Rose Dawson: Starting Anew
Chapter 3
Mother, Molly, and I returned to the cabin about an hour later. The sunshine had warmed me considerably, but I was tired again. So I immediately got into bed, and Molly settled in to watch over me without my even having to ask. Mother said she was sorry, but she needed to go back to her own room for a while.
When I woke up, Mother had returned. She and Molly were talking quietly enough, but I could tell Mother was upset. I got out of bed and went to stand beside them. It was then that I saw the red marks on Mother's right cheek. Finger marks. Quietly, I asked, "Mother, who did that to you?"
She knew exactly what I was asking, and did not look away from me as she answered, "Cal. He came by my room earlier. I did not tell him about you, but he must have sensed something, because all of a sudden, he demanded to know where you were. When I refused to answer, he hit me."
"Mama!" I exclaimed. "I'm sorry! He had no right to do that. I used to think it was all right when he lost his temper with me. I was to be his wife. It was wrong for him to hit you, and me."
"Rose, when did he do that?" Mother sounded instantly angry.
"The night the ship sank. He was furious because I was spending time with Jack. I knew then that he would never change. He will always be jealous and angry. He has never really loved me. He thinks of me as a possession."
Mother took in this information, anger settling into her features. Then she went on, quietly. "I was so terrified Cal would somehow discover you were here. I came here as soon as his footsteps faded down the corridor. He must have gone somewhere to seethe in private."
I realized then that I desperately wanted Mother to stay with me when we came into port in New York. She could never be near Cal again. He would treat her the same way he had treated me. No one was going to hurt my mother. Not if I could do something about it.
Though I was afraid Mother would not understand, I had to try to make her see things as I did. To protect her. I said, as firmly as I could, "Mother, I don't think you should go back to Philadelphia. Cal might...I would be very worried. Cal is dangerous. We could stay together instead, and go anywhere else we choose."
Mother took her time in responding. "You know I do not want to be separated from you, darling. I have so many things left at loose ends, though. I think you are right about Cal, but I have to go to Philadelphia." Mother paused, and suddenly became very decisive. She continued, "I will gather our things, release the servants, and leave the sale of the house to a realtor. Then, I will come back to you."
The house. I hadn't thought about Mother having to sell it. Father had loved our house. When I was there, he seemed so close to me, always. Within my own heart, I apologized to him for even thinking of letting someone else live there. It was the way things had to be.
Molly spoke up now. "While you're back home, Ruth, I'll be happy to go with Rose to the Waldorf-Astoria. I've heard they're gonna have rooms for some of us when we arrive. I was only planning to stay in New York for two or three days, but I'll stay for as long as it takes Rose to settle in. I can pay for the room for as long as you think you'll be, Ruth."
Before Mother could respond, I said, "Stay in Mr. Astor's hotel? Do we have to?" I saw a shadow pass over each of their faces. Molly gave this response. "It will be warm, with good food and plenty of people to help with anything we might need. And Astor sure wouldn't want folks to stay away from the hotel because he's gone."
"You're right, Molly," I said quietly. "So, have we got a plan, then?"
"Yes," Mother and Molly answered together. Still, I was nervous about Mother being alone.
"Mama," I began, my anxiety too obvious. "You will be very careful, won't you?"
"Yes, I promise you." She hugged me quickly. "Try not to worry about me. Concentrate on yourself. You still have to recover from all you have been through."
"I will. Molly will help me."
"You bet your life." She reached out and squeezed my hand.
Mother spoke up again. "When I come back, Rose, we won't be apart until we are both ready."
I remained in the cabin for the rest of the journey. My exhaustion and emotional state made sleep come easily, but it was tormented, splintered sleep. Dreams came every time I closed my eyes-frightening, horribly vivid dreams. I would awake not knowing where I was, calling out for Jack.
I realized vaguely that Mother and Molly were taking turns watching over me. Molly handled things very well, but Mother often cried with me. She would hold me very tightly, and I would often drift back into sleep while still in her arms.
Sleeping so much made me lose all track of time. Once, I awakened and lay looking out at the gloomy day, when Molly said, "We're about to dock, darlin'. You need to be getting ready to go."
I got out of bed and put on my shoes. I had to literally rub the sleep from my eyes. Softly, I asked, "Where is Mother?"
"In her room. She says we should each disembark separately. To avoid drawing attention to ourselves."
"Fine. Who will be going first?"
"Me, to distract the newspaper people that are bound to be hangin' around. Once the crowd thins and we find each other, we'll head for our hotel room."
My mind was still on something else. After a brief look in Molly's direction, I said, "I don't have to say good-bye to Mother yet, do I?"
She heard the dread in my voice, and answered, very gently, "No. She said you'll do that outside, once you're both past the mob scene. Come on. Let's go out and wait our turn to get off."
