The first time Alphinaud noticed something was distinctly wrong was when they were twelve.
The twins were laughing loudly as they rolled around and played in the snow outside their estate. It was winter in Sharlayan and it was one of the rare times in which snow fell onto the city and blanketed it in white. Taking advantage of the situation, the family had decided to sit outside and enjoy the cold air and snowfall in relative peace. The children were off for holiday recess, and so most kids in the neighborhood were doing the same thing. Fourchenault had initially protested against his children 'wasting their time and possibly getting sick' in the elements, but one pout from Ameliance and he budged, grumbling something or another about his wife being a third child as they gleefully ran outside to the front of the estate.
Alphinaud jumped in surprised when ice was shoved down their jacket and they shrieked, spinning around to glare daggers at Alisaie who was grinning maniacally at a job well done. They jumped on her and tackled her to the ground, both of them laughing and shouting as they got their hair, jackets, and notably their faces wet from the rough play. Their mother had lightly reminded them to play nice, and so they begrudgingly let each other go. They sat back in the snow, catching their breath as Alisaie threw herself backward, lying on the snowbank.
"I totally won that round, you know." She gloated, referring to their previous impromptu 'spar'. They knew she would argue this fact and simply waved it off, much to her chagrin.
"Haha, I knew it! Plus, you hate getting cold, so I would've had you even if mother didn't tell us to stop fighting."
"Whatever you say, dear sister." Alphinaud felt a shiver forcing its way through their body as they frowned at their clothes. Their previously warm leggings were now soaked and covered in both snow and sweat, and their hands started to ache with the feeling of being in the cold for too long. Their jacket was tight, meant to keep in the heat while staying out of their way, but just made them viscerally uncomfortable as they tried to pat down their front from the amount of snow on them. They motioned to stand up, Alisaie following almost immediately after but with her own plans in mind. Instead of heading to the front porch, it was obvious Alisaie was going to attempt to socialize with the other children in the area, and Alphinaud knew they would either follow or be dragged along anyway.
Making their way quickly but carefully through the stockpiles of snow and ice, the two thought they were home free just a few ilms from the main sidewalk connecting the neighborhood. And that was when Alisaie let out what could only be heard as a squeak of complete terror as Alphinaud's arm was suddenly taken into a vice grip and dragged behind a pile of broken snowmen. They were thrown back into the snow as Alisaie ducked behind as well, and they could do nothing but stare incredulously at her.
First, they become freezing cold from being outside, then they get dragged to socialize before being tossed into a snowbank? They huffed, hands shaking in a few powerful flaps as all the residual snow falls off their skin. Alphinaud motioned to stand up and storm off, grumbling about this and that as they imagined a warm fireplace and a hot cup of cocoa awaiting them inside, but Alisaie gripped onto their arm again before they could move to stand.
"Wait." Her voice wavered slightly at the end, and with that, all their anger dissipated. Alphinaud turned to stare at her in confusion, cogs turning in their head. Was she ill? Did she see someone that had bullied her? Was it someone father had forbade them interact with? A million questions bounced around in their head as they kneeled back down to her level. Alphinaud placed a hand on her forehead and another on her cheek, noting that other than the redness due to the cold, there wasn't anything that he could distinctly point out as wrong.
She swatted their hands away moments later, and Alisaie's face scrunched in such a way that Alphinaud wanted to make her feel better in any way possible.
"Alisaie, what's going on?" They asked quietly, sitting on the snow and giving her a moment to respond. And respond she did, with a long-drawn-out sigh. She turned, head barely peeking over the mound of snow that walled them from their peers. Following her eyes, their gaze landed on… two siblings. One was a Hyurian girl they knew by the name Cial Florinthal, who was in the same grade as the twins. She was a bit shorter than them with startlingly clear hazel eyes and hair tied in two high pigtails that framed her round and cute face. She was wearing tights with snow boots laced up to her shins, and a long raincoat that was adorned in soft white furs to accent the light pink overall color. The girl's cheek and nose were rosy pink as well, ears covered by carbuncle-shaped earmuffs. As for the boy standing to the left of her, Alphinaud took a moment before he could put a name to that face. Ilsan Florinthal was a grade above the twins and the girls' older brother. He was rather tall for a Hyurian child as well, with long dirty blonde hair tied into a large braid that hung over his left shoulder that reached his waist and a soft, round face that made his otherwise tall height much less intimidating. He was looking around, seemingly confused at the lack of people in the area. His jacket hung half-open, the white and blue sweater underneath it keeping him as warm as possible all things considered with his pants half-soaked from walking through the snow. Alphinaud only knew of the boy because Alisaie and he struck up a rather… odd friendship, usually centered around testing spells on each other to random disastrous effects. They felt something stir in their stomach as their gaze lingered on Ilsan, his clothing and the way he held himself something Alphinaud could not put into any other words but want, before averting their eyes quickly as they tried to not think about what it meant.
