Rose Dawson: Starting Anew

Chapter 5

May 5, 1912

When Mother and I left for Wisconsin this morning, I was both excited and nervous. It seemed with every passing mile, jack was closer to me. My nerves soon calmed almost completely.

I sold my engagement ring to be able to afford our train tickets. When we get to Chippewa Falls, we are going to rent some rooms for a while. Eventually, Mother wants to settle into another house. But I don't think she will do that now. She would much prefer another city on the east coast.

Even though we have not yet arrived at our destination, I feel like my new life is beginning. Jack should be here with me, but at least I'm not totally alone. The only real reason I am starting over is because of my promise. I believe if I had not made it, I would have stayed with Jack and died in the Atlantic.

As Mother and I tried to sleep, I kept waking up from nightmares. I refused to let them make me cry, but I couldn't shake off the feelings of fear, loneliness, and sadness they gave me. Eventually, I leaned against Mother, giving up trying to sleep for now. She began to wonder if we had chosen the wrong place to go. She said, very bluntly, "Rose, we should go somewhere else. Maybe Boston, or Colorado, to stay with Molly. Getting so close to where Jack was from may be causing your dreams."

"No, Mother," I protested firmly "Going to Wisconsin may be the only thing that will actually help me. I need to go, and you said you would respect my wishes as far as this was concerned. I will feel much better once we get there."

"All right, Rose. If you are that certain, I trust your judgment. Aren't you the least bit worried about going somewhere entirely new?"

"I was much more nervous when we started out. Now I am mostly wondering how I will explain having a different last name than my own mother without being married."

"That should be quite simple. Just tell everyone you are a widow. No one will ask questions about that."

I was surprised that Mother would suggest that I lie to protect myself. I had expected her to say I should just use my given name. Still, there were problems with this. I began to whisper very low, just in case someone nearby might be listening.

"I haven't got a wedding band, and if I were really a widow, I should be wearing black, shouldn't I?"

"Yes, custom says you should, but I don't want you to. You feel badly enough already. If anyone asks about that, we'll think of some explanation. The ring I can help you with."

Mother reached into her pocket. "I've been carrying this with me to be sure it didn't get lost along the way. How strange that you should need it." She opened her hand. Her own wedding ring!

"Oh, no, Mama. I...I couldn't wear that. It wouldn't be right."

"We certainly can't be seen buying something like this. It must already be on your finger when we arrive. I don't wear it anymore, and you won't be disrespecting my marriage to your father, I promise you. Please, darling. Take it."

"All right." I was still more than a little reluctant, but I slipped the ring onto my finger. I was surprised when it fit almost perfectly. It was much more expensive than what Jack could have bought, but I didn't intend for anyone else to know that. I silently apologized to him for wearing something so extravagant. The thing I wished for most was that Jack had put the ring on my finger himself. I had to be sure Mother would never mention Jack's name in front of anyone but myself, ever again. So I said, "Mother, I don't want to talk about the night Jack died, not ever again. Even mentioning his name in front of other people will lead to too many questions. So, if we ever talk about him again, it can only be when we're sure no one else will hear. All right?"

"Yes, whatever you want. Now really, darling, we have quite a long way to go yet. You should try to sleep."

"No, I...I can't. I would rather talk instead. About Daddy."

"What about him?" Mother sounded like this was the last thing she wanted to discuss, but she listened attentively as I began.

"You tried to take Daddy's watch from me because you were jealous of how much I loved him, isn't that right?"

"Yes. But I had to honor his will. I did realize it was one of the few things you would have to remember him by."

"Didn't you let me keep it mostly because I got so sick right after Daddy died?"

"That is true. It was literally the day after he passed away that you came down with that terrible fever. I was so angry with Andrew for leaving you, because I knew he was the only one who could really comfort you. I felt completely helpless. The doctor did everything he could. Then he told me to be prepared for you to die. With the state you were in, you kept asking for your father. All I could do was ask him to take care of you. You had been sick an entire week and a half by then. The next evening you were recovered. I knew it had to be Andrew who had made you well, somehow. After that, I could never have taken anything of his away from you."

