How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you if you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I, how do I, oh, how do I live
-LeAnn Rimes, "How Do I Live"
Nathan's eyes snapped open as his alarm clock rang. Instead of immediately rising and shutting the alarm off and starting his day like he'd done every morning for years, he simply flung an arm out, slapped at the clock to cease the insistently shrill ringing and then just laid there. Unmoving and staring at the ceiling of his bedroom. It felt as if a large stone had taken up residence in the bottom of his stomach.
On the walk home from town the previous night, Nathan had decided that it was time to tell Elizabeth his secret. It was far past time, actually. She had said I love you much sooner than he'd anticipated, not that he'd not loved hearing her say it, and he could not in good conscience let their courtship proceed any further without telling her about the events at Fort Clay. He was apprehensive and rightfully so. Elizabeth's reaction to his news had the potential to drastically change all of their lives. Again. And not for the better. Nathan hated the idea of having to inform Allie that only two days after beginning to court Elizabeth that their relationship was at an end. He worried for her heartache and disappointment more than his own.
Hearing movement from down the hall, Nathan rose, washed his face and dressed, joining Allie to begin their day.
He tried to keep his inner turmoil from showing as he walked with Elizabeth and Allie to school, the latter helpfully providing a constant stream of chattering of books and the upcoming school projects that mostly kept Elizabeth's attention from focusing on him. Nathan was sure she could sense that he wasn't quite completely himself, but blessedly, she didn't say anything. Whether she thought it was related to yesterday's event and didn't want to discuss the topic in front of Allie or was waiting for their planned talk later, Nathan didn't know, but he was grateful all the same.
Saying goodbye in front of the schoolhouse was harder than Nathan had thought it would be. His throat threatened to close up and in many ways it felt like it was his final goodbye. It must've showed somewhat in his eyes despite his tremendous effort to keep his expression pleasant because Elizabeth frowned, only a little, before she echoed his farewell-Allie had already darted up the steps and disappeared inside after quickly shouting Bye, Uncle Nathan!
Nathan turned and left, feeling like he was leaving his heart at the footsteps of the schoolhouse.
The day passed with barely concealed agony. Nathan still performed his job to the best of his ability. Bill had informed him that Mountie Headquarters was sending a detail to escort Constable Novak's body home with full honors. The trial for the O'Rourke siblings would also now take place in Hope Valley since the more egregious crime had taken place just outside of town. Nathan had felt relief at this news. Even if the risk was essentially nonexistent now, it still felt like a bad omen to transport Jenny and Elias out of Hope Valley until it was time to take them to prison, for there was no doubt that that was where the brother and sister were heading. For a long, long time, if not life in Jenny's case.
Nathan again stood near the bottom of the steps with other parents as they waited for their children's dismissal from school. He'd told Bill that he had plans with Elizabeth and left any Mountie business needing attention to Constable Howard, who was more than happy to keep busy. He'd then gone home and changed out of his uniform. He noticed that parents who once had looked at him with unwelcomeness or indifference in their eyes now greeted him with smiles and nods. It should have lifted his spirits to finally be accepted. To no longer live in Jack Thornton's shadow. It didn't. All it did was make the pit in his stomach grow deeper and deeper, and the conversation he was soon to have all the more difficult.
Children streamed past him, receiving smiling greetings and waves from them as well. Opal's smile had been the biggest and it did lighten his heart. The little girl and his niece had formed quite the bond in the last several months and he was so, so happy for Allie. Especially in light of her revelation about her friendship with Mary Harlow the night before. Allie and Elizabeth were the last to exit the schoolhouse. Allie bounded down the steps toward him with a bright smile. Elizabeth followed at a more leisurely pace. Nathan took the basket from her hand when she reached the bottom of the steps. A round of Hellos were exchanged and they set off for the rowhouses, Allie skipping a few steps ahead.
"How was your day?" Elizabeth asked.
"It was…" Nathan paused, not knowing the best word to describe his day. Finally, he settled for, "Uneventful."
Elizabeth nodded, linking her arm through his. He relished the closeness it provided. "The children asked some questions about yesterday. Rosemary did a good job explaining what happened, though. They were all very relieved to know that you and Bill were okay."
