Reversal of Fortune: Chapter 25: The Loudest Warzone

Opening A/N: Merged the original Chapter 5 (Clyde's big entrance) & Chapter 6 (Lincoln's visit to the principal's office) into one chapter, so yeah: Everything from Chapter 6 onwards been moved back one chapter. Have fun!

(Time Skip: 9:00 AM, Loud House)

As Rita heard the upstairs floor rumble, she also noticed her phone ringing in her pocket. When she saw the caller ID, "Linda Sweetwater", she nearly dropped her phone. She stepped outside so Linda would not catch wind of the chaos inside her house. Once she was outside, Rita answered the phone, "Hello, this is Rita Loud speaking."

Linda replied, "Hey, Rita! It's Linda!"

Rita gasped, "Oh-oh-oh my god. How are you, Mrs. Sweetwater?"

Linda stated, "Good! Good! And yourself?"

Rita said, "Well, you know, same old, same old. Trying to keep the house of 13 under control."

Linda chuckled, "I hear you on that. Anyway, let's talk business."

Rita replied in shock, "Seriously?! You don't mean…", to which Linda knowingly chuckled, "Yes, I mean it, Rita."

Rita gasped before saying excitedly, "Oh-oh my god! Thank you, Linda! Now, what do you have for me? What do you want me to write? I'll write anything!"

Linda laughed before explaining, "Well, our readers would love to hear how a mother of 11 keeps it together, in our new column, 'Perfect Parenting'."

Rita's eyes widened in realization before she nervously said, "Hold on. Perfect Parenting?"

Linda asked, "Stop the presses, is there a problem?"

Rita then looked into the window and saw the house rumbling as Lynn Sr. nervously scampered around trying to deliver breakfast burritos to each of his daughters' rooms.

Rita sighed before assuring Linda, "No problem at all, if you want perfect parenting advice, you've come to the right place."

Linda cheered, "Wonderful! Then, the last step is going on the record with an in-person interview."

Rita affirmed, "Great! Just tell me when it's convenient and I'll come by your office."

Linda said, "Oh, no. I want to see you in action! I'll be on your doorstep at 10."

Rita yelped, "Gah!", before correcting herself, "I mean, great, see you then."

Rita then hung up and sighed, "Might be a teensy bit of a problem, but I'm a good parent, right? I'm a good mom, letting the kids solve their problems on their own, right? Revolutionary parenting approach! I've got this."

Just as Rita said that, Lisa's lab exploded, and as Rita winced, Lisa said, "I'm OK! Do we have any industrial strength glue?"

(Scene Change: Royal Woods Hospital)

After dropping Lynn Jr. off at football practice and a brief conversation with Whitney, Lori arrived at Royal Woods Hospital and immediately beelined for Room 107. When she opened the room's door and saw Bobby wearing a nose pin, she cried, "Bobby Boo-Boo Bear!"

In a repeat of the previous night, she ran to Bobby's bedside, caressed his face with kisses, and then started to monologue to Bobby about the "unbelievable morning she had" while cuddling with Bobby for the remainder of the day.

(Time Skip: 10:00 AM, Loud House)

After parking the Sweetwaters' minivan alongside the Louds' front lawn, Linda instructed Lindsay, Janie, & Julia to "run along and have fun." Lindsay & the Rosato twins proceeded to grab their kites from the van's front passenger seat and fly them. As the kids started to fly their kites, Linda walked up to the Loud House and knocked on the front door. As she waited for the front door to open, she pulled out her cellphone, opened the "Camera" app, and clicked the "Record" button.

Meanwhile, inside the Loud House, Rita gasped to Lynn Sr., "That must be her! I'll get it!" She ran to the front door and opened it, greeting, "Linda! Long time no see, how are you?!"

Linda chuckled, "I'm great, Rita!", before being immediately interrupted by the sounds of yelling and anguished screaming coming from the upstairs rooms.

When Linda heard the screams of the Loud kids, she gasped, "Oh my! Conflict! PERFECT! Rita, you mind showing me how a perfect parent handles conflict?"

Rita nervously stuttered, "Umm… uh….", before Linda concernedly asked, "Is there a problem, Rita?"

Rita quickly tried to assure Linda, "Uh… no! No problem at all! It's just… uh… we have a protocol for these types of things."

Linda's eyes narrowed knowingly, but Linda kept her innocent act up by asking, "A protocol?!", before muttering, "Well, I suppose in a family this big, you need protocols for everything."

Rita sighed before explaining, "With 10… oh, I'm sorry… 11 kids, keeping track of everything is an absolute 24/7 job."

Linda gasped before patting Rita's shoulder, "Oh, I'm so sorry, honey. You wanna talk about it?"

Rita replied, "Yeah."

Linda continued to assure Rita, "Just so you know, I'm here for you. Now, how does this protocol work?"

Just as Linda asked how the Louds' protocol for conflict resolution worked, Linda and Rita heard yet another loud explosion from the upstairs hallway. Linda asked in confusion, "Oh my… what the heck was that?"

Rita nervously tried to assure Linda, "Oh, that's just another failed experiment by Lisa. Happens all the time."

Linda gasped in horror while muttering under her breath, "My god." Her horror grew when she heard the apparent screams of a little girl. She asked Rita, genuine worry crossing her face, "I think it's time the perfect parent sprung into action."

Rita nervously chuckled, "Yeah. Sure," before following the sounds of the screams upstairs to Lisa's room. As they did, Linda pulled out her phone, which was still recording everything, to make sure she got video footage of whatever caused the screams.

As Rita banged down the door, "LISA! LISA! Are you OK?!", outside, Lindsay had purposely flown one of the kites into a tree.

(Scene Change: Sweetwater Manor)

The computer tracking the camera lodged onto Lindsay's kite showed a heat-map combined with a street-view visual that showed that the kite had been perched onto a tree branch.

Melissa told Brian, "Perfect, the kite's in position."

Brian replied, "Drop the camera."

Melissa nodded, and after a few mousestrokes, pressed the "OK" button when a dialog box asked her to "Drop KiteCam."

(Scene Change: Franklin Avenue)

Back on the street, a drone unlodged itself from Lindsay's kite and implanted a button-sized, camouflaged security camera onto the tree branch before falling back into the kite as if nothing had changed.

(Scene Change: Sweetwater Manor)

As the camera automatically turned on, showing the inside of the Loud House, Brian started, "We've got…", before seeing what his computer monitor was showing. When he did, he and Melissa gasped in horror before Melissa yelled, "OH MY GOD!"

Brian blankly said, "Dude… what the fuck?!"

(Scene Change: Loud House)

Back inside the Loud House, Linda and Rita were also frozen in shock and horror as they took in the scene in front of them. Lisa was testing a giant laser on Lucy, who was strapped to an examination table. The pain seared Lucy's arms as a robot detachedly wrote on a clipboard, measuring Lucy's pain response to each burned spot as she screamed.

When Lisa saw Rita and Linda out of the corner of her eye, she turned to the robot and told him, "One moment, Todd," to which Todd replied, "Affirmative, master."

Lisa then turned back to Rita and Linda and scowled, "Will you two Cro-Magnons go away? I'm testing out my 'laser light show' for my pain study dissertation. Since Lincoln, my originally planned test subject, is not present, I decided to use Lucy instead."

Rita responded, "OK, honey, just be careful," causing Linda to glare at her before yelling, "STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!"

Lisa said, "I can't! My studies into pain science are going to change the world! Hopefully, I can sell these to the CIA and get some money to finally get us an extra bathroom. That is, if sporty doesn't make me spend the extra money on a ready-made squirrel suit."

Linda growled, "You're torturing Lucy…", before shrieking, "FOR AN EXTRA BATHROOM?!"

Lisa scoffed, "Evidently." She then saw the phone Lisa was holding up and immediately deduced that Linda was filming the whole thing. Lisa then approached Linda, "Ah, I see you're recording."

Linda quickly denied, "No, I'm", before Lisa interrupted her, "Excellent! You can help me detect my test subject's response to pain and prolonged torture by subtle changes in their body language and facial expressions so that we can determine her pain threshold and those that share her demographic!"

