13 Jan 1999
Thanks to Dobby bringing her clothes, Hermione was able to go down to breakfast in her school uniform. As she walked into the Great Hall, she was pleased to see Harry sitting with Ron and Ginny as they ate. If Harry did end up hating her, at least he wouldn't be alone. No matter how he felt about her, he was her best friend and she just wanted him to be happy. And alive… for now, and for a long time if it was up to her.
She was terrified to tell him that Dumbledore was raising him to die. But no matter what the Headmaster had planned, she was going to fight to keep him alive.
"Hey, Hermione," Harry greeted her as she sat down across from him and Ron and next to Ginny.
"Good morning," she answered him but looked at the other two. She wasn't sure how to open the communication with Ron and was being chicken enough to hope he'd start it. "How are you?"
"I'm fine," Ginny said. "These two idiots are arguing over which Quidditch team is better, the Cannons or the Wasps. By the way, the correct answer is Gryffindor. We're better than either of those teams. Hell, our reserve players are better. How are you, Hermione?"
Spooning eggs onto her plate, Hermione laughed at Ginny. It was nice that her friends were still able to live a semi-normal life even during the war.
"I'm well, Gin. Have you started studying for your N.E.W.T.s yet?"
"I put together my study guide last night, but I need to go over it again because I think I forgot something."
"I have mine from last year in my dorm if you want to borrow it. It might help."
Ginny thanked her for the offer and said she'd come by to collect it after classes. Hermione heard Ron and Harry calling the two of them mental for being so organized with their studying, but she didn't pay them any mind. The boys might complain about her studying habits but they never complained when their grades came in. And when they'd received their N.E.W.T. results — an E or better in every subject — they had told her they wouldn't have graduated without her help.
She allowed herself to push all of the anxiety she had about talking to Harry to the back of her mind as they ate. She would talk to him tonight, but for now, she just wanted to be with her friends. A few moments of normalcy before she opened her tube of flobberworms.
As soon as their last class of the day was over, they went to dinner and Hermione picked at her food as she thought about the conversation she would have to have with Harry later. At first, she had thought it was best to talk to him alone and once he had calmed down she would talk to Ron and Ginny. If everything went smoothly, it would be easier to talk to Ginny and Ron with Harry on her side.
But the more she thought about it, the more she thought that she should talk to Ginny first. Harry might have a part of the Dark Lord's soul in him, but Ginny had been possessed for hours at a time over the course of eight months. She, more than anyone, knew what it was like to do something that you had no control over.
It was a gamble — Ginny could be as hot-tempered as Ron — but once she was on your side, she was your fiercest ally. And that is what she would need. If Hermione could convince Ginny, it would go a long way in convincing Harry and Ron. And if nothing else, she could have someone in her corner. It didn't hurt that, no matter what Ron might say, he was terrified of his sister and Harry was in love with her.
"Are you okay, Hermione?" Ginny whispered so the boys didn't hear from across the table.
"Actually, can we talk after dinner?" she asked.
"Sure. I'm ready when you are."
Hermione forced a few more bites of her dinner before pushing her plate away. Ginny stood in time with her and when Harry and Ron asked where they were going, she told them they needed to talk about girly stuff and studying for N.E.W.T.s. Ron wrinkled his nose but Harry smiled and waved them off.
They passed Pavarti and Lavender as they made their way out of the Great Hall so she took Ginny up to her room. She had debated about using the Room of Requirement, but she didn't want to be seen coming in and out of the area too often. And she couldn't risk Ginny running out of there in an angry mess if that's what it came down to. If they were in her dorm, Ginny would just storm down the one floor to her own room.
They chatted about Ginny's classes and Hermione gave her some tips on her N.E.W.T. exams, like asking the examinator if she could show them her Patronus for extra credit in Charms. It felt good to talk about something normal again after the drama that had unfolded in her life over the last week. Looking back now, she could see how segmented her life had become. When she was with Ginny or the boys, she had been her normal pre-Dark Mark self, when she was with Severus or Draco, she was Death Eater Hermione. Seeing it all laid out, she didn't understand how she had missed the double life she was leading.
Logically she knew she was living two different realities and that she was keeping part of herself hidden from Harry, Ron, and Ginny. What she was having a hard time understanding was how that hadn't seemed odd to her. Severus had told her how powerful that potion was, especially when mixed with the Legillemency Bellatrix had used, but she still thought she should have fought it. He had, of course, told her that he'd made it so it couldn't be fought, but it didn't make her feel any better.
