Thirty Four

It was raining the day she and Coulson arrived in Savannah, Georgia. The normally hot, humid air was now cooled down by a blanket of freshly fallen rain. Emily drew in a heavy sigh as she walked alongside Coulson to the church where the funeral was being held.

She'd chosen a long-sleeved black dress to wear that covered every scar, knowing full-well she wasn't in the mood to tell anyone where they came from. Coulson was dressed in his usual attire – a black suit, fitted pants and a tie. His expression was solemn, and Emily understood why.

He had been good friends with Doctor McCoy for years. When they found out that McCoy's father had passed away, it sent a shockwave ripple through them. Emily swallowed hard as she wondered if Doctor McCoy ever regretted trying to keep her and his son close. It hadn't taken her long to figure out that McCoy himself had eloped with Pamela.

After dating the other woman for nearly a year, he was finally convinced to marry her. What hurt the most was that Pamela would likely be there and at the center of attention. She'd always known that Pamela was better-suited for him. But it still hurt to know that he'd chosen someone else as his wife.

She tried pushing the uneasy thoughts aside when Coulson suddenly took hold of her hand. He knew this wasn't easy for her. Having to go back and face that part of the past was something she would have rather avoided. But she also knew better than to ignore the problem at hand.

"You know you don't have to go through this," he pointed out.

"Except I do," she retorted. Emily let out a sigh and looked at nothing in particular when she felt Coulson's gaze bore through her. "His father is the reason I'm still alive… I owe him that much. And like it or not, we do have a history together."

Coulson narrowed his eyes when she mentioned the less popular subject regarding her past with McCoy. He had been furious when he found out that McCoy was seeing Pamela. And that fury had only been fueled when McCoy married the woman. Not that Emily couldn't blame him for feeling that way.

That betrayal had hit him hard, and something told her it would take more than a few years for him to recover from it. She never wanted to mention how hard it hit her. She'd gone off sleeping with other men as a way of taking out some of her frustration while on missions. She'd never been bothered with the notion since she knew McCoy had basically cut off communication with her.

Nowadays she found herself wondering if he would ever regret pushing her away the way he had. She had a feeling that if he felt anything, it was anger and frustration towards the fact that she hadn't moved on like he was hoping. The more she thought about it, the more she wished she could have fixed this mess before it turned into what it was now.

He had been half of the problem though. She'd known something was wrong the moment he started ignoring her messages just weeks after she was released from the ICU. What bothered her the most was that he would likely blame her for being the reason their relationship fell apart. She couldn't shake off the feeling that he would somehow turn all of this around on her and make it seem as though she was the reason behind their fallout.

The worst part of it was when he sent her a message regarding the fact that he and Pamela were getting married. It had been nearly a year since they last spoke to one another before that message was sent. Emily didn't know what was worse. The fact that he acted as though nothing happened or the fact that he was so nonchalant about marrying Pamela after everything they had been through.

She swallowed hard as she tried pushing those memories to the back of her mind. Thinking about it sure as hell didn't help. Not when she thought of what they lost and what they could have been.

"I know," he let out a sigh of his own as he nodded in understanding. "I also know that McCoy hurt you in the past… if he crosses the line—"

"I'm well aware of what you will do, Papa," she rolled her eyes in exasperation. She'd heard this song and dance enough times to know what she was getting herself into. Coulson wouldn't hesitate to hunt McCoy down if he ever tried hurting her again. And she knew he was capable of doing so, even if he wasn't the one pulling the trigger. "Look, I've gotten over it. Love just isn't something I should expect from anyone these days."

She added the last part with a shrug, ignoring the incredulous look Coulson was giving her. With that being said, she led the way into the church where dozens of bystanders had already arrived. She wasn't surprised to see that the majority of the visitors were family. McCoy had a large family outside of his own, with cousins, aunts and uncles taking a majority of the bulk.

Emily tried to hide herself when she spotted Pamela sitting with McCoy in the front row. Her stomach twisted in a knot when she saw the silver band that adorned her finger, and worst still was the fact that they were holding hands. All at once, she tried imagining what it would have been like had she been in that position.

He never gave one shit about me after I was rescued! she snapped silently. Why should I care about him when the feelings were never mutual?

She suddenly found herself wondering if he'd ever loved her in the first place. All of it made sense in the back of her mind. Now she understood why he'd moved on so quickly. Or why he'd gone out of his way to ignore her after she'd woken up. It was all a ruse to protect himself at the time.

