AN: There's only one more chapter after this, which is why this is getting posted early. There will be multiple parts to this story, and I'm likely going to add them to the same story to avoid confusion. Special thanks to anyone who viewed, favorited or followed this story so far, especially those who had to wait as long as they did for me to get around posting it. And a big thanks to JupiterMoon617 for reviewing! Any review is appreciated.

Thirty Six (Twenty One Years Old)

When she was first asked what to expect out of joining the agency, Emily would have laughed and reassured the interviewee that she was fully prepared for what it had to offer. If she had known what her life would be like in the future because of that work, she would've slapped herself across the face for being an idiot.

Nothing in life was ever as simple as black and white. She quickly learned that while she was aboard the USS Kelvin. Time and time again proved to her that her life would never be simple. And a small part of her was okay with that notion.

The weeks had begun dragging along as she continued working on one mission after the other. Said work had become an outlet for her whenever she wasn't busy spending time with friends or family. She knew it was their way of ensuring she didn't spiral too far. Though she would never admit that they were dead-wrong to do so. The more she thought about it, the more she wanted to be alone. It gave people less time to judge her based on her appearance and what she had done. More importantly, it gave her the chance to think of the mess she'd made over the years.

Of course, none of this was relevant when she found herself walking alongside the family farm with Clint. The archer had been keeping a close eye on her ever since he'd nearly caught her drowning in sorrow. The day he found her collapsed in the bathroom floor was when he knew something needed to be done. He hadn't bothered questioning what happened or what led to her collapse. He'd simply taken her home with him that weekend, knowing full-well his wife would have a fit if she saw her in that condition.

It took days for him to get anything out of her after that. He'd been furious with McCoy for not responding to any of the messages that were sent or for not showing any concerns over her mental state. And within that time-frame, he'd threatened to kill the man if he ever stepped foot on his farm.

Emily was well aware that Clint would pull through on his threat too if he was given the opportunity. He wasn't afraid to stand up for the people he cared about. Whether she wanted to accept it or not, she was family to him. That would never change, regardless of what she did to herself.

"So… how's Stark doing?" he asked carefully as they walked side-by-side. Emily rolled her eyes at his question and gave him a quizzical look. "Come on Em, I'm not blind as to where you go whenever he's on the news. His face was practically on every station when he got back from Afghanistan."

Emily pursed her lips together at the thought of having to explain what happened. She knew Tony had left out a lot of information. It was mostly for his own protection and for his company's protection. Considering SHIELD had also been interested in what happened to him, she couldn't blame him for being so cautious.

"He wasn't exactly open to talking about what happened in that cave," she explained with a shrug. "And truthfully, I can't say that I blame him."

The archer merely smirked when he realized what she was implying. He knew not to cross that road unless the situation demanded it. As it was, he had a hard time struggling to keep a straight face on when he found she and McCoy had met up again. It was only thanks to Coulson that he found out in the first place, and of course, he had been pissed.

She knew he would be, given the circumstances behind their meet-up. But she did so knowing what it would do to the people who cared about her. She wanted to see him one last time before making the ultimate choice to cut him out entirely from her life, and a small part of her had no regrets in opening his eyes.

"Coulson told me you met up with McCoy for the first time in two years," he finally said what needed to be said.

There was no bite or accusation in his voice. Only concern over what this would do to her. She had always been quiet and reserved even before the warehouse incident. But after that and recovering from the ICU, she'd changed drastically. She was cold to those who didn't know her, and emotionless to those who did. Tony was really one of the few people who brought out her emotional side, along with Laura and their baby girl.

It wasn't until introducing her to Lila that Clint finally saw her opening up a little. Even then she closed herself off to the rest of the world. She rarely allowed anyone to see her emotions, and with good reason. She wasn't in any hurry to let someone take advantage of her. She didn't want to face the same emotions she faced when McCoy pushed her away.

"It didn't go quite as planned," she said quietly. Clint gave her a side-eyed glance when he caught the hint of grief hidden in her voice. Try as she might to hide it, she felt hollow inside from losing the one person who had been everything to her. Losing him was like losing a piece of herself, though she would never admit it out loud. "I was ready to cut off every tie with him, but when we finally faced each other…"

"You couldn't," he finished when she couldn't. Emily squeezed her eyes shut as she recalled how his mother had greeted her with her usual bear-hug. It felt strange to think that someone in his family still cared about her. But time and time again, Hannah had proven her wrong. The older woman had been more than grateful to see her again, despite the mess they were in. Clint let out a heavy sigh when he realized what this was doing to her. "Look, I know you're probably just walking backwards at this point trying to regain what was lost, but you're never gonna have what you once had. Even if you do decide to stay as friends."

