"Papi come on!"
"Mija, my love slow down." Rafael replied amused as his daughter pulled him with all of her strength towards the biggest Christmas tree she had ever seen.
Olivia froze at the sound of his voice. A voice she hadn't heard for several years. One she missed terribly and her heart longed to hear. Her head snapped to attention as it panned her surroundings. She was meeting Noah after his dance practice to do some last minute Christmas shopping and agreed to meet by the tree which was one of his favourite things about Christmas.
There he was, Rafael Barba. He was definitely a little older but the light and joy on his face as a little girl pulled him along made him seem younger than ever despite the salt and pepper beard he sported permanently these days. It had been many years since she had laid eyes on him. Five to be exact. Not since that day in the court room after Wheatley's verdict. Not a word had been exchanged between them since she told him that she would never get over his betrayal which nailed the coffin shut on their already precariously positioned friendship. She watched as his walls rose before her after the hurt that flashed in his eyes. The last she saw of him was the back of his head as he left the courtroom by the side exit that day. Not for a second did she think it would be the last she would see or hear from him. By the time everything had settled, he was gone. Leaving no forwarding address or contact number.
She would later learn that he had said goodbye to Noah. Promised to always be there if he needed him. Noah had an active email address specifically for him to ensure he could always reach Rafael. She knew that Noah emailed him daily and to respect their privacy she never screened their emails once she realised they were still in touch. Time passed quickly and despite how much she missed him, her pride and feeling of foolishness kept her from reaching out. The feeling of undeserving of his friendship dominated her hesitation. After the way she treated him she wouldn't blame him if he hated her. That alone was enough to let him go.
"Mom," Noah said carefully as he approached her, his gaze followed hers and realised the reason for why she seemed frozen in place.
"Uncle Rafa!!" His voice carried out deeper and louder at 14. Rafael paused and turned his head. He grinned at the sight and of a now 14 year old Noah whose voice had recently broken as he reached his teenage years.
"Noah," he replied genuinely happy to see him. His eyes finally fell to Olivia who stood beside Noah who had grown to be as tall as her creeping to take the lead. He gave her a polite and somewhat guarded smile as they approached him. He could tell that Olivia's mind was running in circles. Noah hugged the man who was like a father to him tightly before turning to the little girl clinging to her father's belt.
"Hey Catie-bug." He said picking up the little girl in his arms surprising Olivia at their obvious familiarity.
"Noh-Noh," she replied affectionately wrapping her arms around his neck and legs around his torso.
"Catalina, this is Miss Olivia. She's Noah's Mommy. She and I used to work together." Olivia tried not to feel hurt by that description but admittedly it stung.
"It's very nice to meet you Catalina. You have your Daddy's eyes."
"And his appetite and attitude." The little girl quipped as though on queue, earning a laugh from them all.
"That's what Abuelita says all the time." She explained. The kid definitely had his spunk.
"I thought you guys weren't flying in until next week?" Noah said surprised to see them.
"That was the plan but Mami isn't doing too well so we thought we'd come early."
"Is she okay? I spoke to her the other day, she didn't mention anything." Noah asked worriedly.
"Of course she didn't. She's okay. We've just seen her. This one insisted on seeing the tree before heading back to the hotel."
"Mom and I were going to grab dinner. Why don't you join us?" Noah said without asking his mother embracing the spirit of Parent Trap.
"We don't want to intrude." Rafael hesitated.
"Please Papi. I miss Noah. It's been too long." Olivia couldn't help but smirk at the pout that she sported.
"As long as it's okay with your Mami." Rafael replied somewhat defeatedly.
"Of course Rafael." She assured him.
"Great, we'll lead the way Munchkin." Noah said walking ahead.
"Subtle Noah," Rafael muttered as Olivia gave his arm a reassuring pat.
"Relax. We used to be friends once you know?" She said gently, hope hard to miss in her voice.
"Hey," he replied finally meeting her gaze.
"Hi Rafa," two words that conveyed so much feeling and emotion that it immediately disarmed him.
"Hi Liv," Olivia slipped an arm through his as they walked.
"So daughter?"