She sighed, nothing she could do about it now but move forward and make sure she had people around her she could talk to about it when it became too much to handle.
Ginny crawled onto her bed and grabbed a pillow, placing it on her lap. Hermione got in after her, settling herself against the headboard and closing the curtains. She placed privacy charms around the whole area in case her dormmates came back early and Ginny raised her eyebrows at the action.
"It's serious then?" she asked.
Hermione nodded. "It is. It's really serious Ginny. And I trust that you will not speak to anyone about this unless I tell you that you can. Not even Harry."
"Even Harry? Hermione, you don't keep anything from him. Are you okay? Are you safe? Do I need to hex someone? If it was McLaggen, I already have a spell in mind."
She couldn't help smiling at Ginny as she geared up to fight on her behalf. That was one of the things she loved about her friend, she was always willing to go to battle for someone she loved.
"I am physically fine, Gin. There is nothing that is actively happening to me." She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "But something happened to me this summer and I need you to trust me when I tell you my story. And I need you to not react until I'm finished, no matter what you hear. I am willing to take Veritaserum if you don't believe me or want to make sure I'm telling you the truth."
Ginny rolled her eyes. "Don't be daft. Of course, I'm going to believe you."
"We'll see."
Hermione told Ginny everything that had happened since they parted ways at King's Cross station the summer before. She told her everything in chronological order but made sure to tell her that she didn't remember any of the beginning with Bellatrix until four days prior. As she talked she watched Ginny's facial expressions. She wanted to hug her when tears ran down her face and was a little nervous when her friend got that hard look in her eyes that meant she was ready to battle, but she held back. She would wait for Ginny to make the next move.
She was honest about everything, including her successful seduction of Severus which had caused her friend's eyes to go round and her mouth to drop open before it curled into a smirk that made Hermione more nervous than the murderous look Ginny had given her before. When she finally told her about what had happened the night before, how Severus had saved her life, Ginny crawled across the bed and wrapped her in her arms.
Hermione was so shocked that her friend still cared that she almost killed herself that tears began to fall and she sobbed onto Ginny's shoulder. There were no words spoken, just the soothing motion of her hands on her back. She felt Ginny shaking and knew her friend was crying as well.
That sat like that for a long time. Long enough that Parvati and Lavender returned to the dorm, changed out of their uniforms, and left again. She wasn't sure how much time had passed when Ginny pulled back.
She raised her wand at Hermione's face but instead of hexing her, she sent a charm at her that cleared her nose, sinuses, and dried the tears from her face.
"Mum taught me that one," Ginny said with a shrug. "Evidently babies leak from their noses and she got sick of wiping them off. Helpful when you have a runny nose."
"Thank you, Gin. So…"
She allowed herself to trail off. She wanted to ask Ginny what she was thinking but she knew she needed to wait. It wasn't fair for her to expect acceptance or even rejection right away. She had just dumped six months worth of information and she knew it would take time for Ginny to process that. Even if she wanted an answer right away.
"First, I love you. That hasn't changed. I can see why you wanted to talk to me first. I know what it's like to not be acting of your own free will and I'm sorry you had to go through that too. I have a few questions for you."
"Thank you. I'll answer anything."
Hermione was beyond touched that Ginny still loved her and wanted to be her friend. Ginny asked a lot of questions as well as asked to see her Dark Mark. Hermione removed the glamour she kept on it. When Ginny asked if she could touch it, she nodded. Hermione had never had anyone but the Dark Lord or another Death Eater touch it and was surprised when Ginny's fingers on the Mark didn't get a physical response from her.
"It feels different than the rest of your skin," Ginny commented, running her finger over it. "I can feel Tom's magic. It almost feels like an echo of the diary."
"You can feel his magic? How?" she asked.
"I don't know how to explain it. I have always been pretty good at magical signatures. If there is a warded drawer at home, I can tell which of my family members did it. Once I've felt someone's magic, I remember it."
"I've never heard of that. Have you heard of magic in blood?"
Her mind was racing. If Ginny could feel magic, she might be able to tell them for sure if Harry was a Horcrux just by touching his scar. She knew what Dumbledore thought, but that didn't mean he was always right. He could be wrong about Harry for all they knew. Plus, Severus might know a way to use her skill to figure out if a Horcrux was nearby. They would have to be pretty close, but it might be possible. She would have to talk to him about telling Ginny about the Horcruxes.
"Bill told me that's how potions work. They react with the magic in your blood, which is why Muggles can't use them. But I've never seen it first hand. Why?"