My voice was very small as I answered, "All I remember of being so ill are things you have told me. I can't even recall the doctor coming."

"I know. At best, you were semi-conscious. That was the most frightening thing I had ever been through. Until I thought you had died in the sinking." She looked closely at my face. "Darling, you still don't seem well. Please, go to sleep." I didn't protest now. I simply closed my eyes and drifted off.

I was startled awake sometime later. When I opened my eyes, a frightened little girl was staring at me. All she could manage was a very soft, "I'm sorry." Before I could respond, a woman who was obviously the child's mother came up behind her.

"Caroline, what did you do?"

She turned to her mother, her voice still very small. "I...I woke the lady up. I said I was sorry."

"I hope so. Come sit down before you get into anymore trouble."

Caroline turned to me again. "I didn't mean to, honest. I've been sitting too long. This train is slow."

"Yes, it is. I'm in a hurry to get where I'm going, too."

"Where are you going?"

This question made Caroline's mother angry. "Young lady, don't be so nosy! Where this lady is going isn't your business." The little girl looked very frightened now, and I felt like I had to help her. I spoke up quickly.

"I don't mind, really. I'm going to Wisconsin."

Her eyes lit up. "Me, too! My daddy is waiting for me and Mama there."

Caroline's mother took her hand, trying to lead her away. "Come on. Leave the nice lady alone now."

The little girl protested immediately. "Please, Mama, I want to stay here and talk. Just for a little while."

Her mother turned to me. "Would you mind? She has been lonely. If she gets to be too much, I'm just a few rows up."

I smiled to reassure her. "I'll be happy to have the extra company. I'll bring her to you soon." Caroline's mother left, and the little girl immediately asked permission to sit on my lap. I was a bit surprised by this, but I happily consented.

After she settled in, she noticed Mother for the first time. She became shy again as she asked her, "What's your name?"

Mother smiled as she answered, "Ruth, and this is my daughter, Rose."

Caroline smiled. "Thanks for letting me stay. Rose is a pretty name."

"Thank you. Your name is pretty, too."

She wrinkled her nose. "It's all right." Suddenly, her eyes clouded with worry. "Is something wrong with you, Rose? You look sick."

I answered firmly, trying to dispel her worry. "No, I'm just tired."

"Why, can't you sleep?"

"No. Too many nightmares."

"I have those, too. Do you cry?"

"I used to. Not anymore."

"Oh, good. It scares me when grown-ups cry. I hope I can make you feel better." I smiled at the simplicity of her statement. I dearly wished she could. We sat together a while longer, all three of us talking. Then I took Caroline back to her mother. She still didn't want to leave me, so I promised to say good-bye at the station. Then I rejoined Mother, taking my seat at the window and watching the miles slip by.

I was wide awake most of the night, staring out into the darkness. Mother and I spoke very little. Sleep finally came to me not long before dawn. When I woke about two hours later, I had a terribly queasy stomach. I knew how worried Mother already was, so I ignored it and went back to sleep for another hour or so. Then I felt fine. But Mother was watching me, too closely.

I did my best to put her at ease. "Mama, I'm fine. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I don't feel nearly so tired anymore. And the fresh air in Wisconsin will do me good."

"I'm sure it will. It's just that you really don't seem well. If you were to get sick again, especially after all you have been through, I just couldn't..." Mother looked ready to cry. I decided now was the time to tell her something she knew nothing about. I looked around us and saw that all of the seats nearest us were empty now.

"Mama, I'm not afraid, because Jack is protecting me. I feel it. He has already told me it isn't time for me to be with him. I have to build a happy life until I can join him."

I expected Mother to tell me I must be out of my mind. Instead, she hugged me and began to cry in earnest. I hated seeing her cry. "Mama, I told you that so you wouldn't cry. I didn't mean to make things worse."

"It's all right, darling. Really. I had no idea how strongly you felt, that's all. I do believe he must be protecting you, but a visit to a doctor couldn't hurt."

"No, and I will go. You have my word."

"Thank you. We should be arriving in Chippewa Falls sometime tomorrow. I don't know exactly where we will stay, but we will find something."

