Kjon's Audio Diary Log
Aug 18, 2621
All to often it feels that no matter how hard I try... that no matter what I do... I can never hold onto what I love. I fought with everything I had... to restore Mom's honor... to defend the colonies... to prove our honor to our clan... to do what I could for the colonial marines... But Brick and Ph'rills... They took it all away. The marines are gone... My Hunter Siblings, Michelle, Rich, Taylor, William are all dead... Ph-rills, Beo'n, Trish, Rachelle, Ch'ris, Hadrick... have abandoned me... and the love of my life ,Jennifer... Weyland took her from me to.
I still loved them though... even though they didn't love me. But what was the point of living if I couldn't have that? What was the point of it all if I couldn't spend those moments that I had with them anymore? What more did I have to do to prove that I cared about them?! How much more did I need to do to show them that?! They were family! How much more did I need to do to show them that?! And how much more did I need to do before all of this suffering was over?! Until the marines ,if there were even any left, could finally receive the rest that they deserved? Until I could at least catch a moment to find some peace... peace that couldn't be taken from me?
They seriously thought I'd committed those dishonorable acts I was accused of? Sure I used the rage shards, but after everything I'd went through I just couldn't take it any more. All I wanted was to be left alone. But Weyland, that dishonorable fuck of a brother of mine ,Brick, and those stupid lemming colonists forced my hand. I didn't want to attack them. In fact I felt horrible for doing what I did. I'd made a promise to my God never to kill any of the Oomans, and that I would do everything I could to protect them.
That's another thing that really bothered me as I trudged through the muddy jungle soil as the sky began to pour with rain. The promise I'd made to my Heavenly Father and my Merciful Master, that I would never kill a single Ooman, and that I would do everything I could to protect them. Surely during the fight I had to have accidentally ended someone's life? It just wasn't realistic to assume that no one had died from that attack, nor that I hadn't caused the death of someone. I didn't mean to do it, I tried my best not to kill any of them. I just wanted to make a statement, scare them, but still... That thought bothered me most of all.
I would have tried praying, but I'd already done that many times before. My God and Savior had also abandoned me before I even attacked. I didn't know what I had done to anger Them, but I knew it was my fault. I'd spent over seven and a half years with the guilt of my pride, thinking painfully about the mistake that had caused Them to take away my Hunter Siblings eight years ago. That was my fault just like this was. I'd tried countless times to ask the Creator and My Savior what it was I'd done to deserve this punishment, but They didn't replied. Surely now that I had broken a promise I'd made to him, They wouldn't answer my cries. Why should they have? I disobeyed Them? I know it seems stupid, I'm blaming everyone else while also taking the responsibility for what happened myself... but that's just how I feel. And I know, if The Creator and the Savior were so merciful as I make Them out to be then why do They allow this to happen to me? Like I said I'd asked that question myself. I didn't curse Them for it though. As I've said before, I knew better than to do that. The only one I could blame for this dishonor was myself.
All of this was just so painful to think about. It hurt worse than all of the bullets I had imbedded in my skin, especially the one Spears had put in my face. I still don't know why he said I was dead when he knew I wasn't. But I didn't care what his reasons were.
None of it will matter too much longer anyway. I told myself as I looked down at the wristbracer strapped to my arm.
They say your life flashes before your eyes when you're about to die. That didn't happen, although I do remember thinking about my loved ones. All of them. Beo'n, Trish, William, Taylor, Rich, Michelle, Ch'ris, Rachelle, Hadrick, Mom, Jenny. Even after what she did, I still loved her. Pyode had made me the happiest person in the world while I was with her, and for that I'm still grateful for her. Again, I could understand why she did what she did. She was in a difficult position. How could she choose between me and her father?
Charles Bishop fucking Weyland! He's the one I blame! He's the one who lied to her! Oh, how I wish I could've killed him! I could've done so easily, even with his androids! The only reason why I didn't was because I cared about Jenny. Even though I hated him worse than I hated the shadows, I... I... I loved Jenny more. I know, stupid. But I'm a marine, we're like that sometimes.