She knew he was right. She knew McCoy would never look at her the same way he used to. That didn't stop her from wanting that experience again. The men she had slept with over the last two years were nothing compared to him. They'd all either been forceful or too quick, whereas McCoy had never forced himself on her.

"I know," she let out a sigh of frustration and looked at nothing in particular. "But this way at least we can stay in touch."

Clint gave her a skeptical look, but he didn't say anything. He knew at that point that she would continue doing things just to defy orders or ultimately hurt herself. So at the end of the day, it was better for her to try and work out the problems she faced on her own. As difficult as it was to watch her tear herself apart, he knew she would likely go against anything he suggested.

"So… do you think he'd be willing to stop by for a visit?" he suddenly asked. Emily rose an eyebrow in surprise, and Clint just offered a shrug. "I still wanna kill the guy, but Laura seems to think he's good. Plus Lila's birthday is happening next week. Figured you'd want to be there for her first birthday."

For a moment, Emily didn't know what to say as realization dawned on her. She hadn't realized until then that Lila would be a year old already. The little girl was growing up far too quickly for her liking, and she suspected Clint felt the same way.

His offer was what took her by surprise. She knew he wouldn't hesitate to throttle McCoy for what he did. But the fact that he was willing to overlook that for his wife meant more than she would ever admit out loud.

"I'll see what we can do," she finally replied with a shrug of her own.

.

.

She wasn't sure how McCoy would react when she told him about the party Clint was planning. At first he was reluctant to go anywhere near the archer after finding out he had a target painted on the back of his head. She knew this wouldn't be easy for him, especially since it meant going back to a place he hadn't been to for years. But after explaining why they were stopping by and who the party was for, McCoy reluctantly agreed to go.

He hadn't known at the time that Laura made her the Godmother of Lila. But when she explained why she needed to be there and how often a visitor she had been to the family farm, guilt stabbed at him once more. He realized with a start that she likely stayed at the farm soon after she was released from the ICU. Where he failed to reach out to her and provide much needed comfort, Clint and his family had been there for her. That only left him feeling guiltier than ever.

Emily glanced in his direction thoughtfully as she wondered what was going on in his mind. She could feel his thoughts brushing against hers every now and then, but the bond between them wasn't nearly as strong as it had been. She missed the days when they could be together without worrying about what everyone would think of them.

She knew he and Pamela were close… it made sense since the two of them had been together for over a year now. Yet it hurt to know that so much had been missed between them. There had been a time when she thought that they could start a family of their own. That their lives would be bound by marriage.

It wasn't until feeling him shift uneasily when she guessed he was thinking the same thing.

"Something on your mind?" he finally cut through the awkward silence that filled the car.

Why they'd chosen a train car was beyond her grasp of understanding. McCoy hadn't been happy with the idea of being stuck in a shuttle or using the transporters. She knew he had a strong distaste for getting his genes spliced, so she wasn't entirely surprised over his argument with what the safer method of transportation was. Though that didn't stop her from feeling unnerved as she felt every bump and every rattling sensation grind through her.

"I'm just trying to figure out how we're going to overstep Clint and Papa," she let out a quiet sigh. She didn't miss the way McCoy flinched at the mention of both Clint and Coulson. He was well aware of the death threats looming over his shoulders. When they first agreed to meet up again after his father's funeral, she knew what she was getting herself into. She would also keep going behind everyone's back if it meant keeping the peace. "Clint said he would try and keep a tight leash on, but that doesn't mean Papa won't hold back."

McCoy grimaced when he realized what she was implying. After everything she had been through and the way he'd left her, he fully understood what he was getting himself into. A lump formed in the back of her throat as she caught him looking at her with renewed guilt. It was going to take more than time for him to earn everyone's trust again… along with her own trust.

"Guess I have my work cut out for me," he let out a sigh of his own. He shifted so that their shoulders were nearly touching, and a familiar surge of electricity swept between them. Emily flinched from his sudden contact, and McCoy pulled away before the situation could get any worse. "Sorry, I just…"

"It's not your fault," she cut him off before he could finish. She suddenly found herself wishing she could explain that rush of electricity without making things even more awkward than they were. The last time she tried explaining her abilities, his reaction hadn't ended on a high note. "It's just… going to take time for me to get used to this again."

It wasn't until admitting that out loud that guilt stabbed him in the chest. He knew in the back of his mind that it took more than weeks for one to recover from what she went through. McCoy glanced at her warily when he noticed the haunted look sweeping across her gaze. Try as she might to hide it, it was clear she suffered from more than just the trauma of what had happened at the warehouse.