Caroline's mother, who was passing us by, stopped short. "Caroline and I are going to the same town. My husband is staying in a boarding house there. We will be joining him. He happened to mention in his last letter that there are several vacant rooms. Would you like to come with us?"

I wasn't sure what to say. Mother spoke for both of us. "Yes, thank you. My daughter and I appreciate the offer."

"You're welcome. I'm sorry, I haven't introduced myself. My name is Elizabeth Collins."

"My name is Ruth, and my daughter's name is Rose."

"Yes, I know. Caroline went on about both of you last night. I'm afraid that if we are rooming in the same place, she will want to spend most of her time with you. Are you sure she won't be a bother?"

"Yes," Mother and I answered in unison. Then I continued. "She really does seem to like me. I'm not sure why."

"Me, either, but I know she must be very taken with you to want to talk as freely as she did. She is usually so shy. I know I shouldn't worry about that, because Caroline is only seven, but I can't help it. I'm sorry for going on so long. When we get off at the station, we'll be waiting for you."

Elizabeth excused herself and went back to Caroline, whom I could see was still sleeping. I watched as her mother picked her up and held her on her lap. I looked at Mother then, and saw guilt in her eyes. I knew she had been watching them, too. Very softly, I asked her, "Mama, what are you thinking?"

"I just wish I had been like that with you when you were little. Our relationship could have been so different."

"We can't change the past." I hesitated, unsure if I should confide in Mother or not. I knew that even considering telling her was a sign of how much our relationship had changed. I went ahead, deciding that hiding things anymore would be worse than telling.

"I know you have been very worried about me. I'm sorry to tell you I...I woke up this morning not feeling well at all. I just feel...wrong, somehow."

"I knew that already, darling. I was just waiting for you to admit it. I am so glad you have already promised to go to a doctor."

"I know. Like I said, I'm not afraid. Even if there is something wrong, I will be well soon enough. Jack won't let me be in any real danger. I still feel his love surrounding me. That's crazy, I know."

"No, it's not. It shows how strong his love for you really was. You will find someone else who will love you just as much."

"Maybe. I do hope so. But I don't want to now. Not yet."

"No, of course not. You still need time to grieve. I'm so glad I am here to help you."

"So am I. Thank you for coming with me. I know that where we are going is the last place you want to be."

"Rose, I want to be wherever you are. There are so many things I have and have not done. Things that made you desperately unhappy. I knew I was wrong, but I didn't care. I am very sorry. I haven't truly been your mother until now. Your happiness is the only thing that really matters to me anymore. I pray you come to know that I love you just as much as your father did."

"I already do. The things you have said and done since we found each other have proved it. I love you, too. Very much."

Mother drew me close, kissing my forehead. She abruptly put me at arms length again, her eyes wide.

"Mama, what's the matter?"

"Rose, how long have you had a fever? It doesn't feel very high, but now I'm sure you need a doctor."

"I didn't notice, honestly. Don't be afraid. I'm going to be just fine."

Mother didn't look very certain, but she remained silent. I could see the fear still lingering in her eyes.

By the time we arrived at our destination, I knew my fever was very high. I tried to stand up to get off the train, but my legs just wouldn't hold me. Mrs. Collins happened to turn and see this before disembarking, and she came to talk to me.

"I can see how sick you are, Rose. I can ask my husband to come carry you off the train."

I began to protest, but she continued. "You don't have to worry about him. He's a doctor. Just wait here. He'll come quickly." She and Caroline got off, and just a moment or two later, her husband boarded and approached Mother and I.

"Hello, ladies. I'm Joshua Collins. My wife says you need help." I explained quickly, my voice very small. I knew I had no choice but to let him help me, so I put my arms lightly around his neck, and he picked me up. Mother followed silently behind us.

Once we were off the train, Mr. Collins said, "If you would prefer, I can take you to the doctor here in town right away. Or I could examine you myself, back at the boarding house. My wife said she told you I'm a doctor."

