it was a pillow and the latest subscription to a Japanese fashion magazine she had hoped would have greater relevance. These things were destroyed upon her floor as she raged into her pillow.
"I got that she made it, okay! Damnit Misato, don't call me over every little thing!"
Only moments ago, through the phone now resting on the far side of the room, Misato had called from the base to fill Asuka in on the cleanup operations.
There was no word about Shinji. Just about first.
Asuka breathed through the pillow fibers. "To think… to think I couldn't do anything! I can't believe i lost to that stupid Shinji!"
At last, a meaty angel she could confront solo. Armed with every weapon she could get, without any teammates to get in the way (and no Shinji) to worry about, she would be victorious.
Only… she wasn't.
She found out later that not only did Shinji return, but he easily defeated the Angel and saved everyone. It was what she was supposed to do, and on a whim third had changed his mind and come back.
He didn't choose to do this to save her. He chose to do it to one-up her.
She grabbed the pillow tighter. "I hate this!"
Longing
Asuka Birthday Fic 2022
Norsehound
Asuka had once dreamed of having an entire apartment like this to herself. Now, even with her roommates gone, the detritus and clutter of Misato's dwelling was like a constant irritant on Asuka's skin. As she moved through the air she felt unclean.
But to relocate would mean packing everything up, making a big fuss, getting Misato into her face. Maybe pathetic Shinj-
She threw the bra she had pulled out of the closet and raged again, screaming and driving her fists through the air until she hit the wall. The dents of her fists were already there, but she didn't care anymore. It's not like the owner of the apartment, Misato, would care. All the woman cared about was Shinji-sama.
Asuka huffed angrily then decided she wasn't going to dress after all. She threw the door open and stepped into her apartment topless. She knew Misato wasn't in the apartment, but even if she was, Misato didn't care. Shinji-sama wasn't here. As it was Misato hadn't been back in this apartment since the battle two days ago.
Asuka's feet patted down the hall to the kitchen where she witnessed Pen Pen trying to figure out how to open the refrigerator. Asuka stared at the scene with silent disdain. yeah, the apartment may have been abandoned to her, but now she had to take care of this stupid bird.
The chore Shinji had.
She stepped forward to throwing open the refrigerator and do the work the glorious Shinji-sama had left for her to do while on his vacation. Blind fury drove her to slamming the can on the counter, destroying the lid with the can opener, then dumping the thing into the stupid penguin's bowl.
She glanced up and saw the bird cowering behind the curtain to the bathroom. She paused, for even though the penguin was just a dumb animal, she could see the fear in his small eyes.
"There." She toned and pointed, "Breakfast. Now stay out of my way!"
She whirled away from the bird and threw the can opener across the room to the sink. It bounced off the counter and clattered to the floor. Grunting, she decided to use the curry packets Misato had stockpiled. She detested them, but rather that then try to tread the domain of all glorious Shinji-sama and embarrass herself there, too.
She saw the red on her fingers then. She rasped, and sucked on the cut she must have given herself with that stupid can. Where the hell were the bandages? With a growl she realized she would have asked Shinji about those too.
Asuka, please calm down and take care of yourself. Mock Shinji's voice said in her head.
Asuka whirled and shouted in the direction the boy had been sitting in on that night in October. "SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP AND KEEP YOUR FUCKING CONCERN TO YOURSELF!"
Pen Pen clattered into his refrigerator and shut the door.
Asuka waivered on her feet because, in a part of her, she wanted him here to say those things. In spite of her hollering and howling at him, he was the… the only one… to care. To care for her and provide something for her she came to rely on. Companionship. Food. Beyond the Evas, beyond sync ratios and battles and…
She still remembered the jolt in the Volcano when Shinji saved her life by grabbing her arm.
She took two unsteady steps to the kitchen table. Her emotions bubbled over and threatened to come out of her face. But she wouldn't cry. Not for him. Not for the glorious magnanimous Shinji-sama and his golden benevolence.
She screamed again clutched her head In frustration and turmoil, caught between her feelings.
"Kaji!" She suddenly realized, hoped, and cried, "Kaji!"
She wailed pathetically as if he could hear her. And as she judged herself for this pathetic display, she also beheld her mental image of Ryoji Kaji.
…Who receded into the distance, his voice sounding like it came through the phone. "Im sorry Asuka, I'm not available right now. If you please leave your message, I'll return your call in the order it was received."
Slamming her fists on the table she tried to call down by breathing. Her imagination was running away from her yes, but she was also quite lost and defeated.
She eased herself into one of the chairs of the now silent room and put her head on the table. There she allowed herself to squeeze her eyes shut and maybe…. Maybe allow herself some tears. Disgust followed that thought. Her? Cry?
