Chapter Seventeen

This couldn't be happening.

She blinked, but the scenery hadn't changed. She was still sitting in one of the enormous reading rooms of the New York Public Library, having caramel macchiato as if it was your run-of-the-mill café. She took a slow sip; its sweet and salty taste lingered on her tongue, making her second-guess herself yet again. Maybe this was real? She blinked again, but the person across from her remained where he was, peeking at her curiously over his Americano cup.

"You're looking at me as if you expect me to disappear any second now," he told her.

"Well, duh," she replied, glancing left and then right, but no one minded her. No one seemed to realize how crazy this was, the notion of her speaking to a ghost, having coffee with one, in the middle of the friggin' library of all places. He was the only one looking at her strangely, but for all the wrong reasons.

"I don't get why," he said.

"Umm... you're dead, Collins. You died five years ago."

If she expected the information would shock him, she had another thing coming for her. "Indeed, I am," he replied serenely.

"Then how is it possible you're here?"

"I miss having coffee with you. Catching up."

"I miss it too," she said, softening in spite of herself. "But this is seriously messed up."

"Don't worry, I won't be staying long. I just wanted to tell you..."

She jolted at the sensation of someone shaking her arm, gently yet persistently. As her eyes snapped open, Collins' image dissipated faster than she thought possible. Her first instinct was to reach out and grab him before it hit her. Just a dream. She sat up against the bed board, panting a little, as her gaze slowly focused on Libby, who was looking at her urgently. "Munchkin, what time is it?"

As she asked it, though, she grabbed her phone and glanced at the screen. It felt as if she had gone to bed ten minutes ago, and yet somehow, it was already five passed seven. How was it possible that it was morning already?

She got ready in a haze, her mind still buzzing. It didn't help that Libby was particularly animated, chatting non-stop during the school run. It wasn't until she dropped her off that the reason for it dawned on her; it was her last day at work, and by the week's end, they would be back in Manhattan. Their apartment was down to essentials only, with most of their stuff was already at Mark's apartment. She was meeting someone about her car in a few days. It was finally beginning to feel real. She smiled at her reflection in the rearview mirror, doing her best to ignore the dark circles under her eyes which makeup couldn't conceal. Never mind that, she thought. Everything would be okay once they got to New York.

Libby's cheerfulness was contagious. She could feel it bubble to the surface as she made her way upstairs to her office. She had most of her matters in order by now. It was mostly a matter of tying some loose ends at that point, a final staff meeting that afternoon, possibly a goodbye dinner with some of her closest colleagues in a few days.

Despite the euphoria her last day at work inevitably entailed, she was still troubled by her dream, by the way it ended so abruptly. It felt so real. Collins looked exactly like she'd remembered him, down to his crazy printed dress shirts. Above all else she couldn't stop wondering – what was he trying to tell her?

Mark would know what to make of it, she thought. But by the time she finally had a moment to call him, the battery on her cell phone was on the verge of dying and so she grabbed the landline and dialed Mark's number, all the while searching for the charger in her bag. When his answering service kicked in, she hung up and tried the gallery, opening her desk drawer while at it.

"Hello?"

Letting go of the search for a moment, she leaned back and smiled at the familiar voice. "Tammy? Hi, it's Maureen."

"Oh, hi! How are you? We're gonna see you around here pretty soon, huh?"

"Yeah, pretty damn soon," she laughed in reply. "I'm doing okay. You?"

"You know, the usual. Seriously, I'm starting to think that I am the one owning this gallery. If only I could claim credit on the actual works."

"Oh, Mark is not around?" She hoped she didn't sound too disappointed.

"Nope, sorry. He's at a meeting downtown. You know, the Life thing."

"That's why he's not answering on his cell, then."

"Most likely, yeah."

"Could you tell him I was looking for him?"

"Sure, no problem."

"But have him call me here at my office. My cell phone is about to die and I have no idea where the damn charger is."

"Story of my life, that," said Tammy wistfully. "Is this the same number you're calling from?"

"Yeah, it is."

"Well, I'll tell him. Whether he remembers to call is between the two of you; you know how forgetful he can get." She had that contemplative tone; it was pretty clear what she was up to.

"I'm not going to change my mind, you know. I will marry him no matter what you say," she said, toying with her engagement ring as if to make her point.

"Well, you can't say I didn't give you a fair warning."

"You're good," she laughed, only to gasp with a start a second later as her door creaked. Still spooked by her dream, for a moment she actually believed it could be Collins, visiting her at work as well. A chill ran down her spine. "Tammy, I gotta go, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. Have a good one!"

She returned the pleasantries halfheartedly, her eyes fixed on her door. She placed the phone back slowly, feeling a bit foolish as she hesitantly asked, "Who's there?"

She didn't know whether she should laugh or cry when Kevin's head peeked in. "Sorry, I didn't realize you were on the phone."