A sudden wave of nausea threatened to sweep over her the moment those thoughts crashed down on her. It wasn't until feeling a hand squeeze hers that Emily came to, realizing too late that she was causing the power to fluctuate.

"You said you could handle this," Coulson whispered to her.

"I'm sorry."

She added the last part in a whisper, barely giving Coulson time to register that she was leaving him behind. Her heart was already pounding in her chest as she sat outside the church on the steps. Emily knew in that moment that she'd almost lost control of her emotions. The guilt from earlier suddenly came rushing back when she thought of all the lives that were at risk.

Fortunately it didn't take long for the rest of the funeral to finish. She found herself staring across the pond where she used to spend most of her time when she was younger. Most of the family had already returned to the McCoy household once the funeral procession was over.

Emily let out a quiet sigh and wrapped her arms around her legs. She buried her face into them as she thought of all the time that was lost between herself and McCoy. So much had happened since then that she wasn't sure if they could ever make up for their loss. She felt guilty enough for being partly responsible for what happened, but McCoy didn't make the situation any better for pushing her away.

"You know, most of the family is pissed with Leo for choosing someone else over you." Emily stiffened at the sound of Jacob's voice. She barely registered his presence until feeling someone sit down beside her. Though she hadn't missed the fact that his eyes landed on what was left of her hair. It had finally begun growing back, but it took forever for it to get back to the length it was. "He's an idiot for doing that."

Emily swallowed hard and finally looked up. She didn't bother hiding the hurt sweeping across her face. Or the fact that she had been trying to fight back the tears that threatened to overwhelm her. Jacob had always been supportive of their relationship, often pushing McCoy over the edge by making him jealous of how close they were as friends.

Now that the tables were turned, she found herself wondering if what he said was true. It seemed as if whatever they had been in the past was long-forgotten. And not for the first time, guilt stabbed her in the chest at the thought of losing everything she ever worked for. She knew at that point she had no one to blame but herself for the mess that they were in.

"If that's your attempt at making me feel better, it isn't working," she mumbled halfheartedly.

She wasn't in the mood for small talk. After seeing the way McCoy seemed to swoon over Pamela, Jacob couldn't necessarily blame her for feeling that way. Still, that didn't stop him from trying to provide some comfort to her.

It was clear that she had suffered more than she was willing to let on. He suddenly wrapped his arm around her in a tight embrace, and she quickly found herself leaning heavily into his side. Though it wasn't exactly what she wanted, she knew it was human nature to provide comfort for those who were suffering.

She tried to fight back the tears that threatened to overwhelm her. She wasn't going to let him see just how vulnerable she was. She refused to let anyone see how broken she was. The only people who got to see the real her were Tony and Clint. Even then, she rarely allowed them to see how broken she was.

"It's not," Jacob admitted with a small smile. "If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that you know how to mask what you're feeling. You've been doing that around Leo since the two of you met, right?"

She rose an eyebrow in surprise when she realized what he was implying. Maybe he had been reading her better than she thought. She let out a sigh and looked back across the lake, suddenly aware of the rising tension between them. She loved McCoy. Deep down, those feelings had never faded. But she knew now that the feelings weren't mutual. It was better to keep her emotions buried than allow someone to take advantage of her again.

God forbid if I ever lose control over my powers, she thought bitterly.

"I have to keep them bottled up," she said warily. He didn't know about her powers or that they were based off of how strongly she felt. She had a feeling that the moment he found out, he would turn his back on her as well. She knew that was why McCoy had never agreed to marry her. As much as it pained her to know the bitter truth, she knew McCoy would never choose her because she wasn't human. Because she could never provide a normal life for him. "All I know is that love is for children. Natasha was right about that much."

Jacob just gave her a look of disbelief when she added the last part. She'd never mentioned the people she was associated with outside of her normal life. And maybe it was better that way. She couldn't shake off the feeling that everyone would turn their backs on her once they found out. She finally glanced in his direction once more to see that he'd left her sitting there. And all at once, she suddenly felt more alone than ever.

.

.

"Another shot of bourbon," she ordered when the bartender walked her way.

The bartender had gotten used to seeing her there. Though tonight was different seeing as she was alone. She still wore the dress from the funeral, having left the McCoy household for a drink or two. A dull ache had formed in the pit of her stomach when she left. She knew it wasn't fair to keep expecting everyone to understand why she acted the way she did.

