AN: this is a story I've wanted to tell since like middle of last year, but I couldn't think of a good way to have the cast of TTS get into the ruby-verse until the last episode (or last one made so far, hopefully GW pulls its head out its butt and they can finish it) gave me the perfect means practically on a silver platter. Or well a busted up robot but who's counting?
Hopefully this carries some of the same comedic energy that TTS did while poking some light hearted fun at the RWBY storyline as it exists so far.
Ch 1. Nice Cape.
Drip
Drip
Drip
Ruby watched the leaking ceiling of her cell with a furious bubbling anger. She had never been so bored before in her entire life, 'at least in professor Ports' class I could sleep.' she thought to herself sullenly. But no, she needed to be alert, at any moment the guards would fall asleep, or make a mistake and then she would break out, grab her baby and whup all of their buts, that would show them! Stupid Weiss and her constant second guessing of her leadership, stupid yang and her dumb big sistering, and even stupid Blake and her big dumb white fang obsession. She'd show them all by taking down this whole terrorist operation, camp, thingy, all by herself!
"I can hear you know."
"Eep!" ruby jumped at the voice in the dark intruding upon her internal monologue. "Oh uh sorry uh, did I- ?"
"Say all of that out loud?" the terrorist said, clearly in no mood to chit chat, "Yes. Yes I did." The guard fished a key out of her pocket and proceeded to enter the cell.
As she moved into the limited light of the cramped interior ruby finally got a good look at the Faunus, she was a bit taller than her and wore a standard white fang uniform. A white vest-coat over black pants and shirt with a head covering hood to further obscure her identity in addition to the porcelain mask she wore. Despite this, a pair of minute dainty antlers pokes through the top of her scalp and hood while faint locks of light orange hair could be seen poking out on either side of her hood. They were the smallest of details to differentiate her from her fellow terrorists which, Ruby supposed, was the point. It would make it harder to determine who was doing what and who had which alibi. Silently she congratulated herself on an analysis well done, professor Oobleck would be prou-
"Are you going to keep narrating to yourself all night? Because this food is getting cold." the deer Faunus said, indicating the bowl of reheated soup on the fold out table in front of her.
"Eheh heh?" Ruby chuckled nervously, embarrassed beyond belief. "How much of that did you-?"
"Who's Professor Oobleck?" the terrorist cut her off again. "Do you mean Doctor Oobleck? The historian?"
"Ugh," Ruby sighed, resigned to her fate if a little confused as to how a terrorist knew her history teacher, "Hey where's the spoon?" she asked.
The terrorist scoffed, "Do I look stupid to you human? To use a spoon I'd have to untie one of your hands. You Huntsmen are some of the most dangerous warriors on the planet, literally everything you do involves fighting. I bet you've already studied at least a hundred different ways to kill me with one on top of the ones you're thinking of right now!"
"We're not that obsessed." the huntress pitifully argued. The terrorist crossed her arms and down at her prisoner, a silent challenge to name something that huntsmen did that didn't involve copious amounts of slaughter with impractical gardening equipment. "We… uh, collected sap in the forever fall forest!" she beamed certain in her victory.
"And why did they need to send huntsmen to get it?" The masked Faunus asked, raising a single eyebrow above the porcelain veil.
"Well… the forest was full of Grimm-"
"AHA!" The Faunus exclaimed, triumphant in proving the spirit of her point, grimm meant fighting meaning huntsmen were only good FOR fighting. Thus Ruby Rose had to suffer the indignity of eating without cutlery.
"Well I still need a spoon." the red cloaked girl said in clear agitation at her loss.
"Why?"
"It's soup!" she whined, "You need spoons for soup like you need huntsmen to fight Grimm. It's common sense now give me a spoon!"
"Three words kid," the terrorist said in mocking superiority, "SEM. BLAN. CES. for all I know you shoot stuff out of em like fire balls, or lightning, or something extra stupid like summoning a giant spirit of muscle and attitud-"
SHAKABLAM-KAKOOM
It was at this moment the universe chose to prove the little Faunus a prophet or at least answer the diminutive huntress's prayers for an end to her humiliation. A flash of light and a crack of something that sounded like thunder roared into the tiny cell invading it with the form of a tall human male. A very tall human male, an Adeptus Custodes to be precise.
