WARNING: Mentions of suicide in this chapter, though it's only vaguely mentioned.

Thirty Five

McCoy paced around the main living area anxiously as his gut churned with guilt. Ever since his argument with Emily, he hadn't been able to sleep. A combination of guilt, regret and overwhelming anger suddenly crashed over him like a wave. He couldn't explain those unexpected feelings even if he wanted to.

Nearly two years apart and she still ate away at his conscience. He knew in the back of his mind that the guilt stemmed from what happened to her. Seeing her the way he had left another gut-wrenching reminder that he hadn't been able to protect her. It was with that notion that he tried sending her a message.

He hadn't realized until returning home that night how much he missed hearing her voice. Or how much he missed her in general. He swallowed back the guilt threatening to consume him. After what he had done to her, he wouldn't be surprised if she didn't want anything to do with him. Hell, most of her friends were trained to kill people. He was surprised he hadn't received death threats yet.

"Leo, have you been up all night?" McCoy grimaced at the sound of Pamela's voice.

When they first started dating it felt as though he was on cloud nine. Pamela had given him the chance at living a normal life, free from the agency and free from being forced into a life he would never be happy with. Her life was never in constant danger. She never put herself above everyone else. She never cared the way Emily had. A small part of him had always envied her for that ability… his father had pretty much grilled into him that caring for people came first and foremost.

"I've just got too much on my mind," he admitted guiltily.

Pamela frowned when she noticed the lines etched along his face. After two years of getting to know each other better, she'd quickly grown to learn facial readings.

"It's only been a day since the funeral," she let out a sigh as she reached him. McCoy swallowed hard when her eyes held his. "This isn't just about that, is it?"

"I made the mistake of confronting Emily," he muttered crossly. He looked down at the floor shamefully as he recalled how that argument escalated. Emily had been right to some extent. He never gave her a chance after that day in the facility. And that thought alone left his gut wrenching as he found himself wondering what she had been through during their time apart. "I know I should've just left her be, but after Ma talked about wanting to see her again, I couldn't…"

"You couldn't let go of the past," Pamela finished for him. He wasn't sure why he felt so damn guilty when she said that. Pamela had been there for him at a time when he had no one. After ignoring Emily for nearly a year his father's health had only gotten worse. Then to make matters worse when he finally reached out to her, she turned it right back at him. He hadn't realized until that moment how much of an ass he had been to her. But then Pamela showed up. The moment she came into his life was when he knew she had been the right one for him. Though it was never the same as it had been with Emily, she was just as worthy, if not more. "Leo, I know you. Despite how hard you try to hide it, you miss her. I've seen you looking through those old photos your mother gave us."

His jaw clenched as he sat down with her on the couch. Of course his mother had sent those old photos; they were nothing more than a painful reminder of what he'd lost. His mother had been furious when she found out he and Pamela were seeing each other. He knew she would be. She had always held a soft spot for Emily. A part of him knew that was because she'd grown up with him, but it was also something else.

"I don't even know why I hang onto those things," he let out a heavy sigh of his own. "All they ever do is remind me of everything we could've been."

Pamela merely held him close as he finally let out a shuddering breath. She had to have known somewhere deep down that those feelings for Emily had never gone away. As resentful as he was for what happened between them, McCoy couldn't bring himself to stop caring about her. She sure as hell deserved better than what he ever had to offer. He knew full-well her friends would never forgive him for treating her the way he had.

Pamela was ready to say something else when his com suddenly went off. It wasn't even eight in the morning, though McCoy already knew who'd responded. For a moment, he didn't know what to say when he realized that it was Emily.

'Meet me at the usual spot. I'll get some coffee.' — Coulson

It only took a split second for him to register that she was willing to meet up with him. He could've sworn she would turn him away just like she had before. Yet the moment she responded was when relief swept through him. Pamela gave him a knowing look as she guessed what needed to be done. His conscience would never be clear if he didn't have the chance to right his wrongs.

"Go and say hi to her for me," the redhead finally said. "I'll be leaving for work anyways."

McCoy didn't need to be told twice. He kissed her tenderly on the lips, knowing full-well she was better than what anyone thought. Once that was established, he quickly got changed and made his way to the coffee shop they used to frequent when they were younger. And all at once, his gut wrenched once more as he realized this was the place he and Emily used to meet up all the time for coffee.

It had been a long time since he thought of the countless dates they'd been on. Some of them were more memorable than others. His favorite had been the hiking trip they went on before he started med school. She had been so carefree at the time, not caring whether or not anyone was watching them. McCoy swallowed hard as thoughts of how he would handle this meeting followed.