None of it matters anymore. I reminded myself. I had the timer and the power level set, all I needed to do now was activate it. What more did I have to lose besides my life which was worthless now? I permanently lost the chance of restoring Mom's honor with our clan, I'd lost the love of my family and friends. They thought I was a dishonorable Abomination. I know some of them apologized... but... I... I was just in so much pain I couldn't think. At least this way all of that pain would go away. It would be quick and painless. Nothing left.
I'm sorry my Hunter Siblings, I'm sorry Mom. I'm sorry Master. I apologized to them.
Before I could activate the wristbracer, I felt something... It wasn't the "still small voice" I'd spoke about before, it was fainter, not even like a voice at all. I-I can't really describe it. I-it was just a-a feeling of some kind. It made me stop just short of activating the self-destruct sequence, it was like a physical being grabbing at my hand, or like my arm was paralyzed. Don't do this ,Kjon. That wasn't the strange feeling, that was me, although the feeling had a strong influence on my thinking. Don't do this ,Kjon. I thought again. I was unsure how to feel about the prompt I was receiving. I even tried to ignore it, but I couldn't. Was this a message... from... Them? I thought. Once I received that thought I knelt down and prayed for an answer. I didn't receive immediate confirmation, but the feeling didn't leave me. Perhaps that was the confirmation I needed. If so I would not end it all just yet, for Their sakes. That was a painful decision to make, but this was the Creator and the Redeemer speaking, and I would not dare go against Their requests. After that, an idea suddenly came to me.
I was able to bring my finger down on the last button. I quickly ripped the gauntlet off my arm before throwing it as far away as I could, and began to run. This is it no turning back now. I thought to myself after throwing away the last thing I had to end my suffering. Even if I couldn't kill myself, I could at least make it look as if I had, so that at least Weyland wouldn't come after me. I was able to out run the blast. I didn't stop to look back though. I just kept running, and stopped when I couldn't go any farther.
Over the next few weeks I wandered through the jungle fasting, praying, and treating my injuries. Normally I would eat or drink when I saw the opportunity to do so, since a lot of times ,when you do the work I do, you'd find yourself in situations that require you to go long distances, or do very exhausting tasks without water, food, or even sleep. But I believed the Merciful Master had sent me a message, and I could at least acknowledge that I'd received it, and that I was thinking of Him. I still felt horrible about breaking the promise I'd made to Him, and the thought that I had killed someone ,even though I didn't intentionally try to. Even if it was an accident, I still felt horrible. But I saw a chance to redeem myself. I had my faith... I had hope... So I would continue.
Eventually, I made my way into the northwest desert region. Unfortunately, I also found myself lost shortly afterwards. Now although I'm a Yautja ,and we enjoy the heat, just like Oomans, we can't go very long without water. That and given the fact I only ate or drank when I needed too because of my fast, and since the desert had no water holes or aquifers, I was screwed. I wandered for four days, fighting the heat and the threat of dying of thirst. Believe me surviving out in a desert with no water is a grueling task. I'll skip the details.
On my fourth day of wandering, I managed to find my way to the southwestern swamp territory. "Tha-Thank-yo-you God!" I remember uttering exhaustedly. I'd been bombarded by the heat for over four days, subsisting off of my own sweat and urine, so you could imagine how excited I was to see a whole region that was flooded.
As I began trudging forward I weakly fell to my knees. I'd gone too long. My gut was weak with thirst and hunger, my vision began to become blurred and dizzy, my head ached badly, I felt like I was about to throw up. I began dragging myself across the dune stretch. Despite my weakness I tried with every last bit of strength I had left to make it to the swamps, but it was too little. It was right in front of me, I could see it, I was determined to reach it. But I'd reached my limit. So close yet so so far away.
"G-G-God. pl-pleas. Hel-Help me." I remember uttering before my blurred vision collapsed into darkness.
I woke up some time later, I'm not sure how long after. It was night, yet I could see everything clearly as if it were day despite the fact their were no moons out. In fact, there was nothing in the sky, it was just an empty black void. I was still in the dunes, but the swamp lands were gone. Even more strange, I didn't feel thirsty, hungry, not even a hint of weakness or pain was in my body. I also found that all of my wounds had mysteriously healed. Millions of other questions began racing through my head.