If only this were a problem she could take with both hands. Reach up and grab the throat of the issue, tightening and twisting so-
Her arms were gone at the shoulders.
Asuka's fingers slid to grab them subconsciously as her mind unspooled her latest failure before her, again. She waited to remember the moment where she charged at the angel, armless, ready to beat her head against it to win.
Then it flew off. She tumbled through the air. She landed, crushing walls and structure. And who did she find in the corner of the room? Like a coward?
Shinji.
Asuka, the image asked as it stood up from cowering, are you all right? What's wrong?
She tried to scream at him. Fat chance for your concern. Where was all this consideration before, dumbass? "You left us all behind, idiot!" She blasted aloud.
The kitchen sat empty. Her stomach gurgled to remind her of the food she hadn't prepared yet. And reality continued to slip and slide into anguish.
It was like this in the three days after the battle.
Misato was in that rare time when she had nothing to do. At least, for now.
Work was proceeding in all areas without her. Evangelion 00 and 02 were being repaired slowly. Most of the cages effort was directed at understanding and preparing unit 01 for the salvage operation to recover Shinji.
Misato had already filed her reports, signed off on the appropriate paperwork, and testified to those who wanted her. Now she just needed to wait for something to develop for her to react to.
Even if that something was unit 01.
She stared back at the head which glowered down at her, still bandaged. Under the rows of teeth she looked into the gleaming green eye.
Clutching a fist, she began. "Shinji." She said.
The monster said nothing.
"Shinji. Come home. Please?"
Nothing.
Misato flexed her fingers within her fist and angrily glanced at the armor, then she looked back into the eye. "Shinji, we're doing everything in our power to bring you back. We… we miss you."
Nothing.
Breathing out, Misato looked down at the armor. "What am I doing? I've lost Shinji, Asuka's coming apart, and I can't do anything."
Misato looked up at the monster one last time, then sighed angrily and walked off the gantry.
Evangelion unit 01 stood mute.
The morning of the fifth day found Asuka just numb. She hadn't slept well and the world was a blur from so much anger practiced in the past few days.
She got out of bed amidst the soft white light of the sun through curtains. She shoved aside debris with her feet and stepped up to the closet door which was now jammed open. She chose a simple nightgown, pink with red trim.
Exhausted, she stood in front of the closet unmoving. Just existing. Before she could realize what she resembled, she-
I'm sorry.
She hadn't heard those words as much as acknowledged that someone said them. She knew it had been Shinji, too.
Her nerves were too frayed to attack that thought as they had in the past few days. This time she let it pass quietly, eyes staring at nothing.
The fragment of will she still had directed her to the kitchen so she turned and moved. The door opened to-
Shinji.
She stood frozen as she stared at the door. Hundreds of thoughts and emotions ran through her head then: white hot rage over his cluelessness, the sticky warmth of lust to prove she was a woman now, the longing for his caretaking to salve her hurts, the confusion over the wall of silence he surrounded himself with.
I'm sorry…
She ignored him. Her spent body resumed course for the kitchen, patting her way across the cold wooden floors into the common room, then into the kitchen.
Signs of distress from the past few days were all over the place. The stupid used curry trays were cluttered on one side if the table. Stacked cans of tuna sat beside Pen Pen's food bowl. A towel was dropped in front of the way to the bathroom. One of the overhead lights had burned out from being on for three days continuously. A single beer can, from lunch yesterday, sat on the table after Asuka consumed half of it. It didn't help.
She looked at the curry packets. Not only were they disgusting to her taste buds, but she was starting to run out of them. She would need to go shopping soon… another responsibility dropped on her by the absence of the oh magnificent Shinji the capable.
Today she didn't have energy to react to that thought. Yesterday's response was still painted the side of the kitchen cabinet, where her rage and frustration blasted the curry meal against the wall. Now she was just spent.
I'm sorry…
"If you're sorry," she uttered, "DO something."
She didn't know why she turned and faced the entryway to the front door. But her feet aimed her that direction as she went on, "You always go on about being sorry. Tell me you're really sorry by DOING SOMETHING." Her eyes bugged as she angrily stressed her words.
She didn't know how or why she was carrying this conversation, but she continued, "If you won't DO anything then leave me the fuck alone!"
She didn't hear a voice, but she imagined the sensation of Shinji falling away, retreating to wherever it was he came from. The apartment now felt more empty than ever.
Panting, tired, and near tears she spat through her teeth and mustered the energy to make her meal. Anything to avoid confronting anyone on a grocery trip or fast food hunt.
Misato said over the phone, "They've finished stabilizing unit 01, so repair work is starting on your unit and Rei's"
"Okay." Asuka answered.
