II. Decay
The pressure was immense. Her leg was on fire from the knee down. Her collar was uncomfortably warm.
The angel was dead at least, one kill for her at last. But she wasn't going to live to appreciate it. The last thread of slashed support hose above her was going to go.
Up until then she had told herself she wasn't afraid of death. But now it was beneath her. This was it. "I don't have any regrets." She lied.
The Eva groaned and screamed about her. The suit would hold out for a few moments, but she wasn't certain about how long the plug could survive. Maybe if she disconnected from the Eva and held out… perhaps there would be rescue?
Not at this depth.
She looked up. She could see through the lava somehow, picking out unit 01 perched on the cliffside staring down at her.
Shinji's voice spoke in her ear. "I'm going to rescue you."
"Why?" Asuka replied, "I'm not useful to you, or NERV. So why are you rescuing me?"
"I'm going to rescue you."
"Don't touch me!"
"But… you'll die."
"i'd rather die than just be a… a trophy! I'm not a princess to be rescued! I'm not a medal for your neck, hero!"
The Evangelion groaned under the weight. The tether was about to snap.
"If you can't even give me three words why you care, third, then I don't want anything from you!"
"I do care!"
"Not good enough!" Asuka screeched back.
The tether snapped.
Asuka felt the heat rise, the walls close in, and the grinding and clanking of the pressure compacting all around her. She closed her eyes and hugged herself as best as she could, while the hammering continued.
Asuka rose to the hammering of her dream thudding in her ears. She slapped a hand to her face, feeling the mask and yanking it off.
Grunting she rolled out of bed and rubbed her face, then looked at the clock. 9:43am.
Misato's voice called from outside the room, "Asuka, what is going on, open this door!"
Realizing she woke up too late and hearing the panic in Misato's voice, Asuka stumbled over her things and made it to the door. She flung the blankets out of the way and opened the sliding panel.
Both girls looked at one another. Asuka's face was mashed from the bed and outlines if the mask were on her face. The room behind her was a wreck.
But Asuka saw, for just a second, wide-eyed worry on Misato's face. It gave Asuka pause, because for a brief moment, she felt touched that Misato did care.
…but it was far too late, and far too little. Asuka's hurt rushed back into place, the grudge was not avenged.
"Okay, I'm up." Asuka grunted, "What did you want?"
Misato's concern evaporated quickly, replaced with irritation. "I'm sorry, I wanted to see if you were still alive after what I found in the kitchen. And why was your door blocked up?" Misato made a cruel smirk, "Don't tell me you were getting afraid of the dark-"
"Just Shut Up." Asuka barked and pushed her way past Misato to go to the bathroom. "Did you bring the groceries? There's nothing to eat."
Misato, irritation still on her face, paced back down the hall. "You could have just gone shopping by yourself, you know. Or called the base for me to come here sooner."
Misato entered the kitchen as Asuka said from within the bathroom, "And maybe you could have given a shit about me and the bird you just abandoned out here while you hid in the base."
Misato crossed her arms. "I did call. And in case it's escaped your attention, Shinji is still trapped in unit 01."
"How could I forget? You'll do anything for that pathetic sad sack, won't you? Even stay by his side 24/7 hoping he'll just decide to grace us with his presence. I'll bet you'll spoon feed him too whenever he decides to come out."
"You know, I didn't have to come back. I didn't have to get you groceries."
"I wonder why you did. Oh, right, the mascot. Can't forget the adorable bird friend."
"I care about you too, Asuka."
"Sure you do." The girl responded, "That's why you've only come to see me once in a week."
"I've been busy."
"Yep! Glad your priorities are set straight."
Silence clung to both sides of the folding door for a moment while both women stewed. Asuka was still nursing her hurt, and Misato was weighted with guilt. "I have to go." Misato said, "Put away these groceries, some of them are perishable."
"Say hello to the golden child for me." Asuka replied.
Misato said nothing, but Asuka heard the front door close. She pushed aside the curtain then and saw the bags Misato had set on the kitchen table.
Asuka stared at them for a moment before grunting and putting them away.
She had completely forgotten about last night and the illusion which reached out for her.
The days blurred by into weeks.
She rarely saw Pen Pen, only evidence of his passing and presence. The bathroom was occupied on occasion, sometimes the TV was left on, and the food always disappeared. Disgust finally drove her to do some cleanup to the degree that the kitchen was no longer unsightly.
She saw Misato even less. Groceries appeared in the kitchen every four days, but the Major called infrequently in the evening. Asuka picked up when she felt like it, which was only once or twice a week.