"Kjon." I heard a shrill distorted voice whispered behind my right ear ,which had also healed. I turned around sharply only to find nothing was behind me.
"Kjon." Came another voice from behind me. I could tell by the voice was different than that of the other voice I'd heard. Again, nothing was there.
"Kjon." This one was feminine. This time it came from my right.
"Kjon." To the right. Nothing on either side.
"W-Who's there?" I called out to the four strange voices, whose voices came as mere whispers that seemed to echo through out the landscape.
They returned again, this time growing faster, as they repeated my name over and over again. The voices didn't grow louder, but it felt like they were becoming more intense somehow. Painfully intense. The echoing voices continued to chant, the sources all coming from multiple directions. It felt like my ears were going to burst. My right one did ,again. After it did the voices finally stopped. I knelt on the ground clutching my ringing ear that was not running wet with blood. The painful ringing was beginning to fade.
"Kjon." One of the ominous voices spoke into my left ear. It didn't sound echoed, or distant, or distorted. It legitimately felt like someone was standing right beside me. Their breath was a chilling cold, behind the voices breath that made my skin crawl. Strangely though, the voices also sounded familiar. I turned to face the being standing next to me. Nothing.
"Who's there?!" I shrieked in pain as I clutched my ear.
"It's us ,Kjon." One of the voices said. I didn't bother to turn this time. Despite how familiar the voice sounded there was still something off about it that made it seem unrecognizable.
"Ah, Kjon. Como puedes olvidarte de nosotras ,amiga?" The feminine voice asked in a foreboding whisper. The realization quickly dawned on me after I heard her.
"Michelle?! Guys?!" I asked in shock. I suddenly felt something claw me between my right mandibles, cutting the flap of skin between them apart.
"That's right. It's us." Rich. His voice was calm, but haunting. I got back to my feet and began slowly backing away scanning the area around me with wide eyes.
"Wh-Wha-? How-? Where-?" I asked nervously in disbelief.
"Right here!" William. I turned around to see a fist clock me in the face, sending me to the ground. That actually hurt.
"Miss us ,Hunter Brother?" Taylor. I turned to where the voice had come. My eyes and mandibles went wide in horror. It was them ,my Hunter Siblings. Their bodies were mangled, their skin was pale grey and rotten, they looked like zombies. Michelle's head was still missing after it had been eaten away by the acid from the facehugger. I don't know how, but she was still able to talk without the need of a mouth, tongue, or vocals. Rich was still skinny and bald. The long raggedy beard on his face had fallen off his chin, but the look of tragic horror from seeing Michelle die was still etched on his misshapen face. His dead eyes stared at me intently, making the expression all the more terrifying to see. They didn't blink or look away, they just kept staring at me. Taylor, was on the ground, his legs still torn off. Folds of skin and decaying viscera dragging off of them. He was able to hold most of himself up with his arms which had decayed into skeletal appendages with small folds of skin stretching over them. His face had also become skeletal. He had no eyes but I could tell he could see me. William still had a hole in his torso from where the shadow had impaled him. I could see his spine dangle and little drops of dried gore drip from the wound with every movement he made. He also had a hole in his face, through his right eye ,where the xenomorph had bitten him. I could see the rotting brain matter inside of it. His remaining eye was cracked and stared upward. I could tell it wasn't looking at the sky, the distortion made it so terrifying because of that.
"Remember what you did to us ,Kjon?" Michelle whispered through her throat, I could see the inside of it move as she spoke. It made me want to puke.
"Do you ,Hunter Brother?" Rich spoke.
This can't be happening! Wait it isn't! It's all just a dream! It has to be! I thought shaking my head a little in fearful denial.
"Oh, All of this is very real!" Taylor screeched knowing what I was thinking somehow. He materialized beside me, I didn't even see him move; It was like he'd teleported. He swiped at my face with one of his skeletal hands. I felt his phalanges dig into my skin painfully.
