Rose Dawson: Starting Anew
Chapter 8
July 31, 1913
This morning, I awoke before everyone else. I got out of bed and went over to watch Andrew as he slept. He had a little smile on his face, and I wondered if it was because he was having happy dreams. I hoped so.
It was still quite early. I wanted to leave on my errand and return home before anyone woke. For I was sure I couldn't explain why I needed to return to the cemetery. I got ready as quickly and quietly as possible, then slipped out of the house.
On the way there, I saw some wildflowers growing beside the road. Following sudden impulse, I picked them and took them with me. I wasn't sure leaving them at the graves would be right, considering that I had never known Jack's parents. He wasn't here to do it, and I felt as if I were paying respects in his place.
Cemeteries are so naturally still, and due to the early hour it was particularly so now. Kneeling, I gently placed several flowers in front of each of the two stones. I remained there, thinking, when I heard footsteps behind me. Quickly, I turned around.
"Oh, you frightened me!"
Paul came closer, looking apologetic. "I am sorry. We seem to find each other in the oddest places. These are my parents' graves. I assume you were a friend of theirs? I have been away quite some time, and I'm sorry to say I didn't keep up with things here very well."
I felt dreadful having to lie anymore. But the truth would lead to too many questions. So, rising to meet his gaze, I answered simply, "Yes, I was, but not for very long before the..."
"Oh, I see." He interrupted, not harshly, the pain very obvious in his eyes. "So then you knew my brother Jack, as well."
"Yes, I did." I didn't dare say anymore; I knew my voice would break and give away my true depth of emotion. Paul seemed focused on a place very far away as he continued.
"Jack was still so young then, and I tried to convince him to come back with me to New York City, where I work for the newspaper. But in the end he said no, because being with me would keep him in one place for too long. He very much wanted to travel. Since the funeral, I haven't seen him again. Not once. I often wonder where he is, what he is doing now."
I longed to just be honest, to tell Paul everything I could. But I didn't think he could possibly understand my feelings for Jack, or that he might even accuse me of lying when I tried to explain that Jack had died. So, I said nothing, waiting for Paul to speak. When he did, he seemed to be focused on the present again.
"I apologize for going on so, Rose. I'm sure you have better things to do than listen to me." Actually, I felt I could stand there and listen to him all day. It was wonderful to be in the company of someone who so obviously loved Jack as much as I did. "If you will give me just a moment here first, I'll be happy to walk with you, wherever you're going."
"Oh, thank you, Mr. Dawson, but you don't have to do that. Home isn't far."
I felt myself beginning to blush, not sure why I was doing it. I was glad Paul had turned his back to me, looking down at the graves. I heard the smile in his voice as he answered, "Please, call me Paul. Walking you home would be my pleasure."
"All right. Thank you again, Paul. I actually would like the company." He was silent then, taking a moment with his private thoughts of his parents, whatever they were. Then he turned back to me, and we set out for my home together. On the way, he noticed the ring on my finger for the first time. I saw that he did, and I could not miss the embarrassment that leapt into his eyes.
"I didn't know you were married. I am sorry for being so familiar. If your husband finds out, will it make him angry?"
"Oh, you have no reason to worry. My...my husband died last year. I just can't bring myself to take off my wedding band."
He stopped a moment, saying, "I'm sorry. You miss him very much, of course. Perhaps I shouldn't be bothering you."
I was instantly afraid Paul would disappear from my life, that I would never see him again. And that Andrew would never meet him. A bit too anxiously, I said, "You aren't. It has been more than a full year now. I've grown quite lonely. Please, I would like us to be friends."
"So would I." He smiled, and we went on our way once more. "Are you from here originally? You don't sound at all Midwestern to me."
"No, I'm from Philadelphia. After my husband died, I wanted to go somewhere smaller, quieter. This just happens to be where I ended up. It has been good for me, and for my son."
"Your son? Well, how nice that you and your husband had a child before he died."
"Actually, my son was born after my husband passed away. It was very sudden, the way he died. I didn't even know myself that I was going to have a child before then. I never even got to tell him he was going to be a father."
We stopped again, having reached the stairs leading to my front door. He looked at me, his eyes full of sadness. "That is terrible! I'm sorry."
"Thank you, Paul. I really must go inside. My baby may be awake already. If not, he will be soon enough."
"I understand. Good-bye for now, Rose. I enjoyed our talk very much."
"So did I. I'll be seeing you again, I'm sure. Good-bye, Paul."
I went inside quickly, going directly to Andrew's crib. He was just rubbing the sleep from his eyes as I approached. Immediately I picked him up and walked over to the window. I saw that Paul was just leaving. He must have lingered outside a moment, thinking something over, I assumed. For a brief moment I feared he might somehow know that I had lied to him. Then I decided not, at least not yet. Since I had lost Jack, I had become a very good liar. And the very last person I wanted to find out the truth was Paul. It would hurt too much for both of us.
