Hi, so here is another chapter and the last of the Season 2 arc! I really hope you enjoy reading this chapter as much as I have enjoyed writing it.
Now a couple of things abotu this chapter, the past stories in italics are Bridget's persepctive wondering how life would have been if Hank was in her life from a young age espeically the bridge seen. In reality the headcannon for that was always that she got off the bridge and called Jay after her mother's funeral and a scene explaining Bridget's headspace at that point was always going to be written.
Camille, Nadia, Mary and Bridget are in this limbo-call it what you want but that's what it is.
Disclaimer-Nothing is mine.
Please Read and Review.
Also I watched the finale last night! Can we all just say that Jason killed it! i mean really, really killed it! I am not spoiling it for anyone but he was fantastic and the arc for Hank and Jay this season has been honestly fantastic.
Ok, rant over, please enjoy.
And TRIGGER WARNINGS.
What Lies Buried
Chapter 17-Heartbreaker.
Bridget drifts and dreams and sees her life in many shapes and forms as she finally gets some kind of closure. Meanwhile Jay and Hank live day by day and Erin spirals towards her rock bottom. This is the last chapter of the Season 2 arc. Past stories are in italics.
December 2015
Nothing happened. Nothing changed. Nothing was different. Will tried to tell them both that that was a good thing. Bridget's body had been through hell and back and Bridget's body therefore had needed time to heal. But no matter how much time Will spent telling him that there was still something about coming off work and seeing his little sister still hooked up to machines and wires and her eyes still closed that made him want to puke up whatever he had managed to force down while he was at work.
Bridget had come through the brain surgery with what Sam Abrams had said was flying colours. He had been right and they had not had to take any of her hair and that had made Jay smile for a long time though there was nothing about this situation to smile about. But even though she had come through the surgery they had put her in an induced coma and Will was sure that the only person who could pull her out of the coma was herself and that was fine except…well…Bridget was not well known for doing things punctually. In fact she liked to spend her time doing whatever it was that made her feel good regardless of who was waiting on her.
But the time was grating on him and work was grating on him from bombs to Kevin being bumped down to patrol to Kim coming up to Erin who was…completely disintegrating.
There was no other word for it. When she came in she was half drunk or hungover or doing God only knows what and when she did come in she was late too boot. And her actions both in the interrogation room and out told Jay that she was on the top of a very downwards slope.
Had his sister not been fighting for her life Jay knew he would have tried to do something but his entire focus now was Bridget. There was no scenario where he didn't get his sister through this because to think otherwise was unthinkable.
And yet still the days went on and on.
Carefully he didn't speak to Hank about it. The two of them had created this little wall between them were Bridget carefully wasn't mentioned unless it was to discuss any kind of medical update. Jay knew that his boss went to see her but they never went together and he thought that perhaps the grief was too much for them to do it together. Perhaps it was even too much for them to talk about it. Jay hated it but he was too tired to do anything else. He came home from cases, cooked, ate and then tumbled into bed bottle of scotch nine times out of ten on the nightstand.
He had forgotten that Bridget's presence was everywhere. The shoes that were cluttered against the door, the almond milk in the fridge and the messy bed covers, the laundry that had never been washed and even the littlest of little things such as the eyeshadow palette she had ordered turning up on the Wednesday. He had taken it out of the delivery man's hand and slammed the door shut and then had cried like a kid over a damn eyeshadow palette and had called in sick the next day.
Adam had been the one to come and get him and Jay had been a half drunk, half sobbing mess but Adam had simply heaved him into the shower turned it on and had gone to make some eggs.
When Jay had come out he was aching, shaking and in need of food. Adam had turned on the TV and was loudly bitching about the football scores as Jay forced himself to eat and they had gone into work, Adam gripping his shoulder and nobody had mentioned that Jay's eyes were red not even the boss and certainly not Erin who had staggered in looking like hell and who had quit that very same day.
What had transpired between her and Hank, Jay didn't know what he did know was that he had been sat with Bridget when the door had opened and Hank with an expression Jay wouldn't name right there and then and had sat down on the chair opposite Bridget's bed. Jay had wanted to ask how Erin was but he honestly wasn't sure that he wanted to. There was only so much of a catastrophe that a person could deal with.
"I know this is your time" Hank said stiffly. Jay shrugged feeling his shoulders wince. He really did have to at least try and make it to the bed before he passed out when he was drunk. Waking up with your face in the kitchen floor was really a rookie move.