Linda initially screamed, "What?!", before taking a deep breath and correcting herself, "I mean… no. No thanks, I'm good."

Lisa sneered, "Understandable. Now, please leave me to continue conducting these experiments in privacy. Oh, and if you find Lincoln, tell him he owes me pain studies for the next 7 years when he returns."

A creeped out Linda slowly closed Lisa's room door. As she heard Lucy beg and scream, she asked Rita, "Does this happen every day?"

Rita explained nervously, "No. But my daughters have been really on edge ever since all their pets were killed. Of all the Sister Fight Protocols we've had, this is easily the worst one yet."

Linda gasped before asking, "Sister Fight Protocol? What the heck is that?"

Rita explained, "It's a long story… I'll tell you it over lunch. But you know, they've separated into their own rooms, they fight each other at the slightest provocation, and I've heard a few of them saying they want to 'kill Marcus Quick.'"

Linda grumbled, "I see," before asking Rita, "So, how are your other daughters handling the Sister Fight Protocol?"

Rita remembered, "OH YEAH! THE EQUAL ATTENTION RULE!"

Linda asked, "What's the 'Equal Attention Rule?'"

Rita explained, "Whenever I talk to one daughter during the Sister Fight Protocol, I immediately have to talk to all of them so that none of them think we're favoring that daughter over the other. Matter of fact, with how scattered they are, they might even think so even if I rush over to them as soon as possible! I mean, Luna's sleeping in the basement! How are we supposed to…", before she heard loud yelling from multiple rooms in the hallway, "HEY!"

When Rita heard her daughters yelling at her for attention, she immediately nervously chuckled, "Looks like I've got to go."

Linda, who had been glaring at Rita with her arms crossed while tapping her foot, sighed, "How about this? Since every sister has their own room, start with the room nearest to you and go from there!"

Rita gasped, "That's a great idea! Thanks, Linda!"

Linda replied through gritted teeth, "No problem, any time. So, who's first?"

Rita groaned, "Lola." Linda briefly scowled before putting on a blank face as Rita motioned to her, "Come on."

Rita then knocked on Lola's door, "Lola? You in there?" She then told Linda, "Oh, poor thing's probably still…", before Lola opened the door and interrupted her, "Just fine, Mommy!"

Rita and Linda gasped, "B-b-b-but how?"

Lola cheerfully explained, "Lisa fixed me right…", before noticing Linda and growling, "Oh, great… you."

Linda said through a gritted smile, "Oh, hi, Lola! How's it going?"

Lola blankly said, "Like I was about to tell Mommy, Lisa fixed me right up before she started doing her creepy experiments with Lucy." She then huffed at Linda, "I don't know why I'm talking to you. I swear, your daughter made me want to strangle both her and Lincoln last night." She then yelled at Rita, "Mommy, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!"

Rita tried to assure Lola, "Sweetie, I…", before Lola interrupted her, "YOU'RE TALKING TO THE ENEMY!"

Rita explained, "This is my boss! She pays me, she…", before Lola again interrupted her, "OH, SO JUST BECAUSE THIS WOMAN GIVES YOU MONEY MEANS YOU HAVE TO BE NICE TO HER?! CRAM IT, MOM! WHAT MATTERS MORE… MONEY, OR THIS FAMILY?!"

Rita nervously tried to placate Lola, "Honey…", before Lola interrupted her, shaking her fist, "ANSWER ME!"

Linda whispered to Rita, "Maybe you should back off on this one." Catching this, Lola yelled, "WHAT? WHAT IS SHE SAYING?!"

Rita chuckled apprehensively, "I-I'll tell you what. I'll give you some extra time to calm down, get Linda here out of the house, and then we can talk. Sounds good?"

Lola replied, "YOU'D BETTER NOT BE LYING TO ME, MOM!"

Rita held her pinkie up and replied, "Pinkie swear," which Lola returned in kind before slamming her bedroom shut while scowling at the two women.

Linda briefly shuddered before telling Rita, "Umm…. let's… let's just go to your next daughter's room."

When Rita looked down the hall and saw Lynn Jr.'s room door, she stated, "Junior's trying out for the high school football team, and Lori's currently out running some errands, and she's going to bring her back home. So, they'll be gone for another hour or so, I don't know."

Linda said, "Oh, OK," before Rita looked up and saw the hatch that pulled out the ladder leading to the attic. When she did, she simply told Linda, "Follow me."

Linda obliged and followed Rita up the attic ladder. When they got to the attic, they saw Leni sewing fabric on a hand of what appeared to be a new squirrel suit. When Leni turned around, she cheerfully waved, "Oh, hi Mom! Hi, Mrs. Sweetwater!"

Linda greeted, "Leni! How are you?!"

Leni sighed, "Not good. Lori hates me, this whole family hates each other, and Linky still hasn't returned. I'm totes making him the cutest squirrel suit ever for when he comes back!"

Linda's jaw dropped in shock before she stuttered, "T-t-that's g-great, Leni! I k-know y-you're going to make a fashionable design, like you always do!"

Leni chirped, "I know, right?!", causing her and Linda to laugh before Linda asked, "Oh, and by the way, when Lincoln does return, let him out of the squirrel suit every now and then, will ya?"

Leni immediately gasped before begging, "NO! Linky's bad luck when he's not in the squirrel suit!"

Linda sighed, "Leni, I want you to think about this. What if, well, 'Linky', has to eat? Or what if he has to use the toilet? You know, if you're going to make him stay in a squirrel suit forever, you have to consider these things."

Leni gasped in realization, "Oh…", before saying, "Thanks, Mrs. Sweetwater! You're the best!", before immediately getting back to work on her squirrel suit.

Linda chuckled, "No problem, any time," before walking down the attic ladder with Rita. While they walked down the attic ladder, Rita waved to Leni, "Bye, honey!", to which Leni waved back, "Bye!"

After Rita and Linda made it back to the upstairs floor, Linda asked, "So, who's next?"

Rita looked around the hallway, and saw the bedroom doors of Luan & Lori. Rita then suggested, "Well, since Lori's gone, how about we go see Luan?"

Linda said, "OK," before the two set out for Luan's room. When Rita knocked on Luan's door, she asked, "Luan, are you in there? Can I come in, honey?"

Rita heard no answer, worrying her. She knocked on the door two more times, asking, "Luan?", each time. After the third time she knocked on the door with no response, she told Linda, "I'll open the door," and pulled out a key holder from her pocket. She scanned the keys until she found the key to Luan's room, and opened the door. When she did, she began to wish she hadn't.

Rita and Linda saw a dark room with one lamp in a corner of the room that appeared to illuminate Luan's head as she sat in a desk chair. Rita and Linda winced before deciding to walk into the room together.

When Rita and Linda arrived at Luan's desk, Rita asked, "Luan… are you OK?"

However, Luan grumbled, "Marcus Quick. Marcus Quick. Sisters… sex… Marcus Quick."

Rita and Linda, growing creeped out, decided to say nothing, stand back, and just observe Luan. However, Luan, not paying attention to them at all, continued, "Squirrel. Squirrel. Bad luck. Bad luck. Lincoln. Lincoln. Dead pets. Dead pets. Robbed. Robbed. April Fools'. April Fools'. Squirrel. Bad luck. Marcus. Quick. Sex. Sisters. Marcus. Quick. Bad. Luck. Squirrel. Lincoln. Dead. Pets. Robbed. Pets. Dead. Lincoln. April Fools'. Lincoln. Dead. You. You."

Then, Luan turned around with a crazed grin on her face, yelling as she shone a flashlight on her face with one hand and mimed puppetry with her other hand, "YOU CAN'T QUICKLY SQUIRREL YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS ONE, LINCOLN! HAHAHAHAHA! GET IT?!"

Rita and Linda resisted the urge to scream in terror, but winced and slowly backed away from Luan's room before slamming the door shut. To make matters even creepier for Rita and Linda, they quickly heard the door lock behind them after they left the room. An unsettled Linda quickly said, "Let's meet the next sister."