H-how is this happening! I thought as I held my mandibles.
"This is all your fault ,Bro!" William said kicking me in the face.
"You were too prideful in your accomplishments." Rich said picking me up off my feet before throwing me towards a nearby rock. I hit the boulder face first. I couldn't have time to process the pain before Rich picked me up again and threw me towards Michelle, who grabbed me by the throat, and began to choke me.
"Do you know what we've been through?! HOW MUCH WE'VE SUFFERED BECAUSE OF YOU?!" Her head less body screamed at me. As I tried to retch her hands off of my neck, Michelle began to... ewh... vomit this viscus liquid before she threw me away. It began to burn my eyes and face, yet it did not actual damage to me. I tried to wipe the matter off of my face, but it burned my hands as I touched it. I began to throw up uncontrollably. Thankfully the effects did not last too long, only about thirty seconds or so. My Hunter Siblings did not give me time to recover though and beat me, throwing me into each other, punching, kicking, and clawing at me. Once my vision returned I was slammed to the ground by Richard.
"I-I-I didn't mean to hurt you guys! I-I'm so-!" I tried to apologized before Taylor appeared beside me. He crawled onto me, and we began to struggle.
"You left us there to die!" He screamed at me as his fingers dug into me shoulders and torso. He began biting at me. I managed to rip him off and throw him away.
"That's not true! I did everything I could to save you! I-!" I tried to tell them, but they would hear none of it.
"No you didn't! You are the reason we are like this now!" Michelle said as she picked me up by the arm and Judo threw me. I landed on a boulder on my stomach. I held my gut and did my best not to puke again as I got back up. I saw Rich and William coming after me. I blocked their strikes with my arms, but made no move to retaliate. I would never harm my Hunter Siblings. I just couldn't. They did not hesitate like I did though, continuing to scratch and claw at my arms, digging through my skin and into my muscle. During this, Taylor crawled behind me and grabbed at my throat and dreadlocks. He held me in place as Michelle, Rich, and Will pummeled me.
"OUR BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS ,HIJO DE PUTA!" Michelle screamed as she stomped on me mercilessly.
"HAD YOU NOT BEEN SO PRIDEFUL TO OUR GOD, NONE OF THIS WOULD'VE HAPPENED TO US!" Taylor said, strangling me.
"I-I-I-'m S-o-o-r-!" I struggled to speak as he choked me.
"YOUR SORRYS MEAN NOTHING TO US AFTER EVERYTHING YOU'VE DID!" Rich roared as he kicked at me.
"DOES THIS SEEM FUNNY TO YOU?! SEEING WHAT YOU DID TO US BACK AT CRIMER'S RIDGE!" William screamed in my face. His eye still staring upwards.
They all stopped beating me for a moment, but still gave me no room to breath, as Richard picked me up again by the throat and effortlessly lifted me off the ground. "AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO US! AFTER EVERYTHING WE DID FOR YOU! YOU LEFT US BEHIND! YOU FORGOT ABOUT US!" Rich said throwing me to the ground hard.
"I-I didn't leave you behind! I-I didn't forget-I-I. I didn't mean for this to happen! I-I would never do anything to hurt you guys! Never! I loved you guys!" I told them.
"LOVED!" William said before kicking me in the gut.
"I-I still love you guys. I-I'm sorry!" I sputtered.
"Nothing you say or do will correct what you've done! Nothing!" Richard hissed.
"It wasn't enough that you left us behind, but you also forgot about us as you went after that Weyland bitch! I'm glad she betrayed you, just like you betrayed us!" Michelle spoke.
"But that's not all!" Richard said pointing up at... at...
"Mom!" I gasped.
Her body was just as rotten and decayed as my Hunter Siblings were. She was missing her left arm, her leg was twisted, her head was bent, it looked like it was about to fall off.