Existence felt like it was on hold, like she was just passing time. Her Evangelion was still being repaired, Kaji still wasn't answering his phone, and she couldn't bring herself to return to school and face her classmates.
Each day passed about the same as the next. November bled by without much remark.
Later, the door to the apartment opened to admit Asuka far sooner than it was supposed to. She was back from school just after lunch.
Her strides were wide as she cruised down the entry hall with her bag. Her free hand untied the red bow and pulled it off her neck, dropping it to the floor. Through the kitchen she slapped her bag on the table and stormed through the room.
Passing the door into the living room, over Shinji's seat, her momentum cut. She took two more steps and stopped in the living room, trying to breathe.
It was a mistake to return to class. It wasn't necessarily because she wanted to, but because she was getting stir crazy being trapped in the fowl, trashed apartment.
So, Asuka decided to escape the monotony by finally going to school. It lasted until lunch time, when she decided to ditch.
Hikari's gentle concerns went as expected, asking how Asuka was doing, wondering if she needed help catching up. Then of course, she asked about Shinji. When Asuka had no answer for her she seemed regretful, saying, "Maybe it's just as well he isn't here, for everyone's sake."
Asuka noticed Suzuhara's desk was still empty. Of course. Somehow Hikari must have made the connection that Shinji was responsible for hurting Toji. Whether Shinji was responsible, or not, Asuka suddenly had much less enthusiasm to be there. So she left, returning to the vacant apartment and empty, isolated life.
Out of boredom and desperation she tried calling Kaji again. There was, of course, no response. She left a message, asking about lunch sometime, then hanging up.
After pressing the button on her phone she stared into space in the direction of the refrigerator, and found herself staring at the calendar. After a moment she realized what was bothering her; It was still marked for November. She took two steps towards it, set the phone down, and tore off the month.
December was revealed. Two dates, circled and marked in very loud red, up at her.
December 8. Misato's birthday.
December 4. Her birthday.
She stared at that circled date, written kanji, with the massive hearts she drew there to make her day bigger than Misato's. She made these marks months ago, before her ignorance about Shinji wore away. It had been a different time, then.
Back then she could have believed Shinji would celebrate it by making her a cake. That she'd describe her ideal birthday party to him as a hint that he was supposed to pick up upon and make true for her. Now she knew it was an utter waste of time. Now she knew she meant nothing to him but a notch on his victory tally on the way to being a hero.
She blew the rest of the day on TV. She overlooked Shinji's door being slightly ajar.
Button button BUZZ!
Button button BUZZ!
Button button, button BUZZ!
Asuka sighed and slipped the headset off. "What are you doing Third!? Are you being deliberately obtuse?! Are you even listening to the beat?"
"I-i am…" Shinji meekly replied.
"Then why isn't this working!?" Asuka demanded as they stood in the game pads. Misato, Rei, and the class trio were watching.
"I.. I don't know."
"You never do." Asuka replied, "anytime it matters, you don't know. You shrink. Be goddamn proactive for a change, Third!"
Shinji stared into space, holding his headset. Then, "Okay. I'll lead."
For some reason Asuka didn't protest. She just slipped the headset on and assumed the start positions. The music started playing again and and they started to move.
But… soon it went… wrong. Asuka's body began disobeying her, moving to a different song. A different beat. She turned her head to look at Shinji. Dull surprise found her when she saw Shinji was now a clattering wooden marionette, strings off his wrists and legs. "How's this?" The doll asked, "I'm leading now, Asuka."
She caught a glimpse of wire off her own wrist, and looked up. Beyond the two marionette sticks in his hands, Shinji's expressionless face and large, dark, empty eyes stared down at her. "I'm leading now, Asuka." He said.
With horror she looked at the audience. Misato, Hikari, the stooges, and first had been turned into a single flat wooden cut out. Smiles were frozen on their faces.
She looked at her limbs but realized they were still flesh. Somehow that gave her the knowledge to apply her will, resist the commands, and grab the cables on her limbs. "N-no!" She screamed, taking and pulling them hard.
A breathy exhale from Shinji wafted over her from above, but she was standing on her own now. She turned to see the Shinji marionette also standing by itself.
With rage she swung the collected cables in her hands. They careened as if underwater, slamming into the Shinji doll and knocking him over like scattered bowling pins. But just as she smiled in triumph, the doll reassembled itself. It snapped back into place, with Shinji's voice speaking as if over a phone. "I'm sorry."
She swung the cables again and the result repeated. She released the cables, crossed the distance, then seized the head of the Shinji doll and pulled hard.
