Rose Dawson:Starting Anew
Chapter 4
After eating, I was dreadfully tired, so I put my robe on over my clothes and got into bed. I did not have to wait for sleep to come. When I woke, I had no idea where I was at first. I was still nestled in my dream, where Jack was. It had been as if he were alive again. We had kissed, as we had aboard Titanic, so gently and passionately. I wanted to stay in my dream state, where Jack could be alive again.
I pleaded with Jack to let me stay, but he was firm. "No, Rose. You can't stay. You have a promise to keep. Just remember, I love you." That was when I woke up, Jack's voice still echoing in my heart and mind. I looked around, expecting him to be nearby to comfort me. Then, everything that had happened rushed back to me. My tears came then, the most terrible, wrenching ones I had ever allowed myself to shed.
Through my tears, I fumbled to open the drawer beside me, then took the necklace into my hands. "Jack, why did you leave me?" I was surprised to find I was angry. Very angry. "I love you so much, and I need you! I'm afraid to go on alone."
"I know that, Rose." Jack's voice! It came softly to me, as if Jack were right beside me, whispering in my ear. "I love you, Rose. I know you're scared, but you have to find your life. One you want. You promised."
I spoke out loud once more, almost without realizing it. "I know I made a promise, Jack. I'm going to keep it. Whatever happens, I will never forget you, or stop loving you."
My voice trembled badly, and I grew silent. I thought I heard someone outside the door, but soon all was quiet again. A moment or two later, Molly rushed into the room, obviously upset, and pale.
"He isn't here. Thank God!"
I was completely puzzled. "Who?"
Molly looked directly into my eyes as she answered. "Cal. He came into the hotel a few minutes ago, asking if you were registered. At first, he asked for you under your legal name. Then he somehow knew to ask if there was anyone named Rose Dawson registered. I came up as fast as I could, expecting to find him here."
"He hasn't been here," I answered very calmly. "If he had the room number, why hasn't he?" I paused, musing, and looked down at the necklace, which I had almost forgotten I was holding. Then the answer came to me. "Oh, Molly...he did come up here. I thought I heard someone outside the door. I had just awakened from a dream, and I was speaking out loud, talking to Jack. Cal must have heard me and left. He must think I've gone mad!"
"Well, if he does, maybe he'll leave you alone now, darlin'."
"Maybe." That did relieve me greatly. Now I was worried about something else. "I'm not insane, am I?"
My fear must have been obvious, because Molly immediately sat down beside me and drew me into her arms. "No, of course you're not. It's just that you're so grief-stricken. You need time, Rose. Things will get better."
After remaining with me a while, Molly left again, to give me time alone with my thoughts. I considered how close Cal had gotten to me, and discovered I wasn't afraid of him anymore. He would never have me, or the necklace, ever again. Overhearing me had prevented him completely.
Jack had saved me one more time.
April 27, 1912
After the near-disaster with Cal, things were very calm. My dreams were not so terrible now, and I was quite comfortable. Molly was preparing to leave for home. At lunchtime, I was in the room, and Molly was there, too, packing the few things she had bought for herself into her new suitcase. Suddenly, there was a brisk knock at the door. Molly answered, and came back with a telegram.
"This is in your name, Rose." She held it out to me. Somehow, I couldn't bear to take it, so I said weakly, "Would you read it, please?"
Molly opened and read the message, then paled and sat on her bed.
"Molly, what's wrong?" I was very alarmed. I knew Molly was not easily flustered.
"It's...it's from your butler, at home."
"Charles? But why wouldn't Mother send her own telegram?"
Molly avoided my eyes. "He says she got home just fine, and was gathering your things. Then, she went to sleep a few nights ago, and in the morning she wouldn't wake up."
"No..." My voice was a barely audible whisper. "She can't be..."
"Yes, Rose." Molly was speaking in her most soothing tone, but it didn't help now. "Your mother is dead. I am so sorry." She was trying very hard not to cry. When she came over and tried to embrace me, I pushed her away.
"It's not true! Mother promised she would be back, and she will!" I shed no tears now; I had no tears left. Molly still had the telegram in her hand, and she continued, "He asks you to come as soon as possible."
"I'll go, but he has to be lying! Mother was fine!"
