Will the Real Emily Please Stand Up

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, I make no money from my scribbles. Go on and sue me if you must, my life's ambition is to be given the opportunity to read femslash out loud in court.

"Shut up Nigel! That cannot be true!"

"It's the truth Six, I swear by God and Gucci!"

Nigel giggled helplessly at the look on Andy's face and nearly started crying with laughter when she slid down from the couch onto the floor landing in a befuddled heap.

"Miranda has called every assistant she's ever had Emily. All of them?"

Nigel grinned, filled his own glass and reached over to top up Andy's glass killing their second bottle of wine that evening. They were both pleasantly buzzed and happy-silly drunk but not yet falling down drunk. Well not from a standing position anyway, Nigel thought to himself and giggled at his own internal wit.

"All of them?" Andy murmured seeming to be questioning herself and not her giggling companion.

"From the very first assistant she got when she was made EIC 15 years ago. In fact, you my dear Six are the only assistant she has EVER called by their actual name."

Andy couldn't help the flood of warmth that made its way across her heart at that bit of news. There was a moment of silence until a few things occurred to Andy.

"So basically you're saying that her first assistant was named Emily and she's just kept calling every one that followed the same name? Wow! That's like, well Wow! Damn I bet Em never even guessed Miranda was only getting her name right by accident when she first started huh?"

These questions pushed Nigel the last few inches and he joined Andy on the floor far less elegantly, rolling around and hooting with laughter till tears sprang to his eyes.

"Totally wrong on both counts Six."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

Nigel righted himself and wiped his eyes before holding up his hand to tick the points off on his fingers.

"One – Miranda's first ever assistant was named Rebecca. Absolutely no one knows why she started calling her Emily, but she did from the minute she hired her." He held up a second finger.

"Two – Emily knew perfectly well Miranda wasn't getting her name right."

He paused for just a second when he saw Andy lift her glass and waited until she'd taken a healthy swig before continuing.

"And Emily knew it because… Emily's name isn't Emily." He crowed with glee when Andy choked on her wine and looked like she'd been hit by a bus.

"What?!"

"Emily's name isn't Emily."

"Now I know your just messing with me Nige. I've seen her driver's licence and her passport when she went on the shoot in Toronto. They both definitely say, Emily Carlton on them. You're gonna have to do better than that pal."

Andy relaxed back against the couch thinking she'd shut Nigel down for sure. Confusingly Nigel didn't react liked he'd been found out and kept grinning smugly. He fixed a knowing look on Andy.

"They Say Emily….Now."

Andy's eyes went wide.

"Now? Whadaya mean 'now'?"

Nigel sniggered but said nothing.

"Nige! What do you mean they say Emily now? Tell me or I'm gonna crawl over there and strangle you."

"Well apparently our flamboyant redhead's parents had foolishly neglected to take Miranda's future requirements regarding the name of her assistants into consideration when they named their bouncing baby girl Heather Edwina Carlton."

"HEATHER!?"

"Heather EDWINA." Chuckling Nigel corrected her.

"Then why does her passport say Emily!?" The wine was slowing the otherwise clever woman down now and her brain just refused to connect the dots.

"Well, my dear Six. Our oh so deeply devoted little Brit wouldn't dream of contradicting Miranda, so…. Six weeks after she started, HR had to amend all their paperwork when Heather Edwina had her named legally changed to Emily."

Andy blinked. Opened her mouth and shut it. Blinked again and suddenly remembered the crappy instructions Emily had given her when she'd told the redhead that Miranda had instructed that she should deliver the book, and that their boss had called her Andrea.

The penny dropped with a clang and Andy threw her head back wailing.

"NO WONDER SHE FUCKING HATES ME!"