Twelve

Emily let out a sigh of frustration as she wandered back to her apartment later that evening. Her thoughts were a whirlwind of emotions that kept threatening to spiral out of control. She knew if she kept dwelling on what recently happened, nothing good would come out of it. Between her talk with Steve and the fact that Director Fury had pretty much ordered her to lie to him, she didn't know what was worse.

The tight knot in her stomach hadn't left since she left the base. She couldn't shake off the guilt that threatened to overwhelm her… not just because of her conversation with Steve, but because she had been lying to McCoy for so long.

Whatever happened to 'there should be no secrets'? she found herself wondering silently.

She'd kept their mental link closed off for the time being. She felt even guiltier for knowing that she had to resort to such lengths just to keep him from double-guessing everything. The thought of having to tell him the truth behind her past only left her feeling that much worse. She knew he would never forgive her for taking all those lives.

More so when everything could have been avoided had they talked things through. He still blamed himself for what happened between them, but Emily knew she was just as responsible. Just thinking of that left her wishing she could take everything back. She hated knowing that there were still some things that McCoy would never know about her, such as what she went through during their time apart.

It was late by the time she got back to her apartment. By now the usual sea of Cadets had already returned to their dorms or off to whatever nightly outing they had planned. With classes finally on their last leg, everyone was letting off steam. Emily hadn't missed how the bars had become more crowded after the final exams were over.

Everyone was feeling the anxiety of not knowing what their final scores were like or if they would be continuing next semester. She already knew what her scores were like – she, Kirk and McCoy were at the top of their classes. So she wasn't too worried about that.

The biggest challenge she still faced was figuring out how to reach Admiral Marcus. They'd shared a few messages here and there, but it was never anything extensive. Usually it was Captain Pike who kept in touch with her, and more often than not, he would remind her that Marcus was a busy man who didn't like to be interrupted.

In many ways, Marcus reminded her of Alexander Pierce. Pierce was the top head of SHIELD, and a man she would never want to cross paths with. There was always something about him that put her in edge, though she couldn't explain why. When asked why she hadn't been able to submit a report directly to him, she would later explain that she trusted Fury's inquiry over Pierce's any day.

She paused in her stride when she spotted a familiar figure sitting on the front porch. Emily rose an eyebrow at the sight. McCoy was sitting on the front porch with a Data PADD in hand, looking more than bored with whatever research he was looking up. She knew in that moment that Kirk likely had their place occupied… again.

Then again, McCoy never really needed an excuse to slip away unnoticed. Before that morning, he had been spending more time at her apartment than at his own dorm, earning more than a few questions and teases from Kirk. Though after their talk earlier that day, she was surprised he showed up at all.

"Let me guess, Kirk has the place occupied again?" she finally cut through the silence permeating the air.

McCoy finally looked at her after realizing she was standing there with her arms crossed over her chest. She was no longer dressed in her Starfleet uniform. After spending most of the day at the SHIELD base, she'd quickly changed from that to her civilian clothing to avoid being questioned and finally back into a pair of workout clothes.

Sparring with Steve had been a fun way of taking out her frustration, even if it was for a short period of time. She wished there was an easier way to handle that situation. When the boss told her to steer him towards SHIELD, she should have been more honest with Steve. Much like she was trying with McCoy.

"Like I need to say," he scoffed after shutting off his PADD. Emily merely smirked in amusement as he stood up and eyed her thoughtfully. "I was gonna warn you through our bond but you've been blocking me."

The accusation in his voice was enough for her to cringe inwardly. She had been bracing herself for it. After all, they agreed to keep in touch with each other as often as they could through their telepathic bond. She let out a quiet sigh as she led the way inside, ignoring the incredulous look that followed when she didn't answer right away.

"I had a meeting with the boss," she explained after thinking of some form of excuse.

Though she hadn't meant it as a distraction, she knew it would sound that way. McCoy's eyes narrowed with annoyance when he realized what she meant by that.

"I thought we agreed to not keep secrets from each other from now on?" he retorted.

"That agreement only pertains outside the agency," she said quietly.

Though she knew that was a poor excuse, and McCoy knew it as well. He merely rolled his eyes in exasperation. She knew what was running through his mind. After everything they had recently been through, he thought she would have trusted him enough to be fully open to him. That was only partly true.