A lump formed in the back of Nathan's throat from the emotions bubbling within him. He'd never thought he'd make such a connection with a town and those he'd sworn to protect. It was almost overwhelming to know how much the residents of Hope Valley had come to care for him. He'd finally found a home since he'd left his childhood home behind and joined the Mounties.
After clearing his throat, he said, "I noticed the children were more aware of me than usual this afternoon. Opal looked like she was going to hug me but then she just waved before she went to her mom."
"Well," Elizabeth began, "she's usually more aware of what your role as a Mountie is. She was very fond of Jack. All the children were, but Opal took his death very hard. He-he saved her life a couple of days before our wedding."
"What happened?" Nathan didn't bother to mask the concern he felt. It had been almost three years ago now and long before his arrival, but he could hardly stand the thought that something could've happened to sweet little Opal.
"The children were practicing lighting the candles for the ceremony, but they accidentally knocked one over and the church caught fire. Everyone got outside except for Opal. Thankfully, Jack and I had been walking and saw the flames. When we found out Opal was still inside, Jack dashed inside without a second thought and brought her out safely." She took a deep breath. "When I came back to Hope Valley after the funeral, I noticed she was very withdrawn. It had been weeks and Rosemary said she'd been like that the whole time I was away, hardly talking or participating during lessons. I finally talked to her and she said she was mad at herself."
"Why?"
Elizabeth sighed, her voice expressing the sorrow she still felt. "She hadn't thanked him for saving her life and she realized she never could. I think she's extra happy that you're all right because her and Allie have become so close. She probably wants you to know that but doesn't feel like she can express herself so openly to you just yet. She doesn't want to make the same mistake again by not letting you know she values you as our Mountie."
Nathan's heart went out to Opal. She was so young for the knowledge that life could be so unfair, that words left unsaid could remain that way. It was an unfortunate and harsh aspect of life. He was also honored that the little girl regarded him so highly. He hoped to never let her or anyone else down. He was devoted to protecting the people and the town Jack Thornton had loved so much, and the town he and Allie had come to love.
Nathan chuckled ruefully. "It's no wonder people barely tolerated me upon my arrival."
Elizabeth's initial response was to chuckle, too. "Yes, that was terribly unfair of everyone."
Nathan shook his head. "No, it wasn't. Chief Superintendent Collins warned me how beloved Jack was before I came here, so it wasn't entirely unexpected that I might face some resentment. It just shows what an excellent Mountie and man that Jack was." He could see the smile Elizabeth exhibited as she remembered her correction from their introduction. "I could only hope to be half as accepted one day."
"Well, you don't have to hope anymore." She squeezed his arm.
Nathan's heart soared and dropped simultaneously. How can I do this? he internally lamented. Am I about to destroy everything I've ever wanted and have come so close to having? It was a question he couldn't answer and didn't want answered.
He cleared his throat. "I'm so grateful Allie and I have found a home here. We've never felt attached to any of the places I've been assigned before."
Elizabeth smiled. "Hope Valley has a tendency to do that to newcomers. I've witnessed so many people come here, not expecting to make it their permanent home and yet they've never left. I certainly never thought I would fall victim to the same phenomenon. I think there's some kind of magic here," she mused, looking around her before chuckling. "It draws you in and makes you never want to leave." She grinned impishly.
Nathan returned it. "I think you're right. I may not have been immediately welcomed to Hope Valley, but I quickly realized this town was different. You were different, with how you were so open and welcoming, advising me to be patient. And then there was how you approached the troubles with Allie fitting in. No other teacher has ever treated our situation with the respect and understanding that you did. Trying to actually help instead of just telling me what I should and shouldn't do."
"How many teachers suggested that you resign from the Mounties to give Allie stability?"
"Too many," Nathan said, the frustration coloring his tone.
"I'm sorry for that," Elizabeth said sadly. "Teachers usually want what's best for their students, but they don't always realize that more often than not, there's more than one path available to achieve it."
Her gaze turned contemplative and Nathan wondered if she happened to be speaking from personal experience. He hoped he would have a chance to ask her at a later time because they had reached her house.
Allie waited for them at the porch and the trio entered the house. Laura was sitting at the kitchen table, focusing on the book she held while Little Jack sat in his high chair scribbling on a piece of paper with a blue colored pencil.