"Yeah, she's best thing that's ever happened to me. How tall is your child these days? I'm not sure I approve of his constant growth."
"Tell me about it. He's eating me out of our home." She joked.
"He's a great kid Liv. You did an amazing job with him." He said sincerely.
"I'd like to think it was a team effort Rafa. It may not have been official but I don't think you fully grasp what having you in his life has meant to him. He's never not had you wherever you were. I want to thank you for that."
"That goes both ways Liv. You could have shut that door at any point and you didn't."
"I never would have. I failed us, but I wasn't going to let him suffer the consequences of my actions." Rafael covered the hand on his bicep.
"Liv, we failed each other. I started that ball rolling after Drew. It's not all on you."
"You've always been too gracious Rafael."
"Not to say I wasn't angry," he clarified.
"I know," she noted.
"But after awhile you get older and there are other things that matter more you know? And holding on to that anger and hurt wasn't benefiting me or the choices I was making with my life and those I loved most in the world that I made a choice to let go of it. Which for awhile there was a minute by minute thing if I'm going to be honest."
"I can understand that. For what it's worth, I'm really sorry Rafael. I never wanted to hurt you. I never meant to take our friendship for granted. I have never regretted anything as much as I regret all the things I did that led me to lose you and your friendship. There's been so many times I've just wanted to reach out but in true Olivia fashion I chickened out."
"Firstly, it's of significant worth. For awhile there I wondered if I had imagined the totality of our friendship and it's value. For the record, had you reached out, I would have always answered. Admittedly it would have progressively been less angry depending on which part of the timeline you called but I would have always answered."
"Deep down I knew that. A part of me felt I didn't deserve the absolution."
"Pretty confident about that absolution Benson?" He teased raising an eyebrow as she smacked his arm.
"I'm sure you would have made me work for it. Where have you been all this time?"
"Teaching. Yale Law. After, you know. I wanted to take some time out from practicing Law and an old professor of mine who was teaching at Yale at the time reached out and was retiring. It was meant to be an interim gig that I grew to love and now I'm the faculty head much to my dismay having to field collegiate politics."
"That's how you were still able to see Noah so often?" She guessed.
"Yeah. I met with him and Lucy at the park as often as I could. Which in that first year was weekly because my teaching schedule was pretty light. He knew I had moved but I didn't want to yank myself out like I did the last time so it gave him time to get used to it. We talked about it a lot."
"I never realised."
"I never asked him not to tell you."
"I know you never would have. The kid's pretty intuitive so that's not on you. To be honest I was just glad he didn't lose you that I didn't really care how he kept you."
"Thank you,"
"So Catalina?"
"Surrogate. Donor egg, third party surrogate. Until Noah I never realised how much I wanted kids. I looked into adoption, fostering but single and workaholic didn't quite tick those boxes. So I looked into surrogacy and I guess all the stars aligned because here we are."
"That's amazing Rafa. Is she what 4?"
"3 and a half going on 30. Witty, clever and a smart mouth, but I have been told I only have myself to blame for that one. Aunt Rita revels in the knowledge that she is my karma rolled into an adorable toddler."
"I bet she does." Olivia replied amused feeling a pang of regret to have missed such a significant part of his life.
"So retiring? Never saw that coming."
"Yeah it's time. I'm hardly ever on the field anymore and I detest the politics. I was just waiting for Amanda as Fin refuses to man the ship. She's worked hard in the last few years and now it's her turn."
"Good for her. I'm sorry about you and Stabler," Olivia nodded not surprised he knew.
"We gave it a go even if deep down we probably both knew it was never going to work. God Noah despised him."
"Oh I heard," he replied a little amused.
"I bet you did."
"The anger made him uneasy," Rafael explained solemnly.
"He wasn't quite confident it wasn't going to translate to it being aimed at you or him."
"Elliot would never had laid a hand on him. I would never have let that happen."
"I know Liv. Noah did too."
"He tried with Noah but could never really reach him or relate to him. Noah was never rude, always painfully polite. If Elliot was staying the night he magically wanted to sleep over Amanda's or Lucy's. I never had the heart to say no. Especially as I knew he was uncomfortable which probably didn't help them build their relationship. Lucy wasn't a fan. To be honest no one was."
