After their Santa photos the Benson and Barba's headed to Magnolia Bakery for a little sneaky late night snack. Olivia couldn't help but smile as Catalina sat on Rafael's lap, face covered in red velvet frosting and her hands were covered in Red Velvet cake. Her once so pristine best friend was happily allowing his child to grab at him despite the mess she was making.
"What?" He asked catching the look on her face,
"Never thought I'd see the day Rafael Barba would be so…"
"Non anal retentive?" He finished as she laughed.
"Yes, to put it so eloquently."
"Well let me remind you, this one broke me first." Rafael said pointing to Noah who laughed knowingly.
"Well you were the one that kept handing him snacks so you only really got what you deserved.'
"What for feeding your child and providing nutrients?" Rafael asked incredulously,
"Rafael Barba, Goldfish, Ice Cream, Cookies and Cupcakes was not then, nor now nutritious." She replied as he had the decency to look sheepish.
"I'd do it again in a heartbeat." He replied without batting an eyelash,
"Uncle Rafa you never stopped." Noah piped in.
"Yo Kid, at least pretend to be on my side sometimes." Rafael said shaking his head feigning hurt. Noah threw an arm around his Uncle.
"Tio Rafa, estoy de tu lado, pero debes recordar que tengo que ir a casa con ella. Ella es mi madre. Ella me alimenta y me viste." (I am on your side, but you must remember I have to go home with her. She's my mother. She feeds and clothes me.)
"Ustedes dos se olvidan, yo hablo español" (You two forget I speak Spanish) Olivia replied with an eye roll.
"No muy bien," (Not very well) Noah and Rafael said in unison amused before exchanging a fist pump. It was an ongoing joke between them that whilst Olivia was multi lingual and could hold her own Rafael found her pronunciation sub par and often teased her about it. As Noah learned from such a young age he was able to pick up the annunciation and nuances in a way Olivia was never able to.
"Come Catalina, let's get your cleaned up in the girls room and leave these two smelly boys on their own." Olivia said lifting Catalina from her father's lap who happily went to her Aunt Olivia.
"Smelly boys," Catalina repeated laughing,
"You're a bad influence on my offspring Benson."
"Evening out the playing field Barba." She retorted as she turned to take Catalina to the bathroom.
"You two seem good." Noah observed.
"Friendship with your Mom and I has for the most part always been easy. The rapport, the banter, the sarcasm, it comes naturally. It's part of our repertoire. Me and her. Always solid. It's when other things are added into the mix that we often crash and burn. Most of the time we get past it."
"Until Elliot?"
"It would be unfair to lump all the blame on him. It wasn't all him. Remember I left for awhile there and for your Mom, that was the ultimate betrayal. I couldn't blame her either. That was on me."
"I get that, but Uncle Rafa, while I missed you when you were gone but I never truly felt your absence. You came home for my recitals and whatever significant thing I had on. You still did bedtimes, even if they were on FaceTime. We still read together. Heck you still helped me with homework. Yes you weren't physically there all the time, but you leaving did not equate to the same way Elliot left her." Noah knew that Rafael checked in with his Mom regularly and as often as he could.
"Thanks kid, but its different for her."
"Maybe, but it doesn't mean it's accurate." Noah replied wisely.
"Yeah, but it's different in every person's shoes.
"I can't believe you still have grace for that man." Noah said with a shake of the head.
"He meant and still means a lot to your Mom. It may not have worked out but they have a lot of history one simply cannot compete with. Nor want to. However, had he ever laid a hand on you or your mother, he'd be dead." Rafael said without hesitation as Noah smirked,
"Oh I know. I've always known. I don't think I've ever thanked you for that."
"Kid, you never have to thank me for that. We may not be blood. I may not be your Dad, but you've never been anything less that my Noah. First kid I ever loved. You were my best pal at 18 months old until now. Your happiness and your safety was always paramount. And for the record, I'm the one that's grateful I got to be your Uncle Rafa."