"I'm… swowrrrryyyy-" the doll groaned before the head popped off. The marionette came apart, all the pieces collapsing and slowly phasing into different colors of pure form.
Asuka was surrounded by these scattered pieces, which now were growing and shifting into different shinji-shaped silhouettes. The head that Asuka held still remained a head, though she could feel now the soft flesh and heavy skull of a real detached head. She stared at it in horror.
"I'm sorry Asuka." It said.
Somehow Asuka still had her wits enough to respond to the head, "It's not enough for you to say it, idiot! What are you doing to make it right?"
From her right, a blue form of Shinji said, "No matter what I do it won't be good enough for you."
From her left, a golden form said, "I want to, but I don't know how. You won't tell me."
From behind her, a red form shaped like him in his plugsuit said with spayed arms, "I shouldn't have to! Why do I have to give in when it's YOUR fault, second!"
From ahead of her, the naked outline of Shinji seemed to have its hands folded. "Please stay! Don't leave me alone! Help me, Asuka, I'm hurting!"
"I'm sorry." The head said again in her lap.
The voices all continued at once then, growing in volume as each of these figures and more were closing in on her with hands outstretched.
Asuka, fearful, looked around wildly at the figures and in a panic, threw Shinji's head towards the golden form as she screamed herself awake and sat bolt upright in the bed.
Light was in her unlit room and she whirled to the door.
She had left it open. Beyond, a golden silhouette of Shinji was radiant and shining. Other colored duplicates radiated out and away from this golden shape like video artifacts. She saw the head move identically on all of them, looking up at her.
Her instinct was to grab her pillow and throw it at the intruder. Her aim was perfect and the pillow sailed at the apparition, which winked out just before contact, and returned Asuka to a mundane room.
She panted loud and hard from the intense dream, and tried to make sense of what just occurred. It must have been a lucid part of her dreaming, since there wasn't anything there now. She retrieved her pillow, shut the door, and for good measure kicked the blanket back in place.
She didn't sleep well the rest of the night.
The next morning was gray and overcast. If the old media predating the second impact was to be believed, she would almost expect to see snowfall soon. Not that it would make her feel any better.
She didn't have energy for much today other than to veg out in front of the TV, eating snacks. It was a tuesday, two days before her birthday. She doubted anyone would remember- certainly not Misato. She might get an international call from Germany from her father, or more likely her stepmother, trying to convey well wishing. She might feel better after that.
Breakfast was the usual eggs and rice. She stared into space as She considered the malaise which gripped her, and again wondered why she couldn't just escape.
It was all Shinji's fault.
Because of him, Misato didn't need her. She had her darling surrogate son who was sad and needy and dependent and supportive. Codependency was coded up and down between those two. She was just a third wheel.
NERV needed her to pilot unit 02, but maybe not for much longer. The dummy plug demonstrated that an Eva didn't need a pilot, unless that pilot wanted to be a hero and save the day. Asuka's days as a pilot were numbered.
Father didn't need her. Mother didn't need her. Hikari was just getting along fine without her.
Shinji didn't need her.
That's not true, he said.
She blinked. Awareness came back to her from realizing something happened. She sat up from the folding chair, then stood, aware that something changed, but not sure what.
Stepping cautiously for her room she remembered all the odd occurrences she had seen over the past month. She had dismissed these things as just her idle imagination before, but for some reason it felt different this time.
She had this feeling before. Something was coming.
She couldn't tell how, or why, or where from, but that feeling of anticipation was certain. She tried to shake it off as she walked to her room, telling herself again it was something about being cooped up. She was imagining things.
The sky darkened outside.
She stared at the sheer curtains in her room. The change of lighting gave her a notion. She had to leave. She had to leave now.
In her room she threw off her shorts and shirt. She slipped on the first thing she could find- that one piece light blue sleeveless dress, and grabbed a jacket. Socks on, she hurried for the door with wide steps, making it to the kitchen before she realized she didn't have her A10 connectors in her hair.
She hesitated there and turned to look back at the way she came and froze.
Sitting against the rim of the door frame, like he did that night in October, was Shinji. The apparition was vague everywhere but his face, the features clearly defined away from the golden haze. His silhouette suggested he was wearing house clothes.
Asuka held her breath in her throat, staring wide-eyed, as Shinji smiled at her. "Hi." He said.
The apparition stood up from the door frame, shining bright as the rest of the world had darkened. His form demanded attention, she had no choice but to stare. He held his ground, smiling a little at her.
"What…" she demanded, "what is this? What the hell are you!?"