Outside of that odd, uncomfortable feeling surfacing whenever Alphinaud looked at Ilsan, they didn't understand why the two would be someone to literally run away from. But when they looked down again, they saw a much clearer picture. Alisaie peered over at the girl, not in fear or contempt, but… shyness. Something they had not seen in their fiery sister in quite a long time. Her cheeks were slightly red but they started to question if it was from the cold, and her eyes seemed trapped gazing at her with a certain level of intrigue and curiosity. But as quickly as she allowed herself those moments, she sighed, flickering her gaze to look out at the boy next to the girl of interest. That wistful look quickly went away and was soured by a scowl.
"...You know how mother always tells me that when I am older, we're going to make every boy fall in love with us and break their hearts, be the perfect girlfriend or whatever in the future too or something of the sort that she rambles about every now and then?"
Alphinaud hesitantly nodded, eyebrows furrowing as her words sat heavily on their shoulders. She finally averted her gaze completely from the girl at the gate, turning to them instead.
"Mother keeps saying that Ilsan is someone I have a crush on. I always find an excuse to talk to him or invite him over, you know? I guess I can understand how that looks." She spoke before her face scrunched up in such a way that usually happened when she ate something too sweet for her liking, or something frustrating was happening.
"I- how…" she took a deep breath, trying to find either the courage or the sheer words she wanted to say. As she did so, Alphinaud started secretly filling in the blanks. Was Ilsan trying to force something on her? Maybe the two didn't get along as well as they thought. Could their parents be trying to arrange something and the two preferred to be friends? Maybe Alphinaud could convince their parents to call the arrangement off, perhaps propose a more extravagant solution that would draw their parents away from over-examining the friendship too closely. Before their planning can come to fruition in the form of a verbal explanation, Alisaie completely cut it off.
"What about you, actually? Do you… have any boys you fancy?" She seemed to be stalling as she tried to gather her words, and Alphinaud took it in stride to give her the moment she needed, even if their curiosity was just a tad killing them.
"To be perfectly honest with you, not really. I do not quite have the time for such things, and even if I did, I can scarce find a boy who would not just speak at me as if they were smarter than I. As if I need the condescension." Alisaie seemed to sink into herself even more after their words, and Alphinaud quickly tried to backtrack.
"I mean, I suppose I could look at someone and find them attractive? But I do not know what you are asking of me, and I cannot help but notice my words are not what you are seeking to hear. You know that no matter the circumstance, I will not be upset with what you say, yes?" They reassured, only to be swatted lightly on the forearm by their sister.
"Oh, I know, you sap! You can relax now, seeing you squirm is enough to get anyone out of their own cranky mood." She grumbled, before finally blurting whatever has been hanging on her mind out.
"I don't know how to explain to mother that the reason I am… 'fancying' interacting with Ilsan is not to flirt or hint that I like him, or even for him at all, really." Alisaie confessed, and with those words, she went back to looking down at her knees, not able to quite meet Alphinaud in the eyes. Her words confused them, and they tried to understand what she could potentially be implying.
"Why do you invite him over so much, then?" They asked after a few moments, feeling like a large piece of the puzzle was missing. She winced at the question, only for Alphinaud to start internally panicking at her somewhat-misty eyes. He motioned to reassure her but she quickly pushed him back, hands surprisingly not letting go and instead of holding onto their wrist like a lifeline. She looked back and forth to make sure no one was listening, and after reaffirming their mother was still on the balcony much too far away to pry and father nowhere to be discovered, she spoke.
"I was hoping… that he would bring Cial around." She finally whispered out, eyes shakily flickering up to stare at Alphinaud's reaction.