Anything could happen within the short few minutes they saw each other. He didn't want to keep fighting. Hell, after everything she had been through that was probably the last thought on her mind. He tried pushing the growing unease away as he reached the shop in question.

It was bustling with activity as usual. This shop in particular happened to be a local favorite, and he knew the owners fairly well thanks to his father's line of work. The McCoy family was well-known throughout town, not just for helping people in need, but because their family name went down in generations.

"Leo, it's good to see you again," the barista and part-time owner flashed him a sympathetic smile when she finally spotted him walking through the main entrance. "I'm sorry about what happened to your father… David was a good man, regardless of what people say."

"Yeah, he was," McCoy nodded in agreement, though inside his stomach was twisting in a painful knot. No one would ever know that he was the reason his father was dead. After a year of struggling to find a cure for the disease that had taken its toll on him, McCoy couldn't bring himself to keep watching his father suffer. His father had practically begged him to take him off of life support. It was a kinder fate than having to keep suffering. Yet the pain of knowing he was the one to unplug said life support made it that much worse. "I'll tell Ma you said hi."

The barista gave a nod in response before glancing at one of the booths. McCoy's heart sank even further as he understood why. Sitting at one of the booths happened to be a woman he hadn't seen in two years. She had changed beyond the point of recognition. Her hair was far shorter than it had been before she was taken, but at least it was growing back. He hadn't missed the fact that none of her scars were visible. He knew she was likely hiding them from the public eye, and from prying eyes like his own.

McCoy swallowed hard when he noticed with a start that she'd chosen a seat next to an exit. Most likely for a quick escape if last night had been anything to go by. He tried pushing that uneasy feeling aside as he reached her, though not without being cautious about it.

"I was afraid you'd be a no-show," he decided to break the tense, awkward silence that followed when she glanced in his direction.

"I was tempted to ignore your message," she snapped without missing a beat. McCoy winced inwardly; he wasn't surprised by the lack of emotion in her voice. "Sleeping in is a rare commodity these days."

McCoy couldn't help but eye her up and down as he carefully took a seat across from her. It was the first time he had a really good look at her since that day she woke up at the facility. And all at once, his stomach twisted in a familiar knot when he noticed how much weight she lost. He didn't miss the dark rings around her eyes, or the fact that it looked as though she wasn't taking care of herself.

"Look, I know I don't deserve so much as an apology after the way I acted the other night, but I didn't want you to leave on a bad note," he finally deadpanned. He took a grateful sip of his coffee, suddenly relishing the way it burned all the way down his throat. She hadn't forgotten how he liked his coffee: Black and strong. "I know I crossed the line by acting the way I did last night…"

"Do you want to know what the worst part of waking up was?" she suddenly cut him off. McCoy's jaw clenched when something swept across those dark brown orbs. Her eyes, which had once been filled with warmth and affection, were now cold and emotionless. He suddenly felt guiltier than ever as realization dawned on him. "Waking up." A chill ran through him when he realized what she meant by that. "I almost wish your father hadn't treated me that day."

He didn't know what to say as horror cut through him like a knife. He'd known at the time that she had been through hell. Even before she was taken she had been through hell. But this… this was even worse. He couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye as the guilt threatened to consume him. It left him feeling nauseous, something of which he had been hoping to hold back.

"I'm sure you don't mean that," he tried reasoning. He didn't want to bring himself to believe that he was the reason behind that notion. Yet he recalled the way he reacted that day when she woke up. He'd left without another word and never looked back. He couldn't bring himself to imagine what that must have felt to her. "I know you've been through a lot lately, but—"

"Are you serious?" She let out a bitter laugh, the sound grating to his nerves. "That's an understatement if I've never heard one. Do you know how many people passing by me would give me looks of pity after I was released from the ICU? Or how many of them called me a monster because of the way I looked? Where were you when I needed someone to talk to or reach out to?"

Her questions were like a punch to the gut. For a moment, McCoy was at a loss for words when the spoon she had been holding suddenly bent forward. It was only until hearing those questions that McCoy realized what an idiot he had been. Not only had he ignored her for the time she had been released, but he also pushed her away that day she arrived at the hospital.

He could still remember how surprised he was when she showed up. More so when he caught the look his father had been giving them when he noticed the thick tension between them. He swallowed hard and looked down at the table, suddenly wishing a hole would open up and swallow him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. He was well aware of the fact that the barista and other patrons had been watching them. Most folks around the town had known they were seeing each other two years ago. After that, not one of them mentioned her or the fact that he and Pamela had begun dating. "I'm so sorry…"

It was all he could say. At that point he knew nothing he said would be able to fix the mess he'd made. It wasn't until feeling a pair of hands reach for his that McCoy finally forced himself to look up in surprise. His heart wrenched once again when he found himself looking into a pool of dark brown orbs. Though her gaze held no warmth or affection within it, he could feel it in her touch. They were still tender and to the point, leaving a painful reminder of what they once had.