"The main bridge has been officially condemned now, it's likely you'll never see it again. The back up bridge is older but, it will do."
"Okay."
"I'll be here again tonight overseeing repairs to the geofront ceiling, I know you and Pen Pen might be getting low on supplies, ill come shop for groceries tomorrow."
"Okay."
"Well… that's it. I'll call you tonight to see how things are going."
"Okay."
"Ya… well…" the line went dead.
Sitting at the table in the living room with the TV on, but muted, Asuka set the phone down and stared at the mute figures moving on the screen. A silent make believe world was playing out all before her eyes.
"Bitch didn't bother to ask how I was doing." Asuka grumbled, then she stood up and kicked one of the folding chairs over in the direction of Misato's room. "Some guardian you are. I know who's the favorite around here."
I'm sorry…
She ignored that impulse. If it was some fragment of Shinji, clawing his way out of her memories, she already said her ultimatum. Otherwise, it was just one more sign the stress of everything was slowly driving her crazy.
Her stomach gurgled.
She returned to the ruin of the kitchen and stopped in front of the sink, staring at the cooking bowl she had used to make rice. It was dirty, but she didn't want to clean it. She clenched her fists as her first impulse was to tell Shinji to do it but, of course, the magaminus Shinji-sama wasn't here to-
I'm sorry…
"You don't mean it." She said to the memory, "You always say that, idiot, but you never do anything to make it better."
She sighed angrily and started the water and found the soap. She found a couple more things and scrubbed the bowl herself. It wasn't hard, but several months of Shinji doing it for everyone meant she needed to spend mental effort to find things and do this. She just wanted to be left alone.
I'm sorry…
"Go away." She uttered.
The pot now clean and filled with water. She landed it on the stove and turned on the burner. She stood there lost in thought as she watched the water boil, exhausted.
How long would she avoid going to school? It's not like Misato cared now about grades and attendance. She could talk to Hikari if she went, maybe, but she wasn't sure if she was up to Hikari's meek concerns. She still hadn't talked to her best friend about how the date went, either. She didn't want to deal with that tension.
The weight of all those unresolved concerns, tangled concerns, and unspoken things rested on her now. Like a tarp overhang sagging after a rainstorm, filled with the weight of so many putrid issues. This was all she was left with in that quiet apartment.
After finishing the rice, she scrambled an egg and found some ground meat to brown and serve with this ad hoc meal. She ate in silence, for once feeling the emptiness of the apartment around her. It hadn't been this peaceful in days.
It felt like the eye of a hurricane. Peripherally she knew that once she engaged with normal life again the anger would return. The violence would flare up.
The dregs of her meal tasted oily and unpleasant. She halted before finishing completely, wiping her mouth with the back,of her hand and considering the utterly trashed kitchen. She was disgusted all over again- at Misato, at herself, and at Shinji-sama.
This time there was no faraway apology, though she had half stood in anticipation of it. She turned a little to face the door into the living room, where long before he had sat in that red shirt. But there was nothing.
She was alone.
Easing out a breath of relief in the absence of his imagined, empty, throwaway apologies she strode over his absence in the room to stare into the TV and fill her mind with garbage.
Night.
The TV and solitary light in the kitchen were on, but the rest of the house was dark. A bowl with the last of the rice and remaining egg sat next to her aborted lunch. The kitchen might as well be condemned.
The TV was on though, blaring a late night movie. Asuka had sat now through three complete installments of Gamera movies, laughing silently at all the foolish assumptions and stupidity regarding giant monsters and children. Ridiculous.
The phone rang.
Asuka lifted her head from the chair and turned to look but stopped. Her hand gripped the side of the table but she remained frozen, peering into the one lit room in the house, just listening to the phone.
It must be Misato. Nobody else would call.
Asuka couldn't bring herself to move, because she knew how the conversation would go already. There's no change from the situation. I'm still here overseeing operations. I'll be by tomorrow with new groceries, but then I have to get back. Make sure pen pen is fed, bye. What more could Asuka expect? It's not like the woman really cared about her.
Asuka was aware of the silence then, the phone had stopped ringing. She turned back around to watch the TV again.
When The phone started ringing a second time, Asuka just turned up the volume.
Darkness.
The moon quietly beamed through the deck and into the ruins of Asuka's room. The girl lay under the wide white and blue bed, eyes open and staring at nothing.
Crickets sang somewhere outside. It was too late for anyone else to be awake, really. The city was hushed outside too.
She blinked and tried to summon sleep by closing her eyes, but something was bothering her. Something refused to let her sleep.
Grunting once she got out of bed and stepped over the wreckage to the door and opened it. The void of the hall silently screamed at her.