"There isn't a time you know. Were all in this wired shit show of a family together. She's all a part of it, you come whenever you want to come I don't mind"
His boss looked at him with some kind of strange expression and if Jay wasn't convinced his boss would kill him he would have hugged him.
"You think she can hear us?" Hank asked finally.
"If she could she'd be awake" Jay said grimly. "Watch"
He leaned forwards so that they were face to face his sleeping sister and him.
"Hey kid…the milk in the fridge…it's separating, if you don't wake up soon I will leave it until it becomes cottage cheese and you'll come home to find that our fridge has started it's own eco-centre. So if you want to stop me wake up"
Nothing.
Jay leaned back and sighed.
"Come on Bridget it's gonna be Christmas soon, you love Christmas. You spend way too much time decorating and wrapping and buying and this is the first one where Will is back in the country. Surely you want to be here for that?"
Still nothing.
He scrubbed a hand over his face. If that didn't work then he didn't know what would.
"Will says it's a good thing, that this is the right thing…that she has to heal before they can try and wake her up but for the life of me I don't understand it. I don't understand any of this."
"No" Hank said quietly. "No I don't understand any of this either"
18TH December 1998
She was drifting and she was dreaming. Somewhere where it didn't hurt. Where Greg Yates didn't exist.
She had remembered the pain, she had remembered being shoved in something and she had remembered loosely regaining consciousness. She had been looking up at Hank and he had been staring down at her and she had felt Jay rather than see him but then the darkness had pulled her down and Bridget followed because why would she care? Why would she care about anything other than going somewhere were her insides didn't feel like they were on fire, where her brain wasn't exploding and she still couldn't feel cold hands between her legs ripping off her underwear and those blue eyes smiling down at her as he did.
She had tried to remain awake when he had done that just simply because…because…and though it had taken all of her efforts to do so she had stayed awake. He had not raped her and the second the trunk had shut she had gone into darkness again at least until Hank had appeared.
But somewhere along the line she had drifted and she had dreamed and Bridget had suddenly gotten a reprieve from the darkness and she was now standing in a hospital hallway. Still in the blue dress and cardigan.
A hospital hallway.
If this was the afterlife then it sucked. Massively. Bridget wasn't what you would call a great believer but surely heaven had to have a bit more…pizzazz than this?
And then she saw someone at the end of the corridor looking into a room.
Hank.
What the—
"Hank?"
He didn't look at her, he was staring at the door of the room as if he was debating weather or not he could go insdie of it and as she ran to meet him her heeled boots clicking on the floor she stopped just short of him.
But it wasn't the same Hank she was sure. He looked younger yet he looked gaunt. She watched as the door opened and Will's boss who also looked much younger and was in scrubs came out her dark hair tied back into a loose plat.
"She's awake Hank, just…just break it to her as gently as you can. And I'll be right outside here when you do"
What the—
"Hank?"
"Does she suspect anything?" he asked and even his voice was raspy as if he'd not said anything for a long time.
"No. But…she is asking for Bridget"
Hank's face seemed to crumple and with a horror that was visceral she knew who was in that room and she knew what he was going to go in and tell her.
"Hank don't go in and tell her, I'm here, I'm alive, HANK I AM RIGHT HERE!"
She was screaming but he still went in anyway and Bridget went to move smash open the door and go in and demand that he didn't tell her…Camille that she was gone but before she could another voice spoke out.
"It won't open you know"
She whirled around and Sharon Goodwin behind her disappeared. Instead it was just her and Nadia in an empty blank hallway. Nadia was still dressed the same as when she had been in the car with Bridget and Bridget watching her realised she had never really wondered what had happened to Nadia and then with the same swooping feeling she realised that she knew. Because there was a reason why Nadia was here and she was here and it was not good.
"Nadia"
"I'd say in the flesh kid but then that's a lie. Erin had me cremated"
She was going to be sick.
"Your dead"
"Oh yeah. Raped and dead as well"
"Nadia…I am so, sorry, I just didn't…"
Nadia's look of intense bitterness faded somewhat and she shook her head smiling.
"Oh no honey no I don't blame you. You were half unconscious, I was unconscious he was too quick for either of us really and we didn't have a choice. He chose to kill me and he chose to keep you alive. We were both a fuck you to Hank Voight only difference is that you lived. But you should never feel guilty for that. You are the consummate survivor."