Rita quickly snapped back, "Agreed," before they ran to Lori's room. As they did, Linda pointed out, "Wait a minute… isn't Lori out?"

Rita remembered, "Oh yeah," before looking downstairs and remembering, "The garage!"

Linda asked to herself, "The garage… what garage?", before hurrying after Rita to the garage. When Rita and Linda arrived in the garage, what they found unsettled them even more.

They saw Lana snipping some truck nuts with extremely sharp garden snippers. What was unusual was that Lana had neither a real truck nor a toy truck to put the truck nuts on. Looking around the room, she also had apparent toy scimitars lying around, with their tips appearing to have already been sharpened. On the garage walls, Rita saw pictures of Marcus Quick's home, Marcus Quick at practically every location she could imagine Marcus being at within a week, a sheet of paper held together by tape showing what Lana had assumed was Marcus Quick's daily routine, and a Detroit Lions 2016 schedule calendar. All of the pictures of Marcus Quick seemed to be time- and location-stamped, and the picture of Marcus Quick above the "October 2016" label on the Lions calendar had a skull and crossbones drawn beside the picture of Quick carrying the football.

Rita decided to ask, "Lana, what are you doing, honey?"

Lana turned to Rita and Linda with a crazed, determined look on her face and bloodshot eyes, and said, "Just practicing my gardening," before going back to sharpening the truck nuts.

Linda, who looked like she was about to drop her phone at this point, whispered to Rita, "Let's get out of here."

Rita simply replied, "Yup," before her and Linda shuffled towards the garage door and ran through the front lawn back inside the house. As they did, they ran past Sam, who yelped in alarm as Rita and Linda nearly knocked her over. When they noticed Sam about to step on the front porch, Linda gave her a puzzled look while Rita immediately smiled.

Rita then greeted, "Oh, hi, Sam!"

Sam politely waved back, "Hey, Mrs. Loud!" She then turned to Linda and asked, "Uh… who are you?"

Linda introduced herself, "Linda. Linda Sweetwater. Here on Royal Woods Gazette business."

Sam politely replied while shaking Linda's hand, "Sam Sharp. Nice to meet you," to which Linda replied, "Pleasure's all mine." After they broke the handshake, Sam asked Rita, "Is Luna here?!"

Rita informed Sam, "Sure she is! You want me to take you to her room?"

Sam blushed, "Uhh…", before smiling, "Definitely!"

Rita then told Sam, "Alright, follow me," which Sam did. As they walked into the house, Rita said to herself, "OK… one more daughter to go," before being greeted by an ultra-loud guitar riff that shook the whole house from beneath Rita, Linda, and Sam's feet.

Sam knowingly asked, "She's in the basement?"

Rita sighed, "She's in the basement," before leading Linda and Sam to the basement to see Luna. When they made it down the stairs and saw Luna, she joyfully cried, "Sam!"

Sam chuckled before waving back, "Hey, Luna!"

The two shared a hug before Rita interrupted them, "You want me to stick around just in case anything goes wrong?"

Luna and Sam quickly reassured Rita, "No, no, we're good."

Rita said, "Alright, then. Have fun you two!", before her and Linda waved goodbye to Luna and Sam.

Linda then asked, "That's everybody?"

Rita assured Linda, "Don't worry, that's everybody," before being interrupted by yells from upstairs, "HEY! WHY CAN'T WE HAVE FRIENDS OVER, TOO?!"

Rita sighed before shouting back, "You guys can have friends over, just call them," which quickly silenced the Loud sisters.

Rita then assured a frowning Linda, "Alright, that's everybody… oh my god! Lily!"

Linda asked, "Who?", before remembering, "Oh yeah… your baby, right?"

Rita then remembered, "Yeah, Lynn Sr.'s with her."

Linda breathed a sigh of relief, "OK, good," before Rita asked, "You want to bring him out here, too?"

Linda said, "Sure," before the two walked to Lynn Sr.'s room and Rita knocked the door. When she did, she called out to Lynn Sr., "Honey, it's Mrs. Sweetwater. She wants to talk to you."

Within a few seconds, Lynn Sr. came out of the room holding Lily and greeted Linda, "Oh, hey, Linda. What brings you here?"

Linda professionally greeted back, "Ah, Lynn. How's it going?"

Lynn Sr. replied, "Good, good. Except for the fact that we're under Sister Fight Protocol." He then whispered to Linda, "I'm technically not even supposed to be out here. I'm supposed to be hiding in the bedroom."

Linda, suddenly concerned, shakily said, "Umm… yeah." She then regained her composure and asked the couple, "So, Rita told me about this 'Sister Fight Protocol' that your daughters created to resolve conflicts amongst themselves."

Lynn Sr. and Rita replied together, "Yeah."

Linda then asked, "Well, while I admire your daughters for taking initiative, I just have to wonder: why don't you step in and resolve these conflicts yourself?"

Lynn Sr. quickly yelled, "A-are you crazy, Linda? In this house? We'll get ourselves killed! Have you seen how our daughters fight each other?"

Linda then pressed, "Well, certainly, someone else should try. I mean, in the event all parties privy to the Sister Fight Protocol are fighting like this, there's got to be some sort of outside help. As your parents, you can't live in fear of your kids! And don't tell me your son, Lincoln, has been trying to resolve this, either."

At the mention of Lincoln, Lynn Sr. and Rita's faces contorted into scowls before Lynn Sr. asked, "Lincoln?!"

Rita then added, "No, no, no." She then scanned the room for Loud sisters before asking Linda, "May I speak to you in private?"

Linda said, "Sure," to which Lynn Sr. suggested, "Great! To mine and Rita's room!"

After following Lynn Sr., Rita, and Lily into their bedroom, Linda, still recording the conversation, asked, "What about Lincoln?"

Lynn Sr. yelled, "Lincoln doesn't solve any conflicts in this house! All he does is make things worse! Heck, he even starts the conflicts himself a lot of the time!", causing Linda to glare at Lynn Sr.

Rita elbowed her husband, "Honey!", before Lynn Sr. quickly corrected himself, "Oh, sorry." Rita then assured Linda, "Sorry about that. Look, what I'm trying to say is, we're a family of 13, 2 parents and 11 kids. And no one in this house is perfect. It's just that… well… our daughters have told us that Lincoln tends to be, well, meddling, selfish, and sneaky when he tries to get his way," to which Lynn Sr. added, "Which is all the time, mind you!"

Rita then sighed, "He just never learns. There was a time when he tried to break up the Sister Fight Protocol, and he just ended up having all our daughters fighting, which meant we had to use Ol' Slushie for an entire weekend!"

Linda gasped before asking, "Ol' Slushie? What's Ol' Slushie?"

Rita sighed in shame, "Lynn, honey, bring it out."

Lynn Sr. then walked to the closet and brought out a blue bucket filled with pee and poop, causing Linda to recoil in disgust and nearly gag.

When she smelled the bucket, she asked, "You go to the toilet in a bucket whenever your daughters are fighting?!"

Lynn Sr. explained, "Yeah! Usually, one of our daughters uses the bathroom as a 'cool-down room', and a rule of the Sister Fight Protocol is that when one daughter has designated a 'cool-down room', no one else can go in until the sister has fully calmed down… whenever that is. Because of that, we can't use a proper toilet, can't go take a shower… anything."

Linda took one more whiff of the room and told Lynn Sr. and Rita, "I see." She then asked, "But why do you guys blame Lincoln? And if it's 10 girls and 1 boy, why don't they just call it a 'Sibling Fight Protocol' instead of a 'Sister' Fight Protocol?"

Lynn Sr. and Rita sighed before Rita informed Linda, "Look, even we don't know many of the 'Sister Fight Protocol' rules ourselves. All we know is to stay out of the way and try to prevent our kids from fighting each other even more. If you really want to know about it, I'll try and get the kids down here and we'll explain it to you together."

Linda huffed, "OK," causing Lynn Sr. and Rita to get out of their seats and call every Loud kid present downstairs to meet with Linda to explain the Sister Fight Protocol.