Little Jack looked up and upon seeing Nathan, shouted, "Nay'en!" loudly and threw the colored pencil in his excitement, immediately struggling to be let down from his confinement. Nathan smiled widely at the little boy and placed Elizabeth's basket on the desk by the door, walking further into the house.
Elizabeth, Laura, and Allie laughed at Little Jack's squirming, his irritated huffs of breath letting them know of his frustration at still being trapped. Laura came to his rescue and freed the boy. As soon as his feet hit the floor, he barreled straight past Elizabeth, his attention wholly on Nathan, who quickly and gladly scooped him up and tickled his neck.
Peals of delighted giggles filled the room, serving to lift Nathan's spirits, if only for a few, brief moments.
Little Jack soon began squirming again, saying, "Down!" so Nathan set him on his little feet and he took off for Allie, wrapping his arms around her legs in a tight hug. He smiled up at her, saying, "Hi, Ow'wee."
"Well, it's nice to know where I stand in the line for my son's effusive greetings of affection," Elizabeth mused.
Nathan could see she was not truly upset because of the twitch to her lips that she was trying to quell. He decided he would take this moment to lighten the mood.
"He sees you everyday, Elizabeth. Allie and I are not quite a novelty to Little Jack, but it's the same principle. We add a new excitement to his day when he sees us," he said with a smile.
Elizabeth pursed her lips and placed her hands on her hips. "Are you saying that I'm boring in my son's eyes?"
Nathan laughed and held his hands up in surrender. "I didn't say that."
Elizabeth actually rolled her eyes and relaxed her stance. "I'm just glad he likes the two of you so much."
"Me too. I think Newton has a lot to do with my case, though. He might not like me as much without him."
"No," she shook her head, "you've always been so good with him. I was very touched when you offered to hold Little Jack for me at the cafe after his Christening. And the funny faces you made for him, well," she blushed and looked away, "I was… affected when I saw you doing that." She looked back at him and their gazes locked.
His mind went blank for a moment. He wondered what kind of affected she meant.
Allie bounced to a stop in front of them. "I thought you two were going for a walk."
The spell between them broke. They both turned toward Allie.
"Yes. Yes, we are," Elizabeth said, nodding decisively, like she was remembering their plans after having forgotten. "Are you going to be okay with Laura and Little Jack?"
"Yes! We're going to play and do homework and eat peanut butter cookies!" Allie's eyes were bright with excitement.
Nathan and Elizabeth both laughed at her enthusiasm. "That sounds fun. Don't eat too many cookies, though. We don't want you three to spoil your dinner," Elizabeth warned.
"Don't worry, Mrs. Thornton, we won't," Laura assured. She had joined them, holding Little Jack on her hip.
"Well, I guess we should get going, then." Elizabeth kissed Little Jack's temple.
"Bye, Mama, bye, Nay'en," Little Jack said, waving at her and Nathan.
They both waved goodbye and set off outside again. It was a bit brisk, but thankfully, the wind was not blowing too hard, so it was bearable. Elizabeth snaked her arm around his again, setting off for the woods to the left of the rowhouses.
They walked slowly and in silence for a couple of minutes.
Nathan broke it by asking, "Where are we going?"
"Before the church was built, Cat Montgomery used to hold Sunday School services in a clearing not far from here," Elizabeth said.
"I thought church services were held in the saloon. Isn't that where you taught and meetings and such took place?" Nathan asked.
"Yes, it was." She nodded. "Reverend Anderson was the pastor at the time and on the payroll of the mining company. After the accident, many of the widows decided not to attend his services. He even tried to place the blame of the old church burning down on Cat."
"What?! Why?" Nathan was flabbergasted. Cat Montgomery was a lovely woman. How anyone could think she would burn a church down was beyond him.
"Well, apparently Henry threatened to fire Reverend Anderson if he didn't find a way to bring the townspeople back to his services. Henry said it wasn't worth paying him if he only had a few attendees. So, not wanting to lose his income, he went to Jack and suggested Cat be looked into. His reasoning was that Cat wasn't at the candlelight memorial service held on the evening the church caught fire."