August 5, 1913
Andrew and I were home together today, just the two of us. Everyone else had gone out of town on a shopping trip. I woke up not feeling well, and I couldn't bear to let Andrew go without me. It was very strange, listening to the silence as Andrew napped this afternoon. Whenever things get quiet, I begin to think about everything I must hold inside my soul. I don't like to think about that night anymore. So when there was a knock at the door, I was relieved to have respite from my thoughts. As soon as I opened the door, my relief turned to uneasiness. "Paul. What brings you here?"
"I am sorry to come unannounced, but since we met the other day, I have been worried about you. You seemed so terribly sad."
"Well, how kind of you to be thinking of me. Please, come in." He entered, and we went into the parlor. I sat down, but he stood there awkwardly until I invited him to sit as well.
"You and your son don't live here all alone, do you? I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I have been worried, and this is such a large house for just the two of you. No wonder you're lonely!"
"Oh, my mother lives here, too. Actually this is the home of some friends, and they have let us move in. Everyone else has gone shopping for the day."
"You didn't want to go with them?"
"Yes, but I woke up feeling ill this morning, so I stayed home. I kept my son home with me."
"Are you feeling better now?" He was obviously concerned. Looking into his eyes, so much like Jack's had been, I recognized that look.
"Yes, thank you. Just fine. Things have been so quiet here today, I'm glad you came."
"So am I. Where is your son?"
"Upstairs, napping. He hasn't been sleeping long, so if you are worried about being disturbed while we talk..."
"Oh, no, Rose. I love children. I ask because whenever you mention him, I see how much you love him. He must seem even more important because your husband is..." He looked uncomfortable, and could not finish the sentence. Instead, he continued, "What is your baby's name?"
"Andrew Thomas."
"That is a good name, a strong name. I've noticed you haven't told me your last name. Is there a reason for that?" He didn't sound insulted because I hadn't told him, just curious. I should have given him false name, but I felt Dawson was the name that belonged to me. I hadn't said my husband was a native of the town, and Dawson was a common enough name. So I answered truthfully. Paul seemed slightly surprised at the supposed coincidence, that was all.
"Really? Well, isn't that odd! But, of course, my family's last name is common. I'm sure we couldn't be related in any way."
How I longed to tell him at that moment how connected we truly were! I very carefully contained myself and answered, "No, I'm sure we aren't." Just then, Andrew began to cry, and I excused myself to go get him. I knew seeing Andrew might well give Paul his first real clue of just how well I had known his brother. Asking him to leave so abruptly would seem strange, so I left him waiting for me downstairs while I quickly went to get my son.
When I returned and sat down, Paul was close enough to get a very good look at Andrew. I was relieved when I did not see any flicker of recognition. All he said was, "What a handsome boy. I don't see you in him. I assume he looks like his father?"
"Yes, he does. Things have been easier for me since having my son. He has lessened my grief in the eight months since he came. Well, almost eight. He was born on the sixteenth of January."
"Right around the new year. How appropriate."
I had never thought of it like that. "Yes, I guess you're right. My life has changed almost completely since he came. I've become quite a traveler. In fact, we will likely be moving on again soon."
Paul looked disappointed at this, and I heard the same in his voice. "Where will you be going? If you don't mind my asking."
"California is where I plan to go. My mother will be going back east. We haven't been apart since even before Andrew was born. Neither of us is looking forward to it."
"Well, why must you be? You do seem quite young, and raising a baby alone will be quite difficult."
"Yes, but I'm not a child. Mother wants me to find my own life, without her interference. She doesn't mean that in a cruel way. I think she is just afraid of getting in the way of things I may want to do. I understand that, and it is all right, really. It bothers me more that Andrew will not have his grandmother nearby. He has grown used to her being with him."
"Yes, of course he has. I really am very comfortable with children. Would it be all right if I held Andrew? Just for a moment?"
Keeping the reluctance out of my voice, I said, "Yes, certainly." Placing Andrew carefully in his uncle's arms, I watched closely, to see if Paul might yet notice his resemblance to Jack somehow. He showed no sign at all. He was simply holding the child of a friend.
Still, Paul seemed quite observant. He had noticed my wedding ring. I hadn't shown it to him first. So I knew that, just by letting him see my little boy, he might come to realize who he was. It was a risk I had to take, because Paul was the only member of Jack's family that Andrew could ever get to know. And he would. To make that happen, I was even willing to stay here in Wisconsin much longer than I had planned.
October 22, 1913
Over the past two and a half months, Paul has visited quite regularly. I have noticed him becoming suspicious, but he had not questioned me directly. Until today.