First, Lynn Sr. knocked on the door to the basement, calling out, "Luna! Family meeting! Dining room!"

Luna told Sam, "Oh shit, that's Pops!"

Sam replied, "You'd better go see what he wants."

Luna sighed, "True. But hey, you wanna come with me?"

Sam smiled, "Sure!", as the two walked upstairs together.

After that, Lynn Sr. called out, "I'll go to the garage to get Lana," to which Rita replied, "OK, honey!"

After that, Rita knocked on Lisa's door, "LISA! LUCY! Get downstairs! Family meeting in the dining room!"

Lisa, who was presently configuring an EKG machine to electrocute Lucy, menacingly pointed at her and grumbled, "Lucky." She then put some scientific gloves on, pulled out a gympie-gympie plant from her dresser's drawer, and put it in a Ziploc bag before grabbing a vial filled with tetraethyl orthosilicate to protect herself in case her other sisters attacked her. Lucy winced before sighing to herself, "I'll take the vents."

While that was going on, Rita could be heard calling Lola, Luan, and Leni out of their rooms, who shuffled down the stairs with angry looks on their faces. Meanwhile, as Lana opened the front door holding her gardening tools, she grumbled to herself, "Stupid mom. Stupid family meetings. Stupid Marcus Quick."

(Time Skip: 11:00 AM)

When Linda and Sam convened with the rest of the Louds in the dining room, they grew unnerved at the Loud sisters' tense glares at each other and the way they were holding out their signature items to be readily used as weapons. Leni held out a stitch ripper. Luna had her guitar amp plugged into the outlet, ready to unleash a violent blast from her power chords. Luan had Lynn Jr.'s metal baseball bat, which she had gotten from sneaking into her room. Lola held up her toy scepter, and Lana held out her gardening tools. Lisa held out her vial in one hand and her gympie-gympie-filled Ziploc bag in another. Even Lily was glaring at her sisters. Suddenly, everyone in the room heard the door slam open, accompanied by Lynn Jr. yelling, "I KNEW IT! I MADE THE TEAM!"

Lynn Sr. cheered loudly, "That's great, honey… wait, what team?"

Lynn Jr. followed the sound of her dad's voice to the dining room. When she arrived, she yelled, "The Royal Woods High School Football Team!", before being greeted by the menacing glares of her sisters, and the somewhat nervous looks of her parents, Linda, and Sam.

When Lynn Jr. saw the rest of her sisters, she grumbled, "Oh, great… you guys."

The sisters continued to silently glare at Lynn Jr., but Lynn Sr. quickly said to try to break the tension, "Moving on… the h-h-ha… the h-h-ha… the HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM?"

Lynn Jr. proudly bragged, "Oh, yes!"

Rita replied, "Junior, you're only 13! And you're in 7th grade! How did they let you in?!"

Lynn Jr. explained, "I wowed the coaches at tryouts! Said I'm the best quarterback they've ever seen, and that they're going to start me for next Friday's game!"

Lynn Sr. and Rita gasped before Lynn Sr. cheered, "T-t-that's great news, honey!", before fantasizing, "Junior… my little football star! Only 13 and playing high school ball!", causing the rest of the Loud sisters to hardly glare at Lynn Sr. before yelling, "AND WHAT ABOUT US?!"

Lynn Sr. nervously reassured his other daughters, "Oh, you're all great, too," causing them to relax their glares slightly, while also causing Lynn Jr. to glare at her father. Lynn Sr. quickly tried to break the tension, "But… the high school football team? Wow, honey! That's amazing! Just put the forms right here and I'll sign them!"

Lynn Jr. confidently smirked, "You bet!", before dropping her gym bag to the floor, pulling out her forms to play on the high school football team, and slamming them on the dining table for Lynn Sr. to sign. Lynn Sr. proudly proclaimed, "I'll get my pen!", and rushed out of the room to do just that.

Meanwhile, Rita observed the sweat pouring down Lynn Jr.'s face, prompting her to ask, "Did you run home again, honey?"

Lynn Jr. proudly proclaimed, "I had to!", before grumbling, "Stupid Lori didn't bother to pick up the phone when I asked her to pick me up… but still! More of a workout for me!"

Rita gasped before asking, "Wait, what?"

Lynn Jr. complained, "I tried to call her three times. Told her, 'Hey, Lori, come pick me up!' No answer. So after the third strike, I decided she was out and ran the rest of the way home."

Lynn Sr., who had just returned to the dining room with a pen, laughed at Lynn Jr.'s pun before Rita glared at her, causing Lynn Sr. to clear his throat before assuring Lynn Jr., "I'll talk to her, sport."

Lynn Jr., however, assured Lynn Sr., "She said she needed to 'run some errands' today. Hey, as long as she's not in the stupid hospital with Bobby again, we're good." She then slammed a binder down on the dining table and urged her family, "Alright, let's get this meeting over with, losers! Here's the team's playbook! Coach said I need to study this whole thing by Friday!"

As soon as that happened, Lucy popped out from a vent above the dining room, saying, "You forgot me," causing everyone else present in the room to yelp in fright & alarm.

Luna yelled at Lucy, "Bogus, dude! You can't be sneaking up on people like that!"

Lucy deadpanned, "I'm doing a séance after this. Consider yourselves lucky I'm even entertaining this meeting with you freaks."

The rest of the Loud sisters glared at Lucy before yelling, "WHAT?!"

Luna added while glaring at Lucy, "Like you're one to talk, you fuckin' spooky freak!"

The rest of the Loud sisters yelled back, "YEAH!", causing Sam and Linda to gasp in shock.

Lucy growled, "Just because I enjoy the darkness does not make me a freak, you rockstar wannabe!"

Luna fired back, "It totally does, dude," to which Lola concurred, "Yeah, you're always creeping us out!"

The Loud siblings yelled again in unison and agreement, "YEAH!", further stunning Sam and Linda.

Lucy then fired back, "You guys are just as big of freaks as I am about your stuff!", causing the rest of the Louds to glare at her while Sam and Linda watched the argument in horror.

Rita and Lynn Sr. whispered to each other, "Oh no," as they saw the sisters glare at each other.

As Luna roared, "What's that supposed to mean, creepy?", Sam yelled, "LUNA! This isn't like you! Normally, I see you supporting your sisters' interests, no matter what they are! You even told me you'd 'let your sisters be themselves' because it makes them happy! Whatever happened to that?"

Lucy added, "Yeah. Just like with Lincoln and Princess Pony," causing the rest of the Loud siblings to break out into hysterical laughter.

Lynn Jr. mocked, "Princess Pony?! Stinkoln?! You can't be serious, Luce!"

Lucy spat back, "Yeah. Lincoln once told me it's even deeper and more profound than you fools ever gave it credit for."

At that, every single Loud briefly paused in stunned silence before laughing even louder at Lucy, while Linda and Sam glared at them.

Lucy sighed, "Go ahead, get it all out of your systems," as the Loud sisters continued to laugh.

Lola ridiculed, "Lincoln. Princess Pony. Deep," between laughs.

Lana mocked, "Coming… from the same… guy… who… READS COMICS IN HIS UNDER…", before continuing to laugh hysterically at Lucy.

Lisa derided, "The same imbecile who wears his underwear ON THE OUTSIDE!", before continuing to uncontrollably laugh.

Luan added, "And who clogged the toilet over it!"

To that, Lily replied, "Poo-poo," before continuing to laugh and clap her hands while Luan quipped, "Y-y-you said it, Lil-ster!"

Leni laughed, "Linky with his Princess Pony!"

Lynn Jr. jeered, "W-w-what a Lame-O! Both of you!"

Lynn Sr. yelled, "What a wuss!", between laughs.

Rita laughed, "I know, right?", further disgusting Linda and Sam.

The Louds were laughing so loudly that no one heard Mr. Grouse yelling from next door, "Louds, stop all that noise!"

After they were done laughing, Lynn Jr. got in Lucy's face and jeered, "Hey, hey, hey, guys… calm down," to which the rest of the Louds finally stopped laughing. When they did, Lucy thanked Lynn Jr. before Lynn Jr. said, "You know, I get where Lucy's coming from."

