Chapter 17: They Bounce Off All The Walls You Made

Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion. It belongs to Hideaki Anno, Gainax, and Tatsunoko Productions. I only own the characters I made up.

I'm. . .empty.

Perhaps that's the best way to describe this emotion.

I'm not upset. . .at least not anymore. Everything is sore, probably due to the adrenaline which ran through my body only moments ago. Still, the soreness doesn't particularly bother me. I just sit outside of the school's building, waiting for my "punishment" over what happened in class today. My "punishment" is nothing to worry about. Since I'm the "good kid", nothing much will probably happen to me.

I'm so tired.

I continue sitting outside next to the school's entrance, waiting for my sixth grade teacher to finish doing whatever's taking so long. Perhaps she's talking to the other kid I fought with, or perhaps she's talking with the principal. Doesn't really matter, the teacher sided with me, even though she saw me bashing my fists against the other kid's face. So it's likely the principal will side with me as well.

Annoyance starts to creep up on me as I recall the conversation I had with my teacher. She heard that the kid I beat up had been bullying me for a while, which simply isn't true. I barely even talked to him. I don't even know the kid's name. But, apparently, my teacher got this info from a bunch of my classmates, adamant that the bullying actually happened.

My annoyance becomes more prominent as I think about my other classmates. Of course they would make up a rumor like that. How else could those idiots explain why the quiet kid "snapped". Surely, the quiet kid didn't get into a fight just because someone called him a name under their breath, right?

I don't even remember exactly what that other kid called me. I just remember the anger bubbling up as my body went on autopilot. I hit him when his back was turned, and when he was on the ground, I threw random punches at the guy. It all felt like a dream, like it wasn't really happening. Even when I "woke up", I still kept hitting the guy, feeling a bit of joy after doing so. A bunch of my classmates finally pulled me off the guy and kept a good grip on me, afraid I might not be in the right state of mind at that moment. But the truth is, while I was full of rage, I was no longer berserk. I was fully in control, and I wanted to hurt him.

I'm not sure if the other guy was hurt that badly or not, I didn't bother checking. I mean, he could stand and cuss me out, so he must be somewhat okay. But, even if he was hurt badly, I wouldn't care. I already had a terrible day leading up to that moment, and I didn't need him to talk shit about me! I don't need anyone doing that!

The anger starts to return as I think about not just the kid I beat up, but also my annoying classmates as well.

Those idiots keep putting on those false faces, pretending they actually give a damn about me! In reality, their "concern" is just an act so they can end up looking like the "good guys". After all, "good guys" are always rewarded. "Good guys" protect the "weak", or talk to the little lonely boy sitting in the corner by himself. It's something you're taught to do because the act will grant you a reward, regardless if you actually gave a shit or not! I can already hear them, saying how "they can't imagine what I'm going through" or "how they wish they could help me". It's disgusting, and I want no part of it!

The teachers are no better. When they tell me I'm a "good kid", what they really mean is that I make their job easier. I don't talk, I don't ask too many questions, and I always do as I'm told without complaint. I'm only "good" by their definition because I don't have the strength or courage to be anything else. The only thing I ever do is sit down and shut up, which is why they'll take my side on pretty much anything. It's their way of showing pity, something which wouldn't be offered if I had the strength to be more than what I am!

I hate their pity! I hate the teachers, the students, and everyone! They're always offering their pity when I don't want or need any of it! Pity literally has never done anything for anyone! It's a way of pretending you care without actually having to do anything! It's a flag to wave to show you have some sort of moral high ground! It's shallow, pathetic, and I don't want anything to do with it!

I don't want or need anyone's pity! They can take that and shove it up their asses for all I care!

I just. . .want to be strong.

. . .

Wonder if she will be upset about this.

