A/N. So, after this, I'll begin the preparations for the Invasion!
I don't own Avatar the Last Airbender.
They had made camp on the first island they saw, away from Hama's village. Aang had made Appa land next to the beach, and they had set up their tents just beyond the sand. It was a beautiful campsite actually, with lush forests behind them, and a full view of the ocean in front of them.
Not that that was important. No, what was important was Katara. Aang had seen the look in those blue eyes… And it wasn't good. After seeing to it that the villagers had subdued the old waterbender, and that the full moon had passed, they had quickly gone to Hama's Inn. Sokka and Toph had gone inside the building to get their stuff, as Aang himself stayed with Katara. The villagers may like them for what they had done… But he didn't want to take any risks.
The prisoners had seen how Katara had subdued the old woman. If they had connected the dots, they would quickly come to the wrong conclusion. That Katara was the same as Hama… So, Sokka and Aang had decided to leave the island as quickly as possible.
He had taken Appa out of the barn, and the bison had probably felt the mood between them, as he had positioned himself just in front of the door, grinding himself against the ground to make it easier to climb in the saddle.
Sokka and Toph had come out of the inn, their bags in their hands, and they had left. Aang had steered Appa, for he knew this part of the Fire Nation, even without a map… And they just needed a place without people. A place to stay for one or two days… A place to process what had happened.
A place for Katara to make peace with what had happened…
And so, they had landed here, on this beach. The sun had already made its way into the sky, but it was still early. Sokka had begun to prepare a small breakfast with the supplies they still had. Aang had sat down next to the water tribe boy, and was looking at where Katara was sitting, looking over to the ocean…
"You know what happened, right?" Sokka asked him in a whisper.
"Yeah… She used whatever Hama did to the villagers. Bloodbending, she called it…" Aang sighed. Spirits, that was messed up. He knew Katara, probably better than most people… And he knew she would hate doing such a thing.
Sokka, next to him, just nodded, continuing to prepare some food, putting the cut fruit in some bowls. The airbender took one and stood up. Walking up to where Katara was sitting, he gently nudged her shoulder with the bowl. No reaction…
"Hey… If you're hungry, Sokka prepared some food…" Aang spoke softly, putting the fruit next to the waterbender, who just nodded, still looking over at the ocean. The airbender opened his mouth but realized… he didn't know what to say. He didn't know what had exactly happened before they arrived… But it had to be bad. Otherwise, Katara wouldn't shut him out…
He walked back to where Sokka and Toph were sitting, looking at him expectantly. Aang just shook his head, and then, for the blind girl's benefit, explained.
"Nothing…"
He sat down next to Appa and took Momo in his arms. The small lemur had been rather subdued, and was looking with big eyes towards the fruit in the bowls, but didn't try to steal it, for once…
"What happened?" Toph asked softly, as if to make sure that Katara couldn't hear them. Aang doubted very much that the waterbender was listening to anything… Her silhouette was still and hadn't moved since he had given her the fruit. Which stood next to her, untouched.
"Well… We don't exactly know." Aang answered hesitantly. Actually, they knew… Hama had said it herself. And they had fled the village specifically for that reason. They knew. They just didn't want to say it out loud.
A silence settled between them, as the airbender fed some of his own fruit to Momo, without even touching it for himself. He wasn't hungry. He had seen the broken look in Katara's ocean blue eyes, and it worried him. So much…
Aang thought back at earlier that evening. Indeed… Being forced to do something had hurt. The feeling that had gripped his muscles had been cold, and at the same time, it had burned through his veins… And not only that… But it had hurt, emotionally speaking. Having nothing to say, seeing your own limbs do something you didn't want to do… He had nearly punched Katara. Something he didn't want to do, or even would think about! He would never hurt her! But… Hama had forced him, and he had not even managed a token resistance.
But how had it been for Katara, who had done that to Hama? Of course, it had been in self-defence. But it couldn't have been pleasant for the waterbender, who he knew would hate such an act…
"I'll go and try again…" Aang said, as he stood up, but he felt a hand on his arm, stopping him.
"Air Head… There are some things you need to know before speaking to her. She is probably in her dark place. And not for the first time. You need to know some things." It had been Sokka who had stopped him. Raising an eyebrow, he sat down once more, this time right in front of the water tribe boy and Toph.
"What do you mean?"
"Well… how much has she told you about the time you were unconscious?" Sokka whispered, making sure his sister couldn't hear them.
"Not much… I know some things thanks to my conversations with the tribesmen. But specifics… no. Nothing."
"Alright. During your coma, Katara was in a lot of emotional pain. The first few days, she wanted to kill Azula. Maybe she still does. Katara is good at hiding some emotions under a mantle of care and kindness. But don't mistake that for forgiveness. She can be vengeful, and very patient if she wants. But she snapped the moment we took the ship." Sokka explained, in a whispered tone.