"-to fight… for yo- awww crap."
The nine foot tall gold clad warrior sat in utter bewilderment at the scene before him, blinking in surprise. It was not everyday a Custodes awakens to find himself in a prison cell after all. There were none within the Imperium who would dare imprison the Go- Man Emperor's personal guard, yet here he was. His first thought was that he might have been captured, but this run down ramshackle pit was hardly up to mechanicus standards.
His learned gaze took in the sight before him, the image of a militant looking figure with horns holding a young girl in a red cloak hostage and tied to a chair. This information filtered through his gene-craft enhanced mind to comprehend and understand his situation. The wheels turned within the mind of the Captain General of the Adeptus Custodes formulating the perfect response:
"Nice cape."
"Nice cape."
The giant and the girl blinked, silver eyes met his gilded visor, as each cerebral cortex had independently come to the same shared conclusion. Beneath his helm the ageless warrior smirked.
"Ehhhhhhh" he said, pointing his free hand at the girl and intoning a surprising amount of mirth.
"Ehhhhhhh" the girl returned with a smile, including the hand pointing despite its current confinement to the side of the chair.
Deery didn't like this, Deery didn't like this one bit. One minute she was just delivering the prisoner some food and then this big magical teleporting giant shows up out of nowhere and is apparently instant friends with her? Yeah no if ever there was a good reason to panic it was this. Slowly she began to back away from the odd couple and out the door.
"Hey where do you think you're going?" the little red huntress asked.
'Drat' she thought, obviously caught in the act she defaulted to her most obvious loyalties. "Intruder!" she yelled, "Intruders in the holding cell! They're freeing the priso-!" then with a whoosh of air behind her, the world went black.
The deer xeno (or possibly mutant) crumbled to the floor with a pathetic thump, her attempts to warn her fellows cut short by the lightest tap of his Custodes Lazer-staff. Her unconscious body now lying crumbled on the age cracked stonework floor.
"Is she dead?" the crimson cloaked hostage asked.
"I don't know." the Custodes honestly replied. "It would depend on her physical health and skull density. I was only trying to stun her."
"Can you untie me now?" the girl asked even as the thundering report of panicked bootfalls echoed throughout the camp.
"Oh of course." he replied, slipping the blade of his weapon beneath her chair and making a short swipe upwards, cutting the chair in two. With the child now free to stretch her limbs and scratch her nose the giant turned his attention to the room's unresponsive third occupant to check for any signs of life.
Had she been conscious the crumbled terrorist would have felt proud that her efforts were not in vain, but she was not. The Captain General kept such musings to himself however even as he stooped to pick up her limp form, now she was a prisoner of the Imperium and he had many questions to ask of her once the present situation had passed.
Joining the young cloaked girl and as they walked through the underground tunnels, he found her mood, oddly chipper. "You seem particularly pleased, little girl."
"Yup!"
"Uh, may I ask why?"
"I just made a new friend!" she cried hugging his leg, the powerful muscles therein continuing to move unaffected by her added mass. "Oh, I'm Ruby by the way, Ruby Rose."
"Well Ruby, it's nice to make your acquaintance." he replied to the girl still hanging onto his leg. "I don't suppose you know exactly where I… am?" Their conversation came to an immediate halt as the enormous warrior and his floral-named companion found themselves in a large underground area, a dilapidated transport hub of some sort. Its most significant feature currently being the many armed and scowling masked xenos that now surrounded the pair, each dressed in what must have been the standard uniform of whatever their heathen faction was called with some sort of animal trait upon their bodies. Some traits more visible than others, one such individual possessing no beastial traits at all stepped forth.
The man was dressed differently to the rest of the assembled kidnappers, wearing a white coat, gray ascot, and a distinct bowler hat with a feather in it. He carried himself with the arrogance and bravado of the social elite of Holy Terra twirling his cane in one hand, and a red sniper rifle lazily gripped in the other, as he walked chewing his oversized cigar. The apparent leader of the masked assailants came to a stop beside his fellows, with both hands resting on his cane he spoke around the cancer stick still puffing away in the corner of his mouth.
"Alright kiddos I don't know where in all of Remnant you came from or how you got here, but now that you know we are here we can't let you leave. Surrender, we have you surrounded. Try anything funny and you WILL be shot." His voice traveled through the ranks with the sound of many safety switching off, carried by what the Custodies could only feel was the authority of another.