"Do not call me that ,Abomination! I tried my best to care for you and protect you! Even though you were an Abomination I still loved you! I saw promise in you! I thought you could restore our our clan from my dishonor! I thought you could restore me! But you failed! You gave it all up to save ,Jennifer! And now I suffer, just as your poor Ooman siblings do! To think I had once loved you! You are not my son!" You couldn't imagine how painful that was to hear. How painful that was to see. But it was also true, I had done everything I could, but had given it all up. I didn't mean to do it though. I-I-I tried... But... But now... my own mother... she was suffering... because of me... Mom turned and walked away, before she quickly vanish into nothing.
I felt tears streak down my eyes after that. I began to cry. It all felt wrong, I hadn't meant to do this to them deliberately, but it was true. They'd suffered because of my failure. Because of all my shortcomings. I wasn't strong enough to help them. I wasn't... I-I couldn't be able to help them... I tried... but... I was too weak. Although I hadn't literally abandoned them I had given up a lot for Jennifer. I didn't want to forget, but she didn't want me to dwell on the failure that lead to my Hunter Siblings death, also like Mom said, I had given away her honor permanently in order to save Jenny's life. So in a sense ,yes, they were right. I had left them behind. My sorrow intensified as I began to accept the responsibility of my loved ones' suffering.
"Get comfortable ,Hunter Brother! This is only the beginning! We're going to enjoy watching you squirm like the pathetic worm you are!" Richard said his voice growing more distorted as he spoke. Suddenly the ground began to quake violently as structures began to rise up from the ground around us. My horror continued to intensify as I saw them form the Crimer's Ridge colony. My Hunter Siblings began to laugh maniacally.
I heard the sound of a glass door break, followed by a broken, gargled screech. I turned my head to see a shadow! It's head was smashed open, one of it's arms was torn off, the other was twisted backwards, it was missing the tip of it's tail! It was the very first shadow I'd killed! The creature attempted to scream, but it was broken and wet. I heard the wall of another building break behind me. The Praetorians! Three Predaliens followed behind them! More of the black creatures began bursting through the windows and walls of the buildings around me, all of them screeching at me! The fear I'd once had for these things when I was a suckling suddenly came rushing back as I saw them all. My Hunter Siblings continued laughing through the sea of broken, black, shrieking exoskeletons.
"God! Please! Help me!" I begged as I stood there on my hands and knees ,petrified.
"HE WON'T SAVE YOU FROM US!" My Hunter Siblings spoke simultaneously. Their voices were like a that of a shadow's hiss.
"Please, God! I need your help! Please, I beg you! Help me ,please!" I screamed. I couldn't hear my voice, over the endless hissing, shrieking, and snarling.
Suddenly a voice called out. "Kjon." The voice was soft, peaceful, calming, even amongst the ungodly landscape I found myself surrounded by and the creatures who were equally terrifying. "Kjon." It kept calling out. The voice was nothing more than a whisper ,yet somehow it managed to silence the hellish cacophony. I turned in the direction I heard the voice. There was a light shining through a dark hole that had broken through the black void in the sky. It wasn't very large, but I could see it.
"I'm here!" I desperately called out as I got up and ran towards it.
"YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!" My Hunter Siblings voices were unrecognizable now. I didn't even think they were my Hunter Siblings.
I suddenly felt my feet get caught in the sand, which had become a black sticky resin. I tried pulling my feet out, but I couldn't! I began sinking! I saw more shadows begin pouring out of the buildings, flowing over them! There were so many of them they were literally flooding over each other in this terrifying, black, tidal wave! I tried clawing my way out, but that also proved futile! I looked back at the hoard that began to cast a large shadow over the surrounding landscape ,cutting out any light their was as it approached!
I turned back toward the light, reaching out my hand in a desperate, but worthless effort to reach it! "Please!" I begged! before my arms and hands sank I to the resin. I stopped sinking just as my head was about to be sucked in. The resin around me began to harden until I couldn't move. "Please! Master!" Nothing happened though! The hopeful light that broke through the dark space shrank back until it was gone. I wept as I saw it leave.
"YOU'RE OURS NOW!" The hoard hissed behind me.
I didn't understand. Why had They forsaken me like this? Why had they saved me only to leave me at the mercy of the shadows?