"You make it sound like a good thing"
"Of course it's a good thing"
"If I am alive then why I am here?"
"Well your sort of in this in-between place I guess. It's hard to tell I wasn't in her too long but you…you have this choice, you can live or you can die and I guess I'm just along for the ride"
"I don't understand what that means?"
"No. But I think she does"
Bridget turned to where Nadia was pointing and the second Bridget turned she knew Nadia was gone. But it didn't matter because she knew that Nadia would be back. There was so much left to say between the two of them and she knew it. But for now she turned around and felt something inside of her break a little.
There standing there her expression one of utter love was her Mom.
Mary Halstead (for the record).
"Mom"
She didn't need to say anything she really didn't. This was her Mom. This was her Mom. And she folded her into her arms and she pressed up against her as if she was still here and Bridget breathed in the familiar smell and was suddenly crying and not just crying but sobbing uncontrollably.
"I know honey I know"
"Mom"
"I know sweet girl I know, I know all of it. I didn't until I came…I didn't know but I know now and it's all going to be alright, I am here I am right here"
Comforting words, comforting arms, comforting smell.
"Momma"
"Oh Bridgey hush…hush sweet girl"
And finally Bridget did.
Her Mom pulled back cupping her face in her hands and she smiled. Her smile was still the same.
"Oh my girl let me look at you…still the same. Except the hair. But your still my girl. Whatever happens you are always my girl"
"Mom…"
"I know, I didn't back then but I know now and I want you to know that you and Jay and Will were the best things that I have ever done. I love you all and I regret nothing"
She nodded and rested her head on her Mom's shoulder. She was content to stay there dying be damned. She was so tired that had her Mom slid down the wall and wrapped Bridget in her arms she would have slept and never woken up ever again.
"Bridgey?"
"Mmm"
"Bridget"
She cracked one eye open as her Mom had done so many times when she had refused to get out of bed in January for shit such as double Math.
"Yeah?"
"What's the root cause?"
"Ma I'm pretty sure I'm dead so what does that matter—"
"BRIDGET ANNA"
"Ma"
"You will die only and when I tell you to die. As I told Jay in Afghanistan and as I told Will in Sudan. Not before"
"Yes Mom"
"Good"
"But Mom—"
"Bridget—there is something keeping you here, keeping you from making the straight forward choice of life or death. And believe me girl you will chose life. But when that happens you need to do it with a clean conscious and without any questions asked. I could have and I should have asked some questions from your father but I did not. So you have questions…so you get answers"
Bridget paused. There were indeed many questions that she could have asked. And so many questions that she wasn't sure if she wanted the answer too.
"Is it bad? To love you…to see you as my Mom and to love her."
To her credit her Mom got what she was trying to say as soon as she said it.
"You mean Camille?"
Bridget blinked.
"Oh you don't have to worry about that sweet girl. She and I have had a few conversations since I joined…well…we know each other well…and we understand. After all we both loved the same girl. And that girl was worthy time and time again of our love"
Bridget winced. She was not sure how much of that was true.
"Bridget. What do you want to know?"
"I…it's stupid really"
"What Is?"
"I just…I wonder…it's stupid Mom really..."
"What is stupid?"
"Well…I just…I wonder what it would have been like…I'd have met Hank when Jay and I joined Intelligence and that was the end of it. But…but what if Jay had not joined Intelligence and I had not been there…would the nightmare that was me ever be over?"
"Firstly, you re not a nightmare. You are Bridget Anna Halstead and yes once you might have been Bridget Camille Voight but you right now are Bridget Anna Halstead and you re not a nightmare or a mistake or a regret. But if that is what bothers you then you just have to look…because Hank Voight never stopped looking for you…and I think that you never stopped looking for him"
"I don't understand…"
"No. I guess that you don't but that's the beauty of what comes next. The tragedy of the situation is that you believe that you are the problem in all of this when in fact you are not"
"So what do you want to know?"
"If…Ma you know what I want to know"
"I know what you want you to know but here is what I want you to know, I need you to know right here and right now that you Bridget are the one thing that I cannot regret. You are my daughter and I love you and I will always love you and I you have been the best thing in my life. You and Jay and Will. My babies. I never want you to think that I regret anything. Weather I was alive when the truth came out or when I was dead. I need you to remember that I regret nothing. And that you have turned into an amazing woman from the amazing girl you were"
Her mother's hands cupped her face and she breathed in and out and she pressed up against her feeling the warmth sink into her skin and she wanted to stay here for the rest of her life but before she could and with one gentle kiss on her forehead Mary Halstead was gone and the hospital hallway was gone and Bridget was stood somewhere else that she knew instantly.
