Chapter 15: Lockhart's Test
September 3, 1992
"What've we got this afternoon?" said Harry.
"Defense Against the Dark Arts," said Hermione at once.
"Why," demanded Ron, seizing her schedule, "have you outlined all Lockhart's lessons in little hearts?"
Hermione snatched the schedule back, blushing furiously.
They finished lunch and went outside into the overcast courtyard.
Hermione sat down on a stone step and buried her nose in Voyages with Vampires again.
Buffy had shown the book to Giles who had said he had read the book when he had learned of its requirement for Defense Against the Dark Arts. When he had learned that a vampire in the book could only eat lettuce, he was sure nothing in it was true.
"Hermione," Buffy said as she sat next to Hermione. "You do know that book is lies."
"How would you know, Buffy?" Hermione replied.
"Promise you won't tell?" Buffy said lowering her voice to a whisper.
"Tell what?" Hermione asked.
"I'm a Slayer," Buffy said. "Only Harry, Dawn, mom and my Watcher knows."
"Faith died?" Hermione asked shocked.
"Yes and no," Buffy said. "I was told that she drowned and was revived with CPR at some time in the past. Her replacement was called and this last summer she died. I am her replacement. My Watcher is the new assistant librarian. I showed him the book. He said while vampires can eat foods like us. They can't live on it. They have to have blood to survive."
Hermione's eyes went wide as she looked down at the book then at Buffy as she closed said book. She noticed her friend look around. "What is it?"
"I feel like we're being watched," Buffy answered. She saw the very small, mousy-haired boy she'd seen trying on the Sorting Hat last night staring at her as though transfixed. He was clutching what looked like an ordinary Muggle camera, and the moment Buffy looked at him, he went bright red.
"All right, Isabella? I'm—I'm Colin Creevey," he said breathlessly, taking a tentative step forward. "I'm in Gryffindor, too. D'you think—would it be all right if—can I have a picture?" he said, raising the camera hopefully.
"A picture?" Buffy repeated.
"So, I can prove I've met you," said Colin Creevey eagerly, edging further forward. "I know all about you. Everyone's told me. About how you and your brother survived when You-Know-Who tried to kill you both and how he disappeared and everything and how you've still got a lightning scar on your cheek and your brother on his forehead and a boy in my dormitory said if I develop the film in the right potion, the pictures'll move." Colin drew a great shuddering breath of excitement and said, "It's amazing here, isn't it? I never knew all the odd stuff I could do was magic till I got the letter from Hogwarts. My dad's a milkman, he couldn't believe it either. So, I'm taking loads of pictures to send home to him. And it'd be really good if I had one of you"—he looked imploringly at Buffy—"maybe your friend could take it and I could stand next to you? And then, could you sign it?"
"Signed photos? You're giving out signed photos, Potter?"
Loud and scathing, Draco Malfoy's voice echoed around the courtyard. He had stopped right behind Colin, flanked, as he always was at Hogwarts, by his large and thuggish cronies, Crabbe and Goyle.
Buffy noticed that Harry and Dawn started toward her and she waved them off.
"Everyone line up!" Malfoy roared to the crowd. "Isabella Potter's giving out signed photos!"
Buffy stood as she balled her fists. "Do you remember what happened in Diagon Alley?" she asked Malfoy.
"What's all this, what's all this?" Gilderoy Lockhart was striding toward them. "Who's giving out signed photos?"
Buffy started to speak but she was cut short as Lockhart flung an arm around her shoulders and thundered jovially, "Shouldn't have asked! We meet again, Isabella!"
Buffy was attempted to shove Lockhart away from her with just the slightest hint of her Slayer strength. But she held in the impulse at least for now.
"Come on then, Mr. Creevey," said Lockhart, beaming at Colin. "A double portrait, can't do better than that, and we'll both sign it for you."
"No, I won't," Buffy muttered to herself.
Colin fumbled for his camera and took the picture as the bell rang behind them, signaling the start of afternoon classes.
"Off you go, move along there," Lockhart called to the crowd, and he set off back to the castle with Buffy still clasped to his side. "A word to the wise, Isabella. I covered up for you back there with young Creevey—if he was photographing me, too, your schoolmates won't think you're setting yourself up so much…"
"Let me just say that handing out signed pictures at this stage of your career isn't sensible—looks a tad bigheaded, Isabella, to be frank. There may well come a time when, like me, you'll need to keep a stack handy wherever you go, but" —he gave a little chortle— "I don't think you're quite there yet."
They had reached Lockhart's classroom and he let Buffy go at last.
Buffy yanked her robes straight and headed for a seat at the very back of the class where she busied himself with piling all seven of Lockhart's books in front of her, so that she could avoid looking at the real thing.
The rest of the class came clattering in, and Willow, Dawn, Harry, Ron and Hermione sat down on around Buffy.