I could felt the earth tremor as the swarm washed over the horizon. This was it. This it what it all had come to. Everything I'd worked so hard to accomplish... everything I'd done for the benefit of Them and Their people... all of it... it was... it was all for nothing.
No! I thought suddenly. None of it was for nothing! It may have looked like They'd left! But I refuse to believe that They have! This cannot be how it all ends! I may have messed up, and They may be punishing me! But I know They heard my prayer! Why would They come all this way, only to abandon me?! They may even still be looking?! I thought. I stared back at the hoard, still fearful, but I refused to show them my fear. Even though it seemed like I was, I knew I was not alone.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I broke my promise to you... But even though you have turned your back on me... I know you have not forgotten about me... I won't forget about you... I won't leave you... If this be your will let it be done..." I spoke softly, closing my eyes as I accepted my fate. "All I ask is that you may give me the strength to continue to endure... just as you always have." I added, right before I was clouded in complete darkness. The swarm screeched eagerly. I could feel them, even though they hadn't touched me yet I could still feel them all clawing at me. I'd lived through hell once before, so I had some idea of what this would feel like. I would endure till the end though. Just as I'd always tried to.
Just as they were about to fall on me, I felt an immense wave of air pushing forward in front of me. Despite the fact that my eyes were still closed I could see that there was light in front of me. The hoard reeled back, screeching as they did so.
"Get away from him!" A voice called out in a soft and quiet ,yet commanding tone, one that shook me to my core.
"NO!" The swarm screamed in pain as they heard Him. I was able to open my eyes wide enough to see a person. His silhouette was incased in a brilliant bright light. The light was blinding, but it did not hurt to look upon it.
The swarm continued reeling as the figure drew closer and closer, their screams becoming more intense as it did.
The figure walked past me, but I knew He knew I was there. As he stepped past me I felt the restriction in my body begin to give, and I was able to dug my way out. I watched in amazement as the luminous being continued walking closer towards the massive shadow swarm, which was now no more than a writhing black blob the size of my knee. The amorphous creature continued to shrink as he approached it, until is burst into flames and melted into ash.
I did not get the chance to marvel at what I'd seen as the figure turned around and looked at me. His movements were not sharp, sudden, or in anyway threatening. I still ended up reeling back clumsily as he approached.
"Be of good cheer: It is I; Be not afraid." He spoke.
"M-M-Master?" I stuttered. I'd known it was Him, although his presence still intimidated me.
"Kjon." He spoke. The light dimmed around him allowing me to see him.
It was Him. The Merciful Master, The Great Redeemer, The Messiah, and Son of God himself.
My eyes widened in astonishment as I beheld Him. He was smiling. He stretched out his hand for me to grab it. "C'mon, grab ahold." Did he literally just say C'mon? I thought as I obediently took his hand. Despite my taller size compared to Him, He still looked taller than me.
I quickly but gently bowed my knee to him, daring not to look at him disrespectfully. A gesture my kind would use to others of higher rank.
He heard him speak to me. "What?" I asked, not out of confusion, but because I couldn't hear him with my right ear.
He gently reached his hand over and touched the side of my head. "Is that better?" He asked. That time I could hear him. That's not all he did, but all of my wounds were healed.
"T-Thank-you." I replied nodding my head up and down.
"That's good. I said you don't need to be so modest ,Kjon. I'm not going to hurt you." His vocabulary was a little off to me. I expected he'd speak in something of a poetic, and somewhat confusing fashion like a sentence you'd read from the Bible, maybe even talk to me in another language like Hebrew or Latin or something like that, but apparently not. "Don't worry about it ,Kjon. My speech isn't important." The fact that he could tell what I was thinking though, that part didn't surprise me as much. "Come on. Stand up marine." I detected a hint of sarcasm with that comment. "It's good to see you again." He said as he hugged me graciously. I didn't remember ever seeing Him before though. Although none of us have a memory of what life was like before we were born so I understood what he meant.
"It's good to see you too ,Master." I said respectfully.
"You don't need to be afraid of me ,Kjon. I'm not going to do anything to you." He assured me ,still smiling.
"Sorry."