"Well to be fair, Lucy was my go to so he probably was never going to win her over. But the others, or at least Fin I would have thought would be all for it."
"Lucy was unashamedly Team Rafa. Still is I'm sure."
"Oh I know. She used to rescue me when I was in a bind with Catie. She still does actually. She's such a great kid and I'm so proud of her."
"Me too. As for the others, Manda and Sonny tolerated him for my benefit. Fin was less and less of a fan especially towards the end."
"Like you said, you gave it a go. After everything you guys owed yourselves that."
"I'm not sure it was worth the price I paid." She confessed. Rafael gave the arm looped through his a reassuring squeeze.
"This okay?" Noah asked as they stood in front of Harry's Pizza Parlour. Both adults nodded as they followed their kids into the restaurant.
Once they were seated Catalina dominated the conversation which amused them all. She asked question after question and Olivia answered her patiently much in the same way Rafael answered Noah at that age.
"Miss Olivia will you and Noah spend Christmas with me and Papi?"
"Catalina Margaret Barba," Rafael said in a warning tone and realised what had just slipped, his ear reddening. Touched, but willing to park it for another time Olivia gave Rafael's knee a gentle squeeze.
"Miss Olivia is such a big mouthful for you little one. Why don't you just call me Liv."
"Aunt Liv," Rafael corrected gently as she nodded with a smile,
"Aunt Liv, I like that." Catalina approved,
"I'm not sure what you and your Papi have planned with Abuelita for Christmas and we don't want to intrude but I am sure I can talk your Papi into making sure you and Noah see each other for Christmas at some point." Catalina slid off her booster and climbed on to Olivia's lap to give her a hug,
"Thank you Aunt Liv. I love Noh Noh very much and I miss him a lot." Noah smirked knowing Catalina officially owned his mother as she wrapped her arms around the little girl.
"Kid, you are your father's daughter."Olivia said softly deducing the very thing Noah did.
"That's awfully fresh coming from the mother of a curly headed little boy who had me reading him the whole Harry Potter series every night for however long that took to finish." Olivia grinned at the memory.
"I have no idea what you mean." She replied giving Catalina another squeeze.
"Of course you don't." Rafael said dryly accompanied with an eye roll.
"Uncle Rafa I'm done with school. Can I hang with you guys and see Abuelita?" Rafael looked to Olivia,
"I'm fine with it as long as it's okay with your Mom."
"Works for me, but I have one condition."
"Which is,"
"I get to join you once I'm done with work for the day. I can't be missing out on all the fun."
"Yes, Aunt Liv has to come. Too many boys." Catalina complained.
"Ouch kid," Noah said poking her on the side gently with his finger as she squirmed. Olivia's hand playfully swatted Noah's hand with her napkin to protect Catalina who now turned into Olivia's embrace. Rafael watched their exchange with fondness and amusement.
"It's only fair that we've evened the playing ground. You two have always outnumbered me. Always plotting. My turn." Olivia said to Rafael with a mischievous grin.
"Amigo I think all of those extra scoops of ice a cream that I used to slip you are about to bite me."
"Oh not just that Counsellor, I believe there are sentences that need to be introduced to Catie Bug's vocabulary, let me think which ONE was my favourite 'Objection Mami' comes to mind." Rafael groaned.
"Hey Catie, can you say 'Objection Papi',"
"Olivia," Rafael warned,
"O'jection Papi," Catalina obeyed as Noah laughed.
"Close enough little one." Olivia praised proudly giving her another hug.
"Why are you laughing, we're supposed to be on the same team." Rafael teased gently throwing a napkin at Noah,
"Uncle Rafa, I have to go home with her." Noah argued reasonably.
"Great, outnumbered." Rafael sighed dramatically as they all laughed.
Once dinner and dessert were done it was late. Despite the time that had passed between them they had easily slipped into the ease of their friendship that had always been there. They both knew that hard conversations were still to be had, but for that evening there was an ease they were both willing to soak in.
"This was really nice." Olivia said as they walked Rafael and Catalina back to their hotel. Noah was now carrying a sleeping Catalina in his arms still walking ahead.
