Rose Dawson: Starting Anew

Chapter 6

May 11, 1912

Even though I have only known about my pregnancy for three days, I can't keep it a secret from Mother any longer. She is growing intensely worried about me because I haven't been able to eat since I came back from the lake yesterday morning.

So tonight, when Mother came back from dinner with the other boarders, I knew it was time to tell her. She immediately saw how serious I looked, and sat down beside me on my bed. "Rose, what is it? You have been so quiet the last few days."

"I've just had a lot to think about. There is something I need to tell you, Mother." I looked directly into her eyes, expecting to see fear or worry. But there was only calm expectation. That gave me the resolve to continue.

"I've seen your concern over my lack of appetite. Now I know what has been causing it."

Now she was afraid. "You aren't sick again, are you, darling?"

"No, and my appetite will return eventually. I just have to be a little patient. I will take care of myself, because I must. My child is depending on me."

Shock was plain on Mother's face. It took her a moment to regain her voice. Even then it was just above a whisper. "Your child? But, Rose...you're not..."

"Yes I am, Mama. Jack has told me, and I know it is true. I'm going to have his son."

Mother's eyes grew wide for a moment. I had, of course, expected her to be very surprised. All I wanted was for her to accept it, if not now, then someday. For I already deeply loved my child, and wanted her to love him as well. The question she had for me took me by surprise.

"How could Jack possibly tell you anything, Rose?"

"He is still with me, and he tells me things all the time. I know he is dead, but I still feel him. What he has told me is the truth, because Jack would never lie to me."

"Rose, how could you let that boy do that to you?"

I sat in stunned silence, pulling away from Mother a bit. This reaction was exactly what I had feared most. When I spoke again, I was angry. No, furious!

"Mother, I didn't 'let' Jack do anything! I wanted him to be with me, to teach me what real love was. And he wasn't a boy, he was a man! More of a man than Cal can ever, ever hope to be!" Mother stood up, moving away from me now. I had never been so openly angry with her before. I advanced on her, refusing to look away. My eyes burned into hers. "Jack's love for me was-no, is, exactly what love between any two people should be! He listened to me, Mother. He respected me. Respected me for who I was inside, not for my social standing, how much money I had. I haven't felt more alive than during the brief time I was able to spend with Jack. You are not going to make me ashamed that I am having his baby! Ever!"

Mother remained silent just a little too long. I had expected her to at least have some response. Though I knew it was cowardly, I ran from the room, down the staircase and out the door. It was nearly dark out now, but I found my way swiftly down the path to the lake. Once there, I fell to my knees on the sand. Jack had said Mother would understand!

How could he deceive me so? I couldn't raise his little boy without help. I knew I just wasn't strong enough. Only at these thoughts did I begin to cry, longing again to be with Jack, wherever he was, exactly. Anywhere other than here, where I never seemed to know the right thing to do, the right words to say. If only I had approached the subject differently, maybe Mother would have understood my feelings. I had been sitting there I don't know how much longer when I heard soft footsteps behind me.

"Rose... please, forgive me."

Mother, asking for my forgiveness? She had never, ever done that. Not for a single thing she had done to me. For that reason, I knew she was sincere. I turned to her, tears still streaming down my face.

"Does asking my forgiveness mean you are going to accept Jack's child, and love it as much as it deserves to be?"

She walked over to stand beside me, then knelt beside me. Very gently, she drew me closer, my head coming to rest on her shoulder. "Yes, Rose. I won't promise that it will be easy for me, especially in the beginning. But this is my grandchild, after all. And it's father was the one man whom you truly loved. I owe the three of you respect enough to go beyond my narrow-minded ways and understand that you have been given this child so that a part of Jack will continue to live."

I raised my head, staring at Mother in spite of my best efforts. Jack was right. Mother did understand. Completely.

September 20, 1912

Philadelphia

Just this morning we arrived. It took some convincing for Mother to consent to the idea of returning. She is concerned that Cal will discover us, and frankly, so am I. There is something I must do that is far too important for even him to keep me away.

I was quite spent by the time we arrived, simply because my pregnancy is advancing. The whole of the summer seemed to race by. Now, with the arrival of autumn, things will soon be turning cold here in the city. But we did not come with the intention of staying long. Mother insisted I rest before going to visit Father's grave. That was my entire purpose in coming, but I decided it could wait an hour or two, as we had arrived early in the day.