"Would you do me a favor? Could you ask Kathleen if she had my charger?" she asked, mostly so she could be left alone and get her heart rate under control again. Really, she was losing it. To act so ridiculous over a dream...!

Soon, though, Kevin was back, and handed her the charger before sitting across from her. She thanked him distractedly, already plugging in her cell phone. It was probably why his next statement caught her so off-guard.

"So this is the big secret?"

"I'm sorry?" She honestly didn't understand what he was on about, but he had that sly grin, and before she could decide what she was going to say, he continued.

"I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but like I said, I didn't know you were on the phone."

"How much have you heard?"

"Just enough to know you've been keeping secrets." The gleam in his eyes wasn't malevolent, but he clearly wanted to gossip and she wasn't in the mood to share. "I wish you said something when I asked you out that other time. I would have backed off."

"I didn't think it was anyone's business, to be honest."

"So no one here knows you're engaged?"

"Not through me. And I appreciate it if you could keep it to yourself."

He squealed a little; she cracked a smile despite herself. In another life, they might have ended up being best friends. "A secret engagement, I love it. I won't tell a soul." They held each other's gaze for a long moment, new understanding forming between them. "Now, is there any way I can convince you to join me for lunch?" At her raised eyebrow, he lifted his arms in mock surrender. "Nothing like that, I promise. You just look like you could use something to eat and someone to talk to."

"I appreciate it, Kevin, but I need to prepare for the meeting."

"Maybe just coffee? I heard the new place down the street is awesome."

"Coffee I can handle," she said, smiling a little.

"How about banoffee muffins?"

"They have banoffee muffins?" She all but shot herself out of her seat to the sound of his cackle. On their way out she stopped by Kathleen's desk. "I'm leaving my phone here to charge, so if someone named Mark is looking for me, tell him I'll call him back as soon as I can, okay?" She held her breath, waiting for Kevin behind her to break his promise, but he stood aside silently, waiting for her.

"Will do," said Kathleen, then her attention drifted to Kevin. "Get her out of here, make sure she gets some fresh air, this is her first break since she walked in today."

"I'm on it," said Kevin, giving her a thumbs up, and led her towards the elevators.

"Way to gang up on me, you two," she scowled, but followed.

"So, shall we treat ourselves in honor of your last day? How about caramel macchiato?"

She just gaped at him for a second, then snapped out of it. "I'll just have a cappuccino."

She wasn't sure why she was so worried about spending time with him. He took Kathleen's request super seriously and fussed around her, but never in a romantic way. They spoke more at length about themselves, but never once had he tried to delve into her personal space. When she didn't elaborate on something he didn't push it, and she tried to treat him with the same respect.

Upon returning to her office, she checked her phone, but Mark still hadn't called her back. She left the phone behind as she gathered her papers and headed to the conference room which was slowly filling.

"Okay?" asked Kevin as she took a seat next to him.

"Headache," she replied. She didn't actually mean to say anything, but he was looking at her with such genuine concern that she didn't have the heart to pretend she was fine. "You would think all the sugar and caffeine would eliminate it," she added, forcing on a smile.

He reached for a water pitcher close by and poured her a glass. She barely managed to thank him as the meeting started. She was doing her best to pay attention, to smile as everyone said how she would be missed, but her heart wasn't in any of it. She was feeling worse by the second. The room was so stifling she could feel perspiration at the back of her neck. She shrugged, meaning to take off her blazer, then remembered it was in her office. She grabbed her hair and arranged it into a messy bun, then stuck a pencil inside to keep it up. She could feel Kevin's gaze on her, but she did her best to ignore him. She could do this.

"You were never good at remembering to eat when you were busy."

She nearly jumped off her seat with a start. There was Collins, sitting beside her, shaking his head with disapproval. "Collins, what the hell?" she asked through greeted teeth. Her eyes flew around the room, but none of her colleagues seemed to register the weirdness of the situation.

"It's somewhat comforting to know that hasn't changed. Though it's a bad habit, Mo. You really should know better by now."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because there's something you need to know."

"What? Just tell me, you're freaking me out."

"I just wanted to tell you – "

"Maureen? Are you alright?"

She opened her eyes – when had she even closed them? – but the darkness persisted; then she realized she had her head between her palms. She looked up, disoriented, as Kevin's face swam into focus. "Something is wrong," she murmured. Her headache shifted into this constant ringing in her ears. "Sorry, I need to..." She got up abruptly, meaning to get out. But her legs were unsteady, and the room was suddenly spinning, closing in on her. Her body felt numb. She could hardly breathe. There were frantic voices around her, but she couldn't make them out. She reached into the darkness, trying to find Collins. If only she could find him, if only –

"It's okay, Maureen." Kevin again. She could barely open her eyes to look at him, but she recognized his voice. It was soothing, despite the hint of panic it clearly carried. It felt as if she was floating; he must be carrying her out of the room. She let her head lull against his shoulder, and allowed the darkness to take over.