"The marines will do that to you. I understand. You don't need to apologize for it."
"Excuse me for asking, but why are you here?" I asked with a confused look on my face.
"What else have I come here for? You." That was a stupid question to ask, me not Him.
"Well... what is it you need me for?" I asked yet another dumb question.
He chuckled. "You've been calling for me, haven't you? Or is it some other Yautja who believes in me, who just so happens to be a United States Colonial Marine?" He asked.
"Right. Right." I said with a soft chuckle of my own, before dropping it into a dispirited frown. "I'm sorry."
"Kjon. You don't need to apologize so needlessly." He told me.
"That's not what I'm apologizing for?"
"I know that."
"So do I. I still feel terrible about it though." I said as tears began to streak down my face. I didn't cry, but I wasn't too far from it. I didn't deserve to see Him. I didn't deserve to be saved. I didn't deserve to be comforted. Not after what I did.
"Kjon-."
"I'm sorry. I broke my promise to you ,Master. I disobeyed you. I deserve to be punished." I said as sincerely and respectfully as I could.
"Kjon-."
"I killed those colonists. I didn't mean to do it, but... I-. I'm so so sorry." I didn't bother giving the excuse that they'd started it, and accepted the responsibility.
"Kjon!" He calmly exclaimed. "You did not kill anyone."
"W-What?" I asked confused.
"You didn't kill anybody at New Hadley's."
"Not intentionally." I told him.
"No, you didn't even kill them on accident. None of the death involved was caused by you."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you didn't kill any of the colonists. Not a single one of them."
I paused. "How could that have happened though?"
"Father and I may have had something to do with it. But that's besides the point. The point is that you are not a murderer like you think you are."
"I-I'm innocent."
"I did not say that. You still broke your promise." I dropped my head when he said that. "But, it's alright though."
"How can it be. I broke my vow. I wasn't strong enough." I told him regretfully.
"Kjon, They started it. It wasn't right, but it is not as bad as you think it is. You had the right to defend yourself, and those marines with you. You should not have taken it as far as you did, but you held your self control for the colonists. You messed up yes, but not as bad as you think. It is alright."
"No it isn't. I-I-I couldn't-" I sputtered.
"Kjon, you aren't perfect. No one is." I looked at him with a raised eyebrow when he said that. "Besides me, and Father ,yes. But that's not the point."
"Then what is? We're supposed to do our best to be like you aren't we?"
"No you're not. The point is for you to do what you can. To do what you can to overcome your weakness, and help others, so that you and everyone around you can be happy." I scoffed a little, but I do it out of disrespect.
"Listen to me. You are mortal. You are imperfect. You can't do everything right. You just aren't made that way."
"No offense to you Master, but what am I worth to you if that is the case. What good can I do for you if I keep making mistakes like this? How can you love something like me if I'm so-"
"Kjon. You will never understand how much I love you, and everything else the Father and I have created. You aren't just my creation, you are my family, just as everyone else is. I know this may seem confusing for you to understand, but I am not angry with you for what you did. The colonists attacked you and killed those colonists, and you fought, back but did not take any blood. I am not angry because of that.
"Y-you aren't?"
"Believe me. If Father and I were angry you'd know it." He said with a chuckle. I didn't know the Redeemer had a sense of humor.
"But you're still disappointed in me though, aren't you?"
"Was, yes. But you understood you did wrong. You've said you are sorry, and I know you are willing to make up for it, and you have."
"Then what was all of this for? I don't mean to be impatient with you, but..." I snapped a little in confusion.
"Kjon. It is not my intent to cause you or any one else pain. And believe me when I tell you that I did not do this to you ,not that I didn't know this would happen, but when I say that, that doesn't mean I wanted to allow this to happen to you either. None of this is even a punishment, believe it or not."
"Than what is it for?!" I felt like I was about to cry.
