Summary: Still haunted by the past, Sirius finds comfort with the one who saved xem once before.

Rated: T

Genre: General

Warning Tag: References Panic Attack; Canon Referenced Childhood Abuse; Nightmares; Insomnia; PTSD

Competition/Challenge Block
Written for/Stacked with: Monthly Challenges for All (Year 5)

MC4A: StL (Car in a Tutu); ER (Unicorn); FR (Satisfaction Evolution); ToS (Spinning Plates; Unwanted Advice); BAON (Nontraditional; Sneeze Weasel); Fence (Machismo; Peddling Pots); Star; T3 (Tether); Fireworks [Speak Now; Color Wheel; Pride]; SuB (4A-Red); AUB (2D (Everyone Lives); TrB (3D (Enemies to Lovers); SpB (3D-Warmth); Hunt (Su WD [Anxiety; Depression]); Garden (Chores [Cuddling/Snuggling]; Flowers [Gold]; Mixed Bag [Tea]); Harvest (Actions/Behavior [Drinking]; AUs [Character Lives]; Settings [London]; Tropes [White Knight]); Ship War (Starry Storms [3C-Accidental Confession]); Chimera [Hurt/Comfort; Cuddling/Snuggling]); Link [Same Bingo Card]; ICs (Old Shoes (Y); Short Jog (Y); Bucket Listing (Y); Two Cakes (Y); Eating Cake (Y); Green Ribbon; Zed Era (Y); Zukes of Hazard (Y); Setting Sails (Y); Gryffindor MC; Ravenclaw MC; LEO MC; Magical MCx2; Ethnic & Present (Y); Rian-Russo Inversion (Y); Rowl in Her Grave; Neurodivergent (Y); Red Dress (Y); Red Wave (Y); Fire Extinguisher (Y); Rainbow Rainbow; Missing Rainbow

Houses: Gryffindor, History of Magic (Stand-In); Standard ([Prompt] Sirius Lives!AU; [Last Line] (Pronoun) hoped it wouldn't be the last time.)

Word Count: 1,760

Beta: turanga4; Jetainia, Mumka, Ash

Author's Note: Kingsley goes by he/him pronouns, Bellatrix she/her, and Molly she/her.

(Don't) Suffer Alone

Sirius shot straight up in xyr bed, a cold sweat breaking out over xyr face, arms, and bare chest. It was impossible to settle the gasp-like breathing while xyr eyes darted around the pitch black bedroom. Xe could still hear the echo of Bellatrix's cackling laugh, a sound that still sent xem spiraling into a trembling meltdown. Xe could still vividly recall how she flourished her wand with such aggression and malice that xe remained one-hundred percent unsure how xe didn't lose xyr life from the Killing Curse that was heading xyr way.

Xe only remembered blinking awake lying flat on the ground, the cold, hard uneven rock floor of the Death Chamber dug into xyr back as Kingsley's face blurred into view. The look of relief on his face confused xem at the time. Why would an Auror tasked to capture xem be relieved to see xem awake?

Closing xyr eyes, Sirius tried to focus on calming xemself down with the well-practiced breathing ritual Lily once taught xem after a panic attack. Inhale through the nose for three seconds, hold for five seconds, exhale slowly from the mouth for seven seconds. Again. And again. After several moments, xyr body started to tremble and xe wrapped xyr arms around xemself. Xe didn't feel cold…

Throwing the sweat-drenched sheet off xem, Sirius scrambled to xyr feet, making it to the door and ripping it open. Xe needed to get out and get some air. This house alone manifested an entirely different living nightmare while awake. It helped knowing Harry and Remus were living with xem, but this time… this time everything wanted to come crashing down.

Sirius soon found xemself out on the small front porch of Grimmauld Place. The icy cool night air pricked against xyr exposed skin and the sensation had xem inhale sharply in response. It felt nice, the shock of cold to xyr system; it numbed the intrusive memories, silencing that awful cackle and distant screech of xyr mother that xe swore seeped from the very walls. Closing storm-grey eyes, Sirius focused again to breathe, the crisp air stinging xyr lungs with each inhale. Soon a calmness started to settle. Washing over xyr limbs and through xyr body, allowing xem to relax and breathe normally, all fear and anxiety of the nightmare that clawed at xem gone.

"Sirius? Are you alright?"

That voice…

Sirius opened xyr eyes to see Kingsley standing on the pavement in front of the house. Concern etched deeply on his features as his dark eyes scanned xem for signs of injury. Swallowing the dryness down, xe blinked at the recently elected minister, wondering if xe was now starting to see things from the lack of proper sleep.

"K-Kingsley?"

"Yes," he said, slowly approaching xem. "Are you okay? You're sweating and shivering."

Was xe? Xe didn't realize. Only wearing washed out maroon sweats and bare feet, Sirius didn't even bother grabbing xyr robe. But Kingsley couldn't really be there. He was far too busy and important to be here. The war had ended a while ago, Harry was safe, Sirius was pardoned, no one was after them anymore.

Taking another breath, Sirius pressed the palms of xyr hands to xyr eyes, trying to snap xemself back to reality.

"Let's get you inside," Kingsley said and a warm hand gripped xyr arm to guide xem inside.

Once Sirius was seated in the kitchen, xe stared at Kingsley while he prepared the tea, still in disbelief he was actually there. He had wrapped xem in the throw blanket from the sofa, a soft knitted gold and red one from Molly she gifted for xyr birthday, and the blanket was slowly returning warmth to xyr skin.

"Why were you outside?" Sirius asked, cutting the silence. "Patrols aren't needed anymore."