Molly held the telegram out to me. "Look for yourself, darlin'." I did, reading it over several times. At last it began to sink in. I began thinking about all I had to do. I spoke out loud, talking more to myself than Molly.
"The train ride will seem so long. I must catch the earliest one I can. There are so many things...the funeral arrangements, and the house...I will have to put it up for sale now. I don't know how to do those things. Now I really am alone."
Molly's voice was very firm when she spoke now. "No, you're not. I'm going with you. Cal will still be going home, and he may come to your house, especially when he hears that Ruth has died. And now the one thing he wants most will be there, too. We won't be able to hide the fact that you've come home, Rose. He will try to get the necklace back from you. You know that. Once you're finished with things in Philadelphia, I want you to come home with me."
That got my attention. Finally, I put the telegram down, looking Molly in the eye. "Oh, no. You don't have to take care of me. After Philadelphia, I'm not sure where I'll go, but I can manage on my own." I put my legs over the side of the bed and sat there, trying to gather myself for the coming days of grief and uncertainty. Molly took her time in answering. When she did, she sat beside me on the bed.
"Rose," she began softly, "I made your mother a promise to take care of you. As far as I'm concerned, it's even more important now that I keep it. I'm staying with you until I'm absolutely sure you will be all right on your own. Because I love you, Rose, just like your mother did."
I fell into her arms then, not crying, just grateful to have someone hold me. I smelled perfume that I knew must be something Molly had recently bought, as I had never noticed it before. Verbena. Just like Mother had worn.
April 28, 1912
Molly and I left this morning on the earliest train. We talked very little, and I spent the majority of the trip staring out the window. The one thought that kept coming back to me was that first Jack had left me, and now Mother had, too.
Suddenly, I was thinking of my father. He had been gone several years now. I found myself wishing he could be here to comfort me. He was such a kind, gentle man, and he had always known just what to say to make me feel better.
By the time we arrived in Philadelphia, I was terribly nervous and frightened. I was so glad Molly had come with me.
After we had gotten our few bags from the porter, Molly and I found a carriage to take us to my house. It was only a few minutes away from the station, something I had always been glad of previously. Now I wished it took a long, long time. I didn't want to go into my house now, or ever again. I knew I had to.
When the carriage drew up in front of the house, I got out as slowly as I could. Molly had gotten out first, and she seemed to be shielding me physically as we walked up to the door. She rang the bell and waited. Charles answered quickly.
"Oh, Miss Rose. Your mother said you wouldn't be coming home. What a wonderful surprise!" For a moment I just looked at him, completely confused. Charles wasn't behaving like a man who was in a house of mourning. He had mentioned Mother so casually. Molly spoke up.
"Rose had to come home. I didn't want her to travel alone."
"No, of course not. Please come in, ladies." As we entered, he bowed to Molly. "You must be Mrs. Brown. Welcome."
"Call me Molly. Everybody does."
Charles smiled slightly, giving away the fact that he instantly liked Molly. He had given me that same smile since I was a child. Finally, I found my voice.
"Charles, it was you who told me to come home. I got the wire yesterday."
"I'm sorry, Miss. I sent no wire. There must have..."
Charles trailed off as footsteps approached. Mother entered, and stared at me in surprise. "Rose, why have you come? I promised I would come back to New York soon, darling."
I couldn't think of a single thing to say, and suddenly I slipped into blackness.
Upon opening my eyes, I found myself in my bedroom. Mother and Molly were both there, obviously worried. My voice was weak as I said, "What happened? How did I get up here?"
Mother approached my bed, answering, "You fainted, darling. Charles carried you up." I stared at Mother so long, she asked me what was the matter.
"I got a telegram at the hotel, saying you were..." I couldn't say that word, even now. Molly stepped forward, taking the telegram from her pocket.
"Here, Ruth. Read this."
She did, quickly. Then she looked at me, filled with regret. "Rose, I'm so sorry. Obviously there has been a terrible mistake. Charles would not have sent this. He has been here with me since I arrived."
I sat up. "However it happened, I was so frightened! I desperately hoped it would be a lie. Still, when I saw you, I was so shocked!" Mother came closer now, sat on my bed, took my face in her hands and kissed my forehead.
"Darling, everything is all right. Soon we will discuss where we will go next. For now, would you like to be left alone to rest?"
