The days passed quickly, melting into moons, like the very fabric of time was breaking.
Shadow, for once in the past 14 moons, had no goal. Thus, he had a lot of time to think over the three moons that had been passing.
As much as he hated to admit it, the twinge of guilt he'd felt at the conclusion of the battle had festered, not only just being a slight pang, but not a constant topic on his mind. As much as his mind lectured him they deserved it, his heart held a pain that denied that. What had he become?
He, Shadow, had made himself what he'd always wished for: a leader, a name to be feared, he made him himself.
But by now, he wasn't even sure who that was anymore.
He was someone who would be remembered, sure. But did he truly want to be remembered for what he'd done? Was it worth the pain he had caused to the Clan for a stupid defensive mistake on his part?
Shadow thought back to the cats who had died in the fight. There was actually a lot more than he had initially realized. Besides Tawnystar, there was Thorntail, who had been guarding the camp that night. Frogpelt, the older serene warrior, who never wanted to bother anyone. Dawnflower, whose death was clear in his mind, and had done nothing to deserve it. Leafblossom, the gentle but protective queen, who wanted nothing but light for her kits, who were now without a mother. Pondpaw, the kind and sympathetic apprentice, who was always optimistic and seemed to spread this happiness wherever he went. Minnowheart, the steel-hearted brave senior warrior, who would do anything for her Clan. And Fernpaw, the inquisitive young she-cat, whose only fault was being curious. He felt a lash of guilt at every name.
Despite his constant condolence that they deserved their death, they really didn't. In fact, hardly any of them had even affected Shadow's life negatively, and a few of them only wanted to make it better.
He closed his eyes tight before any sign of emotion could betray him. Regret barraged against him like waves. He thought of the families his selfish goal had torn apart. He'd shown cats who barely affected him no mercy.
And now, they were gone, and he could never take it back.
His mind reminded him of the constant they deserved it. But he shut that voice out. They didn't deserve it. Vengeance was wrong. His actions, and his actions alone had caused him to be exiled. It wasn't Tawnystar's fault, or any of the other's. It was his. And despite his longing to erase emotions, he wanted the Clan back.
He wanted a home back.
He wanted cats to live in harmony, helping each other, and making friendships.
He wanted to be Shadowpaw again.
He wanted his sister back.
He wanted to feel love again.
He opened his eyes, the emerald green orbs filled with a sudden determination.
He would make things right.
Shadow stepped out of the leader's den and addressed the group, who formed like they'd been taught to do.
"I'd like for you all to go back to how you were before this group. If you were a kittypet, go back to your housefolk. If you were a rogue or a loner, leave this territory. Vengeance is disbanding." His voice echoed around the clearing, and his green eyes dared anyone to defy him.
Once they'd all left, he'd go to wherever BrookClan was residing, and ask them to return. Tell them he felt sorry, and hope he could join again. He didn't want to think if they said no. Blinking, he cleared his head of thoughts of the future.
A few of the cats seemed happy to leave, while some eyed Shadow with contempt.
He didn't care. He was going to see Meadowpaw again.
Eventually, there was only one cat left standing. Shadow blinked. Why hadn't they left yet? Then his eyes focused. Elixir. The silky she-cat was sitting exactly where she'd been, a smooth smirk on her face.
He jumped down from the path and narrowed his eyes. "I asked you to leave, Elixir."
Her blue eyes met his with an unmatched chill. "Vengeance is disbanding. You can no longer tell me what to do. In fact-" she stood up, beginning to circle him, "-it sounds like you're giving up. Do you want to go back to your weak little Clan?"
Shadow bristled. "Leave, Elixir."
The she-cat paused, then pounced on the darker tom. "I don't think I will." Shadow was caught off guard, then quickly retaliated.
' The two experienced cats exchanged blows, the fight becoming lethal, with both cats aiming to kill. Each of their strokes was smooth and clean, the fighting tactic of two well-practiced fighters. Elixir spoke while she fought, taunting the tom. "Are you scared of the pathetic Clan cats? You're worse than I though. Who would think that the infamous Shadow would be a coward?"
Shadow dived forward, rage making his attack clumsy. Elixir snaked around to his side, slicing his shoulder with her claws and pinning him. A look of fear crossed his face. Elixir was a skilled killer. And now she had pinned him.
"I trusted you," she hissed, her voice coiling, "Thought you could understand. Thought you were devoted. I was wrong. You're nothing but a weak. Pathetic. Coward."
Her tone was laced with malice.
And then she did it. Her paws swiped across his throat.
And the pain exploded within him.
Elixir stepped away, shooting him a hateful look before leaving the clearing.
His eyes were still bright with shock. He could feel the blood seeping into his pelt, and he already knew it was too late. Colors faded, exploded into brightness, then faded again.
He was dimly aware of time passing, but could feel nothing.
His eyes were drifting shut, and then- "Shadowpaw?"
A small voice came, but it sounded strange and echoey.
"Shadowpaw!"
Louder this time. His eyes snapped open.
"Meadowpaw?" he said softly, and his voice felt like it was grinding on sandpaper.
"Shadowpaw!" the silvery she-cat's tear-stained face filled his vision. Birchfrost was there too.
Or, he guessed, it was Birchstar now.
He smiled a bit. It didn't matter anymore. His sister was here. And he loved her. Birchstar stared at him, as if in shock. Shadowpaw met his gaze, tears etched in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he managed, and truly meant it.
"Shadowpaw," the older tom said, "Is it true you fought off Elixir and wanted to come back to us?"
"Yes," he whispered. It was getting difficult to speak now.
Birchfrost's gaze filled with a sympathy. Shadowpaw was confused. Shouldn't he be angry? Shadowpaw had killed the one he cared for. But instead, Birchfrost looked into his eyes with a strength only Shadowpaw could recognize as...forgiveness.
"Then, for your strength, bravery and heart, do you promise to protect your Clan with your life.
Shadowpaw stared at him realizing what was happening.
"I do," he said, roughly. "Then by the power given to me by StarClan, I deem you Shadowfern. I hope the fern means you are at peace." The older tom gave a slight smile.
Shadowpaw began to tear up again, but this time, with a thanks for the leader. It meant the world to him. He could be accepted.
The world went fuzzy and his head dropped, arcing towards the sky that was becoming dotted with stars.
Meadowpaw's gaze filled with grief. "No! Please, don't go!" she sobbed, and Shadowpaw's heart filled with a love for her once more.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I love you."
And as the light faded from his eyes, he gasped, "The stars... I can see them again. Were they ever so bright?"
And then it was gone. All that was left was the endless starscape reflected in the emptiness of his green eyes as Shadowfern finally felt peace.
perhaps love really can change destiny