Naked feet platted down the boards as she walked from the hall to the living room. The TV was off hours ago. The curtains allowed the moon in here too, and there was a slight chill.
She passed into the kitchen. The overhead light was on, but the other had burned out. The fluorescent humming could be heard un the quiet there as she crossed over Shinji's failure and passed over where she had made her proposal. Down the runway where Kaji failed her, to the door where the man she wanted vanished into the night wearing Misato's stink.
Asuka checked the door. Locked. She looked at the shoes.
The gaps on the pad yawned up at her. It was like an airport tarmac, or a harbor, where the once busy port of call was now vacant of tenants. This was Misato's house, but she was gone. Shinji's things were still here, but he was gone too.
She grunted at the absence and double checked the door. This was the only way into the apartment, so if it was secure, so was she. She turned around and started for her room.
Halfway down the hall the other kitchen light buzzed and darkened with a pop. Asuka sighed. She reached out with a hand to feel her way in the dark, thinking now that she should leave the bathroom light on to navigate. There were no night lights in Misato's apartment.
She rounded the passage into the kitchen. Through the entry into the living room, moonlight peeked through to guide her way.
Her first step into the kitchen made the hairs on her neck bristle. Someone was here… no… someone was coming.
Fear lept into her heart at the irrational sensation, but she tried to instinctively seek out light. Navigating by moonlight and using the phone's display LEDs for navigation, she made it to the bathroom and fumbled for the switch.
She found it and flipped it on.
Asuka exhaled a breath of relief as the light bathed the space. The humidity vent was on too, and the rushing of air helped crowd out the silence. While she was here she decided to use the toilet.
As she sat after doing her business she winced and tried to listen. It sounded like the bath was running. Concluding her business she stepped out of the toilet and looked into the darkened bathroom. The tub wasn't on.
She hesitated at the sliding curtain, a clenched hand going up to her chest, a foreboding feeling creeping up her esophagus. It felt like someone was out there.
Breathing, she checked herself and straightened. This was ridiculous. Asuka didn't believe in ghosts. She had just checked the front door. Pen Pen was the only other resident currently home. Misato's door had been wide open, signaling that she hadn't just slipped in during the night.
Re-centering herself with this logic, she rushed the folding door open and swept the blackened kitchen with defiant eyes. The room was still trashed, but empty. There was no one here.
Her feet thumped across the floor, over the spot Shinji had sat in october. She turned away from glancing at the moonlight again only to come to a stop when she looked down the hall.
There was a moving shape against the darkness, standing between their doors.
Eyes wide she saw the shadow's top turn towards her, and uncurl a little from being hunched over. It stepped towards her and raised a-
Asuka remembered the hall light and turned it on. The bulb blinked into existence, revealing a bright, empty corridor.
Asuka exhaled and took a moment to recapture her breath. She wasn't sure what she had just seen, or whether she imagined it. After the initial shock subsided, she was left with a notion. She grit her teeth and charged down the corridor.
Grasping with talon-like fingers, she flung Shinji's door open so hard it rebounded slightly on the rollers. Asuka stared anger into the room, somehow convinced the intruder fled in here.
Shinji's belongings glared back at her.
Panting with anger and catching herself literally chasing a ghost, she grunted angrily and slammed his door shut again. She pushed into the ruin of her room and threw the light on without wondering if she had any specters in here.
Standing at its center she clenched her fists. She was still afraid of whatever this feeling was. She was also disgusted that she was being so afraid of ghosts, if it even was a ghost. No, she was just imagining the whole thing, about Shinji and what his stupid face would be doing if he could see her now.
She squeezed her fists again as her mind sought the quickest way to boot out her fears. She turned around with the intent of going through the doors and trashing his room, but a dozen thoughts countered in protest: Eww, go in a boys room? What disgusting things does Shinji hide in there? That wouldn't be nice to destroy something of his. Why go through the effort, he'd just be sad and nothing would change!
Her head was hurting out of frustration. She needed a solution. She wanted to go to bed without the clawing feeling of someone out there to bug her.
There was one thing she could do.
She resisted, swaying on her feet with consternation on her face. She wasn't a little girl afraid of the monster under her bed. "I'm not a child!" She uttered.
But no other solution came to her. It also occurred to her that nobody would know, since Misato wouldn't be coming home likely until the late morning. That was enough time to wake up and undo what she was about to do.
She jammed up the door to the hall with a spare blanket. She drew the curtains closed and jammed an unpacked box into the track. Then she grabbed the sleep mask Kaji had bought her from a port of call in Spain to help her sleep on the carrier. She hadn't used it since,but used it now with the lights on in her room for that extra security.
With all this in place, she could finally go to sleep.