Kingsley turned to face xem, placing the two steaming mugs on the table before sitting down.

"Unless you were wishing to catch a cold, I could ask you the same," Kingsley said. "Couldn't sleep?"

Sirius blinked at that, folding xyr arms in front of xem. "Yeah. Needed some air."

"I did, too."

Kingsley blew on his tea and gave a test sip, seeming satisfied with it.

"Truthfully, I have been experiencing a bout of insomnia myself. I suppose it is difficult to shake old routines while managing the aftermath of war. I still get… worried about you—about everyone here."

Sirius raised a brow, not expecting that reply. Xe took a moment to sip at the tea, which immediately thawed the numbness xe sought after to suffocate the memories, giving xem a better sense of alertness than before.

"It was better when Harry, Remus, and I stayed in one room. We all slept better knowing that we were right there together piled up on the bed. It was safe, secure, we knew where one another was. Now…"

Xe fidgeted with the mug, letting it warm xyr palms as xe thought of how to make thoughts into words. Kingsley sat there listening intently. It was strange to know that this man was once in charge of hunting xem down and now here they were having tea at the Devil's Hour exchanging confessions like old friends.

"A lot of time has passed and they finally gravitated to their own space. Harry and Remus are in therapy, things are going well for them both."

"And are you?" Kingsley asked.

"Am I what?"

"In therapy?"

Sirius opened xyr mouth but promptly closed it, unsure of what to say. Harry wanted xem to go, saying it would help undo a lot of damage done by the past. Xe honestly didn't think it would help. Xyr mind had been scrambled by the years in Azkaban and the Dementors, followed up with hiding out in xyr childhood home where there was nowhere to escape from the horrors that lingered in the walls once more. Trading one prison for the next.

It was easier to just lock it away and never think of it ever…

"It's… complicated."

Kingsley gave a slow nod in understanding. There was no hint of judgment in his eyes or features, but Sirius still poked at xyr mug awkwardly with a finger. Several quiet minutes ticked by, the pair sipping at their tea and soaking in the calm presence of each other. It was nice to know that Kingsley worried over them… over xem. No one ever really worried about xem during the War, which was fine, Harry's life was top priority. But the first time someone was looking out for xem was when xe was nearly killed. Which reminded xem...

"You were the one who got me out of the way from Bellatrix's killshot, weren't you?"

"Hmm?"

Sirius leaned forward. "You used Depulso to shove me out of the way. I couldn't remember what happened then, but I do know I was pretty banged up when I came to. I remember seeing you checking me over. It was you, wasn't it?"

Kingsley finished his tea and sat it down, contemplating the question.

"It was. Bellatrix had her eyes on you, and your reaction to seeing her aiming her wand in Harry and your direction nearly had you stumble into the Veil to protect Harry. Had I not been able to connect my spell to you…"

Sirius didn't need to hear more. Xe bit xyr lip, feeling oddly shy.

"I never thanked you," xe said, fidgeting with the mug. "For saving my life. And for patrolling the street when you don't have to do that…"

Kingsley reached over and grabbed Sirius' hand, giving it a squeeze. Sirius felt the warmth of it surge through xyr arm, the feeling made xyr heart flutter.

"You may not think so, but you are important to others. Keeping a colleague from danger is the least I could do for you so you can do what you've done for Harry now."

Sirius was stunned into silence, unsure of if xe wanted to hug him, kiss him, or retreat from it all. No one had acknowledged xyr existence like that to xem in a very long time.

Clearing xyr throat, Sirius pulled xyr hand away and got up, collecting the mugs and placing them in the sink.

"I'd say that I should get to bed, but chances of that happening are slim to none," Sirius finally said, turning around to face a now standing Kingsley.

"If it helps, I could stay for a while, make sure you are settled before taking my leave. I know the advantage of group members sleeping together on the floor during patrol shifts. It was… safe."

"That… sounds nice, actually," Sirius stammered. "Yeah."

Xe led the way to the stairs, remembering that since Kingsley—well, the entirety of the Order—made base here once upon a time, Kingsley knew the house as well as xe did, if not better with how thorough his routine checks were.

Sirius quickly magicked the bedding out for fresh ones and grabbed a spare pillow and blanket for Kingsley. Xyr bed was massive, so there was plenty of space for them both to sleep comfortably.

"I, uh… have a spare pair of sleep sweats in the drawer you're welcome to," Sirius said, pointing out the dresser against the wall.

"Thank you."

Xe nodded, watching Kingsley collect them and head into the ensuite. Sirius felt better already having someone else with xem. Xe made xemself comfortable on xyr side and soon felt Kingsley join on the other side.

"Thank you…" Sirius half-whispered, sucking in a breath. "For doing this. For saving my life. For everything… It means a lot…"

"Of course."

Xe felt like Kingsley had more to say, xe did, but instead they both were keeping it to themselves. Of course, Kingsley had no obligation to stay at all, but the fact he was the one who offered was… nice. It was like having a guardian angel in a sense.

"Goodnight."

Sirius drifted away quickly, the combination of exhaustion and lack of good sleep taking over. For the first time in a while, xe didn't dream, didn't have a nightmare or a panic attack. Xe just… slept.

Xe woke late in the morning with a heaviness on xem. It was warm and felt strong like the weighted blanket Harry got xem last Christmas, but xe was only under a sheet. It felt secure. Safe. A soft exhale brushed against the back of xyr neck and last night came back to xem.

Kingsley stayed…

A small smile crept over xyr face at the realization. Xe hoped it wouldn't be the last time.