January 3rd 2008
"Oh come on! What the hell am I doing here?"
"You don't recognise this place"
it wasn't her Mother that spoke to her.
To whirled around her dark hair flying over her shoulder and then she looked at who was staring at her, hunger in her gaze.
She knew who this was.
This was her other mother.
This was Camille Voight.
It was only as she looked for her that she could see the similarities. The last time that she had seen Camille's face she had been the sister of the detective in the boss's living room and Bridget Voight had been this thing that had been there but had not been real.
She had just come off a run in with Edwin Sidwell…she had never considered that the two worlds could even come close to being together.
"What do you want?"
She had not intended it to come out the way that it had. But here it was.
Camille Voight was stood there watching her. Bridget thought that as much as she wanted to deny the fact there was an obvious reckoning that they were mother and daughter. She might forget this but between the dark hair and the eyes and the cheekbones it was clear between them.
"Nothing but to help you"
Bridget refrained from scoffing with incredibly difficulty. The fact of the matter was that she was did not know how to react around this woman and that made this a hundred times harder.
"Look…I…don't know…"
"Don't you recognise this place?"
She paused looking around, it was a highway with a bridge. The main highway with the main bridge and she paused taking it in.
"Yeah I…when my Mom died I ran to this place"
She didn't mean it to be the mean thing though she feared it came out as such.
"And then…"
"After Pat called me unlovable, I ran to this place and I sat here on this bridge and I was prepared to die. And the second I did I couldn't do it. I couldn't jump of this bridge because I…"
And then it came to her.
"Because of what Bridget?"
Somehow she thought that her mother knew the answer to that. Despite it all she thought that Camille Voight knew exactly what or who had talked her off that ledge. The person who had saved her. And the person who should have saved her and Bridget her hands in her pocket had paused staring at the smooth cold stone.
It had been Jay who had called her. He had rang her time and time again and he had spoken to her and had talked her down off the ledge. Off the bridge actually. She had been all prepared to jump into the cold water and be with her Mom again and her eleven year old brain had accepted that only her two big brothers had not left her alone to die in peace.
She had called Jay and he had come to get her and he had tucked her into his car with a look in his eye that years later she would recognise when she had gone into his room one night and found him shaking in terror on the floor. They never spoke about what she had been doing standing on a cold pavement near a bridge at night and they had never spoken about what had driven him to the face plant the wooden floor with his hands over his head and yet they had both known.
A week later Jay had gotten his acceptance letter to the academy and he had told Bridget she could live with him. She had hugged him at the time trying her hardest to not show how utterly relieved she was but she suspected that Jay had always understood.
"Because of what Bridget?"
She was still staring at the bridge.
"Because I had my family. I had Jay and I had Will and I didn't want to leave them alone and…and because I knew what my Mom would say if I had done it. I didn't even really believe in heaven at that point but I thought…well…she'd be pissed…"
"Yes" Camille Voight said pleasantly. "Yes I imagine she would be. I would have been."
"You weren't dead at that point"
"Doesn't change anything. But you wanted to know if you'd have found out the truth if Jay hadn't have come and grabbed you, if you'd have found it out earlier, if you could have solved everyone's suffering yes?"
"I know it's stupid"
"It's not stupid. But neither was it your place to solve that problem. But if you want you can see what happens if Jay doesn't come for you. If the secret had been blown apart earlier then by all means go ahead"
And then she was gone and Bridget was left to stare at the bridge and her eleven year old self sat on it shivering. She had not even took a coat with her. She had ran from the house and somewhere along the way her shoes had come off so when she had been sat on the bridge she had been in her black dress and cardigan and tights and her hair had been loose and wild with the wind and white with speckled snow. She had been crying and her hands had been numb.
In all honesty It was a miracle she had not fallen off the bridge in shock.
And then…
She had been so achingly tired and sad and all she wanted to do was to go and see her Mom again. Pat had made it pretty clear that now she was dead he didn't want her, that he had never wanted her and Jay and Will were alright on their own. Jay was talking about the police academy and she knew that Will would go straight back to the Sudan and hell she was sure that he already had the plane ticket and then what was left for her?
