10 Jan 1999

Hermione opened her eyes, grateful to be in Severus' arms as the events of the last two days — the last six months — came back to her. She was equal parts overwhelmed and calm.

She'd always been good at compartmentalising her feelings and if she didn't think about her time as a Death Eater, and only thought about Severus, she stayed calm. She knew he and Dumbledore were right though; she needed to watch the memories and face her trauma as soon as possible. She didn't want to end up like her dad's uncle who had fought in World War II, never talked about it, and became a grumpy alcoholic who couldn't deal with the things he'd seen.

But she wasn't sure if she could deal with everything she'd done. She looked at the man sleeping beside her.

Had she been any better than Bellatrix?

Knowing what the necklace would do to him, she'd approached him, basically forced her way into his office, refused to leave, and then seduced him. All whilst he was under the influence of powerful Dark Magic. That was the first time, every time since then had been consensual, but did that matter? Had she raped him the same way Bellatrix had raped her?

"I can hear you thinking," Severus said, causing her to jump. "What's on your mind so early in the morning?"

"Do you feel like I took advantage of you?" she asked quietly. "The day Katie was cursed?"

He was quiet for a long time and her anxiety started to rise before he took her hand and pulled her tighter against him. "I think you used the necklace to your advantage. And had I not been around it, I would have told you no like I had been doing for the weeks leading up to that event. Not because I didn't want you, but because I didn't want to be the professor that slept with their student, R.A.V.E.N. level or not. I wanted to say yes to you since the first time you approached me. The Dark Magic just made it easier to give in. We know you did that because you were told to. And I could have said no to every other time after that."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because once I had you, once I felt how perfectly you fit in my arms, I didn't want to. I'm a weak man, Hermione. And even though I wanted you, I should have noticed that you weren't acting like yourself. You never would have approached me if you were in your right mind. I'm too old for you, too ugly, too–"

She cut his negative self talk off with a kiss. "You're not weak, Severus. You're the strongest man I know. And you're not ugly. It's okay if you wanted comfort. Will you forgive me?" She hated that her voice sounded small, but it couldn't be helped.

"I will forgive you anything, little witch," he told her firmly. "I know without a doubt that had you been in your right mind, you would not have acted that way back in October."

Hermione looked him over before pressing her head into his chest and breathing in deeply. She didn't deserve to have him by her side. She had done so many things wrong the last few months and she hadn't even shown him the worst parts yet. The parts she was refusing to think about. Knowing she couldn't delay any longer, she got out of bed. Dobby had brought her clothes of her own to change into and she grabbed them before making her way into the bathroom.

She needed a hot shower, lots of coffee, and some toast if she was going to make it through the next few hours. And hopefully, she would still have Severus at her side when it was all over.

She was pulling memories from her head at random and putting them into the Pensieve when Severus joined her in his sitting room. She tried not to think too deeply about what she was taking out, letting them slip from her mind before she had time to analyse what they contained. It was best if she waited until she was in her memories with him.

"That is probably enough," he told her, coming to stand next to her. "Did you put them in any kind of order or is it random?"

"Random." She explained that she didn't want to think about the memories too much and he pulled her into his arms, kissing the top of her head.

"I understand. I have done many things as a Death Eater that I would rather not think about. I will say this now, and any other time you need a reminder; I know what you're going through. I know the suffering. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you didn't choose to be a Death Eater."

"Will you tell me why you joined?"

He gave her a hard look that she couldn't interpret but nodded. "I'm not sure you'll understand my reasoning, but we will discuss it once you're up to it. Are you ready?"

Looking from him to the Pensieve, she took a deep breath and nodded. There was no time like the present. They each touched the surface of the liquid and were pulled inside her memories. As soon as they landed in the stone circle of Malfoy Manor, Snape took her hand.

They watched in silence as Draco and Lucius enacted the blood rites then brought her forward. Snape sucked in a breath as Hermione cut her hand but didn't say anything until she was done having her runes painted on.

"What is this ritual?" Severus asked. "I'm not familiar with it."

"It is a Malfoy family one," she explained. "Lucius asked me to help him with it. It was to help Draco become the best and strongest version of himself. All three of us did it."

"Did it change anything?"

She watched as Lucius and Draco began to enter her body as she thought about his question. It was surreal to be watching herself having sex with two men whilst trying to have an intellectual conversation.

She'd always wondered what it would be like to have a threesome and it still felt a little odd to her that she had been in one. As well as having sex with more than two people at a time. Watching herself glowing in the faerie light, wrapped in Lucius and Draco's arms, she felt her knickers dampen. Even if they weren't the men she preferred, she looked so natural between them in the throes of passion.