When we went out, I looked around cautiously, afraid Cal might be lurking. I didn't see him anywhere, and I immediately relaxed. I watched silently as we docked, feeling very small, my hands lost inside the sleeves of Cal's coat.
After a moment, I saw Mother enter and linger well behind me and Molly. We were completely docked now, and the crew was preparing things so we could get off the ship. Unfortunately, it was raining. Hard.
Once people began to disembark, things went surprisingly fast. Molly was one of the first to go. Eventually, Mother went. Then, at last, with most everyone gone, I felt ready to step outside. I went down the ramp slowly, pelted by rain. When I got to the bottom, someone asked me my name. I almost gave my true name, but at the last second, I changed my mind.
Even though I had always loved my father dearly, and had been proud to bear his name, I was a different person now. I knew Jack would be a part of me forever, that we had been permanently united through those few days we spent together. So, I felt I was answering with the name that belonged to me as much as to Jack when I said, "Dawson. Rose Dawson."
I stood there a moment, looking up at the Statue of Liberty. Jack had only ended up on the Titanic by chance, and yet, I knew he had been looking forward to coming home to America. Absentmindedly, I slid my hands into my coat pockets. Immediately, my left hand closed on something, and I brought it out. I had to make an effort not to gasp. The diamond necklace! I would have something to remember Jack by after all! I looked at it a few seconds, puzzled. Then, I hurriedly slipped it back into my pocket, and went off to find Mother and Molly.
There were not many people lingering on the dock, so I found Mother and Molly quickly. They could see by my expression that something had happened, but I didn't want to tell them about the necklace now. I didn't have time to explain how important it was to me. In the back of my mind, I thought Mother might take it from me. It was worth so much money, and that was what she wanted most right now.
Mother and I were just beginning to know each other. I didn't want that to be ruined. I forgot about the necklace for the time being and focused on saying good-bye to Mother.
I turned to her, but before I could speak, she did.
"Rose, are you certain you will be all right? You look very ill."
"I'm fine. Take care of things in Philadelphia, and come back as quickly as you can, please." My eyes were pleading along with my words, and Mother saw it.
"Yes, of course I will. It's raining so hard. You will be soaked through! Go with Molly now, get dry and warm at the hotel. I love you, Rose. Please, take care of yourself."
"I will, Mama. Good-bye." I kissed her quickly. Molly said good-bye as well, then she and I went to find a carriage to take us to the Waldorf. Fortunately, there were many that had gathered nearby, anticipating passengers from the dock. Once Molly and I had gotten in, I began to shiver almost uncontrollably. Molly gave me a very concerned look, saying, "Rose, if you are sick, tell me now. We can go to a hospital instead."
"No! I just need to be indoors where it's warm. I'll be fine."
Reluctantly, Molly told the coachman to take us to the hotel. On the way, she put a protective arm around my shoulders. I tried very hard to stop shivering, but I couldn't.
"Molly," I whispered weakly. "I'm so cold."
"I know, darlin'." She drew me closer. "I'm sorry. We'll be at the hotel in just a few minutes. Just hang on."
We did indeed get there very quickly. When it was time for me to get out of the carriage, the driver almost had to come carry me down the step himself. I leaned heavily against Molly as we walked into the Waldorf's lobby.
A man who I thought must be the concierge approached and immediately began to speak to Molly.
"Mrs. Brown, " he began, almost sickeningly cheerful. "We have been expecting you! Will this young woman be sharing a room with you?"
"Yes. She has no family here, and needs someone to look after her."
"Yes, of course." Now the gentleman simply sounded kind. He saw how I looked, and led us toward the registration desk. "We have reserved Room 215 for you. Will that be satisfactory?"
"Yes, thank you." A desk clerk gave Molly the key, then spoke to me. "I'll need to take your name please, miss."
"Rose Dawson." I surprised even myself by using Jack's name again. I saw that Molly was surprised as well, but she quickly covered it up. The concierge told us to call on him if we needed anything. Then, Molly and I went quickly up to our room.
All I noticed about it upon entering was that it was warm, and the bed looked very soft and inviting. But of course, before I could get into bed, I had to remove my wet clothes. I wondered whether now was the time to tell Molly what I had discovered in my pocket. I decided not to keep the secret any longer. I removed the coat, then took the necklace out of the pocket. I wordlessly held it out to Molly.
"Where on earth did you get that?"
"This was Cal's engagement present to me. I found it in the pocket of his coat, the one I've been wearing all this time. I didn't find the necklace there until we docked. He was only looking for me to try to take this back. He will never see it again. It's mine."
Molly was puzzled. "If it came from Cal, why is it so important to you?"