"Leonard, I don't want to keep fighting," she finally said. The breath was knocked out of his lungs when she called him by his name for the first time in two years. She was the only one who ever called him his full name. Everyone else just called him Leo or Len. "That's not why I decided to go back here and agree to meet with you again."

McCoy finally tore his gaze away when he realized what she was implying. He'd known from what his mother said that she was the one who insisted on attending his father's funeral. Coulson would've never given a second thought after the way he treated her. Though he had been good friends with his father, he knew the older man well enough to know he was under hot water with him.

"You know you didn't have to do this," he admitted guiltily. "I'm sure you have better things to worry about."

As if to prove his point, a holoclip of Stark being found somewhere in the desert suddenly came to life above them. McCoy's brows furrowed together when he caught her glancing at her com seconds later after it went off. He knew how close she and Stark were. After hearing that he too had been kidnapped nearly a month ago, he realized they had that much in common.

"How's Pamela doing?" she suddenly cut through the awkward silence that followed.

His eyes widened in surprise when she put the com away. It was obvious she'd sent another message to whoever reached out to her, so the fact that she ignored the message in question sent a thrill of surprise through him. He let out a tired sigh and rubbed the temple of his forehead, wondering how the hell they had gotten to this point.

"She's doing well," he replied tersely. He knew she was trying to change the subject. And from the looks of things, he understood why. "She said hi by the way."

Emily rose an eyebrow at his response. She let out a heavy sigh as her com went off a second time. McCoy swallowed hard when he noticed just how drained she looked. Not just physically but emotionally as well. He wished he could provide what little comfort he had to offer. The only thing he knew was he couldn't cross that line again.

"I have to go," she finally announced after reading the message warily. "Rhodes seems to think it would be a good idea for me to be there when Tony gets back."

He wasn't surprised by that. He knew how close they were. Still, that didn't stop the guilt from threatening to overwhelm him when they stood up at the same time. The moment he saw her standing for the first time in two years when his gut wrenched once more. She really was skinnier than usual. Yet her muscles were far more apparent and defined, leaving away any traces of the young teenager he'd once known.

"You know you're welcome to stop by any time," he reassured her when they left wordlessly. "Pamela was asking about you earlier; I'm sure she wouldn't mind seeing you again."

She threw him a quick glance, and McCoy couldn't help but flinch as he guessed the reason behind her sudden tension. But the moment she offered a fake smile was when he knew he had his work cut out for him.

"I may just have to take up that offer," she replied without hesitation. He looked at her warily as she stood there in awkward silence, neither sure how to react around each other. On any other occasion he would've gone out of his way to hug her or kiss her. But he knew that was out of the question now. "Take care of yourself, Leonard."

She added the last part with a knowing look before heading off for the transport station. The moment she was far enough away was when McCoy let out an intake of breath. It wasn't until she was gone that he found himself wishing he could have said more. At that point, anything was better than the fact that he'd placed her in that position. He knew in that moment that she deserved more than what he had to offer, and that he would never let something like this happen again.

.

.

"So this is the thing that's been keeping you alive all this time?" Emily asked in surprise as the eyed the chest-piece Tony built for himself.

It held an eerie blue glow that seemed to draw her attention. It was a smaller version of his arch reactor, a project they had worked on together for some time. When Tony explained what happened in a short span of thirty minutes, she knew he was trying to hide information from her as well as the agency.

She was well aware of Coulson's presence at the news conference when he announced that he was dropping his company's lead on the weapon's industry. Then came his announcement over the fact that he was Iron Man. That all happened within the span of a week, along with his takeover of the company and Pepper's promotion to CEO.

That week had been a crazy cycle of emotions for Emily. Between meeting up with McCoy again for the first time in two years and this, she didn't know what was worse. She managed to maintain control of her emotions, but that didn't stop her from thinking back to how she reacted to her meeting with McCoy.

It hadn't gone the way she expected. She'd planned on ending any communication she had with him. After the way he acted the other night at the bar, she wanted nothing to do with him. But when he asked to meet up with him the following morning, she realized with a start that he was trying. She supposed that was why it had been so easy to give in.

Since then she'd gotten back in touch with his mother, who was ecstatic to hear from her again. Though she knew things between them would never be the same, it was better than nothing. At least, she wanted it to be that way. She knew deep down that her heart wanted more.