"You sure know how to pull off a grand finale, don't you?"

She chuckled humorlessly as Kevin knelt by the sofa in her office. It was good to be back there, comforting; she felt drained. "I wouldn't be in theater if I didn't." She couldn't believe the hoarseness of her own voice.

"That's true." He eyed her more seriously. "How are you feeling? Really?"

"Embarrassed, mostly. I don't think I ever fainted in my life."

"Are you sure you don't want us to get a doctor?"

"Positive." God, as if she hadn't caused enough of a scene already. "Honestly, I'm okay."

"You look like shit, Maureen."

She didn't even have the energy to roll her eyes. "You sure know how to make a girl feel special on her last day at work."

There was a knock on the door and Kathleen peered in. "I just got off the phone with Lillian, Maureen. She'll have Libby until we get you home. She suggested keeping her overnight if that helps."

She was ashamed at the tears she could feel stinging her eyes. All this attention was making her emotional. "Thank you."

"You just take it easy for now, okay? I'll get you some soup from the deli downstairs."

She hummed her consent, and Kathleen disappeared behind the door again. She leaned back and closed her eyes, only to open them a second later. "Could you get me my phone?"

"What part of take it easy for now did you not get?" Kevin sulked at her.

"Kevin, come on, I just need to check my messages."

"Please, humor me? Leave it for now." She scowled, but didn't argue. "Oh, but Mark did call you back."

She sat up was instinctively, but couldn't bring herself to get up. Horror was building up. "Did you tell him..."

"I had to. You should probably call him. Later," he added, when she meant to get up again.

"God, this has been the weirdest day," she sighed.

"You can say that again."

"No. I mean..." She deliberated. Maybe she should tell him. Kevin was unbiased. He wouldn't think she was out of her mind. Honestly, he had seen her at her worst today and didn't seem to be judging her. "I had this dream last night... about a good friend of mine who died a few years ago. It felt so real. He was trying to tell me something. And then I, uhh... saw him. At the conference room." She peeked at Kevin, whose expression was sealed. "I'm not crazy," she said anyway.

"I didn't say anything. What do you think he wanted to tell you?"

"I don't know," she moaned. Suddenly she was desperate to know.

"Well, maybe," he said slowly, as if trying out a theory out loud. "Maybe he was just trying to tell you to slow down. Maybe he knew you wouldn't listen to anyone else. Maybe he just looks after you."

It was just too much to think about just now. She closed her eyes again, letting herself drift.

It was already evening when Kevin dropped her off at home, and he didn't leave until she promised to go straight to bed. She resisted the urge to check on Libby next door, after several reassurances from Lillian via texts that she was fine. She took a shower and made herself a cup of tea, then, as promised, got into bed. Only then, and somewhat fretfully, she reached for her phone. She texted Mark earlier already, just to say she was fine, but she could sense his panic from his tense reply. She wasn't looking forward to calling him. It was getting late on his end, but she knew he would still be up, waiting for her call.

"Maureen?"

"Hi."

"What the hell is going on?"

"Nothing, I told you, I'm fine – "

"You collapsed at work, you're anything but fine!" She had expected it, given that he'd had hours to get all worked up, and his tone still made her flinch. Mark had never raised his voice on her. Only once, back when they had dated, and he apologized for two weeks afterwards. And now he suddenly seemed to realize he had done it again. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell, it's just…" His voice trailed off; he sighed. "You have no idea what it was like… Hearing that something is wrong with you, knowing there's nothing I can do about it."

"I'm sorry you had to find out that way." If she was being honest, she was sorry he had to find out at all, but that couldn't be helped.

"I was really scared," he said quietly, the helplessness evident in his tone.

"I was scared too."

"Please take care of yourself, okay? At least until you get here and then I will. Damn it, Maureen, how could you not tell me you weren't feeling well?"

"What was the point, Mark? You just said it yourself. There was nothing you could possibly do. I didn't want you to worry. I promise I'll be okay."

She didn't know if he believed her. There was a brief pause, and then he asked, "How's Libby?"

"I only saw her this morning. My neighbor has her for the night, she's sleeping. You should sleep too."

He chuckled darkly. "I'm exhausted, but I don't think I'll be able to."

She knew exactly what he meant. "You wouldn't believe the dream I had last night." The late hour and the enormity of the day were making her sentimental. How she wished Collins was actually there with them. "I miss you so much," she said quietly, her voice cracking on fresh tears.

"I miss you too," he replied softly. "You can tell me about your dream tomorrow." She heard him stifling a yawn.

"Good night, Mark."

"Good night, sweetheart."

It only dawned on her when she was finally drifting, shortly afterwards.

He'd never called her sweetheart before.