He tried pushing the uneasy feeling aside when they reached the town where the farm was located. A hover car was already waiting for them outside the station. Emily's shoulders sank with relief as she led the way into the hover car. It was an auto-craft with the coordinates already set. She caught McCoy eyeing the technology with amazement.

"Didn't even know these things were available to the public," he remarked as they made their way to the farm in question.

"They're not," she replied with a knowing smirk. "This vehicle was offered by the agency as a method of transportation. Only reason it's hear now is because the boss is close friends with Papa, and as much as he would hate to admit it, Clint."

For a moment, McCoy didn't know what to say as realization dawned on him. It didn't take long for the hover car to reach their destination. His eyes widened when they reached the farm in question. He'd never seen the family farm before, but Emily knew it was similar to his parent's place. The only difference was the windmill Clint had built on the edge of the farm. It acted more like a security grid than an actual windmill, though it also provided electricity to the farm as well. Horses grazed along the edge of the open pastures that were scattered across the landscape.

The biggest difference between McCoy's home and Clint's home was the fact that the archer's house was all hand-built. It took Clint years to finish the house. Every inch from the porch to the back was made of wood. He'd never bothered painting it, retaining that rustic look in the hopes that it would remain intact over the centuries.

"I spent a lot of time here after I was released," she said quietly.

She cast him another side-long glance as she caught him flinching once more. That wasn't the first time he'd flinched. She tried pushing the uneasy feeling aside as the hover car finally pulled to a stop. Neither of them said a word as they reached the farmhouse. She didn't have time to dwell on such thoughts. She couldn't afford to when there was so much at stake.

"Em!" Before either of them could make the first step, a pair of tiny arms suddenly wrapped around her leg. Emily couldn't hide the sheepish grin that followed when she knelt down and scooped Lila into her arms, earning a laugh from the little girl. "Em!"

"Is she trying to talk?" she asked when Laura peered from the kitchen.

"How could you tell?" the brunette snorted in amusement. "Can you guess what her first word was?" By now, Emily was struggling not to laugh when Lila snuggled further into her chest. She hadn't missed the fact that McCoy was watching her as realization finally struck him. "I swear, that child loves you almost as much as she loves using Clint as a pillow. It's good to see you again, Leo!"

Laura didn't give McCoy the chance to recover when she suddenly reached him, wrapping her arms around him in an awkward hug. McCoy returned the gesture, still feeling out of place when he realized how close they all were. He couldn't take his eyes off of Emily when he noticed how at home she was with the family. Or that she seemed to care so much about Lila for that matter.

"I'm glad I was finally able to make it," he remarked once he recovered from his initial surprise. "Sorry I couldn't get here sooner… life got in the way."

"I understand," Laura reassured him with a knowing smile. "Emily is usually in and out too. Work and all."

"Speaking of which, where's Clint?" Emily asked after rolling her eyes at Laura's quip.

"He's getting the barn ready for Lila's birthday. It's only a couple of days away, so we wanted everything to be perfect," Laura explained with a sheepish grin.

Emily's heart nearly skipped a beat when she realized that Lila's birthday was only a couple of days from now. She hadn't realized until then that it was her first birthday. She knew it had been coming up. Laura constantly sent her updates on Lila's progress whenever Clint was too busy or they were off on a mission, so she hadn't gotten the message about Lila's first birthday until the archer brought it up a week ago.

"You're gonna be a big girl in a couple of days!" she cooed.

Lila only laughed in response.

"You'll be staying for the party, right?" Laura suddenly asked after catching McCoy staring at the pair.

He quickly clamped his once open jaw shut as realization struck him. It was the first time in years he'd seen Emily laugh a real laugh. It was the first time he'd seen her glow the way she was now. And all at once, his heart wrenched with guilt as realization dawned on him. She was still the same woman he'd loved years ago.

Nothing about her had changed too much. He knew in that moment that he shouldn't have abandoned her the way he had. And he would forever live with that guilt. Because this could have been their future. Swallowing hard at the thought, McCoy gave a reluctant nod, knowing full-well he wasn't going to leave her behind again.

.

.

"Happy birthday Lila!"

Party poppers exploded all over the barn as everyone cheered the moment Lila destroyed the cake Laura baked for her. Emily couldn't hide the grin that followed as she leaned against a nearby wall and watched. Natasha stood not far away, arms crossed over her chest with the same expression. Both women hadn't left their posts since the party started, though Emily would sometimes talk to some of the guests who were invited.

The party itself consisted of mostly friends and family from Laura's side. Some of Clint's coworkers were also part of the group, consisting of Coulson, Maria and even Director Fury. He'd stopped by for a brief moment to speak with Natasha regarding a mission she would be sent on, with Emily following suit.

