Rose Dawson: Starting Anew
Chapter 2
A short while later, after I had finally had something to eat, Molly convinced me to go up to her room with her. She had been given a second-class cabin that was cozy and inviting. I settled on one of the beds, and Molly took a chair. She spoke up first.
"I know you will probably object, but I'd like you to stay here tonight. It will be warmer, and I'm still too worried about you to let you go back down to third class all alone."
"Molly, I appreciate your concern, but I can't accept your offer. Third class is comfortable enough. It's where I want to be."
"I know, but your health is already poor. Stayin' down below like you were surely didn't help any. Please, it's just for tonight and tomorrow. Then we'll be in New York."
"All right, if you really want me to." I could plainly see Molly was surprised by my quick acquiescence. She set about turning down the double bed next to the one I was sitting on.
"You're welcome to go to bed right now if you'd like. I'll be quiet as a church mouse, I swear." I smiled at that. Being deeply tired, I decided I would indeed go to sleep. As I slid beneath the covers, Molly spoke up again.
"Now, if you need anything, don't be afraid to wake me. I'm a light sleeper, so it won't take much."
"All right." I looked directly into her eyes. "Molly...thank you. I'm so glad now that I found you."
"So am I. You just sleep now, darlin'. We can talk in the mornin'." Saying nothing in response, I turned onto my side and pulled the covers up tight. Even as Molly disappeared into another room, I felt myself float away into sleep.
My own screams tore me out of sleep I don't know how much later. It was dark in the room now, too dark. My screams slowly died away. My body seemed to have a mind of its own. Before I knew it, my knees were drawn up to my chest, and I began to rock back and forth. Molly seemed to simply appear out of thin air. She sat on the bed and, without hesitation, put her arms around me.
"Oh, Rose, you're all right now. You're here with me, perfectly safe."
"No!" I said as I began to cry. "Things aren't all right! Jack..." Molly was quiet now, simply holding me. There was a sudden rapid knocking at her door.
"Molly, are you all right?" Molly and I both froze. It was my mother! I made no protest to her opening the door, so Molly went to reassure my mother. I listened tensely as they exchanged words.
"I was passing by on the way to my room, and I heard a scream."
"It wasn't me, Ruth. Sounds carry strangely around here. Must have been someone else in this hall."
"Maybe. Sorry to have disturbed you, then."
Something in the way Mother spoke to Molly made me realize that she had changed. When we had met Molly on the Titanic, Mother had wanted nothing to do with her. Now, she sounded truly concerned, and even friendly. I listened as their conversation continued.
"Oh, that's all right. Haven't been sleepin' much anyhow. Neither have you, I see." Now it was Molly's turn to be concerned.
"No," Mother answered softly. "Thinking about what might have happened to Rose makes everything else so unimportant. I know she didn't think so, but she was the most important person in my life."
My heart seemed to stop for a moment. I had never heard those words from Mother before, spoken to me or anyone else. My mother was excellent at deceiving people to give the right impression. I heard none of that in her voice now.
Molly continued, "Why don't you come on in and sit down? I'm wide awake anyway. Just give me a minute, darlin'."
She came back into the bedroom, doing a quick job of straightening her bed. She looked at me, her eyes asking me a question, but said nothing. I simply nodded my head in response. She left again, and I waited, holding my breath, as their footsteps grew closer to me. I wasn't going to hide. Whatever happened, I believed I could handle it.
Molly entered first, Mother immediately on her heels. Mother saw me right away. I will never forget the look on her face-surprise, confusion, and...joy. She seemed rooted to the spot at first, whispering my name. Then, Mother came over and stood beside my bed. Saying nothing, she drew me into her arms.
I was uncomfortable at first, because Mother had almost never embraced me. After a moment, when she began stroking my hair and holding me more tightly, I returned the embrace. Finally, here was the mother I had longed for my entire life.
It was quite a long time before Mother released me from that embrace. When she did, she sat on my bed, unable to take her eyes from my face.
"Rose, how on earth did you survive?" Looking over Mother's shoulder, I saw that Molly had left the room. Even she hadn't heard all I was going to say.
"I was able to hang on just long enough. A single lifeboat finally came back and picked me up. I could feel, deep inside, that I wouldn't survive much longer. I was cold, so, so cold." I hugged myself, shivering at the memory of that terrible water. I couldn't look at Mother now. Gently she reached over, tipping my face up to hers by placing her forefinger under my chin.
"Rose," she said, more softly than before, "I'm so happy you are all right. But what happened to Jack?"
I was completely taken aback by her question. It took me long seconds to answer.
"We stayed together through everything. Once the ship sank, we found a piece of driftwood. We tried to get on top of it, but it wouldn't hold us both. He helped me on and stayed in the water himself, holding my hand all the time. At first, we talked to each other, but soon, there was nothing left to say.