I shake my head to stop thinking about my old memories and go back to silently stewing in my own anger. I'm being led to Gendo's office by a bunch of men in black suits upon my request. Demanding to see Gendo was the first thing I did when exiting Unit-01, and I wasn't taking no for an answer. When I was carted back into the Geofront, I didn't speak to a single soul. I remained quiet, completely determined to speak with the bastard who runs the shithole known as Nerv. Asuka and Rei are nowhere to be seen, which doesn't surprise me a bit. Not after what happened.

The men in black suits lead me to a large, wooden, double door. They give me a few looks, then open the portal which leads into Gendo's office. The first thing I noticed about the area was how well lit it was. The place did not seem to have any lamps or ceiling lights shining in the area. The only source of light came from the large windows lining the wall at the far end of the room. The entire area seems to be made of metal, and there's a tree-like symbol carved into both the ceiling as well as the floor. The area smelled like copper and was also huge, much too big for it to be an office. Yet, despite the apparent vastness of the area, it was pretty much empty. There's a few file cabinets and trash cans littered around the corners of the room, but you could barely notice them. In front of the large office windows sits a well polished, wooden desk. Sitting behind the desk, showered in the light shining through the windows, is Gendo. To the man's right stands Fuyutsuki, seemingly always loyal to the bastard in charge.

The men in suits lead me deeper into the room. A scowl carves itself into my face as I look at how calm and uncaring Gendo seems to be. Always leaning forward in that classic pose of his. His elbows on the desk with clasp hands, fingers intertwined.

The men stop me from walking at a certain point, preventing me from getting any closer to Gendo for obvious reasons. Much to my surprise, Gendo waves off the men, telling them to wait outside the office. The men only hesitate for a moment before leaving room and closing the door, leaving me alone with Gendo and Fuyutsuki.

"You wanted to see me?" asks Gendo.

"You had me kill Toji," I respond with an edge to my voice, getting straight to the point. "You knew he was in there, and you had me kill him!"

"You're shifting the blame," the man states. "I did not force you to kill the pilot."

"Don't! Bullshit! Me!" I raise my voice. "You didn't once try to come up with a strategy to save Toji! When I tried to save him, you took control of my Eva, and had I not stopped it then-"

"Nothing would've changed. The pilot would still be dead."

I say nothing, but my fists tightens into a ball.

"I admit, I made no attempt to save the pilot inside Unit-03. But saving the pilot was not the top priority, stopping the Angel from destroying Nerv was." Gendo pauses for a moment, allowing his words to sink in. "It is unfortunate that the pilot was killed, but shifting the blame of his death to absolve you of your guilt will not change anything. The Dummy Plug was activated, but you somehow overridden its control. You had full control over Unit-01, so you must accept that you weren't forced to do anything. You're just as responsible for the pilot's death as I would have been had the Dummy Plug not failed."

I growl before inhaling deeply. "Why was he in Unit-03?"

"Toji Suzuhara showed potential in being a pilot."

"So you forced him to pilot?!"

"No," the man replies calmly. "We asked him to pilot, and he did so of his own volition."

"You're lying!" I glare a hole into the old man. "Toji never cared about piloting before! Why would he volunteer to do so now? The only way to explain his 'cooperation' is that you forced or manipulated him somehow!"

The man remains silent, waiting for any other outbursts I may provide. "Do you have any more questions, or do you intend to continue these childish outbursts?"

My body starts shaking.

How dare he! My friend is dead because of him! Gendo had me kill Toji and has the nerve to say that I'm acting childish?! What is wrong with him?! How can anyone be so cold?!

"Don't you even care?" I breathe out.

". . ."

"He died under your command. Don't pretend you had nothing to do with his death!" My breath becomes fire. I reach for the cross around my neck and grab it like it's my lifeline. "Yet here you are, sitting here, acting like nothing happened! How can you live with yourself?!"

". . .I live knowing I did what was best for humanity."

My lips twist into a snarl. "He didn't need to pilot!"

"In order for humanity to combat the Angels, Nerv needs to gather as many pilots as possible. . .even those fated to die in their first battle."