The clear agitation these masked kidnappers had in following the suited man's words was noted by the gilded giant as well as the particular word he had used in his turn of phrase. 'Remnant huh? Interesting, so that's where I am. Now if I only knew where Remnant was…' he thought to himself, cursing his lack of a galactic map.
"M-Mr giant?" Ruby asked from his hip, "What are we going to do?"
Looking down at her terrified eyes he knew exactly what he needed to do. Gesturing for the girl to release his leg he strode forward with all the authority of his holy office to address the assembly of foes.
"Surrounded?" he boomed, the ancient warrior bringing his Lazer-spear to bear in a galant flourish. "I am the Little Kitten, Captain General of the Adeptus Custodes, personal Guardian of the Man-Emperor of humanity himself, Victor of countless battles, the Siege of Terra, and the Horus Heresy, and all i am surrounded by is fear, and dead men."
Silence hung about the room for several seconds, each member of the enemy force no doubt still quaking in their boots at the realization of just what they were dealing wi-
"Kitten?" one said from a balcony, his cohort to his left trying and failing to hold in his giggles.
"Man Emperor?" another questioned, "What is that some kinda sex thing?"
That broke it, the dam burst as each and every one of the masked mutants bowled over in laughter of what was apparently the funniest thing they had ever heard. The Captain General pouted in embarrassment as even the Ruby girl behind him failed to stifle a laugh at his honest to Emperor name. 'Damn it.' He thought. He'd worked hard on that line, imagining how cool it would be; saying that to a room of enemies moments before he'd cut them down. Daemons never gave much opportunity for one liners even if they could understand them, so there went his chance to look cool. Now he just felt silly.
"Heh, ha ha! Well big man," the man with the cane said, his words restoring some semblance of order over his giggling troops. "I'll say this, you were good for one hell of a laugh. Aight boys… kill em!" he said pointing the boxy sniper rifle at the crimson caped couple. Kitten and Ruby braced themselves fo-
"RUBY!" a feminine shout blasted through the air, a buxom blonde bombshell in hot pursuit. She landed knees bent and gauntlets ready, her eyes and hair erupted in a burning inferno towards any who might hurt her ru-baby.
Kitten was naturally taken aback at their rescuer's apparent immolation and thus it fell to Ruby to quell the flames of her sister's fury.
"Yang, it's fine, this is Kitten! He saved me, we're practically besties!"
"Well…" Kitten mumbled, "Ii don't know if I'd really classify us a friends jus-'' the immortal warrior cut himself off as the fiery piercing gaze of the enraged girl caught him square in her crosshairs. "Er, ah yeah! Yeah totally besties, like i've known her for centuries eh heh heh." he quickly backpedaled, hoping to escape the wrath of a girl who could casually set herself on fire without injury. Thankfully it seemed to have the desired effect as she lowered her gauntlets but did not take her narrowed eyes off the gold clad giant, still wary of him.
"Hey you stupid animals!" the flamboyant man with the cane screamed, "why aren't you shooting!? Now there's more of them! Hurry up and kill them before-"
That was when a group of the masked mutants to the right of the duo turned trio exploded in a burst of conjured ice. From the smoke emerging a dainty ballerina with a rapier, an elderly man with a thermos, his dog, and another young woman dressed like a prostitute wielding an odd sword.
"Yang!" the ballerina shouted, "What did the professor just say about rushing in?"
"...doctor…" the old man mumbled dejectedly.
Kitten turned his head back to the leader of the mutants only to see the remains of a dust cloud settle onto a still settling crimson sniper rifle.
"Gasp! Crescent Rose! Nobody drops my baby!" the Ruby girl exclaimed as sheexemplified her sister's brazen behaviour by rushing straight into the remaining terrorists.
"GET THEM!" someone yelled.
After that all sense of order went right out the window, and a few masked goons with it, as all around the small transport tunnel descended into chaos.
"Oh boy," Kitten sighed, "what have I gotten myself into now?
AN: I know its a bit mean to call blake a prostitute but this chapter, and most of the story, is from kitten's pov so you have to think about how HE would interpret the things he is seeing. Which is going to be fairly incorrect at first given how new he is to remnant and the outside world as a whole.