Paul now makes a habit of stopping by each Wednesday afternoon, and today was no exception. As we sat talking, Andrew made his way around the room, crawling at top speed. Paul soon remarked on how closely I seemed to always watch my son, no matter what he was doing. I looked down, nearly blushing, not knowing how to respond to that. When Paul realized how awkward he had made me feel, he said, "Rose, I didn't mean to imply that you were overly protective. I do understand. Andrew is all you have left of your husband now. In fact, I have been waiting for the right time to ask you something, and it seems that time has come. You said you did know my brother, and now here you are wearing a wedding ring, bearing our family name. And don't think I haven't seen the resemblance between your son and Jack..."
Very calmly, I picked up Andrew, walked out of the parlor, and went upstairs, where I knew Mother was. She looked up, surprised, when I entered her room. "Rose, I heard Paul arrive just a few moments ago. Surely he hasn't left already."
"No, he hasn't. But Mother, I...I'm quite sure he now knows that I have been lying to him. He is asking questions, and I can see he has figured most everything out for himself. But whatever else he may need to know, I cannot bear to tell him. I have finally begun to leave the pain of what happened behind me, and to talk about everything again now...I just don't know what to say."
"No, of course you don't. I understand, Rose. I will tell him for you."
"Oh, no, Mother. By coming to tell you what Paul said, I didn't mean to make you think I wanted you to explain things for me. It's my place to do that. I was just hoping you could help me figure out the right words."
Mother asked me to sit beside her on the bed. After I did as she asked, she looked me directly in the eye and said, "Rose, I want to do this for you. I saw how desperately unhappy you were after what happened. I know that you are finally beginning to have a more peaceful life now. But, Rose...I hear you many times at night, when your dreams make you cry. You're not completely recovered yet. You may never be. I don't want your memories to intrude on your waking hours in the same way. I will tell Paul, but only what you give me permission to tell."
In the end, the only thing we both knew that I asked Mother to leave out was exactly how and where Jack had died. Somehow, when it came to actually describing that night, I didn't think Mother could do it any more easily than I could. I remained upstairs with Andrew, singing to him, as much to help calm my nerves as to please him. It seemed that an eternity passed before Mother returned. When she did, Paul was following immediately behind her. I saw the tears in his eyes, and it took him a moment to find his voice.
"Rose, I do understand why you couldn't tell me yourself. I shouldn't have been so blunt. I apologize."
"It's all right, Paul. You could not possibly have known. This can't be easy for you either, finding out so suddenly that Jack is..."
Paul interrupted before I could say the last word of my sentence. "No, it's not. I will miss my brother very much. But it comforts me knowing Andrew is his son. My nephew." Mother very quietly slipped out of the room as I handed Andrew to his uncle. Paul just stared at him, seemingly amazed. "Andrew looks exactly like Jack did when he was a little boy. I can't believe I didn't see it before."
"I'm so glad Andrew will have an uncle, that we can try to be a family. I miss Jack so much, but being less alone helps, a lot."
"I'm glad we found each other, too. I hope you know you can count on me, even when I go back to New York. If you need anything, write or send a wire. I'll help any way I can."
"Thank you, Paul. I appreciate that. I am sorry I didn't tell you sooner. It was too hard for me to find the right words. I have been in so much pain, and I regret having to share that pain with you. I want you to know, the one thing I'll never regret is loving Jack. He loved me and made me happy, too. The happiest I've ever been. Now I must raise Andrew to be the kind of man Jack was."
"I don't doubt that you will, Rose." Paul kissed Andrew's forehead softly and gave him back to me. "I'm just so glad you have Andrew. Your mother said you suffered such terrible grief after Jack died." He looked down at my wedding band briefly. "Your mother also explained that when you met my brother, you were engaged to someone else. She said if I wanted to know more abut that, I'd have to ask you. She seemed dreadfully uncomfortable. Guilty, really."
"Paul, that will take some time to explain. I would actually like to go for a walk. Would you mind coming with me, and let me try my best to tell you?"
"Oh, I wouldn't mind at all. Let us go."
Even though I knew Andrew would not understand what Paul and I were discussing, I did not want him to hear it at all. So, I left him with Mother. Then Paul and I set out.
I was surprised how easily I found the words to describe the kind of person Cal was, and how he treated everyone around him. I could not give the details of how terribly Cal had behaved toward Jack. In the end, all I said was that Cal had hated him. It was enough, because I knew it was true.
Very carefully, I also told Paul that I still suspected Cal might intrude on my life. No longer being afraid of him, I knew I was strong enough now to stand up to him. But, I said, the one thing that truly worried me was that Cal might try to hurt me by hurting Andrew. I never wanted him anywhere near my son. Ever.
Paul reassured me by saying that now that he was here, he would do all he could to help me. That did comfort me greatly. Then, our conversation turned to other things, happier things. By the time we arrived back at my house, nearly two hours had passed. As we stood on the porch a moment longer, I heard something that made my heart race. Andrew. He was crying at first, very loudly. Then I heard him scream. Forgetting everything else completely, I rushed inside.