After a very refreshing nap, I headed out alone. I had asked Mother to accompany me, and been quite surprised when she declined. I asked her why, and she said she thought I needed to go alone. As I entered the cemetery, the same feeling I had gotten when last visiting it about a year before overcame me. I had expected it to have dulled some by now, after five years. I had the same intense pangs of longing for Daddy that I had always had. I supposed that was because even though Mother had changed so, there was no one who could possibly take his place.

I stood staring at his headstone, which I had touched so many times before. Now, of course, it was quite impossible for me to kneel beside it as usual. Standing there would have to do. My right hand went habitually to my middle as I began to speak.

"Daddy, it feels so strange to be here. I thought I would never return to Philadelphia, but it seemed like you were calling me back."

I paused, looking at his name carved into the stone. Andrew Samuel. Suddenly, I knew why I was here. I had found my little boy's name. But I knew Daddy had never liked his middle name, so I would have to think of something different. I had not considered, for one moment, naming my son after his father. All I saw when I thought of or heard Jack's name was his face. Our little boy deserved to have a name that would really be his. If I named him after his father, I knew I would expect things to be as if Jack were reborn. That would not be fair.

Naming my son after my father did not present the same problems. I did not associate the name Andrew so exclusively with Daddy. I saw it as a way to honor him without expecting my little one to be like him. My choice was made. Andrew. Andrew Dawson. I spoke again, very, very quietly now.

"I'm sorry you won't be here to see your grandson, Daddy. But I know both you and his father will be watching over him. I love you both so much, and I will raise Andrew to be a man you would both be very proud of." Having said all I needed to, I turned and walked away toward the hotel that was my temporary home. It was not far, and I felt in need of the walk back instead of hailing a carriage.

Almost as soon as I started out, I realized someone was following me. It made me nervous, but I could not walk any faster than I was. As the person steadily grew nearer I saw his face, and my breath caught. Cal. I should have known coming back home was too dangerous! He knew I had seen him, and began to walk faster to catch up with me. In just a moment, he did.

"Rose, you've come home again. I've been thinking about you. Are you all right?"

"Do you really care? After the way you tricked me about what happened to Mother, I want you to leave me alone, for good!"

"I'm very sorry about that. Forgive me, Rose. Come back to me. We can have everything we ever wanted right here." I could feel his possessiveness returning, his eyes boring into me.

"Everything you ever wanted, you mean! I finally have a life that really belongs to me. Do you really think I would be foolish enough to return to the life I had before?"

He studied my face for a moment, then reached out to stroke my cheek, whispering, "But doesn't your child deserve better than to be poor?"

I pushed his hand away, really angry now. I was thankful that I had nearly reached the hotel. At least I would feel safer there than out in the open. I began to nearly scream at him, not caring who heard me.

"My baby will have everything it needs, because Mother is going to help me! And I sold my engagement ring. Thank you for buying one so terribly expensive." He looked almost hurt when I said that, and I was glad. I continued, looking him right in the eye, not backing away at all. "I'm quite sure you wouldn't want to raise Jack's son, would you?"

He was the one who backed away now, as if he had been slapped. I knew he desperately wanted a son to carry on his own name. I doubted he could even attempt to lie by saying he could love my child no matter whose he was. He had never even loved me. Not really. His reaction gave me time to enter the hotel. Thankfully the elevator was right inside the entryway. By the time Cal had gathered himself and approached again, the doors had closed. Of course, I knew if he had followed me this far, he would take the next elevator up.

It seemed to take an eternity to reach my floor, and then to walk to my room. I found Mother still alone. Cal was coming, I knew. I locked the door behind me. Mother was puzzled at first, but then saw the look on my face and became worried.

"Rose, what has happened?"

"Cal is here. He still wants me back."

Just then, we heard him approaching with someone who was obviously a hotel employee, saying, "You must understand. We have been separated for far too long, and she is with child. My wife is just angry because I have been gone."

I knew I was trapped now. I was wearing a wedding ring for all the world to see, and Cal could make anyone believe what he said, just because he was a proper gentleman.

That was when the key turned in the lock, and the hotel employee let Cal in, apologizing for keeping him from his wife. Mother looked at him with an expression I had never seen her direct toward Cal. Hatred. She approached him and cut him off as he tried to speak.

"How dare you come after my daughter this way! After the way you've lied to her, and how you've treated her! I never want her to be your wife now. I would not think of giving you the opportunity to hit her again." Plain surprise took over Cal's features, and I saw Mother smile slightly. Triumph, I think. She was in charge now. Cal was utterly silent.

"Oh, yes, I know about that. Rose has told me everything. I was willing to ignore your temper because you have money. I was selfish and wanted it for myself. I made a dreadful mistake, and I won't make it twice." She reached out and took my hand. "My daughter is going to have a child that was created out of love, something you know nothing about. All you want is for her to belong to you, but she doesn't."