My scowl becomes more prominent. "So. . .that's it? Toji's just a tool to you? The guy who had a sister to look after, friends to be with. . .he was just a tool?"

A pause. "Yes."

The world goes silent. The silence pierces into the thin veil surrounding my heart, allowing the rage to fester. Allowing the rage to feed off of what little hope and happiness I have left.

"It's all your fault." I close my eyes and let go of my cross. Images of Toji's cold corpse rush through my head. It causes my breathing to increase. "If I had known he was in there, I could've saved him. But because of you, Sakura lost her brother."

Fire. So much fire, is rushing through my veins. "Because of you, Kensuke lost his long time friend."

I open my eyes and look Gendo in the eyes. Whatever my expression was caused the Vice Commander standing next to the man to look worried.

"Because of you," every muscle in my body winds up like a coiled spring. "I WAS FORCED TO KILL HIM! ! !"

I dash toward Gendo's desk, fully intending on hurting the man. Fuyutsuki, with surprising speed for someone his age, manages to run behind me and grab me. He then twists both my arms behind my back to prevent me from fighting.

"Michael! Calm down!" Fuyutsuki commands. My response was to throw my head back, smashing it against the old man's nose. This action causes Fuyutsuki to let go to grab his nose, freeing me.

I once again charge at Gendo, this time I'm even closer to the man. The guy doesn't even move a muscle, he stays where he is without a care in the world.

That really pisses me off!

Just as I'm about to jump over Gendo's desk to reach him, Fuyutsuki grabs me again, this time having a more secure grip on me. When he pulls me back, I use the momentum to swing my legs in the air and kick Gendo as hard as I can! The impact causes the man's face to jerk to the side and his glasses to fall off.

The Vice Commander throws me to the ground and keeps me there as security charges into the office, alerted by the noise.

"GET OFF ME! ! ! LET GO OF ME! ! !" I scream at the top of my lungs.

Fuyutsuki's finally able to take a break as security grabs me and start dragging me out of the office. Gendo, on the other hand, remains emotionless. Despite the large bruise on his left cheek, he continues to act like a machine.

Gendo gets out of his chair, walks over to where his glasses fell, then puts them back on his face. As I'm almost dragged out of the area, Gendo raises his hand, stopping the security from throwing me out.

The area is silent, and Gendo lets that silence ripen before cutting into it with his voice.

"And, what were you going to do exactly once you got your hands on me?"

I remain silent.

"Perhaps this was all you were planning to do," the man says as he points to his bruised cheek. "Perhaps you planned on doing something more sinister. Or, perhaps you did not entirely know what your intent was."

I glare at the man as he continues speaking. "That is your greatest flaw. You allow your emotions to overcome any form of rational thought. It's the reason why your sync ratio is steadily falling. It's the reason why you attacked me without regards to the consequences."

He walks closer to me, staring at me with those amber tinted lenses of his. "And it's the reason you killed Mr. Suzahara, despite how close you were to saving him." A pause. "Unstable is the word I'm looking for. It was evident how unstable you really were when witnessing your first encounter with Mr. Suzahara."

All the anger in me left the moment he mentioned that. I shouldn't be surprised he knows about that, everyone else does. Still. . .

"If it was not for the fact that you are a pilot, I would have eliminated you the moment you showed insubordination," the man continues. "Your habit of allowing your emotions to take control has endangered people's lives in the past, so know that you being a pilot does not absolve you of responsibility. If I were you, I would think long and hard about how your own actions can lead to consequences."

Gendo turns his back to me as he walks back to his desk. "We're done here."

As soon as he said those words, security began pulling me out of his office. I began resisting, anger once again returning to me. But in the end, all of my resistance proved to be futile.

I hate him. I hate him so damn much.

The cell those bastards threw me in seemed to barely be used. The bars aren't rusted and there's no moldy stains on the walls. If this cell was used in the past, it was kept meticulously clean. The place is dark, with only the light filtering through the cell bars keeping the place slightly lit. I was left here to "cool off" so I don't risk tearing someone apart. I spent a few moments angrily pacing around the cell before deciding to sit on the metal platform attached to one of the walls.