Shinji started to approach, saying, "im not sure-" he stopped as Asuka took a step back in fear. He lowered his head. "I'm frightening you. I don't want to do that."
Asuka's wide eyes were trained in the apparition's face. His tone and word choice was too articulated to be Shinji… but somehow, she knew this was Shinji.
"What are you?" She asked again. Her upset over his ambiguity slammed into place, and the concussion blasted out of her face, "No more vague fucking answers, Third! Are you a ghost?"
"I… I guess so." The golden Shinji said, looking at his hands. Then he looked at her again. "I wanted to see you again. I wanted to talk to you before I said goodbye."
"Goodbye?"Asuka repeated, then violently shook her head, "this is some kind of fucked up crowning moment of glory isn't it? You're back from the dead to tell me something?"
"That's right."
"Well, what is it, oh magnanimous Shinji-sama?"
"I liked you." Shinji replied.
Asuka stepped back, a little beside herself at this revelation. She would have been ready to lay into him with a challenge to prove it, but doubt was on her mind considering his volcano jump.
Before she could overcome being startled and continue to challenge, Shinji went on, "im in a strange place now, i don't know where I am or how I'm able to do this. It took me a while to get here, I'm sorry."
Asuka gazed at him skeptically. "You're…still in the eva?"
"Yes. And… and I think I'm there to stay. My mother is calling me… very soon I'm going to join her. But I didn't want to leave just yet, because I wanted to see you again. I wanted to tell you that I liked you, before I left for good."
Asuka wasn't sure which she found harder to believe- that Shinji was communicating to her from the Evangelion, or that he liked her after all. There was a third possibility- that the isolation was finally getting to her- but she decided then to choose the possibility she wanted to believe.
"Ok, so how long did you know you liked me?"
Shinji shrugged. "Since the training. But I thought you were cute on the carrier too. I was happy you were a pilot, because I got to see you more and fight beside you." He smiled again, "when you moved in with us, I couldn't believe my luck."
Asuka stared at him incredulous. She stepped forward. "The walls of Jericho," she advanced again, "My swimsuit. The kiss in this very room!" She swept a hand, "why are you feeding me such bullshit, third!? If you liked me then why didn't you do anything!?"
"Because you would hate me, and leave if i tried." The serene, gilden image of Shinji said, unaffected by Asuka's barrage. "You were just teasing me the whole time, calling me a pervert. And since I didn't want to do anything to prove that was true, even in the slightest. Besides," his head dipped a little, "You really gave it to me when you learned I tried to kiss you the other night. I vowed never to do anything that would offend you again, No matter how much I liked you. I would just… admire you from afar. Where it was safe."
Asuka blinked. "If you mean jack off to me when you think I wouldn't hear you, that's not 'admiring'."
"Oh." The Shinji image said, "I didn't… think you'd know."
"With how thin these walls are?" Asuka replied and stepped forward again. Now she was in arms reach. "So that's it, huh? You tell me you like me and then just… die?"
"Yeah." Shinji said with a small smile again. "And that… i'm sorry… I wasn't around to make you something for your birthday."
"You knew?"
"Yeah. I was counting down the days so I could surprise you. Though," his eyes dropped, "I don't think I can come up with anything you would like."
Asuka stared level at the apparition. Assuming this was Shinji, she had been just given a lot to think about, but if he was correct, she didn't have a lot of time to act on it.
Or did she?
"No." She said, her expression holding level disgust.
"Yeah, I didn't think s-"
"No. Not that." Asuka said. She crossed her arms. "You're not leaving. You're coming back here."
The golden Shinji stared at her. "Uh… I can't. Didn't I tell you? Im still in the Eva. I am just a projection."
"I don't care." Asuka uttered, "you don't get to tell me all of this, then ditch me to go to some kind of afterlife, hero. You're coming back here."
The serene Shinji looked sad. "I don't want to go but… I can't stay. My mother is calling me, I'll be joining her soon."
Asuka's pupils stared directly into his. "You sound like you don't want to go."
"I… I don't but…" Shinji uttered, "I'm scared. To say no."
Asuka raised her face. "Do you need my help?"
Shinji stared a moment, then said, "You don't have to-"
"Answer my question."
Shinji hesitated, then cringed a little as he said, "yes…"
"I'll help you." She said, "And you'll owe me for this."
He smiled again. "Seeing you again… would be… worth it…"
The golden image had started to fade. Asuka kept her eyes trained on Shinji's, until he had vanished.
Once the vision was gone, the world was lightened again. Everything in that trashed apartment sat as it should.
She sighed. "Of course you would bail before telling me what it is I need to do, would you?"