He hadn't earned her full trust in spite of the time they had spent together. She knew that would come back to bite her in the ass later down the road.

"I thought we'd gotten past the lack of trust," he let out a tired sigh after reaching the same conclusion she had.

Emily looked down at the floor and refused to make eye contact. Her heart twisted with guilt as she thought of everything they had talked about recently. McCoy had become much more open over the last few months since they started seeing each other again. Yet she still retained her share of secrets from him… something of which he hadn't missed. The more she thought about it, the guiltier she felt. He would likely never forgive her if he found out about that part of her past.

"I'm sorry," she finally whispered.

She couldn't bring herself to look at him even if she wanted to. The moment she turned and headed for the stairs was when she knew she was nothing more than a coward. Not just for running but for pushing away the fear that threatened to overwhelm her. She didn't want to face that part of her past.

Not just because of everything that happened between them, but because of that old fear of rejection that came rushing back. She knew she deserved it… hell, he deserved someone who hadn't turned into a cold-blooded murderer. Anyone was better than her. And that was why he'd chosen Pamela at the end of the day.

.

.

The moment she turned and disappeared up the stairs was when McCoy knew something was wrong. He'd known it long before their argument… after not being able to reach out to her like he normally could, it was then that he made an assumption. And after that reaction, the guilt from earlier suddenly came rushing back. After everything she had been through, arguing with her was the last thing she deserved.

He let out a sigh of frustration as he finally took the risk to follow her. The last thing he wanted in that moment was for her to be alone. He'd known about the PTSD – considering what she had been through, it was a wonder she didn't suffer from worse reactions. What he didn't know was the fear and the doubt trickling in the back of her thoughts. And after choosing Pamela over her, it suddenly made sense. That only left him feeling guiltier for putting her in that position.

It was only until reaching the bedroom that McCoy's heart sank lower than he thought possible. He couldn't help but stare for a few seconds after finding her laying on the bed, face buried into a pillow. It wasn't until realizing she hadn't made eye contact that McCoy knew he'd gone too far. But by then it was too late. There was only so much he could do to keep the peace between them. He shook his head at the thought, knowing full-well that leaving her now was the worst thing he could do.

"You wanna talk about it?" was the only question that came to mind as he finally reached her.

His stomach twisted in a knot after noticing the fact that she was crying. McCoy had only ever seen her like this once or twice throughout their time of knowing each other. He knew how much she hated revealing how vulnerable she was to anyone, let alone him. Yet the moment she finally lifted her head from the pillow and glared at him was when his gut wrenched once more.

"Not really," she finally answered. McCoy let out another heavy sigh as she finally looked at him. Years of holding everything back seemed to flash across those dark brown orbs. McCoy swallowed hard as he realized how much she was holding in. It was a wonder she trusted him at all after everything he had done to her. "I'm sorry for running earlier… I just… had a rough day."

McCoy rose an eyebrow at that. After finding out that she had been summoned by her boss, he had little doubt that her day had been easy. He sure as hell hadn't made things easier by confronting her the way he had earlier. Once it became clear it was safe, McCoy suddenly wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace.

She was holding everything in, making it impossible to read her emotions. Then again, McCoy knew how easily she masked them around anyone who tried getting to know her better. It was a defensive mechanism, and something he had also been working on since the divorce from hell.

"You know, if there's anything I've learned over these past few years, it's that talking about it helps," he reminded her when he felt her relax in his arms.

"I've heard too many people tell me the same thing," she rolled her eyes in exasperation. McCoy just rose an eyebrow as she finally looked at him. When their eyes met, he noticed with a start how much more relaxed she was. It was clear that she'd needed some time to herself. "When I finally try talking, they usually push me away or throw my words back at me."

"Yeah, and I'd be the first to say they're nothing more than assholes," he scoffed. He couldn't hide the sheepish grin that followed when she threw him an incredulous look. "All I'm saying is, you don't have to fully trust me to tell me anything. I'll always find some time to listen."

As much as it hurt to know that she didn't fully trust him, he understood why. When she didn't argue with him, McCoy let out another sigh and kissed her gratefully. He knew this wasn't easy for her.