"It was lovely. It's really good to see you Benson."
"You too Barba." She replied as she squeezed the arm that hers was looped through.
"I've missed you Rafa." She confessed.
"I've missed you too Liv." He replied dropping a kiss to her temple.
"Promise you won't disappear on me? I know we still have a lot to talk about. To work through. But promise me we'll talk it out?" She pleaded as she stopped walking to meet his gaze, fear clear in her eyes.
"I promise Liv. Besides, you've clearly won my daughter over without even trying. Now I'm going to constantly be on the receiving end of 'I want to see Aunt Liv' instead of just having to hear 'I want to see Noh Noh."
"Again, welcome to my life. All those years of Uncle Rafa this, and Uncle Rafa that." Rafael grinned.
"I guess it's only fair."
"So Margaret?"
"I may have been mad as hell at you, but who you were and how important you were in my life was never diminished by that. At the end of the day I wanted to start my daughter's life strong and that started by naming her after the important women of my life. I named her Margaret after the bravest woman I know." Tears filled Olivia's eyes.
"Thank you Rafael."
"Don't worry during moments I was mad at you I would tell myself that I named her after Margaret Thatcher." He added earning an elbow to his side.
Somewhat reluctantly the four of them said goodnight. Sleepily Catalina made Olivia promise that she would see her the next day before allowing her father to unwrap her from her newly found Aunt. Noah watched his mother from the corner of his eye as they walked. It has the happiest she had been for years. Not even when she was with Elliot was she happier than what she was in that moment. It was as though all this time there was a missing part of her and she had found it. He knew without a shadow of doubt that she loved him. That he was her whole world and he brought her happiness, but the peace that was on her face required no explanation. He knew it was because Uncle Rafa had been that missing piece that provided her with contentment. Whether she knew it or not. Or admitted it to herself.
"Noh, thank you."
"For what?' He asked,
"For orchestrating tonight so Uncle Rafa and I could run into each other."
"I don't know what you mean," he replied feigning innocence.
"You knew Abuelita wasn't feeling well which is why you asked to visit her a couple of days ago. I would bet she told you that your Uncle Rafa was driving in today. I bet when they got there she would have told Catalina all about that tree at Rockerfeller Center to make sure she dragged her Papi there to see it because its so conveniently close to their hotel. I assume it's why you insisted on meeting me here to 'Christmas Shop' when we both know you're done with your Christmas shopping. You forget I was a trained detective once."
"I just, it's been long enough Mom. You two needed a little nudge. You're both too stubborn to make the first move. I just wanted to give you a chance to be in the same room. I hoped by doing that you would both remember what you were to each other and everything else wouldn't matter."
"Thank you. You were right."
"You know he's always loved you right? That really he's never stopped."
"Noah it's not that simple. I hurt your Uncle Rafa so deeply and whilst he's being incredibly gracious, it's not something that can just be swept under the carpet. We have a lot to work through. I will never regret anything more than what I had put him through."
"Mom, did you think that maybe things were never right between you and Elliot because deep down you loved Uncle Rafa in the same way he loved you. I mean I know you cared for Elliot, and admittedly I never saw the appeal but I never understood how it could even be a choice between them. But I guess I was also biased."
"Who you? The president of the Rafael Barba fan club?" Olivia teased.
"It was complicated Noh. I know it was hard to understand back then, you were still so young. But Elliot and I had a history. He was my partner for almost 13 years, when he was my partner he was the only family I had. I was so young, and you know I never had the greatest relationship with my Mom. He, as weird as it sounds grounded me. He was protective and looked out for me. We had each other's back. I trusted him Noh. I trusted him in a way that I never had before. Until your Uncle Rafa came along."
"I get that part Mom. I do. But he left. For 10 years without a word. When he came back all he did was demand your time and complete attention. He didn't care about anything else. Your friends or even me."
"Noah that's not fair,"
"Isn't it? During his wife's trial you lost your best friend. The one person in your life who has been through your worst moments, celebrated all of your wins and all of my milestones…why?"