Mother was standing beside us now, and our eyes met. I was sure she already knew how I would respond. I answered as firmly as I could, "I would rather you did it, please. It has been such a long trip, and I would really like to get settled into a room at the boarding house first."

"Yes, of course. Let us go, then."

The porter brought our few pieces of luggage, along with the Collins'. Mother and Elizabeth managed to carry them quite easily. Of course, if he hadn't been forced to carry me, Dr. Collins would have been carrying the bags instead.

It was only a short distance from the depot to the boarding house, and I was very grateful. We must have been a sight, especially with Dr. Collins carrying me like that. When we arrived at the house, he quickly explained the situation I was in. The owner, Mr. Palmer, gave Mother the key to our room, which was right next to the Collins'. We all went upstairs, and I was very relieved to be put down on my new bed. It felt wonderful after being on the train for so many days.

"Thank you, Dr. Collins. I appreciate the help."

"You're welcome. We haven't been properly introduced. What is your name?"

"Rose Dawson." We shook hands, and then Mother introduced herself as well. Elizabeth and Caroline stepped out quietly, leaving Dr. Collins to his examination of me, but I knew Mother wanted to stay. I was relieved when the doctor did not ask her to leave the room.

After a few moments, he told me my fever was almost one hundred three degrees, and that he was quite surprised I was still so lucid. As for what caused it exactly, Dr. Collins said he didn't know.

Of course, I knew it was at least partly due to the exposure I'd suffered. But I couldn't bear to even try explaining that.

Dr. Collins simply told me to rest, and be sure I didn't get dehydrated. With sleep being as elusive as it was, I wasn't sure how well I could follow his orders. I said none of this and promised I would do as he instructed. Then he left, and I heard Caroline come out into the hall immediately, asking her father, "Whatever is making Rose so sick isn't contagious, is it, Daddy? We're getting to be friends, and I don't want to stay away. Please."

I heard him answer, very gently, "You won't have to, dearest. If it were contagious, I'm certain Rose's mother would have it, too. You can go visit if you want, but not for long. Rose needs her rest."

Without a second's hesitation, Caroline knocked on our door. Mother didn't really think I should be disturbed, but I told her I would only let the little girl stay long enough for me to reassure her that I would be all right.

Caroline came into the room, obviously afraid. I tried to find the right words to comfort her.

"I'm sure I'll be well very soon, Caroline. Your father says I just need to rest and take care of myself. And I will. I promise. Don't be frightened. You can sit on my bed for a while if you want."

She did, now very eager to be close to me. We talked for a few minutes, with Mother silently watching. Then Caroline hugged me and left. It was only then that I began to feel truly ill.

I just closed my eyes and slept. Little did I know all that my sleep would bring.

May 8, 1912

Never in my life have I had such a vivid dream. It has taken time for me to calm myself enough to write everything down. This is exactly what happened.

I got out of bed and went to my window, staring out at the night sky. The stars were so bright! The last time I had seen them that luminous was while I was floating on the ocean, waiting to die. Or to live.

"Jack," I whispered. "I know you are watching me. I can feel it. Your soul is with me. And I'm going to love you forever."

"I know, Rose." Jack's voice! Startled, I spun around, looking for him. There he was, standing just inside the doorway. He was not a ghost. It was him, just as he had been. Total surprise left me speechless for the moment. My eyes fixed on his, those beautiful, shining blue eyes I knew so well. Then, he smiled at me, and came to stand very close. He began to speak again, more softly now.

"I've felt your loneliness, Rose. You aren't going to be alone forever, I promise."

I was very confused now. "Jack, what do you mean? How do you know what is going to happen to me?"

"You told me I could really see people. Now I see everything. Soon enough you will have a child to love. Our child."

"What? I'm not pregnant."

"Yes, you are. With our baby."

For a moment, I just stood there in stunned silence. Then I began to weep. "But Jack... if I'm going to have our child, you should be here, too. Our little one will never know you. That isn't fair, to either of you!"

"I would change things if I could, you have to know that. Please don't cry, Rose." He kissed my lips ever so softly, then folded me in his arms. "I came to tell you this myself because I thought it would make you happy. I'm sorry, I was so wrong."