"Uncle Rafa, we may not be blood. You may not have officially been my Dad, but you have always been the only Dad in my life. Maybe I made it harder for Elliot because I never wanted him to take your place because you're the only one who fits that description in my life. For as long as I can remember." Noah replied as Rafael's eyes misted. Rafael dropped a kiss on Noah's temple without a word before the resumed eating their cupcakes.
Olivia caught Noah's 'Until Elliot' and stopped. She placed her finger on her lips as if to ask Catalina not to disturb their conversation. The rest of their exchange brought tears to her eyes. Shaking the cobwebs from her head she took a breath and waited half a minute before rejoining their table.
"Rafa did you want to do pre breakfast and a coffee again tomorrow morning. That way I can drop Noah off to you and he can help you pack up the hotel and bring Mami over to mine?" Olivia asked as she sat down bringing Catalina to her lap and hugging her close. Rafael looked up and their eyes met, he could tell she caught most if not all of his exchange with Noah.
"Sounds good."
"Does it have to be so early?" Their teenager protested.
"You're going from one bed to another. I'm not sure where your complaint is Kid." Olivia replied amused.
After they had parted ways that night Olivia and Rafael found themselves on the phone again after they had gotten ready for bed and both kids were asleep.
"You know, I appreciate how you don't disparage Elliot even if you have reason to. Then and now."
"What kind of example would I be setting for impressionable young minds if I did?" He replied.
"It's more than that and you know it."
"I stood by it then and I stand by it now. He means a lot to you. I don't get to take away from that simply because of my own experiences with him, and I don't get to tack that on to Noah especially if he was going to end up a father figure to him. Noah deserved to find his own feet with him and judge for himself."
"And he did."
"The man you knew, wasn't the man who Noah got to meet and know. By the time he met Elliot life had thrown Elliot a devastating curve ball and he had very little to give. I'm sure if Noah had met your version of Elliot it would be different."
"Rafa, whichever version of Elliot he met he was never going to be enough because to Noah Porter Benson thought you hung the stars and he has always known you would lasso the moon if it would make him happy."
"He is the Batman to my Robin."
"Hey, I always thought I was the Batman to your Robin?" She cried out in protest.
"Sorry Mama Benson, that was always your Mini. You never needed a Robin. You were always Wonder Woman."
"Didn't mean I didn't you."
"And you never NOT had me. From the moment we met." The weight of his words weren't lost on her. She knew where they were, where they ended up was always on her court.
"I know." Olivia said softly.
"For what it's worth Rafa, had you needed me I would have come running no matter what shit storm we were in the middle of." The silence from his end told her he wasn't quite sure.
"I appreciate that." He eventually replied.
"Liv,"
"Rafa,"
"I know you never stopped caring." He offered.
"I really hope you do." She answered.
"I'll see you tomorrow Liv. Goodnight."
"Goodnight Rafa."
The following morning there was no knocking as Rafael had given Noah a key for the room. Olivia messaged him to say that she was sending Noah up and would wait for him in the car out front and to make sure he was dressed warmly.
"I thought we were walking?"
"Change of plans." She said with a smile.
"You have that crazy sparkle in your eye that usually means a Benson had an 'idea' and speaking from experience it doesn't always end well."
"Shut up and put your seatbelt on." She replied rolling her eyes at him. Rafael grinned as he complied.
"Aren't you supposed to be at work?"
"I'm semi retired, I can be flaky. That's yours by the way." She said pointing to a very large to go cup from one of their old coffee cart haunts.
"Nostalgia, I approve. Where are we off to Captain?" He asked taking a sip which was followed by a groan.
"Are you alright there? Do you two need to be alone?" she teased.
"Haha. You laugh but I know you make the same noises for good coffee."
"It's one of the reasons why we're friends."
"So where to Magoo?" He asked once more.