It's probably nine in the afternoon by now. It was pretty dark out after. . .after the last battle happened.

Sitting in the dark did manage to calm me down a bit. Guess dark places are soothing to me. I hang my head and stare at the ground, trying my best to not think about anything. So far, that attempt has failed.

I hate Gendo so much! He doesn't even care that Toji's dead! I shouldn't be surprised, I really shouldn't! But it's just so hard to believe how much of a bastard the guy really is! The worst part, he tried demonizing me! Despite it being entirely his fault that Toji's dead!

. . .

Yeah. . . he's responsible for Toji's death.

I was so close to saving him. I just needed a few more seconds and he'd be alive then-

Wait. . .Asuka was gonna tell me something before the battle. She was. . .going to tell me who the pilot was. But. . .that would mean-

. . .

She knew.

My fists tighten as realization sears itself into my brain.

That's why she was acting weird! She knew Toji was in there! She knew and she didn't tell me! Also. . .Misato and Rei were acting weird as well. Does that mean they also knew?

. . .

Dammit!

I hear footsteps near my cell. I don't bother looking to see who it is. I keep my head down, glaring at the ground.

"Major Katsuragi has arrived," says an old man. I immediately recognize the voice belonging to Vice Commander Fuyutsuki. "She's speaking to the commander right now. But, she will be taking you home in a moment's notice."

I don't say anything. I only offer a man a glance, a scowl still carved into my face.

" *Sigh* I know all this must be. . .difficult for you," the old man continues speaking. "I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through."

". . ."

"This must sound hollow coming from someone like me, but I'm sorry for all of this." I can see him shaking his head. "No one, especially a child, should have to carry the burden of ending another's life."

"You're right," I finally speak, surprising the man. "It does sound hollow coming from you."

I completely turn my back to him. "Save you pity. Just get Misato in here."

There was a long pause before I hear the man walking away.

Moments later, the sound of footsteps return. When they stop, I hear my cell door open. I get to my feet, turn toward the exit, and see Misato standing with a man in a black suit. She looks remorseful and seems to want to say something. Whatever she wants to say is stuck in her throat at the sight of me.

The thing is, I don't care.

I walk past her without saying a word. Misato follows shortly.

Misato and I didn't say a word to each other while walking through the Geofront. We didn't say anything once we reached the surface. We didn't say anything when we got into her car, and stayed silent when she was on the road.

Throughout most of the car ride, I just sat in my seat and stared out the window. I wasn't looking at anything in particular, I just wanted to look at anything other than Misato. I'm completely disgusted with the woman. How could she justify keeping me in the dark about Toji? The woman would sneak glances, and every time she did, it further proved she knew who was gonna be in Unit-03.

Deciding I stayed quiet long enough, I stop looking out the window.

"How long did you know?" I ask.

There was a pause.

"Know what," the woman responds.

"Don't. Play. Fucking. Dumb." I snap my head to the woman and glare at her. She can't even look me in the eye.

She looks back to the road and lets out a long sigh. "I was informed he would be a pilot around a week ago."

I purse my lips tightly. My breathing increases as I attempt to calm myself. "So you've been sitting on this information for a week, and you didn't tell me. Why?"

"I. . .just didn't know how to tell you."

"Wrong answer!" I snap at her. "You really think that's a good enough reason?!"

"I'm serious! I genuinely didn't know how to tell you!" She defends herself. "Look. . .*Sigh* Ever since what happened with you in the twelfth Angel, I began worrying. Your sync ratio was steadily falling and you kept having this look in your eyes. Like, whatever you saw in there permanently scarred you." She breathes in deeply. "I became scared that. . .I don't know. That it was a sign of bad things to come."