"I'm surprised Laura invited him, all things considered," Natasha remarked once they were left to their own device. Emily pursed her lips together when the redhead gave her a thoughtful look. They had gotten closer since they started working together. Though there was still tension between them, Emily suspected that was because Natasha happened to be a spy. "You mentioned he got married to someone you were once friends with."

"Yeah, he did," she replied guiltily. Emily chewed the bottom of her lip and stared at nothing in particular. She could feel McCoy watching them every now and then. His demeanor had changed the moment he saw the way she acted around Lila. She knew he was likely living with the guilt and regret of what happened between them. "Look, I'm trying to look past everything that's happened… Leonard and I both agreed that it's best to start over and remain friends."

Natasha didn't look surprised with her explanation. Instead, her brows furrowed together with concern. Emily nearly rolled her eyes when she noticed that Clint had appeared just as anxious over their newfound idea. She desperately tried to keep Coulson from reaching McCoy at any point they were in the same room during the party, mostly for his own protection.

Fortunately, Coulson was currently distracted with whatever Maria was telling him. Her shoulders sagged in relief at the thought. The last thing she wanted was for Coulson to either strangle McCoy or ream him out.

"From what I've gathered through your relationship, something tells me this will be easier said than done," Natasha said dryly. Emily rolled her eyes when the redhead gave McCoy a hard look. Not once had she said a word to him since they met. Not that Emily didn't blame her. She knew the redhead didn't trust many people, and understandably so. "Just keep that in mind the next time he does something that hurts you."

Emily grimaced when she caught the underlying threat in her tone. Natasha rarely conveyed emotions to those who didn't know her. She'd learned overtime to keep a mask around those who didn't know the real Black Widow, and it all made sense. The rumors hadn't done her any justice, and Emily understood fully what that was like. She let out a sigh when Natasha left her standing there, only for McCoy to reach her moments later.

"I have to get going," he warned her when they stood side-by-side. They were close enough that they could hear each other, but far enough away that people wouldn't begin jumping to conclusions. A knot formed in the pit of her stomach when she understood why. "I am glad I made it here."

She allowed herself a rare smile, knowing full-well that wasn't likely true. The only reason McCoy had agreed to tag along was because he'd felt obligated. Because she was friends with Laura and Clint, he had also become friends with them. Though it was clear Clint still saw him as a threat after everything that happened between them. Laura didn't need to know the full detail of what had happened, and truthfully, she didn't want the brunette to know.

"I know… Good luck with the conference."

She knew he wasn't going to attend. The conference had already ended just hours ago, but he'd used it as an excuse to be there. McCoy flinched when he realized too late what she was referring to. With a shake of his head, he finally slipped away unnoticed by the other guests. Emily let out a quiet sigh and crossed her arms once he was gone.

Time can't heal all wounds, a small voice reminded her.

She often found herself wondering if her life would have been any different had she not joined the agency. If she'd gone through classes in high school like a normal student instead of graduating early. The only reason she'd graduated early was because Nancy had pushed her away. The same thing was happening now that McCoy was married to Pamela. Her heart sank even further at the thought. Their lives would never be the same, and she knew that was mostly her own fault.

"Are you alright?" Emily glanced at Coulson warily when he reached her. His expression was filled with concern when he saw how haunted she looked. After everything that happened, he couldn't blame her for feeling that way. "Barton told me that McCoy was here."

"Laura invited him," she replied with a shrug. She swallowed hard when she caught him eyeing her as if she'd gone insane. She might have. She knew there were few people who would allow themselves to be treated the way she had over the years. "They've been good friends ever since they met… it isn't as if I couldn't say no."

"I know," Coulson let out a sigh of frustration. "I also know that I don't want to see you getting hurt again. He's caused enough damage as it is."

Emily grimaced once again when she heard the threat in his voice. Much like Natasha and Clint, he hadn't forgiven McCoy for everything he'd done. Again, she couldn't blame them for their lack of trust. She gave a resigned nod and looked at nothing in particular when Coulson leaned against the wall beside her.

"Even if we do decide to talk again, it will never be the same," she reassured him. "He knows that what he did was wrong."

And he'll have to live with that guilt for the rest of his life, she added silently.

She suddenly wondered if he'd regretted choosing Pamela over her the moment he stepped foot into the Barton household. Seeing the way Lila reacted around him told her that much was true. The little girl had shied away from him because she didn't know who he was, whereas she acted completely different around Emily.

She had a feeling that McCoy was feeling guilty for not being there more often. And the more she thought about it, the more she desperately wished she could turn back time and salvage their relationship. Because at the end of the day, she knew she wouldn't ever find anyone like him again.