"Sip your coffee and enjoy the car ride." Was all she provided. Grinning Rafael sat back and let her drive. In the spirit of road trip vibes he hooked up his Bluetooth to her car and fired up his Spotify. Olivia grinned as the opening score of Hamilton filled her car.
"It's been awhile."
"Me too." Truth was, Hamilton was their thing. They had watched it on Broadway one more than one occasion and when it came to Disney it wasn't uncommon that after a hard case they would end up going back to hers with take out and wine watching Hamilton. When things had changed between them it was hard to enjoy the things that they used to enjoy together. One of them was their love for Hamilton. Therefore it didn't take long before they were singing along.
As they pulled up to Orchard Beach Promenade he looked at her curiously. It was still early in the morning and there was no one around. She had parked her car, grabbed her coffee and a tote with a large beach towel in it. He didn't bother pointing out that it was winter and the cold crisp morning air was not one would consider is beach weather but he could tell there was a reason as to why she was taking him there. She stopped near the water and laid down the beach towel before sitting down as he followed suit. They sat in silence enjoying the view and each other's company. She scooted closer to steal warmth to which he chuckled draping an arm around her.
"God love my Cuban heater," she said in appreciation making him laugh.
"I know you're wondering why I dragged you to the beach in winter, but go with it."
"Take your time Liv." He said patiently knowing she was wanting to talk.
"After the trial and we were, well where we were I was really restless. McGrath was being his ass-ey self. Elliot was neck deep in Wheatley, we had one shitty case after another. I was drowning and God I missed you. We had this one case, it was after the trial. I had just missed Christmas with Noah. I had shot the suspect and it felt like the world was spinning out of control. I got back to my office after having to provide a statement to IAB, which was formalities because it was a good shoot, but still I shot someone so I was shaky," she rambled and paused to take a breath,
"When I got to my desk there was a coffee from the very same coffee cart your coffee came from this morning. Next to it was a jewellery box with a necklace much like the necklace I had given to Ariel, except this one had the word Courage. No note."
Rafael had seen the news and he knew that she would miss Christmas with Noah and how heart broken she would be. He followed the news closely and when it was released that she had shot the suspect, despite where they were he wanted her to know she wasn't alone. That she never really would be.
"Did it need one?" He asked as she shook her head.
"For two very verbose people we've never really needed words."
"I actually had that made for you long before you got it. Just never seemed to be the right time. That day seemed like the right time."
"You know, I drove to your place after I left the precinct. I knocked and when no one answered the door I used my key and saw that your apartment had been emptied out."
"After I took Wheatley on I knew I had changed our narrative. That day in your office I knew you were never going to forgive me. I was already offered the Yale position so I accepted the offer. During Wheatley's trial I was already packing up my place. That day at Forlini's and then the verdict you could say I couldn't get out of New York fast enough. Noah knew by then that I had accepted a job in New Haven so I dropped by to say goodbye to him and drove to New Haven on the same day with no intention of looking back. Noah aside of course. Then I saw the news and my car kind of steered its way back to Manhattan."
"He told me for those however many days he was at Mrs Rollin's place you came to see him. That you would hang out with him for a few hours every day. That you dropped off Santa presents to make sure he had presents to open on Christmas Day, along with a note from Santa to say that he left most of his presents at home so he could open them with me."
"I just wanted to make sure he had a good Christmas. I knew he was missing you and if I could keep one Benson happy, that was enough."
"You did. He told me that even though I couldn't be there and he was sad, he was glad I sent you to spend Christmas with him. That he had one of the best Christmas' he had because he got to spend so much time with you."
"Naww Batman,"
"I called you that night." Rafael knew why she was telling him. When he left Manhattan he had left Rafael Barba behind and that included his contact numbers and what little social media presence he had.
"It was like you disappeared into thin air. Like you were invincible to everyone except Noah."