Misato then looks at me. "But, lately, I noticed something different. Like, you seemed more sure of yourself. Less conflicted. Like you finally had things figured out." She shakes her head. "I thought. . .I just didn't want to ruin that. I didn't want you to have any more stress in your life."

"Really? Oh now that all makes it better," I reply in cold sarcasm. "You just thought not telling me my friend's life was in danger would be 'better for me'! That's the best you got?!"

"I'm sorry. I really am." The woman says, nearly tearing up.

I sneer as I glare a hole into her head. "Yeah, right. Bet you didn't tell me because you were actually worried about my sync scores! After all, what good is a pilot if their sync ratio is constantly falling?"

She tenses up and looks hurt I would even suggest such a thing. "No, that's not-"

I slam my hand against the car's door, silencing the woman.

"Shut. Up." I say in a growl. "Don't say another word. Do not speak. If I hear another one of your excuses I. . ."

I don't finish what I'm saying, instead I scowl while staring at my left hand. My teeth grind against each other as I attempt to get my breathing back under control.

Glancing at Misato, I see her giving me a look I've never seen before. She stares at me for what feels like forever before looking back to the road. The rest of the car ride remained silent.

When arriving at the apartment complex, Misato was the one who took the lead. I followed behind her, walking as if I were undead. When we reached the front door of the apartment and Misato opened the portal, I push past her so I can enter the place. I want to go to my room and stay there. I don't want to talk or see anyone. I just want to be alone.

Of course, I never get what I want.

"Michael?"

The voice wasn't coming from Misato. Glancing at my surroundings, I see Asuka peeking out of her room. The rage returns slightly, but I keep myself under control.

Deciding that my room is too close to the redhead, I walk into the living room, planning to hide on the apartment's balcony. Asuka being the girl she is, decides now is the best time to start showing "compassion".

When I get to the living room, the redhead runs in front of me, blocking my path to the balcony.

"Move." I wasn't asking.

"Michael. . .I-"

"Want to apologize?" I dryly ask. "Want to say how 'sorry' you feel for me?"

She pauses at the tone of my voice. She lowers her head. "I guess 'I'm sorry' isn't good enough, huh?"

"No shit," I glare her. "You knew?"

She nods.

"Then quit acting like you care!"

That snaps her out of her self pity. "What?"

"You heard me." My heart keeps knocking against my chest. "You knew Toji was in there! But you didn't tell me! How can you justify that?!"

"I. . .I didn't know how to tell you," the girl gives a pathetic response.

"You know, you're the second person to have said that." I look Asuka in the eyes. "That's a bullshit answer. I'll tell you why you didn't tell me. You didn't care that Toji was a pilot. Hell, you probably hoped that the guy would die in his first battle." I let out a cruel laugh. "Less competition, right?"

Her expression changes into a tense one. "What?"

"You heard me," I respond, not backing down. "Now fuck off, and leave me alone."

As I attempt to walk past the redhead, the girl puts her hand on my chest, stopping me. A second later, she pushes me, nearly knocking me off balance. After regaining my footing, I look at the redhead. Her expression is a mix between confusion and cold fury.

"How dare you," Asuka responds with an edge to her voice. You could hear the barely contained rage in her voice.

She breathes in deeply then shakes her head, her attempt at calming down. It doesn't work.

"Where the hell do you get off on telling me I wanted Toji to die?!" The girl screams. "Do you really think so little of me?!"

Still hot with anger, I yell right back. "Don't act so surprised! You were always this competitive bitch from day one! You've never cared about anyone but yourself! So don't now start pretending that you actually give a shit!"

I wanted a fight. I really wanted a fight!

Misato gets between me and the redhead, attempting to diffuse the situation.

"Stop it! Both of you!" Misato commands.

We both ignore Misato and continue yelling at one another.

"I know this may be hard to believe Fourth Child," the redhead starts. "But I didn't want Toji in that Eva, and I didn't want him to die!"

"Then you should've told me as soon as you knew about him," I yell. "If I knew he was in there, I could've saved him! But you didn't tell me!"