And without warning his words came back to her.
"Standing there…grieving my wife as if she was really your mother, as if you were ever a part of this family! Bridget you have never been a part of any family, you were just an unlovable little street rat dumped at the side of the road like trash. Do everyone a favour and disappear for good girl, to think that you have the brass neck to stand there and say you love Mary! ACTING LIKE YOU CAN LOVE HER MORE THAN I—"
At that point Jay had punched him and Bridget had made her escape.
And he was right wasn't he? She had been chucked on the side of the road like she was trash and Bridget was eleven not stupid and that must make her unlovable. She was the most unlovable creature to ever walk the earth and so perhaps she was doing everyone a favour?
What had he said—just disappear?
"Hey kid you ok?"
She nearly did fall off the bridge.
Bridget turned to see a man there watching her. He was dressed in jeans and a leather jacket and his face was full of concern and Bridget just couldn't look at him.
'I'm fine" she said finally but it was a lie and to be fair he knew it as well.
"If you were fine kid you wouldn't be sat on a bridge would you? Look why don't you come down from there and we can have a talk"
She turned to look at him in disbelief. Yeah like that wasn't the opening to every child abduction story you saw on True Crime.
That might have shown on her face because he smiled at her reaching for the badge that was on his hip.
Oh good. PD.
"It's okay kid, I'm Chicago PD. My name's Hank…you wanna tell me yours?"
She bit her lip. A part of her wanted to tell him to do one but the other part of her didn't. He was looking at her with such concern that she didn't want to stop it. Also there was a very good chance that he wasn't going to go away even if she wanted him to.
"Bridget" she said finally.
His face gave a wired spasm and she turned away unable to stop the sob that shuddered through her. It was just typical wasn't it? She was even upsetting complete and utter strangers.
She inched a little bit further and looked down.
"Oh hey now Bridget don't do that…look…can I come and sit next to you?"
She was still looking down at the water. It didn't look frozen but the snow was still falling hard. Still not looking at him she shrugged and Hank carefully swung both his legs over the bridge and sat next to her.
"You wanna talk? You don't have to but if you want to I can stay right here. But it's freezing so you might wanna come down"
She looked at him and then the words came tumbling out of her.
"My mom is dead. Breast cancer and we buried her today. And my Dad…he…he said some things…to me…"
"Well I'm sorry to hear that. But you know grief…it's a bitch of a thing Bridget—"
"It wasn't grief" she said interrupting him. It might be rude but she didn't care. "He…he meant every word of it trust me he's been dying to say it for years. He thinks that nobody loves me, that I am unlovable and you know something he's bang on right"
"No he's not. I don't think anyone's unlovable"
"Well good for you but he's right on this. I was adopted you see. And my Mom she chucked me on the side of the road like I was trash and my Dad said—"
"He sounds like a right piece of work this Dad of yours, is he all you got?"
She shook her head and unbidden her eyes filled with tears again.
"I got two brothers but…there older and they've got lives and…"
"And what would they say if they could see you sat here now?"
A wind hit them both and Bridget shuddered so violently she was sure she was gonna fall off the bridge anyway.
"They'd be mad" she said truthfully. "But it doesn't change anything does it? My Mom was the only person who loved me for me, and she's gone and my Dad says I don't deserve to grieve like I'm her real daughter because I'm so difficult to love. And I'm selfish because Jay and Will they have lives and I should just go and—"
She made to move her frozen hands off the bridge but she couldn't mainly because of two things, one her whole body was frozen and two he had grabbed her by the arm before she could.
"What do you think your Mom would say if she could see you right now?" he said and there was an undercurrent of something in his voice that she didn't understand at all.
"Cause I know what my wife would make of it if my son or…" and here he stumbled over the word as if it was difficult for him to say.
"—daughter was sat here thinking of jumping off a bridge without wearing a coat in January and she'd want to throttle them both"
"Your wife dead?"
There was something in his face when he looked at her and Bridget knew what the answer was going to be.
"Almost. Your Mom was breast cancer? My wife…ovarian and…and it's not a road I'm sure she can come back from"
"Sorry"
He shrugged but Bridget had watched Jay and Will deflect from their pain for most of the last three months and so she knew when someone else was doing it.
He was good at it as well.