Yes… Aang knew that. Or at least, had suspected it. Hakoda had told him about Katara's episode. Not in great detail, but it had been enough to understand what had happened.
"But killing in a fight… when you have no other choice… That, I can understand." He whispered back.
"She had a choice Aang. She killed the captain, who had surrendered. After tormenting him with the idea that you were alive and would lay the Fire Nation to waste."
That, Aang had not known. Spirits… That was horrible. Why would she have said those things?
Because she had been hurt. If it had been her who had been wounded… or even killed… Would he have kept his principles? No… he probably wouldn't have. Aang would have torn the world apart to find the person responsible for that. And would not have cared about the cost.
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I need you to speak to her. You are the only one she listens to. And I wanted you to know this, in case she would tell you. So that you wouldn't be surprised. Aang, she is slipping in more ways than one. I have seen it during your coma, and I'm afraid that this will trigger that once more. My dad and I have talked about it… We are afraid what will happen if you die fighting Ozai. That is why I wanted to do the invasion. Not only to end the war, and to keep you as safe as possible… But also, to minimalize the chances that you may die. Because we know what will happen to Katara if you do. She will fight the Fire Nation with everything she has. And now… I'm afraid that she may become like Hama. Broken." Sokka voice sounded thick like he was trying very hard not to show all the emotions he was feeling
"But… she won't… right?"
"No. She won't. Because you are going to tell her everything will be alright. If anyone else says it, she won't believe us. She trusts you, and only you, with her fears. So, talk to her... And get her back. Because whatever is sitting there now, that is not Katara. That is a shell." Sokka waved to his sister, who had not moved an inch from her place.
Aang stood up once more. This was not going to be easy… But he needed to at least try, for her.
Walking down the sandy dune that separated their campsite and the waterbender, he turned slightly back, only to see Sokka hold his thumbs up, with a slightly worried expression on his face. And Toph, who was now holding Momo, nodded.
"Katara, my love…" Aang spoke softly as he approached her. He realized, a bit too late, that he was probably still in hearing distance of the other two. Well, at least, Toph would surely have heard him. That girl had the ears of an owl bat.
Nothing.
Not a sound or a movement…
Sitting down next to Katara, he made sure to give her enough space. He had seen the look in her eyes when he had touched her before, when Hama was being chained up by the villagers. She had recoiled from his touch, but had tried to hide it…
"How are you?"
Nothing.
Aang didn't say anything else. What could he say? Nothing would make this better… At least, not before he knew what troubled her.
The airbender didn't know how long they sat there, in complete silence. From time to time, he would look at her for a second, but the waterbender kept her eyes straight at the horizon.
"Get away from me." He heard a very quiet, broken voice say suddenly. Was that… Katara? She never sounded like that! Her voice was always strong, and even when she was sad it was not like this. This voice wasn't the strong woman he loved…
"Why should I?" It broke his heart to hear her like this…
Nothing.
Silence came back, hanging heavily between them. Of course he wasn't going! It was painfully clear that that was exactly what he shouldn't do! Aang was not going to leave her alone, not now…
"Do you want to talk about it?" He whispered, putting a hand on a sand next to Katara's, open palm towards her. If she wanted, she could take it. Otherwise… Well, he would just leave it there. It wasn't hurting anyone.
"I… no."
Progress? He heard the slight hesitation in that sad broken voice. Was he getting somewhere? Maybe Sokka was right. Katara didn't open up, at least… Not fully. To most people, she seemed an openhearted, kind person, who was always taking care of everyone and everything. And to a certain extent, that was true.
But Aang knew better. Underneath all that kindness was a person, who was everything but sure of herself. Someone damaged by everything that had happened. Someone who had learned to be strong for her family when her mother was killed… A woman who had steeled herself when her father left them for six years.
Someone who was stronger than he could ever be. And to see Katara like this made him nervous. Had she been like this when he was in his coma? Spirits… If he had known that, he would have tried to wake up as soon as possible.
"Why did you want me to go? I can go if you want… But why?" He needed to get through. Somehow.
"I… it would be easier." She sounded so, so tired.
"Easier?"
Suddenly, she got up, and began to walk down the beach. Aang was too surprised too immediately react. Scrambling up as fast as possible, he cast a look over his shoulder, seeing Sokka mouth a phrase.
What did you do you idiot!
Aang shrugged his shoulders and lifted his hand up, to show he didn't know. Then, the airbender turned around and began to follow Katara down the beach.