It took a moment for them to put the pieces together. Sure, talking to Ilsan would eventually make him bring along his sister, but she was in the same grade as them. Sure Alisaie seemed to never have quite the right words to say to Cial whenever they were in the same room together, but Alphinaud simply chalked it up to their sister not knowing how to interact with her crush's little sister. Surely Alisaie would be able to invite over a friend from class if she so chose, so why would it matter? Matter of fact, if she didn't have a crush on Ilsan, why would she invite him over as if she did-
Alphinaud's mouth dropped open just slightly as it all clicked into place, and they took a moment to stare at their anxious sister, before turning just slightly to then look at Cial. At that point, Cial had turned to face them more than the estate, and she was idly swaying and humming to herself, the sound barely making it over to them over the sound of children playing and snow falling. Avoiding Ilsan's gaze again, Alphinaud then turned back to their sister. Alisaie had turned to look at Cial when they did, but unlike them, did not turn away afterward. They saw the way their twin stared at Cial and instead of just shyness, they saw wistfulness. If they knew better, they'd think Alisaie looked as if Cial was a knight and she was a princess, if it weren't for the fact that neither was a boy to take the 'knight' role. Their twin's cheeks turned red in a way that they knew was only when Alisaie was truly flustered, and she fiddled nervously with the end of Alphinaud's sleeve, hands trembling slightly as she stared at Cial. And after a moment, Alisaie turned and was looking at Alphinaud as if they would know all the answers.
But the truth was, they had no idea how to respond. They didn't know that girls could like someone other than boys, but if that was what Alisaie was implying… was there anything wrong with that? They tried to wrack their brains on it, thinking of whatever loose legislation their father had interrogated them on that morning or what they'd heard from other adults in the area, but they had no idea. They did not think so, considering Alisaie was one to live passionately and by her own rules, so why would it matter? It did not hurt anyone, and if Cial and Alisaie would be happy, who were they to speak on it? So with a gulp of air and a silent prayer to not mess this up, they grabbed Alisaie's hand.
"If you are implying what I think you are… I did not know that was possible, but-" They quickly added the 'but' as Alisaie tensed up and turned her head away. "-there is nothing wrong with who you have feelings for. If anything, wouldn't it be less… 'odd' if you just asked Cial to talk instead of going through her brother?"
"Oh yes, let me just do that! Let me walk up to the girl that I feel like I can barely look at, and ask her to come over. And let's just make sure everyone knows I'm… I'm queer because I asked a girl to come to my home with me to hang out in my room, alone, and I dress odd because I dislike formal attire and I like combat studies and I do not like the practicalities of family balls or status, and I'm not as smart or brilliant or beautiful as you, and continue to prove to everyone I'm the wrong twin, that's brilliant! What a fantastic idea!" Alisaie's voice dripped with sarcasm, and while she kept her tone very quiet, each syllable was tied with venom and contempt. She kept turning about as if someone was going to pop out and overhear the two talk.
Before she could get lost more in her thoughts, Alphinaud did the first thing they could think of – they took their free hand and lightly tapped her head, almost in a scolding manner. They didn't know how else to snap her out of the unconscious rant she had stumbled into and knew they needed to get her to listen for a few moments.
"You are my sister, regardless of what our father believes or what Sharlayan tells us is appropriate. We are not exactly the most 'socially apt' of our peers, and we've always stood out quite a bit for our age, but you… do know that I could not do any of this without you, right?" Their words were vague but carried an untold amount of emotions for two children to hold.
"Even if you are 'queer' to everyone else around us, even if it were true that you were considered anymore so 'odd' than we already are, seven hells – even if you were to walk over to Cial and tell her you were infatuated with her right now, I would be there by your side making sure you were happy. You are not the 'wrong twin', I am not the 'right' twin, we are just… siblings who should be allowed to exist for ourselves and not just for others."
Alisaie was stunned for a few moments at Alphinaud's words, and they felt themselves get restless at a lack of verbal response. They stumbled over their words clumsily, mentally scolding themselves for doing such a thing as they tried to backtrack and correct whatever the faux pa was. What they weren't expecting was Alisaie's arms to wrap around them in a quick hug, feeling her breath come out shaky as she squeezed them tight. Alphinaud almost instinctively reciprocated, mostly relieved that they didn't put their foot in their mouth as is often their wont.
"Do… do you mean that?" She spoke quietly, voice trembling in just a slight way to be noticeable to them but not anyone else. They squeezed her just a bit tighter.