"Bells?" Harry whispered.
"If it's the last thing I do, I will hit Malfoy with full Slayer strength and send him to the hospital wing," Buffy said. "If not for him I would not have had to endure Mr. Idiot there."
When the whole class was seated, Lockhart cleared his throat loudly and silence fell. Lockhart reached forward, picked up Neville's copy of Travels with Trolls, and held it up to show his own, winking portrait on the front
"Me," Lockhart said, pointing at it and winking as well. "Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly 's Most Charming Smile Award but I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!"
"I see you've all bought a complete set of my books — well done. I thought we'd start today with a little quiz. Nothing to worry about — just to check how well you've read them, how much you've taken in —" Lockhart said.
Buffy muttered under her breath, "Just get on with the lesson."
When he had handed out the test papers he returned to the front of the class and said, "You have thirty minutes—start—now!"
Buffy looked down at her paper and read:
1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?
2. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?
3. What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?
On and on it went, over three sides of paper, right down to:
54. When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday, and what would his ideal gift be?
"Professor, what do these questions have to do with Defense Against the Dark Arts?" asked Buffy.
For the first question Buffy wrote, "Who cares, what does this have to do with Defense Against the Dark Arts?"
For the second question she wrote, "You really are full of yourself, aren't you? I don't see what this has to do with Defense Against the Dark Arts."
For the third question she wrote, "Who cares what an idiot does. Seriously none of this has to do with Defense Against the Dark Arts."
On and on she went right down to the very last question in which she wrote, "Ideal gift, I know what my ideal gift would be. To not have an idiot for a professor."
Half an hour later, Lockhart collected the papers and rifled through them in front of the class.
"Tut, tut — hardly any of you remembered that my favorite color is lilac. I say so in Year with the Yeti. And a few of you need to read Wanderings with Werewolves more carefully — I clearly state in chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples — though I wouldn't say no to a large bottle of Ogdeds Old Firewhisky!" Lockhart said.
Lockhart gave them another roguish wink. Ron was now staring at Lockhart with an expression of disbelief on his face; Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas, who were sitting in front, were shaking with silent laughter. Hermione on the other hand, was listening to Lockhart with rapt attention and gave a start when he mentioned her name.
Lockhart smiled, "…but Miss Hermione Granger knew my secret ambition is to rid the world of evil and market my own range of hair-care potions — good girls! In fact," — he flipped her paper over — "full marks! Where is Miss Hermione Granger."
Hermione raised her hand.
"Excellent!" beamed Lockhart. "Quite excellent! Take ten points for Gryffindor!" He then came to Buffy's paper and frowned, "Where is Isabella Potter?"
Buffy sighed as she looked out from behind her books and raised her hand. "Right here."
Lockhart shook his head, "Detention, Miss Potter. Really some of the things you wrote down are downright rude. I should show this to the Headmaster, but I won't. You will serve detention tonight in my classroom."
Buffy sighed she would have to see Dumbledore. Tonight was supposed to be her training session with Giles.
Harry leaned over and whispered, "Why did you have to egg him on, Bells?"
Buffy glared at her brother and didn't respond.
"And so — to business —" Lockhart bent down behind his desk and lifted a large, covered cage onto it. "Now — be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizard kind! You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. All I ask is that you remain calm."
In spite of herself, Buffy leaned around her pile of books for a better look at the cage. Since she was a Slayer it was best to try and learn every magical creature, be it a demon or vampire or otherwise, that she could.
Lockhart placed a hand on the cover. "I must ask you not to scream," he said in a low voice. "It might provoke them."
As the whole class held its breath, Lockhart whipped off the cover. "Yes," he said dramatically. "Freshly caught Cornish pixies."
Buffy couldn't control herself. She let out a snort of laughter that even Lockhart couldn't mistake for a scream of terror.
"Yes?" Lockhart smiled at Buffy.
"They're not very dangerous, are they?" Buffy choked.
"Don't be so sure!" said Lockhart, waggling a finger annoyingly at Buffy. "Devilish tricky little blighters they can be!"
The pixies were electric blue and about eight inches high, with pointed faces and voices so shrill it was like listening to a lot of budgies arguing. The moment the cover had been removed, they had started jabbering and rocketing around, rattling the bars and making bizarre faces at the people nearest them.
"Right, then," Lockhart said loudly. "Let's see what you make of them!" And he opened the cage.
It was pandemonium. The pixies shot in every direction like rockets. Two of them seized Neville by the ears and lifted him into the air. Several shot straight through the window, showering the back row with broken glass. The rest proceeded to wreck the classroom more effectively than a rampaging rhino.
They grabbed ink bottles and sprayed the class with them, shredded books and papers, tore pictures from the walls, up-ended the waste basket, grabbed bags and books and threw them out of the smashed window; within minutes, half the class was sheltering under desks with the exception of Buffy and Neville, the latter was swinging from the iron chandelier in the ceiling.