"You know, it only took about a week for me to figure out the schematics of this thing," he explained with a wry look. "And before that I had a random ass doctor I ran into years prior fix me up. I'll admit I probably jumped the gun a little too soon with the suit, but it fits like a glove and I took down Obadiah before he could ruin everything."

She allowed herself a rare, genuine smile. Happiness was an emotion she hadn't felt in a long time. After everything that happened in the last two years, she couldn't remember the last time she'd ever felt happy. She was happy for Tony that he was found and brought back home safely. She was happy for Clint and Laura when they'd given birth to their firstborn daughter. But she was never happy for herself.

A small part of her had died in that facility… she would never go back to the way she had been when she and McCoy were together. And she suspected that was part of the reason he'd pushed her away when he did.

"When Rhodes told me what happened I wasn't sure what to make of it," she admitted as they sat side-by-side on his work bench. She knew he was thinking of when she had been taken. That was part of the reason Rhodes wanted her to talk to him. They shared similar experiences in more ways than one, and this was no different. "I just wish there was more I could've done to help."

Tony suddenly took hold of her hand and gave it a light squeeze. He was still her brother through and through, that hadn't changed. When he found out about what happened between herself and McCoy, he had been furious. More so when he realized that McCoy had chosen to marry Pamela over her. At the end of the day, she knew he was likely better off with the redhead than someone who was emotionally unstable and unhinged.

"Em, just being here right now is more than enough," he reassured her. "I know what you've been through, and I wouldn't want you to relive those memories."

Emily glanced at him in surprise. He knew she had an eidetic memory. Again, that was another thing they had in common. It was difficult for her to move on and forget things like the warehouse or the Kelvin incident. She realized with a start that she clung on to those memories to keep herself moving. A small part of her knew that she had been right to say what she said at that coffee shop.

Even though their lives would never be the same after that, it was better than holding everything in. Talking never helped in the past, but she needed someone to vent off to. She felt guilty enough for taking her frustration out on McCoy after his father passed away. Worst still was the fact that she encouraged Coulson to go the funeral, mostly because she'd felt guilty for abandoning his family.

"Thank you, Tony," she let out a quiet sigh and looked down at the floor guiltily. She wasn't sure why she felt so damn guilty. McCoy was the reason she had become such a mess. Though technically, he was only a small fraction of what led to who she was now. "I'm just trying to process everything that's happened recently."

"I heard about McCoy's pop," Tony suddenly said. Emily flinched at the mention of McCoy's father. When she first found out about his untimely death, she knew it would hit McCoy hard. He had been close to his father, probably closer than most kids would be. She knew he had been bent on finding a cure for the disease that had taken its toll on his father, but eventually even that wasn't possible. "Pepper mentioned something about Coulson complaining about what happened. I'm guessing you talked to him after the funeral, right?"

A lump formed in the back of her throat when she felt his curious eyes bore through her. Of course she'd finally chosen to confront him. It hadn't been easy trying to go back to that part of her life. She'd avoided it for so long because she knew how people around town would react when they saw her. Since that day at the facility when she first woke up, her hair had finally begun growing. It was now past her ears, but not nearly the same length it had been prior to that mess.

Of course, people had been talking about her arrival since the funeral. She hadn't missed the way some of the patrons at the coffee shop gave her dirty looks. Or the fact that most of them recognized her through the news reports made by the Daily Bugle.

She was grateful she had the suit that Tony designed for her. There was no telling how people would react to the scars that marred her body.

"I told him how I really felt that day I was released from the ICU," she explained. Tony's eyes narrowed as he recalled how she reached out to him, explaining that McCoy hadn't answered her calls or sent her messages since then. "I don't think he's even registered the fact that if Papa or Clint hadn't been there, I wouldn't be here today."

Tony blinked a few times when she admitted that. Clint had seen her during her darkest times. Though they never met, she'd mentioned Clint's name on more than one occasion. Tony knew her well enough to know that she also saw Clint as a brother. Hell, she didn't think she was really out of that phase. Her wrists were covered in deep cuts and scars that were hidden by the suit he'd given her. She wasn't in any hurry to explain where they came from, only that they'd helped curve her emotions and ward off the nightmares.

"I've got about half a mind to kick his sorry ass for putting you in this position," he grumbled crossly. "No one deserves to be treated that way, especially my baby sister."

Once again, she offered a rare smile as she realized what he meant by that. She leaned into him heavily as she allowed his comforting warmth to wrap around her like a blanket. She knew it would take time for her to fully recover from that incident. Hell, she wasn't sure if she would ever recover from it. But the fact that she was surrounded by friends and people she considered family meant more than she would ever admit out loud.