"I would not lie to you about this." They swore, and they heard Alisaie's breath hitch as she tried to keep herself together and failed. They sat like that for what felt like an eternity, letting her gain her bearings and not-so-subtly ignoring the tears they felt soak into their neck and shoulder. Their mother walked out of their house and looked over from the porch in worry, but Alphinaud motioned that Alisaie was okay, motioning in one way or another to stay seated. Ameliance visibly hesitated, but nodded after a few moments and sat down on the front stair, conveniently distracting their father when he walked out of the door to give Alisaie extra time to look presentable.
Alphinaud whispered said fact to their sister, who took just a moment's breath to get herself together before pulling away, rubbing her face and patting it rather aggressively to snap herself out of it. Alphinaud took the lead in standing up, Alisaie following right after. After she stood, Alphinaud reached for her wrist lightly, smiling at her.
"Do you want to go say hi?" They asked while nodding slightly to Ilsan and Cial, the two now seeing the twins and offering casual waves. Alisaie bit her lip lightly, looking back and forth between the two, before matching their smile with her own and grinning.
"...If you insist!" She spoke half-begrudgingly, though Alphinaud was able to quickly read through her bravado and gave her a reassuring squeeze on her wrist before guiding her over.
A few weeks went by after their conversation in the snow. They had just gotten out of their after-lessons debate class and motioned to pat down their skirt in disdain for the dust that they all but felt landed on it, a general feeling of wrongness permeating throughout their whole body during the day. They felt as if they were going to vibrate out of their skin or throw up or both but quickly maneuvered to close their bookbag and walk out of the room to avoid any unnecessary socialization. Even with that in mind, Alphinaud couldn't get the conversation out of their head, and Alisaie was conveniently avoiding any and all discussion with them about the topic, politely shutting them down with a wave of her hand or just a blatant switch of the topic. They knew it was something she was still struggling with, considering the excursions with Ilsan didn't seem to end and the friendship between Alisaie and Cial continued to be strained at best.
They meandered their way between large crowds of students as they navigated the halls of the Studium, smiling here and there at the few faces they knew from more than a passing glance. One door, two doors passed before they barely managed to throw themselves out of the bustle of walking traffic and to a small staircase. Students gathered around it, both sitting on its banister and along the steps as they talked about the upcoming practice exams. Thankfully though, this staircase led to the senior libraries – filled with dreadfully old texts of eld and littered with enough dust that most of the alumni and senior students evaded it all together for the much more consistently maintained, larger, and neatly polished general library. Ignoring the confused looks they got by rushing down the stairs, Alphinaud held their bookbag tight to their chest as they walked down the next few flights of stairs. As they did so the stairwell became dimmer, the only lights coming from a few oil lamps and the darkening sunset coming from a small pane window near the door to the library. They let out a breath they were holding once the crowds thinned into nothing, looking behind themselves and up the stairs just to be safe that no one was staring at him.
There was a bit of a 'policy' among Studium students – don't ask, don't tell. While they indeed were the youngest and brightest of Sharlayan, they were no less immune to rebellion or simple curiosities that would otherwise be frowned upon. Many times Alphinaud had stumbled across a student trying to brew the infamously fictitious 'love potion' that you could find in almost every old folklore spellbook, hiding within old bathrooms to try and summon spirits, or students trying to find forbidden magical spells to do research on only for it to blow up in their face and show itself to be too unstable to utilize. Though Alphinaud was not well versed in secret-keeping, they knew when to truly keep their mouth shut about secret excursions between students that got… heated in the hallways, or when a peer would forge a test grade to bring home to their parents. That is to say unless a teacher spotted them sneaking down these stairs into the library, not a soul was going to snitch about digging through books they weren't authorized to see. Even the staff member in charge of the senior library never bothered to ask for identification for any student who walked in as long as they clearly went to the Studium at all. This was all but telling considering Alphinaud brought her cookies every Friday as a thank you for maintaining the dead room.
And it just so happened that this library was one of the only places that went in-depth on historical Sharlayan policy and legislation as to how it affected other countries (for the good or bad of the world), and they would do well to absorb this knowledge while they had access to it even if the others students found no interest. No one wanted to read 'biased literature that made Sharlayan's founding principals look bad' after all.
Walking into the room, they immediately covered their mouth to avoid the immediate desire to sneeze. Even with how they frequented this section of the school, the amount of dust in the air was astounding, and they quickly waved in front of their face with their free hand to clear the air. The room itself had a tremendously tall ceiling, mahogany wood adorning the whole basement-level room in a dark shadow that was only brightened by the slight amount of additional oil lamps and candles that flickered throughout the space. Shelves going high into the roof lined every wall, with relatively 'regular' sized bookshelves dotted around the walkable space in-between each wall.