"Besides" he said finally. "That fall aint gonna kill you"
Wait…what…
"Oh yeah" he said seeing the look on her face. "Yeah they teach it you in the academy. Jumpers in winter don't die right away. Your falling into cold water at a speed that you don't know and you'll hit it like your hitting concreate, so you'll probably break both your legs on impact. Then of course as the cold water hits you even if you did want to save yourself you couldn't. You ever see that scene in Titanic? The body's not made for a sudden rush of cold water. If you want a quick and painless exit Bridget you chose the wrong one"
She stared at him trying to figure out if he was lying but he grinned at her.
"Hand to God sweetheart. Now come on, you've got a whole life ahead of you and your Mom if she's everything you said she was would want you to live it, God knows if you were my daughter I'd want you to live life to the fullest. As for you Dad…fuck him. Live for you. And as for that unlovable bull. It's just that…bull. I've only been here for half an hour and I and I can already tell that your lovable"
"Really?"
Good Lord she was pathetic. But she needed him to say it. She didn't know why she needed him to say it. He was a complete stranger after all and yet for the eleven year old girl sat on the bridge he was closer to her than her own father had ever been.
Both of them.
He smiled at her.
"Really. Come on Bridget, let me get you back to my car and we can go for a hot chocolate before I take you home. Promise I wont try and make you do anything you don't want to."
Bridget eyed him for a second and then she wiped her eyes. It was the first time she had moved since she had climbed up here and it was only then that she realised just how cold it was.
"Okay"
He climbed off the bridge as easily as he had gotten on it and Bridget let him help her off the bridge as well.
It was only then that the cold had hit her and he had draped his jacket over her shoulders and led her back to the car and…
And then the vision was gone and Bridget, the seventeen year old was left watching an empty bridge and…
And it had not happened like that. She had climbed off the bridge herself and Jay had been the one to find her walking home shivering.
"What was the point of that?"
"Well—"
Oh good her—Camille was back.
"Well I think you know"
Bridget thought about it. Slowly.
"He found me." She said slowly. "He was always going to find me."
"Yeah. He was never not going to find you. I made him promise you see when I was dying. I made him promise not to go looking…I'd had visions of him searching until he was dead and that consumed me. And him. It defined him you know. And I just…I just wanted him to rest"
Bridget ran her hand over the stone of the bridge and found it immensely comforting to see that she could touch it. The little things. Oh how it was the little things in this big moment of revelation.
"You loved him enough to try and get him to live afterwards"
"Yes" Camille said coming to stand next to her. "I won't lie I wanted to kill him sometimes. I was so angry at him and I was so hurt and twice I called a lawyer to instigate divorce proceedings, hell I took cash out of the safe for a down payment and then…then I came back"
"Why?"
"Because I loved him. Because I do still love him and I loved the life we had together. And I never did blame him for it. Because at the end of the day I could never hate him as much as he hated himself for it. And it wasn't even his fault"
Bridget toyed with the edges of her cardigan.
"If he'd have found me that night I could have met you`"
"Yes, but it would have been messy. Let me tell you how it would have gone down. He'd have gotten you hot chocolate and then he would have taken you home and you know who would have answered the door. Then it would have been messy and painful because you were too young, you would have been dragged out of the only home you ever knew and I was dying and you'd have been miserable. And…and when you went missing I would tell myself that it was alright because you were in a good home with a good and loving Mom who would love you so much that you never had to worry about anything or anyone and I got my wish. Because you did have that Mom and yeah it sucks that it wasn't me but…but you were so loved Bridget. You are, so, so loved…and none of this was your fault or your Mom's…you had two families out there loving you so now you know…that at no point in your life were you ever unloved or unlovable"
For a moment she stared at the granite stone in front of her. It was hard to force into words just what she was thinking but when it came out it came out clumsy and broken…but it was her speaking and nobody else and it was only to Camille that she would ever say this to.
"I hated you for so long, I just…I hated you. I never even considered a biological Dad out there I just…I just put it all on you. I used to lie awake at night wondering just what kind of person would give me up like that and now…just seeing this and seeing you and seeing him…you didn't want any of this. And it's so unfair because I can see the life that I could have had with you and Hank and Justin and Erin and it would have been enough, It would have been more than enough and it's just so…so…fucking unfair."