"No, I'm fine." I put back my covers and got out of bed to prove it. "Actually, I would like to walk through the house a while."
Mother spoke almost without a pause. "The key to the locked room is in your jewelry box." Molly looked puzzled, but did not ask what Mother meant. They left, and I took the key from its hiding place. The key to Father's study. His favorite room, the room where he still seemed to be, somehow.
Mother kept the room locked to preserve it for me, not herself. She never went into it that I knew of. I knew that if she had her choice, she would have sold Father's things long ago. Father knew how much I loved his room, and when he had asked Mother to leave it as it was, she could not deny him.
I entered the room silently. It was so familiar to me I believed I could navigate it in total darkness. My favorite place to sit was Father's leather desk chair. I did so now, settling in and closing my eyes. My mind drifted back in time, to my twelfth birthday...
The only person who really remembered my birthday was Father, and he was in the hospital, again. He had been sick for so long, I had actually grown accustomed to his comings and goings. I always expected him to return home.
But at lunchtime, Mother came home to tell me I must go to the hospital with her. To say good-bye. I had gone quietly, proud of myself for not crying in front of Mother. While I was alone with Father, everything had come pouring out of me.
"Daddy, please don't leave me. I promise, I'll be the best daughter in the world. Just please get well and come home..."
I was brought out of my reverie by the sound of raised voices. Mother's...and Cal's! I wasn't afraid of him anymore, but I couldn't bear to go out and face him. I could hear them perfectly, so I listened from where I was.
"Ruth, I know Rose is alive, and she must come home eventually. Where is she, exactly?"
"She is not here. You're certain she survived, but you will have to look for her elsewhere. Now, please, I have so much to do." Cal, of course, could not be put off so easily.
"You're lying, Ruth. I see it in your eyes. Tell me where Rose is, now!"
"Even if I knew, I would not tell you. I see now the kind of man you are, and why my daughter did not want to marry you!"
Cal hit Mother, hard. As soon as she had said those words, I knew he would. I went to the door of the study, wanting to go and try to protect Mother. I couldn't stand to see Cal's face again, so I locked myself in the room instead. Just in case. I listened with great surprise to what happened next. Molly spoke up firmly.
"Listen, sonny. I knew there was something wrong with you the first time I saw you. Something in those beady eyes of yours told me so. If you don't get out of here, I'll tell someone who will do something about it that you forged that telegram."
Cal had no answer for that. I wondered, how was Molly so certain he had done it? Molly answered that question for me. "Sure is convenient, you showing up here now. You can try to find Rose. You just know she's somewhere in this house, don't you? Because you're the one who summoned her. How could you stoop so low as to make that child think her mother was dead? If you make one move to try and find her, I'll hit you. Let's see how you like it, you slippery little eel! Go on, try me."
I heard Cal simply leave the house. He was not one to give up easily, so he must have believed Molly would do more than hit him. Mother would never have said things like Molly just did. At that moment I was very glad that Molly was unladylike!
I felt for the necklace, tucked safely in my pocket. After another moment or two, I joined Mother and Molly. Molly smiled at me, seeming quite proud of herself. "You overheard, I see. Hopefully that little rat will leave you alone now."
"I hope so," I said firmly. I wasn't sure, though. Cal would go away for a while, yes. I felt, deep inside, that he would return.
May 3, 1912
The house was now ready to be sold. All of the things Mother and I planned to take with us were packed away. I was leaving almost all of my remaining possessions behind. They were a part of who I once was, not who I wanted to be.
Molly had left for her home in Colorado two days previous. She had asked me to please write once I was settled. I promised her I would. Even so, she had left very reluctantly.
The one thing Mother had not decided was where to go. When we sat down to discuss it, I had already made up my mind. I knew Mother would not understand, but when she asked where I wished to go, I answered, without hesitation, "Wisconsin."
"Wisconsin? Why?"
I had expected much more protest. Instead, Mother simply waited for me to explain. "Well...that is where Jack was from. He hadn't been there in five years, but he did grow up there. It's one of the places that shaped who he was. I need to go there, where he will be closest to me. Can you understand?"