In shock, Lucy asked, "I am?"

Lynn Jr. responded, "Mm-hmm," before teasing, "Because she's in lo-o-ove with him!", to which the rest of the Louds resumed their laughter, with the rest of the Loud sisters even taunting, "Lucy and Lincoln sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in a baby carriage!", before the hysterical laughter resumed.

As the Louds continued to laugh, Luna wiped a tear from her eye before asking, "Hey, hey, how does that song go again?"

The rest of the Louds immediately started singing:

Linc's Princess Pony, Linc's Princess Pony
What is friendship all about?
Linc's Princess Pony, Linc's Princess Pony
A favorite sibling is magic

That was before their laughter continued for yet another couple of minutes, with Luna even calling Lincoln a "wussy baby faggot", causing even louder laughter amongst the remainder of the Louds. Lucy tried to tell the Louds, "Stop laughing," but when she noticed that no one was paying attention to her, she said, "Sigh."

As Sam and Linda watched the rest of the Louds laugh at Lucy, and Lincoln by proxy, through harsh glares, Sam noticed that Linda had her phone out. Deciding to look at what was on Linda's phone screen, Sam whispered knowingly, "You're recording all this, aren't you?"

Linda seethed, "Oh yeah," as they continued to glare at the Louds.

When Lucy noticed Sam and Linda talking amongst themselves, she walked up to them and whispered, "Hey… Sam, is it? Thanks for standing up for me."

Sam's facial expression softened at Lucy as she assured the goth, "No problem." Though she could barely be heard over the Louds' laughter, her soft smile told Lucy that she appreciated the compliment, despite her reservations towards the Louds.

(Scene Change: Sweetwater Manor)

As Brian, Becky, Paige, Lincoln, Melissa, Ronnie Anne, and Clyde watched the rest of the Loud sisters bully Lucy, Clyde said a horrified, "Bro, what the fuck?"

Lincoln asked, "What's up?"

Clyde told Lincoln, "Yo, not gonna lie to you, fam, a man like me thought Luna might sober up, ya know? Especially after she blessed mans at di SMOOCH show. But yo... she's just as big a cyattie as di rest of di gyaldem, styll."

Everyone in the room nodded in agreement.

(Time Skip: Loud House, 11:15 AM)

After wiping a tear from her eye and finally calming down after 10 straight minutes of hysterically loud laughter, Luna walked up to Lucy and said, "Hey, thanks for the laugh, Luce. We really needed that right now."

Lucy blankly said, "Gag."

Luna's face then darkened as she told Lucy, "See, that's the difference between your interests and Lincoln's interests. With Lincoln's stuff, we can all have a good laugh at him, you know? It brings us joy!"

Lynn Jr. scoffed, "Stinkoln brings you joy?! Ho-ho, that's a laugh!"

Luna glared at Lynn Jr., "That's not my point!", before turning to Lucy and explaining, "The difference between you and Lincoln is that Lincoln makes us laugh. You… you actually scare us."

Lucy said, "I know," to which Luna replied, "It starts with how you get around this house, dude! You can't be sneaking around the house jump scaring people!"

Lucy explained, "I do that because no one notices me."

Lynn Jr. yelled in response, "Because no one wants to notice you, spooky!"

Lucy gasped before snarling, "You take that back."

Luna then explained, "She's right, dude. You are into creepy stuff like death, funerals, and burying things alive! Don't think I don't remember that time you tried to bury our pets alive! Oh yeah, and what about that time you worked with Luan on April Fools' Day to bury us alive?!"

Lucy smirked, remembering, "Oh yeah. That. It was wicked."

Luna continued, "That's my point, sis! NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE, NAY, THIS WORLD, IS EXCITED BY DEATH BUT YOU! And THAT'S why everybody ignores you! THAT'S why you can't make real friends! No one would want to be around you if they're afraid of being killed by you just for your own thrills!"

Lucy quickly defended, "What about my Morticians' Club?"

Luna yelled, "Those creeps don't count! How long until they bury you, huh? To satisfy their own sick kicks? How long? I bet they're just waiting to do that!"

Sam scolded, "Luna…", but Luna interrupted her, "No, Sam. She's needed to hear this for years. Vampires of Melancholia? That's the lamest love story I've ever seen in my life! You cuddle with a bust of your favorite character from said show! You said you wanted to go to the beach… to see someone get attacked by sharks! I've lost count how many times you've bitten us with those fake vampire teeth! And that's not even counting all the times you try to talk to ghosts, dude!" Luna then growled at Lucy, "You know what, spooky… Lynn Jr. might be right. I think you put a demonic curse on Marcus Quick to have him rob our house and kill our pets."

The rest of the room gasped while Lucy growled, "You. Take. That. Back."

Luna said, "No. If it weren't for you, our pets would still be alive! Including Fangs!"

Lucy scoffed, "Rich coming from the girl who idolizes a man who bit a bat's head off!"

Luna gasped before sighing, "Just… just go, Lucy."

Lucy sighed, "Fine, this whole argument was a waste of my time, anyways."

As Linda and Sam continued to glare at the Louds, Linda told Lucy, "Stay."

Lucy quickly stopped, turned around, and said, "What?"

Sam supported Linda, "You heard Mrs. Sweetwater. Stay," causing the rest of the Louds to erupt in protest.

An annoyed Linda yelled, "QUIET!", causing the Louds to shut up. When they refused to do so, Linda said, "I… I…", not wanting to give her intentions away. But, seeing as the Louds were not listening to her, she realized she had no choice but to blurt out, "I'm… WRITING A NEWS STORY ABOUT THE SISTER FIGHT PROTOCOL!"

The rest of the Louds gasped at this before Luna asked, "News story? What news story? And how did you hear about our Protocol?"

The rest of the Loud sisters yelled in support, "Yeah!", before furiously glaring at Linda.

Rita chirped, "Oh, silly me, forgot to mention it!" She then stood up and explained to her family, "Mrs. Sweetwater here is looking to give me a full-time position on the Royal Woods Gazette if I publish a story on conflict management in a large family, and the Sister Fight Protocol will be the main focus of that article!"

The rest of the family gasped again before Lynn Jr. said, "Whoa-ho-ho! Are you serious!"

Linda said, "Dead serious!"

Lola scoffed, "Well, it's about time somebody gave the family the respect we deserve!" She then began to fantasize, "Ooh, mommy, if you write a good article, maybe I can get back into pageants!"

Lana mocked, "With your face messed up like that? Doubt it, Lols."

Lola growled at Lana, "Watch it," before rushing up to Rita and asking, "Anyway, Mommy, make sure to write the best possible story so we can get back in the town's good graces."

Rita tried to assure Lola, "Sweetie, I will…", before Lola interrupted her, gritted her teeth, grabbed her by her shirt collar, and yelled at her, "WRITE IT GOOD!"

Rita reassured Lola, "OK, OK! Jheez! I've got it, Lols!"

Lola slowly backed away from Rita while pointing to her eyes and then pointing to Rita before jumping back into her chair.

Linda then asked again, "So, how does the Sister Fight Protocol work?" She then looked to the table, noticed Lisa was missing, and asked, "Where's Lisa?"

Just as Linda asked that question, Lisa came downstairs wheeling a whiteboard. She told Linda, "I'm glad you asked. Allow me to explain it, Mrs. Sweetwater."

(Time Skip: 4:00 PM)

After spending the past 5 hours listening to stories from the Loud family about how Lincoln always messed with their plans, Linda had finally finished her article for the Royal Woods Gazette.

While Sam's jaw remained agape, Linda told the satisfied Louds, "OK, so let me read the article back to you."

The Louds nodded in satisfaction while Linda read the title: "Let Problem Children Experience Natural Consequences."

Linda then cleared her throat before reading the article Rita wrote:

"Today's world is filled with helicopter parents who insist on swooping every little obstacle and discomfort out of their babies' way to keep them as happy and healthy as possible. This approach is understandable when you're a mother of 1, 2, or even 3 children. But, as a mother of 11, there are times when you simply don't have the time or energy to make your children's lives perfect. In a large family, focusing on making one child happy may result in the others getting mad at both you, and that child.