"No you weren't, Jack. I am very happy about the baby, really. But how will I ever explain about you?" I looked deeply into his eyes, and I know he saw the uncertainty and fear in mine. He kissed me again, this time on the forehead.

"You'll know what to say, and when the time has come to say it. Trust yourself. All I really want is for the baby to ease your pain, that's all."

"I hope it will, Jack. I just don't know how I will raise it all alone."

"You won't have to. Your mother will help, if you let her. I've seen how she's changed. It makes you very happy. I've felt it."

"Yes, she has changed. And you're right, I know she will help. I just can't believe I'm going to be a mother!" That word sounded so strange coming out of my mouth, at least in reference to myself. It still made me think only of my own mother, not becoming one.

Jack smiled at me. "You will be a wonderful mother, because you're such a good person, with so much love to give. I will be loving both of you, Rose, even from heaven. Trust me."

"I do. I love you so much, Jack. I want so much for you to come back and be with me."

Jack stepped back and took both of my hands in his. "I will be with you, forever. Not always like this, but I will be close. You are seeing me in your dreams now because I know you need me. I know you have been sick, but you aren't here with me just because of your fever. When you wake up, you have to remember what I've told you, every word. Because every last one is the truth. Look for me in our child's eyes. You will see me, I promise I love you, Rose. Forever." He gently squeezed my hands, then turned and left.

I woke up then, still feeling Jack's hands in mine. All he had said was echoing in my mind. I knew he could not lie to me. Tears were streaming down my face. I wiped them away, but they continued.

I was happy about the baby, just as I had said. But now I longed for Jack even more. If only I could really hold him again, and talk to him about our child's future.

Getting out of bed, I went to the same window I had been standing at in my dream. Immediately, I noticed the stars were indeed very bright. Just as they had been in those last moments Jack and I spent together. Now I am going to have his child, a little boy or girl who will never really know who Jack was. Except from what I can tell. Jack is so sure I will know the right words when the time comes, but will I? How do I use simple words to explain all that he was, all that he meant to me? Am I even strong enough to try?

Suddenly, my legs refused to hold me anymore. Collapsing into the nearest corner, I drew my knees to my chest. My sobbing was terribly loud now, but I didn't care. How could fate be so cruel to Jack, giving him a child he would never know? And to our child, who would be deprived of a father who would love him or her in the same wonderful way my father had loved me? For I knew that had to be part of what had drawn me to Jack, though I only realized it now. He had the same compassion and decency that Father once had.

The next thing I knew, Mother was beside me, kneeling on the floor. She looked quite frightened by the state I was in. "Rose, what is it?"

I couldn't even find my voice, let alone begin to explain. Not now. My tears, as well as my jumble of emotions, were far too overwhelming. Mother pulled me into her arms then, holding me very tight.

"Rose, darling, whatever has happened, I'm staying right here with you. I won't let you go." Remembering when Jack had said those words to me, when he had stopped me from jumping off the back of the ship, I began to cry even harder. Until that moment, I had doubted that it was possible.

I felt at that moment that Mother was the only one keeping me from dying. I felt so completely lost. Finally, I had no tears left. Even when I did find my voice, all I could do was whisper Jack's name, over and over. At last, I stood and let Mother lead me back to my bed. Despite how tired I was, sleep did not come to me again.

May 10, 1912

Dr. Collins declared me completely recovered just a short while ago. Mother has asked me to stay in bed a while longer, but there is somewhere I want to go. I've seen a lake from our window that is obviously very close. It would be wonderful to take a walk on the beach. So, I resolved to go.

It seemed to take forever to get ready, even with Mother helping me. She wasn't pleased when I didn't want to put on long stockings as usual. I simply told her I was going to the beach to walk barefoot in the sand. She looked surprised, but said nothing more. Just before I left, I put on a hat to protect me from the sun, because I knew Mother expected me to. I planned to take it off as soon as I arrived at the lake, because I wanted to feel the sun beating down on me.

