Rafael had tears in his eyes as he read her first letter. It meant a lot to him that she had taken the time to continue the conversation, even when he wasn't present. It had restored something in him to know that their friendship meant more to her than what he grew to believe in those last days. They sat in companionable silence. Rafael tightened the arm that was wrapped around her and dropped his lips to her temple. Olivia sank deeper into his embrace.
"I've really missed you Rafa." She confessed softly,
"I've missed you too Liv. There were so many times, especially after Catalina that I wanted to pick up the phone."
"I wish you had. But I know I could have too. It just never seemed right. I didn't know what to say."
"Maybe we just needed time." He answered.
A little while later they reluctantly headed back to the car as Olivia had to go to work and Rafael still had to pack up the hotel. Both were somewhat lost in their own thoughts. It had been a very revelatory morning for Rafael especially who had made peace with where they were long after he had left New York. To now know that she remained to care about him, meant more than he words could articulate.
"Papi, where is Aunt Liv?" Catalina asked as he got back to the hotel. Noah smirked which was not missed by Rafael.
"She's at work Mija. We will get Abuelita and then we are going to meet Aunt Liv at her casa remember?"
"Okay," Catalina replied somewhat satisfied with that response.
"She is me isn't she?' Noah observed in amusement. Remembering all the times he asked his mother where Uncle Rafa was from the moment he could talk.
"I feel like I should be apologising to your mother in hindsight, but she gets her sweet revenge now."
"She adores Catalina."
"Yeah she does. I mean she is adorable, but until I had you I would never know how someone could love someone in an instant, wholeheartedly and inexplicably. She looks at Catie Bug the way I've always looked at you." Noah smiled at his Uncle widely,
"Makes us pretty lucky kids,"
"We're all pretty lucky Noh." Rafael replied meaningfully.
It didn't take long for them to get the hotel packed up, pick up Lucia and get settled at the Benson household. Olivia had set up her bedroom for Lucia so that she would have access to her own ensuite instead of having to share with the rest of them. She also thought that the king size bed would be more comfortable than Noah's double bed. They had also set up a single mattress for Catalina in the corner of his room in case she wanted to sleep on her own bed. Noah had managed to find one of his old farm animals sheets for her. In the living room Noah would sleep on the sectional. Rafael would have the air mattress which they had already blown up and was currently resting against a wall in Noah's room. Noah and Olivia had taken out all of their Christmas Decorations from storage and it was waiting in the corner of the living room where they would eventually put the tree up. Whilst it would be cosy, it was surprisingly not crowded.
"Mom's emptied out the hall closet Uncle Rafa. She says you can store your luggage in there and hang your clothes. I made room in my closet for Catie too." Noah explained as he led Lucia into his mother's room showing her into Olivia's walk in wardrobe where she had cleared a couple of shelves for Lucia.
"Your Mom does know we're not moving in permanently right?" Lucia teased,
"Well at least I'm not." She added softly only so he had heard making him laugh.
"She just wants to make sure you all feel at home and comfortable. It means a lot to her that we all get to have Christmas together. To me too Abuelita." He said giving Lucia's arm a squeeze. Lucia drew him into a hug,
"I know Nieto. It means the world to me too. Seeing you all together. Happy and just together. It makes this old woman's heart very happy." Rafael smiled as his eyes landed on them standing by Liv's door sharing a hug.
When Olivia had arrived home, it had definitely been over taken by the Barba's but in a way that it only warmed her heart. Both Rafael and Noah were asleep on her living room floor with Catalina whose head was on Noah's stomach whilst her legs were thrown haphazardly on her fathers lap. It looks as though they had all been building blocks with her until they all dozed off Before she could check on Lucia she saw her come out of the bedroom. She caught Olivia snapping photos of the three sleeping bodies.
"They've had quite a busy afternoon. They shopped and ran errands." She explained as Olivia grinned.
"I thought she would have just tired them out."
"Well yes, she is probably 95% percent responsible for their exhaustion. How was your day? Would you like a cup of tea? I was just about to make one." Lucia offered.
"I would insist upon making you a cup of tea but I did say my home is your home so I will allow it on the basis that I know what it's like to have Rafael Barba hover over you and you've had him hover all day." Lucia smiled gratefully patting her cheek as she passed her to make the tea.
"Bless you. Now tell me about your day."
"My day was good. I honestly am not doing much but paperwork. I have been trying really hard to be completely hands off so that Amanda gets a feel for it's entirety and still have me there if she needs a hand. Which she is more than capable of handling without me. It's definitely time for me to hand the reigns in."
"From what Rafi tells me, I would guess those are very foreign words and concept for you."
"They are, but I am growing quite accustomed to them rather quickly. I am tired and I am looking forward to the next stage of my life. Not so much retirement, but just something else you know. I have loved my job, but there's also a part of me that feels as though my life has been on hold because of it. That this is my time to live my life out however I want to without being tied to my job. If that makes sense."