"Noh, "
"Because you chose Elliot. Which Mom I have no qualms about if he was who was going to make you happy. I still had Uncle Rafa. Uncle Rafa made sure of that. He made sure I never felt his absence and I never felt like I wasn't his priority. You were the one who lost out and you lost big. You chose Elliot and it didn't make you happy. It just made you sad. He kept making you sad. He never even cared who you lost in your life. He made sure he had all of your attention. That you were isolated. Before he came along we were all a family. Uncle Rafa, Aunt Manda, Uncle Fin, Uncle Sonny, Billie and Jessie. Then he came along and it was all about him and his family. All of a sudden there were these grown kids who resented the fact that you were with their Dad and I was your kid that they had to deal with."
"Noah, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise. Why didn't you talk to me about this then." Noah sighed,
"Because you deserved a chance to be happy and if that was him then well you had to give that a shot. Mom I'm not mad or resentful. You didn't rob me. I knew at every step you loved me more than anything or anyone. That if I had told you, you would have given him up and walked away."
"Of course I would have,"
"Mom, you're the best Mom in the whole world Planet as far as I'm concerned. I know everything you did you did because you had my best interest at heart. I love you. I am beyond grateful that I got to be your child. It's your turn Mom. That's why I want you and Uncle Rafa to get your chance."
"Honey, it's been so long. Your Uncle Rafa has moved on."
"You mean the man who named his daughter after you?" Noah retorted.
"I don't deserve him."
"Firstly that's rubbish, secondly shouldn't you let him be the judge of that."
"What if he turns around and says no."
"Then you give him time. It's not like he ever stopped loving you or vice versa. You always taught me to fight for what I want, so isn't it only wise to take your advice? Not to mention be setting a good example to your child who is in his formative years?"
"You can sell milk to a cow Noah Porter Benson. You're more Rafael Barba than me sometimes kid. I can't say I'm hating on that though."
"Of course you wouldn't." He teased with a grin.
"Brat,"
"I'm your brat."
"That you are kid."
As they made it home she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She groaned hoping that didn't mean she was being called in. She pulled her phone out and smiled to see a text message from an unknown number.
"This is my number these days. So you know how to track me down."
"I appreciate that. I'm genuinely surprised you kept my number if I'm going to be honest."
"My nonchalant answer was going to be it was handy for emergencies, but in the spirit of full disclosures. Even if I erased you from my contacts list, after dialling your number for many years from my work phone it's embedded deep into my memory not to mention etched in the corner of my heart."
"In the spirit of full disclosures, I have never erased your number from my phone hoping one day you would use it. Nor have I ever removed it from being my speed dial number 1, even after Noah was allowed to have a phone." Rafael smiled.
"Tell Noah I know, and thank you. You should be proud your Penny Gadget skills clearly have rubbed off on me. Well that and it wasn't necessarily hard to put together. Between him and my mother." Olivia laughed.
"I called him on it as we walked home too." Olivia grinned as her phone began to ring,
"I see your attention span for texting has not increased,"
"Dwindled ever more so I am afraid."
"I'm not complaining. I've missed your voice Barba,"
"Where's our Hayley Mills?"
"In the shower. Catalina asleep?"
"After being reassured that she will see her new favourite person tomorrow she hasn't stirred. Slept through wipe down and changing into pjs."
"She's adorable Rafa."
"Of course she is. You've now acquired her as your mini. You two will be plotting against me from here on out."
"You're so dramatic."
"Well I'd hate for you to think that part has changed or God forbid diminished."
"God forbid."
"So,"
"So," she replied,
"It was good to see you."
"It was really good to see you Rafael. Listen, I don't start until late tomorrow. What do you say I bring a babysitter to watch Catalina early tomorrow and you and I grab a coffee a stroll around Central Park."
"Tell Hayley Mills he can come in his sweats and continue his sleep on my bed and just bring a change of clothes and I will take him and his shadow out to breakfast when they're both awake and ready." Olivia laughed.
"6:30 work for you?'
"Perfect."
"It's a date." Liv realised what she had just said and paused,
"It's a date then." He supplied trying to ease her nerves before she took it back.
"You hanging up Barba?" She asked,
"No, I was just agreeing."
"Good to hear. I'm not quite ready to let you go yet,"
"Wasn't going anywhere Benson."