It would be a bit of an understatement to say that Alphinaud had not been in this room much. In fact, this was one of their favorite spots to hide when researching and studying when they had the unique opportunity of not being required at home immediately after school. In this case, Alisaie had a magics lesson go late and they offered to stay behind on campus to walk her home since she had been concerned about exhaustion from today's lesson in particular. Either way, it allowed Alphinaud to spend some time in the all-but-abandoned relic of a time that was this library and comb through some books on topics they were curious about, all without being interrupted or judged for it. They navigated around the piles of books on the floor and rows upon rows of adorned shelves expertly, hands gliding on the spines of all the books they passed as they scanned each section quickly. Folklore, Political Autobiographies, Anthologies, and Ancient Magics were all rather large sections that have clearly seen more activities in the much distant past but are all forgotten now. They grabbed a few that they found interesting, one detailing the history of the Studium's founding principals (simple but effective), one on the history of Old Sharlayan (a topic that always intrigued Alphinaud, but one they dare not question to their father lest they dredge up a long debate that they were sure to lose), and a few on a history of previous laws passed by Sharlayan forefathers. And so they continued, plucking one or another into a small stack of books to move to their 'typical' corner of the room to read while they waited for the 19th bell to sound throughout the campus.
Alphinaud found themselves pausing at a specific book cover that they had glided through, curiosity budding in their chest as they pulled it out of the shelf. It looked rather promising, too, with an old worn but well-treated leather binding and yellowed but intact pages. The cover was relatively benign, with the words 'Representation In An Infinite Mirror' written in basic cursive on the front. Humming in vague interest, they added it to their stack of material that they were going to read today.
The desk they always used was empty (who else was to be expected to use it, though?) and so they quickly moved over to allow the less-than-a-few now stacks of books to sprawl across it. Alphinaud reached into their bag to take out a notebook, allowing themselves to jot down page numbers and insights they had in the wealth of knowledge in front of them for easy referral in the future. And so that is what they did – grabbing their first historical text, they sat there, pouring over each individual word and sentence as if it were a lesson being given by a professor directly, jotting down questions and theories and future applications of legal proceedings if it were to be referenced in modern legislation. It was mindless work, almost brainless for Alphinaud, but they were okay with it.
It was the one time in their life that doing something they felt required low brainpower came without being punished.
Though as they tried to read their more informative and historically-bound charges, the small and innocuous leather-bound book about civil rights kept calling to them. Whether it was its odd name, out-of-place space on the shelf, or just an innate curiosity, Alphinaud ended up reaching for this piece of text to dissect and dissect they did. It started off simple – an outline of civil rights codes and legislative items that were the foundational texts of many previously existing and even modern established countries, and how those rights reflected those of their forefathers the most. What stunned Alphinaud wasn't the basic overview of the history, however, but the hook that got them invested in reading the rest of the text. It started off simple, going over the forming bodies of Sharlayan's original, much smaller forum. It gave context as to the founding fathers of the island of the shore of the Northern Empty, its founding morals and why it picked Thaliak as its deity and many more things that Alphinaud was already aware of. But no – what drew them in was the final sentence of the introduction.
'This anthology of stories and history notes is not to share with you which that is already known by those who have since written history in their lense, but to enlighten further generations on the historical victories in Sharlayan and the world proper in terms of human rights. Stories are untold and underrepresented in modern literature and history textbooks. Letters passed around legislative bodies and leaders of eld who petitioned for equal rights. From the tribes on Thavnair that came over after Garlean's imperialism to a queer subculture that was subsidized and minimalized unless convenient to the modern truth and economic boons it provided. All history is deemed important and worth sharing here, and we aim to display to you an unbiased, rare, and in-depth look into those who are commonly written out of textbooks to reapply them to the narrative.'
'A what subculture?' Alphinaud was intrigued. Their sister popped into their mind, alongside Cial and her almost haunted expression when describing her feelings.