I found my voice again. "No, I don't. I can have a life without your money, Cal. A good life. So can my child, believe me. I just thank God you are not his father."

Cal's eyes flashed with anger. For a few moments, he did try with absolutely no success to convince both of us that my life would be better with him, he promised. I had made a promise, too. Keeping it meant getting rid of Cal. When Mother closed the door behind him this afternoon, we both knew I had. Forever.

September 29th

Denver, Colorado

Mother and I arrived here at Molly's house just this morning. After what happened in Philadelphia, we left almost immediately. Of course, we had wired ahead, and when we arrived Molly greeted us very enthusiastically. She was quite surprised at first to see I was pregnant, but I took her aside and told her it was Jack's child. Now she is just happy for me. In fact, she smiles in spite of herself every time she looks my way.

Molly told us as soon as we arrived that she was glad to have the company, and now I can see why. This house is even larger than my former home in Philadelphia! Molly is all alone here, except for a maid and butler. She says that more often than not, she gives them the day off, simply because she no longer requires them now that her children have left home. She pays them full wages nonetheless, because she knows they often sorely need the money. I prefer to think she does this because she is simply kind. Taking care of people seems to be what she does best.

I have a large but still cozy bedroom on the first floor. Mother's is right down the hall. It didn't take either of us long to unpack, and after we had, we went for a walk on the grounds. There was quite a chill in the air, but it didn't bother me in the least. It was also quiet, and very refreshing. I was relieved to find I handled the long walk quite well, because I get tired so easily now. I'm sure I won't feel able to travel again until after the baby is born. Upon returning from the walk, I asked Molly if it was all right with her if we needed to stay that long. She looked me directly in the eye and said, "Darlin', that's what I intended for you to do from the moment you got here. I must admit, I want to see that child born here, in my house. Just so I know you'll be all right. Have you been well?"

"I was ill several months ago, but I've been just fine since. You don't have to worry about me. I'm taking good care of myself for the baby's sake."

"Yes, I'm sure. What do you plan to call the little one, anyway?"

"Andrew. After my father. His middle name will be Thomas, after..."

Pain shadowed Molly's eyes a moment. Then, softly, she said, "Oh, I know who that name is for. It's perfect, Rose. But what if you have a girl?"

"I'm having a boy, I know. Because..." For some reason I stopped myself from answering truthfully. "It's just my motherly feeling, I suppose."

Molly looked at me sharply, and I knew she could see I was lying. She did not press the issue, and said instead, "Well, I'm sure you're goin' to make a fine mother. And I'm sure Jack would have been..."

I cut her off, quickly. "I can't think about that. He's gone now. That's all there is to say." I turned and left the room as quickly as I could, surprised at my own rush of emotions. I closed myself up in my room until dinner, shedding not a few tears, because even though I was reluctant to talk about Jack, when I was alone he was all I could think about. He was still with me, still so close. Not just through his son. I knew that our souls were joined, forever, and I would never truly be without him. I still missed him being right beside me so, so much.

That night, my sleep was restless. In my dreams, Jack kept coming to me, saying, "Rose, I love you so much, but you have to think more about the baby. Our son needs you to be strong."

I looked deeply into his eyes, very confused. "But Jack, I've been fine these last few months. I would never do anything that would harm the baby. I thought you knew that." He saw me beginning to cry, and immediately regret for what he had said leapt into his eyes.

"I do, Rose. You haven't done anything wrong. I'm sorry to make you cry." He kissed me softly, then continued. "I mean that something may happen." He gave me the most intense look I had ever seen. "Our son needs you. You have to be careful, Rose. Please."

"I will, Jack. What could possibly go wrong?"

His eyes clouded over then. It was impossible for me to decipher his thoughts. "I don't know what it is yet, Rose. All I can feel is that you just have to be extremely careful. Little Andrew needs you too much." I knew now that Jack saw everything, and so I was not at all surprised to hear him use his son's chosen name. I gazed at him, smiling slightly now.

"Do you like that name?"

"Yes. And Thomas goes perfectly with it. Your father is very happy you have decided to name your son after him." I was surprised now. Jack smiled as he answered, "He sees everything, too, you know. He is proud of you, Rose. We have been watching you together, because he knew I had been with you, and how happy you were with me. I'm just sorry that couldn't last longer than it did. Just remember I love you, Rose. Always." He seemed to fade away, and then I woke up.