Mother looked directly into my eyes. "Yes, Rose. If it is what you want, we are going to Wisconsin. It will take me some time to adjust." She seemed very embarrassed by this. I knew we would both be experiencing a place that was entirely new to us, and quite different from what we were accustomed to. But I knew I would be much more at ease than Mother. But that wasn't her fault, not really.
"I know it will take some time for you to get used to everything," I said quietly. "That's fine."
I looked around the room. "Part of me wants to stay here, too. I feel so guilty, letting strangers take Daddy's house."
"I know you do. But it isn't safe here for either of us now. We have to go." Mother reached into her pocket. "You left this upstairs, on your dresser." She held the object out to me. Father's watch. It was still so beautiful.
It was the last thing he had ever given me, literally on his deathbed, in that horrible hospital. I remembered it as if it were yesterday.
I entered the room so quietly, in case Father was sleeping, fearing I might wake him. But as soon as I had crossed the threshold, I saw him smiling at me. He had a great sadness in his eyes that he couldn't hide, not from me. I was the one who knew him best. His sadness made me afraid, and I approached his bed timidly.
"Daddy, Mother said I had to come. What's the matter?"
He did not mince words. He had always been very direct with me, talking to me as if I were an adult. I appreciated that very much. No one else except the servants really talked to me. I settled on the bed as he answered.
"Rose, I will never be coming home again. I am so sorry. What I am most afraid of is leaving you alone."
I knew exactly what he meant, and I began to cry so hard my head ached. He looked so small, and so obviously tired. I could hardly remember him as he used to be, when his smile lit up his entire face, and he could spend his free time playing with me without getting tired.
I watched with blurred vision as he removed his watch from his bed jacket pocket. He asked me to come closer, and lean over so he could kiss my cheek. Then he pressed the watch gently into my hand.
"Rose, I want you to have this. I know it is a man's watch, but that is not important. I hope when you hold it and look at it, you will remember me." He reached up, ever so gently brushing away my tears. "Always remember, my little Rose, Daddy loves you. I'm sorry I can't stay with you. Time is so precious, and I haven't given you enough of mine. I apologize."
"It's not your fault, Daddy. You've been sick so long." I asked him something then that had been weighing on my mind for far too long.
"Daddy...are you still going to be in pain after you die?"
"No, my darling, I won't. I must tell you, I've written in my will that you are to keep the watch. Just in case your mother tries to take it away."
My hand closed protectively around it. "She won't. It belongs to me now."
He smiled slightly. "Yes, it does. Now, I'm sorry, Rose, but I'm so very tired. You should go." I kissed him, then reluctantly went to the door. There, I turned around.
"Good-bye, Daddy. I love you."
I walked out into the hallway, wiping away the last of my tears. I opened my hand again, then opened the cover on the watch. 1:30 PM. I knew that very soon, Daddy would be dead. When I had said good-bye, it was forever. I felt something on the back of the watch, and turned it over. An inscription? I knew it had not been there the last time I had seen it. I read it silently.
To my sweet Rose,
I love you, for all time.
Daddy
"Rose, are you listening?" Mother's voice pulled me out of my memories. I quickly recovered myself.
"What were you saying?"
"I said, I think we should sell the necklace Cal gave you. It belongs to you now, and it was horrendously expensive, I know."
I couldn't help myself; I practically leapt up from the couch, my hand slipping into the pocket where the necklace was safely nestled. "No! It's mine! I won't let you take it!"
This was history repeating itself. Mother had tried to take Daddy's watch at first, and failed. This time, I could not find the words to express my feelings, so I fled to my room.
I lay on my bed for a long time, not crying, just thinking. About Jack, and Daddy. The only men I had ever really loved. I would have something to remember them both now, no matter what Mother said.
After a time, Mother came to me, gently resting her hand on my back. "Rose," she asked quietly, "Why is the necklace so important? I've seen that you keep it with you always."
I turned to look at her, very calm. "It's all I have to remember Jack. He was such a wonderful artist, and he drew me wearing it. That made me feel like we were one. I've never felt that with anyone else. Please, don't take the necklace away from me." I looked at her silently for a moment, waiting. Then she drew me into her arms.
"I won't, Rose. I'm sorry. I didn't know. It's yours, forever." I remained in Mother's arms a long time. I knew that if she could forgo so much money just to make me happy, she really did love me.