"It does. When you are as passionate about your job as you are and have been consumed by it most of your life, it's easy to get lost in that and unknowingly press pause on your own happiness for the greater good. It's okay to give yourself permission to live out the rest of your life not breathing SVU. It's okay for you to have your turn. And it's not to say you have regrets, its just about knowing when you're done. That you know there is a life after the job you do."
"Sometimes I wonder if I should have given it up years ago." She said as she glanced at Rafa, Noah and Catalina on the floor.
"It's never too late to ask for what you want Mija," Lucia replied gently placing a hand over Olivia's as she sat down on the chair beside her.
"What if I'm too late Mami?" Olivia said tearing her gaze away from where Rafael was laying down.
"If it were too late do you really think we would all be under one roof celebrating Christmas like an over the top slumber party?"
"Now that he's right here. Now that I've hugged him. I never want to let go. I have missed 5 years of his life. I missed his most important moments. I don't want to miss anymore. Of his and Catalina's life. Is that crazy?" She asked.
"No Mija, that's love."
Rafael woke up to find his mother and Olivia in the kitchen getting dinner together. More accurately Olivia was getting dinner ready whilst his mother was providing instructions.
"I see Principal Barba is utilising her bossiness." Rafael teased.
"Well as I am forbidden to exert myself," she retorted as Rafael dropped a kiss to his mother's head.
"Hey Liv, how was work?" He asked kissing her on the cheek somewhat habitually as though it was something they had been doing their whole life.
"As I was saying to Mami, all I'm doing at this stage is pushing paperwork. I am very much ready to be done." She caught the look of surprise on his face as she admitted that she was ready to retire.
"Captain Benson, who knew such a day would ever come?"
"We all get old eventually Barba," she replied good naturedly as he draped an arm around her shoulder,
"Never you. You will always be that 30 something year old Detective I met all those years ago." Olivia laughed,
"It's cute that you thought I was 30 something." Rafael dropped a kiss to her temple as he shrugged. Olivia wrapped her arms around his waist.
"How was your day with the minis?" She asked.
"Noah was great, your mini however is a handful." He said dramatically.
"You know she gets that from you right?" Olivia pointed out amused.
"I do. But she's already picked up your bad habits. She's demanding."
"And you're not?" Rafael grinned,
"I have no idea what you mean."
"Of course you don't." Lucia watched their banter with a smile on her face. For two people who loved each other so much, they were pretty oblivious to how the other felt.
"So tonight we trim the tree?" Olivia asked,
"Yes we do! With hot chocolate and cookies! We baked them earlier today."
"That's what the smell was when I came in. Where are they?" She asked mischievously knowing he was hiding them from the kids.
"The usual hiding place," he replied as she grinned stepping out of his arms to look at the cupboard above the fridge where she used to hide treats from Noah. Olivia brought the container down and grabbed a couple for her and Lucia before placing it back in the cupboard.
"You know Noah knows where the spot is now and no longer needs to climb chairs to get to it."
"I know, but I was banking on him not sharing that information with Catalina just yet."
"Good luck with that."
The Barba and Benson party of five enjoyed dinner together. Lucia loved watching the interaction between the four of them as they teased each other while putting the tree up. Once all of the decorations were up and the tree was lit they sat in front of it with their hot chocolates devouring cookies. Rafael caught Liv wiping away a tear that escaped and placed a hand on her arm as if to ask if she was okay. She glanced at him and smiled placing a hand over his as she nodded.
"I want to sleep with Aunt Liv." Catalina declared after she was dressed and ready for bed.
"Of course you do." Rafael replied with a smirk.
"Noh Bud, why don't you take her single so you don't have to sleep on the couch." Noah nodded at his uncle.
"How could I pass up those sheets?" He said pointing at the animal farm.
"They were always your favourite." Rafael noted as Olivia couldn't help but smile that he knew that.
After Noah, Catalina and Lucia had gone to bed and both Olivia and Rafael were showered ready for bed, they sat on the couch with a glass of wine. Christmas music playing in the background as they admired the tree.
"You know, this is the Christmas I have always dreamed of. Surrounded by people I love making memories and setting traditions. This is all I've ever wanted." Olivia said in a whisper. Rafael wrapped an arm around her as she snuggled into his side.
"Me too. Liv,"
"Rafa?" Rafael paused,
"Nothing. I'm really glad we get to spend Christmas together." He eventually replied. They both knew that wasn't what he was going to say, that he deemed them too fragile to tackle incredibly hard conversations so early in the game when they vowed to park the serious things until the festive season.
"Me too. Rafa,"
"Yeah?"
"Promise me no matter how hard the conversations get, no one gets to walk away this time. Not me. Not you. Not having you these last five years. I just couldn't. Not again. I don't want to." She pleaded. Rafael cupped her cheek and looked into her eyes.
"I promise Liv. I don't want to either. I couldn't imagine not having you in my life again. Not after all this." Olivia nodded and place her head on his shoulder.
"Thank you Rafa."