"I can't tell you yet," she said and Ginny scowled.
"You know you can trust me," she said, her voice tinged with anger.
"I know I can, Gin. That's why I didn't ask you for a vow when I told you everything. I trust you, I do. But I am not the only player in the game and I want to make sure all decisions are made together before I tell you. Can you understand?"
"I get it. I don't like it, but I get it." Ginny paused for a moment, then smirked at her. "So, you and Professor Snape, huh? Is his cock as big as his nose?"
"Ginny Weasley!"
"What?"
"I can't believe you just asked that."
"You're the one who is fucking your professor and you're shocked I'm asking about his cock? You know me better than that."
Hermione laughed but refused to say anything about the size of Severus' parts. Not only would he kill her, but she also didn't need Ginny fantasising about her man whilst she was in class. Severus and all things attached to him were for her eyes only. Unless they decided to share.
Ginny asked a lot of questions but it was the last one that had Hermione pulling up short. When was she going to talk to Harry?
She was torn. On the one hand, she wanted to tell him everything as soon as possible. On the other hand, she didn't want to tell him on a Wednesday night then expect him to have to go to classes for the next two days. In an ideal world, she would wait until Saturday, but that would be too late. She needed Harry, and Ron, on her side before she met with Dumbledore again.
"I'm going to talk to him tonight," she told Ginny. "Any tips?"
"Do it in the Room of Requirement and make sure you ask the room to not let him out until you're ready, and nothing breakable."
"Good idea."
"Hey, Harry," she said, coming to sit on the arm of his chair in front of the fire.
"Hey, Hermione, how are you?" he asked.
"Pretty good. I was wondering if we could talk."
"Is everything okay?"
"It is. I just have a few things I want to talk to you about. Will you come with me to the Room of Requirement?"
"Why do we need to go there?"
"I don't want to be overheard or interrupted and I can guarantee privacy there." She gestured around the room and a few people turned their heads, pretending they hadn't been listening to their conversation.
"I see what you mean. Let's go."
They walked out of the common room and down the hall, catching up on what had been going on the last few days. As she listened to Harry talk about his latest Quidditch practice, she realised what a horrible friend she'd been over the last few months. She had a valid reason for it but she still felt bad.
But as she looked at Harry she couldn't help but think that if what she had gone through could in any way save him from what Dumbledore and Voldemort had planned, she would go through it again. There was nothing she wouldn't do to help him. He deserved to live a life free of choices made for him by two old men that cared more about their own self-importance than anything else.
They reached the Room of Requirement and Harry let her create the room for them. When the door appeared and they walked in, it was into a smaller version of the Gryffindor common room. They settled side by side on the sofa in front of the fire and she pulled a blanket from the back and placed it on her lap.
"I could go for some biscuits," Harry muttered.
"Dobby!" Hermione called and the small elf appeared in front of them.
"Harry Potter's friend be calling Dobby?" he squeaked out.
"Can you please bring us some tea and biscuits?"
"Dobby is being honoured to serve Harry Potter and his friend."
With a large crack, the elf was gone. Before Harry had even had time to fully ask her how she knew she could summon house-elves, Dobby was back and set a full tea service on the table before leaving the room again. Harry reached down and grabbed a few of the Hobnobs and settled back into the sofa.
"So, Hermione, what is it you wanted to talk to me about? Are you finally going to tell me what's been going on with you this year?" he asked.
"What have you noticed?"
She was honestly shocked he had noticed anything was amiss with her. As much as she loved him, Harry was not the most observant person in the world. She'd had to tell him the name of one of Ginny's dormmates just last week and they had been living in the same house for the last seven years.
"I may not notice everything, Hermione, but I do notice when my best friend is not herself. You've been distant this year in a way you've never been before. Whatever it is, I'm willing to listen and help you if I can."
Tears began to stream down her face and she cursed her emotions for being tied to her tear ducts. She still wasn't quite sure where to start with her story. She'd started at the beginning with Ginny, but she wasn't sure if that was right for Harry. He always tried to take so much of the blame onto himself and she didn't want him to feel responsible for her sending her parents away.
"That means a lot to me, Harry. What I'm about to tell you is a lot of information, and it is really hard for me to talk about. I need you to promise me that you'll listen, really listen, and try not to get angry with me. And if you never want to talk to me again after this, I understand."
"There is nothing you could do that would make me cut you out of my life." He paused for a moment. "Well, I guess you could become a Death Eater, but barring that, I will always be your friend."