"Katara wait!" He called out, but she didn't even acknowledge his call, ignoring it and she kept walking rather quickly. Aang followed the footsteps in the sand, but choosing no to just run up to her. She surely had a reason for wanting to get away, and if she didn't want him wherever she was going, he was not going to impose himself. But he would follow in a respectful distance from her.
They were easily a mile from their campsite before he saw her fall on her knees on the sand. Even from this distance, he could see how her shoulder moved up and down. She was sobbing…
"Please stay away from me!" She shouted suddenly, when he was close enough that she could hear him. She looked… well, out of her mind. Her eyes were bulging out of their sockets, red rimmed and going left and right at an alarming pace. Her hair, which had been neatly tied up before, was getting looser, and there were strands of it hanging in front of her face.
"Katara, you shouldn't be al-"
"I can feel you! Your heartbeat, your blood pressure! Get away from me!"
Oh Spirits… This was so much worse than they had thought…
"Is there something we can do?" Aang spoke softly. Spirits, he had never seen her like this. If she didn't want them near her, he could understand. But she should eat, drink and at least stay in sight of the camp…
"N-no. Just… Leave me here. The island is uninhabited. Here, I can't do too much damage."
Leave… Her… here.
No way.
Never.
"Katara, we are not going to leave you here! Why would we?" He knew what her answer would be before even hearing it.
"Because I'm no better than Hama! I'm… I'm a monster!" She shouted back. Aang felt his own pulse quicken at those words. No. Never. She would never be a monster in his eyes… Even with all that Sokka had told him, and the knowledge she could probably kill him in a heartbeat with bloodbending. Never would she be a monster.
He knelt down as calmly as possible next to her.
"You are not a monster, my love." Where had that come from so suddenly? He had never called her that before. But for some reason it felt like she needed to hear those words…
"Aang… I can feel your heartbeat. You're afraid. Afraid of me." The tears flowed over her face, and the airbender's heart cracked at the sight.
"No… Not of you. For you, yes. But I would never be afraid of you." He answered softly, lifting a hand to touch her shoulder, but Aang decided against it. She probably didn't want to be touched at this moment.
"But I'm not safe to be around." She lifted her big blue eyes up to him, and that look was killing him. It looked so… un Katara like. As if something had broken inside.
"Why not?" He asked. At least, she was talking now…
"I-imagine… That you are around during… next time… Imagine what could happen!" Tears flowed anew, and he quickly cupped her face in his hands, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. Aang felt Katara's sharp intake of breath at the contact, but he felt eternal relief when she didn't try to pull away.
"Nothing will happen Tara. Nothing. You hear me? You are stronger than that. You are the strongest person I have ever met! This will not break you. You hear me? This will not defeat you." Aang spoke firmly, because he believed this to be true.
"Aang… You can't know that…"
"Yes, I do. You would never hurt us. Never."
"I loved it Aang! I revelled in it. I hated it, but you want to know something? I liked feeling that kind of power! I'm not safe to be around!" Katara suddenly jerked her head away from his hands and created some space between them by shuffling a bit to the left on her knees.
"What did you feel when you did it?" He asked. He knew Katara. She may have liked the feeling of power… But not the part of hurting someone. That, she would never love. She was not cruel.
"I felt disgusted! Afraid! Powerful and evil!" She shrieked. The unstable emotions, balancing between anger and hurt, made him uneasy. How was he supposed to make her feel better?
"Katara… Being capable of evil doesn't make you so. Otherwise, I would be evil too. And Toph. And Sokka… Everyone would be evil, the moment they bend something, or take up a sword. Does it make us evil? No. Our choices make us evil." He whispered, and he saw how she was looking at him with an unsure glance in her eyes.
"You aren't evil." She spoke after a moment. But nothing more.
"But I could be if I wanted to. Katara, I'm the Avatar, I can kill with the flick of a finger if I so choose." Aang spoke. He was making progress, he felt it! That was the core of the problem, it would seem. She felt evil and hated to think of herself like that.
"But that is the Avatar. We have talked about that, and we separate being the Avatar and being you… So, it is not the same…"
"Katara, I'm an airbender. I can suck the air out of your lungs, and watch you suffocate without beating a sweat. There is a reason why we were pacifists. That is evil. But we choose not to be."
That got through, it seemed. Aang saw how the waterbender was biting her lower lip, as she always did when thinking about something.
"I… Bloodbending… it is… not right. To have such power over someone. I could feel Hama being afraid. Afraid of losing her freedom. She… She told me how she learned it." The waterbender whispered, still sitting a few feet away from him.
"Tell me about it… If you want to."
"She… She was held in a prison. She spent decades learning it in there, by practicing on rats. And then… She killed a guard, whom she had forced to open her cell. Hama escaped…and settled in that village." Katara muttered, looking just over his right shoulder, not directly into his eyes.