She'd been through hell and back, yet she was still somehow willing to put up with him. He was only just beginning to realize the weight of her words. The first time she'd called him her Imzadi, it left a strange sensation tugging at his soul. And the more he thought about it, the more he began to grasp the concept of what she meant by that.

"How is it you seem to have endless patience?" she suddenly asked.

McCoy merely grinned in amusement as she leaned further into him. He relished the way she seemed to fit into his side with ease. She was warm and inviting… so unlike any other woman he'd met. Then again, he hadn't really had that many one-night stands. After their failed relationship and the divorce from hell, sleeping with women hadn't been on his top agenda.

"Years of practice," he replied after giving it some thought. It wasn't until she smiled that relief surged through him. The few times she'd actually displayed those kinds of emotions was whenever they were alone. McCoy had quickly begun to realize that she kept such emotions bottled up to protect herself from getting hurt. "I've got my work cut out for me, don't I?"

Emily glanced at him self-consciously, knowing full-well what he meant by that. Their earlier conversation still rang in the back of his head. Her lack of trust in him was something he had been trying to work on. But it took more than weeks of getting to know her better and making up for it to build said trust. He knew it would take more than that for her to fully trust him again.

"Well, you could start by not acting like an ass," she said dryly.

McCoy just rolled his eyes at that, though he wasn't surprised by her joke. He was barely given the chance to respond when she suddenly kissed him firmly on the lips. For a moment, everything in the world felt right. McCoy closed his eyes for a brief moment, letting her warmth wrap around him like a comforting blanket. As far as he was concerned, she was the only woman who had ever made him feel that way.

'I'm glad someone feels that way,' she said through their mental link.

It only took McCoy a split second to realize what she was doing. He couldn't hide the sheepish grin that followed when her hands wrapped around his neck. He held her close against his chest, relishing the way she seemed to fit into him so easily. He was already getting hard at the thought of claiming her as his.

'God I want you,' he admitted after feeling her shift against him. Her sudden movement was enough to cause the fabric of his boxers to brush against him, only adding to his earlier frustration. Emily just smirked in amusement as she shifted again, this time causing stars to explode at the edge of his vision. 'Fucking hell!'

"What was that?" she asked out loud in a voice filled with mocking innocence. McCoy grimaced when he realized what she was doing. Her teasing banter was enough to drive him wild, and it didn't help when her fingers pricked along his neck, causing the hair along his skin to stand on end from the odd sensations. "I don't think I quite heard that."

"Dammit woman, you're gonna be the death of me!" he finally barked when she shifted harder this time.

It wasn't until her hands traveled down from his neck further to his waist that McCoy found himself wishing he hadn't argued with her earlier. He knew in that moment she was going to keep toying with him until he lost control. Though it didn't take much for that to occur when it came to her. He wanted to lose control, especially in light of recent events. The moment her lips met his once more was when it felt as though he couldn't get enough. He wanted more. He desperately wanted to taste her, to feel her against him. More importantly, he wanted to be connected.

'Someone has gotten very excited,' she remarked through their mental link.

'You can hardly blame me,' McCoy scoffed in response, though that didn't stop him from smirking in amusement when her hands had finally reached under the fabric of his pants. 'You are making it impossible for me to think clearly.'

'That's the point, cowboy,' she retorted with equal amusement.

Before he could answer, she suddenly pushed him to the bed with the least amount of strength she had to offer. McCoy let out a grunt from the sudden impact, knowing full-well she was more than capable of hurting anyone else had they allowed it. He was suddenly grateful she'd never used that kind of force on him.

The moment she was on top was when he had an inkling of what she had planned for that evening. McCoy wasn't given the chance to regather his senses when she pried off his clothing, ignoring the incredulous look that followed when she eyed his cock hungrily. Even that was a turn-on, especially when she leaned forward and kissed his bare chest tenderly.

"Woman, you're killing me!" he growled out as she continued trailing kisses along his chest.

Her smirk never faded. She knew he was quickly losing the battle as she trailed lower and lower. By now his cock was sticking straight up, hard and ready for the desperate release it needed. It didn't help that her hands were massaging his balls gently, stimulating him further than he'd ever imagined when she finally reached his base. It took everything he had not to let out an embarrassing groan – he knew that was what she was waiting for. His mind went blank the moment she reached his shaft.