"How did Jack prove her innocence?"
"He almost didn't. He even had to detain her at the jail for a couple of days while he investigated."
"Was there evidence against her?" Nathan asked. Jack wouldn't have had to detain her if there wasn't evidence indicating guilt on her part.
"Yes, but it had been planted by a man named Charles Spurlock. He was a Pinkerton employed by Henry at the time. He was trying to get revenge on Cat for her rejection of his advances after her husband died. He took a can of the whale oil she uses to make her candles, burned it near his cabin, and placed it in the charred remains of the building. Jack found it, and found out by chance that that's what Cat uses. To make a long story short, while Jack was off confirming her alibi, I visited Mr. Spurlock to return a necklace that had been found and belonged to him. He'd tried to give it to Cat, but she'd rejected it as well. Before I left his property, I found the spot where he burned the can, he caught me and pointed his pistol at me-"
"He did WHAT?!?" Nathan shouted, cutting her off.
Elizabeth patted his arm with her free hand in comfort. "It's okay, Nathan. Jack got there in time. He kept Mr. Spurlock from harming me."
"I-I just-" Nathan's jaw worked but no more words came out.
Nathan tried to calm his rapidly beating heart. He knew about the Tolliver Gang taking Elizabeth and her sister hostage, but he'd had no idea there'd been this incident with this Spurlock fellow. He could've lost her before he even knew her! Rationally, his mind told him he had no right to feel that way, but his heart was not in agreement. The world without Elizabeth Thatcher-come-Thornton would be a lesser place. Nathan couldn't even reconcile the idea with reality, whether he had known her at the time or not.
"I understand, Nathan," Elizabeth said softly.
He looked into her eyes and saw understanding and a shadow of pain. He wondered what she saw in his.
They came to a stop in a clearing with logs in lines for seats. It was a truly beautiful place, incongruous with the conversation looming over their heads.
"Should we sit?" Elizabeth asked.
Nathan nodded. They sat on two different logs, facing each other.
"Elizabeth, this isn't easy for me to say. I only ask that you let me tell you everything."
Her brow creased, but she nodded.
"The day we met and I told you that I'd never served with Jack, it was the truth and it wasn't. You know that before Allie and I came here that I was stationed at Fort Simpson." Elizabeth nodded again. "Well, before we were at Fort Simpson, I was…I was stationed at…Fort Clay."
Elizabeth gasped in shock.
"At Fort Clay…" he took a breath, "at Fort Clay I was the one supposed to lead the training mission, not Jack. I was…disciplined for an earlier action and your husband…Jack replaced me."
Elizabeth had covered her mouth with her hand while he spoke and her eyes filled with tears. "Why-" she cleared the hoarseness from her throat, "why were you disciplined?"
Nathan took a deep breath. "My commanding officer sent me to locate and observe some cattle rustlers. I found them, but they were going to cross the border, so I made the decision to arrest them before they were out of our jurisdiction. Superintendent Hargreaves suspended me for disobeying a direct order and I transferred to Fort Simpson." He took another deep breath. "Elizabeth, I am so sorry I didn't tell you this before. I just didn't know how to when we first met, but then I couldn't because I felt…guilty."
"I don't understand," she whispered.
"After the accident I requested a transfer here to Hope Valley. I never met Jack but I knew that he left behind a wife and child, and I felt that it was my responsibility to look after you. To protect you."
Elizabeth's eyes had hardened through the glassy sheen. "Why would you assume that?" Her voice was harsher than he'd ever heard from her before.
His heart felt like it was cracking, fissuring in millions of random patterns. "I felt it was my duty. When I found myself…when I found myself falling in love with you I felt like I was…betraying Jack and his memory. That's why I didn't tell you. I fell in love with you and I didn't know how to tell you. I've been a coward and I've been selfish. I can't tell you how sorry I am. For everything. For Jack dying. For not telling you. For all of it."
Elizabeth looked at him like she didn't know who he was. The hurt, the betrayal, he could see all of it in her eyes. He did not let himself fall apart, though. There would be time for that later.
"Nathan, could-could you just…I need to be alone. Please," Elizabeth said. She couldn't even look at him.