She shook her head wiping her fingers under her eyes and then Camille caught her hand in her own and Bridget let her and they held hands for what felt like a long time until at last she felt like she could speak.
"That's because you were lied too. And when you believe the lie because you've been given nothing else but the lie then it's easy."
Bridget nodded. There was something else she wanted to say but she really couldn't phrase it.
Camille however understood.
"You can love me and you can love Mary you know" she said finally. "There isn't any law against loving us both. And Hank get's more than he lets on. He understands a lot more"
"I've been horrible to him"
Her…her Mom (that sounded strange) laughed. "Oh honey don't worry, he's tougher than he thinks, it's just…Erin's, Erin. She needed him and she respected him and she never really gave him small griefs, big ones yeah but a fully fledged normal teenage girl? Well. It's a new one for him. Doesn't mean anything. He knows you don't mean half of what you say. Truth be told you are so his kid it's laughable. God the two of you growing up together might have been the funniest thing ever. When you go back he'll be there and it doesn't matter how many times it goes wrong he's still gonna be there. This is life Bridget. If it was perfect then there wouldn't be much point now would there?"
"I never read your letter you know."
"Did you need to? Didn't you always know what was in it either way?"
Bridget nodded. But in truth now she was worrying about something else. It was the first time that anyone had ever said anything about going back.
Going back meant pain she knew, going back meant leaving everyone behind, her Moms (both of them), Nadia…
"Why Nadia and not me?" she asked turning to face Camille for the first time. Camille shrugged.
"I don't know. Why take you and not some other random baby? What I do know is that you survive. Another thing you get from your father Christ knows a radioactive bomb would struggle to take him out."
Bridget laughed. She couldn't help herself and it was the most normal she had ever felt in months.
"Do I have to go back?"
"Oh yeah baby girl you have to go back. You don't belong here"
"Yeah well…neither do you"
"Yes I do. You don't."
Bridget turned and before she could stop herself she had launched herself into Camille's arms. Her Mom's arms came around her just as tightly and she closed her eyes. The first hug and they were both…well…whatever or wherever this was.
"It's ok" her Mom said finally. "It's ok Bridget you can let it all go. I promise you, you can let it all go now."
"Thanks Mom…"
She pulled back and turned and there was Nadia who was grinning though it was almost sad.
"Take care Bridget. And keep an eye out on Erin, she's not as tough as she'd like to make out"
"Thanks for everything Nadia…and I am so…so sorry"
"I know. Go have some fun for me won't you?"
Bridget nodded. Mary was there too and she tried to keep their faces perfectly preserved but the light was fading fast and she was falling off the bridge, off the cliff and back into something that was not exactly pain free.
But there was one more thing she had to see first.
December 25th 2003
It didn't take much for her to wake up. Not today of all days. Bridget Voight knew what this day was and for twenty five days she had marked it carefully down each day on the big calendar. She had specially learnt how to count to twenty five for this and beyond!
It was Christmas.
The clock read 3.04. She knew that was the good 3. That was the three that meant that Santa had been.
Bridget watched as the thin light reached past her bedroom curtains and then she pushed herself up out of bed grabbed her teddy and all and crossed the landing to Justin's room. Her older brother was nearly six years older than her and fast asleep in his room.
She prodded him on the shoulder until eventually one eye opened.
"Ugh what?
"It's 3.04 Justin"
"Oh god so it is, you know your not supposed to be up at this time Bridget go back to sleep."
Go back to—? Had he run mad?
"But it's Christmas"
Justin cracked open another eye. "Huh. So it is. Well go back to sleep for another couple of hours will you. My body needs a full eight hours."
"Mine doesn't. And neither does Daddy's so there"
Justin sighed. "He's just come off a fifteen hour shift Bridget and Christmas and cops never really go well together so I don't think he's in what you would call the best mood to be prodded awake by a hyperactive child"
Bridget didn't understand half of that but she wasn't going to tell him that. She had some pride after all.
"Ugh"
She turned and stomped out of Justin's room and down the hallway to her parents room and she turned the door handle and slipped inside.
They were both asleep.
Was she the only one who remembered Christmas?
"Daddy" she poked.
Nothing.
Well there was only one thing for it.
"DADDY!"
Her Dad half leaped out of bed grabbing from the side his gun and he must have gone straight to bed when he came in because usually that was not there and his responding shout had her Mom crashing up out of bed too.
