Bijuu Against Human Hosts

Circa 2015 - 2017 ?

Summary: The Bijuu have chosen the only way they know how to voice their disapproval of their human hosts—through intervention—but, not everything goes according to plan. [crack!fic]

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Note: Please note that while this story is based upon the Naruto series, I decided to use the original bijuu line-up from Japanese folklore.

This was also meant to have Kagome in it later on as a hostess.

"Quiet!" The large, orange-colored fox slammed his paw against the ground, while sneering in the direction of the other eight demons that lay near him. His nine, long tails whipping around in irritation, the fox spoke once more. "You all know why we're here, and while, yes, I do agree that quite a few of you deserve death, we will never get anywhere with you squabbling amongst yourselves."

"You're only upssset because you were ssshoved inssside an idiotic little brat."

"Don't tempt me, Orochi," the fox growled back.

The snake hissed one more time, his red eyes glimmering with humor. "I'm only ssstating a fact, Kyuubi. You, powerful enough to level mountainsss and defeat every enemy sssent your way, were easssily sssealed inssside a human brat like the ressst of usss."

"You're both being so juvenile." The large, black cat dragged her tongue across her fur once more. "I mean, really, with the way you're arguing, we're never going to get anything done."

"Pssshhh, that's funny, Nibi. I could have sworn that your jinchuuriki was captured almost immediately after the Akatsuki decided to extract you from her, yet," the turtle looking bijuu shook his head, "you're acting like a pompous princess that deserves to be held in higher regard than the rest of us."

"Hm!" Nibi stuck her nose in the air. "I will have you know that I was favored pet to the God of Death before that silly little human Kishimoto got a hold of me! Besides, what were you doing when the Akatsuki came for you, Isonade? Swimming in your little pond?"

"You are highly aware of the fact that I only need air every few months, Nibi!" Isonade gargled back at the cat. "Unlike the rest of you, I do not need to terrorize humanity every chance that I get."

"And it was only coincidence that you happened to surface when the Akatsuki came for you, no?" The large, white dog seemed to grin sadistically, as his large, black eyes glowed eerily at the three-tailed shark.

Examining his claws, the Rokubi laughed a little. "I must say, Houkou, you sound almost like a possessive lover when you talk like that." Then, his tails flickering, the weasel added, "Have you never heard that cats and dogs don't get along?"

His lip lifting, Houkou stated, "No, but right now I know of a little weasel whose throat I'd like to rip out."

"Oh, don't encourage him, Houkou," Nibi huffed. "You know he'll only bring up the—"

"—fact that you two desperately tried to defeat Kyuubi, together, and managed to get yourselves stuck inside your little humans?" Rokubi chuckled.

"Yes, well," Nibi made sure her nose was exceptionally high, "at least I got to experience the light of day every now and then. Unlike you."

"Oh, har har. Let's take a stab at the fact that the little weasel Rukobi no Raijuu did not make an appearance in the Naruto manga!"

"Better that than what I had to live through!" Shukaku, feeling left out, piped up.

"Oh, fuck," Rukobi cursed.

Rolling his massive eyes, Houkou mumbled, "Here we go again."

"I only wanted to live my life like a normal demon, but then this bastard guy came along and sealed me inside some fucking little tea pot! Yeah! You heard me right, a teapot, of all things! I was once a great and noble priest, and just because I turned into a demon, this bastard put me inside a teapot! Can you believe it?"

"Shut up, will you!" Kyuubi snarled. He watched, delighted, as the tanuki tucked himself behind his tail suddenly, trying to dodge his displeasure. "We all know your story, Shukaku. About how it is Orochi's fault that you're a demon, and you were stuck inside a teapot for god knows how many years."

Houkou sighed, saying, "It does explain his constant need for attention, though."

"Yes, but—" even the dog flinched at his tone, "—we are not here to tell our life story. We are here to tell the world why we, powerful and noble demons that we are, do not deserve to be stuffed inside small human bodies with nothing to do but bite our claws, drive our host insane, and, eventually, go insane ourselves!"

"I will have you know that I never bite my claws, Kyuubi." Nibi flashed them.

Growing frustrated, Kyuubi snapped, "That is not the point!"

"Then what is your point, Kyuubi? Because I do not have all day to sit here while you complain about the fact that your host was, in fact, the dumbest of the lot before he was handed over to that Sannin fellow for training." Shichibi no Kaku rolled a ball of clay underneath his paw, playing with it, in a sense, while he eyed the great Kyuubi before him. "No, wait, I take that back. Because, he wasn't the brightest tool in the shed then, either."

"Yes," Kyuubi finally growled. "Okay, yes. Let us all make fun of the fact that Kyuubi was stuck inside a small boy that was immediately shunned by his own people and therefore not raised to be the prodigy that he should have been."

"Doesss the great Kyuubi harbor some feelingsss for his little human hossst?" The Orochi's head lifted high, humor lacing through his voice, as the fox demon sent a malicious glare in his direction. "What'sss the matter, Kyuubi? Did I hit a sssoft spot?"

"Don't make me remind you why you've lost seven heads, Orochi," Kyuubi growled back.