Her stomach dropped at his words, but she knew she had to tell him. Hoping that the room had followed her instructions and made it so Harry couldn't leave until she was done, she began her story.
Harry listened in silence as she told him about her parents. She could tell he wanted to apologise for her having to make that choice, but she cut him off with a look. When she told him she'd been kidnapped by Bellatrix, his fists clenched and his face went red.
"How did you survive?" he asked quietly.
"I am only alive because she wanted to use me, Harry. I swear, I had no choice," she begged him to understand with her tone.
As she continued her story, Harry's face went white and he looked at her with an open mouth as she talked. She left out the sexual details that she had told Ginny, just telling him that she was forced to act in ways that were not in line with her normal values. She knew she would have to tell him eventually, but for now, she thought she'd keep it to things that wouldn't cause him to overreact. When she got to the part about Christmas, how Snape had been the one to notice her and then give her the antidote, he jumped up from the sofa and began pacing.
"Snape?" he spat. "Snape was at the Death Eater meeting and Dumbledore lets him teach here?"
"Of course Professor Snape was there, Harry. The Dark Lord believes him to be loyal and the Order needs him there to be a spy."
"Don't tell me you trust him, Hermione. Not after all we've–"
"Harry, stop right there," she snapped and he closed his mouth. "I am going to tell you a few things about Professor Snape and you are going to listen. If you don't believe me, I can get Veritaserum here if it will make you feel better."
He rolled his eyes. "I don't need truth serum to trust you."
"You're right, you don't. So believe me when I tell you that Professor Snape is on our side. When we returned from the Christmas break, it was Professor Snape who knew something was wrong with me and forced me to take the antidote. He has been helping me with processing the trauma that I went through. I know you don't like him, but if we want to win this war, you will have to trust him. Because there are things he and I know that will help us win and you survive."
"And how do you know he's helping you?" Harry's tone was a mixture of disbelief and contempt.
"Because just last night I was in this very room and tried to kill myself, Harry. I slit my wrist because it had all become too much and I wasn't sure if you, Ron, Ginny or anyone else would be on my side after you saw the Dark Mark on my arm. Professor Snape saved my life. Just like he protected us from Remus in our third year, just like he tried to save you from Quirrell in our first year, and just like he sent the Order to help us in our fifth year."
Harry was quiet for a few minutes after she finished and she wasn't sure what he was thinking. Finally, he looked up at her.
"You really tried to kill yourself because you thought I wouldn't support you?" he asked.
She nodded.
"I… I'm so sorry, Hermione. What you went through, that's not your fault. If anything it's mine because you're friends with me."
"No," she said firmly. "It is not my fault, and it isn't your fault. This is Bellatrix's fault. This is the Dark Lord's fault. Your friendship is one of the best things in my life and I wouldn't change that for anything. And, it's not like being your friend made me any more of a Muggleborn that I was before. It just made me a little more visible."
"So what do we do?" he asked. "Are you going to be a spy for the Order now?"
"I don't think I am going to join the Order, Harry," she told him. "Dumbledore has been lying to us and keeping things from us that we need to know. Professor Snape and I have a few plans, but they won't work without you."
"And you're a hundred percent sure we can trust him?"
"I am."
"You said there are things that won't work without me. What is it you need from me?"
"Professor Snape found out about the Horcruxes and–"
"How?" he cut her off.
"Dumbledore told him about one."
"Does he know where it is? Or how to destroy it?"
"He does know where it is and we have some ideas on how to destroy it, but we will need your help. We think we can use your connection with the Dark Lord to destroy it. But in order to do that, he will need some of your blood."
She went on to explain what Snape had taught her about being able to see magic in blood and how she believed that because the Dark Lord had possessed him, they would be able to see trace amounts of his magic in Harry's blood. She wasn't ready to tell him that he would have the Dark Lord's magic because he was a Horcrux. She wanted to wait until Friday to tell him and she wanted Severus there when she did.
Harry did not agree to give up his blood right away, and Hermione couldn't blame him. There were many Dark spells and curses that could be used against someone if you had their life force. He promised to think about it and have an answer for her in the morning. She knew he was having a hard time trusting Snape and it didn't help when she told him he couldn't tell Dumbledore what they were working on yet.
Her heart felt light that he still trusted her and was willing to think about things instead of just shutting them down. When they hugged goodnight at the bottom of the stairs to the dorms, a tear fell from her eye as Harry whispered that he loved her, no matter what, before going their separate ways.