The consequences of such an approach could be dire for everyone involved. Especially when the child you're trying to make happy is deemed a 'problem child' by the others.

As an example, my 10 daughters, in addition to numerous shopkeepers, city workers, teachers, and other parents and kids, have routinely complained to my husband, Lynn, and I, about the behavior of our only son, Lincoln.

For those of you who don't know, Lincoln is the 11-year-old middle child of our 11 kids, and only son. Because of this, he often feels like he doesn't get enough attention in the house. As a result, he tries to scheme his way into getting whatever he wants, often ending disastrously for all involved. We have tried telling him to be more considerate of his sisters, taking away his privileges, and even grounding him. He has to remember that there's 10 of them and only 1 of him. But Lincoln has never truly listened to us. In recent months, he's even cultivated the skill of pretending to listen to us and then doing whatever he wants, anyways, which has led to disaster after disaster in our household. After a while, we just gave up, and decided to let him face the natural consequences of his actions on his own.

The night before a road trip last summer, I heard loud fighting coming from our driveway, waking up the entire neighborhood. When Lynn & I walked to the driveway to investigate, we found out they were fighting in the van, after which we told them not to go to the van until 7 AM. Lo and behold, at 7 AM, all of our kids were fighting in the van again. This time, they destroyed it, forcing us to cancel the road trip and costing us thousands of dollars in repairs. Later that day, after another apparent argument started by Lincoln over the 'Sweet Spot' of the couch, our daughters told us that Lincoln convinced them all to take bad seats both in the van and on the couch so he could get the one he, and everyone else, wanted, known as 'The Sweet Spot.' Seeing as Lincoln started it, we let our daughters off their weekend-long punishment while making Lincoln serve his punishment in his room instead. And quite frankly, Lynn and I feel like that was a light punishment for destroying our beloved van."

Lynn Sr. cried, "It sure was! My sweet, beloved, VANZILLA!", before busting into hysterical tears as Rita consoled him, "There, there."

Linda glared at Lynn Sr. and Rita until they stopped crying. When they did, she continued, "There was also a time when Lincoln refused to do his chores, claiming that always taking out the trash was 'unfair' to him. So his sisters went on strike from their chores as well until they believed that Lily had disappeared underneath the pile of trash that consequently accumulated. Realizing that reasoning with them wouldn't work, we instead took Lily into our room and kept it clean while letting the rest of our kids figure it out themselves. When they did, we were proud of them for working it out. That is, until Lincoln led yet another chore strike demanding he and his sisters get paid for doing their chores."

Linda cleared her throat before continuing, "And then, a few days after that, we heard from our daughters that Lincoln kept interfering in their 'Sister Fight Protocol', which is basically: let the sisters cool off alone in rooms that they choose, and don't make any sudden noises or movements that could startle or provoke them. Apparently, Lincoln kept insisting that the two daughters who started the Sister Fight Protocol, Lori and Leni, talk it out, leading to more sisters joining in the fighting until all ten sisters were fighting each other, forcing us into our rooms to poop in a bucket, as the bathroom was occupied all weekend by decompressing sisters. And just when we thought it was over, Lincoln revealed mean things our daughters said about each other, forcing us to evacuate to our room and poop in said bucket for one more day."

Luan punned, "Talk about BUTTING OUT! Hahaha, get it?", before straightening her face and saying, "But seriously, he needed to butt out."

Linda then continued, "Just a few weeks ago, I saw that Lincoln was sitting around, playing video games all day. So, I signed him up for the football team. Of course, Lincoln got his sports-obsessed sister, Lynn Jr., to play football for him. Fortunately, the elementary school football coach, Coach Pacowski, found out quickly, as he easily identified Lynn Jr.'s eyes underneath the helmet, pushing her up to the middle school football team and Lincoln back onto the elementary school football team. In his first game, due to refusing to practice with his team, he ran into the wrong endzone, losing the game for his team and causing him to get beaten up by his teammates. We pulled him out of football after that, deeming it an 'appropriate punishment' for him."

Lynn Jr. growled, "Serves that useless, lazy, scheming jinx right!"

Linda suppressed another glare at Lynn Jr. before clearing her throat and continuing, "A week or so after that, Lincoln tried to tell Lisa, our 4-year-old genius daughter, to be 'average' so that he could avoid being made an outcast by the rest of his peers. Unfortunately, since Lisa's smarts help us with a lot of our daily tasks, we ended up being completely overwhelmed by life's demands. So, when a flu outbreak spread amongst the kindergarten student population and Principal Huggins complained to us about Lincoln's 'dumbing down' of Lisa's behavior, we considered grounding him. That was until Lisa told us that Lincoln convinced her to go back to being her usual self and vaccinate the kindergarteners to stop the outbreak, restoring his social standing and getting our lives back to normal."

Lisa exchanged dap-ups with the rest of her smug siblings as she recalled that memory proudly.

Linda then continued, "A few days after that mess, the school called me again, telling me that a significant portion of the student body at Lincoln's school were upset by Lincoln's sales tactics as the 'Girl Guru' for a school project. From what I heard, Lincoln decided to make it up to the students and teachers by having them throw pies at him, which saved his grade because from what some of the other kids' parents told me, they wanted to do that, anyways. I even heard some parents bragging to me about 'drive-by pieing' Lincoln, which I advocated for as a way to teach him not to scam people."

The Louds nodded proudly at that memory while the Loud sisters loudly proclaimed, "You know it!"

Linda looked to the next section of her paper, glared at the Louds so briefly they couldn't catch it, cleared her throat, and continued, "And just a couple of weeks ago, Lincoln kept insisting on getting out of going to our daughters' events by faking being 'bad luck'. We didn't know he was faking it at the time, so when our sisters started crying to us to not let Lincoln go to their events because he was 'bad luck', we rolled with it. This was especially true when we saw how much Lincoln seemed to enjoy the alone time. Eventually, we voted to let him sleep outside and get all new furniture, after he claimed that he was worried that his bad luck would spread to them through 'bad luck germ contact', as he called it. Apparently, Lincoln didn't like that, because after that, he admitted that he was faking it, we let him stay around us… but only in the squirrel mascot suit that he was in when Lynn Jr. won her baseball game."

Lynn Jr. grumbled, "Once a jinx, always a jinx," to which the rest of the Louds nodded in agreement.

Linda then cleared her throat before reading, "The point is, every time we've let Lincoln face the natural consequences of his actions, he's survived and learned his lesson. And sometimes, as parents, that's what you have to do: when you have a child who causes problems, you have to let them live and learn. You'll get more time and energy to take care of yourself, while they'll be more prepared when they enter the real world."

As Linda finished reading the article, she asked the Louds, "So, what do you think?"

Cheers of, "PERFECT!", rang throughout the room.

Linda chuckled, "Alright, alright." She then stood up, shook Rita's hand and told her, "Pleasure doing business with ya, Rita. I'm looking at the next parenting columnist of the Royal Woods Gazette!"

Rita gasped, "Really?!"

Linda said, "You bet!"

Rita squealed before saying, "Great! When do I start?"

Linda asked, "You still have that dental assistant job, right? With Dr. Feinstein?"

Rita informed Linda, "Yeah."

Linda then inquired, "What's your schedule?"

Rita told Linda, "You know, Monday-Friday, 10-6."

Linda pondered, "I can work with that," before proposing, "You can come in on Saturdays to write our parenting column for the Sunday paper. 10-6, how's that sound?"

Rita chirped, "Sounds like a deal! Thanks, Mrs. Sweetwater!", as the rest of the Louds squealed in excitement.

Linda said, "That's great!", before feeling her bladder fill up. When she did, she asked Rita, "Hey, uh, may I use your bathroom?"

Rita told Linda, "Sure, go upstairs, make a left… it's the furthest door down."

Linda replied, "OK, thanks!", before Lynn Jr. warned her, "I wouldn't go in there if I were you. Just took some Browns to the Super Bowl."

