Rose Dawson: Starting Anew

Chapter 1

Realizing Jack was gone forever, I lay my head down again, for a moment not caring what became of me. Then, suddenly, I heard Jack's voice, as if he were right there, whispering in my ear. "You must promise me that you will survive." I couldn't break my promise, even though a part of me wanted to remain where I was, to stay close to Jack.

I summoned every last ounce of strength I had and pushed myself down into the water. I barely felt the cold now, my body nearly numb. I moved stiffly through the water. Nearby there was a man, obviously frozen, with a whistle still pinned between his lips. I struggled to him and pulled it from his mouth. Forcing my frozen lips around it, I used every bit of my breath to make someone hear me. The lifeboat must have been closer than I realized, because in just a moment its light was directly upon me.

Almost before I realized what was happening, people were helping me out of the water and into the lifeboat. I didn't recognize anyone, and I barely heard a word they said. Everyone made room so I could lie down, and a blanket appeared from somewhere. I lay down, shivering now, not speaking to anyone. A woman sitting right beside me said something I didn't really hear, then began touching my cheeks, so gently it took me a moment to realize she was wiping away tears-my tears. Slowly, I drifted into sleep. When I awoke, it was daylight and there was a ship alongside us-our rescuers, at long last! The last thing I wanted was to go aboard another ship, but I knew that was the only way I could get to New York. So I waited, with a patience I didn't know I possessed, to be taken aboard and finish my journey-alone.

Once on board, I was sent to one of the lower decks to be seen by a doctor. I followed several people I knew were going to third class. I felt Mother or Cal, if they had survived, would never come looking for me there. It was also where I felt I belonged. Material things didn't matter to me anymore. This was Jack's world, and now it was mine, too. Somehow, I felt being close to others like Jack would make him seem alive again. I settled on a cot in a corner, waiting for the doctor. When he came, he asked me a few quiet questions, but I could not find my voice. A woman I recognized as having shared the lifeboat with me spoke up on my behalf.

''We pulled her out of the water, doctor. Hasn't said one word since. She's seemed all right, though. Shivered a while, but then she seemed warm enough.''

The doctor thanked the woman. He asked her to be sure I had plenty of blankets and that she and I got something warm to eat. Almost immediately, she brought some soup, but I couldn't bear to take any. I felt I wouldn't be able to drink or eat anything at all. After quite some time of trying to convince me to take what she had so kindly brought, the woman gave up and left me alone. I lay down on the cot, covered myself with several blankets, also brought by the caring woman, and drifted into a sleep so deep I did not dream.

April 16, 1912

I woke suddenly, and found the great room mostly empty. And quiet. Too quiet. Needing to escape the silence, I rose, wrapping myself in one of my blankets, and headed for the boat deck. To my relief, I found many other people there as well. I had also come up for the sunshine I hoped would be plentiful. It was, but the wind had a biting edge. I drew the blanket up over my head, pulled it more tightly about me, then found a place on the deck where I could settle and not be too conspicuous.

I hadn't been there more than a few moments when I heard a member of the Carpathia's crew say, ''You won't find any of your people here, sir. These are all steerage passengers.''

Out of simple curiosity, I turned to see who was inquiring after people. I was badly startled when I saw who it was. Cal. I tried to make myself as small as possible, and waited, holding my breath as Cal walked around the deck for a moment. I was terrified that he would see me, but he gave up looking quickly, turned and went back into the ship's interior. Only then did I dare breathe again.

After a while, I grew tired of huddling there on the deck, so I went back inside. Perhaps foolishly, I lingered there on A Deck, right out in plain sight. Suddenly, I recognized someone very close by, even though she had her back turned to me.

Molly! Just as I realized it was her, she turned around. Despite how I must have looked, Molly recognized me immediately.

''Rose!" she exclaimed. ''How did you…"

I put a finger to my lips, silently asking her to be quiet, then drew her out onto the boat deck. "Please, Molly, I don't want to risk anyone hearing you. I know Cal is here, looking for me. He can never know I survived." Molly needed no further explanation from me.

"No, of course not. You look frightfully ill, darlin'."

"I'm fine now, Molly. A little tired, that's all." I looked around quickly to see if anyone was listening. "I trust you never to tell Cal I'm here. I can't see you again."

I hurried inside and down the staircase, suddenly needing very much to be alone. With relief, I found the great room completely empty now.

I went back to the cot I had occupied earlier, and lay down, my thoughts a jumbled mess. I knew Molly wouldn't tell a soul, but I still feared Cal would find me somehow. Jack...I wished so much he could be with me, holding me now, when I needed it so much. With that thought, my eyes slipped closed. I was on the edges of sleep when I felt a hand come gently to rest on my shoulder. My eyes flew open, and I sat up quickly. Then I saw who it was.

"Oh, Molly, you frightened me!"

"Sorry, darlin'. I watched you head down here, and I decided I had to talk to you more. No one else is here. You can tell me the truth. How are you, really?"

"Molly... I am all right, really. I just need to rest while we finish our journey to New York. By the time we get there, I'll be much stronger."

"Well, if you ask me, you look like death warmed over. Please, come on back up to the deck with me. There's far too many people up there for anyone to wonder who's hangin' around an old lady like me."

That made me smile, my first smile in days. I got up to follow her, but suddenly I was very unsteady on my feet. Just as suddenly, everything went black.

When I revived, it took me a moment to remember where I was. Then I saw Molly's worried face looking down at me.

"Molly," I said weakly. "What happened to me?"

"You fainted, darlin'. I knew you weren't well. You were only out a couple of minutes, but somethin's wrong with you. Have you had anything to eat since we came aboard?"

"No," I began, my voice still very small and faint. "I just couldn't. I..."

Raising my eyes to meet Molly's concerned gaze, I abruptly began to cry. "It took everything I had to survive that horrible, freezing water, and now I don't know if I can take anymore. Without Jack, I don't have anyone."

I stopped suddenly, realizing this was the first time I had said Jack's name aloud since his death. Molly saw the disturbed look on my face and did her best to comfort me.

"You've got me, and I'm stayin' with you until we get into New York."

"Oh, no, Molly. People will wonder where you've gone. Mother, or even Cal, might come looking for you."

"Let 'em wonder. Cal couldn't care less about me. And last I saw your mother, she was too much in shock to really know what's goin' on." Mother. I hadn't even thought of her. "Is she really doing that poorly? If it's money she's worried about, she needn't be. Cal's ego will force him to take care of her. She will never want for anything again."

"No, Rose, it isn't that. She's grieving for you. I wish you would let me tell her you survived."

I was about to respond, then stopped myself, a sudden thought popping into my head. If Mother knew I was alive, my life would return to what it had been-stifling boredom and an inevitable marriage to a man I now hated.

"No, Molly," I answered at last. "I am sorry if she's suffering, but the life she wants for me isn't what I want. I can't go back, now or ever."

"Maybe now, after all the two of you have been through, she will understand what you want."

"Mother has never understood me. I saw in her eyes how much she hated Jack. He is going to be a part of me, forever. So, if she hated him, it's like hating me, too."

Molly rose from my cot and tried to look cheerful. "Come on. Whether you want it or not, we have to get somethin' warm inside you, or you're goin' to be one wilted Rose."

I smiled at that, and suddenly realized I was laughing, too. Softly, and just for a moment, but for the first time since Jack had left me forever, I felt truly alive.