"You already know Jack was an artist. I saw some of his drawings. The last one he ever did, on the night the ship sank, was of me. I was wearing this. I never wore it for Cal. Only Jack."
"I understand now," Molly said softly. I could see that she truly did. "You'll have to find somewhere safe to keep it."
"I'm keeping it with me," I said firmly. "For now, I'll just have to keep it here." I put it carefully into the bedside nightstand's top drawer, and immediately closed it again. Then, I went into the bathroom to get out of the rest of my soaked clothes.
When I returned, wearing a long, warm robe belonging to the hotel, Molly said, "Later today I'll go shopping for you. You're going to need at least a few things before your mother comes back."
"Molly, no," I said, feeling terribly guilty. "You don't have to buy me anything. I appreciate it, but really, it will be too much trouble."
"Oh, no, darlin'. I'll be happy to do it. I promised your mother I'd look out for you. I keep my promises."
"Well...thank you, Molly. I'm so glad you're here."
"So am I. Now, please get some sleep."
I turned, and saw the bed was already turned down. I got in, covered up, and was asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow.
I woke suddenly, and immediately looked at the clock. Two PM. We had arrived not long after nine PM the day before! I must have needed more sleep than I realized. I felt very rested now, and at long last, I was truly warm. Reluctantly, I sat up. The room was empty except for me. Molly must have gone out to shop while I was sleeping. I got out of bed and found a pair of slippers with the hotel emblem on them beside it. Molly must have found them somewhere. I put them on.
I saw a note on the nightstand and went and picked it up, unfolding the page.
It read:
Dear Rose,
I'll be back from shopping as soon as I can. I checked with registration to see if Cal was here. He's not. Must have gone right home. I've paid up the room for two weeks. Room service said they'll be happy to bring you anything you need. Stay warm.
Love,
Molly
Putting the note back, I opened the drawer and took out the necklace, cradling it in my hands. All Cal had seen when he looked at it was how much money it was worth. For me, it had a value beyond any measure. Still, I wondered if Mother would truly understand when I explained it to her.
Suddenly, my attention was focused on my hands rather than what was in them. My engagement ring! I hadn't looked at it in days. Not since I had showed it to Jack. I certainly didn't need it anymore. I was not going to marry Cal. When Mother and I needed money, we could sell the ring instead. I put the necklace away and went to the window. The sky was quite clear now, the sun shining brightly. My heart still ached for Jack, but I knew going on with my life was what I had to do. Not just because of my promise to Jack, but for myself, too.
Mother and I were going to build a good life. I didn't know how long I would stay with her, but it would be until she felt she could be without me. That was strange, thinking Mother needed me more than I needed her. Still, I wondered where I would go after leaving her. My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the key turning in the lock. A porter entered, his arms full of parcels. He put them down on Molly's bed, she thanked him, tipped him, and he left silently. Molly smiled when she saw me.
"Oh, good, you're awake. I hope what I've brought will be enough. Guessed at what size you take, too. Hope they fit." She took a smaller bag from one of the larger ones, then handed it to me, saying, "Thought you could use that. Maybe writing things down will help."
I looked inside and found a journal. So, I have written about my last few days, and now here I am-April 18, 1912. I don't know how long I will write like this, but it has made me feel better.
A short while later, I had finished trying on the clothes. They were simpler than what I was accustomed to, and just what I wanted. I rejoined Molly, wearing an outfit of light blue. She had ordered room service while I was trying on my new wardrobe. I hadn't even heard the food being brought in.
Molly smiled when I came out. "Well, that looks very pretty on you, darlin'." Glad it fits."
"Everything does. Perfectly. Thank you again."
"You're welcome." She gestured toward one of the room service trays. "Are you hungry?"
"Yes, very. I slept the entire time you were gone. I was awake less than five minutes before you came in."
"You needed the sleep. You do look better. How do you feel?"
"All right. Warm. That's the best thing I could ask for."
"Yes, it is. Now, stop talking and eat, darlin'."
I did, relishing the food as I had never done before. When I had finished, I got up and went to the window as I had done earlier. The sun was still shining brightly. The blue of the sky now seemed to be the same shade as Jack's eyes.
Jack, I'm going to keep my promise. I am going to survive. I love you, always.
"He knows that, Rose." I jumped at the sound of Molly's voice. I did not even realize I had spoken aloud.
"I hope so. Looking out at the sky, it feels as if Jack is watching me."
"Maybe he is. He could be taking care of you. Maybe he led you to me." That was something I hadn't even considered.
"I think so. I'm glad he did. I don't know what would have happened to me if I had been all alone."
"You're not, and you are doin' much better. Everything is gonna to work out just fine for you, you'll see."
Little did either of us know how dreadfully wrong Molly would be.