To be completely transparent, Alphinaud had no idea how to respond when Alisaie confessed her romantic desires because they had no idea that was something people could feel. But after being more attentive, they quickly surmised what exactly perturbed her so. Whether it was quiet sneers they heard in the hallway to those that vocalized said attractions, or if it were a slur used to make fun of students who barely kept the grades to stay in the Studium, commonly attributed to students, ah, 'bedwarming' teachers to stay enrolled. 'Twas a rumor that they were subjected to quite a lot when they first enrolled into the Studium early and only the blood sweat and tears of visibly being up 3 days in a row were enough to prove to their peers that they were not cheating their way up the grade board. Alphinaud felt insurmountable guilt at the realization that while they had not participated in such folly, they never spoke up against it, all but tuning it out as ridiculous hyperbole or childishness. But if those words were ever spoken to their sister, even in jest, they could feel the anger that would explode about it in their veins.
(It was one of the few traits they got from Ameliance, a large temper that only minimized with their ability to regulate from Fourchenault.)
Regardless, Alphinaud found themselves entranced in the text they were reading, notebook all but forgotten as they leaned back in their chair in rapt interest. There was so much that Alphinaud had nary heard a speck of.
According to the first section of diary entries and lettered communications, one of the women who served in the first round of forum members named Elodie was engaged to a woman that she had met out on the sea, the two finding companionship through the sail at their back and sprawling ocean. They sent many long-traveled letters once the two settled on different sections of the island and their duties caught up to them, well documented and preserved for future generations but almost never viewed in academic settings for being 'personal' and not official legislation. Among them lay many debates on the ever-present isolationist policies the two had discussed throughout the establishment of said policy in Sharlayan doctrine, as well as the basic theory and schematic debates that led to the ever-present Gleaner occupation in Sharlayan, all mixed into love letters that even Alphinaud had to swallow when reading to keep their emotions in check. The adoration was palpable with every word the two exchanged, and it made their heart speed up in forlorn wishes for the same in the future. In a way, it reminded Alphinaud of their parent's love and devotion. Many times did they hear of Ameliance and Fourchenault's exploits as they fell in love amidst the changing seasons and through missions that caused the two to cross paths.
This story solidified that Alphinaud needed to take it home and show their sister. Intrigued in a way they haven't been in quite a long time, they made themselves more comfortable and continued reading through all the excerpts the book had to provide. Learning about historical figures and their 'oddities' (though Alphinaud was a bit uncomfortable with that descriptor even with a lack of alternatives) made them feel almost… seen. They had to pause mid-paragraph at that revelation. What was it about this book that made them so compelled? Why did their breath catch whenever the mention of queer and open identities make their shoulders relax and eye water so? Why did Elodie give them hope that grew almost dangerously so under their breast when they thought about it? When they read about a man who was verbally against the isolationist policies of Sharlayan but was tasked with trying to negotiate peace with the tyrants of Garlemald after its occupation of Ala Mhigo, Alphinaud was stunned when realizing the man went by fluid pronouns that switched depending on what they were feeling that day. Reading these personal letters, diaries, and first-hand accounts of these relics of past people felt almost like peering into a window like a voyeur, not meant for their eyes but rapt in interest anyway.
They heard the 18th bell ring. Entranced in the words on the page, they ignored it for but a brief moment, flipping the page to the next story. And in it detailed a man only twenty-five summers old by the name of Pietro who helped create and facilitate the initial connections between New Sharlayan and the Eorzean city-states. Tall with dark eyes and blonde hair who spoke with a commanding voice but was oh-so gentle to his long list of lovers according to rumors and speculation. The section depicted what remained of his journal after the evacuation from New Sharlayan due to rising conflicts in the area, half-lost to time with the swift evacuation of almost all worldly possessions that did not pertain to their aetherial sea research. Most sensitive research and insider information had since been redacted before publication, but not his numerous personal letters and journals. Alphinaud felt their hands tremble as they read the inner workings of this man's mind, from growing up as a child in Sharlayan, to taking on the task of organizing a whole fleet of workers in New Sharlayan on their mission. And in doing so, they revealed many things about themselves more than that those around them. One of the letters, in particular, was of note.
'It is I, again. I've finally come home after long talks with the city-states, and after this final correspondence to Sharlayan, we will officially be recognized as a city-state of Eorzea. It's quite difficult to imagine, truly! We had conflicted over this for so long, but the end is finally here. It still feels quite silly to write to myself like this, but with my lack of family here, tis nice to be cheerful to someone, even if I don't ever intend on sending this message to anyone else.