He paused. Not that he didn't have an answer for me, but rather because I think he wanted me to calm down a little. "Kjon. I have told you. You are mortal. Mortality is a probationary state. A test. All of it the Father and I have created for the Plan of Happiness. Now I understand you know that their cannot be happiness without something to take away from it, but things like this happen. Now I do not delight in this myself, but there are those who suffer greater afflictions than others. All of this is done, because they are stronger than others who are unable to suffer what they have. Like you. Even now there are others who are suffering worse than you now. All of you are imperfect, which does complicate things. But the Father and I know your strengths and weaknesses, and we don't give any of you a task harder than we know you are able to handle."
"Than why do we still ask you for help? Why is that part necessary?" I asked.
"Like I have said. You are imperfect, and there are times where things become bad to the point where it seems that all is lost and there is no hope left. Again, that's just how you are made. But the reason why you pray is not for any diminishing reasons. I listen to your prayers, and offer you hope and direction. People need that a lot of times. They just cannot exist without hope or correction. They need something to look up to. You are no different. Also, sometimes me and Father allow things to happen ,like what just happened to you. We allow it to happen to others to test and humble them. That also teaches them to become stronger in the future. Now a lot of times it is meant as a punishment, but a lot of other times it isn't. I know that may sound confusing, but it's just the way it is. I would love to do away with it. I would love to see everyone's pain and suffering end, and that I would bring them all to the light. We have the power to do so, but it is not so simple. What is happiness worth without the hardships everyone endures to take away from it? It would be meaningless. Even when I do allow this to happen to punish them, it's not because I don't love them. Quite the opposite in fact. I do it because I love them. Remember in boot camp when Hadrick punished you for the stupidest reasons, but in the end though, didn't you come out stronger, happier, and more experienced because of it?"
I paused to process that for a moment. "I'm sorry ,Master. I'm sorry." I sniffled, tapping my mandibles together in a soft growl.
"You've been through a lot ,Kjon. I understand completely how you feel. Believe me, it was so painful I sweat blood from every pore of my body. Not just for you but for everybody else too. I did that because I love you. Now even though you are imperfect and even though you will mess up time after time after time, over and over and over, again and again and again, I still love you. In fact I love that you are imperfect. Your imperfections are what make you so perfect to me and Father. And you do not understand how much it puts a smile on our face when we see you overcome those imperfections, when you overcome your tribulations. When we see how happy you are. That's what all of this is for ,Kjon. That's why I suffered in the Gethsemane and Golgatha like I did. So that even after you mess up, you can have another chance to repent of what you did so that you can be happy. So that everyone can be happy. We want you to be happy." He explained.
I thought about everything he said for a moment. "Everything that happens, You allow to for the Plan, so that we can all be happy. Everything that has happened, what is happening now, and what will happen... Whomever, whenever, and wherever it is you allow for it to happen to... Even though we don't see it, it benefits us. Even with the most evil and negative of things, good can come from them. It's like a cycle. All of it is for us. So that we can receive wisdom and experience, so that we can overcome our faults and weaknesses and find happiness." I said thoughtfully putting everything I'd just learned together.
"Precisely ,Kjon." He said. I'd known all of this, but I'd never thought about it all together. "It's a real game changer isn't it?" He said sarcastically.
"This-This is-all so much." I said managing to crease a smile, before dropping it. "But what good is it if there isn't someone else who loves you that you can share it with. When there is nobody else left." I said. I wasn't speaking about Him or Heavenly Father. "I'm sorry. I-I just miss everyone else so much." I sighed staring down at the ground with a disheartened frown.
"I understand." He told me. I went over to hug him again, and let my eyes continue to water.
"Thank-you ,Master." I told him gratefully trying to raise another smile for Him.
"It's alright ,Kjon. It's alright." He said in an assuring voice, as he let me cry over his shoulder. A moment of silence past us by before my Redeemer spoke. "He's been through a lot. He's just broken right now. May we please do something for him ,Father?" I heard him, but I was still to out of it to really care. "Come on ,Kjon." He said.
"What's happening?" I asked.
"We're going someplace. I would like for you to come with." He answered.
"Where are we going?" I asked curiously.
"There are some people who'd like to see you ,Kjon. Come." He replied vaguely with that bright smile still etched on his face. I obediently did as He requested.
(Part 2 coming next)