"For a while there I was." He replied honestly breaking her heart a little. Taking Wheatley on didn't just mean he lost Olivia, it estranged him from their friends too. He knew Fin had a history with Stabler while Carisi and Rollins were always team Liv and Team Liv was Team Stabler.
"After finding your apartment empty I went to pick up Noah. We got in the car and we went for a drive. We ended up here. He was asleep the moment we drove away from Amanda's place mind you. He was curled in passenger seat covered by his comforter and I just sat in my car staring at the water which was obviously pitch dark by then. I don't know how or why we ended up here. Maybe because aside from the Hudson it was the closest to the water I could get. Or maybe because I remembered driving past it once thinking gee that's pretty. One day I might just go. Whatever it was, there we were. When the light started to come out and I knew the sun was about to rise, I woke Noah up so we could watch the sunrise together. Before getting out of the car I grabbed the notepad I keep in there and a pen. We sat on a towel and we bundled up with his comforter and watched the sunrise. Shortly after he was asleep on my lap. There were so many thoughts running through my head. All these things I wanted to say to you with no means to get it to you so I wrote them down." Olivia reached into the tote bag to present a letter he expected but what she presented was a stack of letters tied together with a ribbon.
"Every time my world would get crazy or there was a thought I wanted to share. Or if I just wanted to say something out loud that only you would know. I wrote it down hoping that one day I got to give it to you so you would know just how much you mean to me. That despite my actions in those last days that you mean the world to me." Rafael swallowed back the emotions and tried to stop the tears forming.
"I never stopped caring Rafa. Everyday you were gone I was filled with regret." Rafael drew her to his chest and hugged her tightly.
"Dear Rafa,
This Christmas may be the shittiest one for the books. I shot a suspect. I missed Christmas with Noah and I lost my best friend. I can hear you in my head telling me 'Don't be so dramatic Benson,'. What I could give to physically hear you say that. To have you in front of me. To still have you with me.
What a clusterpoo of a year it has been. Rafa, I never meant to make the transition of your return be as hard as it was. Outside that bar after post mortem, that wasn't meant to be a new ending but a new beginning for us. Sure I was going to make you sweat a little but I had every intention of picking back up our side bars. Truth is there's something different in the air when I know you're in the same city. Like a sense of home, if that makes sense.
But alas Elliot had reappeared, and well that's been a shit storm ever since.
As hard as I tried not to get sucked in. I got sucked in. Old habits I guess. Deep down I know it's because I loved him and I guess still do. I mean what kind of a grown woman allows that back in her life if not for the idea of love right? That's got to be it right Rafa? Why else would I risk my career, my life, my family and my most important friendships for some guy and here I was thinking I was progressive.
Thank you for my necklace and the coffee. The sentiment of both will never be lost.
You are the only person in this world who chooses to see the good in me first and foremost no matter what. Regardless how angry I make you or how wrong you think I am. Even when I've lied to you or hid things from you, you chose to see past it. As though you always understood the why behind my lapse of judgement. I guess I had hoped this would be one of those times.
That day in my office. I had no right to ask you not to take that case. For one, we both knew I wasn't asking for me. That had it been anyone else, I would never have asked that of you. I know how I made you feel by doing that. Here I was the person who never doubted your humanity questioning you why even if you had just told me. I know that you were trying to spare me from reliving the worst moments of my life. That out of anyone in this world you know every scar, every wound from those days of being held and torture. Out of anyone in the world you know about the scars that don't appear in my body but the scars that are embedded deep within. You know that fine line that would topple me over the edge and you weren't willing to risk that. I know that now and I am sorry I refuse to see it that day.
Thank you for always putting Noah first. For saying goodbye. For explaining that you're leaving. For reassuring him that you will always be there. I want you to know that I will never get in the way of that. I'm willing to turn a blind eye here and remove myself from the situation. I've been selfish enough and you two deserve to have each other remain in each other's life. Noah loves you Rafa. So much.
As do I. I hope one day you can believe that.
Always, Liv.