He tried to avoid hurting her by bucking against her – the last thing he wanted was to force anything on her. But the moment her mouth wrapped around his cock was when his senses went wild. The pleasure from earlier suddenly came rushing back as she continued massaging him thoroughly, pinpointing every stress point and creasing them until they faded. It was at that point when he finally let out an embarrassingly loud groan.

He knew he was getting close. The way her warm mouth wrapped around him and took him in fully caused his mind to spin with familiar sensations. His hands raked through her hair, gently feeling her scalp as they reached familiar scars. He was careful around them. Those scars were nothing more than a painful reminder that he hadn't been able to protect her. He would always have to live with that guilt and regret, no matter how many times he tried making up for it.

'Don't think about that,' she suddenly warned him through their mental link.

McCoy wasn't given the chance to respond when he suddenly came into her mouth. His heart was racing for a whole different reason as he let out an embarrassingly loud groan. He was hardly surprised when she took it all in stride. McCoy let out a shuddering breath as he forced himself to relax, though his cock was surprisingly still hard even after reaching his climax.

'It ain't as if I'm wrong though,' he pointed out while struggling to formulate the words out loud.

'You and I both know that if you had been there at the time I was taken, they would have likely taken you as well,' she reminded him with a pointed look. It didn't take him long to register what she meant by that. 'They would have tried controlling me by threatening to hurt you, or worse. I could never let that happen.'

He let out a heavy sigh when he understood where she was getting at. He knew she was right. As much as he hated to admit it, he would have been an easy mark for the assholes who took her. The worst part of it was knowing that he had been helpless. Yet she was also right about not dwelling on the subject. After everything they had been through, the best thing they could do was move on from that incident.

Luckily the subject was quickly dropped as she shifted to pry off her own clothing. McCoy watched in amusement as she pried off her undergarments, soon followed by the suit he was always annoyed to see. While he understood the need to wear such a suit, it still annoyed him to no end that she felt the need to wear it. She was beautiful – with or without the suit.

"And I'll gladly say it out loud if I have to," he put in when she rose her eyebrow in amusement.

"You'd be the first to say so," she snorted in her own amusement. He couldn't bring himself to say anything as she climbed atop of him. The feeling of her weight bearing down on him was unlike anything he'd ever felt. He would never admit out loud that he loved seeing her take charge. It was a whole new side of her that he rarely got to see unless she was involved with the agency. "I do appreciate the gesture though."

She added the last part with a smirk as she slid forward so that her face hovered over his. McCoy didn't need to be told twice what she wanted… or what she needed for that matter. She was wet from their earlier activities – an indication of how ready she was for that sweet release. For a moment, the world suddenly felt as though it stood still when he finally entered her. Neither of them moved as he allowed the familiar sensation of their minds becoming one sweep over.

'I love you,' he said through their link, knowing full-well truer words couldn't be said enough.

Those feelings were only intensified when she moved forward. Her walls wrapped around him tightly, and as she thrust her hips downwards, that only fueled his earlier pleasure. They groaned in unison as he kissed her passionately, relishing the way she felt around him. He thrust upward in time to meet hers, knowing exactly where to strike and how much she could take. Tonight was no different.

His tongue sought entrance as she continued kissing him with every thrust, and it wasn't long before they were fighting for dominance. He could tell she was getting close from her well-timed thrusts. He was reaching his second release when she finally came, letting out an embarrassingly loud groan of her own. McCoy thrust into her a few more times as he came seconds later, following suit.

For a while, neither of them moved. She rested atop of him, and he realized with a start that he was still inside of her. It was then that he wanted the moment to last… he knew it would be short-lived. Considering they still had a full day of classes to get by in the morning, they still needed to get some sleep. Yet that didn't stop him from kissing her once more.

"I love you, Leonard," she whispered out loud.

McCoy's face softened when she said that. He knew in that moment that she meant so much more to him than some friend he'd grown up with. When she first called him her Imzadi, it felt strangely accurate. He knew without a doubt that she was his Imzadi, and nothing would ever change that.