I point to Misato as well. "None of you told me, and now you all have the nerve to tell me that you care?!" I back away and shake my head. "No. Fuck you. FUCK ALL OF YOU! ! ! IT'S BECAUSE OF ALL OF YOU THAT TOJI'S DEAD! ! !"

"You're blaming us for that?!" Asuka responds, outraged. "We didn't tell you who was in Unit-03 because we didn't want you to worry! ! ! We weren't the ones who crushed Toji's entry plug like a FUCKING PSYCHO! ! !"

"Asuka! Stop!" Misato orders.

"MAYBE IF YOU ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION TO WHAT WAS GOING ON TOJI WOULD'VE LIVED! ! !" Asuka yells.

Everything goes quiet. Nobody says a word for what feels like forever. I stare wide eyed at Asuka, nearly unable to comprehend the words she just said. My jaw hangs and my body feels all rigid, as if I were slowly turning to stone. Meanwhile Asuka's scowling at me, catching her breath after having to yell. Then, as if a switch had been flipped, her expression changes from one of rage to concern.

"Michael, I-" The girl can't quite bring out her words. "I didn't mean-"

I start laughing, which surprises both the redhead Misato.

There was no joy in my laughter, it was just. . .empty. I keep shaking my head as if I was denying something. My lips mold into a smile, but it doesn't feel right.

None of this feels real. This can not be happening.

"Toji is dead. He's really dead," I say out loud. "He was one of the first few friends I made since coming to Japan. I still can't quite wrap my head around his reasoning for hanging around me. I didn't start off on the right foot with the guy, and even after we did become friends, I wasn't the best person to be around. Yet, the guy still hanged around."

I look to the ceiling, not entirely sure what I'm feeling at the moment. My hands are balled into fist, but there doesn't seem to be any strength in them.

"I made a promise, that I would be a better friend to him." I continue. "What an unbelievably stupid and corny thing to say. But, I felt I owed him that much."

"Too bad he'll never get the chance to know if I'll keep my promise," I then point my gaze at Asuka.

"If I knew he was piloting Unit-03, I could've saved him." How many times have I repeated that? Is that even true anymore? "He's dead because I didn't know he was in there. I was forced to kill my friend. And now, you have the nerve to pin his death entirely on me?"

I laugh.

Then everything became a blur.

My mind had left for about a minute before partially returning. That's when I realized that Asuka's on the ground, with my hands wrapped around her little neck.

I didn't stop squeezing.

The girl, seeing that I'm not playing around, grunts as she punches me a few times in the face. This loosens my grip, which allows the redhead to not only breathe, but to deliver a kick to my midsection in order for her to gain some distance. But I'm relentless.

What was once cold fury becomes red hot as I let out a scream while attempting to hurt Asuka. It doesn't even seem like I'm completely in control of my body. It's like I'm possessed, like my mind had left the driver's seat and my anger was now in control. I don't feel anything, even though I'm aware that my nose is bleeding. I can hear what's going on, but everything seems muffled.

I don't think I've ever been this angry in my life.

Someone grabs me, attempting to keep me from fighting Asuka.

"Michael! You need to stop!" says the person who grabbed me, obviously Misato.

I struggle against the woman's grip and manage to free myself by slamming my elbow against her face. Misato falls to the floor and my rage is now directed to her. I grab the nearest object available, a wooden chair, and prepare to bash the woman's skull with it!

As I raise the object above my head, something. . .clicks.

The look Misato's giving me is one of fear and disbelief. She's breathing heavily and her lip is slightly bleeding.

Lowering the chair, I turn to Asuka. She's slowly getting to her feet while holding her sore neck. She isn't bleeding, but has a bruise on her left cheek. She's has the same look as Misato.

Memories of my first fight with Toji flood my brain as I stare at Misato and Asuka. All those memories slowly morph into Toji's mutilated form being crushed Unit-01. . .being crushed by me.