"BRIDGET WHAT THE HELL? I HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT SNEKAING UP ON PEOPLE"
"Hank relax"
"Relax? Camille she nearly gave me a heart attack!"
"But it's Christmas Daddy"
"Christ—oh it is three in the morning Bridget I got in an hour ago. We can wait"
Bridget opened her mouth but her Mom cut across her.
"We can wait Bridget"
She sighed.
"I hate waiting"
"Well I hate parole violations and drunks who forget that they have kids but we all don't get what we want do we"
"Hank she's five. She doesn't need to know about Bunny Fletcher"
"Are we getting a bunny called Fletcher?"
For a second both of her parents stared at her and then suddenly her Dad was laughing.
"A bunny called—oh I love you Bridge seriously come here"
Bridget didn't need to be told twice. She scrambled up into bed teddy bear and all and got into a position between her parents that was comfortable. Her Dad wrapped the covers back around her.
"Give it an hour and Justin will be in"
"No he wont Momma. Justin doesn't do Christmas anymore. He's says he's too old"
"Really?" Her Mom said sleepily. "Because Santa still got a list off him"
Bridget sighed. She was already feeling kind of sleepy again.
"We can do presents soon yes?"
"Yeah Bridge in three hours, Daddy needs to sleep…desperately."
It was only as she was falling asleep that she remembered.
"Are we getting a bunny then?"
Somewhere near her hair her Dad laughed.
"Hank if you've gotten them a pet I swear you will spend New Years at Al's."
"Relax it's fine. No Bridget we are not having a bunny. Consider it a punishment for screaming the house down. Seriously we don't need an alarm system with you in the house"
"Is that good?"
"Yeah kid it's good"
"Okay. Love you Daddy"
"Love you too Bridge"
(She was Bridget Voight, she was happy in this life and Bridget Halstead watching from the darkness unknown to everyone and anyone grinned a genuine grin and this time really did fall backwards into the light as cheesy and as corny as that sounded.
And yeah. It hurt like a bitch
Almost like being stabbed)
December 2015
He'd fallen asleep.
Somewhere down the line he had fallen asleep and the beeping and the choking had woken him up. Jay on the other side started upwards like a bomb had just gone off and a part of Hank however foolish it was hoped that Jay had nodded off first because he had something of a reputation to protect though with Jay he suspected that it was already in tatters anyway.
But still.
For a moment he wondered just what the hell had woke him up but then he turned to see Bridget on the bed and instead of being perfectly still and hooked up to machines she was thrashing and crawling at her skin and her heart rate was going mad.
Hank didn't know what this was but you didn't need to be a medical professional to know that it was not very good.
"Shit" Jay said scrambling upwards. "WILL!"
And then Will Halstead was there and he was pulling the tube out of Bridget's mouth and the heartrate had gone back to normal and…
"Come on kid"
He finally managed to make himself talk.
"What…what's happening?"
But Will wasn't looking at him and he didn't look…sad…in fact he looked triumphant.
"Come on Bridge, open your eyes for me"
Wait…what?
Could it be that…
Please, please please.
Come on kiddo open you eyes.
"Will Is she?"
That was Jay who sounded as disbelieving as Hank felt because surely they were not looking at…surely they couldn't let themselves hope for…
And then the nicest sound that he had ever heard filled the room.
It was a groan but it was clearly from Bridget.
She was alive.
She was alive.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Somewhere up there Hank was sure his wife was grinning too.
Jay let out a whoop and the Halstead brothers were embracing so fiercely it looked like they were going to fall over but Hank didn't care because he had to see those brown eyes look at him.
She was groggy but the slither of brown that he saw look at him widened and then with a human effort they opened.
"Hey Bridget" he said softly his hand finding the matted mess of brown hair.
She looked at him and he knew she was really looking at him and seeing him and it was the best thing in the world.
Until she opened her mouth and said the one thing that he had never held out hope for but had secretly always longed for her to say.
It took her a second to say it her mouth stretching several times as she tried to form words but when she did they were as clear as they could be.
"Hey Dad"
And there you go, I am aware that there are some issues with dates throughout this whole story but please just consider it a bit of artistic liscence from one chapter to the next.
And now we move on to Season 3 for the final seven chapters.
Next Chapter-The first of the Season 3 arc, in which Erin is spiralling, Jay is kidnapped, Bridget is not okay and Hank is just doing his best to keep his ragtag family (and his unit) together.