Watching her memories, she could see how Bellatrix had taken her secret fantasies and exploited them so she didn't hesitate when given the opportunity to act on them. How often had she fingered herself thinking about fucking the man next to her? The taboo of sleeping with a professor had fueled her fantasies for years, but she never would have acted on it. Or her desire to be watched. Maybe it would have been something she tried with a trusted partner, but not with just anyone.

And now she was in a strange place where she was turned on watching herself fuck a father and son and wanted nothing more than to take Severus and lay him down on the grass next to them and fuck him too. Her memory self cried out in pleasure, pulling her from her thoughts.

"I noticed that… I wish you could pause memories," she growled. "It's very distracting."

Severus gave a light chuckle and waved his hand. The memory paused and she was thankful that if they had to look at her sandwiched between two men at least she looked good.

"Sorry, I didn't think about that. You were saying?"

"There were a few things I noticed. First, when we finished, I blacked out or something. I'm not really sure. But I saw my maternal grandmother. She told me to stay strong because it was almost over. Now, I'm thinking she was talking about Bellatrix's control over me. The ritual slowly increases your access to your own magic over two weeks. I have been having strange dreams since then, almost like flashes showing me things weren't right. And my mind was a swirling mess."

"Has that improved?" Severus asked her.

"Yes. I'm overwhelmed with the knowledge I have but I feel… in control of my thoughts," she explained. "Now, everything is my own and I can sort through it without issue."

"I have a few questions about Draco, but I will save them until we're done watching your memories. Do you want to skip the rest of this one?"

Hermione nodded. "This is one of the tame ones and one I don't mind keeping in my head."

"Want to remember fucking those Malfoy men?" he teased her.

"Ha ha. I'm not fucking them. At least not this time. This is sex magic. It's different." She shrugged.

She couldn't explain it properly, but this memory was special to her. It had nothing to do with Draco or Lucius. It had everything to do with the fact that she had practised old magicks. Being able to perform a ritual like that was something sacred. And it wasn't done for nefarious reasons. It was to bring out the best of each of them.

The memories swirled around them, but each time it landed on a raid where Hermione had killed someone, Severus quickly moved them along. She sobbed into his chest with each one, horrified at what she'd done. Her only saving grace was that in those memories, unlike the one they'd watched with Draco and Lucius, she felt detached from what she was watching. Like it wasn't her in the memories.

The memory from Halloween weekend started and they let it play as they walked through the strip club. As they followed her memory self and Lucius into the VIP lounge, Hermione was surprised to find that her memory of this one was closer to the feeling of the Yule memory. She wasn't detached from it at all. If anything, watching her kill the horrible men in the room filled her with a sense of righteousness.

"What are you feeling?" Severus asked, pausing the memory as she and Lucius exited the club.

She explained how the memory of this and Yule were different before continuing. "I wonder if it's because this and the ritual are more me than the rest?"

"How so?"

"I'm not sure I would have chosen Draco and Lucius in the past, but I wouldn't hesitate to participate in a ritual like that, no coercion required. And whilst I don't believe in murdering people, I don't feel bad about what I did to those… monsters." She pointed over her shoulder to the door that led to the room full of drugged women. "No one that is willing to enter a place like that deserves to live."

"I agree with you. I think you did the world a favour."

He skipped past the rest of the memory and the scene changed to her in the bathroom with Narcissa and Bellatrix on Mabon. He growled as the rat was revealed and she asked him to pause the memory.

"Severus? Why do you hate Pettigrew so much?" she inquired. "I know most of the Death Eaters didn't like him, but I heard you really hated him."

He took a deep breath and told her about knowing Wormtail at Hogwarts. She listened as he confessed that he had been the one to overhear the partial prophecy and relay it to the Dark Lord. She squeezed his hand as he explained his relationship with Lily and how the witch had been his only real friend, especially in the Muggle world. It hurt her heart when he told her that Lily had been the only woman he had ever loved.

She knew it was selfish and she knew she didn't deserve the man next to her, but she wanted him to feel that way about her. Even if she wasn't sure how she felt about him.

"I didn't know Wormtail was a Death Eater," he told her. "No one did. By the time he joined, I had already switched sides and was a spy. I would have told Dumbledore. There is no way I would have kept it to myself knowing that he had access to Lily. You have to believe me."

"I do believe you. So he is the reason you lost your best friend? That's why you hate him?"