I drop the chair as my body starts shaking. My breathing is out of control as I continue to observe the mess I made. I grab my chest to ease the pain around my heart. I'm not talking metaphorical pain, it literally hurts! It burns!

What have I done?

"No," my eyes widen as I stare at the floor. I start cradling my head as I keep repeating "no" a multitude of times. I'm shaking my head as my body starts burning up.

I spot Misato slowly getting to her feet. She approaches me cautiously. She says something to me, but I can't quite hear her. Everything seems muffled.

She reaches her hand to me, a comforting gesture. I nearly slap the appendage from the air as I ran past her and out of the apartment. I hear the woman call out for me, but I ignore her. I ignore her and everything around me as I run into the night.

I ran through the city, barely paying attention to where I was going. I just wanted to get as far away from people as possible. I just want to be left alone. So, I continue running until I can find a place of solitude. I eventually come across a lake near the outskirts of the city. Nearly out of breath, I come to a stop to one of the docking areas surrounding the lake to rest. I just stood on the wooden dock and stare at the still waters of the lake. Eventually taking a seat, I attempt to get lost in the lake's reflection. I don't want to think right now. I don't want to do anything.

About an hour passed and I don't know if I had calmed down or not. Sure, I wasn't shaking anymore, but my eyes refused to focus on anything. My throat feels like cotton and there's a searing warmth in my chest. I continue staring at the lake, realizing I'm now wrapped up in a blanket of fear and anger. The thing is, I don't know what to do with these emotions, so I just sit on this dock like a statue.

A painful thought appears in my head, causing me to wrap my arms around my body. I shutter out a breath and can feel the heat behind my eyes, a sign I'm about to cry. Despite this feeling, not a single tear stains my cheek.

"I. . .I can't take this anymore," I mutter to myself. "Everything hurts! My soul. . .is on fire! It hurts!"

Why does everything hurt?! Why does everything have to hurt?!

I tense up slightly when I hear footsteps coming from behind me. Pausing for a moment, I glance behind me. Standing a few feet behind me, is Rei. She's breathing heavily, as if she was running across the city.

The girl takes a moment to catch her breath, meanwhile, I close my eyes and turn my back to her.

I don't want to see her. I don't want to see anyone right now. I just want to be alone.

"Hart," starts the blue haired girl. I don't let her finish.

"Go away," I respond harshly. "I don't want you here!"

Silence hovers in the air, but only for a moment.

"I. . .I can not leave you," says a tentative Rei. "Not when you are in pain."

"And why is that?" A scowl burns itself into my face.

"Because I am your friend."

". . ."

I get to my feet and start speaking without looking at the girl. "Sometimes I wonder."

"Hart?" I can hear the shock in her voice.

I turn around then look her in the eye. "Tell me you didn't know."

She looks confused. "I. . .I don't-"

"Tell me you didn't know," I repeat myself. My voice becomes shaky as I force myself to speak. "Look me dead in the eye and tell me you didn't know Toji was in that Eva! A real friend wouldn't have kept something that major a secret. So look me in the damn eye and tell me you didn't know!"

She freezes and goes quiet for a minute. Eventually, she lowers her head in shame. "I'm. . .I'm sorry."

I bare my teeth.

"How could you," I growl. "How could you of all people not tell me?!"

"I did not know how," she responds. "I thought. . .it would be better for you to find out yourself."

"That's seriously your excuse?!" I snap at her, she flinches.

I was about to say more but stop myself when a thought popped into my head.

"Did he tell you not to tell me?" I say, now feeling hollow. "Did Gendo tell you not to tell me?"

She looks surprised. "Hart. . .I didn't-"

"Don't lie to me! Did he order you not to tell me?!"

She pauses, then finally responds in a shaky voice. "Commander Ikar. . .he. . . strongly suggested that I-"

The look on my face was enough to stop her response. I took a step back as if being punched.

"You're still listening to him?" I respond with an edge to my voice. "After everything I did for you. After opening myself up to you. After all that. . .you're still listening to that bastard."