The walk was beautiful. The sky was such a vibrant blue! I could hear the water hitting the shore almost as soon as I started out. Somehow the sound of rushing water did not disturb my sense of peacefulness, but instead made it more complete. This surprised me, but I was very thankful. Before I knew it, I was standing at the edge of the sand. There, I stopped in my tracks, spotting the sign giving the name of the lake. I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it! This was the lake Jack had told me his father brought him to for ice fishing. And where he had fallen through the ice into terribly cold water. How ironic that water just like that had ultimately killed him.

Blinking away sudden tears, I discarded my shoes and hat on the sand. Then I went closer to the water, but not close enough for it to touch me. I began to walk along the sand, lost in thought. There was so much I needed to figure out. How exactly should I tell Mother that I was going to have a baby? I knew there were so many things the baby would need. Material things would not be a real problem. Despite Jack's assurances, I still had doubts about how good a mother I could be. He had also said Mother would help me, but what if, at first, she was so angry and ashamed that she wanted nothing to do with me? I now needed and wanted her in my life more than ever. The thought of being without her for any length of time frightened me terribly.

Then, something even worse occurred to me. What if my illness had hurt the baby? It was still so very tiny and vulnerable! Then I reconsidered my fear. Jack would have known that, too, and told me immediately. My hands instinctively came to rest over my womb. I knew our little one was just fine.

Suddenly, I stopped walking and looked around me for the first time since I had arrived. The water was quite calm, a perfect blue. The other people I saw were far enough away not to hear me. Still, I spoke very softly.

"Jack, I'm sure it was you that led me here, but I don't know why. If there is a reason, I know you will tell me. I just know I feel you more, somehow. Like you have completely surrounded me. I don't need any proof that our love was real, Jack, but that's exactly what our child is. I will be so happy when our baby is born. I only wish you had lived so you could have seen that day, too. I know I will have to love it enough for both of us, and I promise to try my best. To say I'm not afraid of what may be in my future would be a lie. You are a part of my soul, Jack, and I trust you to give me your strength when I have none of my own."

I had one more promise to make to Jack, but this one I wasn't certain I could keep. I hesitated a moment longer before saying, "Jack, I give you my word that I will teach our child to be more like you than me. I'm not the free spirit that you were. Not really. You were only just beginning to show me how to be like you."

"Rose, don't you understand? You just said our souls are one, and you're right." At the first sound of Jack's voice, I began to cry. Still, I listened very closely, to every word. Even as Jack appeared before me.

He continued. "You can be like me if you try. You have already changed so much just since I met you. I know you're scared, and it will be harder now, but you can do it, Rose. I believe in you."

"I'm trying, Jack. I miss you so much, and I do get very frightened. Especially now. I don't know what Mother will do when I tell her..."

"She won't leave you, Rose. I know you have been worrying about that. She'll understand this just like everything else since she found you again. She's too worried about you to leave you all alone."

My tears had ebbed considerably. "I need her now, so much. I hate to admit that, but it's true. I wish you were here to share everything with me, too."

"Rose, I'm able to visit you because we are still connected to each other. We always will be. Whenever it's time for us to be together again, I'll be waiting for you. I promise."

Finally, I found my voice. "I know that, Jack. I love you."

He smiled at me, so gently. "I know, Rose." He drew me into his arms then, whispering, "Even though I'm dead, my love for you will never die. Not ever. Part of me still lives, in our child. No matter what you think, You're going to raise a fine son."

I pulled away, surprised. "How do you know it's a boy?"

He laughed softly. "How quickly you forget. I told you, I see everything now. I just know. I'm sure I will be very proud of what he becomes, because you're going to teach him well. Don't be afraid, Rose. Just trust your heart. It will tell you what is right."

He kissed me, very softly. Then he was gone. I shed my tears as quietly as I could. These were not the same all-consuming tears I had shed two days ago. I was still angry that Jack would not be with me to watch his son grow, and of course I still missed him desperately. But now I had hope as well. Because I knew Jack trusted me enough to care for our child on my own. And, when it was time for my life to end, I wouldn't be afraid. I would go willingly, because Jack was going to be waiting. He had promised. He always kept his promises.