I whispered into the darkness, "I remember, Jack. I love you, too." I paused, recalling what he had said about something happening to me. "Our little boy won't be alone, Jack. I could never leave him." Still, deep inside, I wondered exactly what Jack had meant, what it was I had to be so careful of. I knew only time would tell, and all I could do was wait.

January 16, 1913

My newborn son is sleeping in the next room as I write this. Mother thinks I am asleep as well, but I feel I must write down what happened as Andrew was being born.

When the labor actually began, it was not painful. I simply felt somewhat strange. By the time I told Mother what was happening, I was in a great deal of pain. We went immediately to my bedroom, and settled in for what Mother thought would be a very long wait for Andrew to be born. Things did not end up that way.

When the labor began to progress so quickly, Mother grew frightened, because she was the only one present to help me. Molly had gone into Denver for the day out of necessity, and the maid, as usual, had been given the day off. I told Mother I trusted her and was not frightened. Nevertheless, she left the room for a moment and telephoned Molly's doctor, whose number had been left by the phone, just in case. When Mother returned, she said there had been no answer. We were indeed on our own.

Suddenly, as Andrew was actually being born, I felt that something had gone very wrong. Mother looked at me with such fear at that moment, I knew something had. I asked her what was the matter, if my son could be in danger. She couldn't find her voice to answer, so I sat up just enough to be able to look for myself. There was blood, and I knew from the look on Mother's face that so much was not normal. Then I felt myself floating away into unconsciousness. The last thing I heard was Andrew's first, angry cry.

Then I was in a place so peaceful and beautiful that I wanted to stay forever. In that instant, Jack was with me. He had the strangest expression on his face, a mixture of sadness, dismay, and...anger. That made me afraid to ask him the one question I had for him, but I did it nonetheless.

"Jack, where am I?"

"I guess it's what most people would call heaven. I know you want to stay here with me, Rose, but you can't."

I felt ready to cry. "Why not, Jack? You said something may happen to me. Maybe I'm supposed to be here with you."

"No, Rose. That's why I told you to be so careful. I know you were, and as it turns out no one could have prevented what brought you here. I'm here to beg you to go back. Andrew needs you too much. You have to return and take care of him."

I was completely confused. I thought Jack would be glad I was with him again. My voice was very small as I answered, "But, Jack...I love you, and I really do want to stay. Please." I began to cry, but Jack remained firm.

"I know you do, Rose. I can feel both of those things without you saying one word. I love you, too. But you're not supposed to be here yet. You have too much to do." Now his eyes were pleading. "Rose, you have to find your strength and go back to our son. He's alive, and needs you so much. I'll be waiting here for you when it is your time, Rose. Trust me. it's not, not yet."

"Jack, Mother will take care of the baby. I know she will."

"I'm sure you're right. But you have gone on all these months so Andrew could come into the world. Don't let him have to wonder what both his father and his mother were like. You love him too much to do that. I can feel it. You don't really want to leave him."

I had no answer for that, and I saw the sadness in Jack's eyes when I did not simply say that I loved our son enough to go back immediately. My eyes were fixed on Jack's when I felt a familiar hand slip into mine. I turned and was completely speechless for a moment. Then, "Daddy! How did you know I was here?"

"Rose, I felt you the moment you arrived. But Jack is right. You must go back. I know how much you have missed both of us, but that isn't a reason to give up. Not now. You have no idea how terrible I felt leaving you when I did, my sweet Rose. It makes me feel even worse thinking of my little grandson, my namesake, never getting to know you. Jack and I cannot choose to go back, but you can. Please, my darling, go back to your life. I love you. I always will. I live on through you and my grandson. That's all I'm asking you to do, until it really is time for you to be here. Live. And make me proud, just like you always have."

I began to cry as I said, "All right, Daddy, I will. I love you." I kissed both him and Jack, then felt myself drifting back into the world. When I opened my eyes, Mother was right there, crying bitterly. I reached out and touched her cheek. It startled her badly. "Mama, I'm all right. Everything will be fine."

"Rose, I thought you were dead! Everything went wrong so quickly!"

"Where is Andrew? Is he all right?"

"Yes, he's fine." Mother rose and went to the bassinet we had readied just days ago. Gently she picked up my son and brought him to me. I cradled him gently, surprised he was not fast asleep.

"Hello, Andrew Thomas Dawson. I'm so glad you're all right. I love you so very much. I promise I'll never leave you again." Mother did not seem to comprehend what I meant, and that was fine. I didn't think I could even attempt to explain where I'd been. I took each of Andrew's tiny, perfect little hands and kissed them. Though I would encourage him in anything he wanted to do, I dearly hoped those hands would one day be the hands of an artist. Like his father's.