"Come on now — round them up, round them up, they're only pixies," Lockhart shouted. He rolled up his sleeves, brandished his wand, and bellowed, " Peskipiksi Pesternomi!" It had absolutely no effect; one of the pixies seized his wand and threw it out of the window, too.
Lockhart gulped and dived under his own desk, narrowly avoiding being squashed by Neville, who fell a second later as the chandelier gave way.
Buffy was quick to the cage and with Slayer precision she was snatching them out of the air as they flew past and stuffing the pixies back in the cage as the bell rang. In between grabbing pixies, she watched as the majority of the class rushed out of the room. She noticed out of the corner of her eye as Lockhart was heading toward his office. "You are doing a good job, Miss Potter," he said. "I'll ask you to just nip the rest of them back into their cage."
"Can you believe him?" roared Ron as one of the remaining pixies bit him painfully on the ear.
"He just wants to give us some hands-on experience," said Hermione, immobilizing two pixies at once with a clever Freezing Charm and stuffing them back into their cage.
"Hands on?" said Harry, who was trying to grab a pixie dancing out of reach with its tongue out.
"Hermione, he didn't have a clue what he was doing —"
"Hermione, remember what I told you about his Voyages with Vampires?" asked Buffy.
"I remember."
"Remember what?" asked Ron.
Buffy sighed as she noticed it was just her, Ron, Harry and Hermione left. Even Dawn and Willow had run out of the room. "That I am a Slayer and the new assistant librarian is my Watcher. I showed him the Voyages with Vampires book. He read it and told me it was fiction. Vampires have to drink blood to survive. They can't survive on lettuce alone." She looked toward the door that Lockhart had exited through. "And I don't care if I get expelled, I am not going to his detention. I will go straight to Dumbledore first."
After they finished stuffing the last of the pixies in the cage. She snatched her quiz and left heading to Dumbledore's office. Because of being the Slayer, she had a special password to get by the statue in case there was something she needed and Giles was not available. She gave the password and went up the stairs to the oak door. She knocked.
"Come in."
Buffy opened the door and stepped into the headmaster's office.
Dumbledore looked up and nodded, "Miss Potter, how nice it is to see you. How are your training sessions going?"
Buffy smiled, "I was supposed to have my first one tonight. That's the reason I am here," she explained. She handed him her quiz, "I have a detention because of this for tonight. I also wanted you to see the quiz he gave us today. Forgive my answers but I was rather ticked off we had that quiz that has nothing to do with the subject of the class he is teaching."
Dumbledore laughed as he read her answers, "While I understand why you wrote what you wrote. You do need to try and respect the professors even if you don't agree with their teaching methods. I will talk to Professor Lockhart about this quiz though, as you are right, they do not have anything to do with the subject he is teaching. You will do it tomorrow then. That way your training session is not interrupted."
Buffy had hoped Dumbledore would do away with the detention all together. She understood though that he couldn't of course. "Thank you, Professor," she said. "One other thing, Professor. Did you know his required textbook Voyages with Vampires is not true. Being the Slayer I had Giles."
"Professor Giles," Dumbledore corrected.
"Professor Giles look through it," Buffy said. "He came upon one entry in the book that is completely untrue. He had a vampire surviving solely on lettuce. Professor Giles said that was impossible. They need blood to survive."
"I will look into it, thank you for bringing it to my attention," said Dumbledore.
September 12, 1992
It was the end of the second week, and Buffy sat on the Quidditch Pitch waiting her turn to try out for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Oliver Wood had put up a notice the week before that they would be holding tryouts for a Chaser as one of the students who had been a Chaser had graduated the year before.
Buffy had spent the last two weeks practicing quidditch and just improving her flying skills with Harry. She waved to her brother as her name was finally called.
She grabbed her broom; Harry had bought her during their trip to Diagon Alley, and flew up beside Harry who gave her a pat on the back, "Good Luck, Bells."
Buffy smiled and then was off, with her Slayer reflexes she managed to score more points than anyone else who had tried out. Oliver was smiling and nodded, "I think we have our new Chaser, Isabella Potter. Everyone else thank you for trying out and better luck next time."
Buffy stayed in the air for a few moments before landing next to her brother who hugged her tightly.
"I know you could do it, Bells." Harry said. "Hey, Wood, you know this is becoming a family sport, don't you? Two Potters and Two Weasley's out of all 7 players. Two families make up half the team, now."
Buffy blushed as Oliver nodded, "Ok practice will be Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings after classes, as well as Saturday Afternoons. Except on a Hogsmeade weekend, when there will be no practice."
Buffy sighed. She couldn't wait till she was a third-year student and was allowed to go to Hogsmeade.