Nathan swallowed his refusal-only because it was cold-and stood. There was nothing he could say that would make this the smallest bit better for her, so he said nothing as he walked away. He took one last look behind him. Elizabeth had hunched over, her face in her hands, and he could see her shoulders shaking despite the fact that he could not hear a sound. He desperately wanted to go to her, but he knew he couldn't. He felt like he couldn't breathe. He wondered if he'd survive if Elizabeth decided she didn't want him in her life anymore. It hurt. He didn't know if he could live without her.
Lee was lounging away the mid-afternoon hours. Although he now felt fine from his accident, Rosie was still adamant that he follow Carson's medical advice of taking it easy. His wife had even walked him to the road leading out of town to make sure he went home and Lee felt it was easier to just give in. He'd puttered around the house for a bit, finally settling on trying to read the book he'd not gotten past the first page of the Christmas three years past.
Thinking of that Christmas only brought on bittersweet memories. It was the last holiday that had been spent with the finest man he'd ever known and best friend Lee had ever had. Lee knew his feelings of sorrow and loss pertaining to Jack were nothing compared to what Elizabeth and Rosie felt, but he still dearly missed his friend. So very much.
His maudlin thoughts were interrupted by a knock at his front door. Thankful that he had a distraction, he hopped up from the settee so quickly that Rosie would've scolded him had she been home. He was surprised to see Nathan on his front porch, the long face a bad omen.
"Nathan," Lee greeted.
"Lee," Nathan said, nodding his head in greeting.
Lee stepped backward and Nathan came inside. "What can I do for you?" he asked after the door had shut, keeping the chilly air from stealing the warmth from the room.
"Is Rosemary home or is she still at the dress shop?"
The question took Lee by surprise. "Uh-I believe she's still at the shop," he said, perplexed as to why the Mountie would be asking after his wife's whereabouts.
"I have something I need to ask her to do," was all Nathan said. The bleakness of his expression made Lee quickly pick up the telephone and he jiggled the hook to get Florence's attention at the switchboard. At least he assumed it would be Florence since he'd found out Fiona had been fired from the telephone company and Molly wasn't fully trained and still worked at the infirmary during the day.
Hope Valley Central, how many I direct your call?
Yep, it was Florence. "Hi, Florence, it's Lee. Could you please connect me to Dottie's?"
Of course, Lee. Connecting you now.
A couple of rings later his wife's voice came over the line. Dottie's Dress Shop, how may I help you?
"Rosie?"
Lee! Rosemary's voice was alarmed because Lee usually tried not to call his wife during working hours unless it was something important.
"Everything is okay, sweetheart," he assured, but looking at Nathan's haunted eyes and stiff posture, he wondered if that was actually true. "I need you to come home. Nathan is here and there's something he wants to ask you to do."
I'll be there shortly, was Rosemary's immediate reply and then she hung up.
Lee turned back to Nathan after he replaced the receiver on the hook and set the phone on the side table. "What's going on, Nathan?"
Nathan just shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "I'd rather wait until Rosemary is here so I only have to explain it once."
Lee didn't push. The pained grimace was more than enough to make him respect Nathan's request.
The silence as they waited was taut and uncomfortable. Lee wished he could think of something to say that would have nothing to do with why Nathan was in his house, but since he didn't know what Nathan needed from Rosemary, Lee didn't try to initiate a conversation. Nathan looked like he'd rather walk barefoot over hot coals than talk, so Lee left it at that.
True to her word, Rosemary quickly strode into the house, stopping directly in front of Nathan, not even bothering to remove her coat.
"What's wrong, Nathan?" she asked without preamble.
"Elizabeth is in the clearing where Cat used to hold church services. We-we had a talk and I shared something with her that was not-" Lee could see the effort it took for Nathan to swallow before he continued, "Well, it was…unpleasant. She asked to be alone, so I left. But it's cold and if she's out there too long, her coat won't be enough to keep her warm. I want to respect her wishes, but I don't want her to suffer in the cold, either."
Lee was stunned. What on Earth could Nathan have said that would cause trouble like this? he thought. He could see his wife was equally shocked before her eyes narrowed and Lee knew that didn't bode well for Nathan, Mountie or not! It would have Lee ducking for cover if that look had been directed toward him.