She'd always been the black sheep, even in her old family. This world was no different. She tried pushing away the uneasy thoughts storming her mind when she heard the door swing open. Emily recognized the footsteps almost immediately, and she held back a sigh of frustration when the footsteps paused in their stride.

History had long-since taught her whenever he was near. She'd quickly learned over the last few months that he had been spending most of his free-time either at the hospital trying to find a cure for his father's illness or at the bar late at night.

She never bothered hiding the guilt stabbing her in the chest when she thought of how alone he must have felt at the time when Pamela came swooping in. Despite that mess, McCoy was the one who abandoned her when she needed him the most. She was lost and angry at the time she was released from the ICU. The more she thought about it, the angrier she was over what happened between them.

Doesn't make what he did any better, she told herself silently.

"I thought I might find you here." Emily all but rolled her eyes when McCoy took a seat next to her. The bartender gave them a look of surprise when he realized this was the first time in years they sat together at the bar. "Ma kept asking where you went off to after the funeral was over."

"At least she still gives a damn as to where I go," she muttered under her breath. Though that didn't stop her from feeling guilty. His mother hadn't been the reason behind their fallout, and she certainly didn't deserve being ignored the way she had during the social gathering. Hannah and Jacob were some of the few people who still cared about her… probably more than she deserved. "I'm surprised your wife allowed you to stop here, all things considered."

She didn't bother hiding the bitterness from her voice. Maybe it was the alcohol talking, though she knew she couldn't get drunk. But she hadn't missed the fact that McCoy visibly flinched at her comment. Or that the bartender had thrown a glass of bourbon McCoy's way once he took a seat. It was clear she wasn't the only frequent visitor to this establishment.

"Look, I was gonna tell you sooner or later, but after Pa's condition got worse, I never had the time," he tried defending himself.

"That's not the point, Leonard," she snapped without missing a beat. She recalled the message he sent her months prior to this mess. She knew in the back of her mind that he was logically better off with Pamela, as much as it hurt to admit it out loud. Though that didn't stop her from feeling the anger and frustration she felt towards him in that moment. "You chose to marry Pamela, even after we talked about wedding dates. Do you know how much it hurt to know that you moved on?"

Once she finished her third shot, the bartender finally passed on a bottle that she easily paid for. If the night was going as well as it was now, she had a feeling she would need the bottle for when she got back. McCoy's eyes narrowed when he realized what she was implying. They hadn't spoken to each other since she left the hospital, not even passing messages here and there. His mother was the one who'd kept her informed on his father's health, along with Coulson.

She knew a lot of it had been her fault for not reaching out to him more often. But even before that mess, she'd seen how reluctant he was to move forward. Now she understood why that was the case – he and Pamela had probably been seeing each other before his father fell ill. It explained why he hadn't ever responded to her messages when she was first released from the ICU. It also explained why he pushed her away that day when she stopped by the hospital. Resentment burned within her at that realization.

"Look, I get why you're angry," he let out a heavy sigh as he ran a hand through his hair, clearly feeling a little guilty for putting her in this position, "But Pamela was there for me when you weren't… she stopped by every day just to make sure I wasn't alone. Meanwhile you were off doing Lord knows what."

"You know what hurts the most? The fact that everything you said was just a fat-faced lie," she snapped through gritted teeth. She was well aware of the fact that the lights had begun flickering on and off. It took everything she had to regain control of her emotions. The last thing she wanted was to lose control here. "I used to believe that maybe, just maybe, I could actually have a future with someone who gave a damn about me. But it's obvious that was just a lie as well."

Emily wanted nothing more than to make a valid point. She didn't care at the time how hurtful her words were. At that point, she wanted him to know how she really felt. After everything she had been through, she wanted nothing more than to remind him that he was the reason their relationship had fallen apart.

"You really think it was any easier for me to move on? Cause it sure as hell wasn't," he snapped without missing a beat.

She just rolled her eyes at that and let out a bitter laugh. After the hell she went through, she doubted that he'd been through anything worse. If anything, he looked happier with Pamela than he ever had with her. And that hurt more than she would ever admit out loud, because there was a time when she felt as though what they had was real.

"If you're going to lie about how difficult your life has been since you moved on, you can at least come up with a better excuse," she retorted.

McCoy at least had the decency to flinch this time. She doubted he would ever understand what she went through during their time apart. While most of it had been self-served, there were times when she desperately wished he could have answered her calls when she tried reaching out to him. It was only by the end of the first month after waking up that she knew he wasn't going to answer. It was also in that time when she began spiraling faster than she thought possible.