Linda chuckled, "I'll be fine… Lynn Jr., is it?"

Lynn Jr. boasted, "You know it!", before Linda waved goodbye at her. As Linda walked to the bathroom, she mumbled to herself, "I mean, I share a bathroom with Brian! How bad can it…", before opening the bathroom door and being overwhelmed by the smell. Linda gagged before shutting the door and walking back downstairs in silence with a disgusted look on her face. Sensing Linda's disgust, Rita asked, "You OK, Linda?"

Linda replied, "I-I can hold it in. Don't worry about it."

Lynn Jr. crossed her arms and smugly smirked, "Told ya."

Linda then walked back to her desk and began to pick up her things as she told Rita, "Well… looks like I should be going."

Rita offered to Linda, "Wait! Don't you wanna stay over for dinner? Lynn's making succotash!"

Linda assured Rita, "Thanks, but I'm good. You know, got stuff to do with the kids, with this paper you just gave me… I'll be on my way."

Sam then added, "Umm… yeah… I gotta go, too!"

Rita and Luna gasped before Luna asked, "You, too?"

Sam nervously said, "Umm… yeah! You know, homework, spending time with the fam… all that good stuff!" She then mimed pulling out her phone and checking her text messages before telling Luna, "Oh… my dad just texted me. Said he wants me home."

Luna sighed disappointedly, "Alright," before exchanging a hug with Sam and telling her, "It's been real." She then offered, "See you at school Monday?"

Sam smiled, "You bet!", before waving, "Bye, Luna!"

Luna waved back, "Bye, Sam!"

As Sam began to walk to the front door, she turned around and waved, "Bye guys! So nice meeting you!"

The Loud parents and the rest of the Loud sisters smiled and waved back, "Bye, Sam!", causing Sam to chuckle as she walked towards the front door.

By this time, Linda had picked up all of her stuff, and had also begun walking towards the front door. As she did, Rita called after her, "Well, bye, Linda! And thanks for the job!"

Linda replied, "You know it! See you next Saturday!"

Rita said back, "See you, too!"

Linda then saw Lynn Sr. approach her and waved to him, "Bye, Lynn!"

Lynn Sr. waved back, "Bye, Linda!"

After Linda exchanged goodbyes with the Loud parents, she started to slowly walk away from the house. As she did, Rita then told her kids, "Hey, say goodbye to Mrs. Sweetwater."

The Loud sisters immediately waved back cheerily, "Bye, Mrs. Sweetwater!"

Linda chuckled before waving back, "Bye, guys!" as she walked towards the front door.

As Linda met with Sam at the front door, they watched Lisa walk over to them, beaker in her hand. Lisa then warned Linda and Sam, "This is a vial of tetraethyl orthosilicate."

Linda nervously said, "Oh… o-o-ok."

Lisa replied, "Be warned, you two: if you alter the story in any way from what we have agreed to publish in the Gazette, you two, along with your entire families, will be subject to drinking extremely high concentrations of this substance. Unprotected inhalation of and/or contact with this chemical may result in respiratory irritation, and may also irritate or burn the skin and eyes. Do I make myself clear?"

As vapor rose out of the vial and clumped together into the shape of a swastika, Linda and Sam gulped while nodding fearfully as they tried to hold in their breath.

Lisa said, "Excellent. Now, begone. And remember what I said."

A creeped out Linda and Sam slowly backed away from Lisa before slamming the front door to the Loud House shut.

(Time Skip: Sweetwater Van, 10 minutes later)

Lindsay, Janie, and Julia's mouths remained agape at everything they had just heard from Linda and Sam about what happened in the Loud House.

Julia grumbled, "Wow. Luna's been 'meaning to say all that for YEARS?'"

Linda and Sam nodded, "Mm-hmm."

Janie crossed her arms and scoffed, "Unbelievable," with Lindsay growling, "I wonder what else they've been meaning to say for years."

Sam groaned, "My dad told me about… err… animals like the Louds."

Janie asked, "Animals? What do you mean, animals?"

Sam revealed, "My dad served in Rwanda." This caused everyone in the van to gasp before Sam assured them, "Before I was born!", causing them to breathe a sigh of relief.

Sam continued, "Anyway… he… saw things. He saw how the Hutu… uh… said mean things about the Tutsis to eventually justify killing them. They used to call the Tutsi 'cockroaches', and 'snakes', and threatened to 'cut down the tall trees,'" causing the rest of the van to gasp before Julia asked in horror, "B-b-but w-why?"

Sam explained, "I asked him the same thing. My dad told me, that some people commit atrocities to the point where they cannot be considered human anymore. And that just because they look human doesn't mean they are human. Such as, the guys who did September 11, and the guys who said mean things about the Hutus."

Lindsay asked, "But why? Why do the guys who said mean things about the Hutus not count as human?"

Sam bluntly responded, "They killed 500,000 people, Lindsay," causing the rest of the van to gasp as Lindsay stammered, "F-F-Five hundred thousand?!"

Sam grimly nodded, "Mm-hmm." She then explained, "They killed people indiscriminately. Didn't matter who you were. They killed babies, too," leaving the rest of the van in stunned silence. Sam then said, "My dad said, 'Human beings don't do stuff like that.' And looking at what I just saw from the Louds… the way Luna told Lucy the family would be better off without her, the way they laughed at Lincoln for liking Princess Pony, and what they said about Lincoln in a newspaper article that's about to go public… I seriously don't know if the Louds can even be considered human anymore. Shame, really. I was hoping Luna would be redeemable."

Lindsay scoffed, "After what she said? Fat chance! You know dang well Luna has a personality cult that makes people love her for how mean she is! All those rockstars do!"

Sam sighed in disappointment, "Carol was right. I should have listened to her."

Linda assured Sam, "Hey, it's OK," as they pulled into the hospital to drop Janie and Julia off for their brain scans. As Linda texted Jessie Rosato that her daughters were at Royal Woods Hospital, ready for their brain scan, she offered Sam, "We can still book you in for an appointment at the hospital. You wanna take it?"

Sam admitted, "I already checked. I'm clean."

Everyone else in the van gasped before Linda said, "That's good!", before asking, "You wanna come over to our house?"

Sam said, "Sure."

With that, the van set course for the Sweetwater home, where Sam and Lindsay would meet up with the rest of the co-conspirators.

(Scene Change: Loud House)

As Lisa slowly unloaded Lily's stuff from her room, Lynn Jr. came out and asked, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing moving Lily's stuff out of her room? And what are you doing in that hazmat suit?"

Lisa explained, "My parental units lectured me about my 'dangerous chemical experiments', so Lily has been forcibly removed from my room to keep her safe." She sighed, "Pity… I was actually going to do some experiments to help her."

Lynn Jr. pondered, "Hmm… makes sense. Who are you going to have her room with, though?"

Lisa thought about it before saying in realization, "Eureka! Fifth-eldest sibling unit, why don't we move Lily into your room?"

Lynn Jr. scoffed, "Really, egghead? You're rooming me with a baby? And robbing me of my fabulous, trophy-filled room? Why?"

Lisa said deviously, "You can turn her into Marcus Quick the Third."

Lynn Jr. grinned, "You had me at 'turning her into Marcus Quick!' Send her in!"

Lisa smiled, "Excellent!", before wheeling Lily's crib over.

Lily babbled, "Hi, Wynn!"

Lynn Jr. greeted, "Hey, Lily! You ready to have some fun with your big, sporty sister?"

In response, Lily clapped, babbled, and giggled, causing Lynn Jr. to chuckle as she lifted Lily out of her crib.

She poked Lynn Jr. in the nose as she said, "Good! First things first, we're turning you into Marcus Quick the Third! You know, after the OG Marcus Quick and me, Marcus Quick the Second."

Lily clapped, giggled, and babbled, "Kik! Kik! Terd! Hahaha!", as Lynn Jr. put her back in her crib and wheeled her to her room before also taking the rest of Lily's stuff with her to her room.

As she did, Lisa said to herself, "Perfect," before turning around and being greeted by an enthusiastic Lana. In response, Lisa sighed, "What is it, Lana?"