"There were so many other people around us, but eventually things got very, very quiet. I saw the boat coming back for us. I don't know how long we had been waiting.. I turned to Jack, calling his name, telling him the lifeboat was finally coming. His eyes were closed, but at first I thought he was just sleeping. Then I realized how still he was. His hand was frozen to mine. I knew then that he was dead. I released his hand from mine, watching him sink into the darkness of the water. I found a way for the people in the lifeboat to know I was alive, then waited for them to come pick me up. I wouldn't have cared if I had survived after I found that Jack was dead, except he had made me promise to live."
I was trying desperately not to cry in front of Mother; she had always despised tears. And I almost succeeded. Almost. My feelings overwhelmed me when I said, "Jack wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I know he loved me with all of his heart. And now he's dead."
Now, when I least wanted it, my tears flowed freely. I covered my face with my hands, not wanting Mother to see me like that.
"My sweet Rose, I am so sorry. I could see you loved Jack from the first. And I hated him because I knew he had nothing to offer you. Not the way Cal did. Now I know I was being terribly unfair, because Jack gave you something you needed much more than money. He gave you love."
I looked at Mother closely then, my tears ebbing, understanding what she was trying to say. I stayed silent as she continued.
"You see, I had known all along that Cal did not love you. Oh, of course he said so, and he had everyone else fooled. I wanted you to marry him for my own selfish reasons. I am very sorry for that, Rose."
Mother had given me so much in just these last few moments. I saw the guilt in her eyes, and I wanted to make it go away.
"Mother, you are just used to having enough money to live very comfortably. You...you don't have to tell Cal I'm alive and take me back to him to have that. He will take care of you forever, because of his sense of honor. You won't make me go back to him, will you?"
"No," she said firmly. "If Cal ever finds out you are alive, it will not be from me."
I wasn't until very late that night, when neither of us could keep our eyes open any longer, that Mother could finally bring herself to leave my room.
April 17, 1912
I woke and saw that Molly's bed was already empty. As I raised my head, she spoke from across the room.
"I'm right here, darlin'. The steward brought breakfast just a few minutes ago. Of course, he thinks it's just me here. I have no appetite this morning anyway. You're welcome to the food."
I knew she was lying just to get me to eat, but to my surprise, I found my appetite was returning. I took the tray and began to eat while Molly talked.
"I went to talk to your mother after she left you last night. She really is willin' to let you go, to find your own life. She'll miss you somethin' awful/"
I stopped eating, and pondered that a moment. Then, softly, I said, "Well, when I get settled somewhere, I can write to Mother and tell her where I am. She can visit me there." Still, I felt bad that I would be leaving her. The house in Philadelphia was so big, and the only constant company Mother would have would be the servants. Having heard how she really felt about me, I knew she would be lonely without me there.
Just then, there was a knock at the door, and Molly got up to answer it. Seconds later, Mother entered. She said, "Good morning," cheerfully enough, but I saw the worry in her eyes as she said, "How did you sleep, darling? I know it was your scream that brought me here last night. The entire night wasn't that horrible for you, was it?"
"No. After you left, I slept fine. And Molly was here. If I had needed anything, she would have taken care of me."
Mother turned to Molly now, smiling. "Yes, I know. I can't thank you enough."
"There's no need. I'm happy to help. Well, I'm needing some sun, so I'll be up on deck." As Molly left, I saw her wink at me. I moved my tray out of the way, and Mother sat down, very close to me.
"Rose, you still look so very tired. Would you rather I left so you can rest?"
I took Mother's hands to prevent her from getting up. "No," I said urgently. "I want you to stay. Please."
"I will. You seem so upset. What is it, darling?"
"It's just...to stay away from Cal, I can never go back to Philadelphia. I know you probably want me to. I just can't."
"I know that. I knew it last night, as we talked. That is why I am so reluctant to be apart from you. Because once we dock in New York, I fear I will never see you again."
I watched, astonished, as a tear slipped down Mother's cheek. Though I felt a bit awkward, I drew her close.
"You will, Mama, I promise." I paused. I hadn't called her Mama since I was five. "When I'm settled, I'll write. You can come visit for as long as you'd like. All right?"
She drew away from me and kissed my forehead. "Yes, of course, darling. I want you to find your own life, but I also want us to finally know each other. I have been a dreadful mother. I cannot go back and change the past. But we can have a future. A good future."
"Yes, we can." I kissed her softly on the cheek. Then, I put back my covers, got out of bed, and slipped into my shoes. "I need to go up on deck in the sun. I can't get warm." Though I tried to stop myself, I shivered. I saw the worry leap back into Mother's eyes.
"Even though we will be taking a chance, I'm going with you."