Rosemary crossed her arms over her chest and leveled a glare at the nervous man standing in their sitting area. "Nathan Grant, did you break off your courtship with Elizabeth because of what happened yesterday? Because if you did, I can tell you that-"
"No!" Nathan almost shouted, cutting off Rosemary's building tirade. "No." Nathan looked absolutely miserable. "But she may wish to do that." He ran a hand through his hair. "Look, what I told Elizabeth was something I had to tell her before we could move forward anymore than we already have. It was upsetting and it was something I shouldn't have kept from her this long, but like I told her, I was a coward and selfish."
Both Lee and Rosemary gaped at Nathan. He was so distraught and Lee could see Nathan was being torn apart on the inside. It must truly be something horrific, whatever it was Nathan had kept from Elizabeth.
Lee's instinct to protect his friend kicked in. Despite the fact that Nathan was much taller than him, and he was technically still recovering, Lee took an intimidating step forward. Before he could say anything menacing to the wary man, Rosemary's hard voice broke the shocked quiet.
"I'll wait ten minutes and then take a blanket to Elizabeth. You had better tell us what's going on. Now." Her tone left no room for argument.
Nathan gulped but nodded his acquiescence. He related the events that brought him to Hope Valley and his reasons for keeping his peace about them until now. Neither Lee nor Rosemary interrupted. They just listened. Lee felt flooded with different emotions. Anger and sympathy were the topmost two.
"I see. Well, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen," Rosemary said frostily. She gathered a large blanket and with one last glare sent in Nathan's direction, she departed.
Lee didn't know what to say. He was sure that if he did try to speak to Nathan, he may say something he couldn't take back and might regret later. Nathan seemed to understand because after one long look at the window facing Elizabeth's house, he left. Lee didn't try to stop him.
After the door had shut, Lee plopped down on the settee. He couldn't imagine what Elizabeth must be feeling. He was glad that Nathan was thoughtful enough to send someone to look after her. It showed how much he loved her. Lee was conflicted on how to feel. He was upset with Nathan for keeping this to himself for so long, but on the other hand, he understood. Hadn't he kept the secret of his sister from his own wife for years?
He sent a quick prayer to Heaven above that Elizabeth would be all right. If anyone could help her though this difficulty, it would be Rosemary. He knew the road ahead for them, for all of them, wouldn't be easy, whatever Elizabeth decided to do. She would either forgive Nathan and continue to move forward, or she could end their relationship. Lee so badly wanted to see Elizabeth happy again, and he would support her decision, whatever it was.
Notes:
I want to make it known that I don't personally think of Nathan's character as a coward or selfish. However, with that being said, from what we've witnessed of Nathan's integrity, he would think that of himself. It's called "Survivor's Guilt" and is often a facet of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Even though he was in no way responsible for Jack's death, he would still feel that it was his fault because Jack took his place on the training mission and Jack didn't come home from that exercise. Nathan would feel like it was his fault that Jack left behind a wife, child, mother, brother, and countless loved ones. We know it's not his fault, but Nathan still needs to be absolved of his unnecessary guilt, which Elizabeth does eventually. Plus, he's just experienced a life-or-death situation where he could've died and a fellow Mountie did die. He would feel like he hadn't talked Jenny down in time or that maybe him grabbing the rifle was what changed the trajectory of the bullet, striking Constable Novak. So lots of guilt going on there.
Also, it's not unreasonable that Lee and Rosemary would react angrily to Nathan's secret. It wasn't that they felt Nathan was to blame, but because he'd kept it from Elizabeth for so long. They are her best friends and saw firsthand what losing Jack did to Elizabeth, so of course they would be upset on her behalf. Nathan had deliberately, even though he did have legitimate reasons, kept something that related directly to Elizabeth's life from her the whole time they'd known each other because he was scared of what her reaction would be. That's natural. Especially when you love that person. He kept silent when they became friends, started to become more, and then still after they began courting. That's where the selfishness that he feels comes in. Nathan would feel like he put his own happiness above the truth he felt he owed Elizabeth. It's all about perspective and how feelings of guilt intermingled with love can warp how a person thinks and feels. It can make them feel unworthy, that they don't deserve love, and it should have been them who didn't come home.