Today… I told my closest colleague about my previously documented thoughts. It did not go the way I expected, and I am eternally grateful for that. When I told Y'nona about my queerness, she but laughed and insisted that I was just acting like the man I had been destined to be and to order her a drink already as though nothing changed! And I guess in a way, telling her truly didn't change anything in the first place. Never had I felt so… included. It felt as if a boulder had lifted from my shoulder and I could walk tall for once. I had been going by my new chosen name since landing on Eorzea soil, not telling a soul and only notating my 'legal' name in official Sharlayan communications to avoid confusion. I had thrown out all my old fittings and there had never been a greater feeling than burning it all to ash. A few sylphs traveling through had even provided me a means of lowering my voice, and by Thaliak did it work!
Now that Eorzea and New Sharlayan are allies, perhaps I'll be able to make this occupation more than a temporary position. The opportunity to stay here and truly exist as I am is something I had never known I needed until I left, and I don't wish to feel the scrutinized looks of my peers. No, I was able to start over here, and here is where I shall stay.'
Alphinaud paused at this, closing the book with a gentleness they didn't anticipate they had at the moment. They pondered over the man's words, his honesty that grew from the pages in such a way that felt earnest to them even years after it was written. Their hands shook but otherwise, they were… oddly put together. This revelation wasn't one of a large realization, but of many small things clicking into place after so long.
All the days sitting in front of a mirror, doing and re-doing their hair and changing their clothing; it was not because they were self-conscious about being 'beautiful' or 'elegant', it was because wearing those clothes felt like a lie they had to put on every day. Their voice was not annoying because it was loud or overbearing, but because the light timbre made them want to vomit when they heard it back by accident on audio recordings. The envy for Ilsan clicked into place and all the weariness and resentment Alphinaud had but could never properly place melted away. They weren't weary of them for anything, they were jealous. They laughed wearily at these thoughts, the feeling of their body being wrong suddenly making much more sense but being all the more terrifying. They put their head in their hands and tried to take a deep breath because while the revelation itself was almost a relief, the path forward built up dread they hadn't felt before.
Were they allowed this? Could Alphinaud change their name, change everything about themselves, take away the 'precious little girl' their mother had, the 'kind and loving' granddaughter their grandfather adored so much? Could they be so cruel as to warp what they were now and take away that person from those who loved them so?
Once the 19th bell rung, Alphinaud was still stuck in that position. Almost mechanically, the book that completely threw the world off-axis was wrapped in a loose sweater they had carried in with them. To the bottom of the bag it went before the 'normal' educational biographies and books that got piled on top of it. The bookbag got placed on a back – the back of someone who both had the world opened just a bit brighter but with a new weight oh-so heavier. Walking to the front door, the librarian in charge looked and smiled before her voice resonated with her normal 'come again!'
She They He looked at her, nodded with a smile, and continued to walk out the door, his world irrevocably changed from before he walked in.
* * *
A/N: So, time for my usual "oh man I have a few notes I want to share about the process" ramble.
1) This story was written with self-discovery and acceptance in mind. It was initially just the scene with Alphinaud and Alisaie in his room but quickly spiraled into this 2 chapter and extended epilogue mess. I also am not a massive fan of purposely deadnaming a character, so imagine sometime after Alphinaud came out to Alisaie and when they left Eorzea, he had started transitioning socially and using Alphinaud as his regular name.
2) This is AU! Yes I do try to loosely keep to the FFXIV plot but I mean, Alisaie is gay, Alphinaud is trans, my Raen WoL is dating G'raha after the Crystal Tower fiasco (which makes Shadowbringers a whole level of messed up additionally), and I started writing and plotting this general AU out before ever touching Endwalker so there will be discrepancies. For reference, I have started Endwalker! But only got to around level 82-83 MSQ where I'm being forced to go to Thavnir so I'm still very much not caught up. I tried to incorporate some of what I learned into the plot but yes I absolutely made shit up lol (especially political god I hate politics)
3) I had contemplated writing about Fourchenault's reaction/general shitty behavior but after realizing this story is about a character healing from their internalized fears and anxieties/accepting themselves and uplifting their own gay sister, I felt as if fitting in issues with his father being a shithead would just defeat the point + doesn't define his growth and happiness so I left it out. Eh, maybe one day. I've also based Fourchenault and Ameliance slightly on my own parents and they've stressed me out too much to want to write them.
The whole fic is wrote out, I just thought 14k might be a bit TOO much to drop in one long chapter so I split it up where it felt natural and will post the second one probably tomorrow. Expect one last chapter and an epilogue~ and I hope you enjoyed it! I appreciate all kudos and would love to scream about anything FFXIV in the comments. I also have a Twitter (same name as this ffnet account).