"Alright, fine. It sure as hell was easier to move on with Pamela," he finally muttered crossly. Emily swallowed hard when he finally confirmed her worst fears. Her grip on the glass suddenly tightened as she found herself wondering if any of what they had was ever real. "She at least knows how to make me feel normal, and I don't have to worry about her life being in constant danger."

Even the bartender threw him an incredulous look as the wind was suddenly knocked out of her lungs. McCoy didn't realize until then just how close to home he really was with his response. The glass she was holding suddenly shattered in her hand. She barely felt the pain as her blood boiled with embarrassment and fury.

"Then it's good you're happy with her," she ground out in a voice void of emotion. It took everything she had to regain control of the thick wave of emotions threatening to overwhelm her. She knew if she didn't leave now, she would have lost control. "Because this is the last time you will ever see me."

Before he could respond, Emily paid off her tab and grabbed the bottle of bourbon she'd been drinking from without hesitation. She ignored the fact that her hand was now covered in cuts from the broken glass. The only thought occurring to her then and there was getting away before she lost control. Despite feeling blinded with anger and grief, she couldn't bring herself to take it out on anyone other then herself.

.

.

It took every ounce of willpower for her to return to the INN where she and Coulson were staying at. The same INN where she and McCoy had slept together for the first time. A knot formed in the pit of her stomach as she tossed the last of the bourbon into a container. She hadn't realized until returning how difficult it would be to face the past.

She had been hoping to burn off the emotions that were constantly spiraling out of control, but her confrontation with McCoy had only made it worse. She tried pushing the thought aside as she reached their room. Her hands were stained with blood after she tried wiping them off. The shards of glass still poking through skin would be treated later on, if not never.

Coulson peered out of the hall when he heard the sound of her footsteps. Emily resisted the urge to roll her eyes when she caught the look he was giving her. She knew he was likely looking for signs of self-inflicted injuries. She hid them well enough around him that he wouldn't notice, but he would notice the cuts caused by the broken glass from that evening.

"I'm surprised you're back so early," he remarked dryly.

He never did approve of the fact that she went out drinking whenever she needed to escape the world. It wasn't until she explained to him that she couldn't get drunk that he'd finally given her some much needed space. Emily was grateful for that notion – she didn't want him to be there when they were fighting. She knew he wouldn't hesitate to ream out McCoy for his behavior… even if it was well-deserved.

"I didn't feel like spending the night in bad company," she muttered crossly.

Coulson rose an eyebrow in surprise, "McCoy was there, wasn't he?" When she didn't answer, Coulson suddenly pulled her into a comforting embrace. She let out a shuddering breath as she finally broke down in that moment, burying her face into his shoulder as she tried to block her tears. "Hannah told me about the wedding they had… apparently it was Pamela's idea to elope."

Of course it was, she thought bitterly.

She wasn't surprised that Pamela had convinced McCoy to go with her and get married. The fact that Pamela had made it look so easy was what hurt the most. It left a burning sensation in the back of her chest, leaving another painful reminder that she wouldn't have an ounce of happiness in her life.

"He accused me of not being there when his father was getting worse," she admitted when they pulled apart and sat on the bed. Coulson's face morphed into a look of outrage when he realized what she was implying. "He's the one who ignored me while I was recovering at the ICU… When I was finally released from the ICU, I was going on missions again."

"You've been busier than ever with missions recently," Coulson nodded in agreement, though his voice was thick with anger towards McCoy.

That wasn't even half of the truth. Her mission with Raven had lasted for more than two months of ongoing investigations. Part of the problem with SHIELD was that spy-work had a tendency to last for more than a few days. Communication during those types of missions was easier said than done. Not to mention the last couple of times she tried reaching out to him prior to that mess, he'd all but ignored her.

"I know you're pissed off with him for acting this way, but please don't send anyone after him," she suddenly pleaded. Coulson's brows furrowed together when he caught the guilt in her voice. "This wasn't entirely his fault."

"That doesn't make what's happening any better, Em," he pointed out without missing a beat. "He of all people should have understood what you've been going through."

He didn't add the fact that this would likely leave a lingering effect on her. A shiver of unease swept through her at the thought. She knew in the back of her mind that everything that happened was for a reason. Maybe she wasn't meant to find someone who truly cared for her. Maybe she was meant to be alone for the rest of her life. Whatever the case, she needed to move on herself. The sooner she got her act together, the better off everyone would be.