Lana asked, "Did you say, 'dangerous chemical experiments?'"

Lisa deadpanned, "Your hearing's working just fine. What do you want, Lana?"

Lana said, "I hope you're planning on using those chemicals against Marcus Quick."

Lisa scoffed, "Maybe. Why should I tell you?"

Lana snarled coldly, "Because if you don't, I'll tell everyone that you were in on the plot to kill our pets, or at least don't care enough about them. And that's after I thrash you. How would you like me to go Stampeding T-Rex mode on you?"

Lisa and Lana glared at each other menacingly. Seeing Lana refusing to back down, Lisa grumbled, "Go on."

Lana suggested, "Why don't we sneak into Marcus' house, behead him, and mount his taxidermied head in our room?! You said Marcus wasn't alone when he robbed the house, right? We could probably use your chemicals on the rest of them!"

Lisa then asked, "And what would you do with the bodies if we were to pull it off?"

Lana shrugged her shoulders, "I dunno. Cremate them and throw a party with their ashes, I guess."

Lisa sighed, "Lana, as much as I empathize with your plan for revenge, it is highly illogical and not thought out at all. I have a better idea."

Lana asked, "What could possibly be better than that?"

Lisa told Lana, "I'll show you. But be warned… you're going to have to be thoroughly decontaminated after this one."

Lana nodded gleefully as she watched Lisa look for what she wanted. When she found it, she said, "Aha, here it is!" She pulled out a vial of silver liquid with the radioactive and skull and crossbones symbol on it. She walked back to Lana with the vial and said dramatically as she held it out, "Behold!"

Lana scoffed, "Water?! Fat chance!"

Lisa said, "No, Lana. This is polonium. Remember our trip to the airport a couple of days ago?"

Lana responded, "Yeah," before suddenly remembering and gasping, "Wait, the one where we all had to wear hazmat suits?! This is what you were getting?!"

Lisa explained, "Precisely."

Lana asked, "And if we had to wear hazmat suits to get that stuff… oh my god… we could kill him!"

Lisa said, "Not just could we kill him… we could make him suffer."

Lana, now grinning evilly, asked, "Suffer? How are we going to make him suffer?"

Lisa wistfully sighed before pulling out a chair and telling Lana to sit down. As Lana obliged, Lisa walked to her computer and typed in a few keystrokes to get the file she wanted.

As she opened the PowerPres presentation, she dimmed the lights before pointing to the picture of a handsome, fair-skinned man with dirty blonde hair and dark blue eyes, and explained, "This is Alex Litvinenko. Former Russian spy who defected to become an English spy. On November 1, 2006, after meeting with other Russian agents, he began vomiting and developed bloody diarrhea, and was hospitalized the next day after he could no longer walk without assistance."

Lana immediately cheered, "Bloody diarrhea? Ho-ho-ho… Lise… those Russian agents are brutal!"

Lisa knowingly smirked at Lana before panning over to the next slide, which showed a picture of Litvinenko on his death bed. This picture of Litvinenko showed him gaunt, frail, and completely bald while in intensive care. Lisa then explained, "After 3 weeks of deteriorating conditions and increasingly excruciating pain, Alex died on November 22. His murder has never been officially solved."

Lisa then turned on the lights before smugly asking, "So, what do you think, Lana?"

Lana evilly said, "Love it! Can we kidnap and torture him?"

Lisa explained, "Not while he's radioactive, lest we become infected ourselves."

Lana then asked, "Then why don't we just break into the house and kill him? 3 weeks is a long time to wait!"

Lisa explained, "Look, I'm all for kidnapping and torturing Marcus Quick. But, I want you to think about this: he's a multi-millionaire, he's the most famous sports star on the planet, and at least Lynn Jr. practically worships him. If we make it obvious that we killed him… in addition to the outcry against our family, Lynn Jr. will probably hate us forever. That is, if we can even get to him."

Lana asked, "What do you mean? Of course we can get to him! We're the Louds! And you're… well… Lisa!"

Lisa said, "True," before explaining, "But like I said… it's my suspicion that Marcus didn't act alone. And with how thoroughly they emptied the house of its possessions last night, I have reason to suspect that we could be dealing with expert, career criminals here who would stop at nothing to defend their 'golden goose.'"

Lana asked, puzzled, "What?"

Lisa elaborated, "The guy that pays them."

Lana said, "Oh," in realization.

Lisa then explained, "Even if we all came to the Quick manor armed, he'd still probably have private armed security and other things like that, which would put us at risk of being tortured and kidnapped. Plus, you know what they did to the Loud pets after meeting us. Imagine what they'd do to us if we attacked them. Besides, we might not even need to go to his house for this to work."

Lana asked, "Not go to his house? What do you mean?"

Lisa pointed out, "Well, from what we've heard from Lynn Jr., Lori, and Leni, we know Marcus Quick likes to party, right?"

Lana said, "Yeah."

Lisa said, "Then, all we have to do is study his daily routine, get someone to 'accidentally' drop some of, erm, our 'flavoring', into his drink at one of his parties, and watch him rot from the inside out."

Lana offered, "You know what… I've been studying Marcus' daily schedule, based on his social media accounts, the Detroit Lions' 2016 schedule, and what I remember from what Lynn Jr. used to tell us. Maybe… I can help you with that?"

Lisa scoffed at Lana, "You?!" She then laughed at Lana before saying, "Don't make me laugh."

Lana challenged, "Why don't you just come downstairs and see what I've been working on?"

Lisa said, "Seeing as I have nothing better to do to entertain myself, I'll humor you."

Lisa then followed Lana downstairs to the garage, where she saw Lana's room. She observed everything and blankly said, "I'm impressed, Lana. Looks like you're on the mission."

Lana gasped, "I am?!", before pulling Lana into a hug and cheering, "Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU!"

Lisa assured, "No problem, Lana." She then took a look at Lana's room and said, "I may need your furniture in order to make this work, so that I have a reference guide. How about, say, permanent living arrangements."

Lana chortled, "Ho-ho-ho… you're on!"

Lisa smiled, "Excellent! I'll get Todd to help you move your things, and we'll go from there!"

Lana asked, "Todd? Who's Todd?"

Lisa explained, "My prototype robot."

Lana gushed, "Coooooool," before pulling her Detroit Lions calendar off her bedroom wall and following Lisa upstairs with it.

Closing A/N: Wow… this was a doozy to write! I was down with a nasty stomach bug & I had to do some stuff for this new job I just got hired for, so I couldn't come out with the goodies as quickly as I wanted to. Even then, this was a big chapter for me to write. There were a few different ways I originally opened it, before realizing it was plot-irrelevant, and just… man!

A/N 2: So, the room situation is as follows: Lisa & Lana will sleep in Lisa's room, & Lola, Luan, & Lori have their canon rooms. Leni's sleeping in the attic, Luna's sleeping in the basement, Lynn Jr. and Lily are sleeping in Junior's canon room, and Lucy's sleeping in Lincoln's former closet. This will be the Louds' room situation until further notice.

A/N 3: I wanted to focus more on the fighting, but realized I couldn't develop the plot that I wanted, with the main goal of having Linda publish Rita's negative news story on Lincoln, and have enough room in this chapter to dedicate to the fighting without making it overly long.

A/N 4: In The Loud House's universe, I'm making it that U.S. forces helped in Rwanda during the 1994 genocide. Hence, why Sam says her dad served in Rwanda.

A/N 5: Big shoutout to vivi1709 on DeviantArt for drawing a bunch of pictures related to this story! Go check out that account, you'll LOVE what you see! Will help paint the picture of the story! Dang it, I'm turning into Luan.

A/N 6: Bolt's practically on the money with Chapter 24. Shoutout to him.

A/N 7: Also, a lot of press is going to Scoots' death, and that was a bit part at the end of Chapter 24! Not bad!

Anyway, what will Linda do with Rita's story? Will Janie and Julia make it back home in one piece? Will Lisa's plan succeed? And what do the co-conspirators at home think of what's happened inside the Loud House? Stay tuned to find out the answer to all these questions and more!