"What would you have done? After escaping I mean?" The idea that Hama had spent decades of her life in a Fire Nation prison made his heart crack. No one deserved that. At least not innocent people.
"I would have gone home… To the South Pole." Katara whispered, still not looking at him.
"And Hama stayed… She chose to take revenge." Aang said. He was not going to mention the heap of bones and corpses they had found in the cave. There was no need to traumatize Katara any further.
"It doesn't excuse what I did… I took her freedom away."
"And saved so many other people whose freedom was being taken away by Hama. Katara, you are not a monster. You are someone who did what she had to do for the good of so many. That doesn't make you evil. In my opinion, that makes you brave." Aang extended his hand, gently and slowly, so that he could stop at any given moment, at any signal. It didn't come, and he closed his fingers around Katara's hand.
"It is the choices we make that define who we are Tara. Not what other people make us do. You chose to use it to save me. To save Sokka. To save so many people. You are kind. And the greatest person I know." He gently pressed his hand, feeling how the waterbender's small hand shook slightly under his fingers.
"I… I need to tell you about it… If you don't mind…" Her voice quivered slightly. Aang just nodded, moving slightly closer to her. He would be there, the moment she needed to let her emotions out. Always.
"Since… Since you got wounded… I've had these… episodes. I don't… I don't k-know what takes over, but I f-feel… so angry. I did some things I'm n-not proud of. I killed that ship's captain. Not to defend myself. Just… Just to feel the s-satisfaction of hurting those t-that hurt me." Katara's voice sounded so afraid, so terrified. And her eyes were still not exactly looking at him.
"M-my dad told me he had the same episodes, when he got to fight the Fire N-Nation. And… I don't know if it will get better. He told me that he still got them, from time to time… B-but that Bato and the others stopped him in that case."
Aang softly extended his arms, enclosing the small body of the waterbender in his embrace. She felt rigid in his arms, but it didn't matter. He didn't do it for himself, but to show her that he was there for her.
"Katara… If you ever have those kinds of moments… I'm here for you. Always."
Suddenly, he heard a sob, and the waterbender buried her face between his shoulder and his neck. Aang felt how she pressed herself against him, as if she was trying to get inside of him. He didn't say anything else, just softly caressed her back with his fingers, trying to calm her down as she was crying.
He didn't know how long they stayed there. Aang just sat there, as Katara was letting it all out. He just whispered some things in her ear, from time to time.
"Mero mana, timro ho, mero premokura"
"Everything is alright Tara."
"I love you."
After a long while, Aang looked up, and saw that the sun was now much higher in the sky than it had been. Spirits, it was nearly noon. Katara had stopped crying some time ago, so he gently created some distance between them.
"Are you alright?" he asked softly, seeing the red eyes and the raw skin underneath them.
"A bit better…" She spoke quietly.
Aang stood up, slowly and steadily, pulling Katara up with him. She didn't protest.
"Do you want to go to the campsite? I can make some sweet rice. I'm sure to find some fruit around here!" He suggested, and saw a watery smile, and Katara nodded abruptly. As they walked back, the airbender tried to ignore the fact that Katara gripped his hand a bit too tightly. That was not important.
They came back to the campsite, where Sokka and Toph were lying in the sun, silently. Aang suspected that the blind girl was sleeping, for they had missed a whole night's sleep because of what happened, but Sokka was wide awake. Katara released his hand and walked towards Appa. Sitting down, the waterbender pressed herself against the bison, but didn't say anything to their friends, just looked with big wide blue eyes towards the fire that burned in the middle of the camp.
"And?" Sokka whispered as Aang began to search for the pot they used to cook. Finding it, he also grabbed their supply bags, searching through them for some rice.
"I think I got through." He whispered back, trying to stand with his back to the waterbender, to make sure she didn't see him talking.
"Good…" The water tribe sighed in relief. They just needed to let Katara make peace with the new reality now…
Aang cast a look at the waterbender and noticed how Momo was offering her a piece of fruit. He couldn't help but smile when he saw that she took it, caressing the lemur's head. Yeah… Everything was going to get better. Two weeks to get her back to normal, before the invasion… That could be done. With patience and understanding.
Answers:
Jjsmith103 : Oh not at all, I didn't realise it was the full moon lol! And yeah, I don't know what happened to Hama… Maybe I'll get into that at a later date, if I remember to! And as you probably read, Katara is a mess. Maybe a little less now, but it is not going to fix itself after one conversation! But I will have some happier chapters before the invasion, no worry! (Much happier chapters!)
Rak : Yeah, it hurt to write it, as you know what will happen! I hope I lived up to you expectations! There will be other conversations about this in the future But for now, I'll move on to preparations of the invasion!