"I hated him because he was a Marauder. Selling not only Lily but James, his so-called brother, out to the Dark Lord was unforgivable. I know I haven't made the best choices in my life, but you don't betray your friends."

"I agree," she said firmly. "I think you might like this next part."

Hermione already knew that she wouldn't feel detached from this memory. Not only was Pettigrew a horrible person for what he had done to James, Lily, and Harry, he had been responsible for bringing Voldemort back, and he had killed Cedric Diggory. And then there were the things she found out from Ginny. About how Scabbers used to watch her in the bath and how Molly complained about the same thing. And he never changed. He still watched women bathe right up until she caught him. Add that to the fact that he allowed Sirius to rot in Azkaban for over a decade, leaving Remus to transform on his own, she still didn't think he deserved to live.

She knew in her heart that had she been in her right mind she would not have killed him, but she didn't feel bad that he had died. Knowing that his death helped strengthen Voldemort was a different story though. The only peace she could find in the act was that Wormtail had been killed instead of an innocent Muggle.

The memory around them was still playing and they watched as she, Narcissa, and Bellatrix entered the stone circle. Snape pulled her to lean back into his chest, wrapping his arms around her waist and setting his chin on the top of her head. When Wormtail was killed he squeezed her tighter and kissed her cheek.

"I didn't know he was dead," he said, breathlessly. The Pensieve spit them out, her memories over, and he kept her in his arms. He had taken them out of the memory before the orgy had begun and she didn't know if he didn't want to see it himself or if he didn't want her to have to watch it. "I just thought he was off doing something else."

"Are you okay?" She turned in his arms, hugging him tightly.

"Am I okay? You have no idea how long I have wanted that fucking rat to be killed."

"You're welcome then."

He gave her an incredulous guffaw before they both began laughing. Hermione was emotionally drained, and she didn't know what else to do but laugh. Everything seemed surreal to her again. Like the memories she'd just finished still belonged to someone else. She thought it might be better that way, but she wasn't sure. When their laughter subsided, she kissed his chest.

"Will you take a bath with me, Severus?"

"Hermione, I'm not sure that's a good idea. You're no longer under the influence of the potion and–"

"And I still want you. I'm not asking for sex, just a bath. I… I have feelings for you. I'm not sure what they are yet and I will need time to sort things out, but I want to be with you. Even if we're only friends."

He gave her a long look and tucked her wild curls behind her ear. She didn't know what he was thinking and wished she was brave enough to ask him. Before they watched the memories he had said he wanted her. She could only hope that he still did after what they'd just witnessed. Because she still wanted him. She would wait, but she didn't think that her desire for him would dissipate.

"I want you too, little witch," he finally told her. "But we're not jumping back into bed together. We'll go slow and wait until you're ready."

"Thank you."

As they lay in his large tub, Severus told her all about his childhood in Cokeworth and the choices he had made that put him on the path to becoming a Death Eater. Hermione admired him for not sugar-coating or excusing his decisions. He knew what he had done was wrong and was trying to make up for it now.

The idea of willingly choosing to follow the Dark Lord was so foreign to her. He had been a few months younger than she had been before the ageing potion and she knew could never have made that choice herself. But then she reminded herself that she had been raised in a loving home with every opportunity available to her. She had parents who loved and supported her. If she hadn't gotten into Hogwarts, she would have attended the same secondary school her father had in London. It had taken a few months to make friends after arriving at Hogwarts, but she had good friends here.

Snape had come from the slums, been treated like shite by his father, then come to Hogwarts where the same thing happened to him from people at school. Going home for the summer hadn't stopped the bullying; it just changed from classmates to father and back again when he returned. And then his only friend had broken off their friendship.

She could see Lily's point of view, even if she didn't agree with it. She would like to think she would have forgiven him, but she wasn't the same person as Lily so she couldn't say for sure. And regardless, she liked the man Severus was today. And every choice he had made shaped him into that man.

"Hermione," Snape said, pulling her from her thoughts.

"Yes?"

"Do you think that Draco was given potions?"

She thought about it for a moment. The person she was under Bellatrix's influence was so different from who she normally was. Everything from how she dressed to how she acted was almost the opposite of how she was in her real life. She tried to think about the Draco she knew before the summer and the Draco she knew now, but she couldn't see much difference. He was still a purist, arrogant, and wanted to prove himself.

"I don't think so," she told him. "I don't see much difference in his behaviour. He's stressed this year, but basically the same."

"You don't find it odd that after seven years of hating you, calling you a slur, all of a sudden he has no problems fucking you?"