The girl takes a step back at the word bastard.

Then, a scary thought popped into my head. Ever since my battle against the twelfth Angel, I began questioning my friendship with Rei. That if what we had was real. I began doubting myself, worrying that I was manipulating her.

But perhaps, it was the other way around.

I slowly walk to the girl, anger coming to a boiling point. "Did he order you to befriend me as well?! Is all of this some sick game he set up?!"

How could I be so stupid? Of course Gendo ordered something like that! The man has an interest in Unit-01, and I'm the only one who can pilot it. What better way to keep me under control than to give me someone who's willing to listen to my sob story?

I mean, what's more likely? That Rei, a character who has little to zero understanding of human emotion, suddenly decides to become friends with someone? Or, this same person known to be completely loyal to Gendo, being ordered to befriend someone?

"What? No! Ikari never gave such an order!" She defends. "Listen Hart, I wanted to tell you about Suzuhara, but I just could not." She looks down. "Every time I thought to tell you, I felt sick."

"That's no excuse!" I yell. "Toji had family, friends, people who cared about him! He didn't deserve to be in that thing! So don't give me that bullshit that you 'didn't know how to tell me'! Just admit you didn't tell me because you're still loyal to Gendo!"

I grab the cross around my neck.

"Admit that the only reason you're here right now is because you were ordered to be here!"

Everything hurts!

"Admit that you caring was all an act! Just stop lying! ! !"

Rei goes silent, then slowly walks toward me. She puts her hand on my left cheek and looks at me with her crimson eyes.

"Hart, I am your friend," she starts. "Please understand, I didn't want to hurt you."

I shake my head in disbelief and remove her hand, then back up.

"Stop it," I continue shaking my head then back up even further. "You just don't get it. I know you're still loyal to Gendo, so cut the act!"

"Hart-"

"You really are just a doll."

The entire area goes silent. When I take a good look at Rei, I immediately regretted what I said.

She has the most hurt expression I've ever seen. It was like I personally grabbed a knife and twisted it in her chest. That pain on her face was so genuine that it might as well be physical. I've never seen anyone express the amount of pain on their face ever in my life. It was almost scary.

The anger, all of it, just left my body. Any flicker which may remain is directed at no one else but myself.

After what felt like an eternity, Rei's face becomes blank. She turns her back to me then slowly walks away.

"Wait," I say weakly at first. I then start jogging after Rei. "Rei wait!"

She ignores me and continues walking. Dammit!

"Stop, please!" I reach out to grab her shoulder. "I wasn't think-"

As soon as I made contact with her shoulder my head jerked to the side as I felt a stinging on my left cheek. I'm still in shock as I touch my cheek, only to pull back from the stinging pain.

Rei just slapped me.

I look at her and can see her glaring a hole into me. Tears are rolling down her face as she maintains eye contact. I continue looking at her in shock.

The girl turns around then slowly walks off, eventually leaving me alone.

I just stand there as I grab the cross around my neck.

Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep letting this happen?

I fall to my knees, my heart once again becoming empty.

I didn't change one bit. After all my time in this world, fighting monsters, making friends, I still didn't change. I'm still a screw up. I'm still that kid mad at everyone and everything.

"There's. . .something wrong with me."

Author's Notes: Finally finished this chapter! Don't got much to say other than I loved the comments I got last chapter. Thomas Drovin correctly guessed the song and band from the last chapter, so congratulations on that. Also, I particularly enjoyed the comment Tom712 left, even though I was confused at first (P.S. curse you for getting me to remember an outdated meme). Again, I can't say enough how much I appreciate you all for actually liking this story. I really didn't think more than ten people would actually bother reading it. So, again, thank you all for reading.

Chapter 17 Hint: This band was formed in 2013, and their music usually uses astronomy as metaphors in their songs. The title of this chapter is in reference to the lyrics of this chapter's song.

See you all in the next chapter.