"He's a teenage boy, Severus. Or a twenty-one year old man, I guess. But still, do they really care who the vagina is attached to? Did you?"

He gave a short laugh. "Not really, but Draco is different. He holds onto grudges and you broke his nose. He wouldn't just get over that. Especially after you and your friends are the reason his father, his idol, was sent to Azkaban for years."

"I hadn't thought about that," she admitted. "You might be right."

She racked her brains trying to see if there were signs that Draco had changed beyond how he acted with her physically. She couldn't see any, but she didn't know him as well as Snape did. But then she thought about what Harry had told her about the night of the R.A.V.E.N. party. How Draco had fought with Snape, his favourite teacher, how he had been avoiding him all year. That wasn't the Draco she thought she knew. The Draco of old would have trusted Severus, not questioned his motives.

She explained her theory to Severus.

"I'm in agreement with you," he told her. "I think we need to give him the antidote as well. If he hasn't been potioned by Bellatrix, it won't hurt him."

"What happens if we're summoned? The Dark Lord said he wouldn't, that he'd see us at Easter, but I don't know."

"Hopefully that doesn't happen. Typically if he says he won't summon you, he won't. For now, we need to get Draco some help, you will need to meet with Dumbledore and see how to proceed. Hopefully, this will be a wake-up call to Draco and he will take the protection the Order can offer him."

"I want to tell Harry everything," she said firmly.

Not only did she think he should know because of how it changed the war, she thought he had a right to know what she'd done to the man who had betrayed his parents. She prayed that her friend, her brother, would forgive her for her actions. She knew they hadn't really been her actions, but Bellatrix working through her, but it was still her body, her wand, that had done so many horrible things.

"I don't know." He was quiet for a moment and she let him think. "I can understand why you think he should know what happened, but the Dark Lord still has access to his mind."

"True, but Dumbledore doesn't think he'll use that connection. He's giving Harry private lessons, teaching him all about the Dark Lord's past and about Ho– other things. He wouldn't be doing that if he thought the connection was being used. According to Harry, the Dark Lord hasn't used that connection since the end of our fifth year. If he hasn't done it in two and a half years, why would he start now? Plus, Harry deserves to know."

"No one deserves anything from you, Hermione. Especially when what happened was so traumatic. If you want to tell him, that's one thing, but you shouldn't do it out of guilt or obligation."

They went back and forth, debating the pros and cons of telling Harry about everything that had happened. In the end, they decided that it was best to wait a few days for Hermione to fully process what she'd gone through, help Draco, and talk to Dumbledore.

She knew that no matter what the Headmaster or Snape thought, she was going to tell him. It wasn't because of guilt. Harry was her brother and she wanted to share that part of herself with him, wanted him to know what she'd gone through. She didn't know if she would be able to heal if she didn't talk to him about it.

Getting out of the bath, she watched Severus get dressed for bed, thankful that he was allowing her to stay with him one more night. As he slipped his sleep bottoms on she felt her body temperature rise and a throbbing between her thighs began. He was so sexy to her and she wanted nothing more than to press him into the mattress and ride his cock until he spilt inside her.

Even with everything she had gone through and how much she had to process, she still desired him.

The image of his face in the throes of passion was something she wanted to see again and she thought that maybe the sex drive she'd had was her own and not something Bellatrix had created. Sure, she wasn't the type to sleep with random men like she had been doing, but her libido when it came to Severus had not cooled at all. And it wasn't as if her desire to be with more than one person hadn't been there before. Bellatrix had just removed all the mental blocks she had put up. That little voice that said it wasn't proper to act like that.

She knew she needed to wait to have sex with Severus again. The potion was completely out of her body according to his test, but she knew it would be best to wait a while before approaching him.

But just because she knew it, didn't mean she liked it.

Mentally calculating how long she thought it would take for Severus to be okay with the physical side of their relationship again, she signed internally. Bloody man was probably going to make her wait until the school year was over. She'd have to invest in a lot of sex toys if that was the case. There was no way she'd survive if she didn't get sexual release.

"You coming to bed, little witch?" Severus asked, looking at her like this wasn't the first time he'd addressed her.

"Sorry, lost in my head for a moment," she told him. She pulled on a pair of knickers and summoned one of his old shirts. Crawling under the duvet, she snuggled up with him. "Thank you for letting me stay."

"You'd be here every night if I had my way."

With a soft kiss to the top of her head, what she had now decided was her favourite thing in the world, he bade her goodnight and she closed her eyes, drifting off to sleep. She was safe in his arms.